Chapter Text
My head hurt and there was a hand on my stomach. The headache almost made sense as I forced my swollen, achy eyes open, blinking against the sunlight that streamed in through the gauzy, white curtains. The curtains that were in entirely the wrong place. The hand was a bit more of a question although less pressing than the dick that was currently poking me in the back. Shaking my head to brush away the last bits of sleep that clouded my mind, I blinked as the room went from blurry to clear and I recognized my surroundings. Why the fuck was I in a guest room?
Bits and pieces of the night before came rushing back to me. The funeral. Theo showing up at the door. Astrid. The fight. Holy shit the fight. I wasn’t violent, not usually, but when it came to my family, all bets were off. Even as much as I tried to keep my distance from that part of the family business, it was still a part of who I was, good or bad. And Theo. Fucking. Theo. That asshole.
As much as he was one of my best friends, he also knew exactly how and when to push me when I needed it; and last night I had needed it. The last thing I remembered was sobbing in his lap on the kitchen floor because that wasn’t ridiculous at all. That meant… jesus christ. Pulling the hand that had somehow worked its way beneath my shirt away, I shook my head with a dry laugh as I slipped out of the bed. The fact that I was fully clothed was not a surprise. As much of a dog as Theo could be, he was almost a gentleman at times, and a friend first. Glancing at the monitor, I saw Astrid still sound asleep, sprawled diagonally across her bed. The sight brought a smile to my lips as I adjusted the blankets over Theo and clipped the monitor back to my waistband as I padded barefoot back to the kitchen.
The coffee pot hadn’t started brewing yet which meant that it wasn’t quite seven, but from the angle of the sunlight through the windows it would be going off in three, two- I heard the click of the machine and the slight whir as water heated as I headed to the fridge, yanking it open and staring blankly at the contents.
It was fully stocked and almost stupidly organized because my OCD tendencies kicked in full gear when I was stressed and that was an understatement of late. I should cook, but I needed a generous amount of caffeine before that, and, with options running through my mind, I yanked the cream from the door and grabbed a mug. I took a moment to glance out at the guest house, the curtains all still drawn. It wasn't a surprise, at all. Luna tended to stay hidden until the late morning.
The rich aroma of coffee already permeated the room and I yanked the carafe from its holder and stuck my mug under it in one smooth motion, reversing it as soon as my mug was almost two-thirds full. As much as I needed it to survive, I wasn't exactly a fan of the beverage; the Beastie Boys were right about that. Dumping a ridiculous amount of sugar into the porcelain, I topped it with more cream than was probably healthy and took a sip, sighing in utter delight. Hearing a groan from down the hall, I laughed and grabbed a second mug, filling it from the carafe and leaving it black as I set it on the breakfast bar across from the stool I perched on. Unless things had changed drastically, Theo still liked his coffee black and bitter.
Pulling my hands through my tangled hair, I took another swallow from my mug and glanced at the monitor. Astrid would probably be asleep for at least another, maybe two, if nothing woke her. Pansy could and often did sleep up to twelve hours a night when she could and Astrid was absolutely taking after her mother, at this point in her life anyway. Heading back to the fridge, I grabbed the milk and eggs as well as a container of raspberries and some vanilla creme fraiche, setting the entire load on the counter before grabbing bowls, whisks, and the other various sundries needed for muffins.
Cooking was, to me anyway, very much like writing music and was almost therapeutic which was something I sorely needed this morning. Luna would be overjoyed that her muffin recipe was being used. I loved that girl but she was insanely protective over her recipes. Then again, they were her livelihood so I couldn't blame her. Snagging the remote for the sound system, I clicked it on, singing along under my breath to Theo’s words, one of his first big hits if I remembered correctly, as I mixed and chopped losing myself in the familiar, comfortable routine.
"You wanna guest on my next album?" The voice was still husky, heavy with sleep and I didn't hide my smile.
Choking back a laugh at the casual statement, I shook my head, hair falling in my eyes as I scooped the batter into prepared pans, glancing at a very sleepy-looking Theo. "Perhaps if people like nails on a board. I can’t sing, I only play at it, that's your bag, Teddy. But thank you. Besides, people buy your albums for you. Don’t think that just because we haven’t talked I haven’t stayed caught up. I would have even if Pansy hadn’t demanded it." A small, sad smile pulled at my lips at the mention of my dear friend and I hid the reaction by heading to the oven, sliding the muffin tin in and quickly setting the timer.
