Chapter Text
April 14th
Dear Ben,
I think I've written this letter a thousand times over again. But I need to. I like to imagine that I'm sending it to a friend, as if you could write me back. Tell me you're doing well and that you think you'll be able to come and visit me soon. It reminds me of when I was a kid and I used to write my letter to Santa Claus. Do you remember that? These things give you hope. It's a dream you can lock yourself in and forget the harsh reality.
I live in Juneau now. You'd like Alaska. It's very beautiful, and quite cold too. The sun hardly ever sets. Although it still doesn't manage to illuminate the darkness that is my life at the moment. I've isolated myself in a log cabin in the mountains. It's very quiet, and near a stream where I can sometimes practice my ricochets.
Finn and Poe, who live in town, are my only contact with the outside world. They come to bring me food and the rest of my groceries. Maz also comes to see me from time to time, but I don't feel like talking. I know they're terribly worried about me. But I don't know what to say. I rarely go out. I sleep most of the time. I almost feel like I'm in a vegetative state, what the First Order had wanted to do to me before. In this case, they had nothing to do with it.
I'm writing this letter on April 14th, but to be honest, I had to check what day it was. I've lost track of time. Every day looks the same and goes by so slowly that it seems endless. Sometimes I wish I could forget everything. My memories haunt me. So for weeks now, I've been writing non-stop. Trying to get my life down on paper. As if that would help. I do nothing, except let myself wither away in this cabin and cry... And then draw a line on a wall with each passing day.
Actually, since the destruction of the Black Sun, I've been sinking into a deep depression. Like a dark abyss from which I can't escape. It's been like that since... Hang on, I've got to count. The tragedy happened in November, so it's been... five months. Five months since we saved the world again. Sometimes I listen to the news. 238 dead at the Pentagon military base. I don't know if Hux is one of them. I couldn't care less about that jerk. An investigation is underway to determine exactly what happened in this minor "accident". Of course, the government has to hide the existence of the Infraworld from the public. I don't know what bullshit they'll come up with to cover up the carnage.
They leave me alone, though. After this mess and Snoke's death, the First Order was completely dismantled. But PRAD's research hasn't disappeared. You can't stop progress after all. Finn quit. So has Poe. Maz is still out there, trying to make sure Snoke's kind of recklessness doesn't flare up again. I can't tell what will happen now. Maybe the government's leaving me alone because they're too busy building a new condenser. They'll never give up their research. That's human madness for you. The thirst for knowledge and curiosity about the worlds around us. I don't know where this will lead. Honestly, that's the least of my worries.
I have to try and rebuild my life now. My life without you, Ben.
I'll be honest. I mean, I know you're aware of this, but... as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to live without you. As a child, I used to tell you I hated you. Because you made everyone around me run away. Because you drew monsters into my room at night. Because you made my parents fear me. Because you kept me from having a normal life. And that difference weighed on me throughout my entire existence.
I would've given anything for you to go away. I thought you were too hard to get rid of. That I was doomed to always feel your permanent presence by my side, hear your voice in my head, see your face in the mirrors. That our dyad was a chain that bound me to you forever. In the end, I got what I wanted. And today, I've never been so miserable in all my life.
I feel alone. Like half my soul has been ripped out. Actually, I guess it has. Until now, our souls had been connected. Nothing could possibly keep us apart. I've loved you and hated you for years. But you were part of me... And now...
I stopped writing for a minute to cry. I just poured all the tears of my body onto the paper. Fuck... I can't stop crying, when I'm not trapped in a terrible lethargy, slumped on my bed. I cry all day and all night. I feel a terrible emptiness inside me. In my chest, there's nothing but a deep crack. I lose interest in everything and have no energy left. I've been fighting the current for a long time, and now I just want to let myself get swept away by my inner storm. I can't take it anymore. When I realized you weren't coming back, it crushed me.
It's ironic... I used to dream of being rid of you. Now that I am, I think... shit... I miss you, you son of a bitch.
I'm mad at you too, you know? You never told me you were leaving. I thought nothing could ever separate us. You seemed to know a lot of things you could have told us, told me, a long time ago. Why didn't you? Why did you just go like that? Why did you abandon me, when you told me I wasn't alone? Because you were there? Was it only because the Black Sun sucked you into the Infraworld? Didn't you foresee this? You already looked resigned to leaving me...
Where are you now? Can you see me? Do you even know what a state I'm in since our bond broke for good? You said we'd meet again someday on the other side. Which side? Life or death? You haven't answered my question.
I know you want me to be happy. If you were here, you'd tell me I'm not alone. I still have my family. The one I've built through all our adventures. I have Finn and Maz and my friends. They're there for me, they support me. And I love them with all my heart. But it's not the same. And to pretend otherwise would lessen what you meant to me. They're my family. But they'll never replace my dyad. That's just the way it is.
Being alone after losing the person who was always there for me, after everything I've been through. It was thanks to you I no longer felt so alone, it's... I don't have the words. It's just... so hard without you. Actually, I realize now that I've never really known true loneliness... until now.
