Work Text:
one
It all starts with a carelessly sketched oval on a canvas.
Hyunjin had wanted to draw a face - one that had kept reappearing in his dreams. However, no matter how many times he’d tried to outline the shape of the eyes, the slope of the nose or the gentle curve of the mouth, he’d never been satisfied with the outcome. Nothing that had shown up from under his pencil had come close to the features of the person he’d seen in his dreams.
But what had he expected? It’s not like it’s easy to draw someone you barely remember.
“You know,” Jisung announces his presence behind Hyunjin, “you’re not going to make any progress if you keep erasing everything.”
Hyunjin whips his head towards his friend in surprise. Jisung is leaning on the doorframe of his studio, stirring a mug of steaming coffee and donning a smug smile. The sight of him instantly puts Hyunjin in a good mood, overshadowing his fruitless attempts at sketching.
Right.
His countless failures at recalling someone from his own dreams.
“Don’t remind me,” Hyunjin groans, turning back to his easel and placing his pencil in the supply storage. Rubbing his eyes, he scowls at the mostly empty canvas once again, as if doing so will suddenly restore his memories.
“You’re staring at it as if you’re expecting the image to paint itself,” Jisung cackles as he walks up to Hyunjin to give his neck two comforting squeezes.
Hyunjin buries his face in his hands. “I get it,” he muffles through his fingers despite secretly enjoying the attention, “you can stop teasing me now.”
Jisung hums, taking a loud slurp from his coffee. Judging by the gasp that follows immediately after, it burns his tongue.
“What are you trying to draw anyways?” Jisung says, feigning nonchalance.
Hyunjin wants to laugh at him, but the question prompts his thoughts to wander elsewhere. For reasons he cannot fully grasp himself, he feels hesitant about sharing the inspiration behind this particular painting.
It’s not because he fears Jisung’s reaction - he is one of the kindest souls Hyunjin knows, the only friend he feels comfortable enough to be fully vulnerable in front of. Moreover, their connection had only grown stronger since Jisung cried in his arms a couple of months ago. They’ve been spending even more time together since: sleeping over in each other’s rooms, watching TV huddled into one another on the couch, talking about everything and nothing in particular in the depth of night. Jisung had even adopted a habit of keeping Hyunjin company while he paints, using the time to jot down some lyrics himself, or to ask insightful questions about Hyunjin’s art and the intentions behind it.
So Jisung is far from the reason why Hyunjin is feeling apprehensive about sharing this idea. If anyone would understand Hyunjin, it would actually be him. Still, Hyunjin takes his time gathering his thoughts, formulating his answer in a way that would make sense not only to Jisung, but to himself as well.
“I’ve been dreaming of someone,” Hyunjin utters at last, retrieving his pencil to trace the outline of the oval again. The mindless action helps relieve his frustration from earlier. “They appear in my dreams every now and then, and bring… this overwhelming sense of comfort? It’s like we communicate on some soul level or shit, where we don’t need to call our names or even see each other to know that we’re there for one another. Does that sound crazy?”
“Not at all,” Jisung denies despite looking confused, eyes wordlessly urging Hyunjin to keep going.
“I feel like I know them, or at least like I’ve seen them before,” Hyunjin continues, “but I always forget who they are before I wake up. So that’s why I want to draw their face. I feel like there’s going to be an answer in it of some sort, even if I’m not sure to what exactly.”
Jisung puckers his lips at that, nodding thoughtfully but more to himself than to Hyunjin. He starts running his thumb over his chin and Hyunjin doesn’t fail to notice the faint morning stubble visible there. Something about seeing Jisung in this “imperfect” state, reserved for their dorms when they don’t have a schedule in the upcoming days, makes Hyunjin feel inexplicably endeared.
“Why don’t you try capturing the feeling instead?” Jisung perks up all of a sudden.
There is a familiar spark in his eyes, the one Hyunjin usually takes note of when Jisung is inspired, or talking about an interest of his.
“What do you mean?” Hyunjin asks complaisantly, feeling his lips spread into a smile.
“What you’re looking for is a face you can’t recall. Why don’t you try drawing the things you might already have in your head, like the place in the dream, random objects that appeared in it, or even the actions that brought you comfort?”
Hyunjin’s mouth falls agape at Jisung’s suggestion. It feels obvious now that he thinks about it - people are usually the most vivid part about a dream, but dreams are also much more than those they’re shared with. They’re puzzles of actors, sure, but also places, objects, circumstances and feelings. So maybe Hyunjin needs to start from the edge pieces in order to get the full picture - that’s how most people do puzzles anyways.
“It’s like writing a song, when you think about it,” Jisung suggests another analogy. “You can write about the feeling you want to convey, but the message would fall flat if you don’t put it into context. That’s why you use a narrative, or describe the environment your story is set in. Maybe you can apply this same approach to painting. Maybe if you figure out the setting of your dream, or the things that brought you comfort, the face will come along on its own.”
