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“Once upon a time-
“Oh you don’t like once upon a time? Too cliche? Well, I’m telling the story, not you so get over it.
“As I was saying, once upon a time, there was a boy named-
”Is that the right place to start, I’m actually not sure…
”Anyway, there was a boy named Harry Potter.
”Actually, that didn’t start with once upon a time so we’re going to have to start again.
”Once upon a time, there was a boy name Harry Potter who lived with his aunt and uncle at Privet Inn, which is well-known for its cleanliness, I actually went there once-
”I’ll try that again.
”Once upon a time, there was a boy named Harry Potter who lived with his aunt and uncle at Privet Inn. He had the job of keeping it clean and he did it well be-
”Ahem.
”He kept it clean, his aunt Petunia made the food and his uncle Vernon served the drinks. His cousin Dudley was away at Smeltings-
”Actually no he wasn’t because this is about where the story starts. We’ll get to Harry’s parents at some point but this is going to be the beginning.
”Dudley was struggling in Smeltings and after a temper tantrum too many had been expelled so was now a bit lost and unsure what to do with himself. It disrupted the pattern the other three had settled into in his absence and he knew it. Harry took to getting his cousin to help him out with his work but Dudley was a little lazy so it didn’t quite half the time things took.
”There we go, managed the first chunk! It might not have been exactly what the book said but I’m giving you a summary here so be grateful. We’re already about a chapter in.
"So there Harry was, scrubbing the floor-
”And Hagrid was there too I think.
”There he was scrubbing the floor near Hagrid, who he knew because the half-giant invited him to Hogwarts. He had turned him down. Aunt Petunia had reminded him that Dudley was off to make a Hunter of himself at Smeltings and Harry could settle in a way Dudley couldn’t so he may as well stay at the Inn. It would be his one day. Hagrid took no umbrage and now comes by often. When he invests quite a few cups, he takes to telling Harry how much he looks like his father and mother which is perfectly fine with him. What really annoys Harry is being compared to T-
”Do you know who Tom Riddle is? He’s the Lord of their land and if you bring him a Crumple-Horned Snorkack, he will give you a reward.
”What really annoys Harry is being compared to Tom Riddle. They look similar - have the same black hair and pale skin and they share the Talent of Flying. Hagrid is good at drawing attention so when he slams his mug down with a thunk, Harry feels the eyes turning to him. ‘Lord Riddle’ a woman cries and he gives her a tight ‘No’ and retreats to the kitchen, wondering how she missed his green eyes-
”Is this bit really relevant? I think I might just skip ahead a bit. I mean I know Harry needs to be established as a character but I simply cannot be bothered to continue with this. Harry is mistaken for Lord Tom and is a bit upset about it - he’s still not over it basically - and he has a nice conversation with his aunt about it and blah blah blah.
”He’s scrubbing the floor when a group of seven or eight - I think eight because I’m counting Petey Pie the cornucopia but Harry won’t know to do that yet. So a group of eight arrive - actually due to reasons we’ll get into later because this but I think is important, Harry only sees six Hunters.
“I mean there are ten in total and as Harry hasn’t joined yet, we take away one. Then another one for the cornucopia, then another for reasons and finally one for the missing part of their party. I hope I didn’t give you a major spoiler there - it was pretty obvious Hary was going to join them. If you didn’t realise, you clearly don’t read many books. Is that why you’re here, because I’m reading the book? Nice, I approve.
"We’ll skip straight to the good bit, shall we? Harry finds the brown haired girl of the party facing off a troll outside and has to stick his nose in. The round-faced boy’s club has been sacrificed to the troll’s and the girl is yelling instruction at something Harry can’t see but is clearly there. Like an idiot, Harry snatches up the broken bit of club-
”Ow, all those splinters! Can you imagine?
