Chapter Text
Marriage, to Ava, never particularly meant anything.
It hadn"t ever held a weight of importance to her, not when she was little and certainly not after, as it hadn"t meant anything to her mom either, not after her father had left.
Her father had left, and her mom"s rings went with him. The ones on her left hand that, at some point in time, had meant something. But they were easily discarded into a dark drawer, and Ava couldn"t remember the time before -- couldn"t remember her father either -- so, she"d reasoned, it must not mean that much.
Marriage was never in Ava"s future. Not when she"d had a lifetime to ponder it. Not in her dreams or her wants or desires once. So why is she thinking about it so often now?
Why is she staring at this ring through the glass window of a jewellery store on a Monday afternoon with this overwhelming pull in her chest, tugging her closer? A Monday, Ava. Really bitch!? This is getting out of hand.
The difference. Bea.
The ring is simple and sophisticated and pretty. Ava can imagine Beatrice wearing it, can imagine herself getting down on one knee and giving it to her along with her heart.
Maybe in their apartment alone one night during dinner without the prying eyes of others, or at the beach with the sun high in the sky and the sand on her skin. Perhaps she"d do it during a walk in the park with the trees above and a picnic she"d planned a week earlier.
Ava can imagine giving her the promise of forever and it meaning not just something, but everything.
She can imagine Beatrice saying yes.
Marriage wasn"t a symbol of love to her before, it wasn"t a brave promise or a cherished vow or the constant want to be there for someone. To choose someone. It wasn"t safe and it wasn"t steady and it didn"t hold weight. To Ava it didn"t mean anything, but with the way her heart flutters at the thought of this ring around Bea"s finger, it does now.
She"s changed, and she wants to keep changing with Beatrice next to her, choosing her still, everyday.
So, maybe it isn"t so much about marriage as it is about the promise and the commitment of choosing. Of being chosen. And of loving with abandon and without fear.
That"s what Ava sees when she looks at this ring. And it"s what she wants to give with it. The silver band won"t have the same fate as her mother"s. She"s sure of it.
Ava doesn"t buy it yet.
But she knows, somewhere deep in her chest, she will.
She"ll check it off her list soon.
~~~
The warm body next to her melts to fit the shape of their mattress below as if it were a furnace, and Ava lavishes it with her lips. Nose running along a soft navel and up an even softer neck, unable to spend a single second without it.
"Stay." She murmurs into the skin, the single word a plea leaving her lips, begging to be heard. "Please."
Beatrice sighs, somehow sinking even further at the sound of her voice, "You know I can"t."
"You can." Ava whines, quick, her exposed leg flying out to wrap around Bea"s waist like the thought of her ever leaving is far too much to bear -- it is. "Stay." She tries, yet again. Never one for backing down.
"I can"t miss my best friend"s Bachelor trip, Ava."
Ava lifts her head with a sudden undeniable purpose, "Fuck Todd and his Bachelor trip, babe!" Her frown deepens, "I wasn"t even invited!"
"That is only because Camila insisted she--"
"Needed my help with bridesmaid stuff blah blah." Ava interrupts, now peering down from her place mostly on top of Bea, skin sliding against skin. It"s distracting to say the least, but Ava doesn"t dare budge. Can"t move away. "Yaaay me. I get a dress marathon and you get strip clubs."
"Um, no. I will not be atten--"
"Oh, you so will!" Ava insists, pout forming along with the growing ache in her chest. She moves until the tips of their noses brush, shallow breaths mingling for a moment. Her limbs turning to liquid in Bea"s arms. "I"m going to miss you." She breathes out, pressing a gentle kiss to her jaw and squirming to get impossibly closer -- it"s never enough. Ava wants to bury herself beneath Beatrice"s skin, carve out a small spot in her chest to stay.
Beatrice"s hands slide up her back like hot iron and Ava shivers at the touch, melts into the body below even further. "It"s only a few days, darling."
She huffs against her lips, "I know and it"s still too long."
"I will phone you everyday."
"Everyday?"
