Work Text:
Waan just finished packing his backpack which he usually brings to work. But as the simple task was done, a sudden wave of tiredness and anxiety hit Waan. It was not exactly that he hated work. He was just really overwhelmed with it. Despite trying his best, he felt like he was falling behind, he had no sense of achievement. He hated that feeling. He hated how he couldn’t seem to find his way out of it.
-Are you going to bed? – Waan heard his mother knocking on the door.
-Yes, slowly – he answered, while opening the door. Affected by the sudden wave of uncertainty, he continued – Do I really have to do this, mom? Do I have to go?
-You should – she replied, surprised – Or you stay at home and do your thing. You are a grown man, you don’t need me to tell you what to do.
-Sure – Waan just nods and closes the door, leaving his mother outside, with a tiny bit of a shock. It is always like this. Waan rarely needs moral support from his mom, but even when he does, she just brushes him off with a cliché or a half-sentence. Waan curses himself for reaching out to her, yet he always tries again, when he loses hope.
The young man decides to sit back down to an unfinished report. He plugs in his earphone and starts typing, trying to find the right words, deleting paragraphs when he isn’t pleased with how they sound. He starts to warm up to it, the music calms him and the sudden possibility of staying home offers him a way of… Comfort? The next thing he knows is that his father is standing next to him. So close, in his personal space, that it makes Waan feel sick. It is always like this. His mother always tells everything to his father. And despite the fact that the man is almost never home, he knows more than he should. More than Waan wants him to know.
The man settles down next to him, leaning to his desk.
-Shame on you! Really, shame on you! – he shouts. Waan is surprised by the tone and the words, he doesn’t understand why his father is saying that to him. He raises a brow, but continues to type – I really can’t believe that you are doing this – his father continues – Take those out of your ear, now!
Waan reaches towards his ears to get the device out and looks at his father. He clinches his jaw, as he usually does when they fight and raises his eyebrows, waiting for the scolding.
-How can you do this to us? You have one job to deal with, but you can’t even do that – the shouting continues. Waan observes how his father’s breathing becomes uneven, and how his face is becoming redder because of the strain – Keep looking at me like that and I will hit you so hard that your head won’t stay on your neck!
Waan takes a deep breath and lowers his gaze. He thinks he is old and mature enough to handle this well. He will just stay there, avoiding his father’s gaze, listen to his bullshit, than carry on. The only obstacles in this plan are his mother, who followed his father to the room, and View, his younger brother, who just came in. Waan hated fighting in front of his younger brother. That kind kid always tried to take his side and calm the storm. But this was too much pressure for someone just entering puberty. It wasn’t his responsibility either. Waan knew that, however he couldn’t help but stay put as the harsh words continued to hit him.
-I can’t believe that when you have to face a harder task, you just back up. How will you live, what will you do like this? Why are you even alive then? Not to mention how selfish you are! You are living in your shell, not letting in anyone, always playing that stupid game of yours. You are escaping reality, giving everything up for those virtual things. You are not considerate with us at all – Waan was partly zoned out while listening to this. His mother suddenly bursting out crying surprised him a little. Not too much. Waan knew how his mother was overly sensitive, but also obedient. She never really stood up for herself, never expressed her opinion. She was just there by his father’s side, agreeing with him on almost everything. View went to comfort the woman. Waan would have been really grateful if those two left the room, but his voice left him when he tried to signal that. So they stayed. His mom’s sobs were more distracting than the amount of opprobrium he received.
-Also, I am taking this. You can have it back after the last meeting of the year!
That’s almost four months from that moment. Waan brought that phone himself. He just didn’t start to use it, since the case haven’t arrived yet. His father taking a phone from him appeared childish in Waan’s eyes. He didn’t work himself up. His other phone was still working, it was an older piece, but functional. He can manage with an old phone, it is not the end of the world.
-I don’t know how we should deal with this, but this is definitely not the right way – the mom cried.
-It is not, but what else am I supposed to do? – his father slammed the box to the desk.
“You taking my stuff is annoying enough, but if this breaks, I will be real mad.” Waan thought. But he didn’t say a word.
His father exhaled. He was the most worked up from the four of them, he needed a moment to calm down.
-Tell me Waan, what do you want to do? What will you do?
- When? – Waan asked after his father repeated the question. It was the safer option, even though he would have done anything else than speaking to that man.
- Now. Tomorrow. Next week, what do I know? – he sounded impatient.
- Catch up with the reports I lost track with – Waan answered, strictly looking at his laptop’s screen.
-You better get your grip together –his father said while standing up to dismiss the other three – Let’s hug and get back to work.
The initiation sounded strange itself. Maybe there was a tiny bit of humanity left in that man to comfort his wife. View joined the embrace too and moments later Waan stood up as well. He was annoyed, but he didn’t want his mother to cry harder. Waan was not a callous child after all, despite his father claiming him to be. He compromises if necessary.
The hug was uncomfortable. Waan really wanted to evaporate. He didn’t think that he could feel any worse, but when his father started to mumble a prayer, Waan wanted to bury himself. Waan didn’t believe in god. The god his parents believed in, more likely. He didn’t find anything that could offer him comfort in that aspect. Accepting that he liked man was a hard task itself, but hearing how this was unnatural, sick and wrong made it even harder. So Waan withdrew from religion. It was just unfortunate how his parents couldn’t respect this either.
After the longest fifteen minutes of Waan’s life, the parents finally left his room. View was still standing there, his eyes were watering a little. Waan stroked his head before sitting back down.
-Go to your room and sleep. This is not your fight to deal with. Don’t worry and focus on yourself – View nodded and left silently, while watching his eldest brother sit back down to his work, bending his shoulders.
Despite sitting for the following twenty minutes, with his hands on the keyboard, the words stopped floating in Waan’s mind. At a moment his eyes were filled with tears, at the other a manic laughter wanted to escape his lips. He found this situation just so pathetic and frivolous.
“Breathe. Focus on your breath. That is something you can fully control” the thought just randomly came to his mind. And then he tried. Inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four. And repeat. His heartbeat seemed to find a calmer rhythm. He was also able to let go of some of the things he was called.
“They don’t see the whole picture, they don’t understand. You do your thing” He cheered on himself. Reassurance was important to him. Despite becoming better at comforting himself, he still needed an outsider’s opinion too.
“Wanna talk for a sec?” He sent a message to T-Rex, his gaming buddy.
“At your service” the reply arrived almost immediately.
Waan was pretty much satisfied with the way he explained his situation. The boy on the other side of the phone just listened patiently and carefully.
-Parents can be tiring. You live under the same roof, yet they still don’t know anything about you. But I see you P’, I see your efforts and I think what you do is really valuable. You are a nice kid. Focus on yourself and take care, please.
-Thanks – Waan allowed himself a side smile and a soft chuckle – What would I do without you?
-Luckily, you don’t have to think about that. I got you – Tul reassured.