Archive of Our Own ^beta

AN: Originally written as a series of livejournal comments in response to the prompt below, this story [clearly] took on a life of its own. Earlier versions, wonderful fan art and more can be found on my journal (link in profile).

Full Prompt: I love soulbonding, especially when it is combined with telepathy. Now, lots of Kirk/Spock includes elements of both, but I"d love a fic that really focused on it. Linger lovingly on the details for me, anon! *Please include predestination - not just "Spock Prime said so" but them/their souls recognizing each other. *Mind melded sex is an absolute must, with more focus on their mental interaction than the physical. Simultaneous orgasms are de rigeur. *Big bonus points for including a telepathic bond they can use to communicate. With clichés like these, who needs a plot? But if you do need one, I"d love it to go over some bits of the movie with the new angle of them denying/fighting this predestined soulbond. And if it included Sarek recognizing the truth and/or talking some sense to them, I"ll love you forever, anon!

*****

How High the Moon

*****

1. Shielded

"I married her because I loved her."

Spock, his control still tenuous after his rage on the bridge, barely managed to keep his gaze from darting to his father in surprise at a confession he had never thought he would hear. A distant part of him wryly observed that his father could have chosen to express this truth years ago instead of hiding it behind "logic," sparing Spock a great deal of pain over his own irrepressible love for his mother. Still, after the day"s events, Sarek"s efforts to comfort his son were soothing to Spock"s raw nerves. Sarek had loved Amanda, which meant that no matter how heartless others thought Spock, Sarek knew that Spock had loved his mother too.

At the thought of the fight on the bridge, Spock"s hands involuntarily clenched into fists. He could remember very little of the last half hour save the fire of his fury, which had burned white-hot and completely out of his control. But he remembered every detail of Kirk himself perfectly: the cool softness of Kirk’s skin beneath his fingers as he crushed Kirk to the console, Kirk"s delicate collar bone, the slow human heartbeat throbbing against his palm, the vivid blue of Kirk’s eyes as he began to lose consciousness. The sound of his desperate gasps for breath.

I bet you never even loved her –

Spock cut off all thoughts of Kirk instantly. Kirk"s words had been cruel, designed to hurt and enrage. He would not dwell on them.

“Spock." Spock turned to see his father looking very serious. "I reviewed the lists of survivors. T’Pring was not among them."

T"Pring. His bondmate, connected to him through a mental link since they were seven. Although it had been months since Spock had even thought of her, he closed his eyes and allowed himself a moment of grief for her needless loss, and the loss of so many others.

His father pressed on. "Your mind is predominantly Vulcan, and so you are at as great a risk from your broken bond as any Vulcan. You are aware of the dangers?"

"Yes." Eyes still closed, Spock recited the symptoms from memory. "Crippling depression. Loss of emotional control. Loss of mental stability. Madness and insanity. Eventual suicide."

"Then you know you cannot allow the severed bond to remain loose in your mind. You must erect mental shields immediately."

“I am already shielded. T’Pring and I agreed to shield our minds and our bond from each other when I left Vulcan. I have not felt her presence in my mind for years.”

“Nevertheless, go and meditate now. Quickly. Reinforce your shields. Do not allow your mind to experience her loss.” Sarek’s voice became quieter. “I have already shielded myself. No Vulcan fares well when emotionally compromised by the loss of their bondmate.”

Spock"s throat tightened ever so slightly. Frankly, he"d had enough emotional compromise today to last a lifetime.

He stood and took his leave from his father. Although Kirk was almost certainly assuming the captaincy on the bridge at that very moment, Spock retreated instead to the privacy of his quarters. There he sat cross-legged on the floor in front of his bunk and lost himself to the sweet oblivion of meditation.

*

Deep within his mind, it is a simple matter for Spock to find the place where he built the mental shields that separated him from T’Pring. Behind those telepathic walls lie the remains of his bond.

As he examines the shields for damage, he is aware that something is behind them. It flutters faintly, like a baby bird fluffing its tiny wings. It does not feel like death; it feels, strangely, like birth. But Spock will not risk exposing himself to a broken mind link and the dangers it brings.

He doubles the barriers, reinforces the defenses between the shattered bond and his mind. The awareness disappears.

As he creates impenetrable walls, he can"t resist feeling a faint hope that someday he"ll find another – not like T’Pring who only tolerated him, but his true bondmate, what humans would call a soulmate. When he does, he will tear down the shields he has constructed, and he will bond anew.

But for now, he has sealed that part of himself off as completely as he can and he feels –

Nothing.

*****

2. Uninterested

One Earth standard month had passed since the defeat of Nero and the beginning of the Enterprise"s new voyage, and Spock acknowledged that he was more at ease than he had ever been on any planet. He had the respect of the crew, a tolerable commanding officer, and a satisfying relationship with an intelligent Terran female. In contrast to his tumultuous childhood, on this starship he had reached a place of serenity and contentment. In truth, the depth of his well-being almost surprised him, given all that had happened such a short time ago.

“You’re sure you’re fine?” The doctor’s soft country accent was belied by his piercing eyes. Spock had come to appreciate that while McCoy was often overly emotional, by no means did he lack intelligence. “No PTSD or anything? You got some human in you, you know, Spock, and humans have emotional problems after tragedies.”

“I assure you, I am quite well.”

“Hmm. You sleeping alright?”

Spock could not recall ever sleeping so deeply or so well. Since the destruction of Nero, both his sleep and his meditation had been inordinately satisfying. “Yes, doctor.”

