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Felix paces nervously around his room. The only sounds which can be heard are the teen’s heavy footsteps and his quickening breathing. He doesn’t know why the situation is affecting him so much, he’s used to having no friends besides Ellen and his brother, he should be handling it well. So why is he taking it so badly?
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Felix thought it would be different when they got home, his parents were actually paying him attention, which they haven’t done in years, he had his Ellen back and the guys seemed to like him, like actually like him, but of course like all things in Felix’s life nothing could stay good.
The shift started happening when they all went back to school, everyone assimilating into their former friend groups like they weren’t gone for two weeks, Jake with his footy friends, Sam with the popular kids and even Andy with the nerd crowd which, of course, left Felix with Ellen.
“No problem.” Felix thinks to himself. “I’m used to this I’ll be fine, who needs more friends anyway.”
Felix was not fine.
After a few days, the loneliness started to creep in, not even chatting on his favourite chat room, ‘Goths to a flame,’ with Ellen could lift it, and it only got worse the more time passed.
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A month in Felix broke. Deciding that if none of the boys will talk to him, he’ll just have to talk to them. Of course both Jake and Andy gave bad excuses as to why they couldn’t hang, but Felix held out hope for Sam as even before the alternate universe fiasco he was always nice to him, even when everyone else treated him like trash.
“Hey Sam wait up!” Felix yells through the hallways as he runs to try and catch his Friend.
“Oh, hey Felix what’s up?” Sam replies, looking around the corridor like he doesn’t want to be seen talking to the town freak.
“I was wondering if you and the guys wanted to come round my place after school? Maybe try out my new magic spell?” Felix says hopefully, praying that he’s mistaken and the three aren’t avoiding him.
“Aw, I would love to Felix but I can’t tonight, I got homework to do.” Sam stammers, he’s always been a terrible liar.
“That’s ok I understand, what about tomorrow then?” Felix questions with a sinking feeling in his chest that he already knows the answer.
Sam begins to fidget nervously, not meeting Felix’s gaze. “Yea, no can do.”
“So, both Jake and Andy don’t have time and now you don’t either, even when I specifically overheard you telling your brother that your going to be so board over the weekend because you have nothing to do? Did I get that right?” Felix say accusatorily at a shocked Sam, obviously not knowing that his convocation with his brother was overheard.
“Listen man I’m sorry it’s just.” Sam begins but is cut off by Felix letting out a loud huff.
“Save it, at least now I know where we stand.” Is the last thing Felix says before he’s walking away as fast as he can, pointedly ignoring Sam’s calls from behind him.
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Logically he knows what’s happening, having dealt with depression since his brother’s accident. He knows what it looks like when he begins to spiral. He knows he should reach out to someone, anyone for help, but he just can’t.
He can’t make himself stop pacing his room and go to his mum, who is just in the house to his right. He can’t put that worry on her, not again, no matter how bad it’s gotten this time, and it’s gotten bad, if the bottle of sleeping pills on his dresser is anything to go by.
His mind is screaming at him.
“Just take them.”
“It will solve all your problems.”
“No one will miss you.”
Felix clamps his hands over his ears, hoping to silence the voices, to no avail as they just get louder and louder.
“Do it.”
Do it!”
“DO IT!” The voices yell until Felix can’t hear anything besides the screaming in his head.
In a fit of desperation Felix lunges for the bottle full of little white pills and downs as many as he can before the voices stop.
In the quiet Felix looks down to the empty bottle in his hand, finally realizing what he’s done. His vision already beginning to swim.
“No turning back now.” Felix thinks as he sits down on his bed, reaching for his phone, knowing what he needs to do.
After setting his phone down on his bedside table Felix gets up on shaky legs and makes his way towards his bathroom, only being able to get a few steps inside the small room before his legs give out and his vison becomes black.
“I’m sorry.” Is the last thought Felix has before he’s swept away to unconsciousness.
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Sam is panicked. He’s skating down the road as fast as his board can take him in the direction of Felix’s house after receiving a very concerning text from the boy, the message seared into his brain as the wind howls around him.
I know you don’t want to hear from me anymore and I understand, it was my fault we got stuck in the other universe in the first place, who would want to be friends with someone like that let alone the freak of Bremin. I know you all must hate me and that's ok because I hate me too, but you don’t have to worry because you won’t have to deal with me anymore. I hope your lives are better off without me in it.
-Felix
Sam knows what that sounds like, knows what that could mean but his mind refused to go there.
