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Todoroki Shoto wasn’t good at feelings.
Everyone who’d met him could tell you so. As a result of a childhood of isolation and experiencing nothing but his father’s training, the split haired boy struggled to grasp basic social norms, let alone try to figure out what was going on inside of him. It came as no surprise, then, when he realized he really didn’t understand romance very well.
The discovery proper happened right after class A’s first media training class, during a conversation with the members of the so-called ‘Bakusquad’. According to them, Mt Lady, their temporary teacher in the subject, had unbeknownst to him taken on the role of a flirty reporter interviewing an older version of Shoto, and, quote, ‘hitting on him’.
(At least, he hoped she was pretending he was older. The alternative was… uncomfortable)
After they clarified that Mt Lady was flirting and not fighting him, Shoto informed his classmates that no, he had had no idea that she was doing that. They had a good natured laugh at his obliviousness, as they usually did when he was blindsided by social conventions, and he just stared at them with his best impression of a deer in headlights.
They didn’t notice that these kind of things stung more than Shoto would like to admit. He was genuinely trying to get better at social things, but any time he felt he was making progress, turns out he missed something so obvious it made everyone around him laugh as he struggled to catch up. He knew they didn’t mean any harm, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
“I don’t understand. Did she do that with everyone?” he asked as they laughed.
“No, man, just you!” Kaminari chuckled.
“Oh” Shoto had blinked. After a pause, he spoke again, “Why?”
That elicited more laughs from the group, and these ones hurt a bit more, because now Shoto had absolutely no idea what he was missing. “Because you’re hot, my dude!” Kirishima informed him.
Shoto frowned and opened his mouth to reply, only to be cut off by Sero. “Before you say it, he doesn’t mean your quirk. He means you’re physically attractive!”
“Oh” Yeah, he was just about to bring up that he also had ice, not just fire. But he ignored that, as he put a hand to his chin in thought.
Was he, quote-on-quote, ‘hot’? What was usually considered attractive in men? Well, if he was going off the various romance anime Hagakure had forced them all to sit through during movie nights, ‘hot’ men were tall, lean, muscular, sometimes had some kind of scar-
Oh.
“Huh” Shoto eventually let out, earning even more laughter from the group, and another stab at his heart.
“Ohhh… Never change, ‘Roki” Ashido told him, which he guessed was supposed to be endearing, but it didn’t really feel like it.
“Yeah, man, newsflash? You could pick up any girl you want, looking like you do!” Kaminari told him, hands behind his head.
Shoto raised a brow. “Aren’t we too young for that?”
They laughed again. Ouch. “Oh, man. He has no idea what’s going on” Sero commented disbelievingly.
“‘Roki, ‘Roki, ‘Roki. My sweet angel, light of my life” Ashido started, moving to hug Shoto with one arm. He didn’t really mind the contact, but he’d rather not be talked to like he was an idiot. Even if he was one when it came to this kind of stuff. “No. There’s already people dating in our class!”
“What”
“Yeah, like Tooru and Ojiro!” she claimed, and Shoto was left reeling. People were actually, like, falling in love already? He was falling behind, then. He should probably at least be getting attracted to someone by now…
He eventually hummed. “Thank you. You’ve given me much to think about”
“No problem, man! You know you can count on us for anything!” Kirishima assured him with a smile, punching his fists together.
That day, Shoto went to bed with a lot on his mind. He was feeling left out somehow, like he was missing out on a fundamental part of teenage life.
Was he in love with anyone? Did he have a ‘crush’, as Hagakure and Ashido tended to call them? Apparently, everyone else had started getting them, so it would naturally follow that Shoto must have a crush too. It was basic human nature.
A face crossed his mind. Yaoyorozu.
It made sense to think of her. She was smart, kind, helpful, mature and composed. There was something entrancing about her whenever Shoto saw her come up with one of her brilliant strategies, confidence overtaking her as the pieces fell in place for her plans. Plus, she was attractive. ‘Hot’, maybe, as Kirishima had described Shoto. She was nice to look at, and… uh, her, uh… chest area, was… big. That was good, maybe? Going off those romance anime?
Point is, she was pretty, and she was nice. On top of that, she and Shoto had a lot of things in common. Both recommendation students from rich families, both top of their class, they’d done their final exam together… Maybe he had possessed a crush on her all along, and that had been the reason he had voted for her to be class rep. Maybe he had just been too stupid to understand that at the time.
