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Turned out driving was much less cool than Ellie had thought. For one, it was boring and Joel barely talked, ever. She wanted to watch the trees, but the sight of them speeding by - too fast - made her feel nauseous. All she had were her thoughts, where thinking was was the last thing she wanted to do. The house, the letter, Bill and Frank, stayed in Ellie’s mind, for longer than she thought it would. Longer than she wanted it to.
I saved him, Bill had said. Then I protected him.
Ellie had seen glimpses of a life in that house. Two glasses on the table, two ridiculously fancy dinner plates. Paintings scattered around the house. Not just two people living together, but two people who clearly built a life together.
Don’t come into the bedroom.
She thought she wanted to cry, maybe, thinking about it. So stupid. And why? She never knew Bill and Frank, aside from a really strange letter. That kind of life was not something she ever wanted for herself. Not something she could have even known about enough to want it. But her mind drifted against her will to Riley. To how good it felt, just the two of them, exploring the mall. What would it have been like if they could have had this? Eating dinner together. Flowers. Music. Falling asleep in the same bed, safe with the knowledge they’d be there together in the morning.
Riley…
“Joel,” Ellie said, forcefully sending that line of thinking crumbling to the ground, “were you friends with Bill and Frank?”
Joel shifted uncomfortably in his seat, keeping his eyes on the road, but didn’t shut her down like Ellie expected. “You read the letter.”
“So, yes.” She fiddled with a piece of fabric that was coming off of her seat and pressed her finger into the hole. The foam felt weird. “You said Frank was nice.”
He cleared his throat. “I suppose. We were friends. As much as anyone can be, these days.”
“But they were…” she paused, realizing she didn’t know the word. “Lovers?” she asked, face flushing in some weird form of embarrassment.
“They’d say partners. But, yes. So?”
“So… aren’t people from Texas supposed to, like… not approve of that?” She hoped he was at least a little annoyed that she figured out he was from Texas. That accent, man.
Now, Joel did look at her, rolling his eyes. “There were gay people in Texas, Ellie.”
Gay. Ellie took the word in and tucked it close behind her heart.
Joel chuckled and put his eyes back on the road. “You had shit teachers.”
“Tell me about it,” she mumbled.
“Why does it bother you?”
Ellie was shocked, almost. Joel asked her a question.
“It doesn’t! I was just… curious.”
“FEDRA don’t exactly like gay people either, do they,” Joel said.
“They just don’t talk about it. Whispers, maybe, but…” she trailed off, letting the music play softly in the silence. Linda whoever was singing through the staticy speakers, Somewhere out there…
“You learn how to… see people,” Joel said eventually, sounding uncomfortable. “Little things people do or say. Codes. It gets easier,” he offered.
Ellie prickled at the tone. “Like you’d know,” she said.
Joel just cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably in his seat again. His grip on the steering wheel tightened.
Then Ellie blinked, taking in what he’d said. “Wait!” she said, perking up excitedly, twisting in her seat against the seatbelt. “You’re… gay? But… you and…” she trailed off, not wanting to push too far, but needing desperately to know.
“I’m not gay,” Joel insisted. “I’m… somethin’ else.” He sighed. “Maybe I needed better teachers too.” He cleared his throat, struggling through his words. “I’m… I like both.”
“Both!” Ellie sat back in her seat, feeling exhilarated. We’re the same! she wanted to yell. She wanted to dance, hoot and hollar. Well, not the same, but… similar. Different shades, maybe. “I didn’t know people could do that.”
“I shouldn’t have said anything.” Joel was uncomfortable again, retreating back into his shell. But Ellie would cherish this knowledge, she thought, no matter where they went. She couldn’t tell him about Riley, not yet. But eventually. She thought he’d understand, maybe. “Let’s drop it,” he said.
“Fine, fine,” she said. "But I think we need to find some books."
Joel chuckled. "We'll see."
Ellie smiled and couldn't seem to stop. The trees, a vibrant green blur through the window, didn’t make her feel sick to her stomach anymore. She rolled down the window and stuck her head out, excited to see what was on the road ahead.