You were always with me, ever since I was born. You've stayed by my side and done everything to always protect me. I can't just move on! I despair when I only see my reflection in mirrors, but sometimes I feel like I can see you for a split second. Then I'll realize it was all an illusion. I jump every time a light crackles or my TV glitches. As soon as a shiver runs down my spine. I can't help wondering whether it's you trying to communicate with me from the Infraworld or whether it's just me going crazy.
Come on, I've got to go. My hand is shaking. I can't write anymore, I'm crying so hard. I'm going back to my bed to rot.
I love you so much. And I hate you for leaving me.
Rey
***
August 28th
Dear Ben,
I turned twenty-five. It took me months, very long months, to wake up from my lethargy. It hasn't even been a year since you disappeared. I'm still mourning you. But I've decided to do something about it. To fight. I know this is what you would've wanted. You didn't want me to mope around for centuries and let myself die of grief. You wanted me to be happy. So I gathered up what was left of my courage and got on with my life.
I finally woke up. I knew it was time to start over. To build a new life. Honestly, I don't regret isolating myself for so long. I had to be alone with myself. I had to get the silence around me to hear what I was feeling.
So I hit the road. First, I visited more of Alaska. I walked a lot. And I think my bond with the Infraworld hasn't entirely vanished into thin air. I sometimes feel rumblings in my belly, and I guess they come from entities that haunt certain places. Houses where strange things are happening. Spooky motel rooms where nobody wants to spend the night anymore. That kind of thing. It's everywhere. I can't see the demons anymore. But I can still feel their echoes from time to time. Of course, sometimes I wonder if it's you. It doesn't seem to be.
Anyway, you know what I mean, right? It sounds like I'll never be able to live a normal life after all I've been through. It just doesn't make sense. And do I really want to live one? To be like everyone else, with a boyfriend, physical and real, and a job that I'd like or that would piss me off? And my only concern would be counting the days until my next vacation? I've dreamed of this normality for so long, but I've come to understand that it's just not for me.
I'm not normal. I never will be. And that's fine with me.
Then I went down to Canada. I found the Lintra ranch, the twins Tallie and Kallie, their father, their horses and Jessika too. They were happy to see me. I stayed with them for a while and helped them out. They've come a long way since we met them. I didn't tell them you'd disappeared. I managed to hide my distress when they asked me if I was still "connected" to the "good demon". It's okay. The Lintras represented a quiet pause in my life, after we got rid of that entity that possessed Kallie. And yet again, they allowed me to step back and think about my life.
After Canada, I went back to Detroit. Remember that? Where I lived for months as a homeless person. And guess what? I managed to find Rose and the others. They took me in when I had nothing, when I was just a miserable tramp freezing to death on the streets. They helped me find a reason to cling to life, when all I could think of at the time was dying. They shared with me the little they had, without even knowing me or looking to judge me for the past I was trying to escape.
When they saw me, it was as if they were facing a ghost. At least, that was the impression they gave. They'd been so worried about me since my escape from the hospital. They all hugged me warmly. Paige got odd jobs here and there. Now she's a barista. Rose founded an association to help the homeless, to lend a hand to those in the same situation as they were in.
The two sisters live together in a small apartment. They fought to regain custody of little Wednesday and you know what? They succeeded. They were able to prove that they were in a stable lifestyle that was conducive to her development. Paige's daughter now lives with her mom. She's a year and a half old today. She's so cute. And she seems to remember me! She adopted me straight away, as if we'd always known each other. She couldn't stop smiling at me. I loved hugging her and taking care of her with my friends. We saved that little girl and her mother, Ben. I'll never forget it.
Rose and Paige are still in contact with the other two. Forten's still clean, thanks to us, and he's been able to go back to his studies. I'm thinking of doing the same, by the way. It was harder for DJ, but he's managed to pull through as well. Today, he doesn't drink a drop of alcohol. He keeps telling me it's all thanks to me. That I'm their angel, their miracle, who gave them hope. I like to think of that. These formerly homeless people and Tallie and her family, we helped them. And life has been good to them ever since. We were able to bring a little good into this world, Ben. I have to remember that and hold on to it.
Of course, it's not always easy for them to make ends meet. But they manage and they do pretty well. To be honest, I've never told them about my past. And they didn't ask me anything either. I didn't have to pretend everything was fine. I could be myself. They love me for who I am. And they don't mind that I'm a weird girl who feels the presence of invisible spirits.
I stayed with them for a while as well. It didn't lift my depression with a wave of a magic wand. But it was good to feel that I still had friends. A family. Even if nothing could ever give me back my dyad. I didn't lose everything.
I went to visit my mother at her grave, before refocusing again on the living. Next month, I'm going to Finn and Poe's wedding. It will be a happy time. We'll celebrate their union, a new beginning and the fact that the dark days are finally behind us. At least, let's hope so. It'll do me good too. To go out, to put on a pretty dress, to dance, to celebrate. Finn has even asked me to be his witness, and I'm really honored.
