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Raphael had never really been good with words, he knew that better than anyone. Sometimes there were things he wanted to say, but he could never express them in the way that he wanted.
So he got frustrated. And instead, let his fists do the talking for him. It was easier, for sure, but he also realized it put him at a distance from people. A distance he didn't realize was there until it was almost too late.
It didn't help that his brothers knew which buttons to press to set him off. Or maybe he was just making excuses for himself. After all, it was easier to let his fists do the talking. Right?
He wanted to change that. He needed to change that. His family was all that he had, literally. And if he lost them…
He'd rather not think about it.
Okay. First things first, he needed to keep his temper under control.
Don't lash out at your brothers, don't yell at them.
Meditate.
He could do that. It took a while, but he could do it. More importantly, his brothers seemed to have taken notice, which was nice. It meant he was doing something right.
Now, his true goal with this whole ordeal was to have a Talk(™).
More specifically, he wanted to have a talk with the eldest about what happened between them two years ago.
He doubted Leo even remembered that night, but it's been weighing on his mind a lot, especially recently. He needed to get it off his chest otherwise he felt like it would haunt him forever.
So he sought out his brother. It was a quiet evening, there had been no crimes to take care of up on the surface. Splinter was watching his TV shows, Mikey was busy playing video games, and Donnie, as always, was working on some new tech. Leo, ever the restless one, was off training alone in the dojo.
Now was as good a time as any, he supposed.
He watched the leader in blue for a bit, following his movements with his eyes. The bamboo sword cutting through the air rang through the dojo, accompanied by grunts of effort from his brother.
Raph decided to kneel by the sidelines and wait. He knew how much Leo hated getting interrupted during his katas and he needed his brother to be in a good mood for this.
So he waited.
He could tell Leo has been going at this for a while, sweat was starting to gather on his scales. He had no doubt he wanted to go at it all evening if nothing interrupted him.
Unfortunately, Raph was here. Still, he knew his brother well enough to know he wouldn't mind it either.
Leo straightened up and faced him as he put the bamboo sword back in its spot, panting from his exercise once he was done with a set.
"Sorry, Raph. Did you want to use the dojo?"
"No." came his short reply.
Leo only looked confused at that. "Um… okay. Then why are you here?"
Raph didn't answer immediately. He came here with a goal, but now that he was face to face with it, he was getting nervous.
It seemed to be rubbing off on his brother as well. "Raph, you're, uh, kinda freaking me out here. Usually, when you're quiet, you're mad, and uh…"
Oh, right. He's been learning to control his temper, or at least keep it at bay by staying quiet. His bad.
He quickly shook his head. "Uh, no, it's fine. I'm fine. I'm not mad."
His brother didn't look convinced. "Are you sure?"
"Yes!" He closed his eyes with a sigh, taking a moment to meditate. "Yes, Leo. I'm sure."
Raph got back up on his feet, hardening his expression as he faced the eldest brother. Leo looked to be reserved himself, probably because of his outburst. He still had some work to do, it seemed.
"I… wanted to talk."
The other was taken aback by that and it was clear to anyone with a brain that he tried to not let it show. Raph didn't bother pointing it out.
Leo awkwardly cleared his throat, straightening his posture to restore some of his dignity. "T—Talk about what?"
Raph crossed his arms if only to hide how tense he got.
"I wanted to talk. Just the two of us. If—If that's okay with you."
He started avoiding eye contact and if Leo noticed how he didn't answer the question, he didn't point it out.
There was a long moment of silence where Raph felt like running off from the sheer nervousness he felt. But he stood his ground and his brother eventually spoke up like he thought he would.
"Okay. Sure, we can talk. Let's, um, go to my room. It's the closest one here."
Raph followed his brother's lead like he's been doing for the past couple of years. It felt almost therapeutic in a way if it wasn't for the fact he was planning to dig up old wounds.
Leo held the door open for him once they arrived and he quietly entered. Somehow this room looked even dorkier than he remembered with the superhero posters and Japanese decorations hanging on the walls.
He heard the door close behind him and he turned to see his older brother watching him with a worried look.
"What is it, Raph?"