”and goes soaring into the air, jamming it up the troll’s nose. ‘Watch out!’, the girl warns him-
”I know Harry doesn’t know her name yet but I do so I’m going to call her Hermione from here onwards and the person she was yelling instructions at is Ron who generally stays on her back during a fight because he needs her eyes. You see, Ron is invisible but also blind: no one can see him and he can see no one. It’s a rather interesting ta-
”But this story is about Harry, so we’ll get into that another time. Let’s return to the troll.
“Harry’s swinging around a bit, trying to distract the troll when out of the corner of his eye, he sees a club raise high and slam down on its head. In his panic, he briefly forgets he can fly but he recovers in time and has a heartfelt conversation with the three children of the group: Hermione, Ron and Neville. By this point, one of the adults, Remus, arrives. He gives Harry a startled look, having of course know Harry’s parents which Harry mistakes for an attempt at intimidation.
“In case you were wondering what he was up to, he was attempting to corral the two other adults Xenophilius and Lucius into leaving but the latter just thrust baby Draco upon him and went back to talking with Hagrid and a hooded man. If that doesn’t scream dodgy, I don’t know what will.
“Lucius, when he finally came out, saw the troll and immediately tried his chances. As it turns out, selling a sentient cornucopia like Petey to an unconscious troll is difficult even for a silver-tongued salesperson like Lucius. Convincing the rest of his group to allow him to keep the white peacock he won would be even more difficult so he doesn’t even try, simply uses his Talent to enlarge it and sits astride its back.
“You see, he is of the opinion that his high-quality shoes should not touch the ground like the rest of us plebeians and has been attempting to sell his fellow Hunters’ belongings to raise enough money to buy a horse. He has a peacock now and will take no further arguments about it. That does mean he didn’t need to try to sell Petey but old habits die hard.
“Xeno is last to come out, a little more distracted than usual because his daughter’s been taken by Snat-
”Harry doesn’t know that yet so you don’t need to. It’ll be an important bonding moment later.
“After much cajoling, Harry, who secretly thirsts for adventure - how original! - and really wants to go along, goes along. Dudley who is conveniently home decides he will pick up Harry’s chores until he gets back and this is a touching moment because Dudley expects Harry to come back.
”Can I try that last bit again? I think it would have been better if it were said more flatly… Never mind.
“So to summarise, Harry has met eight out of the total of ten quest members - one of which is him so he can only expect to meet nine. We’re just missing one but Harry doesn’t know that yet. He’s now off on adventure to capture-
“Sorry, study a Crumple-Horned Snorkack. Don’t let Lucius know. Hermione confesses this to him quietly - they are, all of them scholars, even Ron though he struggles quite a lot with it. He’s a great chess player though, can practically see the board in his head so Hermione carries a small set with her, one of those fold up ones and…
”… and while this is cute and wholesome this is not that important so we’ll return to Hermione telling Harry about their true purpose. For this you might need some historical context so here we go.
”There was a dude named Tom Riddle and he had a girlfriend called Myrtle. Together, they set out on a search and there behind all the trees of birch, they found a most mystical creature with a horn as its main feature. There was an accident and Myrtle got hurt, was laying there face down on the dirt.
”I could attempt to sing that but I think I’d absolutely fail. It’s a really cool rap though, isn’t it? There’s only one right answer and it’s not ‘no’….
”Ever since then, Snorkacks have been recognised as cursed beings, symbols of evil sorcerers like Lord Voldemort. If his mood is right, he might offer you more than Tom Riddle to buy your bounty. If not, he’ll offer you your death. I think I know who I’d go to.
”Instead of capturing a Snorkack like Hunters, this group plans to research them, to record their magic. It’s too late to go back by the time Harry is told this - probably intentional and after Draco is foisted on on him for the fifth time in one day, he swears not to tell Lucius. This timing is definitely intentional and he says as much. Ron laughs, Hermione smiles angelically and Neville laughs after a pause, looking wistfully at his left side where no one stands. Petey is amused too because he gives them all a banana. ‘The fruits of victory’ Neville jokes, still staring at his left side.