I hope you're happy, too. It's what you would have wanted. For me to be happy, even without you. Your words still haunt me. You know I'll never forget you. But you're right. I have to work on myself and move on. I'll live my life to the fullest. And one day, I'll be able to be truly happy. But I'll always have this dark stain deep inside me that will never leave me.
I will always love you, Ben.
Rey
***
Finn and Poe's wedding was a wonderful ceremony. Yet it was a very simple affair. Just a reunion of their closest family and friends at a charming little waterfront home in Vermont. It was simpler to have it here than in Juneau, since all their relatives couldn't really make the trip to Alaska. They had set up a few white tents in the garden to welcome guests. Rey had put a lot of effort into the organization, preparations and decoration. Because she was one of the groomsmen's witnesses, but also because it kept her busy. She could think of something other than the emptiness inside her. She focused on the happiness of others, and in a way, it was cathartic.
September 28th was going to be the happiest of days for her friends. That was the goal she had set herself.
"That's very sweet of you," Finn smiled at her, just before the ceremony, as she helped him put on his tie and cufflinks.
"It's the least I can do for a friend," she replied with a chuckle.
The friend stared at her for a long moment. His eyes betrayed his concern.
"And you, are you feeling better? I'm glad to see you out of your cabin, but..."
Rey's gaze darkened. She gritted her teeth and swallowed hard, then forced a smile.
"Don't worry about me. I'm fine."
"It's just that..."
"I said I'm fine. But thanks. I appreciate your caring about... what's happening to me. But right now, you're getting married. Let's focus on that today, shall we?"
With that, she kissed him on the cheek. This wedding seemed sincerely wonderful. A little trip to Heaven, far from the misery and violence of the world, which was still struggling to find peace. In any case, all that could no longer touch her. Rey had lived through so many horrors. But losing Ben was the worst thing that could ever happen to her. So now, she was no longer afraid of the future. She was already living through the worst outcome.
She had redoubled her efforts to turn into a proper wedding guest. Powdered her pallid complexion, even though she was beginning to regain her color, applied make-up to her reddened, dark-ringed eyes, put a smile on her mournful face. She looked lovely, with her brown hair curled for the occasion, falling gracefully to her shoulders, and in her pretty little purple dress with ruffles. Of course, the layer of make-up wasn't just a mask to camouflage her misery. In truth, she was finally getting back on track. Climbing out of the abyss she'd fallen into, albeit with the occasional slip. Her life was made up of ups and downs. But she was used to them by now.
Moved, Rey watched Finn, in his white suit, and Poe, in his black suit, take their vows and say 'I do' in front of the master of ceremonies, before sealing their union with a kiss. She felt genuinely happy for them and wished them all the best. They deserved it. They even made her cry, it was so touching. And this time, they were tears of joy. It had been a long time since she'd cried tears of joy.
The groomsmen and witnesses signed the register, then came the dinner, the speeches, the cake and finally the celebration in the gardens as the sun set. Rey drank a little champagne and didn't dance much. Only a few times to please Finn when he begged her to be his partner, and just a little. He wanted to help her finally come out of her shell. Music was blasting everywhere. The vast majority of guests were twirling around the dance floor, laughing out loud. A truly magical evening.
As the night wore on, Rey sat back in her chair, champagne glass in hand. She contemplated the happiness around her and smiled faintly. Shortly afterwards, Maz joined her, hugged her and sat down beside her. She looked twenty years younger, her pretty red dress giving her an imperial air. At first, the two women chatted, made a few light-hearted comments about the party and laughed together. Then, Maz leaned over to tuck one of her protégée's brown locks behind her ear and asked:
"Why don't you go and have some fun with the others, my princess?"
Distracted, her princess shrugged and smiled briefly.
"I'd rather stay here for now. My feet are a bit sore from these shoes and then... I'm tired."
A silence followed. Her mother figure's dark eyes seemed to be probing her. Maz bit her lip, uncomfortable.
"He... He still hasn't come back," she concluded sadly after a short hesitation. "Has he?"
Immediately, Rey tensed, jaws clenched, and lowered her head. She clutched her champagne glass tightly in her hands. Her nose stung.
"I... I don't feel like talking about this, Maz. This isn't the time."
"You know, I'm not giving up the research," the scientist explained. "I'm sure we can manage to find him. Your bond couldn't have just been broken like that. There's a lot we don't know about dyads. I think..."
"It's over," the young woman interrupted, emotion in her voice. "He's not coming back, Maz. I know you want to help me. But there's nothing you can do. He's gone. I have to accept that and move on now."
Finn and Maz were still worried about her, they knew her well. They were glad to see her finally opening up to others again, but also saw that she closed up as soon as the B topic came up. She still found it hard to talk about. She hadn't even told them everything about the true nature of their relationship. They talked about trying to consult a specialist. Which one, exactly? Could she talk about her dyad? The demon she loved, who she'd grown up with and who was now gone forever? Even people in the know couldn't fully understand what she was feeling. She herself struggled to understand it all. It was... so sudden. She hadn't even had time to prepare for it even a little.
