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Peter was sweating bullets. He had been planning to tell Jason for ages, right as they got close, but he had continually chickened out, worried about Jason’s reaction. He was completely enamoured with Jason, and anything that could jeopardise that relationship scared Peter to his core. He knew, however, that this wasn’t something he could ignore forever. He knew that Jason knew he was hiding - it was obvious in how he always cut off any physical contact before it went too far, how he refused to take off his shirt in front of him, or in front of anyone else, for that matter, how he froze whenever Jason’s hand brushed over his chest, and how he always sounded stilted talking about his childhood.
He had excused it all away by saying he was insecure about his body, which wasn’t too far off the truth in all honesty, but he knew he’d have to come clean to the boy who he was sure was his first real love, even after only five months. He had to tell Jason he was trans.
It was terrifying, though. Jason had a difficult enough time accepting the fact he was gay, would Peter being trans be too far for him? Or, even worse, would Jason start seeing him as a girl in an attempt to rationalise his relationship with Peter in relation to his Catholic upbringing? Peter had grown up Catholic too, it was probably the reason his father, if he could even dignify him with such a title, had left his mother when Peter was eight and had started expressing his discomfort with being a girl, beyond just his love of Spiderman and hatred of dresses as a toddler. Their Catholic upbringings was one of the things that brought Jason and Peter together, with them both being able to relate to the Catholic homophobia that made accepting their own queerness difficult enough.
Peter shook his head. Enough was enough, it was time for him to tell Jason. In the haze of his anxiety, his stomach churning, he held onto the hope that Jason would accept him as a man after he came out to him, and reminded himself that if Jason wouldn’t love him despite being trans, he wouldn’t be worthy of Peter’s love. Peter reminded himself that love and acceptance were a two-way street, and Peter couldn’t accept and love Jason if Jason didn’t accept and love him.
Hands trembling, Peter picked up his phone and called Jason.
“Hey Peter,” Jason said, replying after only one ring
“Hey… could you meet me in the drama classroom?” Peter replied. He knew his voice had a bit of a tremble to it, and he knew Jason would pick up on it.
“Are you ok? Do you need my help?”
Jason had certainly picked up on Peter’s anxiety, the shakiness in his voice setting off alarm bells.
“I’m… I’m fine. I’m not in trouble or anything, I just need to talk.”
There was a pause, a beat of silence, punctured only by Jason’s shaky, shallow breaths.
“Wait, I’m not breaking up with you!” Peter added, understanding just a little too late what Jason had assumed he meant. Jason let out a sigh, presumably of relief.
“Oh, thank God. Is it urgent? I’m kind of in the middle of practice.”
“Shit. I forgot you were busy. It’s not urgent, no, just meet me here as soon as you’re done.”
Peter could practically hear Jason’s warm smile, the one he reserved for Peter and no one else as he replied, “Ok. See you then.”
Peter felt hollow as he removed his phone from his ear. Would he run out of courage in the 10 minutes until Jason’s practice was over, or in the 5 minutes it’d take for him to make it to the drama room? No, he knew that Jason wouldn’t let him drop the topic since he’d made such a big thing out of it. Besides, Jason would be worried if he didn’t tell him what he planned to, and Peter couldn’t do that to him.
Peter paced as he waited, the minutes passing agonisingly slowly, the ticking of the clock on the wall seemingly laughing at him, at his misfortune, until the clock hit 4:48 and, two minutes before schedule, Jason appeared in the doorway. He had clearly run to the drama room, his face still red and his breathing heavy. Jason looked Peter in the eye and immediately made his way over to the table Peter sat on once he saw the look in his eyes, reminiscent of a deer in headlights, making sure to close the door first.
“Are… you ok? No, that’s a stupid question, you’re clearly not. Did something happen?” Jason’s voice was gentle, the way it only ever was when Peter stopped Jason when they came too close to undressing and Peter would freak out.
“Nothing happened. I just… need to come clean. I’ve been hiding something from you, and I need to tell you.”
“I kind if figured there was something you weren’t telling me, if I’m honest. Are you sure you’re ready to tell me?” Peter was struck by just how patient Jason seemed to be willing to be. He knew he had to tell Jason now, before he could lose his nerve and back out like he did countless other times.
“Yeah. I’m sure. But you need to promise you won’t tell a single soul about this. And, also… please don’t break up with me for this, ok?”
“Um… ok. And I promise I won’t tell anyone, not even Nadia. I promise on her life, since this seems to really matter to you.” Peter smiled weakly at that, touched by how seriously Jason was taking this. It must have been obvious just how much this meant to Peter if it meant Jason’ usual jock persona could take a back seat.
“Ok,” peter exhaled, “I’m… I’m trans.”
Peter braced for the impact, half-expecting Jason’s face to be contorted in disgust, or anger. Instead, Jason simply said, “I hate to ask this, but, um, which way are you trans?”
Peter simply laughed, something he didn’t know he was capable of doing in such a terrifying situation, and said “I’m a trans man, so I was born a girl but I’m actually a guy.”
“So, like… FTM?” Jason said, very clearly out of his depth, but his love for Peter and his desire to understand him evident on his face.
“Yeah. That’s right!” Peter replied, a beaming smile breaking out on his face, partially out of surprise that Jason even knew that term, partially out of sheer relief Jason didn’t seem to have a negative reaction to the news, and partially out of love for Jason, and just how wonderful he was despite his own issues.
“I love you either way, you know. You’re not any less of a man to me, even if you used to be a girl. And, um, thanks for telling me. The fact you were clearly hiding something was kind of eating up at me.” Jason replied, punctuating his last sentence with a small laugh and a sudden break in eye contact.
Peter felt his throat start to prickle and his eyes start to get wet, something that hadn’t happened much since he had started taking testosterone the previous year. Before he knew it, he was crying, his face scrunched up in a way he knew wasn’t attractive but couldn’t bring himself to care about around Jason and fat tears rolling down his cheeks. “Did I do something wrong? I’m really, really sor-“ Jason began before abruptly being interrupted by Peter kissing him. Peter quickly pulled away and laughed before replying “No, you responded perfectly. I’m just ridiculously grateful I have you. Thank you.”
The two boys then hugged tightly before they kissed, too high on their love to be worried about being walked in on like they’d usually be. They were closer than they had ever been, and Peter felt lighter than he had in a long time, the weight of uncertainty lifted off of his shoulders. He had lost a lot of his faith from the transphobia and homophobia he’d been exposed to in the church, but in that moment, he thanked God for bringing him such a wonderful boy to love and for the beauty inherent in transness, that he was lucky enough to experience. For maybe the first time in his life, he was grateful he was trans, a self-made man, even if he did face a lot of hardship in his life because of it; if he wasn’t trans, he’d never have experienced such a beautiful moment, and he thought it was worth all the suffering it came with.