Chapter Text
November, 1997
"Come on Hermione put on my scarf or you'll get sick, I can't believe you forgot it again"
"Come on Mione hurry up put down that book and drink this. I just made it"
"It's snowing look how beautiful it is"
"Come here my love I'll keep you warm"
"I want to see the snowflakes get stuck in your hair"
Hermione, drink, snow, warm, hair....
Hermione, snow, warm...
Hermione...
Hermione...
Hermione...
"Hermione" said someone shaking the brunette slightly "Come on, get up. You'll be late."
"Ginny" the girl murmured sleepily with her eyes still clouded by sleep and her mind confused by sweet memories
"No Hermione." The redhead replied sweetly "I'm Lily"
"Mo... Lily?" were the confused words that left the youngest's lips as she suddenly rose from the bed.
The girl in front of her, despite her red hair and freckles, wasn’t her Ginny. She didn't have her warm brown eyes, she didn't smile mischievously, she didn't wear a quidditch shirt too big for her small frame.
"Yes" she said with a slight smile on her face.
Hermione stood there looking at her without speaking for endless minutes.
How could someone look so much like one of her dearest friends and yet be so different at the same time.
Where brown was replaced by green, mischief by curiosity, where a quidditch shirt was replaced by a well-ironed white shirt.
How could home ever be replaced by a face seen only in photos that had always belonged more to time than to her.
"Hermione?" Lily asked again with a hint of concern in her voice "Are you okay? I can accompany you to the infirmary if you want, I'll explain everything to the professors. You can also stay in bed and I can bring you something to eat you know... you shouldn't go hungry"
"No, no I... I'm fine, I can go down and have breakfast" replied the brunette lowering her gaze so as not to look the other in the eyes "There's no need to worry about me, I can manage on my own"
Lily remained watching her without saying a single word and without moving a muscle and, while Hermione got up from the bed and gathered her things to go and change, she began to wonder why more than the refusal to hurt her it was the infinite sadness present in the girl's eyes. She, always so proud as well as fair, could hardly overlook the behavior of people who did nothing but despise those who instead only wanted to help and yet with her, with that familiar stranger, the redhead wasn’t angry but rather saddened because, only a few moments before, when she had woken her up, the brunette had looked at her with eyes that, even if full of sleep, had never been so alive.
How much Lily Evans would have given to see that look again, that happiness born from the awareness of still having another day, another time, to live to love to laugh.
Happiness present in every person, it seems, except in Hermione Jane Granger who seemed to wake up every morning since she knew her with the consolidated certainty that by now, in life, there was nothing left that was worth having more time for.
"I'll save the seat next to mine for you at breakfast then" Lily whispered into the emptiness of the room before leaving already knowing she would never get a response, she never did when she spoke to the younger girl, even though months had passed since her arrival.
The brunette walked through the corridors hiding her hands in the sleeves of the too large sweater of her uniform thinking about how, sometimes, time seemed to flow following a law all its own, sometimes all at once other times instead in seconds that seemed to last eons. It was already November now and the cold, so much hated by some, finally allowed Hermione to hide without judgment in her large and worn sweaters, sweaters that told stories of other lives, belonged to other people. She had brought with her sweaters that once belonged to her Remus, Fred, Harry, Ron, Luna and even one that once belonged to her father - one of the few and last gifts from her Sirius - one of those that the girl had never seen him wear yet.
Winter brought with its icy coldness an almost sense of freedom for the girl who traveled in time. The cups of hot chocolate - which however never came out as well as the ones that Ron always made for her in the past - and Harry's scarf, which was now always around her neck to keep her and her precious necklace warm, were part of her daily life, little pieces that helped her keep alive the memory of a past life that would never return.
There were days, however, when she missed that life more than she was willing to bear alone and on those occasions not even her brother's always sweet voice could cheer her up. On those dark days Hermione would wait for Harry and Ron in the common room to go down to have breakfast together, she would turn around at the sound of every laugh with the hope in her heart of glimpsing two identical redheads and she would return to the Gryffindor tower convinced that she would find Ginny and Luna waiting for her in front of the fireplace to talk a bit. Too bad that despite all the time spent waiting in the common room Harry and Ron never reached her, the laughter always belonged to someone else and the fire, however warm, could not and would never be able to replace the warmth of those girls who had become her dearest friends.