I took an extra moment to fiddle with the pot holders, using the time as a ruse to compose myself. I wasn’t falling apart, not again, but the pain was still quite real. Taking a deep breath, I twist my hair up into a messy knot and hop up on a stool across from Theo at the breakfast bar, sipping my coffee before I can speak again. "If you need cream for your coffee, I have some in the fridge and all kinds of ridiculous flavored shit as well. People have been in and out…" waving a hand absently, I let the statement trail off as I dropped my head, focusing on the mug in my hands but peeking up at the man across from me.
He looked somehow the same but different at the same time, and prettier than he had a goddamn right to, even at this hour. I could see more of him in Astrid than I had before. Whether that was the hour, the haircut, or the simple sleepiness that was written on his face, I was not sure, but it suited him. "I dig the glasses." The statement was simple and quiet, something of a peace offering, as it were, after my hostility last night. There were no visible bruises on his face, a fact for which I was eternally thankful, although his chest had taken the majority of my ridiculous meltdown.
"Thank you for last night, Teddy. Not the being an asshole part, of course, but everything else. I… I needed it." Weakness was not something I willingly admitted to, not if I could help it, and Theo knew that better than very nearly anyone. Spinning the receiver around on the smooth granite, I let Theo watch Astrid as she slept. "She usually sleeps for another hour or so, she is so much like her mother. Did you sleep okay?"
"You never need to thank me, Angel and you know that." He was blunt but not harsh, taking a long sip of his hot coffee, the steam fogging his glasses. "And I slept well. Your sheets are fucking exquisite."
The nickname, while one that had been bestowed upon me years before, still had me shifting on my stool, my fingers absently tapping out the notes to the music that quietly flowed through the air. It was a tic, of sorts, developed from a lifetime of playing. Even if I didn’t have a piano, I played as much as I could, it was how I had always been. I could, and did, read music, but I often played by ear simply because I enjoyed it more. Letting my gaze dart back to Theo, I gave him a small smile. "I’m glad. And I slept better than I have in a week, thank you. You know you get handsy as fuck in your sleep, right? To say nothing about the rest…" I had to bite my tongue to keep from bursting into laughter. The joke would either go over well or get me bitched at, which one I wasn’t quite sure, but it was a step in the right direction either way.
When we were at school, another lifetime ago, that banter had been a vital part of our lives; a coping mechanism as it were, against the stresses of the city and school. Years had passed and life had taken us on ridiculously different paths but they had somehow always converged again, and in some unexpected ways. As much as I was upset with Theo for the way he treated Pansy, I couldn’t hold it against him for his entire life, although it would be a long, long while before that animosity was fully gone if it ever would be. The little girl upstairs, however, didn’t need to see that, not now and not ever, and if it meant swallowing my pride, at least when she was around I would do it.
Theo settled on his stool, pulling his hands through his messy hair, and blew out a long breath. "We've got to work together on this, Mia, you know that. I'm not gonna take Astrid away from you, but you've got to give me something. She's my daughter, and I deserve to know her."
"I know, Teddy." My words were quiet, just barely above a whisper, but I knew that Theo heard me. Despite a decade of touring, the asshole still had scary good hearing. Pushing my half-empty coffee mug away, I met his eyes, taken aback slightly by the emotions that were written so plainly in them. As opinionated as I was, especially on this subject, I wasn't willing to go to battle with Theo over this, especially when it was just for the sake of my pride. That didn’t, in any way, mean that I would back away and become a doormat, not on this, but I would also not risk hurting Astrid simply because I was strong-willed.
"I know. I’ve known that much longer than Pansy thought I did. She was convinced that she was hiding it but… you can’t fuck with the dates. It was obvious. I wouldn’t try and take her from you, ever. I always wanted her to tell you, and I never let her forget that she didn’t. And… thank you for letting me stay in her life. I would fight you for that, and you know it… but I also know that you feel the same way, even though you just met her."
"You're the best thing that could have happened to her, you know that right? There isn't anyone better that Pansy could have chosen. You're a good mom, Hermione." Theo'd always had an earnestness to his voice that made it hard to deny him; it was part of what made him such an amazing performer.
Exhaling slowly, I closed my eyes and rested my head in my hands for a moment while I weighed my words. "I’m not, but Pansy was. You would have loved to see them, Theo, you really would have. Pansy was born to be a mother and she was an amazing one." The memories flooded back and I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, quickly swiped away with my palms before they fell, although they still glistened as I met Theo’s green eyes again. "If I could have taken her place, I would have, in a heartbeat."
