Work Text:
“ What classifies someone as unlovable? Is there even such a thing? If there isn’t, then why do some people feel unlovable? Are they driven to it? Are they insane? Are the ”
Kaveh sighs and stands up. His paper is getting nowhere. What’s the point of writing if you have no inspiration? Kaveh stretches and heads to the kitchen, he’s barely eaten today and it’s starting to affect his productivity.
Alhaitham is in the kitchen, reading at the dining table, “As much as I would love to be telling you off about reading at the table, the idea of getting your book dirty with zaytun peach juice brings a smile to my face.” Kaveh absentmindedly says as he looks around the kitchen for something to snack on, “I’m not incompetent enough to make careless mistakes like that, unlike a certain someone I know rather well.” Alhaitham shoots back, not once looking up from his book.
Kaveh huffs, “You’re lucky that all my brain power is being taken up by this stupid paper, or you’d be in a world of hell for disrespecting your senior like that!” Alhaitham huffs at him, but ultimately says nothing. Kaveh, satisfied with “winning” the argument, returns to his room with a bowl of random fruits he grabbed and peeled.
Kaveh looked back at his paper. No matter how many times he read the question and turned it over in his brain he couldn’t figure out what to write. What did make someone unlovable? Sure, people can be annoying and frankly assholes, but that doesn’t make them unlovable…Does it? Kaveh isn’t perfect, though of course he’d never admit that, but people still loved him right? He has friends like Cyno, Tighnari, Alhaitham, and Nilou, plus the people at the tavern seem to find him fun.
But…that isn’t necessarily love is it? Kaveh examines his paper again. Does anyone love him? Cyno is a good friend and work associate, sure his jokes are appalling, but the sheer absurdity of them make them sort of humorous in a way, but Cyno probably wouldn’t say he loved Kaveh if asked.
Well then, what about Tighnari? Kaveh has known Tighnari for quite a while now and the two get along famously. Tighnari helps him with small harmless pranks and joins him in quite a few visits to the tavern (though he doesn’t drink nearly as much as Kaveh does.) But once again, Kaveh can’t imagine Tighnari saying that he loves him.
What about Nilou? Nilou is a sweetheart! She doesn’t even have the ability to dislike anyone. Kaveh and her talk quite a bit about the more creative side of life, since no one else is as interested as she is. She sees the world in color unlike her other friends. Kaveh could definitely see Nilou saying she loves him if asked, but wouldn’t she say that about anyone? There’s nothing particularly special about it. Hell, there’s a pretty likely chance she doesn’t even mean it.
Would…Alhaitham say he loves me? Kaveh thinks, his cheeks flushing almost immediately. His heart leaps and his head dizzies at the thought of Alhaitham saying he loved him. Kaveh loves Alhaitham, whether he’d like to admit it or not. He loves all his friends of course, but Alhaitham maybe a little more…It’s not his fault! Alhaitham looks like he was sculpted by the Archon’s themselves! How could Kaveh not see him as the perfect model? So yeah, he spends some time drawing him every now and then, and maybe he’s memorized every little detail about his face, and how his lips part slightly when he’s extremely focused…
Kaveh shakes his head, ridding himself of those thoughts that he doesn’t have time to even attempt to unpack. Would Alhaitham say he loves him? Kaveh lowers his head as the answer blares in his mind deafeningly loud.
No.
Alhaitham doesn't love Kaveh
Kaveh absentmindedly picks up a doodle he made when procrastinating, it was an extremely detailed headshot of Alhaitham. Alhaitham probably doesn’t care what happens to Kaveh, and hell, who could blame him? Kaveh is loud, annoying, lazy, rude, sloppy…God, he doesn’t even love himself .
So who’s left then? Kaveh thinks, gently tearing off the corner of the paper where he doodled Alhaitham’s face. Kaveh stares into the small eyes of the drawing, trying to rack his brain for someone, anyone, who may love him. When he came up empty handed Kaveh’s hand clenched on the paper.
No one loves him.
He’s unlovable.