McCoy pursed his lips. “Well, the tricorder agrees with you. You’re fit as a fiddle.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “I fail to see how my resemblance to a Terran stringed instrument could possibly –”

“I just meant you’re healthy,” McCoy said irritably. “Against all odds, you might just be the healthiest being on this ship. So scram – I’ve managed to get Jim to agree to a check up and Lord knows I better make the most of it.”

“Is the captain ill?”

“You haven’t noticed? Bags under his eyes, restlessness, insomnia, depression –”

“He performs his duties adequately.”

“Well, of course he does! He’s a goddamn professional. But he’s also a mess.” McCoy pointedly added, “Maybe as First Officer you should do something about that.”

“I assure you, if I notice any interference with his duties –”

“For chrissake, you really don"t have feelings," McCoy spat. "Jim’s an emotional wreck and all you think about is whether he can work.”
Spock did not react to McCoy"s irrational anger. “That is what my duty as First Officer requires," he said neutrally.

“What about your duty as his friend?”

“Captain Kirk and I are not friends. We have a professional relationship that –”

“You know what? Forget it,” McCoy said disgustedly. “Just forget I brought it up. Get your heartless body out of my sickbay.”

Spock suppressed a quivering of irritation. “You are well aware that my heart is –”

“Out!”

It would have been pointless to continue arguing. Spock stood from the biobed. As he walked through the doors, he nearly collided with the captain, only managing to avoid contact by quickly stepping to the side.

“Oh, sorry I – Spock!” A brilliant smile lit up Kirk’s face. “I didn’t know I’d get to see you in here. Bones checking you out, too?”

“Checking me out?”

Kirk’s smile turned sheepish. “Human expression. I’m asking if you had a physical examination with McCoy.”

“I see. Yes, I did.” Spock looked more closely at Kirk. There was indeed a faint purplish discoloration beneath Kirk’s eyes, and his skin was paler than it should have been. Beneath his hopeful smile, there was evidence of strain and fatigue, as if the captain had been under a great deal of stress lately.

McCoy’s deduction that the captain had not been sleeping appeared to be a logical one. Spock hoped that McCoy would provide a sleep aid, as an unrested captain would be detrimental to the ship. He turned to leave, but Kirk’s voice stopped him. “Spock?”

“Yes, Captain?”

“I - I heard you play chess.”

“Yes.” Spock did not understand why Kirk was detaining him.

“Oh. Well." Kirk hesitated, and then finally said, "I do, too.”

Spock waited 5.3 seconds. When Kirk did not continue, Spock assumed he was finished speaking. “I will see you on the bridge, Captain.”

He turned and strode away.

*****

Just before the scheduled end of alpha shift, Kirk appeared at Spock’s science station. “Spock?”

“Yes, Captain?” Spock inquired patiently, despite the fact that he was in the middle of several calculations.

Kirk took a deep breath. “Would you like to play chess with me tonight?”

His mannerisms and the tone of his voice indicated nervousness to Spock. Spock found it odd. He knew of no reasons why the captain of the Enterprise should be nervous on his own bridge, without an enemy in sight. “Negative,” he said. When Kirk did not leave immediately, Spock asked, “Do you require anything else?”

Kirk was staring at him. “That’s it? You just don’t want to play with me? No explanation or anything?”

Spock met the captain’s eyes. They were rimmed with red, and the blue was noticeably less vivid then it had been one month ago. “If you require an explanation, it is that I have plans with Nyota tonight.”

Kirk slumped. “Of course you do. Because you two are...”

He trailed off. Spock raised an eyebrow. “We are what?”

“Together.” It seemed difficult for Kirk to say it. “You’re her - her boyfriend.”

“That is a correct interpretation of our relationship. And I will not cancel my plans with Nyota in order to play chess with you.”

“Of course you won’t.” Kirk fell silent, his face unnaturally emotionless. The cocky smile and cheerful demeanor he"d had when Spock first met him were no longer present in any capacity.

It was illogical and impossible, but Kirk seemed smaller than he had a month ago. No – neglected. That was a more precise way to describe it. Like a plant that was not being adequately tended to; that was not getting the sunlight, water and nutrients it required. No doubt an unforeseen side-effect of the lack of sleep.

“Well, if you ever find yourself free - ”

“That is unlikely to occur, Captain,” Spock said, truthfully if bluntly, and returned to his calculations.

*****

The days out in space passed uneventfully, but aboard the Enterprise Spock continued to thrive, enjoying a sense of well-being that had eluded him his entire life. His body was in peak condition, and there was a mental contentment within him as well; a feeling that on this ship, he was valued. Wanted. Where before he had been unpleasantly sensitive to being the only hybrid of his kind in the galaxy, he now woke each morning with a faint impression that here, his uniqueness was something special. Cherished, even.

He was in his quarters one night, coming out of a deeply satisfying meditative trance, when he became aware of a repetitive sound against the wall he shared with Kirk.

Thunk. A pause. Thunk. Another pause.

Spock raised a brow. It was the middle of Kirk"s off-shift, when most humans would be sleeping. Kirk"s insomnia was not new to Spock. He often heard Kirk through their shared wall, moving restlessly about his quarters at night. This sound, however, was new.

Thunk.

And most unwelcome.

He stood up and went out into the corridor to buzz the intercom for the captain"s quarters.

"Come in," Kirk called.

He stepped inside, absently noting that the room was uncharacteristically messy. "Captain."

"Spock!" Kirk, who was lying on his back on his couch in sweatpants and a t-shirt, seemed completely flustered. He quickly sat up and ran his hands through his hair in a vain attempt to smooth it. "Shit, sorry, I"m not even dressed."