"Everyday." Beatrice states, firm, without an ounce of doubt. "I promise."
"Okay." Ava relaxes, eyes catching the suitcase propped up and packed next to their door. Ready to leave, taunting her. Ava wants to set it on fire with her glare. Wants to call Todd and give him a piece of her mind.
No, she wouldn"t. She won"t. She likes Todd. Camila loves Todd. He"d fitted into their lives like he always had and Ava can"t help but appreciate how happy he makes her best friend. How he treats his friendship with Beatrice and seems to love her like the sister he never had. They are an unlikely pair, but somehow make too much sense, and it warms Ava"s heart to see them together -- mostly. Not when it involves taking Beatrice away to another country for multiple days in a row.
And he"d also had the guts to, you know, get down on one knee and do the thing Ava wants. So, there"s that.
"I will miss you too, you know." Beatrice mumbles into her ear, soft and pulling her from her thoughts. "I haven"t been anywhere on holiday without you before."
Ava"s chest -- currently pressed to Beatrice"s own -- somehow becomes even warmer. "Baby," She starts, eyes turning gentle, "I"m only messing around. I want you to go. I know you will have a fucking great time, okay."
"It will pale in comparison to my time with you."
Ava smiles quietly at the sentiment, at Beatrice"s rosy cheeks with adoration. She squishes her nose into one of them, unable to stop the urge, lips following soon after.
"I love you." Ava says, wiggling her feet against Beatrice"s legs, and she will miss this the most. The next few nights alone in this double bed won"t be so fun. "I will still be here when you get back."
Beatrice grins, presses their lips together in a soft kiss, "I would certainly hope so."
Ava hums at the contact, still barely a hair away, "Absence makes the heart grow warmer or something."
"Fonder, darling." Beatrice chuckles.
Ava kisses her once more, "Well, that"s just impossible."
Beatrice leaves the next morning with a warning from Ava about flirty flight attendants and a long kiss, an even longer hug. Have fun, baby being the last words she says.
Ava doesn"t cry when she leaves, suitcase trailing behind and a small smile under her hat. She"s a strong independent woman. The goddam Warrior Nun. She doesn"t cry. Her eyes only become a little misty.
~~~
Bea [20:29]: What have you done!?
Bea [20:30]: Ava!
Bea [20:30]: That can"t go in the scrapbook.
Bea [20:30]: Todd almost seen it.
Ava"s eyes flick over to her suddenly frantic phone with a frown. She"s in the middle of rewatching "Toy Story" for the third time because she doesn"t want to watch a movie she hasn"t seen without Bea here. It"s tradition. Jesus, when did she become such a sap?
When she reaches over to see what the messages say -- expecting it to be Camila and her seemingly unending wedding stress -- she can only laugh. So loud in fact she"s sure Lara can hear it from next door. "Toy Story" long forgotten.
Ava [20:32]: did u like it 🤪
Bea [20:32]: I can"t believe you.
Ava [20:33]: now u have a piece of me with u
Bea [20:33]: Where did you buy it?
Ava [20:33]: well wouldnt u like to know
Bea [20:33]: Ava.
Ava [20:34]: online babe
Ava [20:34]: dont worry ill wear it for u when u get home ;)
Ava smirks when Beatrice struggles to respond, nibbles on her bottom lip. She can visualise her so clearly it"s almost startling, eyes wide and mouth parted a fraction, cheeks a familiar rosy red that can easily be mistaken for the sun"s doing. She can imagine the poloroid picture she"d taken of herself in red lingerie quickly but carefully tucked into her shorts pocket, burning the skin of her thigh. The one she"d snuck into Bea"s suitcase with expertise before she left. Can see her stuttering an excuse to Todd and Todd giving her an odd look in return.
Ava [20:35]: babe u still alive
Ava [20:36]: bea??
Ava [20:36]: take a cold shower and get back to me
Ava [20:37]: have fun w the boys
Ava [20:37]: love you <3
She returns her smug gaze back to "Toy Story" and can only hope the next few days don"t go by as slow as she expects them to.
She knows they will.
~~~
White.
