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“Ed, what are you doing?” Izzy’s only answer was a grunt from the man currently digging through crates in the hold. He nervously shifted his weight from one foot to the other, “I can help you look if you tell me what you’re looking for.”
Still no answer.
Izzy should probably just leave before he made things worse. They had been in the middle of a fight when Ed had abruptly turned and headed below deck. Izzy had stood there for a few uncomfortable moments, unsure, before he had followed him.
He hadn’t been trying to start a fight. His shoulders slumped. He never did intend to start a fight, but it seemed to happen frequently enough anyways. He lowered his eyes to the deck and muttered, “I’ll leave you to it, then.”
“Stay.”
Ed barked the order at him without even looking and it had his feet rooted to the spot. “Yes, captain.”
His voice came out small, defeated, and that did have Ed glance up at him. He kept his eyes on him for a moment before he went back to looking. “Tell me again what the problem is.”
“Ed-”
“Tell me.” The tone brooked no argument and Izzy’s shoulders went back as he gave an uncertain nod.
“You said you want to retire-”
“I want us to retire.”
Izzy’s brow furrowed, not sure what difference that made, why Ed would care what he did once he was gone. “I tried to find out where you wanted to go, and you said you didn’t care.” He bit his bottom lip and tried to think about what Ed’s point was. “You’re the one that wants to do this, but you aren’t even interested in making plans.”
“I just wanted your input, Iz. Wanted to know what you thought about it.”
Izzy squared his shoulders, they were getting better at talking to each other, and he knew he wasn’t wrong about this. “Retiring is supposed to be going home, I don’t know where that is for you. I can’t plan for something I don’t know.”
“Where is home for you, Iz?”
“I-” He hesitated, he hadn’t thought about it. Never thought about much besides being by Ed’s side. He tried not to think about what life would look like once Ed decided to leave him for good, to retire somewhere that he wouldn’t need his first mate anymore, not to help him run a ship. Not to keep his bed warm. “Here on the Queen Anne?” His voice lilted up at the answer, like he wasn’t sure. Ed nodded and went back to searching through the crates.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why is the Queen Anne home?”
You’re here . The words bounced around Izzy’s head but he kept quiet and scuffed his boot against the ground.
Ed glanced up at him when the silence stretched on, and then asked, “What if I don’t want to retire yet, what if I just want a different ship for a while? Would that one be home for you then, or would it still be the Queen Anne?”
“Suppose it would be the new ship.” Izzy squirmed, and added, “I’m sorry for upsetting you Edward, I know that you don’t want this life anymore. And I will do anything you ask, Captain, but asking me to decide where you’re going to go when you leave is… not fair.” It was as close as he could get to talking about his feelings, about the hurt and betrayal he couldn't shake at being asked to plan Ed leaving him .
“Aha!” Ed pulled something out of the crate he was searching through, but held it so Izzy couldn’t see. “You’re right about one thing, Iz. I do want to spend the rest of my life where I call home.”
“I understand Edward, but I don’t know where that is for you .” He crossed his arms nervously, a muscle in his jaw twitching. “What were you looking for?”
Ed moved closer to him, pressing into his space. “This shows where home is for me, Iz.” He handed over the item in his hands and Izzy took it automatically, turning it in his hands.
He glanced up at Ed and then back down, not understanding. He was holding a mirror, staring back at his own face in it. He didn't understand when Ed spoke in riddles like this. “This is a mirror, Ed.”
“Yup.”
“How-” Izzy let his breath out, and stared at his own face. “I don’t understand.”
“Home, Izzy. For me it’s right here.” He tapped the mirror and waited.
Izzy stared at it longer as understanding started to sink in, and he could feel his face flush. He darted his eyes up to Ed, trying to see if he was playing a trick on him. His gaze was met with calm reassurance, and though the thought of being so vulnerable made his stomach hurt he managed to whisper, “Me?”
Ed smiled and waited, giving Izzy a little go ahead motion.
Izzy blinked hard a few times, fighting the growing pressure behind his eyes, and his voice broke. “You mean, you’re saying,” he swallowed the lump in his throat, “I’m home for you?”
“Yes, Izzy.” Ed closed the distance between them and took the mirror from Izzy’s shaking hands. He reached up to wipe away one of the tears rolling down Izzy’s cheek.
“You aren’t going to leave me?”
Izzy fought the sob that wanted to escape as Ed shook his head and he pressed into his touch. Ed moved so he could cradle Izzy’s face in his hands, thumb gently swiping over the tattoo. Izzy trembled under his hands and he leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips. “I don’t care where we go. I don’t care what we do. Because whatever we decide as long as you are with me, I’m home.”
He couldn’t stop the sob at that, his breath hitching with it, and he wanted to tell Ed all the things that he felt, but words failed him. He stumbled over what he wanted to say, “Ed, you are… for me… for me you’ve always-” Another sob cut off his words and he was grateful when Ed shushed him and pulled him close, letting him tuck his face in against his neck.
“I know, Iz. I know .” Ed held him gently while he cried, soaking his shirt collar with tears, and he could feel a twin wetness on Ed’s face when he pressed his cheek against his temple. It soothed Izzy’s anxiety when Ed sounded just as overwhelmed as he felt. “I’m sorry Iz, I’ve never made it clear how much you mean to me, never actually said the words-”
“Don't need the words, do we?”
Because they didn’t. They took care of each other, protected each other, shared space and meals and thoughts. Shared a dream once, of Blackbeard and legends, and now they could share a different one. Of calm, of safety, of a softer future together.
Of Home.