"Whether you are dressed or not is of absolutely no interest to me."

Kirk seemed to shrink a little. "Right," he said awkwardly. He swallowed. "So. What - uh - what can I do for you?"

"I request that you cease creating your aural disturbance."

"My - " Kirk winced in realization. He held up his right hand, which was clutching a small ball. "You heard me throwing this against the wall?"

"Affirmative."

Kirk tossed it to the side, into a pile of clothes. "Sorry. I didn"t realize you could hear it. I"ll stop," he promised.

"Why would you engage in such a childish activity to begin with?"

"I -" Kirk glanced furtively at Spock. His eyes were still shot through with red. "I just can"t sleep much lately. My head always seems to hurt." He rubbed his face irritably. "At least, I think it"s my head," he said, almost to himself.

Spock scrutinized Kirk for a moment. The bags beneath Kirk"s eyes were now much darker purple, and his skin"s previous paleness had taken on a decidedly unhealthy pallor. "Have you spoken to Dr. McCoy about your insomnia? Perhaps he can prescribe you a sleep aid."

"Bones is doing all he can, but I have bad reactions to a lot of medications. Allergies, you know."

"I see." Reassured to hear that the doctor was dealing with the captain"s health issues, Spock turned to leave. "Goodnight, Captain."

"Wait - " Kirk blurted quickly.

Spock turned back patiently.

Kirk wet his lips nervously. "I - I just thought - I mean, since you"re awake, and I"m awake, and you"re already here, maybe you could stay for a couple minutes?"

"For what purpose?" Spock asked curiously.

"Anything, really. We could, uh - well, we could have a cup of coffee?"

"I do not drink coffee."

"Tea, then. I would drink tea for you - "

"I do not require refreshment at this time."

"Well, we could do anything you wanted. We could talk about your science experiments, or you could teach me some Vulcan words, or - "

"I must decline. I have paperwork to complete."

Kirk stared at him for a moment. When Kirk spoke, his voice was strained. "You"re turning me down for paperwork?"

"Yes," Spock said, pleased that Kirk understood that he needed to attend his work. "Goodnight, Captain."

Illogically, he could have sworn he could still feel Kirk"s eyes staring after him as he left.

*****

Several days later, Spock was in his quarters, about to leave to meet Nyota for dinner, when he suddenly heard a commotion in the bathroom he shared with Kirk.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck - "

There was a series of crashes, like an ungainly body banging into the shower facilities and knocking bottles to the floor. The shattering sound of something glass breaking was followed by a loud thump, like a grown man collapsing to his knees.

"Jim - " McCoy"s worried voice cut through the noise.

Spock heard the sound of violent retching, followed by moaning.

"Bones - "

Another body dropped to the ground, sounding much more controlled. "For chrissake, kid, what the hell were you thinking? Drinking that shit, and on an empty stomach - "

He heard Kirk vomit again. "Bones - "

"Shh, alright Jimmy, I"ll yell at you later. Now be easy, I got you - "

Spock turned and strode to the bathroom doors, which opened at his touch.

"Is everything in order, Captain?"

Kirk, bent over the toilet with his hands braced on the rim, froze. He looked up at Spock, his eyes watery and his white face mottled with pink. "Spock?" His expression crumpled.

"Does he look in order to you?" McCoy snapped. His voice was harsh, but the hand around Kirk"s back was supporting him gently.

"No, he does not." Spock leaned up against the doorway of the bathroom and folded his arms over his chest. Nyota would understand if he was a few minutes late to dinner due to requiring an immediate report on the captain"s health. "What manner of illness has the captain contracted?"

"Klingon bloodwine flu."

It took Spock a moment to recognize McCoy"s words as sarcasm. When he discerned their meaning, his eyebrows flew up. "The captain drank Klingon bloodwine? That is not for humans."

"What do you care?" McCoy snapped. Kirk heaved again; nothing coming up this time. McCoy slid the hand on Kirk"s back across to his shoulder, cradling Kirk beneath his arm. "He"s finally off-duty for a couple shifts in a row. He can drink whatever he wants to."

Spock found McCoy"s sudden defense of Kirk quite incongruous with the doctor"s earlier chastisement of the captain. "I simply question the wisdom of ever consuming such potent alcohol when one is responsible for the well-being of a starship and its entire crew," he said coolly.

Kirk shrank a little into himself. "I was jus" tryin" t"make the hurt stop," he slurred, more to the toilet than Spock. He rubbed clumsily at his forehead, and then at his chest, right over his heart.

"If you lack the ability to discern what is a non-debilitating type of alcohol to imbibe, perhaps the logical solution is that you refrain from drinking altogether," Spock offered, in what he felt was a very reasonable tone of voice.

McCoy turned to him in disgust. "Why are you still here?"

"I - "

"You"re only making things worse," McCoy told him bluntly. "If you"re not gonna help, get lost."

"It would be my pleasure, doctor," Spock said curtly, not appreciating McCoy"s sharp tone. "I assure you, I have no wish to spend any additional time with either you or the captain, particularly when Nyota is expecting me."

As he shut the bathroom doors, the last thing he heard was a whimper, the unmistakable sound of a human in pain.

*****

Spock was, frankly, beginning to doubt McCoy"s abilities as a doctor.

It had now been three weeks since he"d seen Kirk vomiting up Klingon bloodwine, and Kirk"s condition didn"t seem to have improved at all. Kirk was currently off-duty, but he hadn"t even beamed down to the Federation planet the Enterprise was currently orbiting, Altair IV. Instead, Spock could see him over at a nearby table in the nearly-empty mess hall, looking lost and small and sick. He was staring at Spock with the same unreadable expression he often wore on the bridge.