"Okay," Maz said in a very gentle voice. "I'll leave you alone. Please don't hesitate to come and talk to me if you ever feel the need. I'll always be here for you. And Finn too."
Rey smiled again and nodded.
"I know."
Maybe one day she'd manage to fully confide in those she loved and who supported her. She reminded herself of the person she was at the beginning of the year and thought how far she'd come since then. For example, she had stopped counting the days since Ben's disappearance by drawing lines on a wall in her cottage. She still hadn't reached the top of her personal abyss. But today, she was confident she would. One day. Rey took a deep breath and turned her attention back to the party. She was feeling vaguely lonely at the moment.
The music. The laughter. The disco ball. The dancing. A presence behind her. Nostalgically, she recalled one of the very first real parties she'd ever attended. Kaydel's terrible birthday... A cute boy, his face hiding the actual scum he was, had invited her to slow dance and Ben had been dead jealous at the time. Rey stifled a little laugh. She wondered what her beloved demon, or rather, half-blood, would say about the party tonight.
"You would've liked to dance with me," she spoke softly, as if Ben could hear her, wherever he was. "Right, Ben? If you were still here..."
Then a large hand rested gently on her shoulder. She shuddered at the contact, stunned. Yet her surprise increased tenfold when a familiar voice replied:
"But I'm still here."
***
Was his fragmented soul doomed to wander in an eternal nothingness? Old memories continued to flood into his mind. These memories nagged at him so much that he preferred to sink forever into this mist of oblivion. To no longer exist, to no longer suffer. He let himself be carried along by the current of this groundswell, a wave that chilled his bones. He felt like he was in a trance, disconnected from everything, barely aware of his surroundings. Would he be alone here forever? Sensations were gradually beginning to tingle. He winced.
Smells. Foul smells. Noise. Then, light. A bright, blinding light. He blinked. It took him a long time to regain his full perception. When his eyes finally adjusted to the new light, and his vision became clear, he sat up and looked around. A gray, bleak landscape. Dust everywhere. Mountains. Mountains of garbage. He gradually realized that he was in a dump. But what shocked him most was the sensory whirlwind that overcame him.
Slowly, he lowered his eyes and realized he was imprisoned in a body. He looked at his trembling limbs, his hands, their backs, their palms, and their fingers. His skin and hair, black hair, were still steaming. He struggled to determine what he was doing here, in this dump, in this body. He couldn't remember possessing anyone recently. Anyway, he wasn't wearing any clothes at all. Only grayish dust partially covered his diaphanous, naked skin. A breeze blew and he shivered, wrapping his arms around himself. He was cold. For the very first time.
After a while, he finally decided to get up. It took him several minutes to get used to his new body and to walk. His legs were so wobbly that he felt like a toddler taking his first steps. The muscles of his face and body remained numb. It was as if he'd been asleep for months. Ben had once been an expert at possessing human beings. He knew the intricate and peculiar workings of their organisms. But this body seemed... new. Which made it harder to control and lead.
He stumbled once or twice as he tried to walk to the nearest garbage heap, but persevered. He rummaged among the trash. For some reason, his top priority was to find something to cover himself with. For he was feeling very conscious of being naked. He found some ragged clothes that someone had obviously wanted to get rid of. This would be enough for him. He put on an old pair of pants with holes in them and a slightly torn sweater, and, after he looked hard enough, was even able to get hold of a pair of worn-out sneakers with a hole in them that showed off his left big toe. It was unpleasant to feel them on his sensitive skin. But no matter, he wasn't as cold anymore.
So he came across a broken mirror, half-covered with dirt. And on one shard, he managed to make out a confused-looking young man staring back at him. Within seconds, he realized it was him. Or rather, him in his host. Yet his eyes weren't white, rolling back in their sockets as usual. Instead, they were amber and frightened. He frowned and bent over the mirror shard. His hands gradually touched his face.
Was it really his face? His own face?
Thick black hair, angular, oblong face, crooked chin, narrow jaw, full lips, long nose, hollow cheeks, prominent cheekbones, strong brow bone... This? Him? Honestly, he'd never known what he looked like. His only clue was the drawings Rey had made of him since she could hold a pencil. And it looked a lot like the reflection that shard was sending back to...
Rey. The memory washed over him like a tidal wave. He remembered who he was. Where he'd come from. Rey, his human, his love, the one who had given him the name "Ben", the one he had left forever on the day of the “Black Sun”. He'd thought he'd disappeared and wandered in eternal loneliness in the cursed bowels of the Infraworld. Yet here he was, back on Earth. In a body. In his own body.
"Rey!"
His first instinct was to call her. Ben began to run across the dump despite his still wobbly legs, as if in the hope of finding his beloved at the crossroads of two mountains of garbage. Then he stopped. No. Rey couldn't be here. But where was she, then? And where exactly was he? Why had he taken shape in this exact spot? He should have reappeared next to his human!