Again, he didn't answer. He swore he had a speech ready before coming here, how he was going to bring up their fight and everything. But that all seemed to have flown out the window now that he was standing here.
"I…"
"How about some tea?"
Raph frowned. "What?"
"I know tea isn't really your thing," Leo answered with a shrug. "But I find it helps calm my nerves."
The musclehead blinked, a bit taken aback by the suggestion. But when he thought of it, it didn't sound so bad.
"Um… yeah. Yeah, tea… tea sounds great."
"I'll be right back. Go ahead and make yourself comfortable." Leo said with a gesture to the room before he left.
Raph decided to take him up on that offer and sat down on a desk chair. He pushed a pen back and forth on the accompanying desk while he waited, the silence heavy on his body.
He nearly jumped when Leo returned with a tray in hand. His brother smiled awkwardly at him.
"I don't remember if you took sugar or milk to your tea, so I brought both. Just in case."
Raph watched as Leo put the tray down on the other end of the desk and put a cup down for him. His brother grabbed the teapot and even poured it for him and now Raph had no clue what to do with himself.
Leo put the teapot back down and grabbed a small bowl that had a teaspoon in it. "Sugar?"
"Just… one," he said without thinking.
His brother just nodded and put in the requested amount. He grabbed the small pitcher with milk and held it up with a questioning look. Raph shook his head.
The other put the pitcher back down and poured a cup of tea for himself before he moved to sit down on the bed. Leo was watching him, he knew that much. He was too busy inspecting a poster on the wall to see it though, but he could sense the gaze. He swore he could almost feel the side of his head getting holes bored into it from the stare.
"So," Leo said softly. "What did you want to talk about?"
Raph exhaled deeply, his leg bouncing in place. His grip on the cup was tight as if it could somehow save him from this situation he had put himself in.
He wished it could.
"I'm… sorry about earlier." Not really what he meant to say, but here we are. "I… didn’t mean to raise my voice."
"It's fine, it was my fault. I shouldn't have pushed you."
Raph looked up at his brother only to be met with a smile. He quickly looked away.
"I doubt you brought me in here to talk about that though."
"Hmph. Ever the insightful one, huh." That had more bite to it than intended, but he was sure Leo knew he meant nothing by it.
He… hoped he did.
He sighed. Now was not the time to get lost in minor things. He came here to talk.
He just needed to open his mouth and say it. His brother was sitting right there, waiting for him.
How he had the patience to wait this long was beyond Raph. It did help though, somehow.
He was doing it again; getting lost in minor things.
Just.
Say.
It.
"Do you… remember our fight? Two years ago?"
He exhaled. He did the first step. Now he just needed to do the rest.
"Um… you have to be a bit more specific than that, Raph. We… used to get into a lot of fights."
"Right. Um…" He vaguely gestured with his hand. "The night you, um, caught me… parading as the Nightwatcher."
"Oh." Leo's voice was thick with recognition and all Raph did was nod to himself. "Yeah, I remember that. I… doubt I would ever forget."
"Yeah, yeah." He waved him off and rubbed the back of his head, still fighting to keep his nerves in check.
He decided to take a quick sip of his tea and while he wasn't a fan of the taste, it at least gave him something to do.
"Listen, Raph." Leo leaned forward, resting his elbows atop his knees. "I… can see you're trying hard here. And—And I appreciate it. But… I just want you to know that whatever is on your mind," The eldest gestured vaguely at him. "You know you can tell me. I'm your brother."
Raph let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding, slowly nodding his head.
"Right. Um… We… said some things. That night."
A glance towards his brother told him that he was listening, seemingly nodding to himself.
"You… said some things. It's…" He paused, grinding his teeth against each other. "You said you were better than me and it… it…"
Raph closed his eyes shut, fighting back against the emotions that threatened to bubble up.
"Okay." Leo caught his attention and he watched as his brother drank his tea. "And?"
He was so bewildered, it took a long moment for the words to register.
"And?" Raph said in disbelief, frowning. "And?" He slammed the cup down on the desk, not caring if he spilled anything. "I'm trying to pour my heart out here for you and that's all you have to say?!"