It"s everywhere.
Blinding Ava"s eyes. Her heart.
They want.
Ava"s never been very fond of the colour; in fact, she"s disliked it and its blandness, disliked all of the memories that inevitably arise with it even more.
White was a single bed, an empty room, her ugly gown in the orphanage. White was something she couldn"t change, couldn"t decide for herself, couldn"t escape from.
White was boring in a world where colour existed, and Ava loved the world and Ava loved colour. Still does.
But, God, does she want the white more than ever now.
Her fingertips skim over the seemingly limitless supply of wedding dresses with an unbridled kind of longing -- an unexpected kind that consumes you whole before you can even realise its undoing. They"re all so beautiful. So soft and silky to the touch. Ava aches to wear white again. Aches even more to see Beatrice in the colour.
White is in her heart now, too.
"Ava?"
She startles away from the dress like it has caught aflame, "Sorry!" She blurts, fast, and in her haste to make distance nearly trips over her own two feet. "I was just..." Ava"s hand snaps back to her side, panicked eyes falling on Camila a few feet away. "...looking."
It"s Camila"s day, she shouldn"t be making it about herself.
Yet, Camila only smiles in response, unbothered -- gleeful even -- her face far too gentle as she bounces over with an energy Ava is not unfamilar with.
"I know." She whispers, her wide eyes saying so as she loops their arms together. And she so clearly does know. She squeezes and Ava relaxes, the gesture telling her it"s okay. "Don"t apologise."
They make their way out of the wedding store too many hours later, Camila finally having picked her dress after months of trying to find the right one. Ava hasn"t ever been so relieved to hear her say the words this is the one before.
It needed to be with the wedding being so soon. And Ava only had so much patience left.
"Are you going to bite the bullet and just get it already?" Camila says, expectant. Her eyes burning into Ava"s temple with force. Unavoidable.
To Ava, it comes out of the blue. Throws her completely into left field during their peaceful stroll.
"What?"
"The ring." Camila states so simply, like it couldn"t possibly be anything else. Like this is the most important thing. "The one you keep staring at everytime we pass the window. Are you going to get it?"
Ava is speechless to say the least, her mouth hanging open like a washed-up fish struggling to get a breath, "How did you eve--"
"Are you going to get it?" Camila repeats, cutting her off before she can even attempt to dodge the question, pulling them to a firm stop. An imploring look on her face.
And yes. It is next to the jewellery shop. The one Ava finds herself frequently passing by most days even if she doesn"t have to. The one that makes her think of white and of love and of Bea.
Ava stutters at the sight of it -- a rare occurrence. Her tongue suddenly too heavy for her mouth, "N-No not yet. No."
Camila tilts her head unhappily at her answer, curls bouncing with the movement, "Well, why not?" She insists. Her hands land on her hips in a way that reminds Ava so much of Mother Superion -- a much smaller version, no less scary. It makes her feel the same, like a scolded child, vulnerable and fully bare to the world. "You will leave it too long and someone else with a bigger set of balls will get it instead."
"Hey!" Ava slaps at her arm, "I have balls."
"Oh, I know. Which is why I don"t understand why this piece of silver scares you so much." Camila"s shoulders hunch as she moves to lean in closer, eyes straying to the strangers walking past them on the sidewalk. "You defeated Adriel single handedly, Ava. Yet you are afraid of this."
Ava feels her heart pound in response. Strong. Erratic. Irrational. Yes, I am. I would take a demon any day over this shit.
As if the words were spoken aloud, shared between them here on this quiet sidewalk, Camila instantly softens. Like Ava has it written on her forehead in neon lights.
What if I ruin everything?
"Beatrice would never say no to you, Ava. I think it"s physically impossible for her to do so in any situation. You could ask her to go to the moon and she would."
Ava"s shoulders sag in response, releasing all the nervous tension that constantly seems to fill out her muscles during this specific topic. She glances at the ring through the window so fast it"s like she"s afraid it will disappear if she stares for too long.
