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The sun is dangerous, and when you get too close, your wings melt, and you inevitably fall. Just like Icarus.
See, Icarus jumped, and he flew too close to the sun until it become his demise. He fell, and he laughed. Icarus fell in love with the sun, but did not survive it.
Right now, there was no sun. The sun had fallen, just like Icarus did, it dipped below the horizon and its golden light had been stripped away, leaving only the moon in its wake.
Under the moon, hiding inside the drowning darkness the night brings, is Aimsey. Alone in a world where loneliness is the biggest killer.
But perhaps to this boy, the loneliness is a comfort in a world of uncertainties. Perhaps it’s all they’ve ever known, being by himself their whole life. Perhaps it’s a new concept, one that they had never heard of, let alone experienced themselves. Perhaps this is the first time the darkness is introducing them to the solitude of being by yourself, and the darkness is known for being unforgiving.
Their feet carry them along the rocky path in front of them, and the moonlight from the moon above guides them as they stumble through the night. Tears blur her vision, and nothing seems to make sense in that moment.
Silence is difficult when your brain won’t stop screaming at you. Perhaps loneliness is not real, perhaps our minds are forever the company we loath yet rely on. Aimsey’s mind screams louder than the world even in its busiest moments. The screams are constant and she can’t make sense of most of it.
Most of it is just noise but one thing xe can recognise is the sound of their pain filled scream playing again, and again, and again until it drowns out the sound of their heart beats.
They want to scream back, to try and drown out the taunting sounds of their pain, but whenever they open their mouth to try and speak the words get lodged in their throat and nothing comes out. Bound to eternal silence by the world around them.
The stars watch as they fall apart.
Why had this happened? Why them? Why today?
Today was going to be good. They had planned for flowers to paint their day, they planned for moonlit picnics and sunlit walks. Her and Guqqie had let words flow between them in chains of love, conversations passing easily as they seemed to never run out of things to talk about, that was the true beauty of them.
Even in the moments where no words were shared, they would shoot glances at each other, their eyes sparkling with the light of a thousand stars and blood rushing into their cheeks, so scarlet it was almost maroon. And they’d delve into soft giggles and whispering love filled declarations into the wind for the breeze to take away and soon tangle with the leaves and dance with the stars.
They were going to hold their face gently, letting moonlight wash over her pale skin until they shone like the star they were. Their hands would have been shaking against her skin, crawling with nerves, but it would have been okay, because it was them.
She was going to look Guqqie in the eyes, and the world was going to stop, time would slow, and they were going to feel like the only people on this goddamn miserable earth, but for a moment, they would be happy. Not just happiness in the form of bitter lies hidden behind the façade of fake smiles and tears when no one’s around, but true happiness.
His lips would upturn into a smile, and they were going to whisper, I think you are truly breathtaking. Then their lips were going to meet in a gentle kiss, lit only by the soft glow emitted by the moon. Flowers would surround their embrace, and they would sing with the wind, the stars would overlook the two lovers and they would shine just a little bit brighter in a perfect melody for the two of them.
Everything was going to be perfect.
None of that had happened. Instead, all Aimsey was left with was scars scattering their skin, leaving traces of pain wherever they lay, bruised skin, a broken horn, and an even more broken heart.
The pain in their arm was overbearing, small splotches of blue and purple painted their skin, and crimson red scored their arm in slashes. All they wanted to do was lie in bed, staring at the ceiling and cry until they couldn’t cry anymore, and their mind quietens a little.
Their house got closer and closer, and they could see the pink tulips suffocating the front of their house. The pink is nauseating and the pounding in their chest quickens as they stare aimlessly at the flowers. Seeing them sway in the wind, accompanied by insults, screams and blood.
Relief flooded into them as they stumbled through their door and into the house. Letting more tears fall and more sobs push through xeir throat and leave their mouth, bringing up a hand to try and muffle the sobs despite no one being near. Old habits die hard.
It kept replaying in star’s mind like a reel, Guqqie’s (?) laugh as they repeatedly brought the hilt of the sword down against their skin in swings, the sound of their horn cracking and breaking into hundreds of tiny pieces. The sight of blood covering their arms until no skin was visible. The fear they had felt when they saw Guqqie’s hand bleeding from holding the blade of the sword. How funny is that, still being worried for Guqqie even when they had wanted to hurt her.