"Woah, woah!" Leo held his hands up, careful not to spill anything. Cause of course he made sure of that when there were more important things at hand. "Where is this coming from all of a sudden? I'm—I'm just trying to understand what's going on!"
"That's your problem!" Raph shot up from his seat, glaring his brother down. "You think you're so goddamned perfect all the time that you think you don't make any mistakes! Ever!"
"Raph, calm down!"
"No!! I—I've tried to be patient, I tried! You never try!"
"I'm patient all the time—"
"That's not what I mean! I— Ugh!!" Raph threw his hands up in the air. "That's another thing! You never listen!"
"What do you mean I don't listen? You're yelling at the top of your lungs!"
"Shut up! Shut up!"
"Don't you tell me—"
"YOU HURT ME!"
"I— What?" Leo looked to be in disbelief, but Raph didn't have time to worry about that. He had things to say.
"You hurt me when you left for that damned jungle and you hurt me when you chose to stay away! Y—You hurt me when you stopped writing those stupid letters! At least with the letters, we knew you were okay, but you—you— You just stopped!"
Somehow he felt winded from that charade. And Leo looked as dumbfounded as ever. But he was far from over.
"And you hurt me when you said you were better than me because— BECAUSE!" Raph shouted to be sure Leo couldn't interrupt him like Raph knew he wanted to. "You made it sound like you didn't need me!"
There. It was out in the open and Raph felt both relieved and like it wasn't enough at the same time. He felt like a mess.
He angrily wiped his tears away and forced back a sob as he stomped his way to the door.
Leo was beyond dumbfounded. When Raph had said he wanted to talk, he didn't expect this. But seeing Raph cry, something he rarely did, told him his brother was being serious.
And said brother was leaving before they could even sort out this mess. "Raph, wait!"
He followed the younger brother out of his room, tailing him as Leo pleaded. "Raph! Raph, don't walk out on me like this! I— Raph, please. Raph!"
All he was met with was a slam of Raph's bedroom door right in his face. He didn't hear the lock being set in place, so technically he could barge in if he wanted to and demand answers. But he'd respect his brother's privacy.
So he knocked on the door.
"Raph, I…" He sighed. What was he supposed to say? That he was sorry? He doubted his brother would listen to that.
Leo rested his head on the wooden door. What was he supposed to do? Get on his knees and plead for forgiveness? That would be ridiculous, things weren't that serious.
He turned on his heel and leaned back against the door, gazing at nothing in particular while he thought back to what happened barely a minute prior.
He frowned and shook his head at himself. There was no way any of what Raph said could be true. Okay, that may have been an exaggeration. But he listened! It was all he did, especially when Mikey complained about the lair being too cold cause the air conditioner broke or when Donnie started ranting about some science project of his.
He listened!
Didn't he?
He sighed heavily. What did Raph say? Or rather, what exactly would make him say things like that? They weren't exactly kids anymore, there would be no reason for his brother to throw a temper tantrum like that. Not unless he was genuinely mad about something.
Or…
"Hurt." He murmured the word without realizing it and he quickly shook his head.
No, couldn't be. It was just another thing Raph would say to get under his skin.
Right?
Leo ran a hand over his head and rested it on his neck.
It had to be, Raph said many things to get under his skin all the time. It was kind of their thing.
Right?
He exhaled shakily and closed his eyes.
What if he was wrong?
He didn't want to be, he couldn't be wrong. He was the oldest, the leader. It was on his shoulders to lead his team not only to victory but to also make sure everyone got out of every mission safely.
He stopped his thoughts there before they could derail further.
That was on missions. Raph wasn't talking about missions. He didn't even talk about his leadership when he thought about it. Did he? Now Leo wasn't so sure.
He could easily open the door behind him and demand answers from his younger brother. But he had a feeling Raph didn't want to see him right now and he did want to collect more information before confronting his brother again.
So he pushed himself off the door and put one foot in front of the other. Time to find his other brothers.
He found the youngest at one of their many gaming consoles, playing some game he didn't recognize.
"Mikey," he called out, shuffling on his feet a few times. "Can I ask you something?"