McCoy sat beside Kirk at the table. The doctor was speaking quietly, but emotionally and just loud enough that Spock’s Vulcan ears could make out his words. “Eat, Jim."

Kirk"s tray was untouched in front of him. He made no move towards it. "I can"t."

"Jim - "

"I"m not hungry."

"You"re never hungry anymore. I"m watching you waste away." McCoy gruffness did not hide his concern. "You"re making me worry here, kid. You barely eat, you don’t sleep – ”

“There"s nothing more to say about it, Bones.”

“But you’re - " McCoy dropped his voice even lower. "You"re a shadow of yourself. You’re suffering – maybe there"s more we can –”

Kirk smiled bitterly. “Even you can"t fix me this time.”

McCoy sighed, and reached across the table to put a hand on Kirk’s shoulder. Inexplicably, he shot a glare in Spock’s direction. “Of all people –”

“I know.” Kirk sounded haunted. “Believe me, I know. He’s got a girlfriend, he’s happy. And I don’t want to ruin that, I want him to be happy. But I think I’d feel better if – if I could just spend time with him – just as friends – or just any time at all, hell, I’d take anything.”

“He’s turned you down every time?”

“Every. Single. Time.” Kirk’s voice was thick and raspy. “No matter what I ask. I’m used to it, by now. But apparently still a glutton for punishment, because I keep trying.”

Spock ate a bite of his salad and pondered the odds that they were discussing him. Over the past three weeks, he had turned down 16 additional requests for chess, 8 requests for sparring, 23 requests to share a meal, and 4 requests to engage in a research project with Kirk. There was simply no reason to waste time on recreational activities with Kirk when he could be engaged in fruitful work for the ship.

McCoy rubbed his face for a moment. "Why don"t you beam down to Altair IV? We"re here for 24 hours and you"re off-duty for the next three days. Most of your crew"s already down there, enjoying some time off. Why not join them? Maybe find a girl?"

"I"m - " Kirk swallowed. "I tried. I"m not welcome on Altair IV."

Spock found the statement strange, but McCoy winced like it meant something to him. "Oh. Oh, dammit, Jim, I"m sorry, I forgot your - "

"It"s fine," Kirk said tightly. "Frank"s right. I only upset her."

"Jesus, kid, you"re the captain of the goddamn Enterprise, it"s not like you"re calling from an Iowa jail cell asking for bail money."

"It"s fine," Kirk said again. He"d set his jaw. "Good, even. More practice taking rejection."

“For the love of –” McCoy suddenly shoved his chair away from the table and stood. Moments later, he was standing across from Spock. “Go eat your salad with Jim.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “I am nearly finished.”

McCoy put his hands on the table and leaned down. “Then play chess with him tonight.”

“That would be an illogical waste of time.”

“Maybe so, but it would make Jim happy, and there is nothing illogical about making the captain happy.”

Spock tilted his head back to look up the angry doctor. “You make a fascinating argument.”

McCoy slammed his hand on the table. “It’s not an argument, it’s a medical order,” he said menacingly. “He expects you at his quarters at 2100 hours. Don’t be late.”

*****

Spock met Nyota in her quarters that night, as he often did when they were both off-shift. He enjoyed her company. She was quite logical in her thinking and remarkably brilliant. She also understood the Vulcan need for mental closeness before physical closeness, and did not press him for more than the occasional kiss. They had a most satisfactory relationship.

Tonight, they sat in soft chairs across from each other, sipping tea. Nyota set down her cup and stretched. “What a long week it"s been.”

“What an illogical human expression,” Spock commented dryly. “Weeks are always the same length of time in duration.”

Nyota smiled at him. Spock had seen human males fall all over themselves to speak with her when she smiled like that. “It felt long, is all I meant. I never thought I’d say it, but I miss the old Kirk, the unapologetic hick from Iowa. At least he made the shift go faster.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “You believe the captain to be behaving differently recently?”

“You mean, do I think Kirk looks like shit?” she said bluntly. “Yes. He looks like he hasn’t slept in forever. He rarely jokes with the crew, and he never hits on anyone anymore. He seems miserable.”

“Do you have a hypothesis to explain his behavior?”

Nyota shrugged delicately. “At first I thought he was sick. But Christine told me that McCoy has Kirk in sickbay constantly, trying everything he can think of. And nothing helps. So maybe it"s just the stress of the captaincy?" She picked her tea up and took a sip. "Most people get years of experience before they"re expected to run a whole ship, but Kirk was just thrown right into it. And while he"s good at it, really good, it still must be overwhelming for him."

"That is a logical hypothesis," Spock agreed. "Do any of the other crew members have a theory?"

Nyota rolled her eyes fondly. "Pavel does. But it"s silly."

"What does Ensign Chekov believe?" Spock asked curiously.

She sighed. "He thinks someone broke Kirk"s heart.”

Spock blinked. "I am not familiar with that expression."

"He means unrequited love," Nyota clarified. "Pavel thinks Kirk loves someone, and they don"t love him back. Of course, he"s also seventeen, and thinks that tragic love stories were inwented in Russia." She smiled affectionately as she said it.

Spock considered this. "I was not aware that humans could suffer physical symptoms from un-reciprocated attraction."

"Sometimes." She shook her head. "But I don"t think that"s why Kirk looks so exhausted. I mean, come on. It"s Kirk. I"m pretty sure monogamous relationships are on his list of allergies. Pavel did make me think, though, and - " She hesitated.