Theo stepped up, rounding the counter quickly and pulling me into a warm and familiar embrace. "You didn't have to do any of what you did, Mia. You stepped up in a big way, and did more than most people would have."
I let myself bask in the comfort for a moment, my arms sliding almost instinctively around Theo’s waist as he muttered against my hair. I knew he couldn’t have been comfortable, the man had nine inches on me on a good day, but I was, for the moment anyway, thankful for it. Theo had always been stupidly good at providing comfort, not only for myself and Pansy, although her comfort of choice was QUITE different than mine, but for the fans of his music as well.
That band had saved lives, many of them. It was part of why he was so good at what he did without losing himself as so many others had. My indulgence in self-pity only lasted for a few moments before I shook my head against Theo’s chest and took a deep breath. "Thank you, Teddy. That…. thank you." The words were simple but extremely heavy, in all aspects of the word, and they were true. He didn’t have to say them any more than I had to thank him, but we did, because it was who we were, both separately and together. We could, and did, fight and we would never see eye to eye on many things but there was so much more than that, especially now, with Astrid in the picture. "She has your name, you know."
"She's a Nott?" His words were barely a whisper, lost against my hair.
My smile was small as I crossed back around the counter and perched on my stool, coffee mug in hand. I could almost see the gears turning in his head and I knew, without a doubt, what he was thinking. Sipping my coffee before he spoke, I gave a small nod, my smile slipping as I heard his voice. Theo was questioning and that was something I don’t think I'd ever heard from him, not in over a decade. Granted, he was a performer by trade so he had to be but this… was different. Setting my mug down, I tap my fingers against the countertop as though it was a keyboard. "She is. Can you just… hang on?" Spinning the monitor towards him, I dash, barefoot, through the kitchen and up the stairs.
Tiptoeing past the doors to both my and Astrid’s rooms, I turn towards my office, crossing immediately to the gun safe in the closet. Entering the code and pressing my thumb against the scanner, I pulled it open as quietly as I could, retrieving the small silver box that sat in the middle of the shelf. Looking back up, I head to the kitchen again, setting it gently on the counter. I didn’t speak for a moment, simply lifted the lid and carefully unfolded the first document, sliding the birth certificate over to Theo. "Pansy insisted and, quite frankly, I would have as well if she'd thought otherwise. There was no question." Dropping my gaze to give him a moment, I let my fingers dance over the silver locket that stayed in the jewelry box.
I watched as he examined the document thoroughly, shrewd green eyes taking in every detail; the silence in the kitchen was deafening.
"Why'd they call you? The hospital, that is." it wasn't what I had expected, but so little about Theo was.
Sighing, I drop my head in my hands, giving it a shake. I knew what he wanted to hear but I couldn’t give him what he needed. I cursed Pansy for a brief moment in my mind before clearing my throat and returning my gaze to Theo. His eyes were cold and he looked almost more distant than I had ever seen him and, as mad as I was, he was entitled. "I was Pansy’s next of kin. And I fucking wanted to tell you, Theo, I did. It. Wasn’t. My. Call. Pansy made me promise not to. She was going to, it was always in her plans but… I just didn’t know when. You don’t get to blame me for this. Then again, Pansy isn’t here so that does fall on me. I’m sorry, Theo, I really am. I wanted you to know. I fucking tried to get in touch with you more than I should have but I couldn’t do it. I fucking couldn’t."
"Bullshit, Hermione. You know could have called me and you know that. Pansy… Pans did what she wanted, always, she had her plans and did what she wanted everyone else be damned. She was always looking out for the bottom line, and that was always her. If I didn't love that little girl and if we didn't have the history that we do, I would pull her out of here before you could fucking blink."
My jaw dropped as Theo spoke, his words practically dripping venom. The man was never one for threats, ever, and I knew that he meant exactly what he had said every word. He had more power at his fingertips than I did and, were it not me, I would expect him to use it. I had seen, firsthand, how protective Theo could get, especially over people he cared about.
Some of our exploits in New York were living proof of that, and I was scared for a minute not only for myself but for Astrid as well, even though I knew with every ounce of my being that he would never hurt Astrid, despite only knowing her for not even a day. Hell, if I knew Theo as well as I thought I did, he would die for her, right now.
Just because I understood, however, did not temper my anger, not even a bit. Jumping off my stool, I round the bar and tilt my head back to narrow my eyes at Theo. Even seated he still had inches on me. My voice shook with anger and I was barely able to reign in my volume.