————
And so that’s how it began, the decline in Kaveh’s mental health. After his painful realization Kaveh did everything to gain his friends attention and approval, even put off his work to do something for them, especially if Alhaitham asked him to do it. Sure Kaveh would bitch and moan whilst he did whatever he was asked to do, but he would always do it. He needed to. He needed them to like him. Love him. But no matter what he did, it didn’t feel like enough. He still felt disgusting, he still felt like he was an awful unworthy person.
Unlovable . His mind sang the word like a familiar melody that you can’t quite remember the name of.
Unlovable . His mouth tasted the foul flavor of the word on the tip of his tongue.
Unlovable . The word resonated with his very soul, it fit like a missing puzzle piece. The word was his, and he couldn’t fight it.
He would pierce his skin at night with an old razor he would come to find comfort in, trying to cut the word out, make him feel something other than the pure, lucid hatred for himself. Unlovable . Where was it ringing from? Why wouldn’t it just go away?
Unlovable .
Shut up!
Unlovable.
Leave me alone!
Unlovable.
“ I FUCKING HATE YOU! ” Kaveh screamed, throwing the bloody razor across the room, it hit the wall and some of his blood splattered onto it. A mess for another time. Kaveh grabbed some of his self portraits and began tearing them, “ I hate you! ” He cried, bloody hands gashing his own face on the paper, “ Look at what you’ve done! ” He sobbed, accidentally staining the papers and the floor with a bit of red. He held his head in his hands, no matter what he did it didn’t feel like enough. He needed more. Needed to be more. Needed to feel more. Needed to love more.
Kaveh needed to leave. Forever. He didn’t care if he was being impulsive, he just needed to go somewhere he could breathe . He hurriedly washed his hands and opened the door to his bedroom. He was about to rush out the front door when he suddenly stopped in his tracks.
He saw Alhaitham sleeping peacefully on the couch, his noise canceling headphones most likely being on. Kaveh…loved Alhaitham. He really, really loved Alhaitham.
Kaveh carefully walked over to Alhaitham’s sleeping form. He looked so beautiful, so undisturbed. He’s the definition of perfect. He was everything Kaveh could never be. That’s why he was loved. That’s why he is cared for. That’s why he will never love Kaveh back. Kaveh leaned down and placed a soft peck to Alhaitham’s cheek. He would never love Kaveh, he didn’t even like the guy for fucks sake.
Which is why…
Kaveh stood up, he went to his room and took out his report he still hadn’t finished. And he wrote. He wrote until the sun shone high in the sky, symbolizing a new day had come. Kaveh finally understood. Everything clicked all at once. He felt a sense of morbid happiness, he figured it out! Hours of writing went by, and the paper was complete. It’s a shame he’ll never turn it in. Kaveh flipped the paper over and wrote a quick note on it, then grabbed a new piece of paper and wrote another note, but he left that one on the living room table. Satisfied with his work, he left.
————-
Alhaitham tapped his foot impatiently on the wooden floor of his shared dining room. Kaveh has been gone for 2 days now and it’s already late as hell out. Where the hell is he?
2 days ago Alhaitham had found a note on the living room table saying Kaveh would be gone for a while and that his only request is that under no circumstance Alhaitham goes in his room. It’s…a reasonable request, but a strange one. Kaveh has never specified he didn’t want Alhaitham in his room, it’s just kind of been a silent understanding that he wouldn’t since Kaveh has a right to privacy.
Kaveh has been gone for 2 days now. 2 whole days! If Kaveh was going on a long trip to the desert, or somewhere else for work, he would have specifically said so! Why was his note so…vague? As much as Alhaitham hates to admit it, he is horribly worried. What if Kaveh got hurt? It’s definitely in the realm of possibilities, there’s been many times when Kaveh comes back late with a black eye or a limp. But even then, he still came back! Where the hell could he be?
Alhaitham shook his head, this is stupid. He thought. He quickly walked to Kaveh’s door and put his hand on the handle. Yes, Kaveh specified that he didn’t want Alhaitham going in here, but what if it had a clue as to where Kaveh went? As much as he doesn’t want to upset Kaveh, this is definitely an emergency.
Alhaitham threw the door open and what he saw kept him rooted in place.
Kaveh’s room was absolutely trashed.