Shoto was happy with that conclusion. It made sense, it was logical, it fit together as nicely as the idea that Shinso was Mister Aizawa’s secret love child. Shoto had a crush on Yaoyorozu.
Naturally, he did absolutely nothing with this information. Hey, he was a busy man, alright? He had a lot of things to do, between school, work studies, all that stuff. Then the war happened, and that absolutely wasn’t the time to engage in romantic endeavors.
It wouldn’t be until his second year at UA, after the war had wound down, that he’d remember, ‘oh yeah, I’m supposed to feel things’. After what had otherwise been a particularly slow school week, the matter of romantic relationships thrust itself back in his life, when class 2-A had a Sex Ed class.
“Now, for the record” Mister Aizawa, the poor bastard that got stuck with the lesson, began. “Sexual encounters are strictly prohibited inside campus. Which is to say, don’t let us catch you doing it” he sent them a pointed look. “I am fully aware that you know we have no way to enforce this inside the privacy of your dorm rooms, and I’m also not stupid enough to believe twenty teenagers stuck inside the same building for years aren’t going to have sex. Just… keep it in your rooms, quiet, safe and consensual“
The class then proceeded as expected, with Mister Aizawa explaining safe sex practices and the like, but Shoto got stuck at the starting line. People his age… were having sex? Wasn’t that supposed to be a thing only adults did? He thought it was illegal, or something, but Mr Aizawa didn’t seem to care too much.
This shocking revelation had left him stunned for the rest of the day, reconsidering everything he thought he knew about life. Naturally, his confused thought process eventually landed back on the romantic feelings he felt for Yaoyorozu.
Except… they weren’t there anymore. He found he didn’t really feel any differently about Yaoyorozu than any of his other friends, as if the passing year had completely erased his feelings. He especially didn’t want to have sex with her, the image almost causing him to gag in his own room.
What had changed?… Nothing, that was the answer. Yaoyorozu was still just as incredible as she had been the year before, if not even more, but Shoto… just couldn’t get himself to think about her in that way anymore.
So, he moved on from Yaoyorozu… for some unexplainable reason. Though, he had been told numerous times that feelings didn’t always follow logic, so he supposed it made sense for them to just… vanish. Probably.
Still, now he was left without a crush. That was a problem. People his age were supposed to be obsessed with love and relationships, and… sex apparently. And though he’d been happy to just focus on his school work for a while, it was high time he started figuring that stuff out.
Soon enough, he found a possible answer. And it came from a pretty unexpected place. Pretty much the last person he would trust with anything feelings related, except of course himself: Bakugo goddamn Katsuki.
Well, technically Kirishima was also involved, and he seemed to be more competent with the whole emotions thing. After all, he was the one Shoto found kissing Bakugo at the bottom of the dorm stairs one Saturday morning.
Shoto stared at them for a while, not really sure what the standard procedure was in that kind of situation (other than telling Ashido later, per her requests), until Bakugo finally caught him out of the corner of his eye.
The explosive blond pushed Kirishima away, spluttering and blushing heavily. “WHAT THE FUCK, ICY HOT?!”
“T-Todoroki?” Kirishima backed away, face red as his hair.
“Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt” Shoto stated simply.
“Fucking- What’s your fucking problem, Half and Half Bastard?! Why the hell are you staring at us like a damn dead fish?!”
“Nothing, I was just surprised”
“Surprised that what?! That I’m gay?!”
“No, I think that could have been inferred. I’m shocked Kirishima actually likes you back”
Shoto proceeded to very calmly dodge as a screeching Bakugo tried to blow up his face. The conversation ended there, as everyone involved silently agreed to go on with their day as if nothing had happened. However, the interaction did leave Shoto with a very important revelation.
Gay people… existed.
Alright, that makes him sound extremely dumb. Conceptually, he had been aware a lot of people were romantically attracted to others of their same gender, but… that was it. He just had the vague idea they were real and perfectly normal, but for some reason he just never thought to apply it to his own life and surroundings.
Maybe that was why he was having a hard time with romantic feelings. His whole life, he’d just… assumed he’d be straight. It was the most likely option, after all. Therefore, in the rare times he had thought about potential partners, he had only ever considered girls. He had never thought about boys that way. Maybe he was gay after all, and just had to consider boys as potential partners?