In his chest, he could feel his heart beating wildly. He had one. At last. His own. Just like he'd always dreamed of. The young man decided to leave the dump and head toward the first trace of human civilization he could find. Hopefully, he would be on Earth with the other living beings who occupied it, and not alone in another dimension. He was reassured to discover some dwellings nearby. A city. Wasn't this Washington? It looked like Washington. Passers-by on the sidewalks stared at him before ignoring him. No doubt they thought he was homeless in his rags. Ben didn't care, he was happy to be among humans again.
As he passed a newsstand, he confirmed by looking at the papers that he had indeed landed in Washington. The last place he'd been with Rey before they were separated. That moment was now many months ago, almost eight, exactly, for the date indicated August 1st. It was summer. It was Rey's birthday. And Ben's, in a way. Yes. Perhaps there was some logic in his reappearing on that very date, come to think of it. The demon had just been born a second time. As a human.
"Hey, bum! If you're not buying anything, let go of my papers and get out of here!"
Ben gasped as the salesman touched him to call him out. He wasn't shocked by the dry tone, no. He was shocked not to be expelled from his body at that touch. Yet he was used to never being able to interact physically with others when he possessed a host. This confirmed to him that he was real. Human. People saw him and didn't expel him from the body by touching him. His heart beat faster. He had to find Rey!
But there was no way of knowing where she'd gone. She'd had no permanent address the last time they'd seen each other. And Ben didn't know where Maz and Finn lived, since he'd only ever seen them at the PRAD labs before Rey left for the First Order training camp. He wandered around the city all day. Apparently, the Pentagon military base containing the Black Sun had since been closed. And according to the news broadcast on the subway screens, there had been a mysterious tragedy resulting in the death of over two hundred people and the dissolution of the First Order. To this day, the investigation was still ongoing.
No more First Order? Rey was free, then. Perfect. Ben was delighted that this damn agency had finally been burned to the ground. It deserved this fate after all it had put them through to exploit their dyad. He thought his beloved must be happy to be free at last. Or maybe she didn't even realize it, still devastated after the day of the Black Sun. Ben remembered her panic and tears when he'd said goodbye. It had broken his heart as much as hers. Damn it, he had to find her! He had to tell her he was back!
But where was she?
The young man roamed for a long time among the city's famous monuments. Sometimes he was chased away. He didn't dare question passers-by at random, in case one of them might be able to give him some information. This city was huge. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack. Maybe it wasn't even the right haystack. Rey had probably left the city by now, to get as far away as possible from anything that reminded her of the First Order.
Had she returned to Canada, to the Lintras' ranch? She felt right at home there. Or perhaps she'd also gone to see Rose and the other former homeless who'd taken her under their wing in Detroit. Were they still there? Ben convinced himself that if he found them, he'd find a trail that would lead him to Rey. It would be a long road. Washington to Detroit... It would take him days of walking.
Especially since he wasn't feeling well that evening. He was... tired. His body was getting tired. He needed to sleep. He now had the same basic needs as humans. Another need manifested itself when his belly emitted strange gurgling sounds. Ben realized after a moment's thought that he was hungry. The same hunger that had so tortured Rey when she was homeless. He had to learn to feed himself, to take care of this new body. Now that he was human, entirely human, he had become terribly fragile.
The first night, Ben slept in a corner, on a park bench, on an empty stomach. He dreamed of his beloved and of finding her again to forget his hunger. The next day was more unbearable. The young man went in search of something to eat before setting off. But what on earth could he eat? Humans demanded money in exchange for food. Did he have to beg as well?
Suddenly, as he walked down the street, Ben's eyes fell on an ATM. Of course! That's where there was money. He first made sure no one was looking in his direction before staring intently at the machine and... nothing. He tried again. Still nothing. He felt nothing. Not the slightest energy flowing through him. It was as if his psychokinetic powers had suddenly evaporated. After many unsuccessful attempts, the unfortunate man faced up to the appalling evidence.
By becoming human, he had lost all his powers.
Admittedly, in another context, the former demon would have relativized. This loss was a necessary sacrifice, one he would be willing to accept, in order to be with his dyad. To really be with her. But how could he find her without powers? He'd never make it to Detroit or Canada if his body wasn't fit, wasn’t strong and resilient enough. To do that, he had to eat, and to eat, he needed money, but he no longer had the powers to get it easily. Damn.
So Ben tried to steal. He knew what Rey had gone through in the past, and he guessed that without him to help her, she would have suffered even more. Now he was alone, on his own and powerless. But he didn't have time to beg. He was caught shoplifting several times and caught by the police as he tried to flee. It was assumed that he was simply homeless. He said he had to find a friend, but he didn't know any number on which to reach her.
"And what's your name?" he was asked.
"Ben."
"Ben who?"
Darn. He didn't have a last name. Did it matter? Unsure, Ben decided to make one up. He looked down and noticed the mark on the lid of the questioner's coffee. "SOLO."
"Ben... Ben Solo."