"Hmm? Leo? Eh, be with you in a sec!"
All Leo could do was watch as Mikey tapped away on the buttons, his foot tapping the ground in impatience.
"Sorry about that." Mikey finally seemed to have paused the game and turned his head to look at him. "Whassup, dude?"
"Do you— Um." He frowned to himself, gesturing vaguely with his hands. "How do I say this? Um… Have you ever felt like I don't listen to you?"
"Uh… What?" His brother shrugged slowly, looking quite perplexed. "Um, I don't know. Sometimes, I guess. Why?"
Leo's eyes widened in disbelief and he was about to protest, listing all the times he's listened to Mikey complain or talk about the latest comic book.
Instead, he groaned in frustration and he didn’t know if he wanted to punch a wall or strangle someone right now. He opted for neither.
"Um, Leo, are you—"
"Okay, great! Thank you!" he said quickly through gritted teeth and left to find his last brother without another word.
"Donnie!"
Whatever the genius was working on didn't seem to have his full attention as Donatello immediately turned around in his office chair to face him.
"Leo? What seems to be the matter?"
The leader decided to cut right to the case. "Have you ever felt like I don't listen to you?"
Donnie appeared just as confused as Mikey did moments earlier. Leo didn't bother explaining himself.
"I, um… What— How exactly do you mean? You have to be a bit more specific."
"Like…" Leo clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, shrugging his shoulders. "Um… Have you ever tried to tell me something or, um… Maybe you wanted to get a point across and I didn't listen?"
"Oh. That's… hmm." Donnie glanced off to the side, seemingly focused on nothing in particular as he thought things over. "Eh… yeah. Sometimes." he finally said with a shrug.
"Fuck!"
Donnie jumped when Leo kicked some random object on the ground. The leader didn't have time to worry about if he just kicked something important as he rushed over to the dojo.
"What? Leo, what's going on? Leoー"
Leo ignored Donnie in the end and his brother seemed to catch the hint.
He grabbed one of the bamboo swords and started doing his routine as he did earlier. Only this time, he couldn’t get the movements right, which only frustrated him more.
What did his brothers mean he didn’t listen? He listened! He listened to Mikey’s silly rants about the latest comic book series, he listened to Donnie’s speech about quantom-whatever it was called. And Raphー didn’t talk much, admittedly, he was either quiet or angry.
His brothers would tell him if there was something wrong with his leadership. Wouldn’t they?
He stopped mid-swing. He ignored how his grip on the handle was loose and shaky.
He violently shook his head. Of course they would, he was just being paranoid. It had to be, there was no way his brothers didn’t want to confide in him.
And what of the off-chance that they didn't? What then?
He would have failed them.
Failure was not an option for him.
It was fine.
Everything was fine.
Leonardo threw the bamboo sword in a random direction and glared at the ground, fists clenched by his sides.
Except his brothers didn't seem to think so.
He screamed out in frustration and moved to topple over one of the weapons stands in the dojo. He didn't pay any mind to how everything clattered on the ground and created an awful lot of noise.
He started pacing, running his hands over his head while his breathing grew heavy.
He couldn't fail them, he couldn't afford to fail them. What would their sensei think?
He had made his way to another weapons stand and eyeing it as if the object had committed a great sin towards him, he finally toppled it over.
"Raphael, what are youー Leonardo?"
The turtle nearly fell out of his shell in shock and he looked up to see his father watching him with concern.
A glance towards the mess he's made in the dojo made him realize just what he'd been doing.
"I, umー Sensei, sorry, I was…" Words caught themselves in his throat and he found himself too ashamed to finish the sentence. "Sorry, I'll… clean up right away."
He swiftly moved to put the stand back up before he put each weapon back in its spot.
There was quiet for a while and the only thing you could hear was Leo organizing the mess he made.
"Leonardo." his father called out softly.
He kept working, not even bothering to look up.
"Leonardo!"
The telltale sound of his father's cane hitting the ground let him know he had gone too far in ignoring him and Leo straightened up almost immediately.
"Yー" He cleared his throat after his voice cracked. "Yes, sensei."
"What is bothering you, my son?"
