Work Text:
Cullen usually didn’t consider himself lucky, however, between the back to back meetings, he finally managed to find a few minutes to himself. He sat at his desk, massaging his temples, sending a quick prayer to the Maker that his next meeting with Cassandra would be quick. If the Inquisitor were there, she would have already told him to go rest until dinner. Sahvei Lavellan’s ability to notice his oncoming migraines was honestly impressive. However, with the Inquisitor being out of Skyhold, and on top of that having taken her brother, the General of the Inquisition, Tamnaron, with her, Cullen’s workload had increased ten-fold. Though, he had to admit that he’d much rather be in Skyhold, sorting through reports, than be in the Emprise du Lion with all of that red lyrium around. Cullen slouched in his chair, closing his eyes, and contemplated whether he’d be able to get a quick nap in before Cassandra arrived.
The knock at the door, however, startled him out of his drowsiness, and answered that for him. He shook his head and stood up, before calling out to her that she could let herself in. He focused back on the papers on his desk in front of him, trying to refresh himself about the recruit training that they were meeting about. After a few moments of silence where Cassandra didn’t interrupt him to say anything, or had come close enough that he could see her on the other side of the desk, Cullen confusedly looked up. Rather than Cassandra Pentaghast in his office, he saw someone he rarely saw. A mage, who’d joined the Inquisition at Redcliffe like most of the others, though Beck Jalen was no ordinary enchanter.
Tall and somewhat lanky in stature, Beck stood a few inches taller than Cullen himself. He kept his hair long, and sometimes when looking at the tawny color of it, Cullen was reminded of another mage from his time in Kirkwall. Anders, on the other hand, stood tall and confident, covered in feathers, and usually with his partner, Grey Warden, Tristan Amell. Beck usually wore the common robes of most Circle mages, as though to hide his Senior Enchanter status. When Cullen would see him passing through the library, he’d often be hunched over a book, studying. In all, Cullen knew little about the mage, other than that he was close with Connor, the mage son of Arl Eamon in Redcliffe, according to the report the Inquisitor made after he was recruited alongside the rest of the Redcliffe mages. Additionally, because Cullen was not the one to manage their mage allies, he rarely focused on the reports about what various mages were studying in their attempts to fight the Breach. He was truly at a loss for why Beck had come to his office. In contrast to his normal demure nature, Beck, staring at Cullen, felt like an oncoming storm. If Cullen hadn’t been wearing his full attire, he would have felt the hairs on his arms stand on end. Despite his confusion, Cullen could easily feel the tension in his office, radiating off of Beck.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know that we’ve had the chance to speak before. Enchanter Beck, is there something I can help you with?” Cullen tried, his brows creasing as he tried to puzzle out why the mage had come to his office.
“Unsurprising you don’t remember meeting me before, Rutherford,” Beck said, his hands clenched into fists at his side. Cullen barely tried to respond before Beck cut him off.
“When we met doesn’t really matter, it was a traumatic time for both of us, anyway. I’m here about more recent matters,” Beck said, pausing to take a deep breath. Cullen, still confused, held his tongue, so that he didn’t do something rude like interrupt. He did notice a slight tremor in Beck’s hands, but was quickly refocusing on the mage’s next words.
“When I first arrived in Haven, learning who had been appointed as the leaders of the Inquisition, I could barely believe who they had named Commander. Of course, it could be none other than you, Rutherford. You’re very lucky the Inquisitor has no idea who you are, and that the rest of them ignore it. I, too, have been ignoring it, and likely will go back to doing that after we’re done here,” Beck said, voice seething.
“Excuse me,-”
“You don’t get excuses, Rutherford! I was raised in the Ferelden Circle, I knew Amell and I knew Surana, heroes of the fifth Blight. And for the same reason I knew them, I knew you. I’ll admit, being in the Ostwick Circle meant that I stopped hearing of you, but the Tale of the Champion filled in enough of the blanks.
How dare you be here, propped up as a symbol of mage and templar peace? It's a joke, and everyone who survived Ferelden and Kirkwall’s Circles knows it. You, alone, prove everything Surana ever said about templars and how they could never be trusted no matter what faces they put on. What have you done to atone? Stopped wearing the heraldry? Stopped taking lyrium? Surana and Amell would have made you work for your peace! As I said earlier, you are lucky Inquisitor Lavellan does not know what you’ve done. Your hands are not unblemished, Rutherford. While the glory, of course, goes to your superiors, Greagoir and Meredith, you stood idly by!