And so the poor man was sentenced to two months in prison for these thefts. He bitterly regretted the loss of his powers. If he were still a demon, these humans would have paid for treating him this way. At least, in prison, he could eat. Although the food was disgusting, Ben marveled at the simple act of eating. He'd never eaten anything before. He also overheard other previously homeless inmates say they'd rather have room and board behind bars than starve to death on the streets.
Despite his human appearance, to which Ben was gradually becoming accustomed, he seemed to have kept a demonic aura, as no one dared to come and bother him, not even the toughest bullies among his fellow delinquents. He was undoubtedly frightening with his tall, imposing build and dark eyes. He didn't talk much, just waited for his sentence to be over. He didn't get angry. He suspected that to do otherwise would serve no purpose other than to aggravate his case.
He also knew he'd find Rey again sooner or later. She wouldn't fly away. Ben clung to that hope, and it kept him going. His beloved had made him human. He no longer had to resort to violence whenever something displeased him, one of his old demon habits. He was honoring Rey by softening in this way. He hoped she was okay. Perhaps she'd recovered after eight long months apart. But she couldn't have forgotten him.
Thanks to his good behavior, Ben had been released two weeks earlier, after a month and a half in detention. Then, at last, he set off for Detroit, orienting himself as best he could with the signs and directions of those he questioned and who were willing to answer. He slept under bridges, drank rainwater or river water and ate what he could find in the garbage, or not at all. At least, thanks to his time in prison, he'd regained some of his strength and gotten used to his body. In his cell, he’d even practiced building it up or stretching it out by doing exercises, just as he'd seen Rey do during his military training.
Anyway... He was strong and resilient enough to finally reach Detroit, although he arrived exhausted and hungry. Good. Now what? How would he find Rose and the others here? Would he be better off crossing the Detroit River directly into Canada? Shoot, he'd never be able to smuggle himself into the territory so easily, now that any other human could see him. He often missed his demon invisibility terribly.
So Ben decided to start with the overpass. He knew he wouldn't find Rey's friends, who hadn't been homeless the last time he'd seen them, when they'd come to see her in hospital. He just wanted to travel back in time and reminisce. There were no longer any homeless sleeping under the bridge, but a few things remained. Ben then went to see the burnt-out old house where he and Rey had helped Paige give birth. He sat down among the ruins, leaned against a wall and finally fell asleep, beset by distant memories.
Rey... Where are you?
In the morning, someone woke him up. Someone who asked him in a kind voice how he felt and if he could move. Ben opened his eyes and blinked. Gradually, he made out the slightly doll-like face of the little woman crouching in front of him. Rounded cheeks, olive complexion, slanting eyes, raven hair parted into two little buns... Suddenly, his breath stopped. He recognized her, despite her clean, new clothes.
"Rose?"
"You know who I am?" Rose gasped.
Of course he did! He had a billion questions to ask her, so relieved to have found her. Did she know where Rey was? Had Rose been doing well since that homeless shelter had taken her in over a year ago? How was her sister? And the baby? Had they been able to get the baby back? But then Ben realized that Rose would think he was crazy if he told her he was the demon Rey had been tethered to so far. If he told her everything he knew about her. She'd be afraid of him, something he'd rather avoid. What to say, then?
"Have other homeless people told you about me? About the shelter?"
"Uh... Yes," Ben said simply. "I need your help. I..."
She smiled at him, stood up straight and held out her hand.
"Come with me.
Today, Rose was actively helping the homeless get out of their misery, having founded an association and working for a shelter. A shelter into which Ben, thought to be a homeless man, was welcomed. And for the first time since he'd been human, he truly felt he was considered as such. He was spoken to as a person. They didn't look down on him for being a delinquent, or for being suspicious with his rags and his dark look. He was offered clean clothes, donations made to the association, a shower, a good hot meal and a bed for the night.
It took him a while to regain his strength and rest from his long journey. As soon as he looked better, despite the dark circles still under his eyes and his face emaciated by hunger, Ben was ready to ask Rose some questions. She came to talk to him, comfort him, make sure he was feeling well, and ask him about his past. He remained vague until she asked if he had any family or friends.
"You... You know Rey?" he inquired, his eyes pleading. "Rey Johnson."
Intrigued, Rose raised an eyebrow.
"Rey... Do you know her?"
The woman seemed at once to understand who he was talking about. Ben, both relieved and desperate, nodded briskly, breathless.
"I'm her friend. I've been looking for her everywhere for a while now. And I know she must be looking for me too. Do you know where she is?"
"Oh, yes. It's silly, but she was here last month. You just missed her... But I might be able to help you get in touch with her."
"Where does she live?" Ben hastened to ask.
With a sigh, Rose took out her phone. Actually, the former demon suspected she'd want to check with Rey first before telling him more about her. She wasn't going to give her friend's address to just anyone. No matter. All she had to do was let him talk to her... Ben's heart raced in his chest. His throat went dry.
"Alaska," Rose replied. "But wait for me here, okay? I'll call her."
Alaska? Wasn't that way up north, over Canada? Ben turned pale. Damn, this was way too far. He watched as Rose isolated herself in the hallway, outside the room, to talk to Rey. The young man got up and decided to eavesdrop. He had missed his beloved's voice so much. He was desperate to hear it.