“I said we’d get back to Luna, didn’t I? She usually stands where Neville’s staring if you hadn’t already guessed. Being the only left-handed one, it makes sense that she should stick to the left of the group. The problem with Luna is that she is a very deep sleeper so when the Snatchers came-
”You know who the Snatchers are right? Servants of Lord Voldemort who seek to hinder Hunters.
”When the Snatchers came, she didn’t escape in time and they didn’t get the opportunity to save her, not when Draco was screaming his lungs out. He does that quite often when Harry holds him and the sound attracts no end of Snatchers, one of whom - Quirrell is currently on our party’s trail.
”They don’t know that, however, and there’s no point in you telling them - this has all already happened. Draco’s grown up now although he still whines quite a bit.
”Anyway, they’re all happily on the road until Lucius mentions, quite offhandedly, that Hagrid bought a dragon egg. Why he couldn’t have mentioned it earlier, no one knows. They rush back, seeking out Hagrid. This is where Luna’s story becomes important.
”She is lucky enough to be taken by rogue Snatchers who do not attempt to gag her or cover their ears so she sings a lullaby, sends them all of to sleep except the smallest, who after some persuasion takes off her chains. Being a Siren can come in handy sometimes. Luna takes the chains with her and seeks refuge at Hagrid’s hut, hoping the Snatchers will put it all down to a dream.
“This is a fantasy story so it could go either way. There’ll be more Snatchers later on but I don’t keep track of them well enough to tell you if they are the same ones or not, given that they aren’t named.
“So she seeks refuge in Hagrid’s hut and is delighted by the dragon egg, stays until it hatches and then is forced to flee when officials descend on Hagrid’s Hut. Luna thinks they are Snatchers, flees as fast as she can. She doesn’t duck into the rivers, grimacing at how polluted they are because she is not a mermaid. Instead, she’s left to the trees of the Forbidden Story which all proves unnecessary in the grand scheme of things but I am telling you because otherwise there would be no story.
”The ‘Snatchers’ are in fact Lord Riddle’s law enforcement, sent by our group of nine after they fail to find Hagrid again. Lucius reluctantly convinces them that the half-giant is nervous, didn’t know who to tell and is doing his best to contain the dragon until it can be sent to a sanctuary.
“He also tries to sell them the dragon so it’s not entirely as convincing as it could have been. They use Petey Pie to cover it up, spouting some nonsense about dragonfruit and the cornucopia helps them, producing it to pelt Lucius with.
“He deserves it, the pompous- ahem, so sorry. He deserves it the pompous- are you bleeping my words? I wasn’t going to say it then, I was just kidding! Can’t you guys take a joke?
“So, to conclude, they manage to bail Hagrid out of trouble and land Luna right in it. She’ll get her own back later on, don’t worry. Was that a spoiler? Oops, too late now.
”Going back to the other nine, Draco is absolutely ruining their chances of passing by unnoticed but they need him because… Why do they need him? Harry asks Hermione who usually has the answers. She doesn’t know either. Ron stays silent and Neville shrugs. Remus is currently a wolf - being a shapeshifter. He can’t really control it but he’s at least docile so they pass him off as a dog as best as they can. Getting an answer out of Lucius is harder than drawing blood out of a stone and Xeno is too easily distracted, gives them the first half of an answer which is so much more frustrating than no answer at all.
”I know, even if you don’t. Do you want to? No? I’m just kidding, like I was earlier, thank you very much! As I’ve already said, this is a fantasy and what’s darker than a baby’s cry? The most successful Hunters lure Snorkacks in with one, although they normally use recordings. What are the ethics of using a real baby? It’s not like they could have left him though, not when Lucius is his only family. And Xeno I suppose, since the two men are cousins.
