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some things need to be said

Summary:

“I think I get it now,” she says, slightly louder and with more intention. Joel looks questioningly at her, and she lifts her head to meet his eyes.

“I get it now. Why you did it.”

“Oh,” he exhales, his brain connecting the dots and realizing what she means by that.

“What changed?”

———
or, ellie finally understands joel’s choice and they talk about feelings for fucking once

Work Text:

Joel sits on his front porch, playing a slow tune on his guitar, the crickets as his audience. It’s a cool autumn evening, and Joel has no plans except for some guitar and some fresh air. He’d been working all day, helping Dina with some repairs in her and Ellie’s new house just down the street, and he’s thankful to finally be finished and able to relax for the night. 

 

Light footsteps start to make their way towards him. Joel’s heart speeds up for a millisecond, but then he recognizes the way the feet thump on the gravel pathway and knows who it is. He had heard those footsteps nonstop for almost a year- he would know them anywhere. 

 

“Hey, Ellie,” he says, confused but not at all unhappy that she’s here. 

 

“Hey,” she echoes, walking up to the porch and leaning against the railing, just like she did that fateful night after the dance last year. The night when Ellie started to come back to him. 

 

“You okay?” Joel asks, slightly worried by her silence. Three years ago, he would have been grateful for her to even stand near him, silent or not; but now, after a year of rebuilding their relationship, he had grown used to her voice being a constant again. 

 

“Yeah. Just… missed you, I guess. Wanted to say hi.” 

 

Joel hums, puts his guitar down and walks over to stand next to Ellie. He’ll never get tired of her saying things like that. 

 

 “Missed ya too.” 

 

They stand in comfortable silence for a while, until Joel hears a faint whistle of words from the girl standing next to him. 

 

“You say something, kiddo? 

 

Ellie puts her head down, averting her eyes from his. “I think I get it now,” she says, slightly louder and with more intention. Joel looks questioningly at her, and she lifts her head to meet his eyes. 

 

“I get it now. Why you did it.”

 

“Oh,” he exhales, his brain connecting the dots and realizing what she means by that. He had hoped she would understand one day, but hope is a fickle flame, and keeping it alight is tricky. He hoped just enough to keep him going, never enough to actually believe it. Hoping is much easier than believing. 

 

“What changed?”

 

Ellie sucks in a deep breath and averts her eyes again. Ever a patient man, Joel waits, as he knows how hard this must be for her to say. He waited two years for his daughter to speak to him again, and he would wait for a hundred more if it meant he would get to hear what she had to say one day. 

 

One minute, five, maybe ten goes by as Joel waits for her to speak, but he doesn’t mind. 

 

Ellie clears her throat. 

 

“I had a kid.” She pauses and meets Joel’s eyes with a soft smile. “That’s what changed.” 

 

A serene look of contentment is on Ellie’s face as they look at each other. She looks like she’s found peace within the war in her mind– like she’s finally stopped feeling guilty for living. Like all is forgiven. He never thought he would see her look at anyone, let alone him, that way. 

 

Joel smiles back. “Yea, that’ll do it.”

 

Another round of silence fills the air between them; but it’s not uncomfortable, nor does it have the expectation of further words. They could end this conversation now, and both still walk away content. Joel and Ellie had never needed to speak much; they had always understood each other best in the silence, in the way that they protected each other. Wordless, yet saying so much. 

 

Ellie keeps talking, though, and with a new urgency this time. Sometimes, some things need to be said. 

 

“It’s like… I saw him, and everything changed,” she says quickly as if she’s scared the words won’t be able to make it out unless she says them right here, right now. “And then I held him, and I knew. I looked into his beautiful brown eyes and sweet little potato face, and he held my pinky with his tiny fist, and I just knew. I could never let anything hurt him. Ever.” 

 

Joel’s body instinctually mirrors Ellie’s urgency, his heart beating faster. He wills his breath to steady as he continues to listen. 

 

“And then I rocked him to sleep that night, so Dina could get some rest. And all I could think about… was if it was JJ in that hospital.” 

 

She turns back to Joel, her eyes glistening with tears begging to fall. Ellie inhales deeply, “And I thought about you, and how scared you must have been, and how what you had to do, and how much that had to have hurt, but how it didn’t matter because all that mattered was that I was still here, and how selfish you were, and how selfish I am because I’m so glad I didn’t die in that hospital,” she says in one long-winded breath. 

 

Ellie gasps for air a little, as a tear slides down her face, like rain falls down on the dirt, renewing the seeds of hope that Joel knew were still inside her. Ellie has never liked to cry, but he knows that her tears must be cleansing her– forgiving her so that she can forgive herself. 

 

“Oh, babygirl,” he whispers, pulling his daughter into his arms. Although she’s a bit taller now, her head pushes against his shoulder before it slots into the crook of his neck, just like she did all those years ago in the flames of a fiery snowstorm. Joel feels somewhat similar to how he did then- albeit much calmer and not in danger- but like he never wanted to let her go. She was so small back then, and so terrified. Joel had held her tiny frame as she sobbed, unbelievably relieved that she was still with him. God only knows what would have happened if he hadn’t found her. 

