Chapter Text
Arisu doesn’t know how to be a boyfriend.
He knows how to be a friend.
Are you sure? You did let your best friends die for you.
Arisu shakes his head at the stupid voice inside his head. Yes, he is sure. He may have not been the best of friends by any means, but he knows how to be a friend. He’s been one for as long as he can remember.
He also knows how to be a son.
Do you? Your mother is dead, and your father has been terribly disappointed in you for most of your life.
But he’s not anymore. His father has been trying since the whole meteorite catastrophe, and so has Arisu. His father is proud he got enrolled at University once again, offering to pay all of it, and that he’s gotten new friends instead of falling prey to depression thinking of Chota and Karube like he thought he would.
He’s familiar with being a brother too.
Don’t take pride in that. Your little brother has been acting like the older one his whole life because you couldn’t man up and assume the role that was intended for you after your mother died.
SHUT UP.
Arisu has had enough of that voice in his head. He just has to think of the voice as one more citizen he has to defeat in Borderland.
So yes, he knows how to be many things, but not a boyfriend, and especially not to Chishiya. The man wasn’t exactly normal by any means. He was exceptionally intelligent and sharp, tremendously rich, objectively successful and had been disconnected from emotions. Arisu was having a hard time figuring out how to behave around the blonde. Was he supposed to text him to check he had got home safe after a date? Should he call to vent about the anxiety he was feeling going back at college in a week? Were they going to celebrate Valentine’s day? Would they even still be together once Valentine’s day came?
Arisu was no longer the scared young boy he once had been. He was much more confident now, but being back in the real world was proving to be harder than expected. The pressure is starting to get to his head. He’s not sure he can pull everything off, so he starts to talk less, afraid of saying the wrong thing, and he starts to eat less, afraid of gaining too much wait, and he avoids some date nights, so Chishiya doesn’t find out how inadequate he is and dumps him before college starts. He knows Karube would call him out, but there’s no Karube anymore, and he’s carefully lying to his friends, telling them it's fine.
He's survived death games, he can’t come out and say he’s afraid of failing at college, and being a boyfriend, a son, a friend and a brother. He can’t come out and say he’s terrified to become the failure he used to be once again.
Arisu sighs as he looks into the mirror before leaving his house to check a few flats near campus. His father thinks it would be better for Arisu to have his own space now, even if it's a small one. He’s twenty-six after all, he needs the independence.
Chishiya comes to him, sighing with disdain at every place they visit and barking questions at the tenants. Arisu forces him to stop to take a coffee because he ends up murdering someone.
-Why are you in such a bad mood?
-I’m not in such a bad mood, I just think it’s bullshit you’re looking for a flat. Those things are so tiny!
-Would you rather I’d stay at my father’s house?
-Well, kinda. You can leave there and crash at mine as much as you want to, it’s way bigger than the shitholes we’re visiting, and free.
-Sure, and how am I going to explain to my dad sleeping away that much?
-Point taken.
Arisu had not had that conversation with his father yet.
Hey dad, happy to get me back? Well, you should know it turns out I’m bi and in love with a guy who bleaches his hair and wears makeup.
Arisu just wants to enjoy his dad being nice to him for a little while before he gets deeply disappointed once again.
-Why don’t you go home? I can finish on my own, I’ll be fine. I’ll tell you if I find something.
-Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to be a jerk; it still comes naturally most of the time.
Arisu smiles at his boyfriend before kissing him on the cheek.
-It’s fine, really.
Arisu ends up finding a one-room flat that’s five minutes of walking away from his campus. His father agrees and the lease is signed. He doesn’t tell Chishiya he just needs a place he won’t be thrown out of once he gets tired of him.
Kuina knows something is wrong the moment she steps into the living-room at 2 am to get a glass of water and sees Chishiya on the couch, glaring at his cat who’s glaring back at him.
-Stop pouting.
If looks could kill, Kuina would at least be in intensive care after uttering those words.
-I do NOT pout.
-You used not to, but you’re certainly doing it now. You’re pouting, Chishiya. Is there trouble in paradise?
Chishiya rolled his eyes at Kuina.
-Oh my god, there is! Is this your first crisis as a couple? That was fast!
Kuina is sitting next to him before he can move.
-I’m all ears.
-There’s no crisis.
-Sure, there isn’t. That’s why you’re on the couch, pouting, at 2 am instead of sleeping. You have a sleeping schedule, Chishiya, you get all grumpy if you don’t get eight uninterrupted hours of sleep. Spill.
Chishiya exhales loudly and hugs a pillow to his chest.
-Arisue is acting weird.
-You should have sex.
Chishiya stops moving, puzzled.
-What?
-Sex is a way to communicate. You’ve been together for a couple of months now, just have sex.
-I’m not pressuring him into having sex.
-Oh my god, I’m not talking about that, but maybe insinuate yourself.
-I’m waiting for him to do so; I want him to be comfortable.
-Then you might wait forever, that boy is shy.
-ENOUGH. What about you? Have you told Ann that you keep moaning her name in your dreams?
-Don’t you dare! Ok, fine, I got a little lost in this conversation, let’s get back on track. You say Arisu is being weird, define weird.
-I don’t know. He’s not done anything particularly out of the ordinary, but there’s something weird, I can feel it. He’s elusive, more silent, I don’t know.
-All right, maybe there’s something on his mind?
-He’s fine. His family is being nice and he’s starting college in a few days.
Kuina smiles at Chishiya like she’s resolved an enigma he hasn’t.
-Did you think he might feel anxious?
-About what?