Those days remained particularly difficult for her.
This was one of those days.
Accompanied all morning by the faded memory of a dream that had lasted too little, Hermione walked through the corridors of Hogwarts like a ghost, more unable than usual to communicate with others.
Breakfast had just finished - which she had conscientiously decided to skip, completely ignoring Lily's invitation that same morning - when the girl decided to be tired and stop her wandering in the corridor of the seventh floor, not far from the Room of Requirement, aware that at that hour the corridor was usually empty. With her back against the cold bricks of the wall behind her, Hermione had chosen to sit directly in front of one of the windows that overlooked the Black Lake so that she could see the snow freely.
Hermione Lily Potter had once loved the snow.
"Remember the great snow fight of '94”Harry whispered softly
"How could I ever forget it" she sighed sadly "that day you kissed Ginny for the first time and I had to make sure the twins didn't kill you while Neville held Ron and Luna laughed with joy as she rolled in the snow."
"Yeah" he replied with a hint of regret in his voice "you know little sister, I'm happy to be here with you but sometimes I miss them all terribly too. I miss Ginny's indomitable spirit, the twins' humor, the chess games with Ron. I miss everyone so much that sometimes I find myself wishing that we had all just died that day”
"At least then we will all be together on the other side and this life would no longer be our problem" Hermione interrupted him "I know Harry, I understand. There are more days when I hope the same than when I am happy to be alive"
"Hermione" called softly the young Potter "I am already dead and confined to a locket but not you, you can meet new people, start a family, grow up with our family. I would like to die and go to all the others because here there are no chances for me to have a normal life but you can Hermione. You can fall in love, you know that... you know that he would want that too"
"No Harry, I don't know" the girl began to get nervous "I don't know because we never talked about it, because even though we were at war we naively thought we would get through it together, dead or alive but together. Instead look around you. I'm the only survivor of that war and yet... and yet I never got through it either. I'm stuck between the columns overlooking the Hogwarts gardens with Colin's body next to me and the lifeless eyes of Lavender staring at me while I stare at Tonks and Remus' hands knowing they will never touch and, God forbid Harry, behind me, behind me is Fred's lifeless body who I know - I know - even without turning around that he is smiling at his brother Ron. Ron, Harry, our Ron. Ron who is dead but whose body is still bleeding in the corridor staining the hall that horrible red. So no Harry I can't do any of those things because you might be locked in a damned locket but i'm still locked in that damn war and just because i'm still breathing doesn't mean i'm alive. You know that better than most.”
"I just want you to be happy Hermione, happy in the time you'll be forced to live from now on" he told her in a hoarse voice
"I know you want to see me happy Harry it's just not easy, that's all. I need more time to accept that i'll never see any of you again, not like before at least"
"We may be different ages this time but that doesn't mean you won't still be my sister, whatever time and whatever age, our relationship will be the same and when i'm born we'll be each other's safe haven again. But until then all i ask is that you give this life and these people a chance sister. I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying it will ever be and as much as neither I nor anyone else has the right to ask you for anything else I would just like for you to try" her brother reassured her again
Those were her brother's parting words and she, now left in silence, could do nothing but hear them echoing in the void of her mind accompanied almost by a bitter sweetness.
Unable to stop for fear of finding herself again among those columns surrounded by corpses she found herself running away from the future as well as the past condemning herself alone to a solitary and melancholic present.
Confused and insistent thoughts refused to leave her in peace with her silence, silence that apparently she would not have obtained, not today at least, when someone she had not even heard approaching sat down next to her in the corridor.
So busy running...
Hermione ignored the newcomer undauntedly, continuing to look ahead without even giving a sign of recognition to the poor soul who had decided to skip the first lesson of the day to sit next to her. Who knows, maybe, keeping her company, was another lost soul who had simply gotten tired of wandering.
Maybe it was no one she knew.
Maybe he wasn't there for her, after all, no one really was, none of those people knew her well enough to know what she needed in those sad moments.
The boy sat next to her, a few inches away, enough so that their arms didn't touch but not so much that she couldn't rest her head on his shoulder if she ever wanted to.