"What?"

“I actually do think Kirk is interested in someone. I think he"s interested in you.”

That surprised Spock. “Please explain.”

“He’s always staring at you. And the only time he responds at all normally is when you talk with him. He lights up, but then when you leave, he slumps down and looks worse than before.”

“Indeed?” Spock thought about Kirk’s recent behavior, and although he was not particularly skilled in the mating customs of humans, he still calculated a 48.67% possibility that Nyota was correct. “I am to play chess with him tonight. Medical orders.”

Nyota smiled. “Well, maybe he"s going to try to seduce you.”

“He will not have that opportunity. I will inform him that I am in a committed relationship and not interested in pursuing one with him.”

That got him kissed – and quite soundly, even by human standards.

*****

“Spock, thanks for coming,” Kirk said as he answered the door. “I know Bones bullied you into it, but I’m really glad you’re here.”

Spock did not step inside the room. Instead he surveyed the scene. Kirk had showered and changed into a non-regulation shirt that was the same color as his eyes. The spotless room beyond was warm, a comfortable temperature for Vulcans rather than humans. The chessboard was already set, and Spock could see a pot of tea and a dish of fruit set next to the board.

He raised an eyebrow, and raised his calculation to 61.72%. “Captain, I must decline your invitation.”

Kirk’s expression fell. “What? Why?”

“My calculations would imply that you are interested in a relationship with me that goes beyond the professional level. The environment you have constructed here has increased the chances that I am correct, and that you are planning a seduction of some kind.”

“But –”

“Your seduction is not welcome. I am satisfied with my relationship with Lieutenant Uhura, and I do not wish to replace it with one with you. She is logical and intelligent. You are also intelligent, but you are impulsive and promiscuous. You would not make as satisfactory a partner.”

Kirk made a choked sound. A broken sound.

“Do you understand, Captain?” Spock asked patiently.

“We – we could still be friends –”

“No. I am a Vulcan. I do not need friends. I am, as humans put it, not interested in you.”

Kirk bit his lip and looked away.

“I trust I have made my point?”

Kirk nodded shakily, still not looking at Spock.

“Good. I endeavor to make myself clear.”

“Congratulations,” Kirk said hoarsely. His blue eyes, focused anywhere but Spock, were strangely shiny. “You succeed.”

“Very well, then. Good night, Captain.”

And Spock left.

*****

3. Wounded

Spock did not see or hear from Kirk again for the remainder of Kirk"s three days off. In place of Kirk"s previous daily attempts to engage Spock in some sort of activity or conversation, there was now complete silence. Had Spock been given to flights of fancy, he might have thought Kirk was avoiding him. The more logical explanation was simply that Spock had successfully communicated that he was not interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with Kirk, and that Kirk had accordingly lost interest.

The Enterprise left Altair IV as scheduled, making their way to the nearby Riidux system for their next assignment. They had just dropped out of warp to the view of a stunning blue and green planet when, twenty minutes before his shift was scheduled to start, the turbolift doors opened and Kirk walked onto the bridge.

There was a soft gasp from Chekov, and a tiny strangled noise from Sulu. Nyota turned to look, and nearly dropped her headset on the floor. Even Spock experienced a moment of surprise.

Kirk looked like he"d transported to the bridge straight from hell. His normally handsome features were wracked with exhaustion, the dark circles so purple he appeared to have two black eyes. His skin was sickly pale, his hair lank and limp, and his bright blue eyes dulled to grey, so bloodshot that Spock"s own eyes involuntarily watered. Kirk"s movements were strained, as if every step he took required an immense effort.

"Captain," Nyota said, sounding choked up. She glanced at Spock, and he saw the worry in her eyes. She looked back at Kirk. "Captain, are you - Jim, are you alright?"

"Just insomnia, Lieutenant," Kirk said with a clearly forced pleasantness. He very carefully did not look at Spock as he took a seat in the captain"s chair. "Status report, Ensign?"

The young navigator was still staring at Kirk, his large eyes lit with concern. "Ve are entering orbit around Riidux III now, sir."

"Early, even. Well done, Ensign." Kirk picked up a PADD, rubbing a hand over his face tiredly.

Chekov, eyes still on Kirk, chewed on his lip for a moment. "Ve vill be in contact range soon, Keptin."

"You and Sulu performed admirably to get us here early." Kirk touched the surface of the PADD, his movements stiff and robotic. "I"m making a note in your records."

Chekov and Sulu exchanged a look that suggested they hadn"t been fishing for Kirk"s praise. An expression of determination crossed Chekov"s face. "Riidux High Council is wery excited to see you. They say you are most impressive human in galaxy."

"Obviously they haven"t actually met me." Words like those were usually meant as a self-deprecating joke, Spock knew. But Kirk delivered them hollowly, like lines read from a script.

"But you are impressive, Keptin," Chekov persisted. "Eweryone think so. Vhen Starfleet vants to impress planet, they alvays send you, yes?"

It was true. Even with Kirk"s deteriorated condition, the famous Enterprise with its acclaimed young captain was Starfleet"s most highly regarded Ambassador. Their current mission was only a routine envoy to a touristy new Federation member, Riidux III. Any ship could have made the visit, but Starfleet had diplomatically chosen to send the well-loved Enterprise. Their arrival was set to coincide with Riidux"s busiest tourist season, which had sent Riidux"s High Council into transports of excitement and delight.