"I know." I know, I know, I know. "But I"m worried it"s not what she wants. Marriage. It might not mean anything to her. It might not matter. It"s a piece of paper an--"
"Ava," Camila starts, gentle yet so very stern in cutting her off. "I highly doubt that." Her hands raise to grip at Ava"s exposed biceps, urging her to see and to hear. Her hold is so strong it quickly reminds Ava with a start the damage this woman can cause. Has caused. "You want to know why?"
Ava waits. Impatient. Foot tapping in her less than presentable converse. The first pair of shoes she ever bought for herself back when she was in hiding with Bea. She had been so excited. So proud. They remind her of the newness and wonder she"d had for the world and how the simplest things exhilarated her so back then -- still do. They remind her of love, and how she"d felt it for the first time in the small apartment down the road. It feels like a lifetime ago now. She won"t ever get rid of these shoes. No matter how many times Beatrice scrunches up her nose at the sight of them.
"Because it matters to you." Camila finishes, so certain it almost makes Ava fully feel it too. "Once Beatrice sees that, her opinion will change. She"s very good at adapting." Her hand starts steering Ava towards the door, the one she hasn"t once entered and she probably -- to the owner -- looks insane with the way she stares through the window everytime she walks by. "Now let"s go and buy her that ring."
She does. Ava shakes the whole way home. Feels it in her pocket like a piece of molten lava seeping through her jeans. But, mostly, she feels relieved. Euphoric. Like she could take on the world without the halo.
However, the halo is still very much here and Camila has to remind her of that fact with a warning look when it starts to glow from her back. Emotions overwhelming and spilling out along with the uncontainable orange glimmer.
When Camila offers to keep the ring until Ava"s ready to give it -- so Beatrice won"t find it, because let"s face it, she so would -- Ava almost can"t let it go. Now that she finally has it and it"s hers. Ava wills herself to give it over lest Camila has to try and pry it from her hands.
"I will look after it." Camila assures, eyes shining with that same kindness Ava can remember spotting the first day they met, open and resilient. Even through her sheer unwillingness to be there -- in Cat"s Cradle -- those early days, Camila still tried. Still showed her kindness when it was the last thing Ava was used to receiving.
"Thank you." Ava smiles, grateful for so much more than only this. "For giving me the push I needed. I was being a big dumbass."
Camila grins toothily wide, "Of course." She chirps, pulling Ava in for an impossibly tight hug only Camila could possibly ever give, "I know when my best friend needs an obvious harsh kick in the right direction."
Ava laughs into her shoulder at the remark, feeling so unbelievably lucky to have this in her life. Friends who love her. Who look out for her. Who will hand her her ass when it"s very much needed -- maybe more often than not. She squeezes Camila tighter, "Ugh, I"m so happy for you, Cam. You looked amazing in your dress. Like holy shit amazing. I"m so fucking glad you finally found the one."
Camila heaves a sigh of relief in response, "Yeah, me too. I can"t wait for Todd to see it." She pulls back from the embrace with a raised brow. Her eyes roll, "Speaking of, I don"t even want to think about what they are doing right now."
Ava"s widen knowingly as she puffs out a heavy breath from between her lips, her stomach doing an uncomfortable swoop at the thought. At the reminder that Beatrice won"t be home when she arrives back. That she will have to spend tonight sleeping alone again, wriggling uncomfortably between cold sheets.
"Oh, tell me about it."
~~~
"Ava! Ava, I love you so much!"
Beatrice"s voice slurs through the phone speaker -- miles and miles away. Ava wants her here. Wants her home. The apartment doesn"t feel right without her and their plants look sad. The ones Beatrice waters every morning by the window. Ava has tried the last few days -- they still look sad. Maybe they are missing Beatrice too. Not nearly as much.
Ava leans further into her phone, trying and failing to make out Beatrice over the loud thumping of music, bass deep and heavy. It vibrates her ear.
"Baby, you okay?" She tries, not nearly loud enough. Her hand covering her ear to listen into the muffled sounds. It doesn"t help -- was worth a shot anyway.