After enough minutes of neither of them saying anything, the girl relaxed, knowing that whoever was next to her wouldn't try to talk to her.
They remained in silence for maybe two hours if not more, neither of them said a single word, neither of them made a single sound that broke the silence that had allowed their souls to remain still in time. In those moments spent together that was their language, that universe in which they found themselves like never before, in which they discovered themselves and let themselves be discovered like they had never allowed others to do.
Both raised in homes where not saying anything was one of the few ways they had to not make mistakes, raised with the idea that if they managed not to make the slightest noise maybe those people would forget about their existence, the two stared at the snow falling with hearts that became lighter every second.
Hermione and Remus joined in the silence and, for the first time, that was not their way of disappearing but the way of being seen.
They were kindred spirits who had recognized each other without the need to make noise and, when at the sound of the bell that marked the end of the first hour of class that day the girl let her head fall gently on the shoulder of the boy next to her, a bond was forged that, like the two who were creating it, found in silence a safe place to exist.
At the sound of the second bell of the day Hermione knew that it was now time for Remus to go and so, looking away from the window for the first time since she had sat down, she slowly raised her head from the young man's shoulder.
"You smell of hot chocolate Remus" said the young woman looking sweetly into his eyes and hoping that he understood what she had just understood too
We no longer needed to be silent now.
And Hermione smiled as she looked at the back of a carefree laughing Remus as he walked away and who stopped for a moment to give a loud hello, on his way back, to the ghost who apparently would keep her company after him.
Remus smells like the hot chocolate Ron always made
“Hi” a voice called awkwardly when a boy stopped in front of her “do you mind if I sit next to you?”
She looked at him for a long time without speaking, not knowing if she was really ready to tolerate the man who in another life had been a traitor, someone who had turned his back on his best friends causing the death of her parents, sitting next to her. She didn’t know if she was ready yet, or if she would ever be, to watch the snow with him.
“I-i-I have some-I have some homework to do before next class or I’ll never pass the NEWT this year.” the boy continued after the prolonged silence, swinging on his legs and not looking her in the eyes
“If you have such important homework to do Peter” she finally spoke to him, looking him straight in the eyes “then why are you here and not in the library”
Peter Pettigrew at that moment stopped swinging awkwardly on his legs and his hands, which before did nothing but tremble and play with the strap of his backpack, stopped doing what they were doing and the boy brought them to their normal place along his sides. With his back straight and his head held high Peter looked the strange transferred girl straight in the eyes before nodding almost as if he had made a difficult decision and with firm hands he grabbed the school bag that was resting on his shoulder to put it on the floor before sitting down in front of her, exactly under the window that looked out onto the courtyard. With a corridor between the two of them - a bit like a river dividing two banks - Hermione watched intently as the boy rummaged through his backpack even after taking out his book and parchments, almost as if he was looking for something else, something else that perhaps he had found because he suddenly stopped looking to look her straight in the eyes again.
"I'm here for James." he answered seriously, never looking away "When you didn't show up for breakfast Lily wanted to come and look for you but Prongs stopped her, telling her that he would find you. When we saw that you were sitting here alone and that you had no intention of moving, he told us that he would spend the day with you so as not to leave you alone, but now he is Head Boy and we couldn't allow him to skip a whole day of class without having a valid excuse so the boys and I looked at each other and told him that we would take turns. Each of us would skip a class so that none of us would get into trouble and James would be happy."
Hermione looked at him with wide eyes wondering how the boy in front of her at that moment could be the same man who would then live his life transformed into a rat for 12 long years to escape a prison in which he had locked up the same man who had once been one of his dearest friends after having practically condemned another to death. How could that young man with straight shoulders be the same man who had knelt at her feet begging her to save him from a fate he had created for himself.
“I don’t know you Hermione” Peter continued interrupting her thoughts “and honestly if you want to be alone as far as I’m concerned you are free to do so but I know James. He is one of my best friends, he has always helped me and always worried about me. He laughs and jokes with me, shares holidays with me, invites me to his house when he knows my mom is not there because she has to solve some problem with her shop. And maybe I'll seem a little too direct but the truth is that you and I are not friends, not even acquaintances to be honest, and sometimes I feel like you don't like me too much but Prongs is my family so well yeah....here...I'm here for him more than for you" the boy finished stammering almost as if he had only realized at the last moment how offensive his words could actually be to the girl's ears.