“The day they ‘meet’ Filch is turning out to be a normal day. Hermione and Ron are bickering, Neville is dawdling behind them to take samples of plants and make notes, Remus protectively by his side. He’s still stuck as a wolf but is likely to revert soon. Lucius is waving like a royal from atop his white peacock and Xeno is leading them all, one ear tilted towards the sky in hope of overhearing some useful information. So far he’s only found out that bird 1 has been-
”Let’s not get into that. Petey is shooting fruits at Lucius out of boredom. Somehow, he manages to avoid all of them, appears to not even have realised that he’s been hit. Harry sympathises, a writhing Draco in his arms. The peacock can’t run fast, is bright white and makes it very obvious that Lucius’ Talent is enlarging things. And his son screams so, so loudly. He’s painted a huge target on their back.
“Harry might be grumbling but he has got a point because before long, they find themselves pursued all the way to the Third Corridor by a Snatcher, who is not Quirrell.
”Quirell has been recalled for some reason or the other and his replacement is inadequate - far less discreet. So our nine heroes become aware that they are bring followed and flee, not realising that they’ve just trespassed and are now in the grounds of Hogwarts.
”Word of advice, don’t trespass! If you do, don’t hold me accountable for the consequences. I warned you.
“Peeves, poltergeist of the area, enjoys stirring up trouble and therefore calls loudly for the caretaker, Argus Filch. The Snatcher is obvious but not stupid so gets out of there as fast as they can. Petey angrily threatens the poltergeist and Ron tries to take a revenge swipe as they run forward. The Third Corridor is a twisting passage through the Third Mountain with sharp turns and even as they run, they all know they are not going to make it.
“Lucius refuses to shrink his peacock, for one, so it leaps from side to side above their heads. The one time it would be better for Remus to be a wolf, he is a human. Hermione is dragging Ron along and Harry helps her. Neville next to them, is trying to fend off not only Argus Filch but the gargoyles, intent on slowing them down. Petey in his hand is not cooperating, is still shooting fruit at the peacock that definitely de-
“That definitely deserves a name, in my humble opinion. But yeah, the peacock definitely deserves better than carrying Lucius Malfoy around.”
“Lucius is yelling at the poltergeist, trying to sell him a genuine white peacock feather - he tried the same thing with the Snatcher too - and Draco is in his arms, quiet. Xeno is distracted by the bats and if it were not for baby Draco, the others would have left them to their fates.
“‘What are the bats saying’, Harry hisses. Xeno looks at him, wide-eyed, and says nothing important, just updates him on the latest news of ‘Young-
“Yeah no, I’m not even going to try pronouncing that. Let’s call him Benny. Or maybe we should call the peacock that? Benny the Albino Peacock? Sounds decent.
“Look, no one’s doing anything useful, not even Neville who is now trying to use one of Benny’s tail feathers as a long spear and utterly failing.
“There’s a twist up ahead and Hermione pushes against the wall as she turns. She’s let go of Ron’s arm and there’s a quick sharp turn to the right then immediately to the left and as she pushes, she goes tumbling in. Ron hasn’t let go of her hand so he goes in as well.
”Seeing this, Harry swoops up, snatches baby Draco and joins them. They are all in the cave by the time he gets in, apart from Lucius who is still somewhere above the Corridor. He’s graduated from a tail-feather to a gown made from peacock feathers.
”Filch moves closer and closer and Draco lets out an almighty wail. It echoes and Harry winces. Petey rapidly stuffs a clementine into the baby’s mouth to shut him up.
”This would be very concerning if this weren’t a fantasy story so we’ll just move on like there’s nothing wrong with this.
“Peeves cackles just as loudly, the sound similarly echoing and they all relax as they realise that Filch has been thoroughly distracted, even from Lucius who is thankfully silent and apparently right next to Harry, still astride Benny as though he teleported there.
”Best not to think too much about the logistics. I know, why don’t we go back to Luna? Where were we with her? I stopped reading a while ago so I hope this is all in the right order…
”Luna is in the Forbidden Forest with Fang, Hagrid’s dog. She’s not gone in any rivers, hasn’t even gone that far from his hut and is now hiding and waiting. Instead, she is wandering through the forest, unaware that in a second she’ll see something terrifying.