Jisung has a point. If Hyunjin completes most of the puzzle, then what are a couple of missing pieces here and there? If he gets this far, perhaps he would be able to fill in the gaps himself. The identity of the person would probably be obvious by then. And Hyunjin would have the answer he’s looking for, without even having to come up with a question.
Hyunjin feels so thankful to Jisung for finding a solution to one of his problems. But on second thought, Jisung always does - especially when Hyunjin’s concerns are related to emotions or art. Jisung seems to be exceptionally well-versed in those.
Hyunjin far exceeds the appropriate time to respond to Jisung’s rambling, so he holds his gaze and grins instead, hoping that his expression conveys his gratitude. And Jisung mirrors Hyunjin’s expression, reassuring him that he understands even without words involved.
There is, however, something unfamiliar and unreadable in his eyes, something Hyunjin can’t put a name to. He eventually gives up trying to decipher it, writing it off as him overthinking. Or Jisung himself overthinking. Both aren’t unheard of.
Before Jisung leaves him alone to prepare himself breakfast, Hyunjin’s eyes land on his mug of coffee for a split second.
Something in his mind falls into place.
Hyunjin removes the empty canvas from the easel, fetching his sketchbook instead. He knows he’ll return to the painting of that dream person somewhere along the line. For now, he’ll focus on the imagery that he can recall - like the clouds of steam rising from a big white mug, and the tan, delicate hands with sweater paws wrapped around it for extra warmth.
two
After another long and exhausting day of dance practice, the only thing Hyunjin wants to do is to hole up in his room, eat some snacks and maybe cry to a drama.
Dancing never used to leave him in such a state, at least not until he injured his wrist during tour. Even though the initial, most painful stage of healing was long over, Hyunjin still feels pain sometimes, especially on days when he unintentionally overworks himself.
But he pushes through, since it’s not all that bad. The pain is an inconvenience more than anything - it limits some of his movements, but it’s not enough of an excuse to slack during practice. So he grits his teeth and tries to ignore it. It’s better for the team this way.
It benefits him, too - he is more or less fine , after all. Not acknowledging his pain prevents the members from doting on him needlessly. And he can always take care of himself after practice, whether that would be massaging his wrist or shedding the tears he’d kept in all throughout the day, undisturbed in his room.
Except today, someone decides to knock on his door.
Hyunjin sighs, already knowing that he would have to let them in. They might suspect something’s wrong otherwise. “Come in,” he calls out, rolling in his bed to face the door.
Hyunjin’s only half-surprised when he sees Jisung walking in, turning on the lights with his entrance. He usually deals with exhaustion in a similar manner to Hyunjin, secluding himself until he feels energised enough to communicate with others again. Which either means he isn’t tired today, or that there’s important company gossip to go over.
Either way, Hyunjin finds he’s not all that opposed to his presence.
Jisung approaches Hyunjin’s bed with an unusual urgency in his step. Hyunjin’s eyes travel up to his face, where he’s met with an accordant serious expression - one he isn’t used to seeing.
Hyunjin sits up, grimacing only slightly at the weight the motion puts on his wrist. “Jisung-ah, is anything wrong?”
“Give me your hand,” Jisung interjects, not even bothering to look back at Hyunjin, eyes trained on something next to him instead.
It takes Hyunjin a second to process Jisung’s words and realise he’s looking at his wrist.
“H-how would you know?” Hyunjin splutters, but still stretches his arm towards Jisung, feeling as if in a haze.
Jisung gently places both of his hands around Hyunjin’s wrist, examining it with a concentrated expression that gives him more credit than he probably deserves: “I was right,” Jisung murmurs under his nose, “it looks a bit swollen. You shouldn’t have pushed yourself this far.”
Hyunjin opens his mouth to defend himself, but gets cut off by Jisung once again: “Be right back!”
Just like that, Hyunjin is left alone and bewildered in his room for long enough to retrace the events of the day, wondering where he went wrong. It’s not the first time he’s been in pain during practice - hell, he had to wear a brace for the entirety of their last comeback’s preparation and promotions. He’s had more than enough opportunities to learn to conceal his pain.
Yet here Jisung is, reentering his room purposefully, carrying a couple of cold patches. (There are certain benefits to living with three fitness maniacs, Hyunjin reckons - they always have pain relief available).
“May I have your hand?” Jisung asks jokingly, the firmness behind his request discernible nevertheless.
“We’re too young for that!” Hyunjin plays along, but immediately regrets it.
He feels his sides heating up at the implications of what he’d said, and it takes him a moment to remember that he’s supposed to let Jisung place the cold patches on his wrist. This only seems to embarrass him further, for Hyunjin loses all ability to look at Jisung, the silence between them uncomfortable for him like never before.
In an attempt to distract Jisung from the sudden lull in their conversation, Hyunjin starts kneading his fingers over his wrist as he stretches both of his arms towards him. Maybe the action will frame his awkwardness as a result of his pain, and not of his thoughts wandering in an unforeseeable direction.