And yet the only thing Hermione did, after his speech, was laugh. A happy and genuine laugh, one that no one in that school had ever heard her do, left the lips of the girl who looked like she had just solved one of the great mysteries of the universe.
"Oh Peter" she said wiping away a tear "you just made my day. James Potter is lucky to have friends like you. I really hope that you can always remain the boy-the man- that you are here today in front of me. And please don't feel embarrassed, after all you're right, you have no reason to be here, not for me at least, and I too have thought more than once that I don't trust you but...but maybe I was wrong and I shouldn't have judged you before really knowing you"
The girl then reached out into the hallway to extend her hand to a confused Peter, still trying to figure out what was so funny about his speech and how it had made her day better.
“Do you want to start over?” she tried, offering him an uncertain smile “I’m Hermione, nice to meet you”
“I’m Peter” he replied promptly, grabbing her offered hand “And the pleasure is all mine Hermione”
The two smiled awkwardly at each other, unsure of what to do, before Hermione remembered his homework and pointed to his books with a stern look, making him understand that he should finish what he had to do. Peter scratched his neck, which was slightly red, before grabbing a piece of parchment and starting to write his Potions essay. So immersed in his work, it took the young man a while to notice that the brunette was staring at him.
“Yes?”
“Well if you want,” she said in a slightly unsure voice, “when you’re done you can pass it to me and I can correct it, you know, not to brag but I’m really good at potions.”
“You-you would really do that,” he asked in surprise.
“Of course Peter. I’m happy to help all my friends.”
“Thanks Hermione,” he replied, smiling happily, “that would be great.”
So the two spent the next hour passing papers across the corridor, sometimes smiling at each other, sometimes laughing, because maybe Hermione wasn’t ready to cross that river between them and look at the snow with him yet, but now she knew she was at least ready to try.
As the third bell of the day rang, Peter quickly stood up before grabbing his bag and running towards the stairs that would take him to class, waving quickly at Hermione, telling her that he would be late if he didn't hurry up
“Peter,” the time traveler called, laughing heartily “if you keep going like this you won't be late but you certainly won't have any essays to hand in since you forgot all your papers here”
“Damn” he shouted before running back laughing “thanks Hermione, you saved me”
Maybe not yet Peter the girl thought watching him run away but I'll certainly try.
Hermione turned around when she heard the sound of two bodies colliding to see that Peter had run into someone, probably the next one assigned to keep her company, before hearing him wave warmly to the unfortunate man and continue running away again, this time laughing heartily.
Peter was always so clumsy and yet as he ran down the corridor the light from the window reflected on his hair made it look so blond it looked white, like Luna's.
“Ahhhh” Sirius Black sighed before sitting down next to her, so close that their shoulders touched, with a grace that before then he had only seen in Andromeda Tonks “Peter ended up messing up my fantastic hair with our collision”
Hermione looked at him for a few seconds, trying to understand if the boy was serious or not, before laughing in surprise when she saw him transfigure a feather that his friend had left in the corridor in a mirror so he could fix his hair.
“Hey” he scolded her good-naturedly happy to hear her laugh for once “there is no need to laugh you know. I care a lot about my hair”
“Oh” the girl decided to indulge him “I noticed. You do well to fix yourself up, lest anyone ever see you like this”
“What do you mean sorry” he replied fake indignantly “that I’m not beautiful even with messed up hair?”
“Well Sirius let’s face it, the best thing you have is your hair” she teased “without it you’re just another boy at Hogwarts”
“HERESY” shouted the young Black “even bald, love, I’d still be the most beautiful boy these walls have ever seen” he finished with a wink
Hermione then burst out laughing shaking her head slightly impressed by how different that Sirius was from hers. Not that her Sirius wasn’t laughing or joking but that boy, the one who was sitting next to her at that moment seemed so full of joy, so charismatic, so fearless.
That Sirius was so untouched by the war that he was spectacularly alive, something she had never had the fortune of admiring in her time. Now sitting next to her she could see the protagonist of all those stories that her Remus had told her and the others.