She"s honestly about to fly overseas just to make sure her girlfriend is okay when suddenly the thumping is gone, and is instead replaced with only Bea"s voice. A little looser than usual around the edges.
"No. I miss you!"
Ava winces at the volume. A car passes by. Beatrice must have stepped outside of the club.
"I miss you too, baby. But where"s Todd? Is he with you? Are you by yourself?"
"No." Beatrice quickly replies. "I had to escape. Escape Todd. I t-tried to tell him. I love you. I didn"t want a lap dance but--"
"Todd bought you a lap dance?" Ava asks, the amusement getting caught in her throat. Drunk Beatrice is cute as hell. Ava would know. Oh how she wishes she was there.
"I swear I did not enjoy it." Beatrice says vehemently. Ava can imagine the harsh head shake to accompany it. "I didn"t look. I didn"t touch. N-Nothing."
"Baby--" Ava laughs, no longer able to contain it. And Beatrice sounds like she"s nearly on the verge of tears.
"I"m so sorry, Ava. I love you more than a-anything. I still have your photo in my pocket. I only want you to give me a lap dance."
Ava tries to stifle her giggles, to attempt to comfort her clearly distressed girlfriend, "Baby, it"s okay. I"m not mad."
"Are you sure?"
"Very. And maybe a lap dance can be arranged when you get home."
"Really!?" Beatrice yells, too loud, and Ava winces once more.
She comes off the phone a few minutes later with a tight chest, her back sinking into the couch that"s somehow no where near as comfortable alone. It"s only been a few days apart and yet, Ava feels Beatrice"s absence everywhere. Every corner and crease. The blanket across her lap feels oddly harsher, not as soft.
Maybe she needs a pet. No. Beatrice would die if she came home to an unfamiliar furry animal. They can discuss it later. Ava will convince her.
She has to convince her to marry her first.
Ava pulls up Camila on her phone.
Ava [23:43]: ur to be husband has traumatised my gf.
Ava [23:43]: tell him he better watch tf out
~~~
"Ava! I"m home."
Beatrice"s voice, however gentle, reverberates around their small apartment, sure and strong and filling out its emptiness, and Ava resists the urge to shiver at the sound of it. Feels its echo throughout her chest like a call compelling her closer, always.
Home, home, home.
Fuck, has Ava missed her.
"In here, babe!" She shouts, trying to keep her tone neutral and not like she"s about to burst without Beatrice here and in her arms a second longer.
The door to their bedroom creaks open slowly and there Beatrice is, in all her glory -- travel attire and still so hot -- standing before her. Ava urges herself to stay in place on their bed as the urge to run straight into her arms is suddenly too overwhelming.
Beatrice drops her suitcase by her feet, eyes widening dramatically.
"Ava?"
"Surprise." She says, light, and this is her attempt at being sexy. Head propped up by her elbow, lying across their sheets in lingerie that she won"t admit took too damn long to put on. Beatrice seems to think it is anyway, going by the way her cheeks flush.
"Um," Beatrice blinks, takes her time in walking closer towards the edge of the bed, almost like she"s afraid of startling her. Every step feels like an hour. "I guess I won"t be needing this anymore." She takes the poloroid picture from her pocket and Ava smiles. She kept it the whole time.
"I guess not." She responds, eyes shining and wanting. "Get over here quick, please. You don"t have to stare anymore."
Beatrice"s hands sink into the mattress and Ava can see how they pulse, ache with the need to touch her. Ava sighs at the breaths distance, makes quick work of pulling her in for a long-awaited kiss by the back of her neck.
"Mmm," Ava hums against her lips as they slide into place, warm and familar and everything she"s been missing, "God, I"ve missed you."
Beatrice pulls her impossibly closer, back hitting the mattress, "Me too." She breathes between the spaces where their mouths meet. "Todd was starting to get on my nerves."
Ava laughs, climbing on top of her to start undoing the buttons of her shirt, straddling her hips. "Not the best roommate?"
"Definitely not."
"Glad to be home?" Ava asks, pressing her lips to the underside of Beatrice"s jaw, feeling how her breath catches in her throat at the contact.