Jisung takes Hyunjin’s hand unceremoniously, appearing unfazed by Hyunjin’s sudden change of behaviour. Contrary to Hyunjin’s expectations, however, he doesn’t put the patches onto his wrist and then leave him in solitude. Instead, he carefully removes Hyunjin’s hand and replaces it with his own, beginning to massage Hyunjin’s wrist himself.
This definitely doesn’t help Hyunjin’s case.
“Tell me if it hurts,” Jisung whispers as he scoots closer to Hyunjin.
Hyunjin quite literally squeaks in response, praying that it’s understandable he’d meant to respond with an “okay”. He isn’t running the risk of uttering something just as embarrassing for the second time in a row, for reasons unbeknownst to him. Because since when is he this nervous to be around Jisung? And why does he care whether he’d embarrass himself in front of Jisung in the first place?
“To answer your question from earlier,” Jisung takes him out of his thoughts, which Hyunjin welcomes. “You tend to become somewhat unreachable when you’re in pain during dance practice. You stop talking to us, like you’re avoiding us on purpose. I first noticed it right after the injury, and it still happens sometimes. That's how I know.” Jisung lifts his head towards Hyunjin for a split-second, revealing a worried, yet also affectionate gaze. “You’re not all that sly,” he teases, as if to lighten the conversation, even if by little.
Hyunjin is at a loss for words, stunned at just how observant and perceptive Jisung has yet again proven himself to be. All of a sudden, guilt washes over Hyunjin, and he can’t help but feel stupid for hiding his pain - from Jisung, but also from the rest of the members.
“But I don’t want to hold everyone back,” he says as a last resort. It’s the line of thought that has motivated his actions all along. He can’t allow his weaknesses to stand between the team and its goals. Everyone has made sacrifices for the group before, and now is simply Hyunjin’s turn to place himself second.
Jisung, however, seems to be prepared to retort this statement as well. “Taking the time to rest doesn’t mean you’re holding us back, Hyunjin-ah,” he says gently, placing the cold patches on Hyunjin’s wrist at last and then proceeding to envelop him in a tight hug.
There is a sudden sinking feeling in Hyunjin’s stomach.
He reciprocates the gesture, wrapping his uninjured arm around Jisung and digging his fingers in his T-Shirt to express his appreciation. They stay like that for a minute, or maybe more, after which Jisung pulls back and reaches for Hyunjin’s hand, intertwining their fingers together.
“Next time you’re in pain, tell me right away, okay?”
The plea in Jisung’s voice doesn’t go unnoticed by Hyunjin. And he finds himself nodding affirmatively, before even having fully processed what he’s promising. But Jisung’s words of reassurance had been said with so much care, so much credence that Hyunjin probably wouldn’t have disagreed with them, even if he’d had the time to think them through.
Maybe Jisung’s right, and Hyunjin really needs to accept a break every now and then. It might take Hyunjin some time to believe it, indeed. But at least he knows Jisung will always be there to remind him of it.
(Later, in the wee hours of the morning, Hyunjin is leaning against the headboard of his bed, a sketchbook resting on his lap, watercolours scattered on his bedside table. On the paper, intertwined fingers take shape against a warm-toned background, as seen in the dream he’d just woken up from. A feeling of comfort oozes through the artwork, and within Hyunjin himself.)
three
“How has your crush situation been, Jisung-ah?” Hyunjin utters against Jisung’s chest, half-asleep.
They’re snuggling on the couch in the dorm’s living room, alone and using the opportunity to catch up on the romantic drama they’ve been watching every now and then. Even though Hyunjin had been the one to choose it, he’d lost the plot long ago, growing frustrated with the slow pace the story was unravelling at. Jisung really seems to enjoy it, however - he’d once confessed that the lead’s experiences reminded him of his own. It hadn’t been hard for Hyunjin to put two and two together and realise the love interest’s romantic constipation probably reminded Jisung of his own unrequited crush.
It’s an undeniably sad situation to be in. But if Jisung’s crush is anything like that character, this whole ordeal must be frustrating for him more than anything. Hyunjin would never be able to patiently wait around for someone that oblivious to their own feelings.
Surprisingly, Jisung hasn’t brought up the person he loves in front of Hyunjin since their initial conversation about them. The last thing Hyunjin would suspect is that Jisung is already over his infatuation, since he hasn’t stopped writing the heart-wrenching romantic songs he’s known for. Nevertheless, he has been carrying himself differently lately - he seems way more serene and confident, way happier than he was that night all those months ago.
Maybe that’s why Hyunjin asks him this question without any consideration, curious whether Jisung’s outlook has changed.
Though as soon as he feels Jisung tense up from under him, he immediately regrets his spur-of-the-moment decision.
“It’s just like it’s always been,” Jisung responds after a beat, and to Hyunjin’s relief, relaxes just as quickly as he’d stiffened. His voice sounds calm and collected in comparison to last time, when it had trembled, revealing a sort of tentativeness uncharacteristic for him - at least not when it comes to expressing emotions.
Now, though, he gives the impression that he’s made peace with everything.