Now Hermione saw the young exiled scion of the Black family with his pitch-black hair and the most beautiful gray eyes she had ever seen, the rebel who wore his uniform shirt in a messy way with the first buttons open and the tie used instead as a belt, the failed rock star with the smudged eyeliner placed there almost as if to tell the world that Sirius Black could be anything he wanted to be without having to worry about people's whispers, the Gryffindor Casanova with a smile worth dying for.
If with Remus there had been silence and with Peter embarrassment with Sirius instead there was familiarity, the kind that comes after years of friendship and that makes you feel as if you could be yourself without having to apologize for anything, not even your flaws. With him Hermione spent her time laughing and joking, doing all those things she thought she had forgotten how to do.
"Can I ask you a question?" The boy suddenly asks in a serious tone a few minutes after Hermione had stopped laughing
“Yes” she finally answered solemnly having sensed the change in atmosphere
“What…” he began almost uncertainly “What are you running away from Hermione”
The girl looked back at the window and, without saying a word, continued for endless minutes to stare at the snow that was still falling outside the school walls
Sirius opened his mouth ready to apologize for having crossed the line, for having made her sad, when the girl surprised him by answering his question with another
“And you Sirius?” She asks, looking back at him “What did you run away from?”
Even though everyone in that school, including the teachers, knew that Sirius had been disgraced by his family and now lived with the Potters so everyone knew how much he hated talking about it and, after he had punched the last boy who had tried to ask him, no one asked him questions like that anymore. No one except Hermione Jean Granger apparently.
At that point it was Sirius who looked away and stared out the window at the snow falling, thinking for a long time whether or not he wanted to answer that question. But then he turned to look at her again and see that instead she had never taken her gaze away continuing undaunted to observe him in his silence as if it was aware of telling her something.
And it was in that moment that Sirius realized that, perhaps for the first time in his life, he had met someone who was similar to him, someone whose eyes had seen the same horrors and whose heart had suffered the same wounds. It was in that moment that he realized that if he ever wanted to receive something from her then he would have to give in return.
Theirs would soon become a dangerous game the boy thought with conviction staring at her
“From my family,” he stated in a monotonous tone, “In that house Hermione there was no longer a place for me, for Sirius. There was only a place for the heir of the most noble and ancient house of Black. No one cared what I thought or what I liked or what I wanted to do in life but everyone was eager to tell me instead what I should do and how I should live. My father spent hours talking to me about honor and power, my mother was looking for a girl from a pureblood family to marry me, my cousins had started calling me Lord Black and my brother, my brother wouldn't even look me in the eyes anymore Hermione." The boy paused for a moment to see if he could say more, wondering if she would understand him, finally deciding that it was still too early for that.
That day, in that corridor, Sirius Black was willing to pick the lock on the door but not yet to open it.
"So I packed my bags and left, more or less. I went to the Potters where I knew I would find an empty space in the exact shape of my silhouette." He finished "They always had room for Sirius"
"Mhhh" was the indistinct sound Hermione made, lost in her thoughts before deciding to speak "I'm running away because I'm afraid that when I finally decide to stop I'll realize I haven't run far enough to leave everything else behind me. I'm afraid of stopping Sirius and not being able to leave, that the shadows of my past will reach further than my future"
The two remained silent for a few seconds before the bell that marked the beginning of lunch time rang
"Well Hermione my shift is officially over" he said getting up from the floor "and just know that if you ever wanted to talk again I would be happy to listen to you"
The eldest of the Black brothers began to walk towards the stairs when suddenly he stopped in the middle of the corridor "I know you didn't want a solution when you told me why you're running away Hermione it just seems silly to leave without first telling you that, sometimes, to make the shadows disappear, you just need a little light, even just a glimmer of it" he said to the girl without ever turning around before continuing his walk
And as much as Hermione knew that those words of Sirius would remain in her head for some time the girl could not allow their time together to end in any way other than how it began.
Laughing.
“Check the mirror Sirius” she shouted after him with a grin on her face as she put the wand she had pulled out moments before back in place “Godric forbid your hair is messy for lunch”
“HERMIONE” came the distant scream “REALLY?! BALD?!”
Yet the words were not shouted by an angry Sirius but rather accompanied by a real, barking laugh.