"Nothing," he answered a bit too quickly.
Splinter only raised an eyebrow at him and then looked around the mess around them. Then he looked back at Leo.
Leo only glanced to the side for a moment, pressing his lips into a thin line.
"Leonardo, have a seat."
He did as told even though a part of him wanted to protest. He knew in the end, he wouldn't be able to, so he kneeled on the ground while his father walked up to him.
He watched the floor with great interest, trying to count the number of lines he could see.
He always lost it at four or five lines since he had no way of keeping track of which lines he's already counted.
"My son. Something is bothering you."
Leo stayed quiet, still refusing to look up at his father.
Splinter sighed. "You know you can tell me. I won't judge you."
"There's… nothing bothering me. Sensei."
His father hummed and things got silent between them. The seconds passed and eventually, Leo looked up at the rat.
All he was met with was a patient look, one without judgment.
It was enough to break his heart.
"Iー" He quickly looked away, clenching his hands on his lap. "I…" He blinked rapidly a few times, thinking back to today's events.
"I think I…" He took in a deep breath, his body tense from what he was about to say. "I think… I failed my team. NーNo, I… I failed my brothers. I…"
He lowered his head, closing his eyes as he fought to keep in tears. "I failed you, sensei."
"What makes you say that, my son?" Splinter's voice was too soft, too understanding. It made Leo want to hit himself.
"I.. It's…" How was he supposed to explain it? How could he tell his father that he failed in the one task he was given in life?
"My son," Splinter said as he put a hand on his shoulder and Leo looked up with a torn look. His father only smiled at him. "You have always carried the world on your shoulders. It's admirable, to want to protect your fellow man. But you must understand that you alone can only carry a burden so heavy for so long."
"But I…"
"No matter what happened," his father interrupted him, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I'm sure you only did your best. And that's all anyone can ask of you."
"But…" Leo sighed, hanging his head once more. "According to my brothers… I don’t lーlisten to them and I… I don't understand! Like who sits through Mikey’s rants about all his stupid heroes? That's me! Not to mention when Donnie gets excited and starts listing all the, I don't knowー variants ofーofー rocks! And any time Raph gets angry, somehow it's always my fault even though I did nothing!"
Splinter hummed in acknowledgment, removing his hand to rest it on his cane.
"What's his deal with me anyway?" he continued, gesturing with his hands as he spoke. "We were having a nice, calm conversation, we even had tea! And he just explodes on me!"
He mimicked an explosion with his arms to emphasize his point. Splinter only watched him with an unreadable expression.
"Out of nowhere as well! Can you believe it? I mean, of course, you can, it's Raph. I thought he had gotten better at controlling his anger, but I guess I was wrong."
"You claim he did it out of nowhere."
"Uh, yeah. Weren't you just listening to what I said?"
Splinter frowned and somehow Leo felt like he did something wrong even though he had no idea what.
"Did it ever occur to you," his father said with a tilt of his head and in that tone of voice he hated to hear. That tone suggested he knew something Leo didn't and it angered him. He knew Splinter was older, wiser, and better at words than he would ever be, but he was trying his best here!
…it wasn't Splinter's fault he was a failure.
It was his.
"...Leonardo!"
Said turtle snapped out of his thoughts and looked up at his master.
"Iー Sorry, sensei. I…" He had no excuse. "Sorry."
Splinter only sighed, gently shaking his head. "Allow me to ask you again. Did it ever occur to you that Raphael might be angry for a reason?"
Leo only blinked in response, feeling confused at that statement.
"FーFor a reason?" he echoed, chuckling lightly. "No. It's Raph we're talking about. He always gets angry."
Splinter frowned once more and appeared to want to say something, but stopped himself. He even closed his eyes and started taking deep breaths, something he only did when he was angry.
Again, Leo didn't understand why his father would be angry, least of all now of all times.
"WーWhat?" he finally asked when he felt the silence stretch on for too long.
"Leonardo," he said in a much too stern voice and Leo felt like he was being put on the spot again, but he still didn't know why. "I would hope that I have raised you better than to not listen to your brothers when they need it."
"I do listen! IーI just told you!"
