Work Text:
I’m Just a Teenage Dirtbag, Baby.
Date One:
World’s Best Dad to Harry Potter-Stark: You’re not home.
World’s Best Dad: Why aren’t you home?
World’s Best Dad: I like it when you’re home.
World’s Best Dad: It’s not home when you’re not here.
Harry: I’m at a thing.
Harry: I’m busy.
World’s Best Dad: Oooh, a thing, huh?
World’s Best Dad added World’s Best Godfather to the chat.
World’s Best Dad: Babe, Harry’s at a ‘thing’.
World’s Best Godfather: Ooh, a date thing?
Harry: Quit changing your names in my phone, prats.
Harry: I’m at a thing Gwen is forcing me to do.
Harry: It’s embarrassing.
World’s Best Godfather: Is it a date?
World’s Best Dad: Harry doesn’t date.
Harry: It’s a date.
World’s Best Godfather: OOH! Who is it?
World’s Best Dad: WHAT?!
World’s Best Dad: Oh she’s so fired.
World’s Best Dad: Babe, remind me to fire Gwen Stacey from the Stark Internship.
Harry: God do you ever shut up?
World’s Best Godfather: No
World’s Best Dad: No
Harry: Gotta go, she’s here.
World’s Best Dad: She?
World’s Best Godfather: She?
Tony Stark to Gwen Stacy: Hello, my favorite intern.
Tony: Did you set my son up on a date?
Gwen: Yes, sir.
Tony: Cool.
Tony: Cool.
Tony: Why?
Gwen: Because he’s been at Midtown for a year now and he’s not branching out any. It is seriously crashing on my time for dating.
Gwen: If Harry starts dating, I don’t have to talk quidditch and chemistry every Friday night.
Gwen: So, yes. Date.
Tony: Ah. Okay.
Tony: Follow up question:
Tony: You know the kid is gay, right?
Gwen: I’m aware, yes.
Tony: And you set him up with a girl?
Gwen: I did.
Tony: Follow up question again:
Tony: Why??
Gwen: Harry didn’t want to date anyone, so if I send him on a few bad dates then he’ll be so relieved to be on a good date eventually and he’ll actually give it a shot.
Tony: You’re my favorite intern ever.
Gwen: I’m aware, sir. Goodbye.
Harry Stark to Sirius Black-Stark: SOS.
Sirius: What’s wrong?
Harry: This girl kissed me.
Harry: With tongue.
Harry: I’m so traumatized.
Harry: My life is over.
Sirius: Merlin, but you’re dramatic.
Sirius: Why’d you agree to go out with a girl anyway?
Harry: It was a ‘blind date’.
Harry: But now I’m blinded by trauma.
Sirius: Hysterical.
Sirius: Where’d you take her?
Harry: Gwen set it up.
Harry: We met at Blondie’s Brookies.
Sirius: Where that kid from your school works? The one with the skateboard that you said was ‘bloody weird’?
Harry: Yeah. And he saw me get assaulted by this girl and did nothing.
Harry: These hoes ain’t loyal.
Harry Stark to Gwen Stacy: I can never look Brittany in the eyes again.
Gwen: That good?
Harry: That bad.
Harry: I lived in a closet for ten years and this is the most traumatic thing I’ve ever experienced.
Gwen: Aww, poor Harry.
Gwen: I’d feel so bad for you if it weren’t for your magic.
Gwen: And your rich dad.
Gwen: And your hot stepdad.
Gwen: And the penthouse you live in.
Gwen: And the brand new car you drive.
Harry: I get it.
Gwen: And the unlimited credit card in your wallet.
Harry: I hate you.
Gwen: You don’t.
Gwen: Get some sleep, you’ll need it.
Harry: What does that mean?
Harry: Gwen?
Harry: God, I really hate you.
Gwen: 🤷
Date Two:
Natasha Romanov to Harry Stark: So we’re not training today?
Harry: I’m training.
Harry: I’m seeing how much torture I can withstand before I die.
Harry: It’s been two minutes and I’m ready to beg for the sweet release of death.
Natasha: You’re as dramatic as your dad.
Natasha: What are you doing?
Harry: I’m on a date.
Natasha: Ew. 🤢
Natasha: Romance gives me hives.
Harry: How’s Pepper, by the way?
Natasha: Anyway, what’s your date like?
Harry: Tall, blonde, chatty.
Natasha: Nice.
Harry: Boobs bigger than her brain.
Natasha: Aren’t you all Team Rainbow?
Natasha: Or was that a different Pride Poster Boy that I’m thinking of?
Harry: I’m bisexual. Like my dad.
Natasha: You’re gay.
Natasha: Like your dad.
Harry: The fact that I’m alive is proof he’s bisexual.
Natasha: It was a threesome. I’m convinced Tony only dealt with the vagina to get to the dick.
Harry: Thanks.
Harry: I was already feeling nauseous and now I’m truly going to puke on this girl.
Natasha: Happy to help.
Natasha: Let me know if you want me to come crash the date.
Harry: Would you do that?
Natasha: I’ll even bring guns.
Harry: I’ll keep that in mind, thanks.
Harry Stark to Tony Stark: Dad
Harry: Am
Harry: I
Harry: Gay?
Tony: Y
Tony: E
Tony: S
Harry: So can I tell Ashley that I’m not going to call again based on her anatomy instead of her god awful personality?
Tony: I love you more and more every day.
Tony: Tell her you’re gay.
