Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Tequila for your thoughts?" 

There, crowding him in the balcony railings is the personification of his thoughts. Hazy yet sincere brown eyes met his, and amongst the cluster of the stars brightening up the dusky sky is the perceptible tilt of his lips, may it be a smirk or a smile, it was an enticing sight. Too much. The way his arms encaged him. The way something promising is dancing on his orbs. The way his smirk, or maybe his smile, still has fondness painted on it. The way he just knew how to pluck the strings of your heart causing it to go haywire. They way he casually stands with one step distancing you from him. Too much, as if he already carelessly drank five glasses of tequila, embracing all the risks and consequences to follow. Gulf did. With all inhibitions aside, he pulled the risk closer, whispering to hell with the consequences to the night sky because breathing is quite difficult without his arms wrapped around him. Then midnight strikes, and the magic fades.

Yet with an assuring gaze and the most saccharine smile he could offer, he steps away from his risk and consequence.

"The fireworks will be starting soon!".

The pining has been weaved through a decade of their story already, therefore the interrupted moment between them and the anticipation of continuing it is something Gulf could still patiently wait for. The fireworks were beautiful enough to captivate him. Even though the boisterous laughter, dripping with the excitement of a child seemingly witnessing a firework show for the first time in his life, is very much distracting. It was this side of him that he couldn't help but treasure, because despite all the trials and tribulations that could have pushed him to let go of his gentle, warm, and finding happiness in the littlest and shallowest of things persona, here he is, still the same. The person who he fell for because his existence brought sunshine to his life, one that could be difficult, exhausting, and even monotonous. How cheesy his thoughts are, that is why he prefers not to voice them out. It's with his actions, the way his fond gaze riveted to his silhouette after a glimpse of the colorful display and how he released a sigh of affection with the realization of how fortunate he is to have met him and have him in his life for more than a decade.

The subject of his thoughts waltzed towards him, and he welcomed him with open arms, quite literally.

"What is your new year's wish?"

Before he could answer, Bright exaggeratedly proclaimed, "I know, for everyone you love to be happy!", and he stopped himself right away from replying, "Are you?", because he hasn't had a sip of tequila that could he use as an excuse from blurting out sweet nothings.

Despite having alcohol part of his system because being a partygoer is one of his famed personas, Bright's flushed face and intention to crowd his space are enough indication that he's inebriated. Gulf might have agreed to be here in the condition that he would not be too out of place, but he did not need to have his friend all over him, because it's too much. His eyes then pinned on to what he assumed was the bar section, because the tequila is the savior he needed for the night, but Bright must have interpreted it for an invitation for a dance for some reason, because a soft hand engulfed his only for it to pull him towards the center of the dance floor. Gulf is sober, but Bright is intoxicating, therefore it felt like he was taking advantage of something with the arms on his waist and the slow swaying of their bodies as EDM blasted through the speakers. It was an odd sight to behold, but it was fine, more than fine. You're just slow dancing with your best friend for almost thirteen years with the most inappropriate music but nothing between you is appropriate anyways. Gulf reasoned, because one sensible thing is needed in order not to drown in everything Bright that he could not explain.

Being invited in your friend's birthday party are bearable and defensible, especially when you have not spent the whole night by his side, but a new year's eve party which he should never be part of with Bright never leaving him for a minute or two are unexplainable and foreign, and perchance quite bad for his heart. But with love comes selfish and foolish reasons, such as the following events of January 1st.

"It's suffocating, I want to run away with you".

Therefore, after participating in the capturing of photos and videos for memory and social media sake, practicing his rusty social skills with people he met for the first time courtesy of his friend, and drunk dancing, the pair found themselves on the streets. A bottle of tequila in Gulf's left hand and his right held by Bright as he was clumsily twirled around in pretense of doing a ballroom dance of some sort. They were drunk. Gulf again reasoned, because their giggling is disrupting the dead of the night and he could still taste the sourness of the lemon he nibbled at because what is tequila without it, even though he only took one and left with the bottle, and did Gulf already shared how enchanting Bright is under the moonlight? With all inhibitions aside, Gulf let himself be twirled until nausea caught up to him, and he again fell onto Bright. Now, quite literally. Laughter ensues, and since it is not a romantic movie, they separate before the sparks burn them. Finally, both of them realized they need to sober up before they do something they want but shouldn't be doing, ending up with them in the 24 hours opened convenience store with a shared ramen and two canned coffees.

"What's your new year's wish?"

Bright has been trying to unravel his thoughts, therefore Gulf thought it is fair for him to do so as well.

"Same old thing."

Typical of him to answer that, because he knows how Gulf understands him, and that is a heavy burden because sometimes the latter couldn't comprehend Bright. Mainly in those days that Bright could happily exist without him, but came back when he needed a shoulder to lean on, because that's Gulf's purpose in his life. A friend when needed, and someone he couldn't remember when he desires another. Gulf took a shot of the tequila and a sip of a coffee afterwards, because a deadly combination is much better than the bitterness and heartache he endured these past months. He chose to move past that, and Bright was apologetic about it when he shouldn't be, because chasing his happiness and being immersed in love is something no one should ever be remorseful for, even if some hearts do suffer. Your joyous win is the heavy loss of another. Pitiful, but a tormenting reality he has learned to accept. I will try to understand you, because if I don't, who will be here left for you when the world turns their back on you? Gulf vowed, because love should be selfless too.

"You had it, and will have it again".

If you only tilt your head to your right a bit and be open-minded, the happiness and love you had would be constant, but of course it is another one of Gulf's thoughts he will never voice out. Because as he offers himself wholeheartedly, he only has pieces of Bright in return, and for thirteen years that has been enough. 

"There are days I fear to face because you might have finally become too exhausted to wait for me".

Gulf reaches for his hand to give a reassuring squeeze because he could still wait, he is selfish to do so.

"I'm sorry because this happens all the time, the push and shoving, me being afraid, and giving you all that is lacking and all that you never deserve".

Bright should never apologize for not being ready for the risks and consequences, because Gulf will always understand why.

"I'll stay in the place you want me to have, under the guise of what you want it to be, and will hold on to the pieces you could only give, no matter how jagged they can be".

Out of all the sweet nothings he could say and all the thoughts he will continue to stow away in the farthest place in his mind, this is solely the reassuring truth Gulf could give for now, because as selfless he can be, he is still selfish enough to safeguard a part of himself.

"I'm sorry for being persistent".

Bright puts his arms around Gulf's shoulder, pulling him close, as if saying it's okay, they'll meet halfway soon.

"You are part of the reason my new year's resolution always comes true".

Gulf makes Bright happy, and it is enough motivation for him to soldier on.

"And with that, you made mine come true as well".

Bright heaves a sigh of relief, because Gulf has once again dispelled the anxieties, doubts, and pessimistic thoughts he has.

I love you, the rising sun heard, and it is sufficient for now.

To end and start the new year with you, that is how I envisioned our love would be, always choosing to be with each other, may it be in each other's arms or in one another's thoughts.

"𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐮𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞; 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮. 𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐝𝐚𝐲. - 𝐉𝐮𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧 𝐖𝐞𝐭𝐜𝐡"