"Very well," Splinter was not at all convinced if his tone of voice was anything to go by. Leo hated it. "What did he say then?"
"Heー You know, the usual."
"And what would that be?"
Leo groaned in frustration and rolled his eyes as he crossed his arms. "You know. Getting mad. He… Well… He said something about…"
The seconds were stretching on for too long and what Donnie and Mikey said started echoing in his mind.
Do you feel like I don't listen to you?
Sometimes, I guess. Why?
Eh, yeah. Sometimes.
He clenched his hands tight in his lap as he felt his anxiety rise. Why could he remember what Donnie and Mikey said, but he couldn't recall what Raph said? All he knew was that it was not related to his leadership, he would remember that.
"He…" Leo's breathing started quickening and without realizing it, he looked to his father for guidance.
Splinter only hummed, turning on his heel to leave the dojo. "I hope you know what you must do now."
"Wait, sensei!" Leo got up on his feet, nearly pleading with his father. "What am I supposed toーto do? I don't…"
"You're 20 years old, my son," Splinter replied without looking back. "You can't possibly expect me to hold your hand through every problem you have."
"That's notー I don'tー"
And he was left to his own devices. The silence was deafening.
Was this truly the kind of person he was? A brother and a son who didn’t listen to his family? When did it happen?
How long had it been going on without his knowledge? How could it even happen to begin with? He was the eldest, the leader, the one who was supposed to look after them all!
And he failed them.
He didn't know when it happened, but he failed them all.
The crushing weight of failure overwhelmed his body and he fell to his knees, closing his eyes tight.
It wasn’t enough to bring him to tears, even though a part of him wanted to. Oh, did he want to.
He eventually got back up on his feet and finished cleaning up the mess he made earlier. All the while, his mind raced with thoughts of how to make things better.
No. Not better. Right. He had to make things right.
At the end of the day, that's all it was. He made a mistake and he had to correct it. Just like when he messed up a kata!
Except this was much more serious than a kata and he couldn't correct it by simply trying again. Right?
He couldn't just try again. Could he? He felt like things needed something… more for it to count, although he wasn't sure what.
He sighed, resting his head against the cool metal of the weapons stand. He supposed he had no other option. His father refused to lend a hand and he was sure both Mikey and Donnie would say the same.
So… he would try again.
This plan wasn't exactly well thought out, but it was the only thing he had to go with at the moment and so he would.
Hardening his expression, he appeared more confident than he, although his determination was strong.
And he took the dreaded path towards Raph's, the travel feeling much longer than it was.
He stopped short in front of the wooden door and he took in a deep breath, raising his hand. He froze for a moment before he forced himself to knock once, twice, thrice.
"Raph? Are you in there? It'sーIt's me."
As expected, he got no response.
"Look," He gave a sigh, turning to the side as he started fiddling with a nail. "If you are in there, I… I guess I just wanted… I don’t know. I don't even know what I came here for."
Almost as soon as those words left him, he frowned. "No. No, I… I know what, I just…"
He took in another deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to say.
"I realized I was a shitty brother. I am a shitty brother. And I… I don't know how orーor when that happened, but IーI talked to Mikey and Donnie andーand they said the same and… well, they didn't say exactly that, I… I just realized I started rambling. Um…"
He rubbed his hands against each other in a circular motion and his heart clenched with the regret he felt.
"My point is, I guess I… really don'tー listen to you guys, like everyone said and… and…"
Leo quickly wiped his eyes when he felt tears sting them and he forced himself to straighten his posture, fighting to keep the tears at bay.
"I don't… remember what you got mad about and IーI realize now that might have been why you got angry and I… I'm sorry."
He couldn't fight the tears this time and he kept wiping them even though it was futile as more gathered on his cheeks.
"I'mーI'm sorry for being a shitty brother andーand… I'm sorry for not lーlistening to you." God, he hated his voice when he was crying. He sounded so pathetic, he almost wished Raph wasn't in his room right now so he couldn't see what a mess he was. "I never… meant to, I…"
He felt too vulnerable, too weak, he was weak, useless, a failureー
He turned to jog back to his room to recover, hoping against hope that no one would catch him.