Kirk glanced up, and gave Chekov a tiny smile that was simultaneously grateful and pained. He turned his attention immediately back to his PADDs. "Are we securely in orbit, Lieutenant Sulu?"

"Yes sir."

Spock couldn"t resist an opportunity to increase efficiency. "Ensign Chekov already told you we had entered orbit, Captain. It is unnecessary and wasteful to inquire after the identical information from Lieutenant Sulu."

Sulu and Chekov turned in unison. Twin dark stares were directed at Spock.

Kirk closed his eyes for a second. "Acknowledged, Commander," he said quietly, without inflection. He still didn"t look at Spock.

"Mr. Spock," Sulu said, his polite tone stretched like a thin veneer over simmering frustration. "Isn"t taking the time to correct Captain Kirk on such a trivial matter even more unnecessary and wasteful?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Certainly not. Empirical evidence suggests that he would have made the same mistake on average 2.245 times per week for all future weeks he serves as captain aboard the Enterprise. When extrapolated for the length of the five-year mission, taking into account Captain Kirk"s penchant for injury and time spent in sickbay, I am preventing the waste of approximately 6050.275 seconds."

Sulu"s eyes narrowed a fraction. Chekov looked personally affronted on Kirk"s behalf. Spock waited to see how Kirk would react to what his crew perceived as criticism.

He - simply didn"t. Several seconds went by, but Kirk didn"t so much as flinch, nor did he speak a word in his own defense. He only continued to stare blankly at his PADD, as if numb to Spock"s words. Spock"s lips thinned. "Was there anything else, Lieutenant?" he asked sardonically.

"No sir," Sulu said, the barest hint of disapproval in his voice. He and Chekov turned back to their stations.

Spock"s gaze lingered on Kirk for a moment, hunched as he was into the captain"s chair, looking small and young in the large seat. There was almost nothing left of the charming, gregarious attitude Kirk had exuded when the Enterprise had left Earth. Where his uniform tunic had once been stretched tight by generous muscle, it was now ill-fitting and baggy, the fabric loose around his chest and arms. Spock wondered how much weight Kirk had lost.

Spock was admittedly puzzled, but as long as the captain performed his duties adequately, Spock would leave matters of his health to the medical professionals. He turned back to his own station, and scanned the dossier for the new planet.

He knew Riidux III was renowned for its spectacular cities and made the bulk of its money through tourism. Although the cities of the planet were safe, the wilderness surrounding the cities was infested with seven different species of man-eating predators. Ironically, the danger only seemed to enrich the cities’ mystique in the minds of tourists through a sort of morbid excitement. For the Enterprise, it would mean that their transport to the surface needed to be done with the strictest accuracy.

A few silent minutes passed on the bridge, and then they were in contact range. "Hailing frequencies open, Captain," Nyota said, worry still evident in her eyes when she looked at Kirk. "Connecting now."

A moment later, the image of Riidux III was replaced by the nervous face of a young Riiduxan assistant who introduced himself as Zorag. "Captain K-Kirk!" He wrung two of his four hands together. "You are early, sir. The High Council is still in session. Shall I interrupt them?" He looked around, and then leaned forward. "I can, but they won"t like that much."

Kirk seemed to take pity on the young assistant. "If you can provide the beaming coordinates, then there"s no need to disturb them."

Zorag breathed a sigh of relief. "Certainly, I can get them - one moment." He fumbled at the console in front of him for several moments. He finally lifted a PADD up, staring at it and making a face. "I think - yes, here they are."

Kirk seemed slightly disturbed by Zorag"s disorganized manner. "You"re completely certain you have the correct ones?"

"Of course, sir!" Zorag looked insulted. "I would not send an honored guest incorrect coordinates. You"d be eaten before you could even hail your ship. And worse, I"d be fired."

"I see," Kirk said slowly. "Well, we"ll be down momentarily then."

He cut the transmission, and then contacted the transporter room. "Scotty, you should be receiving the transport coordinates now. Have a security team ready to accompany me in the first landing party."

"Aye, sir."

Kirk stood. Chekov spun around in his seat. "Keptin, I vill come vith you in first party too, yes?"

"Not this time, Ensign," Kirk said regretfully. He ran a tired hand through his hair. "Just me and security in the first group. Beaming to Riidux is too dangerous for me to let anyone else go down until I know the coordinates we have are accurate."

Spock raised his eyebrows. "If you are that concerned with the planet"s danger then I must accompany you, Captain."

"No."

Spock was slightly taken aback by the strength of Kirk"s refusal. He wouldn"t have thought Kirk had enough energy to be that vehement. He stood up. "Captain - "

"I said no, Commander." Kirk crossed the bridge to the turbolift.

Spock followed him. "Captain, I must insist that I - "

"Absolutely not. Second party, when I know it"s safe, Mr. Spock," Kirk said sharply, even as he continued to avoid Spock"s eyes. "Consider that an order."

And the turbolift doors slid shut.

Spock stood still for a moment, staring at the closed door of the lift. Then he turned and strode to the captain"s chair. He took a seat, steepled his fingers as he stared at the image of Riidux on the viewscreen, and tried to interpret Kirk"s human emotions to understand what had just happened.

Kirk had prevented Spock from beaming down because it might not be safe. Yet a First Officer"s duties specifically included protecting the captain from physical danger. Kirk had no business protecting the life of his second-in-command at a risk to his own. He had clearly done so because, despite Spock"s explicit rejection, he continued to harbor romantic intentions toward Spock.

He stood up. "Mr. Sulu, you have the con," he said, as he crossed over the the turbolift.