Sirius’s laugh was not harmonious or angelic, no, it was loud and strong, and it seemed to attract the attention of everyone nearby and reminded her terribly of Ginny.
It was then that the corridor was filled with another laugh, a loud and joyful one, the laugh of James Potter who, it seemed, had been lucky enough to meet a bald Sirius on his way to reach her.
“Your work, little girl?” James asked her, holding out his hand to help her up with a small smile on his face
“Yeah” she replied in a confused way, staring at the offered hand wondering what exactly the boy wanted
“Come on, little girl, you have been sitting for hours, it is time to get up a bit” he stated, looking at her with a sweet smile on his face and, for the first time since she had sat down, Hermione realized how much she actually was sore from her prolonged position.
After grabbing James’ hand, the two of them looked out the window next to each other, looking at the snow together.
“So you will miss lunch, James” the girl felt obliged to warn him
“Like you? At least I had breakfast”
“I’m not hungry” she simply replied ignoring the veiled accusation
“Well unfortunately for you I am” he stated before taking out from his cloak something wrapped in handkerchiefs and two forks “So now we’ll eat together since I hate eating alone”
That’s how Hermione found herself eating a pumpkin pie “but this is my favorite food” “I know girl otherwise why would I have had it” as she watched the Hogwarts grounds getting whiter and whiter next to James Potter.
“Do you like snow?” the boy asked between one forkful of food and the other
“I used to love it” she answered sincerely
“Why don’t you love it anymore?”
“I have so many fond memories of snow,” she said as if that simple sentence explained everything but, seeing the confused face of the boy next to her, she decided to elaborate further “Now every time I see the snow, all I can think about is what I can never have again and the knowledge that the memories I have are exactly that, memories.”
“Why?” the boy asks really curiously “Why can’t you have it again?”
Hermione only took a few seconds this time to decide that she would be honest because in the end, she knew, everyone would find out the truth no matter what.
“Because they’re all dead,” she replied in a relaxed voice while continuing to look outside, as if what she had just said wasn’t the most heartbreaking truth of her life
“I’m sorry,” James simply replied who in reality, unbeknownst to his daughter, already knew that truth and also knew how much she suffered for it.
As much as it broke his heart to see Hermione so sad and lost in her thoughts, James needed to have this conversation with her, he needed her to understand that moving on wasn't wrong, that being happy wouldn't offend her dead.
“I know what it’s like to lose someone you love, little girl” he continued in a melancholy voice. “I know what it’s like to see death and not be able to do anything to stop it, to have a body in your arms that’s getting colder every second, with the knowledge that you can’t do anything to stop neither blood nor time. I know what it feels like to feel your world dying in your arms and not be able to do anything but cry.”
Hermione then turned to look at him and found herself staring into eyes that not only looked like hers but that held the same pain as hers. The boy standing next to her had lost someone he loved just as much as she did, and he knew the immense sadness that seemed to occupy a permanent place in the hearts of those who had found themselves forced to say goodbye to a piece of their soul.
Yet the more she looked at him, the more confused she became. If he also knew that pain, her pain, then how could he stand so straight. Didn’t the weight of regret hover over his shoulders? Didn't his eyes fill with tears every time he saw something that took his mind back to the times when the one he had lost was still there? Didn't he experience every smile as a stab in the heart, as a betrayal towards the one who had died?
"How do you still smile James" the girl finally decided to ask, trying to understand how people who had lived such similar experiences could react in such different ways "How do you get out of bed in the morning without feeling that oppressive weight that pushes you down, further and further down. How do you laugh with your friends, court Lily, be so kind and patient with me who do everything to avoid you. Doesn't every movement of yours seem heavy and painful? Doesn't every word of yours seem false? Every smile of yours wasted and useless? Don't you see the world as a horrible place that is no longer worth committing to? Every person as someone else you could lose at any moment? How can you not live in constant fear of losing again and waiting for it to end for you too?
Here it is the boy thought the moment to get her out of her despair, to be able to make her understand that there is still a life for her.