“I’ve decided to listen to your advice,” Jisung supplies after Hyunjin does not react to his answer for a couple of seconds.
“My advice?” Hyunjin echoes, not recalling. “To confess?” He takes a guess. That’s what he would personally do in Jisung’s position, regardless of what reaction would await him.
“To give it some time,” Jisung makes a brief pause. “That’s what I’m doing now.”
Hyunjin is dumbfounded - more by his own past words than the revelation that Jisung has taken them to heart. After all, he already assumed that the flame of Jisung’s feelings hadn’t died out. But something about Hyunjin’s suggestion for Jisung to simply wait, to let go of control in the situation doesn’t sit right with him in the present.
Jisung deserves the most beautiful love, one where he gets to express his vulnerabilities and the depth of his emotions freely, fearlessly. The Jisung Hyunjin saw that night had been everything but - he appeared like a shell of himself, someone full of self-doubt, regret and dejection. Telling him that his crush might eventually change their mind and come around had been Hyunjin’s way of offering him comfort at the time. But ultimately, wasn’t this approach the exact thing keeping Jisung from getting closure all along? Especially when Jisung had been so convinced that he was the only one in love?
Hyunjin felt guilty for giving Jisung this sense of false hope - it had done essentially nothing to better his circumstances. Instead of pursuing someone he had a chance with, Jisung spent all this time stuck on someone who didn’t want him the same way. And now he’s grown so used to the feeling of unreciprocated love that he’s become numb to it.
Except if this numbness, this peace Hyunjin has been observing in Jisung lately, stems from something else.
“Do you think your person actually likes you back?” He asks as soon as he catches up to his own thoughts.
It makes sense - maybe Jisung had seen a sign that had convinced him of the mutuality of his pining. Or perhaps someone familiar with both Jisung and his crush had given him their outsider perspective, encouraging him to keep waiting around, just a bit longer.
Maybe Jisung’s person isn’t an ungrateful idiot unable to see Jisung for who he is at the end of the day. Maybe there actually is a reason why Jisung is so head-over-heels for them.
Hyunjin doesn’t know why this realisation stings a little.
“I have no clue,” Jisung shrugs dismissively, “I hope they do. Do you wanna know what I’m sure of, though?”
Hyunjin lifts his head, turning towards Jisung’s face and propping his chin on his chest. He can’t hide his curiosity, even if he wants to.
Jisung giggles and it sounds like music to Hyunjin’s ears. He leans in towards Hyunjin’s face, as if about to let him in on a secret. It’s the two of them in the apartment, so the action’s pretty unnecessary - there is no one to eavesdrop on their conversation. Hyunjin is delighted nevertheless, appreciating Jisung’s playful gaze on his. It makes it seem as if the information he’s about to share, at least for now, is meant to graze Hyunjin’s ears only.
“I’m sure that,” Jisung begins, and Hyunjin’s breath hitches in his throat in anticipation, “if they do feel the same, well…”
“Well?” Hyunjin questions, resisting the urge to shake Jisung.
“Then they must be incredibly stupid for not having realised it yet.”
Hyunjin scoffs out a laugh, his action so sudden that he almost chokes on air. He is only slightly disappointed at the knowledge being nothing new, at least to him, but Jisung’s grin at his reaction makes up for that.
Hyunjin is dying to know who this person is. Jisung is clearly close to them, enough to mock them like that. Hyunjin knows he himself needed a long time to start taking Jisung’s playful remarks for what they were, and not for ill-intentioned blows to his ego.
“I don’t think they’d appreciate you talking about them like that,” Hyunjin comments nevertheless, “what if they find out you’ve called them ‘incredibly stupid’?”
“Oh trust me,” Jisung smirks, “They’ve heard worse.”
There is something triumphant in Jisung’s eyes, as if he thrives on Hyunjin’s confusion.
“Do you two have a rivalry?” Hyunjin asks, completely lost.
Jisung cackles in response, “You could say that, sure.”
“How romantic,” Hyunjin deadpans, not being able to place why he’s become sulky all at once.
“You can’t even begin to imagine,” Jisung says elatedly, and the devilish look in his eyes annoys Hyunjin so much that he returns to his previous position of lying on Jisung’s chest.
Hyunjin stares at the TV, pretending to watch the drama, but he barely registers anything happening on the screen. Thoughts about Jisung’s mysterious person fog Hyunjin’s mind as he tries to gather all of the information he already knows about them, which isn’t a lot. He only knows that Jisung has loved them for a while and that they have a push-and-pull dynamic, or some sort of rivalry. And with Jisung, this could be virtually anyone in their circles.
Of course, Hyunjin could ask Jisung if he wants to know this badly. But if Jisung hasn’t shared this himself yet, then is it fair to expect it from him? To assume that there is no reason for him to be withholding it from Hyunjin?
Furthermore, Hyunjin feels sick to his stomach at the thought of finding out. If the person turns out to be someone Hyunjin wouldn’t deem good for Jisung, he would have to keep his concerns mostly to himself, pretending to be happy for his friend at any new development of the relationship.