"Goddamnit, Theodore. How the fuck don’t you get it? I’m proud of you for your life, I’m fucking ecstatic. I know how goddamn hard you worked to get where you are. Despite what you may fucking think, I don’t hold that against you, I never fucking have. Christ, Pansy, and I both toured a bit after school, although not nearly to the extent that you did. You fucking deserve what you have, Theo, every goddamn bit of it. I was never mad at you for that, ever. The only goddamn thing I was EVER mad at you for was how you fucking treated Pansy. You knew, KNEW that she was in love with you and you strung her along. THAT'S what I am mad about, that's all I have ever been mad about. She fucking deserved better, Theo, and so do you. And yeah, if you wanna place blame, fine. I suck. I let my anger get the best of me and you suffered for it. I’m fucking sorry but I can’t forgive it. Not this fucking easily."
My hands were by my sides, balled into fists with my blunt nails digging into my palms. I hated being this angry, and I knew, logically, that it wasn’t all Theo’s fault but the hurt was still so fresh and so real that I couldn’t let go, not yet.
"Strung her along? That's what she said, that I strung her along." He was incredulous, but his voice was quiet and almost dangerous. "I took care of her, of both of you and that went both ways, you of all people know that. Pansy… after school you were fine but Pans always needed just a little more and I gave I, more than I should have. I pad her loans, Hermione. Bills, everything. I asked… I was so fucking stupid. I asked her to marry me at least half a dozen times but despite everything, I wasn't fucking good enough. Now tell me, Hermione, who strung who along again?" He kept his gaze down, fingers fiddling with the edges of the papers in front of him.
I couldn’t speak as I listened to Theo’s words. They were cold and harsh, but his face told an entirely different story. My shoulders sagged and I dropped my head as he spoke, my eyes going directly to the floor. Jesus Christ. I tried to reconcile my best friend with what I was being told all the while being ashamed of my own actions. Angry tears stung my eyes yet again, although they weren’t for Pansy, not this time. They were because of her though and I hated that.
Steeling my spine, I took a deep breath and looked back up, meeting Theo’s gaze. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw there. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach just by seeing the pain in his eyes. Pansy had lied to me, hidden so fucking much but what she did to Theo… what I had done to him. I felt sick as I second-guessed myself, and my choices. The things I had known for so long and how much I had hurt him simply because I didn’t know others.
Not bothering to blink back the tears that slipped down my cheeks, I shook my head as I held his gaze. It was silent save for the music that flowed through the speakers as I stood there staring at Theo. I acted almost on instinct, closing the small space between us and throwing my arms around his neck, and rising on my tiptoes to press my lips against his cheek as I leaned up towards his ear and tugged him tightly closer, tears still falling. "I’m sorry Teddy, I didn’t know… I’m so sorry. "
"None of that, Mia. You don't have to be sorry for what Pansy did, it's not your fault. She always played games that made you feel like you were the only other person in the world but that was just who she was. You can apologize, Angel, but not for what she did. That's not on you. For once that beautiful brain of yours wasn't in charge. It was her game, Angel, and we just played it. "
The sob that slipped from my lips at the words that were muffled against my shoulder was broken and quiet, but that didn’t make it any less meaningful. I didn’t cry, ever, and I was on my second round of tears in less than twelve hours. The reasons behind them couldn’t have been more different, but that didn’t help decrease the pain at all. I was completely confused, beyond what was probably necessary, and at the same time felt ridiculous for it. This wasn’t my bag. I didn’t wallow in self-pity, hell I didn’t wallow at all. And honestly, there was no reason for me to be so fucking at odds with myself.
Compared to the news that Theo had gotten in the last day this was fucking nothing but a drop in the bucket. Sniffling like a goddamned child, I leaned back just slightly to meet Theo’s eyes again, still taken aback by the pain and tiredness there, both of which I had helped cause, that he didn’t deserve. Shaking my head, I lifted a hand to his cheek, the stubble rough under my fingers. "There is, Theo. Don’t placate me, okay? That… carrying a secret that long… being fucking hurt, hell dealing with misdirected anger… that is not a job, not yours and not anyone’s. You didn’t deserve it, Teddy. Not for a fucking second, do you understand me? I’m not pitying you, you fucking know me better than that. I don’t say anything I don’t mean especially if it is an apology. I’m sorry."
"Don't Hermione. Don't apologize. It's not fucking your fault. We both knew the Pansy she wanted us to see. She wanted the world at her fingertips and I wasn't in a place to give her that, not yet, but even when I was… she still didn't want it. I still asked, even though I knew her answer. I was a fool for her. It doesn't matter anymore, Mia."