Their house seemed eerily unfamiliar, and the echoes of their muffled sobs permanently tainted the walls, and happy memories were replaced by tears and screams. The house seemed larger than it ever had before, with just Aimsey, the vast empty space was even more suffocating. They thought this was their home, but perhaps Guqqie was their home the whole time.
The walls stared at them, never removing their gaze as they stared at Aimsey standing in the doorway, with tears staining their cheeks and blood running down their skin.
Without the light from the moon the house was dark. Too dark.
She stumbled into the house, the door closing behind them. Everything seemed to remind her of Guqqie, even with the littlest of things, his brain still found a way to connect Guqqie. Life seems meaningless without Guqqie. Does that make Aimsey a fool? A cliché? Perhaps just an idiot in love.
What’s the point of a life where Guqqie’s gentle giggles are absent, where upon waking up in the morning, they would be met with nothing but silence and a cold bed. Where Aimsey lived without Guqqie by their side. It seemed impossible, not even a thought plausible enough to encourage a single thought. But now, more than ever, it seemed more than likely.
They walked further into the house (no longer home), dragging their feet across the ground with difficulty, their mind spinning and the walls closing in on them.
Every step felt like they were just walking further and further away from their lover, from the bright star that held them when they cried, held them when they laughed, and held them when they hurt.
They were hurting, and they were crying. So why wasn’t she holding her?
The tears had slowed down slightly, only the occasional sob leaving their lips now. Sadness now replaced by the gentle buzz of numbness, how it feels like every emotion had been sucked out of them and all that remains is this.
They slid down against the wall, feeling the sharp rocks dig into their back painfully and leaving marks in the shape of suffering. They tightly hugged their arms to their chest, feeling the movement in their chest, grounding them as they listen to their choked breathing.
They pulled the bandages closer to them, and silently they wish that Guqqie was here to do it for him, but they’re alone, so they have to do it themselves.
Another sob leaves their mouth, they lurch forward and a tear falls.
Their heart longs helplessly for Guqqie. It’s beating out of their chest, calling for Guqqie and wishing, hoping that anyone would hear its frantic calls. Without Guqqie, the hole in their heart remains, and it grows. They cry along with their heart.
Every part of them misses Guqqie. There isn’t a single part of him that doesn’t miss them, and it hurts more than anything they’ve ever felt. They miss Guqqie, but maybe selfishly, they don’t want to see her.
Their heart screams for Guqqie, but their brain is scared. The image of Guqqie hitting them repeatedly with the hilt of the sword is burnt into their brain, and they’re so, so terrified.
They’re scared, and angry, and simply a fool in love.
They’re angry, and they want to scream at something, and yell until their voice is coarse. They’re angry, but they don’t think it’s at Guqqie. He doesn’t want to be angry with Guqqie, but they can still hear their menacing laughs behind the pain, and they think maybe they are.
But they know it’s not her fault. The stars never let him forget that.
They pull a piece of bandage from the roll and wrap it around their arm, securing it in place with a small piece of tape.
Blood quickly soaks through the material, and more tears fall down their face in a rhythmic stream, each tear trailing blood down their cheeks. The wounds hurt no less, and they still sting, but the small bouts of pain are welcomed. It helps to ease the pain sitting in their heart.
They remember when Guqqie used to do this for her, putting plasters on their skin, and leaving a gentle kiss on the wound. They would laugh and say just for good luck, and in that moment Aimsey would understand what people mean when they compare people to the sun.
They put unkissed bandages around their arm and head, and they hold the unkissed bruises on the cold floor to relieve some of the pain.
The stars stay silent as Aimsey cries and hopes for that kiss.
But there’s one wound that remains bleeding, and it worsens with every breath. The crack in their heart lets blood spill out, and they don’t think that ones fixable.
---------
The bench almost looks the same as it did before.
Pink tulips still surround the area, and the mere sight of them makes Aimsey’s stomach twist and her breathing quicken.
The bench almost looks the same, the one thing that’s missing is Guqqie. Aimsey stands here, arms folded across her chest, and it feels like a part of them is missing. He looks up to the stars and even they don’t seem to have answers for them.