Well, if he was going to indulge the idea, then at least he knew exactly where to start. Midoriya.
If he was going to fall in love with a boy, it had to be Midoriya. He was sweet, kind, helpful, selfless, just lovable all around. He had an undying fighting spirit, with a surprising intelligence and indomitable determination to help as many people as he could. The type of person to break all the bones on his hands and arms just to help someone else reach their full potential.
Shoto could confidently claim that Midoriya had helped him more than anyone else in the world. Even now, Shoto couldn’t help but think of his words every time he used his fire. The shout of ‘IT’S YOURS! YOUR POWER, NOT HIS!’ had been replayed in his mind more times than he cared to admit. Midoriya, in quite a literal sense, had completed him, by getting him to use his fire.
Plus, Midoriya was simply hot. That was just an objective fact. As adorable as his freckled face and big eyes made him, the man was ‘built like a brick’, as Shoto had heard Ashido describe him. ‘He looks like he could bench press a fridge while I grate cheese on his abs’ had been the assessment of Tokage from class B. And his scars were nice looking. Everything about him was nice to look at, actually.
Well, there’s his answer, then. He had a crush on Midoriya. That meant he would like to date him, and take him out to dinner, and hold hands, and k- and kiss…
Something in his chest tightened, and his throat closed up. The image of him kissing Midoriya had flashed through his mind, and it had completely taken out whatever wind had been pushing the sails of that ship. For some reason, he couldn’t help but think kissing Midoriya, no, kissing in general just sounded gross. Unhygienic, even. The very idea just put a bad taste in his mouth.
Alright, but maybe… that’s how it was supposed to be? Kissing had always sounded gross to him, but he’d always known he’d do it eventually. Maybe it was the kind of thing you had to try first to like, an acquired taste of sorts. After all, if kissing put him off, then what about sex?
He imagined himself and Midoriya having sex, and he had to suppress a full body shudder. He almost gagged. What the hell? That wasn’t supposed to happen. He was a teen boy, he was supposed to like sex! Why did it feel like it’s be so gross?
He sighed frustratedly. Well, the answer was obvious. He just didn’t have a crush on Midoriya. It didn’t matter that imagining himself kissing or having sex with faceless people made him just as queasy, because people were supposed to like those things, and he was people. He must have misjudged how he felt about Midoriya, is all.
But if not Midoriya, then who? Who the hell could he possibly like? He had to like someone. How did people even figure out who was their crush, anyways?
Maybe he should ask for help for this. Who did people usually go to for advice on these things? Well, they went Ashido, but that just sounded like a terrible idea. He could already hear her gushing about a crush he hadn’t even met yet.
The next option, of course, was family. But who in his family?
Endeavor was out for obvious reasons. As much as he’d been trying to change, he was still the one person Shoto trusted with feelings less than Bakugo and himself. Touya was an even worse idea, for even more obvious reasons.
His mom sounded like a good plan. She was sweet, and understanding, and always loved when Shoto told her about his social life and asked her questions about how to have friends.
He was about to commit to the idea, when he remembered a pretty important detail. His mother hadn’t married Endeavor out of choice. Endeavor had married her quirk. Taking that into consideration, it would almost feel cruel to bring up anything romance-related to her. So, she was out too.
That left Shoto with either Natsuo or Fuyumi. They both had girlfriends, at least, so they weren’t completely clueless, and just like Mom, they loved when Shoto came to them with any inquiries about school and friends. Overall, there wasn’t any reason not to contact them, so Shoto resolved to do it.
The question was which one first. Shoto loved both his siblings equally, so he had to base the decision off how good he thought they were at the whole romance thing. He actually had no idea who Natsuo’s girlfriend was, but he knew Fuyumi was dating Miruko, the pro hero. That meant that any advice she had would probably work best to romance people like Bakugo.
…He chose to text Natsuo first.
‘Hello. How do you know you’re in love with someone?’
‘? does my little bro have a crush???’
‘No. I’m trying to find out how to figure out if I have one’
‘yeah, sure’
‘for your question, i guess it’s just something you know, y’know?’