“Felix is fine.” Sam whispers to himself as he turns the corner to Felix’s street.
“I’m worried about nothing; I’m going to get to his house and his overdramatic ass is going to be playing his electric guitar in his room like he usually does when he’s alone.” Sam convinces himself. Those words going out the window as he arrives to the Ferne residence at the same time as an equally worried Jake and Andy reach the house.
“Did you guys get the same text too?” Sam asks as he gets off his board and begins speed walking up their driveway to Felix’s room.
Both boys nod wordlessly, keeping pace with Sam’s speed. As they reach the goths room they knock on the glass door hoping to see an annoyed Felix coming to greet them, however they get no reply. With their worry only heightened, the three boys begin looking through the windows to try and catch a glimpse of the black-haired boy.
“I see him!” Andy yells as the two remaining boys run over to where Andy is looking, only to see Felix’s unmistakable form collapsed in the doorway to his bathroom.
“FELIX!” Sam yells as he and jake run over to the door and try to force it open, Andy calling 000 in the background.
After what feels like hours pulling on the door but in reality was only a minute the sliding door finally gives way, allowing the three terrified teenagers to rush to their friend’s aid.
“Felix can you hear me!” Jake yells as he makes it to their unconscious friend’s side, shaking him violently in an attempt to rouse him.
“Felix you need to wake up now ok, your scaring us.” Sam chokes out, holding in unshed tears as he looks down at his friend’s still body.
“An ambulance is on it’s way, let me have a look at him.” Andy all but demands, pushing Sam out of the way and begins to check Felix over.
“He has a pulse, a weak one but it’s there.” Andy exclaims to the boy’s delight.
“His breathing is week.” Andy continues as he pushes open the goth’s eyes. “And his pupils are blown, most likely from an overdose of something, Sam, Jake look around to try and find what he might have taken, it could help the paramedics treat him when they get here.”
Without any disagreement both boys begin their search for the culprit of their friend’s precarious situation. They don’t have to look for long before they find a bottle on the floor for prescription sleeping pills, only a few pills left in the bottle.
They can hear the sound of the sirens now, can’t be more than a few houses away thankfully, all three boys sigh in relief that their friend will soon be in the hands of professionals that actually know what to do.
“Jake, Sam, Andy. What are you three doing in Felix’s room?” They hear coming from the door’s threshold.
“Misses Ferne uh.” Sam chokes on his words, how do you tell a person’s mother that their son is dying right in front of them? Fortunately for Sam he doesn’t need to as at that moment Cathy notices her son’s crumpled form behind her sons friends.
“Felix!” Cathy yells as she rushes to her son’s side.
“No, no, no, no, not again. Felix honey I need for you to wake up for me.” Misses Ferne all but yells at her son, becoming more hysterical when he doesn’t respond to her plea.
“The ambulance is here!” Jake yells as two men in bright blue uniforms push their way into the too small space and begin shouting technical jargon at one another that only Andy can understand. As they lift Felix onto the stretcher and begin running towards their waiting ambulance, the three boys follow behind, wanting to keep an eye on their friend for as long as possible.
Just as Felix is the doors to the ambulance were about to close to whisk Felix and his distraught mother off to the hospital, a dreaded alarm can be heard, sending dread through everyone present.
“He’s going into cardiac arrest!” one of the men yell as he begins pumping their friends chest, trying to get a rhythm back.
“We have to go now!” The other yells as he slams the ambulance doors shut and races to the driver’s seat and speeds off towards the hospital.
The boys stand in the Ferne’s driveway for a while after the ambulance leaves, unsure of what to do next as they’ve never been in a situation like this before.
“I guess… we should go to the hospital to wait as well.” Jake all but whispers to the boys standing either side of him. Just then like a switch was flipped in Sam’s Brain, tears begin to cascade down his face accompanied by gut wrenching sobs that begin to wrack his body. Through his clouded vision he can feel Jake and Andy enclose him in a hug, feeling their own tears seeping into his shoulders.
“He’s going to be ok. Felix is going to be ok.” One of the boys say, none of them sure which one as they collect themselves and call for rides to the hospital.
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The small waiting room feels cramped as everyone waits nervously for news. Mr Ferne and Oscar arrived a few minutes after the boy’s parents drove them to the hospital, Ellen arriving not long after. According to Misses Ferne, Felix had ingested a large amount of sleeping pills which caused his heart to stop, they got his rhythm back but to be safe the doctors wanted to pump his stomach to get everything out which should hopefully stabilize the goth.