Aimsey’s here, but Guqqie is not. No longer does the bench look familiar, because now, all Aimsey can see is despair and hurting. Guqqie’s not here and all it is is a reminder that they’re apart, separated by dozens of stars that keep that distance.
Normality quickly chips away, falling onto the bloodied ground and Aimsey truly hopes, with everything, that this doesn’t become their new normal. Despite being the one to run away, Aimsey wants nothing more than to be with Guqqie.
In the distance, the sun is setting. Pinks, oranges, and blues bleed through the sky in a gentle melody, and clouds dot the expanse elegantly. They used to say, never waste a perfect sunset. The sunset will never be perfect without Guqqie.
They hadn’t come back here for days, never truly being able to bring themselves to face this place again. But they faced their fears, and here they were. Part of them wants to turn around and run, again.
Because that’s all they seem to be able to do, run. They run and run until they regret, and then they come back. It’s the same thing over and over again. Aimsey’s sick of it. Why can’t they just stay, just for once? Can’t the universe give her that?
Their hands still shake where they rest on the bench by their sides, and their chest feels tight. They swear they can feel the pain they had felt that day, but no one’s there, they’re okay.
They repeat this to themself over and over again, until they actually start to believe the words they scream to himself.
I’m okay.
The sunset is beautiful, and its beauty blinds Aimsey. They want nothing more than to share their sight with their favourite person. But they can’t.
Tears prick in their eyes, and soon the sight of the sunset is no longer comforting. Soon it’s a reminder of what they let go, what they let slip through their fingers, they hate themselves for that.
Silence surrounds the field, and even the animals have gone still. Perhaps it’s just to add to the dramatics of this, a return to the place where everything went wrong. Perhaps it’s nothing more than a mere coincidence.
The silence shatters onto the ground, and the pieces sink slowly into the dirt until they completely disappear. Flowers grow in their place. Not pink tulips this time.
“Aimsey?”
The voice filters through the forest and its familiarity burns Aimsey’s head. The breeze carries their name through the wind, and it tastes like pain filled love, hearing their name come out of their mouth again. Hearing how gentle her voice gets when they say their name.
Guqqie sounds surprised, like they didn’t expect for Aimsey be back here, ever.
Aimsey almost can’t bring herself to look behind her, they squeeze their eyes shut and hope that by some miracle this is just a dream. Their heart tightens at the thought of Guqqie seeing his scars, seeing the large trails of red and brown scarring their skin. Tears fall at the thought of Guqqie seeing xeir broken horn, at the thought of seeing Guqqie’s guilt ridden eyes as they stare at their horn, knowing that in some way, it was her that did it.
The pink tulips around them scream with familiarity and Aimsey wants to rip them all up with their hands, they want the stars to burn them until they’re nothing more than ash.
“You’re back?” Guqqie speaks again, and less surprise fills her tone. Their voice still sounds like soft honey and warmth, like late nights dancing in the kitchen in the refrigerator light, and hot chocolates by the fireplace. Their voice still sounds like home.
(Aimsey never truly left, but it feels like they did.)
Aimsey doesn’t answer, but Guqqie seems like they expected that, and instead of pressing further she just walks around and sits down on the bench. Further than they were the first time, but closer than they had been for a while.
Aimsey doesn’t look up, or open his eyes. The sound of the wind fills their ears, and they have to stop themselves from imagining Guqqie’s eyes, the look on their face when they see the scars that will likely never fade covering star’s skin.
She hears Guqqie sigh, and their heart cracks even more. Knowing that they’re hurting the person they love more than the entire universe. More than every sky that dots the sky, more than the sun and the moon. Aimsey loves Guqqie so much that it ruins them. She doesn’t care.
“I can leave if you want, I know you said you wanted space, I just- I don’t know. I wanted to know if you were okay.” Her smile shines through her voice, and Aimsey can tell that they too, are trying to hold back tears (and failing quite miserably). She can hear the gentle sound of breathing from beside them, and the sound is still so comforting, it’s a sound that they want to stain their walls. They don’t want the screams, or the manic laughs, or the tears. They want this, the little moments, fleeting smiles, and soft giggles, they want that to fill their house with colour. Nothing else.
