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Warnings: Angst. Slight spoilers for Remembrance, Love Kills, and various others from Season 1 and Season 2.
The Slow And Agonizing Death Of My Heart (or Blair's Random Thoughts)
By
Kaear (formally known as Gaea)
I wanted to go to him in his time of sorrow and need, but I did not want to embarrass him in front of the others, as being comforted by his very male partner might very well do. He looked so vulnerable, slowly rocking her lifeless body in his arms. I wonder if he would grieve for me like that. Sandburg this is no time to feel self pity.
I flashback to the time of Danny Choi's murder, and I wonder how much death and heartache one man, even a Sentinel, can endure and remain alive. First his mother leaves him and his father forces him to repress his Sentinel abilities, and then his whole Army Ranger team dies in Peru, just so some Colonel can sell drugs. It seems these things are not enough for fate because everything he touches after seems to die or disappear from his life. I would never do that to him if I can help it.
Simon pats me on the back as we look on at the heart wrenching scene. I guess this is his way of reassuring me that Jim and everything will be ok. I just hope that Simon is not wrong.
My heart shatters a little more each time I see Jim get hurt, whether it is emotionally or physically. I hope I'll be able to mend it when it has shattered like a glass bombarded with a high C. I love him so much. I love him with my heart, mind, body, and soul. Of course he doesn't have a clue. If I have my way he will never find out. I don't think he would appreciate his male partner being in love with him plus I don't want to hurt him should something happen to me. I would rather live with the pain of unrequited love than without him in my life.
There are so many times when Jim looks like he could use a hug or a pat on the back but I hold back, afraid he will reject the gesture, even if made in friendship and, secretly, in love.
That day he went to see his father, I wanted to go along but he didn't ask me. I didn't want to impose and seem a nuisance to him. I am still unsure where the boundaries lie between us. I fear that one day I'll have gone too far, and he'll tell me to pack my bags and get out. I know that is irrational. Jim would never do that to me. He's too nice of a person to just kick me out on my ass, but I guess my insecurities are leaking out again.
I know I should be glad that Jim opens up to me as much as he does. It just sometimes feels like I have to chip away a mental break wall with a tiny pick just to break through to the small amount of information I finagle out of him in the first place.
I sometimes wonder if he really needs me or if I am just there for the pity value. He knows I have more then enough information for my dissertation. I even flat out told him. Why does he let me stay? His Sentinel abilities are basically under control so why am I here? Maybe it is because the poor, naïve, anthropology grad student can't make it on his own without someone hitting me over the head, or shooting at me, or trying to kidnap me for one reason or another. Maybe he lets me stay for the off the hand remark I made after he rescued me from Lash, of him being my "Blesses Protector" for the rest of his life. Jim does take what he perceives as his responsibility seriously to the heart, no matter what regard it was meant in. I only meant it as a joke but he seems to have taken it as a way of life. I'm not saying that he doesn't have a sense of humor but he is kind of anal retentive and conservative in his views on life. I mean this in a good and lovable way. I guess deep down I know he lets me stay because he at least thinks of me as the younger brother Stephan never got to be.
Jim's finally let the paramedics take her body away from his arms. I better try to get him home, feed him, and put him to bed, not necessarily in that order, before he falls on his face. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to tell Jim how I feel about him and our future together but not today.
THE END (?)