He was so quiet, so resigned that it made my blood boil.
"Goddamnit, Theo." My voice was barely a whisper and I found myself, once again, cursing Pansy. That she was offered everything, EVERYTHING that she had ever wanted, or at least professed to want, aside from performing, on a silver platter and with Theo… And she turned it down. I tried to wrap my mind around that and struggled. Why would she have gone through that all by herself when she didn’t need to? I had watched every moment of her pregnancy and it wasn’t easy. She had been on bed rest for months, struggled and fought but insisted, every moment that Theo not know. But he had said he would be there. What the fuck was she hiding and, more importantly, what was he not telling me?
Darting my tongue out over my lips, I twisted, dropping my arms for just a moment while I pushed myself up on the granite bar, finally getting eye-to-eye with him as my arms slipped back around his neck, my voice soft. "It does matter, Theo. Tell me, please?"
"You won't like it, Mia… But after that last show that was it. I told her she could have everything. Marriage, 2.5 kids, a house in the suburbs, and a dog. She didn't have to work, I'd stop touring… She laughed. She was cruel, always, but we loved her, didn't we? Even after everything, she demanded it and we gave it. And it wasn't enough. I wasn't."
I saw red almost instantly with every word that Theo spoke, my anger towards Pansy seemed to increase and my hands balled into fists against his back as I tried to calm myself enough to speak. How fucking dare she. Pansy had lied, not only to me but to Theo and Astrid, for longer than I had even been able to comprehend and she had done it so easily and consistently for such a long time. The lies to me weren’t the worst, not at all. The way she had treated Theo, the things she had said… even what she hadn’t.
The pieces slowly clicked into place about why keeping Astrid secret for so long was such a huge issue. The tears that stung my eyes were ones of range at this point rather than sadness and they only built further as I studied Theo. As much of a performer as he was, he couldn’t hide the hurt from me, not when I was this close, even after all this time. My heart broke for him and Astrid at the same time, and I acted purely on instinct, without thinking. My hands relaxed for the briefest of moments before fisting again in the soft cotton of his shirt. I tugged gently, pulling him nearly flush against me, and shook my head, my voice barely a whisper. "Fuck that, Theo. You are enough, you are more than enough. And I’m so fucking sorry. "
"Fuck that, huh? Whatever you say, Mia."
I didn’t have time to protest, although I wasn’t entirely sure if I would before Theo’s lips were on mine. My eyes widened in surprise for just a moment before they fluttered closed out of instinct and I leaned into him, melting into his kiss. Jesus christ.
Words seemed to vanish as I leaned into Theo, hooking my foot behind his ass and tugging him as near as fucking possible while I leaned into his chest. My brain was almost shut down, save for a quiet, muffled voice reminding me who exactly this was but… fuck that. In the decade plus that we had known each other, this had never happened, ever, with us but somehow in this moment it seemed like the only thing that made sense. I wasn’t always good with words, quite the opposite, and I tried to hide my emotions as much as I could and often let my actions speak for themselves which had, in the past, led to some not exactly logical decisions but somehow, right now, this was right.
A soft sound from the monitor pulled me out of my reverie quicker than I even realized and before I could process what was happening, Theo was gone, dashing up the stairs to Astrid without a word. I sat on the counter, dazed, for a moment before I glanced at the monitor, holding it carefully as I started to regain my wits.
My smile was soft and almost instant as I watched the interaction on the small screen even as I tried to come to terms with what had just passed. Shaking my head as though that would clarify anything, I hopped down from the counter, setting the monitor aside as I headed towards the fridge to get Astrid’s milk.
My face was still flushed and I was just setting the muffins down to cool when they came back in, Astrid looking sleepy but happy as she snuggled into Theo’s arms. My eyes darted from the little girl to Theo and I smiled as I held my arms out, the lidded Elsa cup in my hand, switching gears immediately. The discussion of what just happened could wait, that little girl needed me right now. Giving Theo a soft, hopefully, reassuring smile and cursing the heat that lingered in my cheeks, I relieved him of the sleepy toddler who curled almost instantly into my arms, cup instantly going into her mouth as she rested her head against my shoulder, her soft, honey apple sleepy scent calming me almost instantly and I pressed a kiss to her head.
"Did you sleep well, Sunshine? Why don’t we go rock and you can tell me." I don’t wait for an answer instead nodding at Theo to follow as I head down the hall to begin the morning.