Harry Stark to the Dad Chat: Help.
Harry: I told blonde, booby, and boring that I’m gay and guess what?
Harry: She wants to go shopping together.
Sirius: Shopping is fun.
Tony: Shopping is very fun.
Harry: Quit being stereotypes for one second.
Harry: Ashley has spent thirty minutes talking about clothes and I’m so bored.
Harry: Peter has taken pity on me and brought me a brookie.
Harry: I offered Ashley a bite, to be polite, and she said she’s watching her weight.
Harry: She’s so skinny already.
Sirius: Is Peter there again?
Tony: And he’s bringing you brookies?
Harry: That was so not the point.
Sirius: Mm…
Tony: Mm…
Harry: Piss off.
Harry Stark to Gwen Stacy: No more dates.
Gwen: We’ll see.
Harry: I mean it.
Gwen: We’ll see.
Harry: God. Why do I even call you a friend?
Gwen: Because I remind you of Hermione and you’re such a sentimental person.
Harry: Hermione would never put me through this horror.
Gwen Stacy added Hermione Granger to group chat.
Gwen: Hello, gorgeous.
Gwen: Harry says that you would never set him up on blind dates.
Gwen: Thoughts?
Hermione: The fact that the two of you are arguing about this is because Harry needs a boyfriend and Gwen needs a life.
Harry: Gwen set me up with two girls.
Gwen: So far.
Hermione: Oh.
Hermione: Gwen, set him up with some cute boys.
Hermione: And then send me your report on the new genome map you did at S.I.
Gwen: Will do.
Harry: Hate you both.
Harry Stark to Peter Parker: Venmo for $20
Peter: Uh…?
Harry: I was just paying you back for the brookie earlier.
Harry: It’s Harry, by the way.
Peter: Oh, hey.
Peter: I told you that it was on the house.
Peter: Which means ‘free’ in American.
Harry: But you wrote your number on the napkin?
Harry: I thought you were just being nice and wanted me to pay you back?
Peter: No, I wanted you to text me.
Harry: Oh.
Harry: Okay.
Harry: Hi.
Peter: Lol. Hi.
Peter: How’d your date with Ashley go?
Harry: God. So bad.
Harry: She made me gay.
Peter: Really?
Peter: Don’t let the media hear you say that, us gays are just now convincing them that we were born this way.
Harry: I have to help my dad cook dinner.
Harry: Bye.
Date Three:
Peter Parker to Harry Stark: I didn’t peg you for a jock kind of guy.
Harry: ?
Peter: Your date? Marcus? He’s a total jock.
Harry: I don’t… I don’t really know what that means?
Harry: He plays sports?
Harry: I play sports.
Peter: He’s a meathead jock- all muscles, no brain.
Peter: What sport do you play?
Harry: Quidditch.
Harry: And Marcus seems nice.
Harry: Quit snooping on my date. 😂
Peter: Google has failed me.
Peter: What’s quidditch?
Peter: Also, Marcus and I went to Kindergarten together, he’s a bed wetter.
Harry: videoattachment.mov
Harry: That’s quidditch.
Peter: Enhanced human.
Peter: I totally forgot because you look so normal.
Harry: Wow.
Harry: I’m flattered?
Peter: WAIT
Peter: Not what I meant.
Peter: I meant to say: wow, flying looks cool, sure wish I could do that.
Harry: Gotta go.
Harry: Byeeee. ✌️
Harry Stark to Marcus Jones: Hey I had a good time today. Do you want to grab coffee after school tomorrow?
Marcus: I’ve got football tomorrow
Marcus: You can come to my place after practice.
Marcus: It’s a nice place, and I’ll be home alone.
Harry Stark to Sirius Black-Stark: SOS.
Harry: Marcus wants me to go to his place tomorrow night.
Harry: I need to tell him ‘sorry, my stepdad/godfather said no’.
Sirius: I don’t mind.
Sirius: You’re seventeen, go have fun.
Harry Stark to Tony Stark: SOS.
Harry: Marcus wants me to go to his place tomorrow night.
Harry: I need to tell him ‘sorry the father I didn’t know I had until I was nearly fifteen said no’.
Tony: Absolutely not.
Tony: Have I given you the talk yet?
Tony: I should do that.
Harry: Clint gave it to me last year.
Harry: I’m still traumatized.
Harry Stark to Marcus Jones: I wish I could, but my dad said no, I’m sorry.
Marcus: K
Gwen Stacy to Harry Stark: Hi!
Gwen: Brookies after school Friday?
Harry: That sounds a lot like you trying to set me up on another date.
Harry: But I think I’m seeing Marcus.
Gwen: About that…
Gwen: screenshot.jpg
Harry: Oh.
Gwen: Marcus is a man whore.
Gwen: You can do better anyway.
Gwen: Ooh! I know exactly who your soulmate is!!
Harry Stark to Peter Parker: Do you work Friday?
Peter: Unfortunately. I can call off though?
Harry: Why?
Peter: …
Peter: Why were you asking?
Harry: My friend is setting me up with another ‘blind date’ Friday.
Harry: I didn’t despise you giving me the dirt on my last date.
Peter: Didn’t hate it, huh?
Peter: Why are you letting Gwen set you up on these shitty dates anyway?
Harry: Who said Gwen is doing anything?
Peter: I’ve known Gwen since we were kids.
Peter: I just don’t get why she’s hooking you up with the bottom of the teenage barrel.