How dare you not do more now? How dare you turn your eyes away? How dare you beg the Seeker to find something wrong with you and relieve you of your duties! You don’t get to give up, Rutherford!” Beck yelled, chest beginning to heave with fury. At those words, Cullen suddenly remembered Beck accidentally interrupting his conversation with Cassandra. How foolish he was for thinking the mage hadn’t heard their discussion!
Cullen would freely admit, when Beck started speaking, he wanted to push back against what the mage was saying. He wasn’t in Kirkwall, he had no idea what Cullen lived through. The reminder of Surana and Amell quieted him though. Cullen could remember, clear as the sunny day outside, the looks the two Wardens gave him as they left Kinloch Hold, old Wynne in tow. Surana, disgusted by Cullen’s rage towards the mages, and Amell, he looked at Cullen with only pity. Beck was right, neither of the two heroes would ever see his lyrium withdrawal as atonement for what he’d done. If Cullen really wanted to make things right after what happened in Kirkwall, he needed to do something for the mages, here in the Inquisition. Cullen had turned his eyes away, ignoring what the mages were dealing with, ignoring the ongoing tension between the mages and templars living in Skyhold. Beck was understandably angry, and he was right. Cullen hadn’t even realized that they’d both been at Kinloch Hold!
As Cullen stood there, still reeling from Beck’s words, he could see sparks gathering around Beck’s knuckles. As Beck continued to breathe heavily, Cullen could see Beck’s eyes start to widen in shock, as though surprised at himself for actually managing to say all those things.
“You’re right, Maker’s breath, you’re entirely correct, neither of them would accept this,” Cullen said, pulling them both back to the conversation. “I haven’t done anything that they would consider atonement at all. Enchanter Beck, no one has quite ever spoken to me the way you just have, and I appreciate it,” Cullen said, surprising himself. Mostly, Cullen was just astonished that Beck knew him so well and hadn’t said anything until now. He felt soaked to the bone, drowning in new understanding, suddenly freezing as though he’d just been standing in a thunderous downpour. He spoke to Sahvei about needing to break away from the Templar Order and to put things right, but what had he done to back up those words?
“Not to say that I need someone to just yell at me. I’ve just never taken the time or had the opportunity for someone I’d harmed, directly or not, to speak with me frankly about what could be done that would actually help,” Cullen continued. Beck seemed almost confused the entire time that Cullen was speaking. Wasn’t this what Beck had sought by confronting him? It became somewhat clear to Cullen that Beck was not often so frank with those around him, and that the mage was entirely amazed that he had managed to say those things, and that Cullen actually heard what he was saying and didn’t just toss him out.
“I can’t promise I won’t think that I’m compromised and need to step down, but I’ve been so focused on helping the templars who were abandoned and coerced by their superiors and by the Chantry. This is a unique position I hold, a symbol as you rightfully point out, and there are plenty who are right to be disappointed with it being me,” Cullen said, feeling the resignation wash over him. If he had thought he was unworthy before just because of withdrawal clouding his judgment, how could he continue being here now with this reminder?
“The Inquisition is a second chance for many, Rutherford. None are without redemption, especially in Inquisitor Sahvei’s eyes. She won’t abandon you, so long as you don’t abandon your goal. Be that symbol. Maker knows I don’t think anyone else here could do it. Speak with Helisma, she’s exceedingly observant,” Beck said, having calmed down. Cullen was just glad that despite his justified anger, Beck was still willing to try to help him. Cullen nodded and started losing himself in thought about who else he could seek out. Probably a good idea to start with Leliana, at least learn about what various mages were studying and their possible applications. Perhaps brainstorm together different ways to support their studies.
After the door shut itself with a click behind Beck, Cullen jerked his head towards the door, barely noticing the mage leave just as quietly as he came in. He ran his hand through his hair, going over the conversation multiple times, trying to find a more diplomatic outcome, or something to explain the confusingly quiet arrival and departure, and in his distraction, barely noticed Cassandra come through the door.
“You look as though Andraste herself just appeared,” She said, causing Cullen to jolt in place, looking up at her. Though now that she said it, what just happened was somewhat of a miracle. Cullen felt a spark within him, suddenly inspired to continue working, more focused on what mattered. It was what Sahvei had even said originally, when she and her brother held the longsword above their heads, the Inquisition was meant to help people, and Cullen had plenty of people he’d willfully forgotten.
“Not Andraste herself, but maybe a messenger?” He said, tilting his head as he thought about it. Cassandra gave him a look of confusion, perfectly matching what he felt. He was still bewildered by Beck’s appearance, but extremely glad for the wake up call that it had been.
“Cassandra, have you heard anything about the scuffles between the mages and the former templars here in Skyhold? I've been reminded that we've been overlooking something,”