‘you wanna be around that person all the time, you think about her all the time, she make you feel warm whenever you’re around her’
‘and not just because of your quirk, before you say it’
‘Natsu, my quirk makes me feel warm most of the time’
‘Ignore that’
‘lol’
‘Are there any other symptoms I should watch out for?’
‘symptoms lmao’
‘i don’t know, man. the usual stuff you hear on cheesy romance anime, i guess?’
‘like. your stomach feels funny, you feel sick, your cheeks flush. don’t know if that last one really applies to you, but whatever’
‘That just sounds like you’re sick. Are you sure you aren’t describing a fever?’
‘lol, i’m not very romantic’
‘but yeah, it’s kinda like that. the person just doesn’t leave your brain, ever, and it makes you feel funny when you’re around them’
‘Sounds distracting’
‘it is’
‘It would almost be a liability in combat’
‘shoto i swear to all might’s dick if you repress your feelings to be a hero i am going to punch you in the face’
‘You can’t. You’ll be distracted by your girlfriend, so I’ll just dodge’
‘change of plans. i am actually going to punch you right now’
‘That would be impressive. You’d have to get through the UA gate, and I am not giving you permission to get in’
‘i am going to tell yumi not to make you cold soba next time you come over’
‘I will impale you with ice’
‘you can’t’
‘you’ll be distracted by your crush, so i’ll just dodge’
‘I don’t have a crush yet’
‘a-ha. that’s why you messaged me. cuz you don’t have a crush yet’
‘come on, who’s the lucky girl?’
‘or boy’
‘or person, or bird or whatever’
‘I do NOT have a crush on Tokoyami’
‘and i didn’t think yumi would date a rabbit either, but here we are’
‘i’m not taking chances’
‘Whatever. Thanks. Goodbye’
‘bye!’
‘good luck with your your crush!’
‘I don’t have a crush’
The conversation with Natsuo was enlightening in some ways. For starters, he found out that absolutely everything that happened in romance anime was a hundred percent accurate to reality and he should never doubt them. He also confirmed that yes, he probably should have a crush… somewhere, he just needed to find it. The list of symptoms would definitively help finding the person.
Still, Shoto was a practical man. He worked best with examples. So, when he went to talk to Fuyumi, he decided it would be best to talk about… her.
‘Hello. How did you decide you were in love with Miruko?’
‘Hello Shoto! It’s nice to talk to you again! :D’
‘Love is a strong word… And I didn’t “decide” I liked Miruko! That’s not how it works!’
‘It’s not?’
‘No! You don’t decide that stuff, sweetie. You just have to find the right person, and then your heart will decide for you! :D’
‘That sounds ineffective’
‘It’s not about efficiency, Sho. You don’t have to rush this stuff! >:(‘
‘But everyone else is already falling in love. I don’t even have a crush. I feel like I’m missing something’
‘Don’t focus so much on what everyone else is doing, Sho! Just do what feels right for you, ok? :D’
‘Alright. Thanks’
‘You still haven’t answered my question. How did you realize you liked Miruko?’
‘Oh! Alright, I’ll tell you!’
‘As you know, we met at a hero gala a bit after the war. Since you were going with your class, dad took me with him’
‘There, I met Miruko. The moment I saw her, it was like everyone else in the room disappeared. She looked stunning, breathtaking, in her wonderful black suit that perfectly contrasted her snowy white hair…’
‘You should consider becoming a romance writer’
‘Awww! Thanks, Sho! <3’
‘That said, cut back on the poetry. I’m looking for an explanation’
‘What symptoms of love did you experience?’
‘Symptoms? I wouldn’t call them that! >:O’
‘What else would I call them?’
‘Alright, I’ll tell you. I know you like when things are more straightforward’
‘When she came up to me and started flirting, I couldn’t think straight, my face went red, my knees were shaking, I felt like I wanted to throw up, but I also felt amazing at the same time!’
‘That sounds painful. Are you ok?’
‘Yes, I am, Sho. Those are normal things when you like someone’
‘Sounds annoying. It feels like it would be a liability in combat’
‘Shoto I swear to everything that is holy if you repress your feelings to be a hero I am never making you cold soba again >:(‘
‘Why does everyone think I would do that?’
‘Because it kind of feels like something you would do, maybe?’
Did it? Shoto looked up from his phone. Well, he could see where his siblings were coming from. He was pretty impassive on the best of days, so it wasn’t unreasonable to think he was hiding his feelings to be more efficient. After all, emotions did get in the way sometimes. That’s what Endeavor had… taught… him…
Oh. He’d spotted the problem.