"What? But Spock, the captain ordered - "

Spock shut the turbolift doors, cutting off Sulu"s protest. The captain’s order could be circumvented if necessary to carry out this duty, and it was clearly necessary here. He was not impressed by Kirk"s decision to protect Spock from the dangers of Riidux while risking himself. Kirk"s feelings for him were obviously now interfering with Kirk’s ability to command, and Spock would have to report him to Starfleet.

When Spock reached the transporter room, only moments later, he found that the first party had already beamed down. Scotty was still behind the control panel. “Mr. Scott, you will beam me to the same coordinates as the captain immediately," he said, as he stepped into place on the transporter pad.

“But the captain specifically said that only he and security were to be –”

“Mr. Scott,” Spock said, fixing him with a stony stare. “You have your orders. Energize.”

“Aye, sir,” Scotty said, a bit reluctantly, and the world around Spock disappeared.

*****

Spock re-materialized on the surface of Riidux in the middle of dense foliage and trees. The tense landing party was just a few feet away. The security team had phasers drawn, watching the forest warily and ringing Kirk in a circle. Kirk was speaking in a harsh, urgent whisper into his communicator.

“Uhura, contact the High Council immediately. Zorag gave us the wrong coordinates and we"re in the middle of some kind of forest. Get those correct coordinates and I"ll tell Scotty to beam us right back up.”

“Yes, sir, right away,” Nyota’s voice said, from Kirk’s communicator.

Kirk lowered the communicator to punch in a new code when he saw Spock and froze. “Spock! What are you doing? You’re not supposed to be here yet!”

“The duty of a first officer is to see to the captain’s safety.” Spock folded his arms over his chest. “You have behaved in an inexcusably irresponsible manner by allowing yourself to beam to the planet’s surface when its safety has not been ascertained, while attempting to protect my life by preventing me from doing the same. You realize, of course, that I will have to report this, because regardless of your feelings for me, it is not proper protocol for –”

“SPOCK!”

Spock"s world spun as Kirk dove at him, shoving Spock out of the way with a hard burst of force that knocked him clear off his feet. As Spock smashed face-down into the ground a few feet away, just managing to save his face from impact by catching himself on his hands, a loud snarl filled the air. Shouts erupted around him, and Spock quickly rolled on his back to look.

Where Spock had been split seconds earlier, and where Kirk should have been now, was an enormous beast with claws and fangs like a le-matya from Vulcan. Spock whipped out his phaser and aimed, but a security member beat him to it, scoring a direct hit to the creature’s back. It disappeared in a burst of light, revealing a bloody Kirk – who lay unnaturally still on the ground.

“Captain!” The security member, whom Spock recognized as the one Kirk called "Cupcake," ran to Kirk"s side. Spock could only stare. Kirk wasn’t moving, and there was blood – too much blood; vividly red, human blood – and Kirk still wasn’t moving, why wasn’t he moving -

At that moment, deep in Spock’s mind, he felt a barely perceivable twinge; a minute spasm; a sense that some tiny fissure had opened in an otherwise impenetrable wall.

Cupcake had his communicator open and was babbling frantically. “Scotty, you have to beam us up - the Captain"s out cold and bleeding – he pushed Mr. Spock out of the way and was mauled by some beast –”

Spock forced himself out of his paralysis. Cupcake was correct. The animal had lunged for Spock. Spock had not been paying attention, too busy threatening to report Jim to Starfleet for having inappropriate feelings. And in return, Jim - Jim had saved his life –

He quickly joined Cupcake at the captain"s side. Jim was unconscious; his head had probably taken a hard blow from a heavy paw when the animal attacked. The skin of his arm was shredded and covered in tooth marks, and his chest was scored with long scratches and bleeding claw wounds. Aware that he was experiencing a fear he could not control, Spock touched Jim’s neck, searching for a pulse.

It was the first time Spock had touched Jim since he’d tried to strangle him on the console. And in that moment, he was preternaturally aware, as he had been three months ago, of Jim’s soft, cool skin, of his delicate bones, of just how fragile this human really was. At the touch, an unfamiliar jolt shot up Spock’s arm, straight into his brain – but there was no time to analyze it now.

Jim had a pulse. But only just.

*****

They got Jim into sickbay, where a deathly white McCoy went to work, barking orders at his staff and stabbing Jim with hypo after hypo. Spock hovered on the edge of the action, trying to gauge the healing of the wounded human on the bed while avoiding McCoy’s attention.

The doctor’s eyes were too sharp. “Spock, get out!” McCoy snapped at him. “The last thing Jim needs is you here.”

“Doctor, I –”

“Have you no decency?” he snarled, whirling on Spock. “I’m not going to save him from a wild animal just to have him die of a broken heart! Go!”

Spock did not think he could leave, not with Jim looking so small and vulnerable on the biobed. “But –”

McCoy pointed at him angrily. “This is a place of healing. You will not hurt him in my sickbay. You are going to leave. Now.” He narrowed his eyes. “Besides, Commander, you have a ship to run. Logically, you should be on the bridge.”

The doctor was right. Spock knew he was right. He hesitated nonetheless. “You will heal him –?” he began, surprised to hear a note of desperation in his own voice.

“Of course I will. But I don’t know why you care. You’re only going to break him again.”

Spock’s eyes widened, but before he could respond McCoy turned his back on Spock to tend to Jim again.

Feeling somehow worse than ever, Spock left sickbay for the bridge.