Harry: Oi! Marcus is cute
Peter: I saw Marcus with his tongue down some dudes throat on insta.
Peter: You could do better.
Harry: I dunno.
Harry: It’s hard to date.
Harry: Aside from the whole ‘enhanced human’ thing, people see me as Tony Stark’s son and I dunno…
Harry: With ‘blind dates’ it means that Gwen just described me and someone wanted to show up even before they knew who I was.
Peter: I did say sorry about the enhanced human thing, right?
Peter: Because I’m sorry.
Peter: I, personally, tend to like enhanced humans.
Peter: Also here’s how to sift out the gold diggers; make them pay.
Peter: Quit paying every time.
Harry: But I like to pay?
Harry: It’s polite.
Peter: I’m telling you- next date, don’t hurry up and pay like you usually do. See if they offer. If they do, great. If not, golddddd digger.
Harry: Lol okay
Harry: See you Friday then
Date Four:
Peter Parker to Harry Stark: That was painful to watch.
Harry: YOU TOLD ME TO SEE IF HE WOULD PAY!
Peter: You guys just stood there!
Peter: I thought the zombie apocalypse would start before one of you paid.
Peter: God.
Peter: The second hand embarrassment has given me hives.
Harry: Piss off.
Harry: It was more painful to stand there.
Harry: But he paid, so that’s good, right?
Harry: Right?
Peter: Look at his feet.
Peter: Look at how they’re pointed.
Harry: Uh…?
Peter: They’re pointed toward the door.
Peter: https://www.scienceofpeople.com/feet-body-language/
Peter: Feet point toward the person you’re most attracted to in the room.
Peter: I noticed yours are pointed toward me, by the way. 😏
Harry: THEY ARE NOT!
Harry: They’re pointed toward the display case.
Harry: I’m attracted to brookies.
Peter: Sugarsexual?
Peter: Oops.
Peter: Alex looks offended.
Harry: You made me laugh while he was telling me about his very serious project.
Harry: Shh.
World’s Handsomest Dad to Harry Stark: Oh son of mine!
World’s Handsomest Dad: You’re never home anymore.
World’s Handsomest Dad: I liked it better when you had no friends.
Harry: Gee. Thank you.
Harry: I’ll probably be home in like an hour.
Harry: This date sucks.
World’s Handsomest Dad: Aw, what’s wrong bambino?
Harry: He’s cute. He’s smart.
Harry: And all he wants is to meet you.
World’s Handsomest Dad: So he’s got good taste!
World’s Handsomest Dad: How’s that a bad thing?
Harry: It’s just…
Harry: It feels like he doesn’t like me for me.
World’s Handsomest Dad: Tell him to go fuck himself and come home and hang out with your old man. 😃
Harry: I think I’m going to hang around here and keep Peter company for a bit, if you don’t mind?
World’s Handsomest Dad: My son.
World’s Handsomest Dad: My only boy.
World’s Handsomest Dad: The sun to my earth.
Harry: Get to it.
World’s Handsomest Dad: I am so bored.
Harry: Go hang out with your husband.
World’s Handsomest Dad: He’s busy playing with Stucky.
Harry: Who the hell is Stucky?
Harry: I’m so sorry, Dad.
Harry: I’ll kick his arse.
Harry: I TOLD YOU HE WAS A MAN WHORE!
Harry: God damnit.
Harry Stark to Sirius Black-Stark: I love you.
Harry: I’m not taking sides.
Harry: But you chose to chase a rat over taking me home with you when I was a baby.
Harry: And Dad gave me a car.
Harry: So fuck you.
Harry: You’re going to break his heart.
Sirius: I’d like to start with-
Sirius: What the fuck?
Sirius: And I’d like to follow up with-
Sirius: I bought you a Firebolt!
World’s Handsomest Dad to Harry Stark: Let me clarify:
World’s Handsomest Dad: Playing with Stucky means ‘playing cards with Steve and Bucky’.
Harry: I just—
Harry Stark to Sirius Black: I love you so much.
Harry: You’re the best godfather ever.
Harry: Remember when you made me your Best Man?
Harry: That was such a good day.
Sirius: You’re a punk.
Sirius: And I love you.
Sirius Black-Stark to Tony Stark: Am I having an affair, love?
Tony: Are you?
Tony: I thought it was my turn.
Sirius: No. You were sleeping with the bikini model in Maui, remember?
Sirius: So it’s my turn.
Tony: Is this code for ‘I got photographed in a compromising situation with Stucky and I’m warning you now the media is going to run the information tomorrow’?
Tony: Because that’s Code AIM: Affair in Media.
Sirius: It’s code for: ‘our son text me saying if I was cheating on you that he would choose your side’.
Tony: Awwww! 💖
Tony Stark to Harry Stark: Venmo for $5,000
Harry: What.
Harry: The.
Harry: Fuck.
Tony: You’re the best son in the world.
Harry: … alright then.
Harry: In that case, is it okay if I drive Peter home?
Harry: He rode a skateboard to work and I’ve got this nice shiny overpriced car just sitting there…
Tony: Yep! Absolutely!
Tony: Coincidentally, what’s Peter’s last name?
Harry: Thanks. Love you.
Harry: Bye.
Peter Parker to Harry Stark: ParkersPlaylist@Spotify
Harry: You’re kidding.
Peter: You have the music taste of an old man.
Peter: Get with the times.
Harry: This is my thanks for giving you a ride home?