He looked back at his phone.
‘Why does everyone think I would do that?’
*[Deleted]*
‘Sorry, that was mean’
‘Did I upset you? I’m sorry :(‘
‘It’s fine. You don’t have to apologize’
‘Thanks, Yumi. You’ve helped me a lot’
‘I have to think some things over now’
‘Alright, if you’re sure. You’re welcome! I love talking to you. You know you can tell me anything you want! :D’
‘Of course’
‘I want cold soba next time I visit’
‘Aaaaand there it is’
Shoto put down his phone, and started to think.
Of course, why hadn’t he thought of it earlier? It all came back to Endeavor being a piece of trash while he was growing up. Of course! What else?!
Shoto didn’t know how to handle emotions because he wasn’t allowed to have them for half his life. Shoto didn’t know how friendships worked because he had been isolated ever since his quirk manifested. Shoto was a fucking idiot about everything except fighting, because he was pretty much raised like a war machine to surpass All Might. Naturally, it followed that he was completely inept with all things dating. Those things just hadn’t been important for him growing up.
But they were supposed to be important. The ultimate goal for every person’s life was to get married, have kids, build a family, things like that. Well, not everyone wanted kids (some people wanted weapons), but they still wanted to get married, or at least have a romantic partner or something. The way he’d seen it talked about by his friends, the books he’d read, the shows and movies he’d watched, single people were miserable and missing something essential, and people that didn’t have sex must have something inherently wrong with them.
And- And maybe that was it. Maybe there was something fundamentally wrong with Shoto. Because of the way he was raised, or because he just wasn’t normal. Romantic emotions were supposed to be easy to feel, but Shoto was too awful at being a human to feel them.
There had to be something there. There was no way his heart was just an impenetrable wall of ice. He just had to find the right person to warm it up, like everyone always said it happened! If someone wasn’t getting the romance thing, then there was still supposed to always be someone out there that made it make sense. A soulmate, a prince charming, a princess that could wear the glass slipper. Right, right, find someone that made it seem worth it.
He pulled out his phone again. If there was someone out there who could fix Shoto’s emotions, then he should be able to see them and just, like, understand or something. Maybe social media wasn’t the best way to find a soulmate, but he didn’t care. He just needed to see as many people as possible. One of them had to be his ‘other half’, the fire to his ice.
And so he surfed social media. Checking out as many men, women, and everything in between that he could, just to see if any of them sparked something within him. If any of them awakened his heart or something.
He saw people from different schools, or even some from other UA years. Even pro heroes, because he knew celebrity crushes were a thing (he had learnt that after one too many times Hagakure had asked Tokoyami for ‘sexy’ pictures of Hawks).
He searched up ‘most physically attractive heroes’, and clicked an article about the ‘hottest’ which was probably what normal people would have searched in his place but like always he put things too literally. He scrolled through. Hawks? Nope, annoying. Ryukyu? Elegant, but it didn’t do anything for him. Why was Endeavor there? Who wrote this article and why were their standards so far below the floor? Miruko? Ew, she was his sister-in-law now. Mt Lady? Sexy, he guessed, she reminded him a bit of Midni-
He clicked off that article fast. He was already having one crisis, he didn’t want to be sad about the war for the thousandth time, thank you.
He kept surfing. There had to be something, someone, somewhere, that fixed him. That’s how it worked. If someone was broken, finding the right person would fix them. He had to find that person. He had to find-
He found Shiketsu’s Herogram page, and he remembered someone. Camie.
His eyes widened. Of course! Camie! Camie was always a blast to be around, even if he had no idea what she was saying half the time. She was really good with emotions, and energetic, and air headed which was cute apparently, and the exact opposite of Shoto. But that was good, right? Because opposites attract? Right? Yeah, right. Camie was good looking too, he could admit that, and she could even make herself more attractive with her quirk even though it really wasn’t necessary because she was already one of the most attractive girls Shoto knew.
His heart swelled with hope. If Camie was his other half, then everything would be okay. He could be normal like everyone else. He could hold hands, and go on dates, and cuddle up with her, and kiss… and- and have sex.