And Hyunjin isn’t sure whether he would be able to do that.
“How about you, Hyunjin-ah?” Jisung says after a couple of minutes of silence, prompting Hyunjin to turn to look at him once again. There seems to be a bitter note in Jisung’s voice, but Hyunjin quickly brushes it off as a figment of his imagination.“I, I mean… have you felt something for someone since you painted that picture?”
Truthfully, Hyunjin hasn’t looked at that painting ever since he completed it. It’s currently gathering dust somewhere in the back of his studio, its front side against a wall because that’s how much he doesn’t want to see it. Something about the artwork had started to feel wrong mere days after Hyunjin had proudly displayed it on the easel. Because Hyunjin had no longer resonated with the emotions expressed through the painting.
He guesses that this is probably a stupid reason to stop liking one’s own work. He is also a firm believer that his feelings are always valid, regardless of how fleeting they might be. However, witnessing Jisung’s breakdown, his profound defeat that night, had shown Hyunjin that love isn’t always the joyful and effortless experience represented in the media he likes. It is more of a practice, an art form much like painting or songwriting, which requires a great deal of dedication and work at all times in order to develop beautifully. And sometimes, in cases like Jisung’s, love is a seemingly impossible feat, for it doesn’t matter how much effort one puts into the act of loving when this effort goes unreciprocated. Love could be the cause behind many positive emotions, but it could also bring an unimaginable kind of pain - one Hyunjin had always failed to consider when he’d pitied himself for never having cared for somebody so deeply.
So in the weeks following his heart-to-heart with Jisung, Hyunjin had completely shifted his perspective on love. He’d realised how much he’d idealised it and concluded that he probably wasn’t ready to experience it if he couldn’t see it like it is. Eventually, his romantic loneliness had also gradually dissipated, as if he had somehow locked up most of it in that painting and the memory of the night when he’d created it.
All that’s left in him now is contentment with the life he has, and love and appreciation for the people he’s surrounded by. Most notably, appreciation for Jisung, who had shown him this other, more realistic face of love.
“I haven’t had a crush on anyone, if that’s what you’re asking,” Hyunjin responds at last, hesitating on how to put his emotions into words. “But I don’t know, it also feels like I know love now. It’s weird. There isn’t anyone particular in my mind, but I realised a thing or two lately, and my heart has been full of love ever since.”
“You might finally be at ease with your single status,” Jisung jokes, although the tinge of sadness on his face is still present.
No Hyunjin, you’re imagining things.
“I actually am,” Hyunjin tentatively confirms, and Jisung’s mouth forms an ‘o’-shape. “Okay, maybe not entirely,” he takes it back. “But the way I feel right now… it’s very similar to how I imagine love feels like.”
He does not specify what he means by “now”. At this point in his life? Currently, in this room, cuddled up to his best friend? Frankly, he doesn’t know either.
Jisung’s expression softens at Hyunjin’s confession, as if he can sense his uncertainty.
“Then relish in it, Hyunjin-ah,” he says as he places his hand in Hyunjin’s hair, running his fingers through it tenderly. His eyes sparkle with understanding and fondness, so maybe Hyunjin really was reading too much into his features just a couple of seconds ago. “Why question love when you can love instead?” Jisung continues, twisting a strand of Hyunjin’s hair around one of his fingers. “As painful as it could be… there is nothing more wonderful than that.”
And there it is, this sinking feeling again. Hyunjin could definitely get used to it with some time.
Just like he could get used to allowing himself to love. Rejoicing in the feeling, as Jisung had advised, without questioning it, fearing the prospect of pain, or (if Hyunjin may add) expecting anything in exchange for it.
Because why do all that when he could simply love ?
Jisung and Hyunjin don’t speak anymore until the end of the episode, but they huddle even closer to one another, letting their bodies do the talking. Hyunjin closes his eyes in joy and tries implementing Jisung’s advice right away, conveying all the care and admiration and love he has for his friend through intentional, gentle touches. Just like that, he eventually drifts into a restful slumber, his heartbeat syncing with the rising and falling of Jisung’s chest.
(During this nap, Hyunjin dreams of his person again, holding him in a position much similar to the one he had fallen asleep in. And even though Hyunjin still doesn’t remember their face when he wakes up, he excitedly sketches the pink slippers they’d had on, as well as the room the two of them had been in, somehow feeling closer to his answer than ever before.)
1
The first thing Hyunjin sees upon waking up is the freckle on Jisung’s cheek. He has a strange urge to poke it, but restricts himself in order to not wake his friend up.
It takes him a second to realise that he actually wouldn’t be able to do it either way, because Jisung has trapped him in the tightest hug Hyunjin has probably ever experienced while they were sleeping. Or before that. Hyunjin was so tired after last night’s dance practice that he barely even remembers how he crawled into bed, let alone why Jisung is sleeping next to him.