”Did you guess it was going to be a cloaked figure drinking unicorn blood? Or that that cloaked figure would be Quirrell. Explains where he got off to, doesn’t it?
”Like a sane person, Luna screams and runs for it. If it’s this maniac or the Snatchers, she knows which one she prefers. Surprisingly, the figure-
“She doesn’t know Quirrell so we may as well use both.
“-doesn’t follow her, maybe because they can’t be bothered with a small screaming child and they’ll be gone far before she gets to anyone.
“It could also be because this is not a horror story.
“Anyway, Luna runs and runs, narrowly missing several centaurs who also decide it’s not worth running after a little girl who is leaving their territory and has Fang barking by her side, now that the coward has returned. She makes it to the Third Corridor, ducks into a cave and reunites-
“She misses the rest of her group by an hour or so-
“They were hunting down traces of Snorkacks, if you were wondering.
”And is instead greeted by a strange mirror which for some reason is in a cave even though it looks quite ornate. I would tell you what she saw in the glass but the sun is not there at the moment so it is dark in the cave, even if it isn’t outside and she sees nothing. There’s a small dog following her around that isn’t Fang - ‘Fluffy’, Hagrid told her - and it settles outside the cave, guarding her for the night.
”I think we’ll stick with Luna for a bit. The others aren’t finding anything, not when Baby Draco is now refusing to cry and I’d rather not be bored.
”So Luna gets up the next day and with a heavy heart, leaves the dog there, knowing she is barely managing herself and cannot take care of Fluffy, even if his three heads are adorable.
”Did I forget to mention that earlier? Oops.
“Fluffy refuses to accept her argument, comes with her anyway and it is while she’s turning the corner and trying to shoo him away that she meets Severus Snape and remembers that she is not supposed to be here in Hogwarts until next year. So, cleverly, she blurts out a question: ‘Can you teach me logic?’
”This says it in more flowery words but I’m fully ready to abandon it again so let’s just pretend that is what she says. It boils down to it anyway.
“Snaps is not pleased but he doesn’t care to see through her and he’s never pleased so he makes a riddle with his strong-suit, Potions and once she figures it out, he lets her pass.
”The next person she comes across is Quirrell. He’s muttering about trolls so she asks him about them and he calls one in so he can show her their movements and patterns.
“Then she passes Minerva McGonagall, who tries to teach her to play chess. It’s an impossible task but eventually the witch relents and she passes forward again, inching her way out of the Third Corridor.
“Next is Filius Flitwick who is more than happy to show her how inanimate objects can be made animated - be made birds out of keys.
“He is actually teaching her about deception because naturally, Luna can’t do that but I prefer the first. Your choice, I guess. I’ve said them both.
“Finally, she comes across Pomona Sprout who hands her a watering can before anything can be said and shows her how to perfect the soil for a Devil’s Snare.
“‘Run along’ Sprout says, ‘I’m sure the Elves will have dinner ready. The dog will have to stay I’m afraid’. Unwilling to look a gift horse in the mouth, Luna bids farewell to Fluffy, leaving him at the end of the Third Corridor and retreats to Hagrid’s Hut. She falls asleep with a smile on her face, not realising that she’s just made things six times harder for the rest of her group.
”They’re sort of lost, Draco is crying again, Xeno is too busy talking with the birds about food to ask for help, Hermione is stressed, Remus has pulled out a rudimentary map that he can’t follow, Neville is wrestling with several gargoyles and Ron is helping Petey try to splatter a sulking Lucius. The last one is Harry’s fault.
”They’d been hunting the Snorkacks and Lucius was saying some nasty things so Harry had reminded him that he was not going to be getting any money out of this endeavour as they weren’t planning to collect the bounty. He’d forgotten that Lucius was unaware of that. Now, the man is sulking, is staring at Benny’s neck and refusing to look at the rest of them.