-College! It didn’t go well for him the first time around. Plus, things have changed so much. He lost his best friends and gained a bunch of new ones, and he’s got a boyfriend now. That’s a lot to take in.
-Are we talking about the same boy who beat the Borderland?
-The one who laid on a road under the rain for a couple of days waiting to die? Yeah, I think we’re talking about the same one.
Chishiya wants to bang his head against the door. It had been so obvious. How could he miss it?
-Why didn’t he talk to me?
-Well, you are kind of intimidating. He might be afraid to disappoint.
-Arisu, disappoint me?
-Yeah, do you really believe you’re the only one with insecurities? Wake up and smell the coffee, hon. We’re all in the same boat.
-I’m the worst boyfriend on Earth.
Kuina rolls her eyes at him as she throws him a pillow.
-Were you always this dramatic? I swear I haven’t heard you complain so much since you couldn’t find your bleach at Borderland.
-WE’RE NOT BRINGING THAT UP.
Kuina laughs at him as he sends pillows flying her way.
-Fine, fine. Look, just do something nice for him. Show him you care and that he can be himself around you. Comfort him.
-What is this?
Arisu looks around the room, full of pillows and sheets all over the floor.
-What does it look like to you? It’s a fort, of course.
Chishiya advances into the room and sits in the makeshift tent that’s surrounded by walls of pillows.
-Look, I even got the kind of food that will shorten your life expectancy: chocolate, chips, pop, everything.
Chishiya smiles at him as he shakes a candy bar in front of him.
-What are you waiting for? Come in, I can’t protect you as well outside of the fort.
Arisu’s feet are glued to the floor though.
-I don’t understand.
Chishiya sighs as he drops the candy bad in front of him.
-Sometimes the kids I work with get scared. Heart surgeries are scary. Their parents always come in and tell them to be brave and behave like the little men and women they are. I used to agree with them.
-Used to?
-I had a patient once, he was around 11 and he needed to have a heart biopsy done. It’s a tough procedure because you have to stay awake for it.
-What? No sedation?
-Nope, it’s basically about guiding a catheter into your heart to remove small pieces of tissue. It’s not dangerous, but it’s difficult mentally.
-I can imagine.
-It was the boy’s older sister who took care of him, since his parents were too busy working. She was around fifteen I guess, a teenager. She came in the day before the operation and built a fort in the boy’s room.
-She sounds like a cool sister.
-I believe she was. When I asked her about it, she told me that she wanted her brother to know that it was all right to be scared. I’ve never felt much fear, so I didn’t completely get it. I asked her whether it wasn’t more important for him to be brave at the moment.
-What did she say?
-She said that comfort is what would make him brave.
-Did the procedure go well?
-Yes, we did find out he had cancer though.
-That’s a shitty ending to the story, Chishiya.
-Yeah, the world is a shitty place. Come here already.
Arisu sighs as he sits himself next to Chishiya who takes a sheet from behind him and throws it in front of them, acting as a door for their tent.
-What are you doing?
-Shielding us further.
-I am not 11, and I don’t have cancer.
-So what? Only children and sick people get to feel fear now?
-You built me a fort.
-I built you a fort because you’re anxious about going back to college, but you won’t tell me, and that’s not fair. I want to comfort you, Arisu. I want to make it easier. We’ll hide tonight so you can be brave tomorrow.
Arisu smiles slightly at Chishiya, reaching for some cookies and offering them to the blonde.
-I am sorry, I didn’t want you to feel left out. I was just ashamed.
-I know, but I want you to know there’s no need to be ashamed around me. I know you, I know your flaws, and you’ve seen the worst of mine. Don’t hide.
Arisu nods at his boyfriend as he sees sincerity shining through his dark eyes.
-What are you afraid of?
-I guess going back to college is kind of meeting my ghost of the past.
Chishiya hums as he chomps on his cookie, taking a few seconds to swallow.
-I understand, but you’re not the same person, and the situation is completely different.
-I’m still scared about falling back into my old ways. It’s tempting sometimes.
-Do you think you’re the only one? I’ve been trying to be a better person for a few months now, and I’m not even talking about becoming a decent human being, just a slightly less shitty human that I used to be. It’s been a struggle, it still is.
-I didn’t know you were feeling that way.
-Yes, because I try not to show it so you won’t realize what an asshole I am and run the fuck off.
-I know who were.
-Who was I?
-The kind of person who would use people like me for their benefit.
Chishiya closes his eyes for a second, the sentences do feel like a punch.
-I also know the kind of person you’re now, the one who builds pillow forts for his scared boyfriend. I’ve always thought you were fascinating, Chishiya, nothing short of that.
The fondness in Arisu’s eyes is too much for Chishiya who’s feeling way too vulnerable at that point, needing to break the atmosphere.
-Kuina thinks we should have sex.
Arisu almost chokes on a candy bar.
-Kuina thinks so, huh?
Chishiya shrugs.
-I’m not pressuring you or anything, I really don’t mind waiting. Just putting Kuina’s opinion out there.
Arisu looks at Chishiya for a couple of seconds before breaking into fits of laughter, his boyfriend soon following.
-I’m sure we’ll have sex before she has the guts to confess to Kuina.
-Duh, obviously.
Then Chishiya takes out his phone, puts on a stupid Netflix reality show, and the night goes by in between fast food, fleeting touches and laughs. Arisu goes to sleep with his arms around Chishiya’s waist that night and even though he still feels anxious, he’s also received enough comfort to know that it’s going to be all right because he’s got people in his corner, people he’ll be brave for.