Chapter Text
“Lou…”, Harry let out breathily. Hastily he tried to dry his eyes with the back of his hands. Louis didn’t look at him when he entered the hallway. He walked straight past him. Harry could see he was hurt. Without further hesitation he got up from the floor and ran up to Louis, trying to hold him by his arm. Louis pulled away.
“Lou, I’m so sorry. I know this wasn’t what you’d planned. This wasn’t what any of us had planned.”
“Not what any of you’d planned?”, Louis exclaimed in disbelief, while stopping abruptly. He turned to face Harry which sent a shiver down his spine. “Zayn for sure had it planned for a long time. And you lot- Don’t act like you didn’t know. I know he told you, you weren’t surprised.”
“He…”, Harry struggled to find an answer. Any answer that wouldn’t upset Louis more than he already was. “Yes, he did”, he finally brought out, facing the floor.
“I knew it, that fucking…”, Harry could see tears building up in Louis’s eyes. “He didn’t tell me. How could he not tell me?”, Louis’s voice cracked and stabbed Harry straight through his heart.
“Oh Lou, come here.” Harry opened his arms. Tears started rolling down Louis’s cheeks. Harry couldn’t handle seeing him that broken. He pulled him into a hug, holding him close around his torso. Louis, who had held his own arms tight in front of his chest, didn’t react fast enough. Harry’s hug swallowed him whole, but neither of them cared. Harry slowly stroked over Louis’s hair, while Louis tiredly let his head fall against his chest.
“I’m so sorry, Lou. I’m so sorry.”, Harry whispered against Louis’s head, a tear rolling down his cheek.
“I know”, Louis replied with a breathy voice. “It’s just… It’s- He’s my best friend, Harry. I’m his best friend. And he decided to just not tell me?”
“He probably didn’t know how to”, Harry tried to reason. If he could, he’d do anything possible to stop Louis from hurting. If he only knew how to.
“But he told you”, Louis brought out under tears. By now his entire body started shaking, his silent tears turning into sobs. Harry didn’t know what to do.
Zayn had called him a couple days ago in the middle of the night. He’d picked up immediately, knowing something must have been wrong. And it had been. Zayn had been crying and breathing heavily, he’d barely been able to speak.
“Zayn, talk to me. What’s going on?”, Harry had said, after he’d seen his name displayed on his phone and picked up. All he’d been able to hear was his unsteady breathing. Zayn hadn’t replied. He’d kept fighting for air, sobs reaching Harry through the phone. He hadn’t wasted more time trying to find out what had been going on. All he’d known was that Zayn had needed his help. Since he hadn’t been able to go and see Zayn in person, he’d tried all he could over the phone.
“Deep breaths, okay? Breathe with me”, Harry had instructed. He’d counted his breaths, slow and steady, listening to Zayn’s breathing adapting after a while. For a few minutes they had been silent on the phone, Harry giving him some time to gather himself again.
“Thank you, H”, Zayn had finally broken the silence with a shaky voice.
“Always”, Harry had replied softly. He’d waited for Zayn to say something, but he hadn’t. He hadn’t hung up either. “Do you want to talk about it?”, he’d asked carefully. “No pressure if you don’t feel like talking. I’m here for you regardless.”
“No, it’s fine”, Zayn had said with a little hesitation. “It’s just… I needed someone to- I don’t know. I’m just not-” Zayn’s voice had broken. “I’m not okay, Harry. I’m far from okay.”
“Hey, that’s fine. You’re not alone, you don’t have to go through this on your own. I’m here, remember? And I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”
“It’s just too much”, Zayn had tried to explain.
“I know, it’s okay. Let it out.”
“I just can’t keep up anymore. The constant touring, shows, recording. It’s too much, Harry.”
“This wasn’t your first panic attack, was it?”, Harry had asked knowingly. Zayn had been on edge for months on end. All of them had been able to see it, but Zayn had never talked about it. He was a silent sufferer.
“No, it wasn’t”, Zayn had admitted. “I’ve had them for a while, but I feel like they are only getting worse. After the last tour I thought the break might help -and it did to some extend- but going back on tour… I wasn’t ready. It’s too much pressure. I can’t- I just can’t handle it anymore. This is killing me.”
“I’m so, so sorry, Zayn. I knew you haven’t been yourself lately, but I had no idea it’s that bad. Is there anything I can do to help you?”, Harry had asked. He’d wanted to take all of Zayn worries and throw them away. Harry would have done anything in his power to help Zayn. There had been no way he'd been able to stand there watching Zayn slowly fade away.
“I don’t know. I don’t even know if there is anything anyone can do. I just wish I could, I don’t know… disappear. I know, it probably sounds silly. I just wish I could leave and be a normal 22-year-old. Maybe I’d be able to deal with everything a little better that way, if you know what I mean.”