"A homeless man who knows me? What did you say his name was again?"
Rey. Her voice was faint from the receiver, but since Rose was close enough to the door, if he pricked up his ear, he could make out what she was saying. His breath hitched.
"Ben Solo."
"...olo?"
"Solo."
"Sorry, I can't hear y... ...ry well," Rey replied. "I'm in the car. Can... call you back tomorrow?"
"Oh, sorry, am I calling too early?" Rose apologized before consulting her watch. "What time is it at your place?"
"No, don't worry. Right now, I... in Vermont for... friend's wedding."
Vermont? Ben pursed his lips and clenched his fists. She was a lot closer than he'd thought. Perfect.
"Ah, that's right, you told me about it. Wasn't that the one by the water?"
"Yes, at the Yavin estate. I've... photos and... very pretty. I'll send... if you like."
"That's sweet. So, yeah, I guess with this wedding, you're pretty busy right now..."
"What? ...use me, it... cutting out."
"I'll call you tomorrow. Bye!"
"Bye! Kiss Paige and Wednesday f... me."
"Will do. Call you tomorrow!"
Paige and Wednesday? Ben thought. So mother and child had been reunited. The young man heaved a relieved sigh. He was happy for them. In other circumstances, he would have liked to see them again. Perhaps he could after he'd found Rey. Yavin. Vermont. It was easy to remember. He stepped back a little before Rose came in, so she wouldn't know he'd been listening to her call. She informed him that Rey was busy at the moment and that the line was bad. Ben just shrugged and said he had to go to the bathroom.
Ten minutes later, he was on the streets of Detroit. The former demon was a little angry at himself for leaving like a thief in the night after this shelter had taken him in. He hadn't even had time to thank Rose for what she'd done for him. But he absolutely had to find his other half! And for that, he had a plan. Ben was no fool, he knew this world and how it worked. He found a public computer in a library and looked up the exact address of the Yavin estate in Vermont. He noted the route on a map he'd managed to steal before, without getting caught this time. Then he set off again.
Of course, he could have asked Rose for help with this too. But she might have found his insistence suspicious, especially on discovering that he'd been eavesdropping, and refused to help. To protect her friend Rey from a potential stalker freak. Which made sense. Ben understood that. So he'd decided to go on his own. But he didn't know if he'd make it to Vermont on foot before Rey headed back to Alaska. After all, she was only there for a wedding. It would be foolish to miss such an opportunity to see her again. He should have asked Rose to give him the phone earlier. On the other hand, it was getting a bit of a bad reception, she said.
Walking along busy roads in the hope of being picked up hitchhiking, Ben made his way as best he could using the itinerary on his map. During the journey, he thought about Rey again. She hadn't seemed unhappy earlier, at the other end of the phone. She was doing well. She was even heading off to a wedding, probably Finn and Poe's. Ben began to worry about how she might react once she saw him, provided he found her in time. He didn't know why, but he was afraid. Afraid she'd reject him. Afraid she'd resent him. Afraid she'd tell him she'd moved on and didn't need him anymore.
After several hours of walking and sticking his thumb out at every passing vehicle, to no avail, his luck finally seemed to change. A truck stopped and beckoned him to get in. He no longer looked homeless in his new clothes, let alone mentally deranged. That was why nobody had given him a strange stare in the library earlier. And why this nice trucker agreed to give him a ride. He broke his usual silence and thanked her. She was going to Vermont, too, but they'd probably get there pretty late in the evening. No matter. It was better than nothing.
To be honest, Ben didn't really believe in luck. It had to be the Force that had placed Rose and then this truck in his path to lead him to his dyad. This had to be it. Fate. Because their bond hadn't been entirely broken. It was probably this that had brought him back to Earth after the Black Sun had absorbed him, for that matter. Actually, the former demon had had plenty of time in prison to ponder the reason for his return to the human world, now as one of them. He had a few theories, but nothing concrete. Maybe PRAD could come up with more suggestions, if it still existed, but Ben refused to set foot in their place again. He'd never be their little lab rat again.
To think they'd started exploiting him and Rey when they were just children...
As the trucker had predicted, it was pitch-dark when they arrived in Vermont, not far from the Yavin estate according to the vehicle's GPS. The woman set Ben down on the side of the road and wished him good luck in finding his girlfriend. They had chatted a bit en route, although the hitchhiker preferred to keep quiet most of the time. This trucker was a real chatterbox, harassing him with questions! No wonder she'd agreed to help him out; she needed a fellow traveler to talk to. Anyway...
It took a while to find the small Yavin estate, on the banks of a river. By the time he was less than a half-mile from his destination, Ben thought he could hear music and laughter in the distance. Heart pounding, he quickened his pace. Most of the lights in the mansion were out, but the excitement seemed to be coming from the gardens. The young man approached cautiously. He saw guests, well-dressed for a wedding, laughing, drinking and dancing under tents that had been set up. He gradually recognized Finn... Yes, it was him. He was kissing Poe. And there, on a chair in the corner, wasn't that Maz? Talking with... a brunette in a purple dress...