“This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this.” Oscar whispers once all the parents leave the room, leaving only the children in the room.
“What?” Jake replies, being the first one to find his voice after that shocking confection.
“Oscar no, they don’t need to know this.” Ellen states as she stairs sadly at the white wall.
“A few months after my accident.” Oscar continues, undeterred by Ellen’s statement. “I had just come home from the hospital, and I guess the guilt over what happened got to him.” Oscar takes a deep breath in the middle of his explanation, like the next part of the story was hard to tell.
“My dad found him in the bathroom with his wrists cut.” Oscar blurts out, causing everyone in the room to suck in a deep breath.
“Felix was put on antidepressants after that and was made to go to therapy, he was doing better and hadn’t had a sever episode in years, I though he was doing better.” Oscar all but weeps out the last part of his sentence as he bursts into tears over his brother, Ellen moving to cradle the sobbing boy in her arms to give some semblance of comfort.
“Why would he do this to us again.” Is the last thing Oscar can get out before he becomes overpowered by his tears.
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Light, overpowering light is the first thing Felix notices as his eyes open, a robotic beeping sound accompanying it.
“Ken, Ken! He’s waking up.” Felix hears through the mind fog that’s placed itself inside his brain.
“Felix, honey can you hear me.” Felix turns his head to the sound of the noise, only to be greeted by the sight of his tired but relieved parents.
“What?” Felix thinks as he tries to remember what happened. Suddenly all his memories come flooding back to him along with a deep feeling of misery over still being alive. Without warning, Felix bursts into tears, startling the other occupants of the room.
“You should’ve just let me die.” Felix chokes out. Causing the blabbering boys’ parents to look on in sadness as they grip their son’s cold hands.
“Don’t say that Love, we would never let that happen.” Felix’s mum whispers to him as she gently wipes away his falling tears.
“I don’t want to be here anymore.” Felix cries at his parents before shrugging off their caring hands so he can turn his body away from them, not being able to stomach their broken-hearted faces another second longer.
“Felix.” He hears his Mum whimper.
“Just leave me alone.” Is all he says in reply before he tunes out the world so he can wallow in his failure.
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The next day the doctors allow others beside his immediate family to visit Felix in the hospital. After receiving the news, the three boys rush to the hospital, wanting to apologize to their friend for being total idiots and ignoring him once they got home.
Once they get to the goth’s room, they freeze as they see the state of their friend. They don’t know what they were expecting him to look like, maybe he would look like he always does with his eyeliner and lip rings and start joking with them like usual, or maybe they thought Felix would look broken, unable to lift himself off the hospital bed. What they weren’t expecting to see was their friend, without makeup and without his signature lip rings, swimming in a loose-fitting hospital gown with massive bags under his eyes staring at nothing with a blank look on his face.
“Hey Felix.” Sam manages to get out after a minute of staring, startling their tired looking friend out of whatever trace he was under.
“Good to see you awake man you scared us.” Jake tries next after no response comes from the black-haired boy.
“Felix?” Andy asks, confused, as to why their friend isn’t looking at them let alone talking to them.
“Why are you here?” Felix asks after a few minutes of silence between them. Sam gets the feeling it was meant to come out sounding angry but, in his state, it only comes out sounding like a whine.
“What do you mean man were your friends we wanted to know you were ok.” Jake answers, giving a confused look towards the others.
“Don’t lie to me.” Felix whispers, barely audible.
“What? Felix, we couldn’t hear you.” Andy says back.
“I SAID DON’T LIE TO ME!” Felix yells as he turns his head to face the trio finally. “NONE OF YOU WANTED TO BE MY FRIEND THAT’S WHY YOU IGNORED ME EVERY CHANCE YOU GOT. I WAS TRYING TO MAKE YOUR LIVES EASIER!”
The outburst shocks the three to their core, in doing something so horrendous to himself Felix was trying to make their lives easier? The notion horrifies the boys.
Without thinking about what he’s doing. Sam lunges towards the bedridden boy, engulfing him in the biggest hug he’s ever given, shocking the yelling teen, causing him to burst into another round of heart wrenching sobs.
“We are so sorry we did that to you. We didn’t realize how bad we were acting towards you until it was almost too late but I can promise you we do want to be your friends.” Sam states into the taller boy’s hair causing more tears to fall from said boy as he grips onto the skater’s top harder.
After a few minutes Jake and Andy join the hug to comfort their friend, promising to be better friends from now on and in that moment Felix allows himself to be comforted by that thought, even if he doesn’t think it will last.