Harry: An insult?
Harry: I’ll have you know, AC/DC is brilliant.
Peter: For thirty to forty year old men, sure.
Harry: My dad and stepdad both like AC/DC.
Peter: I rest my case, your honor.
Harry: What’s the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus?
Harry: Sounds like an STD.
Peter: Omg.
Peter: I just choked on my fucking sprite.
Harry: Serves you right for drinking sprite.
Harry: What’s the best song on this playlist?
Harry: I don’t have time for three hundred and sixteen songs.
Peter: Fall Out Boy- Sugar, We’re Goin Down
Harry: BRB
Harry Stark to Hermione Granger: SOS.
Hermione: I’m beginning to believe you don’t know what that means.
Harry: It means I’m having an emergency.
Harry: Help.
Harry: Gwen keeps setting me up on dates…
Harry: And I might fancy someone else.
Hermione: For the love of…
Hermione Granger added Ron Weasley to the group chat.
Hermione: Ron, please remind Harry that he is a Gryffindor.
Ron: Once a lion, always a lion.
Hermione: Just ask him out.
Harry: I can’t! He’s—
Ron: He?
Hermione: Harry’s gay.
Harry: Bisexual.
Hermione: Gay, but go off.
Harry: He’s… he’s cute. You know?
Harry: He’s just…
Harry: Hold on.
Harry: screenshot.jpg
Hermione: Oh my.
Hermione: He’s very cute.
Ron: Oi! He’s not that cute!
Ron: He reminds me of Lupin.
Hermione: Who is also cute.
Ron: My pride, my ego, my love- crushed.
Harry: Hey! This is about me right now!
Ron: Everything’s about you.
Ron: We live in the Harry Stark Show.
Ron: And on today’s episode…
Ron: Gay panic.
Harry: I’m not panicking because I’m gay.
Harry: I’m panicking because he’s…
Harry: He’s cute and he’s funny and he’s top of our class.
Harry: And he RIDES A SKATEBOARD!
Hermione: You’re cute and funny.
Ron: She meant me, of course.
Hermione: Quiet.
Hermione: We’re reassuring Harry now.
Ron: Previously, on the Harry Stark Show…
Ron: ‘Harry Potter, slayer of Voldemort and son of Iron Man is too chicken shite to ask someone out’.
Hermione: Ha.
Harry: He sent me this playlist, and it feels like it’s his whole soul, you know?
Hermione: Oh dear God.
Hermione: You’re like the protagonist in a shitty YA novel.
Hermione: You became a dramatic cliché when you became an American.
Hermione: Worse; I think you became a Cullen.
Harry: I hate you both.
Harry: Hermione, I hope you fail your NEWTS.
Harry: Ron, I hope Hermione fails her NEWTS.
Harry Stark left the group chat.
Hermione: How would me failing my NEWTS affect you?
Ron: Trust me.
Ron: It would.
Harry Stark to Peter Parker: Do you work tomorrow?
Peter: Yeah.
Peter: Why?
Peter: Do you have another date?
Harry: Not yet
Harry: I mean no
Harry: I mean do you get off?
Harry: I MEANT WHAT TIME DO YOU GET OFF?
Harry: Off your shift!
Harry: NOT SEXUALLY!
Peter: So that happened.
Harry: That song you recommended? It was a good song.
Harry: I liked it.
Peter: Good.
Peter: Good.
Peter: I work 12-7 tomorrow.
Harry: I—
Harry Stark to Hermione Granger: screenshot.jpg
Hermione: Oh you precious train wreck.
Harry: What do I say?
Hermione: ‘Do you want to go out with me after your shift tomorrow?’
Harry: That’s so hard to type. My fingers are sweaty.
Hermione: Just like with our homework when you attended Hogwarts… just copy and paste my text.
Harry: I love you.
Harry Stark to Peter Parker: ‘Do you want to go out with me after your shift tomorrow?’
Peter: Seriously?
Harry Stark to Hermione Granger: He said ‘seriously?’
Hermione: You’re a bi-disaster.
Hermione: Minus the attraction to females.
Hermione Granger added Gwen Stacy to group chat.
Hermione: I thought you were going to train him?
Hermione: I trusted you.
Harry: I’m not a dog?
Gwen: What happened?
Hermione: screenshot.jpg
Gwen: Oh you pretty idiot.
Gwen: Harry, text him back now.
Gwen: Y-E-S.
Gwen: It’s three letters.
Harry Stark to Peter Parker: Y-E-S.
Peter: Uh…
Peter: Okay.
Peter: Cool.
Peter: Wanna meet me at seven then?
Harry Stark to Hermione Granger and Gwen Stacy: screenshot.jpg
Hermione: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Hermione: JUST SAY YES YOU ADORABLE IDIOT.
Gwen: Harry. You’re a C average student.
Gwen: You’re not stupid.
Gwen: But you’re acting stupid.
Harry: I have feelings too, you know.
Harry Stark to Peter Parker: Sure.
Harry: Seven.
Harry: See you then.
Peter: See you then 😉
Date Five:
Harry Stark to Tony Stark and Sirius Black: SOS.
Tony: What?
Harry: WHY AREN’T YOU HOME?
Harry: I NEED YOU.
Harry: You missed fourteen years!
Harry: You have one job!!
Tony: Uh…
Sirius: Harry, kiddo, what’s up?
Harry: I have a date.
Tony: Another one?!