Home. She"s home.
"More than."
"Good." She pushes Beatrice"s shirt open with both hands and leans back to admire, to revel in this moment for a second longer. "Next time I"m coming with you."
"Deal--"
Whatever else was about to leave Beatrice"s lips gets cut off as Ava"s fingers slip past the waistband of her underwear, meeting silk. Her open mouth meeting Beatrice"s chest.
She doesn"t ever want to miss Beatrice again.
An hour later, Ava"s limbs feel nonexistent, completely spent, and she buries her nose further into the crook of Beatrice"s neck.
"I was planning on giving you that lap dance, babe, but now I kinda just wanna cuddle."
Beatrice chuckles from below her, only squeezes her tighter, "I entirely agree."
~~~
The big day arrives, and Ava can"t breathe. She"s stuck, feet unmoving in her spot by the bedroom door -- she could honestly drop to her knee and pop the question right here, right now.
But she can"t. Won"t. Because then they"d never make it to the venue on time and Camila would kill her.
"Ava?" Beatrice spins from where she"s looking at herself in the mirror, tie hanging loose and undone around her neck, and Ava just...
She feels too warm all of a sudden.
"Can you help me with this?" Beatrice asks, fully turning to her now, completely unaware of the effect she currently has on Ava"s heart. It beats irregularly, stutters in place like her thoughts.
"Bea," She says, a breathy laugh escaping past her lips, "You"re gonna give me a heart attack."
She could jump her bones right now. Push her back onto their mattress and devour her for the next three hours. Navy is definitely Bea"s colour. Every colour is Bea"s colour. Ava will fight anyone who says otherwise.
She takes a few steps closer until she"s invading Beatrice"s space, "I want to stay in this apartment. In our bed. All day." Ava reaches up to start doing Beatrice"s tie, navy like her waistcoat, with eager fingers. Her lips gliding across her jaw, up to her ear. "And never leave."
Beatrice meets her in the middle, noses brushing, foreheads bumping, "Camila would kill us."
Ava sighs, hands stilling on Bea"s collar, "I know." Her lips form a familiar pout and Beatrice quickly kisses it away.
"Thank you." Beatrice whispers, mouths grazing once Ava fixes her collar. And she knows it"s not only for the tie. Bea"s shoulders are tense, nervous. She was feeling uneasy about the suit the night before, about the amount of people going to be at the wedding. It"s a big step. Ava"s entire body feels warm at the thought of her doing it anyway. For herself.
"I"m so proud of you, baby." Ava murmurs, cupping Beatrice"s face between her hands, so she knows. "You look amazing." She kisses her once more and Beatrice smiles into her lips, squeezes her waist with purpose. "I can"t wait to get you home and--"
Beatrice shuts her up before the thought is out.
The wedding ceremony is perfect. Camila looks beautiful. Mother Superion"s eyes grow watery -- Ava didn"t even know that was possible. And Beatrice, well, Beatrice is by her side during it all. Next to her, hand resting in her own, solid, the whole time.
She watches Camila and Todd express their love, celebrate their love, and can"t help but think as Beatrice squeezes her fingers in her own, that will be us. That will be us soon.
"Sooo, when are you asking her?"
"Todd, no."
Todd scoffs in offence, "Ava, yes."
Ava only throws him a look. She"s not surprised Camila told him about the ring.
"Come on." He exclaims, attempting to loosen his tightly buttoned collar for the tenth time, "I did it. I understand the pressure. I can give you advice, you know."
Ava"s eyes dart over to Beatrice and Camila, currently slow dancing to Ed Sheeran in the middle of the crowd -- something Camila had to actually drag Beatrice into. Ava wishes it was her instead.
"Look," Todd starts, brow furrowing, and Ava can tell he"s being genuine, more serious than his usual self. "all I"m saying is, there is no perfect moment, no right time to do it. You just have to go for it." He grabs her hand from across the table, firm, comforting -- it surprises her. "I know it"s scary, and it kind of feels like you"re ass naked and falling with no end in sight, but Beatrice, Beatrice will catch you."
