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There’s a quiet hum drifting through his apartment as you both lie in his bed, unmoving, unbothered by the moonlight threatening to spill between the spaces in the blinds. Phillip’s bare chest is pressed against your back, an arm slipped around your middle and holding you to his body tightly. These nights you spend together seemed like the natural next step in your relationship, but you know how Phillip is. This next step is just the beginning of the end. He’ll get tired of you eventually. Your eyes are open, staring at the wall in front of you. You’re counting Phillip’s breaths quietly, one, two, three, four…
You’ve fallen in love with him. Completely and utterly in love, although you’ve both left it unsaid— and you’re scared. You’re scared to call him your boyfriend. You’re scared that he’d call you his girlfriend. That means something. That means you’re attached to him, and anyone attached to one Phillip Altman gets their heart broken in two. For three months now, you’ve been forcing things to stay as casual as you can, and you still love him; five, six, seven…
His face presses closer to your neck, nose brushing against your shoulder. He breathes in slowly, heavily, pulls you back closer to him. There are so many things you’ve grown to love about him. His laugh, taste in music, the way he’s learned to work through most of his recent trauma. eight, nine… You’ve had your fair share of these relationships, the ones that start out perfect. The ones that he’s trying so hard to get you to fall for him. The ones where you’re so so close to giving your entire heart over to them on a silver platter and they crush it right in your hands. They make you think about your love life over and over, whether you could be potentially happy alone and never have to deal with this heart ache again. But here Phillip is, pressed up against your back trying to prove that he’s somehow different from the rest.
Ten. Phillip’s waking up now, his breathing is different. You can feel the gentle kiss he presses against your shoulder. “go to sleep.” he mumbles, voice rough with sleep. He’s pulling you tighter, his calves brushing yours. “You've gotta work tomorrow.” you listen to his half asleep reminder, the one you wish you could shut your brain off to listen to. How many people has he done this with? How many partners has he said that to? Your heart starts beating faster, tears welling up and threatening to spill. Phillip’s eyes are open now, a soft breath coming from him as he pushes himself up on his other arm to look over at your face. “Sweetheart?”
“Yeah?” your voice cracks. You can’t stand it when he calls you that. Each time pulls you in a little more than you already had been. Each time makes you love him more and just wish that he felt the same.
“What’s going on? you’re crying.” he asks, stating the obvious. A tear does fall down your cheek, and Phillip feels a pang in his heart. “Oh, honey…”
“Stop calling me that.” Your voice has no real malice in it. Not with the way you’re crying. You don’t want to hurt anymore. You don’t want to waste anymore of each other’s time. “Just get it over with… tell me that we’re over and move on to the next one. It’s okay, I’m ready for it.” You don’t meet his eyes. That’ll just make it worse. That will ruin you more than the thoughts would. Especially if you would’ve seen the look of pain on his face.
“What are you talking about?” He asks softly. He reaches out to brush a tear off of your cheek. Phillip starts to think of what could have put you on this, his mind races. He hasn’t been talking to, sleeping with, or seeing anyone else and hasn’t since the moment he first spoke to you. You sealed the deal for him before you even knew his name. “Sweet-”
“Stop it, Phillip.” You snap this time. And Phillip really isn’t sure what’s going on when you’re rolling out of bed, pulling your pajama bottoms back on over your panties. “This… we have to stop this.” You start stammering, looking for words, looking for something to stop the way you’re feeling. “we have to stop this before you find someone else, someone better. I really can’t go through something like that with you. We stop this while we both still have good memories of one another. Okay?” You’re pulling a hoodie over the t-shirt of Phillip’s you had been sleeping in, searching for your keys.
He’s sitting up now, trying to get a grasp on the situation unfolding in front of him. And he’s climbing out of bed, stopping your movements with two strong hands on your arms. “Listen to me.” He says in a soft, but firm tone. “You aren’t leaving right now, it’s the middle of the night. You aren’t going to go through anything like that… Not with me.” His thumbs rub gentle circles on your arms and he smiles sleepily as you look up at him to meet his eyes. “I want you. Everything in my life has changed because of you. The things I want now, I would’ve never wanted until you. What’s it going to take to get you to see that, huh sweetheart?” he asks softly. He watches you shrug your shoulders just a little, which brings a smile to his face. “You hold my whole heart in your hands, babe. There isn’t a single other soul that can say that. You hold Phillip Altman’s heart right in your palms. It’s yours.”
“But-”
“I hope you’re referring to yours.” He smiles at his own lame joke and tilts your chin up just a bit, pulling you towards his body. “I’ve got it bad for you, baby girl. You’re everything I need, breathe, live on. I fucking love you.”
and there’s a silence that draws out between the two of you. He can’t believe he’s said it, he’s never said it in his adult relationships and meant it. But here he is, heart on his sleeve and just hoping he’ll hear it back. His thumb wipes a tear off your cheekbone as you sniffle back a few more. “You love me?”
“I do, and I can’t imagine ever loving anyone else.” His voice is quiet, whispering, but meaning every single word.
“I love you too.” you admit. “and I don’t want to be hurt again… I’m just… scared.” Your hands rest on his shoulders, eyes closing as you lean against him.
“I’m not here to hurt you, sweet pea.”
“You’ve cheated on other women before, Phillip.” you hate to think about it. Hate to imagine what that would do to your heart.
Phillip sighs heavily, “I’d never do that to you. I’ve made mistakes, some really shitty ones. But that’s my past and this is our present, our future.” His arms drop, wrapping around your waist as he holds you in the middle of his bedroom. “and I'll remind you of that everyday. This is our future that I’m changing to make better. I’m changing everyday, my love. Come back to bed? Stay home. Let me show you, my girlfriend, just how much I love you.”
and you fall into his bed again at the word girlfriend, curled up to his chest and listening to him tell stories. You’ve tried so hard to put off labels in your relationship. You didn’t want your heart broken. You didn’t want this to be anything serious at first. And now you’re eating your breakfast and lunch together, you’re eating breakfast and lunch with your boyfriend. He showers with you that evening and reminds you just how beautiful you are. Just how much he loves you. and he doesn’t fuck you, doesn’t make an attempt. But he does undress you, kiss every inch of bare skin— whispers exactly why you have him so fucking drunk on you that it hurts. and he’s so happy to do it. He’s so fucking happy to remind you how much he feels for you.