“I don’t know who you lost Hermione” he began with a lie that was necessary at that moment “and I’m not even asking you to tell me, but I know who I lost. I lost pieces of my heart. The pain I felt, the desperation, the regret, are all things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. You know when- when it happened… when I lost them, I ended up losing myself with them. All the things that before seemed to represent the happiness of life suddenly became the most foolish things because, after all, the idea of ever being able to be happy without them was unthinkable let alone achievable. The more time passed, the more I fell into despair because every day I realized I was forgetting something more. With every minute I forgot a little more the sound of their voices or the way their eyes sparkled when they laughed. I forgot the conversations we had, the moments we shared, the sleepless nights spent talking to bring a little light to the darkness of the night. Before losing them, time was the thing I hoped would pass as quickly as possible, I wanted to finish school, marry Lily, become an Auror and celebrate the birthdays of my best friends but then, after that, time became the thing that scared me the most in the world. My worst enemy, because as it passed it was taking away with it the only things I had left of them.”
The boy stopped suddenly and Hermione turned to look at him to see what had made him stop and saw him collapse on himself. With his forearms resting on the window and his head in his hands, James Potter's body was shaken by sobs so full of pain that, for the first time, Hermione wondered if perhaps what he had lost was even worse than what she had lost.
But if she had lost everything then what had he lost to be like this? Had he really lost his heart? Yet Lily, the marauders and his parents were all alive as far as she knew and no one had ever told her of such a loss James had suffered to let him drown in all that pain.
Not knowing what to do or how to console him, knowing there wasn't much she could really do to help him, the girl simply placed a hand gently on his shoulder just to let him know she was there and it was okay. That he could cry all he wanted and she would stay silently by his side.
“You know, kitten, in all the years I’ve known your father, the only time I’ve seen him cry was when Harry was born and I have no doubt that when you entered the family he would have cried even more. We’ve always seen James as a daddy’s girl. I mean, he already was a mother hen with us and Harry, let alone with you.”
And yet despite her Sirius’ words, now, in front of her, her father was crying so much that Hermione feared he would soon stop breathing from sobbing.
“Sorry,” he said after recovering a bit, “I know I should be the one to console you, only that… only that little girl, you have to know that their death has marked my life so deeply that now it’s divided into a before and after and the after, the after is fucking ugly. I honestly don't know how many times I've found myself crying because I thought of them for a moment or how many times just looking at myself in the mirror makes it almost impossible for me to smile because it reminds me of what I've lost but as bad as the aftermath is Hermione that doesn't take away the fact that I'm still here. And maybe the colors of the world are a little less bright than they were before and the joy a little less warm and the smiles a little fainter but I'm still here. I'm still here because I refuse to let what I've already been through be passed to other people and I'm not talking about people I don't know little girl because I'm not a hero, no, I'm talking about the people I love. I refuse to think that what I've been through could be passed to my Lily or the boys or my parents. Because as much as I've lost sometimes I feel like I've been given another chance and the ability to fix what should never have been broken and then I think that if I were to give up not only would I betray who I've lost but also who I still have. The dead are not betrayed by living Hermione, but by ceasing to do so.”
With the end of his speech the tears also stopped falling from his eyes, almost as if those words had helped the girl as much as himself. When James finally raised his head feeling ready to go back to looking at the snow he realized that the hand resting on his shoulder was shaking just like its owner.
Now that James had stopped crying it was Hermione turn.
The young Potter didn’t think twice before putting his arm on the shoulders of the small girl at his side to drag her against him and allow her to hide her face in his chest.
“It’s okay Hermione, I’m here with you now. I’ll take care of you. I’ll take care of you.” The boy continued to whisper softly never letting her go.
The two remained in that position until the bell rang that signaled the start of the afternoon lessons when they heard light footsteps approaching them.
“Now I’ll take care of it James. It’s time for you to go.”
He looked at the young redhead who had just spoken for a few moments with sweetness before nodding and gently extricating himself from Hermione’s embrace who was passed just as delicately into Lily’s arms, whose heart had broken at the sight of the brunette’s tears and her boyfriend’s still red eyes.
“Take care of her Lily, please.” James almost begged before reluctantly walking away after seeing his girlfriend nod “And you just promise me that you will be careful that the weight of the dead does not drag you into the grave too, little girl.”
These were the words with which James separated from the two, slowly heading towards the stairs that would take him away from them
Hermione suddenly felt cold as he removed his arm from her shoulders and, she realized, James’ arms were comfortable and could keep her warm just like Harry’s scarf.