Ava"s shoulders drop, softening. Did Todd really just give her good advice?
"And," He continues, "she also loves you naked so."
Ava quickly slaps at his forearm, "I fucking knew it. You had to ruin it, didn"t you?"
He laughs in response, eyes scrunched at the edges. Ava can see how happy he is. "I couldn"t resist. Sorry."
Ava rolls her eyes, but really, she"s amused, "Thank you, Todd." She finally says, and she does mean it sincerely, "But I still haven"t forgotten about the lap dance situation."
His eyes widen as she squeezes his hand harder in her own. She takes joy from the look on his face.
"Understood." He nods.
"Everything okay?" Beatrice is suddenly next to her and Ava is quickly standing.
"Perfect." She takes Beatrice"s hand, "You"re dancing with me so don"t even try to sit down."
Beatrice doesn"t protest.
~~~
It"s a normal evening, when it happens.
Ava"s sitting across from Beatrice, here, now, in their kitchen, and can"t contain it any longer. It"s a beast, an incessant ache drumming in her chest, unstoppable, only growing ever stronger.
Todd"s words, Beatrice will catch you, running around in her head.
She"s been trying to give Beatrice the ring for a week now. A damn week!? With numerous failed attempts. It"s embarrassing. It"s ridiculous. And Ava"s insides have been screaming at her for seven whole days now to just fucking grow a set and do it already. It"s been unbearable. So many perfect moments gone and missed opportunities where she could have. Should have gotten down on one knee and asked.
Like during their hike a few days ago. Ava had pumped herself up the entire way, had held her breath and watched Beatrice"s silhouette break the stream of the sunset at the top of the mountain and had tried. Tried to get her knee to hit the grass, get the ring from her pocket with shaking hands and say the speech she"d planned for hours in the mirror -- also on her morning run and in the shower and in the community pool and during work and and and -- but she couldn"t. She"d wanted to, so desperately. Inside her mind was screaming "marry me! please, marry me!". But, her body didn"t follow. The words, however pressingly urgent, got stuck in her throat each and every time, and Ava kept swallowing it.
Well, no more.
"Fuck it." Ava mutters quietly, dropping her fork midway to her mouth and forcing her shaking legs out of her seat with a kind of desperation she hasn"t felt since facing Adriel -- of all people. This is her Bea, her person, she can do this. Out of everything, this should be easy. But, the feeling is so consuming she"s afraid she"ll get swept away by the utter force of it.
Her chair scrapes against the floor painfully loud. Beatrice winces. Ava barley hears it.
"I"m the fucking Warrior Nun." She states, more to herself, standing there, in the middle of their kitchen with wide, scared eyes. With tight shoulders and a quivering voice and everything she, Ava Silva, as the Warrior Nun would not be.
Beatrice stares up at her in clear confusion. The candles Ava had carefully set up earlier shining in her dark eyes and revealing everything beneath. "O-kayy." Beatrice sets down her own fork slowly, "Darling, why the sudden need to remind me?"
"Beatrice," A breath, a gasp -- a constant prayer. "I love you. I love you so much sometimes I can"t breathe. And today is no different. I still do. I always will. I can"t tell you why I chose now, during a very fucking simple dinner when I"ve had this ring in my pocket for the past week. But I have and I -- holy shit I"m doing this -- I have." Ava laughs in disbelief, in relief, her chest constricing as she moves away from her side of the table and towards a still sitting Bea. A wide eyed Bea.
I"m the Warrior Nun, I"m the Warrior Nun, she chants in her head. It urges her forward, forces her to keep going, but Mother Superion"s words from a phone call a few weeks ago suddenly echos throughout instead.
"You are Ava Silva . And Ava Silva has overcome more than the Warrior Nun possibly ever could."
Ava"s hand trembles as it reaches into her back pocket for the ring, as Beatrice"s eyes somehow widen further. Her knee falls to their kitchen floor messily, perhaps giving out from her nerves, perhaps from the relief of finally doing this. A build-up of what seems to be her entire life. The impact would have definitely left a bruise if not for the halo.