”Even I think that’s an improvement.
”So basically, they’re all screwed. Harry flies up again, taking Remus’ map with him and hoping it won’t be torn. By chance, he spots where they came from and they decide that hiding in that cave again isn’t a bad idea. They’ll at least have somewhere quiet and covered.
”The first sign that this is a bad idea is the three headed dog. Harry can evade Fluffy but none of the rest of them can. It’s almost on them until Remus desperately whistles. It always helps him think. Neville spots the way the dog seats as if sleepy. ‘We need to sing!’ he whispers.
”Harry turns panicked eyes to Hermione and then when the dog snarls, sings what little he remembers from a common song in his aunt’s Inn. He isn’t supposed to know some of the words and he forgets a few so he hums but it’s enough.
”Lucius rushes on ahead and after some deliberation, Harry follows after him and Benny, baby Draco kicking up a tantrum in his arms as he tries to concentrate on flying to the right place and keeping an eye on Lucius. They get to the cave safe and sound but after taking his son, Lucius turns away and refuses to acknowledge Harry, who for his part shivers a little at the cold and prays that Hermione hurries up.
”Hermione herself would gladly be there with Harry but she’s currently a little occupied. Neville grabbed her arm and held it to the aggressive plant like an idiot. Her hand sparks and she sends him an angry look. Ron tries to tug her out of the plant’s rapidly tightening grip but fails. Her hand sparks again and she realises that this is exactly what Neville meant. His grip is still tight so she takes care to only light her palm, relieved when the plant loosens its grip, shrinking away from her fire.
”And so they are saved from the Devil’s Snare and advance on, only to be met by angry birds-
“Not the fun kind.
”The birds are eager to peck their eyes out, at least until Petey distracts them by creating a pile of fruit in the corner.
”Then comes a chess set. The pieces are huge and made of stone. Ron directs the board, making Hermione remind him of the positions of all the pieces. Neville isn’t that good at chess but he knows that Ron could have won ten moves ago. Hermione, being even worse at it, does not.
“It’s getting darker though and once he is told this, Ron ends the game quickly.
”The next thing they find is a troll. There is no Lucius to try to sell it Petey or a lock of Hermione’s hair or Benny’s tail feathers but Xeno talks with it a bit. When it seems like they aren’t getting anywhere, Ron coaxes Hermione and Neville into continuing with him. This only works because Remus agrees.
”By the time Xeno catches up, Remus has nearly solved a riddle. He is now, however, a wolf and not very good at communicating the answer. Hermione solves it in the end and they finally make it to the cave, settling for the night. They don’t pay much attention to the mirror further along the corridor.
“Where am I again? Luna’s with Hagrid after her little adventure and the other nine are settled for the night. Or so you would think…
”I have to pause there, otherwise there’s no dramatic tension! I know this is a long summary but it’s so much better than- Fine, fine, I’ll get on with it.
“Quirrell is creeping along in the cave, wanting to steal the mirror for Lord Voldemort and Hermione wakes up after Ron pushes the mirror over because he’s panicking here. At the risk of third degree burns and with the mirror shattered anyway, he runs away.
”There, short enough for you? Good.
”Then, Albus Dumbledore turns up, pleased with all of them and invites them to dinner and forgives them for trespassing.
”This isn’t usually how it goes by the way. If it does, it’s usually horror so once again, I assure you that this is not a horror story.
“Presumably, they reunite with Luna and live happily ever after or go searching for Snorkacks again and find them and become reputed experts after Lucius get over himself and starts promoting them or they all go home after this-
“It’s not my job to tell you what happens next anyway. This is the end and I don’t need to go any further than that. I’ve already cut the story down to fourteen or so pages for you. I’m not going to do any more work. Someone else needs to write what I say down, I’m not doing it. And I’m not helping them proofread either! I’ve already been up too long.
“Dumbledore is happy with them. There’s your ending.”