Fuck. It happened again. When he thought about kissing Camie, he felt nothing but a strange disgust that crept up his throat and made him want to gag. His reaction was even worse when he thought about having sex with her. It was awful. It seemed awful. Why did people want that?
He was wrong. Camie wasn’t it. Because he still felt repulsed by the very idea of doing things that everyone, everyone loved. He had always heard someone’s first kiss was supposed to be one of the most exciting experiences in someone’s life, even more so for losing one’s virginity, but Shoto would never get to experience it.
Because Shoto was broken. Shoto wasn’t normal. Shoto was closer to a robot than a human, because he just couldn’t get himself to think about enjoying shit that was supposed to be universally loved.
Why couldn’t he just be normal for once? He was already a weirdo because he was more a hero than a person, because he didn’t understand emotions at all, because he didn’t understand how people his age acted and talked. And on top of all that, now he was also so emotionally stunted and repressed that he couldn’t feel love and that meant he was going to die alone and sad because he would never do the one thing that everyone agreed was supposed to make people happy. He was destined to be miserable forever because his father had been an asshole during his childhood, and that was that.
Shoto may not have been great at emotions, but he could still tell a few of the things he was feeling. Unlike love, they were familiar; frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, and-
And hunger. He was hungry. The only feeling he knew how to process. For the love of-
He looked at his phone’s clock, and noticed there were only a few minutes left until curfew. He took a deep breath and sighed heavily, before getting up. A late night snack wouldn’t help him feel love, but it could make him ignore his misery.
Soon enough, he was up and taking the elevator to the common room, hoping to be able to just walk into the kitchen and find a solution to his newly found priority of hunger. He really didn’t want to run into anyone, but he also wasn’t expecting anyone to be around. Class A would have a Maths test tomorrow, and the usual insomniacs like Tokoyami, Shinso, Kaminari, etcetera, always went to sleep early on test days. And by ‘sleep early’, he meant probably studying last minute.
Shoto didn’t need to study for Maths. It was purely objective and featured no feelings or personal opinions, so obviously it was his best subject. His favorite one, too.
So imagine his surprise when he walks in on Yaoyorozu of all goddamn people, sitting the common room couch alone, reading a book he recognized as being about the corruption in the old Hero system (probably to help him with the League’s rehabilitation; she was responsible like that), eating some Neapolitan ice cream. As Shoto entered the room, she looked up at him with curious eyes.
“Todoroki? What are you doing up so late?” she asked innocently, unaware of how she’d ruined Shoto’s master plan of not talking to anyone.
“I’m hungry” he stated simply, choosing to continue walking to the kitchen unimpeded.
“Oh…” Yaoyorozu let out as he rushed past her, walking a bit faster than normal.
He had entered the kitchen without really knowing what he was going to get, but he had gotten an idea as soon as he’d seen Yaoyorozu. Ice cream sounded pretty good at the moment. He pulled out his favorite from the dorm’s freezer; plain vanilla. He tried to speed-walk past Yaoyorozu again, but this time she stopped him successfully.
“Are you alright?” she asked him, and he had to stop in his tracks because even he understood that’s not a question you just ignore.
“No, but when are we ever” he replied earnestly, sparing a glance at her. Hopefully she’d back off by the sheer angst he exuded, but the vice rep in her shone through, and she pushed.
“Well- I just mean… you usually only do this when you’re particularly upset” Yaoyorozu explained with concerned eyes.
“Do what?” Shoto tilted his head.
“Leave your room for ice cream”
Shoto blinked. Did he do that? Well, wouldn’t be the first time one of his classmates knew him better than he knew himself. “Is that also why you’re here?”
“Oh, heavens no!” Yaoyorozu replied, putting a hand on her chest. “I am merely still slightly restless after a particularly exciting training session with Itsuka” She shook her head. “But that’s not really important. Do you wish to talk about what is bothering you?
There was the big one. Did he want to talk about it? When he had gotten out of his room, he had been wanting to completely ignore everyone and just wallow in his self-pity, but… talking to someone sounded nice. Especially Yaoyorozu. He was a chronic oversharer, anyways.
He sat down on the couch beside Yaoyorozu, and slowly started to eat his ice cream as he thought of how to approach the topic. Yaoyorozu let him think for a while. Eventually, she asked with a compassionate expression: “Is it about your family? Your father, or Touya?”