Ava swallows, but unlike before, she allows the words she"s been holding back to be set free. To burst from her chest like an overflowing dam that won"t ever be stopped again. Like the light straining in her back, no longer contained and filling up their apartment. She looks up with glassy eyes.
"I got you this ring with the intention of choosing. Choosing you. Choosing us. Choosing forever. And this ring symbolises that. I want forever with you, if you"ll have me -- shitty puns and all." She goes for a playful smile, it comes out more shaky instead. She reaches for Beatrice"s hand -- it"s shaking now too. "Even when we"re eighty and grey and not getting any younger I promise to keep annoying you with them just to see your smile, because I won"t want to be anywhere else."
Beatrice only blinks slowly in response, eyes shining, and Ava can"t fully gage her reaction -- she"s visibly shocked, processing. But her eyes, her eyes are soft, they know already, and Ava won"t look away from them. They see her.
"I"m not asking you to marry me right away. I know we"re still young and we have all the time in the world after thinking we didn"t, but I want this," Ava opens the ring box carefully to reveal its shine here in the kitchen candles, "to remind us of forever. Of our promise to one another. That through all the absolute shit life throws at us -- and I mean some shit -- all I"ll ever want is to be here with you." Ava unfurls Beatrice"s fingers which are currently fisted tight into her jeans and squeezes. "An otherworldly being and her realm couldn"t keep me from you, because being loved by you is an honour and a privilege and I feel it constantly like a steady beat in my heart, powerful and boundless -- whether we"re a mile away or an Earth away, I will always feel it."
A tear runs down Beatrice"s cheek then, and Ava immediatley reaches up to catch it, her lips quivering too at the sight -- it"s a good sign right!? She leans down to press a kiss, tender and purposeful, to Bea"s hand in her own before holding the ring up once more, resting it on Beatrice"s knee.
"This ring is enough for me, now, if it is for you too."
Ava looks up once more, allowing herself to be hopeful, her chest a gaping hole, and Beatrice doesn"t even glance at the ring in her lap. Instead, her eyes are only on Ava.
"Yes." Beatrice breathes, and Ava can"t even comprehend what it means, how it happens -- did it happen at all or did she just imagine it? Is this real? Am I real!? -- before her face is being cupped between a pair of oh so delicate hands and Beatrice is kissing her.
Ava is on both of her knees now and she"s regretfully pulling back from her lips with such excitement, such wonder, "Yes!?"
Beatrice smiles, fond, "Don"t seem so surprised."
"Oh my God, oh my God." Ava rambles, "Is this actually happening!?"
Beatrice laughs, slipping down from her seat to be next to Ava on the kitchen floor, "Darling, breathe. You did it."
Ava kisses her so unbelievably hard, hands fisted into her shirt and twisting and never letting go. "Jesus fuck that was the scariest thing I have ever done."
"I love you." Beatrice says, kissing her again, and Ava grins against her lips.
"That"s why I"m about to put a ring on it." She pulls back with a smirk, with teary eyes, and wiggles her eyebrows expectantly. Beatrice can"t even sigh this time. Can only hold out her still trembling hand as Ava slowly slides the silver onto her finger with the widest grin she has ever possibly had.
It fits. Perfectly.
Ava won"t ever be able to stop looking at it.
She can finally tick ask Bea to marry me off her list. And it feels so fucking good.
There"s one left now. One she"d wrote so long ago it"s barley intelligible, scribbled in a hurry and at a time when her handwriting was still improving. A time when something so new and something so big was beginning to grow in her chest, taking permanent root. But something she knew, even then, was true.
She"s one step closer to making it reality.
The Ava who wrote it didn"t believe it could ever happen. Not even as she was writing the words. She was hopeful -- yes -- and young and reckless and so in love. But she was worried too. Afraid. Afraid she"d never get the chance.
Ava wishes she could tell her past self, it"s okay, you will have time. All the time you ever wished for and more.
She"s going to tick off Make Beatrice my wife.
Her past self would be proud.