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i wish i could say i understood her patience. i've been so terribly difficult to deal with. and yet she still treats me like a normal person. she still sits and listens patiently no matter how rocky our start was. no matter how many things i broke, and threw, and screamed at. i don't deserve her. not the way she treats me. not the way she looks at me. and oh the way she looks at me. she looks past all of the metal coating my body and all the blood on my hands. she makes me think i could be a person again. that maybe someday i'll come out of all this okay. that maybe there's a future past blackwatch and missions from reyes. that maybe there's a future where i can stop pretending i don't see the look in her eye when she finally gets me to laugh. but it's so hard to imagine ever seeing in myself whatever makes her eyes light up like that. so hard to imagine that i can ever escape blackwatch. ever escape all the blood on my hands. all i've done. all i'm sure i'll have to do. but until i can imagine it, at least i have her in front of me. i can spend my nights listening to her enchanting voice even if all the medical terms sound like another language. i'll sit and drink her coffee no one else can stand just to see her smile when i don't spit it out. i'll put my trust in her so she can do the same to me. i'll try my hardest not to let her know how much i hate the body i'm trapped in. it's not her fault. she doesn't deserve to have her hard work torn down because of my issues. especially after she spends time after every mission tweaking things and patching me up. i can at least enjoy her gentle touches and concern. i wish i could have her without hurting her. my literal angel.