Shoto hummed. “Not really, maybe” he replied, then finally sat back and looked at her. “Yaoyorozu, how do you feel about sex?”
The girl choked on her ice cream and blushed, while Shoto just watched her owlishly. He had been a bit too blunt, perhaps, but he just never really saw the point not to be. Being blunt was just practical.
“L-Like in-in general, o-or w-with… what? Wh-who?” Yaoyorozu eventually managed, face red as Shoto’s left half of his hair.
“In general”
“O-Oh” Yaoyorozu visibly relaxed, though she was still blushing profusely. “W-Why do you ask?”
Shoto blinked. “I’m investigating something. Can you please answer the question?” He may have sounded a bit more desperate than he’d meant to, but he was feeling a bit too close to a mental breakdown for comfort.
“O-Oh, well, uhm…” Yaoyorozu began, averting her gaze nervously. “It- uhm… feels nice?- I mean, I-I think it would feel nice! I don’t- I- Kyoka and I never-!” She caught herself, slapping a hand over her mouth and shrinking in on herself.
Shoto blinked. What did Jirou have to do with anything? “So, you’ve never had sex, but think it probably feels nice” he summarized.
Yaoyorozu sighed in relief, as if Shoto had missed some kind of embarrassing secret she had let slip. “Y-Yes… something like that”
“Oh” was all Todoroki had to say to that. He brought a spoonful of ice cream to his mouth.
So, there was the confirmation he had wanted. People had to like sex, and presumably romance by extension, even without ever actually engaging in their practices. A normal kid his age should already be wanting to do that, probably.
But he wasn’t normal, was he? Just a wall of ice forged of his father’s fire. Marrying? Having children? All the things people saw as their ultimate life’s goal? Yeah, he would never get them. His life would be forever incomplete, his heart forever aching for something he could never have. Yes, he would be a hero, probably a pretty good one. He would save people, and then those people would go on to live the happy lives Shoto would never be able to get. There was still the chance, maybe, that someone fixed him. But he was starting to really doubt he’d get that lucky.
“Todoroki?” Yaoyorozu asked in concern, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Did I say something wrong?”
Shoto paused, then shook his head. “No. It’s not your fault. I’m just broken” he stated bluntly, taking another bite off his ice cream.
“Broken? What do you mean?” Yaoyorozu questioned, scooting closer to him in growing worry. She had finished her ice cream by that point.
So, Shoto explained. He told her all about how, because of his upbringing, he would never be able to love the way other people loved, would never be able to feel the way others felt, would never be able to do the things necessary for someone to be happy with their life.
“I’m not sure how to fix it. I’m not sure if I can fix it” Shoto concluded, holding a scoop of his ice cream up. His throat was a bit too tight to eat at the moment, and his eyes felt uncomfortable. Really, any other person would probably be crying, and Shoto definitely felt close to it, but he wasn’t. Obviously. Shoto was too broken to even be sad properly.
He felt a hand on his shoulder, and looked up to see Yaoyorozu frowning in a weirdly determined sort of pity. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I do not believe this is something which requires fixing” She pulled back, and closed her eyes in her ‘I’m about to say something very smart and it’s going to be right’ expression. She did that quite often in group study sessions. “Have you ever heard of the terms ‘asexuality’ and ‘aromanticism’?”
Shoto blinked, frowned, and finally ate the ice cream off his spoon. “Like plants? Microorganisms?” He had no idea what ‘aromanticism’ was, even if he could guess based on his knowledge of etymology, but ‘asexuality’ was just a biology term.
Yaoyorozu sighed, her expression softening as she opened her eyes. “No, I am referring to human sexuality and romantic orientation spectrums, respectively”
Shoto blinked. “I have no idea what you’re talking about”
“I feared so” Yaoyorozu stated, putting a hand in her chest. “You see, asexuality is an umbrella term to define a spectrum of sexualities characterized for a complete or parcial lack of sexual attraction, while aromanticism is the equivalent for romantic attraction. While there are still asexual people who engage in sexual activities, and aromantic people who engage in romantic relationships, there are also those who are repulsed by the concepts”
Shoto looked at her oddly. “And, what causes it?”
“What causes it?” Yaoyorozu blinked. “Nothing. They are not unlike other orientations. Asexual and aromantic people are merely born that way”
Born that way? There were people like him, and they just… came out that way? “So, it’s just normal?”
