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Greenland is more north, south, east, and west in comparison to Iceland. However, it isn’t closer to the meat pit. Welcome to Nightvale.
Listeners, today is the day celebrating the Museum of Forbidden Technology! This once-in-a-lifetime event has been much anticipated for the whole… [SHUFFLING OF PAPER] two days we knew it was going to happen. In order to celebrate the Museum and all it does, the City Council is permitting the usage of exactly one piece of technology locked behind its boarded halls.
There is much debate on what gadget the community should decide to use. Of course, there’s the infamous time machine, but I’d hope we’re smart enough to not pull that out again. I mean, really. There’s only so many times we can spend multiple radio segments documenting repairing the timeline before it gets old. Besides, there’s so much else in there that we could try! Like… like pens! Or– this might be a bit bold, but what about– [CUT OFF BY SOUND OF BELLS]
Listeners, I’m getting word that the Good Neighbors have gotten ahold of our allotted forbidden technology. Now, we all know about the Gentry and their antics in the Whispering Woods, but to think… gosh, how exactly are we going to get that back? And does this mean we don’t get to pick anymore?
[LONG PAUSE]
Well, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. More on the Museum of Forbidden Technology as the story develops.
And now, a missing person’s report. Two young adults have gone missing, by the names of Lysander and Hermia. They were last seen, quote, ‘making heart eyes at each other while being threatened to execution or forced religious practice’, and have not been seen since. If you see either of them, please do not report it to the Sheriff’s Secret Police but rather Hermia’s father, Egeus, or… the duke of A-theens? At-ens? Athoons? Ay-thens. Aythens. Whoever that is. They will both be located in the old pillared temple that appeared in the sand wastes just outside the Whispering Woods.
Listeners, a continuation of our news story regarding the Museum of Forbidden Technology. It has been confirmed that the Fae have taken… a flower. Now, I’m not entirely sure why a flower would be in the museum, considering we have all sorts of flora that are neither forbidden nor technology, but it was. And now it’s not. The Museum of Forbidden Technology initially refused to comment on this situation when asked by the press, preferring instead to make clicking sounds and scuttle on the walls. However once it disappeared into smoke, the pattern of its footsteps revealed a message that read ‘no trade-back-sies, you picked your tech, too bad so sad’. A smooth and professional response from the PR, as always.
Before we continue with our main segment, here’s the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.
Kids, have you ever been eating your favorite snack containing peanut butter, and suddenly been struck with the horrifying thought that it is stuck to the roof of your mouth? And no matter how much you try and get it off it remains? And then over time, every time you eat peanut butter a little bit more would stick to the roof of your mouth until all the space left was peanut butter? Well, friends, that might just be Arachibutyrophobia [A-RACK-IH-BEAU-TRI-PHOBIA]. And, oh, look, that’s what you have packed for lunch today! A PB&J! Enjoy.
That concludes the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.
Listeners, our previous missing person’s report has escalated into a more urgent crisis– breaking news as I’ve been told to phrase it for something called a “rube-r-eye-k.” Two more have gone missing– Helena and Demetrius. I tried to ask for last names, but when I did so my intern Nora shifted awkwardly and said something along the lines of ‘Cecil, we don’t know, but I’m pretty sure I read about this in high school and it’s somehow leaking into our reality.’ I laughed and told them to go fetch me some coffee. Interns. Love ‘em or you hate ‘em.
Anyways, like I said before, if you know anything about the whereabouts of Hermia, Helena, Demetrius or Lysander, please contact Egeus or the Duke of Aythens.
And now, the weather.
[LONG, WITHERING SILENCE]
Huh. Now’s normally the time some indie song plays, and the conflict our broadcast centers around conveniently resolves.
[LONGER PAUSE]
Well.
It’s sunny out today, though there are a group of… protesters? Perhaps? Who are gathered at the edge of the woods holding lanterns and chanting about being moonlight. It could be some kind of religious practice, I’m not one to judge.
[ANOTHER PAUSE]
It’s almost funny, actually. None of them have the proper ritualistic attire to even become the moon. And the moon, really? The moon is awful. At least pretend to be clouds or something now that they’re legal. One of them is coated in plaster. Are they– wait, listeners, I think that's the acting troupe for the New Old Opera house. What are they doing?
Oh- oh, listeners, as I’m looking through my station window, there are horses and dogs emerging from the temple. There’s a man, dressed in a toga and a ceremonial meat crown, and a woman who is very tall, and another man who… well, he’s unimportant at this point. They’re heading straight for the Whispering Woods, listeners, what are they doing? Weren’t they supposed to be staying there in search of the missing persons? While I gather more intel, here’s a word from our sponsors.
Toothbrush.
That concludes a word from our sponsors.
Listeners, I apologize for such a long ad-break, but I’m pleased to announce that the missing persons cases have all been resolved! In fact, not only that, but as it turns out, these new visitors to Nightvale have actually traveled all the way here to have their weddings together! Awww, how sweet. I remember when Carlos and I got married, oh, what a happy day. I hope it’s just as happy for them. And–get this–the flower returned to the museum of forbidden technology. What do you know! We don’t even need the weather to conveniently resolve conflicts.
Stay tuned next for Buddy Holly, except all of the lyrics are “what’s with these homies dissin’ my girl” autotuned to match the melody. And, as always, good night, Nightvale, good night.