With a soft breath from Guqqie they softly speak again, the words so gentle that the wind could’ve blown them away. “I’m sorry.”
Aimsey feels their hands start to shake against the wooden bench, and a sob forces its way through her throat. Their hands flicker in and out of reality and it feels hard to concentrate on just one sound, and even the moon seems to be screaming at them.
“Aimsey? Are you okay?”
Aimsey feels a hand land on her arm, and out of instinct they flinch. The flashbacks command their mind and it’s all they can think about.
Pain. Blood. Screaming. Guqqie.
The hand quickly retracts with a quietly uttered apology. His breathing quickens even more and they feel like they’re having a heart attack. Tears stream down their face, and it reminds them of blood, and everything is too loud.
In between harsh sobs and choked breathing Aimsey seems to find their voice and brokenly chokes out a sound, that hardly audible, but of course Guqqie still understands.
“Why?”
“Why what?” Guqqie’s voice is pure, and it acts as a tether, grounding them to earth with just a simple word. Their love takes over all the self-hatred and the drowning screams, and in between a haze, not quite sure what’s real and what’s fake, they reach out and hold Guqqie’s hand.
Aimsey holds onto Guqqie’s hand so tightly, like they had done before. They feel Guqqie stiffen, like she wasn’t expected the contact. Aimsey goes to draw their hand away, but Guqqie just holds on tighter, running a thumb gently across their skin. The contact works to calm Aimsey down, tears still fall down their face, but now they can breathe.
She finally looks up at Guqqie. Their eyes meet and already, Guqqie’s pain filled stare works to break Aimsey’s heart. They hear Guqqie gasp quietly at the sight of Aimsey’s scars. They want the ground to open up beneath them, send them tumbling into a pit of nothingness. They had hurt Guqqie. How could they do that?
They look Guqqie in the eyes and everything seems to come racing out of their mouth in a pit of despair and hurt. It splashes onto the ground and paints the grass.
“Why are you so sweet? After everything I did, you sit here and help me, and ask me if I’m alright and I don’t- I don’t get it. It wasn’t you that hurt me, I know that, but I still left you. You did nothing and I yelled at you. Why aren’t you mad about that? I just- I don’t deserve you, Guq. I don’t.”
“You deserve to be angry, Aims. What happened to you was horrible. Maybe it wasn’t me that did it, but I reminded you of that, I just want you to be okay. If you couldn’t be okay around me then I was okay with giving you space, for however long you needed.”
Guqqie squeezes his hands and in turn Aimsey looks back up, tears glistening in the bottom of their eyes.
“I wanted to be with you, the whole time I just kept wishing I was with you but then I remembered that night and I’d start crying, and then I’d get mad, and then I’d wish I was with you even more. But I couldn’t.”
The words bring tears to their eyes and the sobs return, but this time Guqqie just pulls Aimsey towards them and holds them close. Aimsey helplessly sobs into the fabric on Guqqie’s shoulder, feeling a warm hand rub their back, drawing shapes onto their skin (they swear they can feel a heart).
A soft voice blooming in their ears, whispers that crawl across their skin, leaving trails of love across their endlessly scarred skin. “Shh, you’re okay. You’re safe, I promise, okay?”
In Guqqie’s arms, Aimsey feels safe. Everything around them fades away and all the hurt, and the pain seems to disappear just for a moment. The stars shine above the two lovers, and this time the darkness of the night doesn’t bring fear, but instead security.
In between breaths Aimsey begins to whisper, just gentle words that fly in the wind to intertwine with the stars. “I don’t know how you always manage to make me feel better. But you do. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you, and I’m sorry that I screamed at you, and I’m sorry that I ruined our date.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for, don’t worry Aims. And for what it’s worth I loved our date, because I was with you. That’s all I could have asked for.”
As soon as the words leave Guqqie’s mouth, they land gently on Aimsey’s heart. They race around, fixing the hole that was left in Aimsey’s heart from that day. Happiness blooming amongst all the pain that their heart holds.
A brief smile flashes across their face before falling slightly, they look away sheepishly and a look of question crosses Guqqie’s face at the movement.