The only thing that was unharmed was a neat piece of paper on Kaveh’s bed with his name on it. Alhaitham slowly walked over to it, examining the room as he did so.
Ink covered the floors and walls, his bed was unmade and the sheets were torn and in a pile by his nightstand, there were torn papers everywhere, all of which were pictures of Kaveh himself. A few pictures were crumpled and when Alhaitham inspected them, they were all photos of him.
Alhaitham reached down and picked up the note.
Alhaitham,
If you are reading this, that means you completely disregarded my prior request and went into my room. I’m not upset, I’m actually quite happy. I do have a question for you, if you would humor me with a response.
Did you come in here out of curiosity, or worry?
Alhaitham found the question strange, of course he was worried. Alhaitham isn’t the kind of person to disregard someone’s wishes out of a fleeting feeling of curiosity. Alhaitham continued to read the note.
If you came here out of curiosity, I only have one wish, and this time I’m 100% serious. Please do not turn over this note. Set the paper back on my bed and pretend you were never in here.
If you came in here out of worry however. Then I want you to read the back of this note, I’ll explain everything, I’m tired of keeping things bottled up, and you may be the only person that would actually care about any of this.
Alhaitham was confused, and honestly a little scared. What the fuck is Kaveh talking about? Explain what? Keeping things bottled up? Only one to care about what? Alhaitham slowly turned the paper over, and on it was another, much longer note.
It wasn’t actually much of a note, more of a story. A story of a man tainted by the ghosts of his past, and his doubt. A man trapped in his own mind, so far deep that he can hear his voice echo. A man who had been driven to do the most horrid things one could do to themself.
A man who was unlovable.
Alhaitham wouldn’t be able to tell you the finer details of the note, the ending paragraph took up too much of his memory, it felt as though the last paragraph had been seared into his brain, forever haunting him.
If you are reading this, that means you’re worried. It means you care about me in one way or another. Thank you. Thank you so much. I wish that was enough for me though. As you probably guessed, the story above was about me, and what I’ve been feeling for a while now, and you may be wondering, “But Kaveh isn’t dead, and the man is?” But don’t worry, we just hadn’t reached that chapter yet. In 2 days from now I will be gone. When the clock hits 00:00 on the 2nd day, I will be starting a new journey into a different plane of existence. If it’s already too late by the time you see this, just know I tried, and please forget about me. If it’s not, then have the address of where I will be, I’d like to see you one last time at least.
I wish I could have told you in person that I love you.
-Kaveh
Alhaitham needed to process all of these emotions. Kaveh admitted to hurting himself, being suicidal, then confessed his love to him? If he had the time he would be sitting on the couch right now and working all of those true. Unfortunately, time was one of the few things he didn’t have right now.
Alhaitham checked the clock, 23:30. He has 30 minutes. Alhaitham looked at the letter again for the address. The address was to a small motel on the outskirts of Sumeru City. He knew where that was! He knew how to get there!
Alhaitham dropped the paper and bolted out the door. Alhaitham ran as hard as he could, he was racing against time itself. He prayed to every Archon he knew, begging that they would have mercy on him and let him save his roommate, his love.
Alhaitham reached the motel and bolted past the reception desk, the lady working there calling after him as he did. The paper said Kaveh’s room number was 304, so Alhaitham spent no time dawdling trying to figure out which was his.
He risked looking at the clock, 23:50 , Alhaitham ran harder, time seemed to be moving in slow motion as he counted the numbers on the doors.
301
302
303
304
Alhaitham grabbed the doorknob and slammed open the door, not having the time to care about why the door was unlocked.
Alhaitham ran into the room and immediately headed for the bedroom. He slammed open the final door between him and his love, his life. And of course, Kaveh was there, just like he’d said he’d be.
————
What makes someone unlovable?
Was it the way they acted?
The way they treated others?
The way others viewed them?
The way they viewed themself?
Or maybe it’s the way the word takes on a life of its own. The word latches on and holds on until it sucks all the life out of a person, just like a parasite.
Unlovable . Kaveh was unlovable.
Unlovable . Kaveh was unlovable?
Unlovable . Kaveh was lovable.
Unlovable.
Alhaitham loved Kaveh.