It’s not like he’s opposed to it though. Jisung’s hugs are always warm and therefore welcomed, especially during the cold months. Basking in them on a lazy morning like today’s makes Hyunjin feel like he’s pulling a blanket over his head. Like he’s attempting to continue dreaming after being interrupted by an alarm that was never supposed to ring.
Wait a minute.
Hyunjin had dreamt right before waking up. Something that had made his heart race and filled his stomach with swarms of butterflies. And the more he thinks about it, the more memories start resurfacing in his mind, forming a disjointed picture. A sunrise, a rooftop, a picnic blanket. Hyunjin feels like he’s trying to put together a puzzle without having its reference photo. Yet he still closes his eyes and tries to recall as many details as he can.
And then he remembers the most important piece of the puzzle. Just a couple of minutes ago, Hyunjin had been visited by his person again.
And this time around, Hyunjin is able to visualise them better than ever before.
They’d been sitting on a picnic blanket next to Hyunjin, the two of them looking towards the rising sun from the rooftop of an apartment building. The person had worn a blazer dressed down with jeans, a turtleneck and black ankle boots. One of their hands had been resting on top of Hyunjin’s, its fingernails covered in pale pink nail polish. And Hyunjin still can’t recall the exact features of the person’s face, but there had been something familiar about the light brown locks framing it. He could definitely figure out the rest as he goes. It’s better to think about the missing pieces in due course than to not start the puzzle at all, right?
Hyunjin has to get to his studio immediately.
As gently as he can, Hyunjin slips out of Jisung’s embrace, putting his pillow where he’d previously lied. Jisung stirs in his sleep but doesn’t wake up. Nevertheless, there is a small frown on his lips, one Hyunjin has to take a picture of before he leaves the room at last.
After that, it’s serious business only. Hyunjin powerwalks into his studio, not even bothering to say “hi” to Chan and Changbin who are having breakfast at the kitchen table while hunched over Chan’s laptop. As soon as Hyunjin has retrieved that mostly empty canvas from a couple of weeks ago, he starts squirting every paint colour he sees onto a random unwashed palette - the more there are, the merrier, since he has no idea which colours he will actually end up using. And it’s not much longer before Hyunjin begins to translate the imagery in his mind onto the canvas, this time without bothering to outline anything in advance.
His brushstrokes are sporadic and careless, but bold and intentional just the same. Nothing takes shape immediately, but Hyunjin continues layering colours on top of colours with determination, until eventually, after an hour or maybe two, everything from his memory is to be seen on the canvas. The sunrise. The rooftops. The picnic blanket. Every little thing Hyunjin could recollect about the person’s appearance. Even his own hand under theirs at the very bottom of the composition.
Everything, except the person’s face.
Hyunjin sits back, eyeing his painting up and down, as if doing so will somehow unlock a new memory and help him add the finishing touches. He stares to the point where everything he’s already painted stops making sense, like he is already forgetting the very imagery that inspired the artwork. This brings him a sense of déjà-vu, somehow.
“Dude, this is sick,” Jisung gasps from behind Hyunjin, startling him with his presence. Hyunjin whips his head in Jisung’s direction, met with the sight of him rubbing the sleep away from his eyes with his sweater paws. He looks so cute that Hyunjin forgets to respond to the compliment.
“Oh my god,” Jisung’s eyes widen all of a sudden. “Are those the clothes I wore yesterday? Did you draw me?”
Hyunjin furrows his eyebrows. “What? No, I-”
He turns back to the painting to scan its elements, explain to Jisung who he’d actually meant to draw.
And then he drops his paintbrush on the floor.
“Everything okay?” Jisung asks with slight concern, coming closer to Hyunjin.
“I… yes,” Hyunjin voices out, realising that his mouth had been hanging open. He wants to look at Jisung, send him a soft reassuring smile and return to painting, but he is physically unable to move. It’s like his brain is too preoccupied with his thoughts to command his body into action.
Because it really is Jisung painted on the canvas. Everything about the person he’d drawn - their hairstyle, their skin colour, their build, their clothes, even their pose - is an unmistakable characteristic of Jisung’s. Not only to outside observers, but even to Jisung himself.
Every time Hyunjin had been with this person in his dream, he’d done something he would normally reserve for Jisung in his real life. Like drinking coffee, hand-holding, or sleepy cuddles on the couch. Even his most recent dream, which isn’t something he’s necessarily experienced, is a scenario he would recreate with Jisung and Jisung only.
It’s called a date, you idiot.
And Hyunjin is an idiot, isn’t he? He’s incredibly stupid, just like Jisung had described his own crush. All those times Hyunjin’s stomach had sunk around Jisung, all those moments when he’d felt random pangs of jealousy, hell, even this occasion from a couple of minutes ago when he’d thought to himself that Jisung is cute. All of these instances should’ve indicated to Hyunjin that maybe, just maybe, he feels like he knows love now because he actually is in love.
The last puzzle piece to his painting, the answer to the question Hyunjin had never been able to formulate. This is none other than Jisung himself.
Hyunjin has been in love with Jisung all along.