Tony: God you’re really following in Sirius’ footsteps, aren’t you?
Sirius: Excuse me?
Sirius: You screwed my best mate and his wife.
Sirius: Then half the population while I was in Azkaban.
Tony: You screwed a werewolf.
Tony: We’re even.
Sirius: How the hell…?
Harry: Hi.
Harry: This is about me now.
Sirius: You had a threesome with my best friends!
Sirius: If Harry’s following in anyones footsteps, it’s yours!
Tony: YOU TOLD ME TO GO HOME WITH THEM!
Sirius: I was twenty!
Sirius: I was drunk!
Sirius: I didn’t think you would!
Harry: Jesus Christ.
Harry Stark to Natasha Romanov: image.jpg
Natasha Romanov added Clint Barton to group chat.
Natasha: Go on.
Harry: Does this look okay?
Clint: You look ready to hurl.
Natasha: It’s a lot of black too.
Natasha: Black hair, black tshirt, black jeans, black converse…
Natasha: Are you going to an emo rock concert?
Harry: It’s a date.
Harry: All you wear is black!
Clint: Yeah but she looks like a goddess in black and you look like you’re going to hurl.
Natasha: You look pale.
Natasha: And skinny.
Clint: And too young to date.
Harry Stark to Pepper Potts: image.jpg
Pepper: What’s the occasion?
Harry: Important date.
Pepper: Swap that shirt for the dark red v-neck.
Pepper: And brush your hair.
Harry: Why couldn’t you have married my dad?
Pepper: It was the gay thing.
Pepper: My gay thing, not his.
Harry: If you and Nat ever tie the knot- I demand to be adopted.
Pepper: Love you, honey.
Pepper: Have a good date.
Hermione Granger created group chat.
Hermione Granger changed chat name to Harry’s Date.
Hermione Granger added Ron Weasley to group chat.
Hermione Granger added Gwen Stacy to group chat.
Ron: Mate, how’s your date?
Gwen: Peter’s so cute.
Gwen: I had nooo idea you liked him.
Hermione: It was a coincidence that all of Harry’s blind dates were at Peter’s job?
Gwen: Of course. 😌
Ron: Your date, mate, how is it?
Harry: Shh, we’re going to get dinner.
Harry: I- I think I like him a lot.
Harry: He’s cute. Sarcastic. Funny. Smart.
Harry: Terrible taste in music though.
Hermione: Easily overlooked.
Gwen: Ooh, but he gets in fights a lot.
Gwen: Total red flag.
Ron: Harry gets in fights all the time.
Gwen: And Harry’s a walking red flag.
Gwen: It’s just that he’s hot and rich too, so it works.
Harry: Peter’s hot.
Hermione: He is.
Ron: Excuse you?
Hermione: Where are you guys going to dinner at, Harry?
Harry: Bruegger's.
Ron: What the fuck is a Bruegger?
Ron: Sounds like a sex disease.
Harry: No idea.
Harry: But they make bagel hamburgers(?)
Hermione: Ew.
Gwen: Ew.
Ron: Go on.
Harry: I can’t. We’re doing date things.
Harry: I’ll update you later.
Ron Weasley changed chat name to The Harry Show.
Ron: What are we on? Season seventeen?
Hermione: I think this is the final season.
Gwen: Why? Did the main character turn down contract negotiations?
Ron: I want a bagel burger.
Gwen: Go to those fancy kitchens in your castle and get one.
Hermione: Don’t you dare bother the elves with your nonsense.
Ron: Too late!!
Ron: I’m off to see if Dobby can make a bagel burger!
Tony Stark to Harry Stark: How’s the date?
Tony: Harry?
Tony: Bambinoooo?
Sirius Black-Stark to Harry Stark: Text your dad back before he has a stroke.
Sirius: Harry?
Sirius: Love?
Natasha Romanov to Harry Stark: Your fathers are freaking out.
Natasha: You good?
Harry: Fine.
Natasha: Cool.
Peter Parker to Harry Stark: I’m really sorry.
Peter: Harry?
Peter: Can we have a redo?
Peter: Please?
Gwen Stacy to The Harry Show: Harry! It’s eleven! How was your date? Still happening?
Hermione: Harry?
Ron: Mate, listen:
Ron: Bagel burgers are the wave of the future.
Ron: I’m in love.
Ron: I’m in love with a bagel burger.
Hermione: Charming.
Ron: And you, of course.
Harry: Leave me alone.
Gwen: Oh, good.
Gwen: I’m sure that’s a good sign.
Harry Stark to Tony Stark and Sirius Black-Stark: Are you guys awake?
Sirius: Yes.
Tony: Wide awake.
Harry: Are you dressed?
Tony: …
Tony: I am now!
Sirius: I hate wearing pants! 😩
Harry: Can I- can I come in your room?
Harry: Or will you come out so that we can just watch a movie?
Tony: Of course, bambino.
Sirius: Let us get a quick shower, kiddo, then we’re all yours.
Harry: I love you guys.
Tony: We love you.
Tony Stark to Gwen Stacy: What the hell happened on Harry’s date??
Tony: He wants to drink hot chocolate and watch a movie!
Tony: Go figure it out, Gossip Girl.
Gwen: What’s in it for me?
Tony: A raise.
Tony: Go.
Gwen: 🫡
Gwen Stacy to Peter Parker: Hey, you.
Gwen: My sources say you had a hot date tonight.
Gwen: How’d it go?