Maybe there was someone for her, if only she had stopped long enough to notice.
...to forget why she was running.
Left alone in the hallway again Lily, without ever removing her arm from Hermione, brought her back to the wall and the two sat on the floor in each other's arms.
Mum Hermione thought fleetingly as she buried her face even more in Lily's fire-colored hair before sighing peacefully.
"Would you like to tell me what happened today Little Flower?" The eldest asked softly.
"Little flower?" Hermione replied, ignoring her question "Why little flower?"
"Well, your scent reminds me of hydrangeas." She whispered "You know, blue hydrangeas are my favorite flowers and every time I smell your scent in the air I think of them and it makes me smile. So I thought that little flower was the perfect nickname for you."
Realizing that Hermione would not answer her question and feeling her body relax more and more with the sound of her voice echoing off the walls of the empty corridor, Lily decided to continue talking to her about everything and nothing, telling her about herself, in the hope that after so many tears and sleepless nights the girl would finally get some sleep.
“You should know that the Marauders - the stupid name those four gave themselves at the beginning of our second year - have the bad habit of giving nicknames to everyone. Poor Professor McGonagall has been trying for years to make them understand that they shouldn't call her Minnie without success. And so I just thought I should find a nickname for you before they do it” continued to parry the redhead with an increasingly low voice seeing how the girl’s eyes were closing more and more often “You know since I gave up and agreed to go out with James I spend a worrying amount of hours with those boys and so I think I’ll need to spend an equally worrying amount with you otherwise I’ll end up going crazy”
Seeing that the girl had closed her eyes Lily tried to extricate herself from the iron grip the brunette was holding her in so she could go and call James and ask him to take Hermione to the common room without having to wake her when the redhead felt Hermione’s grip tighten on her and lowering her head saw that the girl was staring at her with half-closed eyes full of tears
“Don’t leave me Lily” begged the brunette “Everyone leaves me”
Seeing the desperation in the younger girl’s face Lily decided in that moment that whatever happened nothing and no one would be able to separate her from the girl and that she would be all that that the other would have needed. If at that moment she needed a shoulder to rest on, the redhead would have been happy to watch over her sleep.
“Sleep my little flower” she reassured softly smiling “I will never leave you. I promise.”
Hermione smiled tiredly at her and, deciding that she could trust that promise, that girl, she went back to sleep peacefully for the first time in many months with her heart a little less broken than it had been that same morning with one last thought that gently echoed in her head.
Lily’s sweet smile and her hair the same color as fire made her feel at home and, while she hid her face in her neck to be able to rest safe from nightmares, Hermione allowed herself to believe - even if only for a few minutes - that she was back in Fred’s arms, one of her favorite places in the world.
In the hours that followed, while Hermione rested on the shoulders of the one she knew would never leave her and Lily watched her almost enchanted, gently caressing her thick curly hair, slowly and silently a boy with a comforting and serene smile passed by them and - smiling warmly at the redhead - placed two steaming mugs of hot chocolate next to them, the smell of which made the brunette wake up and start rubbing her eyes, still sleepy. Looking around she saw the mugs next to her and slowly reaching out, always making sure not to abandon Lily's embrace, she grabbed them smiling to pass one to the girl next to her. Shortly after, plates with a variety of sweets left softly on the floor by a boy who had hair the color of gold appeared next to the two. Afterwards, a third boy with eyes that seemed to shine in the night like the very star whose name he bore left a book in front of the two - The Winter's Tale - before walking away, like his predecessors, smiling at them sweetly and silently. It was only the last boy whose symphony created from his broken heart could be heard by anyone who listened long enough , arriving in the corridor when the sunset could be seen outside the window, who, after covering the two with a heavy and warm blanket, sat down on the other side of Hermione and, placing his arm around the girl's shoulders again, pulled her to him, claiming the place he had occupied a few hours before. Waiting for her to settle against his chest and for Lily in turn to rest her head on the girl's shoulder and holding her hand tightly between hers before starting to read, to the two most important women in his life, in a calm and sweet voice, the story of Queen Hermione.
The snow was decreasing Lily thought with an inexplicable relief and her heart full of warmth.
Lily Evan had once loved the snow.
Soon it would stop falling altogether.