“I think I do.” Harry had sat down on his bed, before saying out loud what Zayn had hoped for all along. “What if you do just disappear? Obviously not literally but what if you just leave, go home, I mean. To your family, your friends, just out of the spotlight for a while.”
“The contract…”
“Fuck the contract, Zayn. Your mental health is more important than any business. They must let you go somehow. It can’t go on like this. You can’t go on like this.”
“I don’t know if they’d let me go on a break. And even if they did, I’m not sure I’ll ever be better. I’m not made for this. You guys fit the band. I- I never did, I had to hide so many parts of my identity…”, Zayn had started sobbing again, by the time he’d finished his last sentence. Harry had swallowed. He had made a lot of sacrifices himself, all of them had. But they had somehow managed to cope, Zayn on the other hand had been breaking under the pressure. As much as it had pained Harry, he had offered Zayn the most drastic but necessary solution.
“I think after everything you’ve been through, you’d be best off quitting”, he had said as soft and careful as he could.
“I think you’re right…”, for a while it had been silent on the other end of the phone. “Can you help me set up a meeting?”, Zayn’s voice had sounded so weak and fragile.
“Of course, anything for you, Z.”
A soft sob pulled Harry back from his thoughts. Gently, he stroked over Louis’s hair, holding him as close as possible. Louis held onto him, clenching his hands into the fabric of Harry’s t-shirt. They stayed like this, silently hugging each other for a while. Harry let his tears fall quietly as he comforted Louis, who was still shaking uncontrollably.
“Everything will be alright”, Harry whispered against Louis’s head over and over again, as if he had to convince not only Louis but himself. “We’ll be alright.”
After a few times Louis just slightly nodded in response, holding Harry even tighter. Slowly his breath became more even, the sobs started to fade.
“You alright, lads?”, Liam’s voice echoed a little in the hallway. Harry looked up, seeing Liam walking towards them. His face was full of concern, with a hint of what Harry interpreted as pain and fear of the uncertain. Louis didn’t move, he held onto Harry as if his life depended on it. Slowly Harry shook his head.
“Yeah, neither am I”, Liam murmured in response. “I don’t know what I expected but… not this.” He pinched the bridge of his nose with his pointer and his thumb.
“I know, this is-“, Harry started when Louis suddenly moved his head up, his arms still wrapped around him.
“Shit”, Louis said, more to himself than to anyone else. Harry interchanged looks with Liam, who seemed to be as taken by surprise as him. Louis seemed to notice. “Well, isn’t it? It’s shit. Not what you wanted to say, Haz, but sure as hell nails it.”
Louis grinned in his typical mischievous but innocent way and Harry couldn’t help but smile at him in absolute awe. This was one of the many reasons why he fell in love with this man. With his man. It didn’t matter how much time had passed since they first started dating. Louis still managed to take his breath away. Even in situations like this one, where butterflies in his stomach were the last thing, that should have been on his mind.
“Harry?”, Harry heard his name being said. A hand was waving in front of his face. “Man, are you okay? Poor Louis is being stared down here”, Niall chuckled.
“When did you leave the room?”, Harry let out confused, finally averting his gaze from Louis.
“Oh, you mean since when have I been witnessing this heart-warming but nauseating romcom moment?” Niall pulled up his eyebrows teasingly. “Not that long ago. I just came here a minute ago. But man, you were gone. Like gone gone. You were in a completely different world, like gone for good. The chokehold Louis has on you-“
“Yeah, well thanks Niall”, Harry said quickly. Liam and Niall fell into light-hearted laughter. He could feel the blood rushing into his cheeks. Shyly he lowered his gaze to look at Louis, who had already lifted his head up, his blue eyes meeting his green ones. Harry registered the slight blush of Louis’s cheeks and smiled apologetically.
“So, I have a chokehold on you, mh?”, Louis asked with a raspy voice, not louder than a whisper. His blue eyes were now resting on Harry’s lips. Louis brought his face closer, slowly biting his bottom lip. Harry was well aware of Liam and Niall watching them. Especially Niall. But right now, with Louis this close to him, he couldn’t care less.
“It seems you do”, Harry gave back weakly, feeling Louis’s lips brush against his own.
“Should we tell them to get a room?”, Harry heard Niall say in the distance.
“No, let them have their moment. They will worry enough about everything in a bit. Let them have this”, Liam replied.
“Okay, guess you’re right. Let’s give them two love birds some space, shall we?”, Niall gave back amusedly, and Liam let out a quiet mmh.
The last thing Harry perceived was their footsteps as they appeared further and further away. Then Harry finally closed the distance between him and Louis. Louis’s lips tasted salty from the tears he had cried. Harry took in Louis’s smell and his taste and the way his skin felt on his with every part of his body. He loved this man so much it hurt. And he knew it there and then, no matter what was going to happen, no matter what the future held for them, he would always continue to love him. He would always love Louis Tomlinson.