Peter: Have you ever seen a train derail and smash hundreds of civilians?
Gwen: Not personally, no.
Peter: Well it almost happened today.
Peter: But it didn’t because I stopped it.
Gwen: Ooh! Spidermanning? I’ll check TikTok for videos!
Peter: While you’re on there, search: Parker ruins date to save civilians.
Peter: As a side note, fuck those civilians.
Gwen: Oh, you sexy little dumbass.
Gwen: Did you bail on your date to go save the city?
Peter: Yep.
Gwen: Wait.
Gwen: Why didn’t you just like take Harry with you?
Peter: It’s a secret identity, Gwyneth.
Gwen: Peter, you told me like two days after it happened?
Gwen: So why not Harry?
Peter: Because he’s HARRY FREAKING STARK!
Peter: He’s cute. He’s funny. He’s a bit of an asshole, but that just makes him better. And have you heard him talk?
Peter: He’s made me develop a British voice kink.
Peter: I’m going to get a boner next time I watch Sherlock because of him.
Gwen: He’s an enhanced human who rides a broomstick and used to go to a school for magic?
Gwen: So…
Gwen: Like just tell him, idiot.
Peter: I can’t, Gwen.
Peter: What if he gets hurt because of me?
Gwen: LMAO
Gwen: His dad is Iron Man.
Gwen: His stepdad is Magic Man.
Peter: Stupid name.
Gwen: Your name is Spiderman.
Gwen: And don’t interrupt me.
Gwen: His aunts are the Black Widow and Pepper Potts.
Gwen: His uncles are Hawkeye, War Machine, Captain America, the Winter Soldier, and Hulk.
Gwen: I’d like to see someone try and hurt Harry.
Peter: That’s…
Peter: God. You’re brilliant.
Gwen: I know. 😏💅🏻
Peter Parker to Harry Stark: I’d like a second chance please.
Peter: It’ll be the most mind blowing date ever.
Peter: I swear.
Harry: Oh, I dunno…
Harry: I think being left in the middle of a date for no bloody reason was pretty mind blowing.
Peter: Please, one redo?
Harry: I’ll think about it.
Harry Stark to The Harry Show: screenshot.jpg
Ron: HE DITCHED YOU MID-DATE?
Ron: HELL NO.
Ron: I WILL KICK HIS ARSE!
Ron: TELL HIM TO GO STICK HIS DICK IN A—
Gwen: I think you should give him a second chance.
Ron: WHAT?!?
Ron: NO!
Ron: He hurt Harry’s feelings!
Ron: Give me his address.
Ron: I’ll mail him some sweets…😈
Hermione: You are not going to mail a muggle some of your brothers’ trick sweets because he hurt Harry’s feelings.
Hermione: Harry, how do you feel?
Harry: Humiliated.
Harry: Embarrassed.
Harry: Turned on?
Harry: No, not that one. 👀
Ron: Er…
Hermione: Um…
Gwen: Hot. 🥵
Hermione: Moving right along then…
Hermione: Do you want to go out with him again, Harry?
Harry: I don’t know!
Harry: We were having a good time!
Harry: He was talking about college…
Harry: I was talking about not-college…
Hermione: Why not college?
Gwen: Go on, Harry.
Harry: I don’t know what happened.
Harry: He checked his phone and then I blinked and he was gone.
Harry: I don’t get what I did wrong?
Gwen: Oh, baby, no!
Gwen: You didn’t do anything wrong!
Ron: I’m going to kill him.
Hermione: Ronald, we do not kill.
Hermione: We torture and maim; death is a mercy.
Gwen: Shut it, you two.
Gwen: Harry, I’m sure he had a good reason, okay?
Gwen: I’ve known Peter since he was a kid. He’s not just an asshole.
Ron: Hard disagree.
Gwen: Shut. The. Duck. Up.
Ron: 🦆🦆🦆
Gwen: Harry, just give him one more chance.
Gwen: If it sucks, then we have your dad fly Crazy and Crazier out here to beat the hell out of Peter, okay?
Harry Stark to Sirius Black-Stark: How did you decide to give Dad a second chance?
Sirius: He’s got a great arse.
Harry: Be serious, please.
Sirius: I‘m always Sirius
Harry: 🖕
Sirius: Alright, well…
Sirius: He wasn’t the same bloke he used to be, you know?
Sirius: I saw how he stepped up for you and it made me respect him a lot.
Sirius: And then I saw his arse and it made me want him a lot.
Sirius: Respect Sexual Attraction = Best Marriage Ever.
Harry: Truly, you give the best advice.
Harry Stark to Tony Stark: I went on a date.
Harry: He ditched me halfway through.
Harry: He wants a second date.
Harry: What do I do?
Tony: How cute is he?
Harry: image.jpg
Tony: Eh
Tony: Here’s the thing, bambino, do you like him?
Tony: Only you know if he’s worth a second date.
Harry: I… okay. Yeah.
Harry: Thanks, Dad.
Tony: I love you, kid.
Harry: I tolerate you. ❤️
Harry Stark to Peter Parker: Okay.
Peter: Yeah? You mean it?
Harry: If you ditch me then I’m going to let my best mates kick your arse.
Tony Stark added Tony Stark to group chat.
Tony: And then I’m going to kick your ass.
Tony Stark added ‘Avengers’ to group chat.
Tony: And so will all of them.
Clint: I already hate you.
Peter Parker has left the group chat.