“It looks amazing, Hyunjin-ah. It’s so random though, did you like my outfit that much? And what’s with the sunset in the background?”
“Jisung-ah,” Hyunjin finally gathers up the courage to face him. “This might sound crazy, but… I think I’m kind of in love with you.”
The unrealised weight on Hyunjin’s shoulders vanishes into thin air as soon as the words slip out of his mouth. His heart speeds up with exhilaration, but ultimately, he feels relief. Relief for finally coming to terms with his truth.
Across from him, however, it’s as if all blood has drained from Jisung’s face. “Please don’t say stuff you don’t mean,” Jisung utters, eyes fixed on the floor, fingers pulling nervously at his sleeves.
Hyunjin doesn’t know what to make of Jisung’s plea. Why would he assume Hyunjin is being disingenuous? And why would that make him this sad if he doesn’t feel the same?
“I’m dead serious, Jisung-ah!” Hyunjin says earnestly, the desperation in his voice obvious even to himself. “Remember how you helped me figure out how to draw the person I was dreaming of? Well, I’ve accidentally drawn you because that person has been you and I just now realised it!”
Jisung lifts his gaze, still appearing gloomy, confused, but more than anything, sceptical. It breaks Hyunjin’s heart, because he’s being a hundred percent truthful. He might have been oblivious to his feelings for the longest time, but now that he’s aware of them, he can’t be more sure that he loves Jisung. So how the hell does he make his words believable? How does he prove a realisation so sudden that he is still processing it himself?
His sketchbook.
Of course! He’d stored all bits and pieces he could recollect from his dreams there. All of those elements that bear some sort of connection to Jisung, at least in Hyunjin’s perception. If he only manages to assure Jisung of the same-
Hyunjin fetches his sketchbook from one of the storage drawers in the studio, beginning to frantically turn the pages until he gets to the drawing of a white mug he’d made a couple of weeks ago. Jisung’s mug, to be exact.
Urging Jisung to step closer and look over his shoulder, Hyunjin begins explaining: “You told me to draw objects and places from my dreams, right?” He asks, turning his head towards Jisung to confirm that he’s nodding. “This is your coffee mug,” he states, pointing at the sketch - the first of many. “I- I never realised I drew your favourite one, and now that I think about it, I am not even sure I saw it in my dreams to begin with, but…”
“I was drinking from it that day,” Jisung mumbles from under his nose, and Hyunjin turns back to him to send him a smile. Jisung doesn’t respond, eyes set on something past Hyunjin, and even past the sketchbook itself.
Hyunjin doesn’t know whether this is good or bad.
So he flips through another couple of pages, giving Jisung a rundown of the sketches on them and how they potentially relate to him. His voice is shaky and he talks faster than he usually does, anxiety growing by the minute.
“... Here are your hands, I-” Hyunjin continues, accidentally folding the page as he turns it. “I drew this the night after you brought me ice for my wrist.”
He looks at Jisung again, biting down on his lip nervously. One more time, he is met with silence, except Jisung’s cheeks are the colour of crimson right now.
Hyunjin decides to interpret this as a good sign, and proceeds to the next page. “Oh my,” he giggles at himself as soon as he sees the drawing on it, “are those your slippers?”
It’s as if this is what Jisung needs to snap out of his trance-like state. When Hyunjin checks, Jisung is looking down at his feet where he is - like Hyunjin had assumed - indeed wearing a pair of pink fluffy slippers.
Hyunjin laughs in delight, shaking Jisung’s hand playfully. “This is ridiculous, who would even draw a pair of slippers just like that… If this doesn’t prove I’m genuine I-”
The words die out in Hyunjin’s throat as he catches another glance at Jisung, who looks as if he is going to cry at any moment. Guilt, regret and anger take over Hyunjin’s coherent thoughts, making him feel like the world is crumbling beneath his feet.
I am so selfish , Hyunjin berates himself. I wasn’t considerate of Jisung’s emotions at all.
Because amidst his euphoria, Hyunjin had forgotten one important detail - no, scratch that, he’d forgotten what matters most in this situation.
That Jisung is already in love with someone else.
Hyunjin’s eyes fill with tears all at once. What had he been thinking? That Jisung would’ve been happy for him just because he’d once encouraged him not to suppress his love? That Jisung would not feel burdened by having to let him down? Or because he’s already into someone else?
“I’m so sorry…” Hyunjin chokes out, burying his face in his hands and turning his back to Jisung. “I don’t know what I was thinking, I didn’t mean to dump this on you all of a sudden.”
Jisung doesn’t respond. Hyunjin wonders whether he might be crying as well.
“You’re in love with someone else, and I should’ve considered that. I-” Hyunjin sniffs, trying to hold in his sobs, “I was just happy to finally know what’s been keeping me up at night and I didn’t even think before… You… I mean, nothing between us has to change, we can pretend this never happened, we-”
“Yah!” Jisung exclaims, hitting Hyunjin’s shoulder with force. Hyunjin yelps, turning just in time to catch two streaks of tears escaping Jisung’s eyes while he’s simultaneously donning an exasperated expression Hyunjin hasn’t seen since their pre-debut days. “You really are stupid as fuck!” Jisung yells, hitting Hyunjin once more.