 

Now, years later, he holds her the same as then, his palm rubbing soothing circles on her back, his lips murmuring reassurances and pressing soft kisses on her head as he smoothes her hair. Ellie whimpers a little, sobs beginning to rack her now strong and healthy body, gifted to her from years of home-cooked meals and trail rides with Joel. 

 

They stay like that for a while, enveloped in each other's arms, until Ellie’s cries turn into sniffles, and Joel feels her head move slightly away. She opens her mouth to speak, but hesitates for a moment, until bashfully, she asks, “When did you know?”. She buries her head back in his neck, hiding as if afraid to hear the answer.

 

Joel breathes out a soft sigh and pulls her away from his chest so he can meet her eyes. “Well… I reckon it was in Kansas City when you told me that damn diarrhea joke,” he answers, eyes twinkling in the moonlight from the memory. 

 

Ellie was absolutely not expecting that answer. She lets out a shocked guffaw and smacks him playfully on the arm. 

 

“You’ve gotta be shitting me, right?” she giggles, clearly not believing his claim. 

 

“Ellie, when have I ever joked with you?” 

 

“All the fucking time!” she exclaims, feigning offense to his claim. “Be honest, you dick! Are you being serious?”

 

“Dead serious.” 

 

Ellie pauses, looking at her dad’s stoic face, before breaking down and laughing uncontrollably. 

 

“Damn, that’s so lame!” She clutches her stomach, laughing so much she must be in pain. “Mine was all poetic and shit, and yours is when I told a dumb diarrhea pun??” 

 

Joel starts to laugh along with her, the absurdity of his realization finally hitting him. “Yup, that’s me, kiddo,” he chuckles, “the lamest man in all of Jackson.”  

 

“Don’t you mean, lamest old man in all of Jackson,” Ellie corrects, her eyes watering as she laughs. 

 

He waves her off dismissively. 

 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m old, we get it. Pick a new damn joke, will ya?” 

 

He puts on an annoyed tone (or, as Ellie would call it, his asshole voice), but he knows that she will hear that there’s no real bite to it. 

 

“Pfft,” Ellie scoffs, rolling her eyes. “Don’t act like you don’t secretly love my jokes. You literally just admitted that you liked them so much you decided to basically adopt me!” Her voice is teasing, her eyes sparkling. 

 

“Well, what can I say? Ya wore me down,” he chuckles softly. His laughter fades slightly, remembering the real reason why that joke made him realize he would do anything for her. He furrows his brows, in deep thought. Seeing him stop laughing, Ellie pauses, frowning slightly. 

 

“What’s THAT face for?” she teases, although her expression remains slightly concerned. 

 

Joel sighs, but knows that he should explain. After all, she’d opened up to him, so the least he could do was return the favor. (Plus, they’ve been doing this whole “communication” thing lately, and it seems to be working or whatever, so he might as well keep it going) Still, vulnerability is hard for Joel– especially when it comes to talking about his feelings. Especially when it comes to Ellie. But sometimes, things need to be said. 

 

“That night was the first time I had really laughed in twenty years,” he explains. 

 

Ellie releases a quiet, “Oh,” understanding the tonal shift now. 

 

“The last person to make me laugh like that was Sarah,” he continues, “She was always sayin’ dumb jokes like that. Always rilin’ me up, makin’ me laugh like no one else could. After…” He pauses and takes a breath before continuing, “After she died, it was like I died with her. The only reason I kept going was for Tommy, cause I had to keep going for family. But I was numb, and I felt barely alive. I never laughed. Ever.” 


Ellie nods in a quiet understanding, silently encouraging him to keep talking. Joel looks down at the floor, swallowing the urge to run away. 

 

“So when I finally laughed again– when you told that joke– it was like I had been reborn or somethin’. Like I had been underwater for 20 years and suddenly reached the surface. I could breathe again and finally processed that a kid was right there, breathin’ with me. A loud, obnoxious, total smartass kid, one you couldn’t help but like. And believe me, I tried to help it. But you were so full of light and joy. And then I realized… that I would do anything to keep you breathin’. And to keep you laughin’, jokin’, and making puns about literal shit because that was oxygen to me. I was responsible for you. And if I stopped breathin’, then you stopped breathin’, so I had to keep you alive, because you kept me alive so I could keep you alive. And it was right at that moment that I realized I loved you, just as much as I did Sarah. You were just a kid, and then you were my kid, and I would die before I let anything take you away from me.”

 

Finally having said what he needed to, Joel looks up again and is shocked to see that Ellie is crying.

 

“Oh, babygirl,” he gasps, “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just thought you should know.” 

 

Her laughter surprises him, just like it did all those years ago. 

 

She rolls her teary eyes and sighs in exasperation. “It’s a happy cry, Joel. I promise.” 

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yes, I’m sure, old man. I just… never knew what I really meant to you. Or… maybe that’s not true. I guess I knew; I just didn’t understand. Not until JJ.” 

 

“You never can, kiddo. You can’t understand it until it's you.”

 

Ellie reaches for him, and he meets her halfway in another tight hug. 

 

“I’m really glad it’s me,” she says, her voice slightly muffled in his shirt. “I’m really glad… you gave me the chance for it to be me.”

 

Joel pulls her closer, if that’s even possible, and ruffles her hair before smoothing it out with his palm. 

 

“Me too, kid. Me too.”