Harry: Good going, everyone.
Bucky: What is this?
Steve: I don’t like it.
Tony: Jesus Christ.
Date Six:
Harry Stark to Pepper Potts: image.jpg
Pepper: In the fourth drawer of your dresser is a pair of faded jeans with a hole in one knee, put those on instead.
Harry: Okay.
Pepper: Another date?
Harry: Yeah.
Pepper: I thought you seemed to really like the last guy?
Harry: I did.
Harry: Then he ditched me halfway through and this is our redo date.
Pepper: Ah. I see.
Pepper Potts to Natasha Romanov: Who is this guy that ditched my child?
Natasha: Peter Parker, seventeen.
Natasha: fileattachment.doc
Pepper: I love you.
Natasha Romanov to Clint Barton: screenshot.jpg
Clint: ??
Natasha: Does she mean it platonically or romantically?
Clint: I’m on a mission, Nat!
Clint: Platonically though.
Natasha: That’s what I thought.
Natasha: I’m fine.
Natasha: This is fine.
Clint Barton to Pepper Potts: You busy tonight?
Pepper: No?
Clint: Want to grab dinner?
Pepper: Sounds great! We haven’t had a chance to catch up in forever!
Clint: Cool.
Clint: 8 o’clock. Le Coucou.
Clint Barton to Natasha Romanov: You busy later tonight?
Natasha: No.
Natasha: Let’s drink!
Clint: Dinner first?
Natasha: Fine.
Clint: 8 o’clock. Le Coucou.
Clint: Try not to dress like a bum.
Natasha: 🖕🖕
Clint Barton to Bucky Barnes: You busy tonight?
Bucky: No
Clint: Wanna spy on Nat and Pepper’s blind date when I finish up this mission?
Bucky: Abso-fucking-lutely.
Bucky: If Steve asks, we’re at a strip club.
Bucky: No need to hear about ‘violating their privacy’.
Clint: 👍
Hermione Granger to The Harry Show: Good luck tonight, Harry!
Ron: Tell him I’ll kill him if he’s mean!
Gwen: He won’t be mean.
Gwen: It’ll be fine.
Harry: Thanks.
Harry: I’m going to cancel.
Hermione: That’s understandable.
Gwen: DO NOT CANCEL.
Gwen: Harry, if this is a horrible date, I’ll leave you to wallow in your singleness forever.
Hermione: And maybe it’ll be great! Maybe you’ll fall in love!
Ron: Maybe Peter will fall off a roof.
Ron: Maybe he just needs a push.
Harry: Thanks everyone, this is great.
Harry: I gotta go.
Harry: I’ll let you know if he ditches me again because nobody could ever love me because I’m me.
Hermione: You’re so dramatic.
Hermione: Good luck.
Harry Stark to Peter Parker: I’m an idiot.
Harry: I’m here.
Harry: And you aren’t.
Harry: Is this a joke?
Harry: I’m a joke.
Harry: 🤡
Harry: That’s me.
Peter: Look up.
Tony Stark to Harry Stark: How’s the date?
Tony: Harry?
Sirius Black-Stark to Harry Stark: Hey, kiddo!
Sirius: Kiddoooo, how’s the date?
Pepper Potts to Harry Stark: I hope your date’s going good, sweetheart!
Pepper: I love you.
Hermione Granger to The Harry Show: It’s 11:30 your time.
Hermione: Either your date went really bad and you’re not telling us because you’re crying in a tub of ice cream…
Ron: Or it went really good and you’re shagging some bloke and then celebrating with bagel burgers.
Hermione: That’s an image I didn’t need, Ron.
Gwen: I like the image. 🥵
Hermione: God, you need a boyfriend of your own so bad.
Ron: Is there a term for girls that are attracted to gay guys?
Gwen: Dumb bitches.
Ron: You’re a dumb bitch.
Gwen: Guilty.
Harry: OMG
Harry: OMG
Harry: OH. MY. GOD.
Ron: MY BABY BROTHER GOT LAID!
Ron: FINALLY! 🥳
Ron: I still hate Peter though.
Harry: We didn’t have sex!
Harry: We were- hold on.
Harry Stark to Peter Parker: Can I tell my friends about you?
Harry: They’re also ‘enhanced’ so it’s not like they’re going to care…
Peter: Ooh.
Peter: Unfortunately… I only let the person I’m dating tell his friends about my super cool and not at all creepy spider DNA.
Harry: Oh.
Harry: Okay.
Harry: Sorry.
Peter: You adorable gay baby.
Peter: Harry, I was super casually trying to ask you if you wanted to go out again, maybe officially? Like boyfriends?
Harry:
Harry:
Harry:
Peter: Aaand I broke you.
Harry Stark to Tony Stark and Sirius Black-Stark: screenshot.jpg
Tony: What’s the blacked out parts?
Sirius: You’re not answering him?
Sirius: I thought you liked him?
Harry: QHAT FO U SAY?!?!
Tony: That’s gay panic for ‘what do I say?’ and you tell him your dad says you’re too young to date.
Sirius: He’s seventeen, love.
Tony: I don’t care if he’s seventy, babe. He’s my little bambino and the answer is no.
Harry Stark to Peter Parker: Yes
Peter: Really?
Peter: Like for real?
Peter: I’m dreaming.
Harry: Do I get free brookies?
Peter: Are you dating me for the fun above the city spider swinging, the brookies, or my charismatic personality?