Rey.
Ben didn't need to see her face to be sure. He could feel it. He held his breath and moved towards her. First, he waited for Maz to leave. Then, hesitating, he closed the distance between himself and his dyad. Slowly. Very slowly. His blood pounded against his temples. A flush of heat seized his chest. Anxiety, mixed with feverishness, compressed his lungs. His forehead was beaded with sweat. His hands trembled. His legs wobbled, as they had when he took his first steps in this body. At last, it was time. He stood behind her and began to gather his courage, searching for the best way to approach her.
"You would've liked to dance with me," Rey said suddenly, oh so softly. "Right, Ben?"
At these words, Ben froze. Did she know he was standing right there? Had she sensed his presence too? He swallowed and clenched his jaws. She didn't seem surprised. More like melancholy. She concluded with sorrow:
"If you were still here..."
No. She didn't even know he was there. But perhaps she had unconsciously felt it, without realizing it. A tender smile played across Ben's lips. He had to resist the urge to take her in his arms and never let go. He'd missed her too. Gently, he placed his large hand on her shoulder. She shuddered at the touch and stiffened. He whispered to her:
"But I'm still here."
At once, Rey gasped and raised her sad eyes to him. The pretty hazel eyes he'd dreamed of every night since he was human, and even before when his soul wandered the depths of the Infraworld awaiting judgment. Her eyes widened when she saw him, when she recognized him. Eyes, which the unfortunate woman surely mistrusted. She must have assumed he was a hallucination, because she rubbed them, blinked, and looked at him again. Her eyesight didn't seem to be playing tricks on her. Then she understood.
"Ben."
In shock, she dropped her champagne glass, which shattered at her feet. But she didn't care. Ben smiled at her, as tenderly as ever, and held out his hand.
"So, do you want to dance?"
At first, Rey remained incredulous, disconcerted and dumbfounded. Her face contorted in surprise. Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes, sparkling there like diamonds. Then, when she seemed to come to, she raised a trembling hand to take his. Less to accept the invitation than to make sure it was tangible. Real. Their palms joined, and then the young woman felt an electric stream running beneath her skin, setting her blood ablaze, spreading throughout her whole body, making her heart beat again, filling in the fragments of her shattered soul. She let Ben help her to her feet and guide her away into the gardens.
"You've come back..."
A whisper, almost drowned out by the loud music still reaching their ears. No guest seemed to be paying them any attention. Here they were in a bubble, their bubble, a world that had once belonged to them alone. Rey could hardly believe it. Yet it felt so real. She pinched herself several times and the pain shot through her arms. No. It couldn't be. Ben had disappeared forever.
Yet there he was, standing in front of her. As a real human. As she knew him, but without his demon marks. She reached out and cupped his cheek. He flinched, still looking at her in that very special way of his. With tenderness, devotion, compassion, love. Rey shook her head. She caressed his cheek, then ran her fingers through his ebony hair. Emotion swept over her like a tidal wave. Her lips pursed, as if she could hold back the powerful flood. Her chin trembled. She sniffed.
"Ben... Is this a dream?"
He stifled a small laugh. A sparkle gleamed in his amber eyes.
"Would you like it to be?"
Again, Rey shook her head.
"No."
No sooner had she said the words than she took hold of his face, crossed the distance between them and, in infinite delicacy, placed her lips on his. She needed to kiss him. Only to make sure she wasn't dreaming. He shivered, moaned and soon cupped her cheeks to kiss her back. He opened his mouth and welcomed her tongue with great pleasure. It was very gentle. Cautious. As if they were taming each other again. Seeking to recognize each other.
Their senses were in perfect osmosis, they picked up the pace slightly. A familiar ardor, the wild passion of two lovers reunited at last after such a long separation, they deepened the kiss. They pressed harder against each other, clinging to the reality of their reunion, of their dyad, of the two of them. The reality in which they completed each other and formed a whole. Ben and Rey soon fell into a fabulous apnoea, pulling apart only slightly to catch their breath before drowning.
Nothing existed around them at that moment but the beating of their hearts and the constant collision of their lips. The former demon, now human, finally felt truly alive. While his beloved felt completely revived, after so many months of suffering and mourning. Until they finally broke the kiss to breathe deeply again, their foreheads pressed together, their hands clasped. The two halves of the dyad seemed to have come together at last. And they felt intimately connected. After a long silence, Ben gently stroked Rey's hair, admiring her curly coiffure, and laughed softly.
"Your hair has grown nicely."
Her complexion flushed, she exhaled from her nose as she smiled and bit her lip, overjoyed at the return of the one she loved. The one she thought she'd lost forever. Here he was. He was still here. It didn't matter why or even how. It wasn't important. Tears rolled down her powdered cheeks. This time, she was sure. She wasn't dreaming. Or if it was truly a dream, she wished never to leave it.
"I miss you in my head," she sighed.
Ben laughed again. Then the two lovers, finally together, kissed again.