“Yes. Completely”
Shoto was struck completely silent, his mouth hanging open. If Yaoyorozu said it, then it must be true, but… was it really that simple? He was just- born wrong? Or, not wrong, just different, like other sexualities. There was nothing- he wasn’t broken?
Picking up on his silence, Yaoyorozu continued. “You know, if you wish to explore this more in depth, you may want to speak to people who actually fall under the spectrums. While I do consider myself well informed, there is much I don’t fully know”
Shoto frowned. “Who… Who is like- like that?”
“Well, Ashido has labeled herself as cupioromantic, a subset of aromanticism which means she wishes to engage in romantic relationships, but does not feel attraction to anyone in particular…”
That… felt confusing, but Shoto could kinda understand. Maybe he should talk to Ashido about it- which, also, wow. Ashido would have been his last guess for this aromantic thing, considering how obsessed she was with other people’s love lives.
“…But you own experience may be closer to Kodai’s, from class B. She is sex and romance-repulsed, which seems similar to what you described” Yaoyorozu continued. Kodai? That was the Size girl, right? “She is not very talkative, but she does have a lot to say about the few topics she is passionate about, and this happens to be one of them”
Shoto hummed. He had never spoken to Kodai, ever, but she did hang around him a lot whenever classes A and B interacted. Presumably because he was quiet and didn’t bother her too much. “Maybe I could-“
“Oh! And Itsuka once told me Vlad King is greyromantic, and Shiozaki is demisexual, and principal Nedzu is probably aro-ace too but he’s a bit of a different case, and I believe it’s possible All Might-“
“Wait, what?” Shoto was taken aback. “How- How common is this?”
Yaoyorozu blinked, and chuckled sheepishly. “Well… it’s actually a bit of a statistical anomaly to have so many in just our year” She looked up thoughtfully. “Though, I suppose since heroes have a reputation for being unable to hold steady romantic and sexual relationships, yet people in these spectrums hardly put much emphasis on them, they may feel more drawn to it than others in average”
Shoto hummed, and looked down. Asexual and aromantic, huh? It made sense, really. Some people didn’t like girls, some people didn’t like boys, some people liked both, so it followed that there would be people who didn’t like either. He would almost feel stupid for never thinking about it like that, were he not so disinterested in the topic most of the time.
It fit, he realized. Not feeling any romantic or sexual attraction, even being repulsed by it- yep, that’s how he was. Aromantic, asexual. He could put a name to it now, at least, but that shouldn’t really matter, right? He still had the same issues, just… now there was a shorthand for talking about them.
Except, it didn’t feel like that.
It really felt like giving it a name helped. Because now he knew he wasn’t alone. There were other people like him, other people like him who hadn’t been abused the way he was. That meant he- he wasn’t broken. He didn’t need to be fixed. He could be happy, just like he was. No need to feel sad about it.
And the people Yaoyorozu had mentioned didn’t seem to be hurt by their orientations, either. Ashido was always smiling, even when discussing romantic topics- especially when discussing romantic topics, actually. Vlad King was an accomplished hero and teacher, and seemed generally happy with his life, not to speak of All Might, if Yaoyorozu was right about him. Shiozaki was hard to read, but she didn’t seem bothered by her sexuality, either. Nedzu…
Nedzu.
And then, Kodai. According to Yaoyorozu, the one most similar to him. Not just in this topic, but also generally. She was the only person Shoto knew who could conceivably compete with him in a contest of expressionlessness. Sure, she was as much of an ice wall as Shoto could be at times, but she never seemed unhappy. Maybe… Maybe she could give him some more insight.
“Alright. I think I’ll talk to Kodai” Shoto finally declared. He felt as if a huge weight had been taken off his chest, and so, he smiled at last. “Thanks, Yaoyorozu”
She smiled warmly. “No problem. I’m glad I could help you!” She looked over to the clock in the common room, and her eyes widened. “Wha-?! It’s that late?!” She quickly stood up, grabbed her book and spoon and ice cream container, and hurried out. “Goodbye, Todoroki! See you tomorrow!”
Todoroki waved goodbye, and returned to his ice cream. He still wasn’t worried about the Maths test, because again, he was pretty good at it. He was just born that way.
He finished his ice cream, and went to sleep.