Harry: I’m dating you for the way your arse looks in your costume.
Harry: It’s cute.
Peter: I accept this.
Harry Stark to The Harry Show: videoattachment.mov
Ron: URGH! They’ve got a spider on their chest!
Gwen: 🍿
Hermione: I’ve seen them on Twitter! That’s Spiderman, right?
Harry: It is.
Ron: URGH! SPIDERman?!
Ron: Sick.
Gwen: 🍿
Harry: It’s Peter.
Harry: AND WE’RE DATING!
Hermione: The way Ron just turned green you’d think Draco snogged him.
Gwen: SQUEALING!
Gwen: I KNEW YOU TWO WOULD BE SO PERFECT!
Gwen: DIBS ON BEING THE BEST MAN AT THE WEDDING!
Ron: Excuse you.
Ron: No.
Ron: Bros before hoes.
Ron: I’m best man.
Ron: But don’t marry a spider, mate.
Hermione: That’s so…
Hermione: Really?
Hermione: You’re dating a guy who wears a onesie?
Hermione: I’m happy for you?
Gwen: Be nice.
Gwen: Peter’s very smart and sweet.
Gwen: And if you pause that video at 0:37 you’ll see his ass and it’s poppin.
Hermione: Oh, my.
Hermione: Go Harry.
Ron: Excuse you.
Harry: Am I already in love? No.
Harry: Will I be in love in two days? Yes.
Harry: I’m going to propose on the same roof we shared our first kiss.
Harry: I’m going to name our children Peter Junior and Harry Junior.
Harry: I’m going to buy a side-by-side grave plot in Godric’s Hallow so we can be buried together one day.
Harry: When we get to the afterlife, I’m going to take him to meet my paren—
Harry: Oh fuck me.
Gwen: Is Harry a gay boy or a lesbian with a uhaul?
Harry Stark to Tony Stark and Sirius Black-Stark: Hi.
Harry: You know how all those charming teen dramas have the kid bringing their boyfriend or girlfriend home to meet the parents?
Harry: That’s just a telly thing, right?
Tony: Wrong.
Tony: IF you were dating someone, you’d absolutely have to bring them home to meet us.
Sirius: He’s dating someone.
Sirius: screenshot.jpg
Tony: YOU PUT IT ON FACEBOOK BEFORE YOU TOLD ME?!
Tony: I’ve been betrayed.
Tony: My heart is broken.
Tony: Is that a bright light I see?
Tony: James, are you calling for me?
Tony: I’m coming home to you, James.
Sirius: We’re literally married.
Harry: This is not a big deal in any way.
Harry: Be cool.
Sirius: You know he can’t do that.
Tony Stark to Peter Parker: Insert polite greeting here.
Peter: Who is this?
Tony: Your boyfriend’s father.
Peter: The one with the iron suit or the one with the flying broomstick?
Tony: The good looking one, obviously.
Peter: Which one?
Tony: Don’t try sucking up, I already hate you.
Tony: Dinner. Stark Tower. Floor 72. Monday. Seven o’clock.
Peter: Oh this sounds fun. 🙃🔫
Tony Stark to Avengers chat group: Monday at seven, dinner at my place.
Natasha: Can I bring a date?
Bucky: Oh I insist.
Tony: Harry’s boyfriend is coming.
Sirius: Love…
Sirius: Are you planning on humiliating our child?
Tony: Don’t be ridiculous.
Tony: I’m planning on interrogating the little semen demon who thinks he’s good enough for our son.
Clint: I’ll be there. 🔪
Pepper: I’ll be there.
Steve: Tony…
Tony Stark removed Steve Rogers from group chat.
Tony: Everyone in?
Bruce: I guess.
Tony: Excellent.
Peter Parker to Harry Stark: Hi.
Peter: Your dad invited me to dinner Monday night.
Peter: On a scale of 1-10 how scared should I be?
Harry: 9.5.
Harry: And I think I love you.
Harry Stark to The Harry Show: screenshot.jpg
Gwen: Oh you gay disaster.
Hermione: Harry…
Ron: Mate…
Harry: IT SLIPPED OUT!
Gwen: Hermione, I won.
Hermione Granger to Gwen Stacy: Venmo for $20
Harry: YOU BET HOW LONG IT WOULD BE UNTIL PETER BROKE UP WITH ME?!
Hermione: Of course not!
Gwen: We bet on how long it would be until you told Peter you loved him because you’re a dramatic person.
Ron: I really thought you’d last longer.
Harry: I hate all of you.
Harry: I’m going to drown myself in the shower tonight.
Harry: I’m so stupid.
Peter Parker to Harry Stark: SimplePlan_I’dDoAnything@Spotify
Harry: I’m so sorry.
Harry: In my defense, my Dad and stepdad/godfather are very dramatic and they’ve clearly rubbed off on me.
Harry: Also my therapist says I have insecure attachment issues.
Harry: Please pretend I didn’t say that last part.
Peter: I’m going on patrol in an hour, do you want to come?
Harry: Yes please.
Peter: See you soon, sugar.
Harry: I love you.
Harry: Damn it, no.
Harry: Bad Harry.
Peter Parker to Gwen Stacy: He’s cute.
Gwen: I know.
Peter: Thank you.
Gwen: Take him out on every Friday night, please.
Gwen: I need to find a boyfriend, I’m entirely too involved in the love lives of my friends.
Peter: Deal.
Gwen: 🙌
Fin.