Except someone did - literally.
A pair of strong arms grabbed him from behind, holding him in place and he'd been hugged enough times by those very same arms to know who it was.
"Raph? Iー Please let go…" He tried to pry himself off, but his brother only tightened his grip.
"Thank you." Raph's deep voice said against his shell and the words alone was enough to freeze him on the spot.
"WーWhat? What are you thanking me for, I've been an asshole, IーI…"
"You said you forgot, but… I think you finally listened to me. So… thank you."
"No, I…" Fresh tears gathered in his eyes, and he didn’t fight against the hug in fear of Raph seeing him in this state. "I failed you, I failed everyoneー"
"Wouldn’t be a first."
"...what?"
If Leo didn't know better, he'd almost say Raph sounded amused when he spoke next. "I don't know where you got this idea from, but you're not as perfect as you think. You've made many mistakes, brother."
Leo wanted to protest, to claim that he hadn't, and if he did, he always made sure to correct themー That was, until Raph made him turn around and he was met with a warm smile and forgiving eyes.
It was more than he deserved.
He quickly looked away, but his brother gently grabbed his face and made him look at him and Leo choked up from trying, and failing, to hold back tears.
"Hey," Raph said softly and it broke his heart all over again. "You know I love you no matter what, right? Even when you're being an idiot."
Leo closed his eyes shut tight and he didn’t fight back this time when Raph rested his forehead against his.
"I love you, Leo. No matter how many mistakes you make, I'll still love you. That's what family's for, after all."
He had to chuckle at that, weak it may have been, and he looked at Raph through teary eyes, sniffling quietly.
"Since when did you get so sappy?" he said in a teasing tone.
"Oh, shut it, moron!" Raph replied in a similar teasing tone and lightly kicked his shin, making both of them laugh.
After they calmed down a bit, Leo wrapped his arms tight around the shorter turtle, burying his beak into his neck. Raph seemed surprised at first, but quickly returned the hug.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled against the scales, tightening the hug further. If it bothered Raph, he didn't complain. "I promise to do better."
"Promise is a strong word, big bro." Raph said softly, tightening the hug as well. Leo had trouble breathing, but he didn't complain. "I'll make sure you keep it. I'll beat you if you don't."
Leo chuckled weakly. That's Raph for you, somehow turning a sweet moment into a threat. He wouldn't have it any other way.
"Sure thing, Raph."
He doesn't know how long they stood there, but they kept hugging for a while till they felt like any bad blood between them had drained out. Leo sniffled quietly from the crying he did earlier and wiped at his eyes even though the tears had dried.
Someone cleared their throat somewhere behind him and Leo nearly jumped out of his shell in shock.
"Jesus fucking Christ! Mikey!" Raph exclaimed, and while Leo wouldn't curse, he felt his brother spoke for the both of them. "You scared the living shit out of me!"
"Language, Raph."
Mikey waved his hand about, donned with an apron as he watched the two with a frown. He must have been cooking. "Yeah, yeah. I came to say dinner's ready, but you two took so long with your heart to heart, it might as well have gotten cold by now!"
"Wait," Leo said, feeling his cheeks flush from embarrassment. "HーHow long have you been standing there?"
"Too long!" Mikey exclaimed as he threw his arms up in the air. "I even made my famous risotto meal, but if you two keep lolli-gagging around, you won't get any." With that, he stomped off.
Leo looked to Raph and he seemed to be doing the same to him. Raph rolled his eyes. "Famous to who? The only ones who've actually tried it besides us are April and Casey."
Leo chuckled, shrugging. "I don't know, but I'm not risking having to order pizza when it's risotto night. Race ya!" And with that, Leo ran off.
"Whaー Hey, no fair! Say, when did this even become a race?!"
Leo only laughed as he heard his brother try to catch up.
It may take a while, and he felt he may trip and fall along the way. But Leo had a feeling that no matter how many times he failed, whether it was in training or family affairs, his brothers would be there for him.
Maybe one day, he'd be kind enough to himself to truly believe he could be imperfect and he'd be enough even with those flaws.
One day.