“What do you mea-” Hyunjin shields himself, the shock from the sudden shift in mood drying his eyes.
“What I mean is,” Jisung takes a deep breath, sounding no less angry, “I am kind of in love with you too! You idiot, how did you not realise it by now?”
Hyunjin gasps, letting the words sink in. He’d felt like the world was crumbling beneath his feet earlier, but now it’s as if everything around him collapses, making space for something new, something beautiful.
Because Jisung also loves him.
“I-” Hyunjin smiles with embarrassment, scratching the back of his neck. “I don’t know, okay! You just looked so shaken that I couldn’t even begin to assume it was mutual-”
“Oh, excuse me for having a hard time taking all of this in,” Jisung interrupts with laughter of disbelief in between his words, “I just thought my feelings were unrequited for years ! Cut me some slack!”
Jisung’s tone is lighthearted, but something breaks in Hyunjin at his confession regardless. That night when Jisung had cried in his arms about his unrequited love, the impossibility to communicate his feelings - he’d been talking about Hyunjin back then. And Hyunjin is only now seeing the whole picture, beginning to hold himself accountable for all the pain he’s caused Jisung. Just because it took him ages to come to terms with something that has probably been with him for just as long as it has been with Jisung.
New tears start prickling in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” Hyunjin cries out an apology again. “For taking so long to come around. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you...”
He finally dissolves into sobs, this time not bothering to hide it from Jisung. Their affections are mutual and now they both know it, but does that negate all the pain Jisung has had to go through?
“Hey,” Jisung coos, making Hyunjin stand up and gathering him in his arms. The softness of his gesture makes Hyunjin short of breath. “Shhh, it’s all in the past now,” Jisung reassures, placing his palm on the back of Hyunjin’s head and patting it a couple of times. From the corner of his vision, Hyunjin notices Jisung’s standing on his tippy-toes only. “What matters is that you did come around.”
Hyunjin takes some time to calm down, eventually resting his head on Jisung’s shoulder so that their heights are evened out. Focusing on Jisung’s breathing, on his accelerated heartbeat that he can feel where their chests are touching, Hyunjin gradually comes down from this climax of conflicting emotions.
“I could’ve been kissing you all along,” Hyunjin mumbles into Jisung’s shoulder, hoping to make Jisung laugh.
He earns another hit instead, this time to his butt. “Yah! You say that as if it’s too late now!”
“It kind of is!” Hyunjin chuckles, straightening up to look Jisung in the eyes again. “You were heartbroken, some kisses would’ve definitely cheered you up.”
Jisung’s mouth drops in a scandalised manner. “Like I wouldn’t need them now!”
He looks ready to fight Hyunjin at any given moment, and Hyunjin can’t help but smile at his successful attempt to rile him up. There is something endearing about an angered Jisung, even though Hyunjin must confess, there is hardly a side of Jisung that he doesn’t find endearing.
“I can’t believe I listened to you and waited all this time,” Jisung rambles on, and Hyunjin’s cheeks start hurting from how wide he’s smiling. “You’re so oblivious, I deserve some serious compensation!”
“And you’ll get it,” Hyunjin smirks, reaching to hold Jisung by the waist.
Jisung’s cheekiness is gone in an instant, replaced by surprise and what appears to be nervous anticipation. He pulls himself together quickly, though, cupping Hyunjin’s face and pulling it closer to his.
For a beat, the two of them just stare into each other’s eyes, taking in the intensity of the moment. Hyunjin is the first one to dare to break eye contact, glancing at Jisung’s lips and feeling his ears heat up immediately after. He can’t help himself, though - the prospect of kissing Jisung is making him unusually giddy.
“I can’t believe this is actually happening,” Jisung confesses before finally leaning in to close the gap between them.
Hyunjin chuckles at the comment, and the hint of a smile doesn’t leave his lips even after the two of them sink into a gentle, long-awaited kiss.
A couple of hours later, Hyunjin is lazing around in bed with Jisung, enjoying the warm rays of sunlight seeping through the half-closed curtains of his room. Jisung is stroking Hyunjin’s hair, and Hyunjin himself is squeezing Jisung’s middle, eyes closed with bliss as goosebumps travel down his spine with each soft touch of Jisung’s.
When Hyunjin thinks about it, not much about their relationship has changed.
“So when are you finishing that painting of me?” Jisung asks all of a sudden.
Hyunjin groans as he buries his face deeper into Jisung’s chest. “In a bit,” he mutters, “‘m too comfortable.”
“I’ll hold you accountable!” Jisung whispers, the fondness in his voice not matching his sharp words at all.
Hyunjin huffs out a laugh to himself at the thought. As if he would need Jisung to remind him to complete the painting.
Something in Hyunjin tells him this will be far from the last portrait of Jisung he will be drawing.