Still looking away, Aimsey apologies for the thing that’s been weighing them down. Letting the words flow out of their lips with regret lacing them. Knowing that if they were just a braver person, they wouldn’t need to apologise for this.
“I’m sorry that I was too scared to kiss you.”
After a moments hesitation where Guqqie is slightly flustered she seems to find her words again, “you were going to kiss me?” Guqqie’s face colours deep red, and somehow, she manages to look even more beautiful dusted with the gentle blush. How did the stars let someone be so beautiful?
Aimsey tightens their arms around Guqqie, grabbing desperately at their sweater in a desperate plead for Guqqie to stay. To be there when the sun rises, and when the moon falls. To be there when they cry, and when they laugh. To just be here. “Yeah, when I went to the bench I had wanted to say that I thought you were truly breathtaking, and then I was going to kiss you. Clearly that didn’t work out.”
Aimsey chuckles gently, and just by the way their voice cracks they can tell that they’re on the verge of tears.
“That would have been lovely.” Guqqie whispers.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, it would have.”
Silence washes over them, the sun sets in the distance. It falls, and dips below the horizon. But Icarus is gone, and all that remains are two lovers sitting under the moonlight. The stars shine bright, and Aimsey begs of them to give them a happy ending. To let them have this, if only this.
After a moment Guqqie softly speaks again, “do you want a do over? I mean- only if you want of course.”
Aimsey turns their head to look Guqqie in the eyes. Melting against Guqqie at the sight of their eyes, the look of love that they shine. Guqqie is the epitome of love, and Aimsey never wants to stop loving.
“Yeah I’d- I’d like that.”
Aimsey looks at Guqqie’s lovesick smile and giggles, and giggles more when Guqqie laughs back. Guqqie smiles, and Aimsey can’t help but smile back. They’re weak, merely a fool in love, and they’d scream that from the rooftops without hesitation.
Aimsey rests their hands gently on Guqqie’s cheeks, looking into her eyes. They feel love rush through their body, and where their skin makes contact, it feels like their skin burns. They feel drunk on Guqqie, and if they could, they’d never leave Guqqie. Xey are going to keep Guqqie, they know it.
Aimsey’s smile softens, and they lean in towards Guqqie, letting words slip past their lips, “Guqqie, I think that you are truly breathtaking.”
Guqqie rests their hands on Aimsey’s waist, pulling them ever so slightly closer to them, wanting, needing to be as close as they can.
Aimsey closes the distance, and their lips meet in a warm song. Books, and movies all describe this moment. They say it’s like fireworks go off, like everything suddenly makes sense with the gentle connection of lips and souls. They’re right.
But the kiss is also love, and it feels incredibly right. Like everything in their life led up this moment, like it was inevitable. Aimsey wants to always remember this, put the memory in a safe place in his mind, so it’ll forever be stored in their memories.
The kiss is gentle, and its slow. It’s possibly life’s greatest beauty. They both smile into the kiss and it feels like home.
With hesitance, Aimsey pulls away from Guqqie, but only slightly. Their faces are still centimetres apart, and Aimsey can feel Guqqie’s hot breath on their cheeks. She rests her forehead against Guqqie’s and they smile at each other with all the love they can muster, feeling it drown them in a mist of feelings and emotion.
Aimsey lifts their head up slightly, leaning forward to press a gentle kiss on Guqqie’s forehead. Flowers bloom at the touch and the sun sets in the back. But there’s always the promise of tomorrow, life no longer seeming hopeless.
Guqqie holds Aimsey closer, still tucked close towards Guqqie’s chest until star rests their cheek against her chest. They mumble into their sweater, half hoping she don’t hear him, and half hoping she does. “I love you, Guq, I’m sorry.”
The arms around them tighten, and they take that as a sign that she did hear xem. They don’t expect them to say it back, comfortable just taking this, after so long of not being with Guqqie, they craved the closeness, the intimacy, and the love.
“I love you too, Aims. Forever and always.”
Overhead the moon shines, and it casts its glow across the world, from hidden corners to open fields. Thousands of stars sparkle up above, freckling the sky with hope. The stars sing, and everything seems like it’s going to be okay. Maybe not today, but someday. Everything will be okay.
Someday.