*****

4. Conflicted

“Mr. Spock, I must again apologize – I assure you, Zorag has been fired and will not be rehired by anyone connected to the High Council – you must understand, we meant no harm to Captain Kirk, we hold him in great esteem - ”

Spock held up a hand to stop the torrent of apologies that had been streaming from the High Councilman of Riidux III for the past five minutes. “Councilor, we accept your assurances that you meant no harm. The captain is still in our sickbay. When he recovers, he will contact you. Spock out.”

Spock cut the link. It had been hours since Jim had been beamed, still bleeding and unconscious, aboard the ship. Spock had remained on the bridge as acting captain during that time, busy with an influx of messages from Riidux III and Starfleet. He’d had no chance to analyze his own strange reactions on the planet’s surface. That would require meditation, which would have to wait until he was off-duty.

As Spock bent over a PADD, he heard the turbolift doors swish open. Every head on the bridge snapped up in an uncontrolled display of human hope -

Including his own.

“Keptin!” Chekov exclaimed delightedly.

Jim.

The captain was standing just in front of the lift, biting his lip and looking just a little shy at the brilliant, relieved smiles that lit up the faces of the humans in the room. He was endearingly rumpled, with messy hair and a loose hospital shirt that didn"t quite hide the bandages on his chest. The arm that had been bitten was now wrapped in more white bandages and cradled against Jim’s chest in a sling.

Seeing Jim all bandaged up gave Spock a moment’s pause. “Are you certain you should be out of sickbay, Captain?”

Jim’s smile disappeared. “Bones knows I’m here." He clutched his arm closer to his chest, hunching in on himself. "I’m not breaking regulation.”

Sulu shot Spock a look that was just shy of insubordinate. “Don"t worry, the rest of us are just glad you"re alive," he said, turning back to Kirk.

Chekov nodded in agreement. “Yes, Keptin, ve vere so worried about you. Ve do not think you are breaking regulation by coming to bridge.”

Spock was drawn up short. “It was not my intention to imply that Captain Kirk was disobeying regulation," he said.

No one seemed to hear him.

He considered repeating himself, but decided against it. It would have been perfectly warranted for Spock to believe that Jim was violating regulation in this instance. Furthermore, considering how many times Spock had pointed out that Jim was not in line with regulation, it was a logical assumption for the crew to make from Spock"s words. Clarification of his intentions would be superfluous.

But as he took in Jim"s defensive posture and knew himself to be the cause of it, something in his mind twitched uncomfortably, and he had to check the urge to explain his words after all.

Jim tentatively smiled again – although at the others, not at Spock. “Uhura, please get me the High Councilman for Riidux III on screen.”

“Yes sir.” Nyota"s eyes were relieved and warm. “And welcome back.”

Spock immediately vacated the captain"s chair. Jim took his seat, perching on the edge so gingerly it made Spock wonder - with an inexplicable twisting in his gut - just how badly Jim was still bruised.

Moments later, the Councilman was back on the screen. “Captain Kirk! I am delighted to see you! I must again apologize – the mistake of an underling, unforgivable of course but he has been fired – you must accept our apologies.”

“Apology accepted, Councilor. Think no more of it.”

“So gracious! Nevertheless, please allow us to make amends."

Jim shifted slightly, but his face didn"t betray a hint of the pain Spock suspected he still suffered. "What did you have in mind?"

"The Council would like to invite your crew to our planet for shoreleave as our honored guests.”

“That is very kind.” Jim looked intrigued by the offer. The Enterprise had already been scheduled to stay in orbit for three days, and Starfleet would likely be willing to grant the needed extra time to show they bore Riidux no ill will. The crew would be extremely pleased to have a real break, especially on a tourist planet, and Spock knew how important it was to Jim that his crew was happy and well-rested.

As he expected, Jim gracefully accepted the invitation. He bade the High Councilman goodbye, and then gave instructions that arrangements be made to beam the crew down in shifts over the next couple of days.

When Jim then stood and headed across the bridge to the lift, Spock followed him.

As Spock entered the lift with him, Jim seized up. There was a tense moment in which Jim seemed to be waiting for Spock to leave and Spock did no such thing. Finally, Jim reached out and pressed the button for the deck with officers" quarters. Spock saw that his hand was trembling.

As the doors closed, leaving them alone, Spock spoke. “You have my gratitude for saving my life,” he said, somewhat stiffly.

Jim seemed embarrassed. “No big deal," he said, looking straight forward and not at Spock. "Are you, uh...going to send that report to Starfleet about me?”

“Report?” Spock suddenly remembered the report he had threatened to send. Even though the report would have been logical and warranted, he no longer had any desire to send it. In fact, in the face of Jim"s actions, his threat now seemed vaguely inappropriate. “No. No, I am not.”

Jim nodded slowly, fidgeting with his sling. “Great,” he said awkwardly. “Let’s just call it even and never talk about any of this again, okay?”

Spock did not think this was a logical course of action, nor did he think they were “even." He opened his mouth to say so, but the turbolift doors opened, and Jim darted out into the crowded corridor beyond like he couldn"t get away from Spock fast enough.

Spock stared after his retreating figure, uncertain as to why his throat suddenly felt tight.

*****

Spock, back on the bridge in the captain"s chair, stared at a PADD with the list of names assigned to the first shoreleave rotation on Riidux. The Council had insisted the captain beam down immediately and McCoy, predictably, was going with him.

In most circumstances Spock would have rejected the invitation for shore leave altogether. He would have remained in his preferred location, aboard the Enterprise, and engaged in lengthy meditation. It would have been logical, particularly as Nyota was not scheduled to take her leave until the final rotation. Yes, it was imminently logical to remain aboard.

He stared at the list of names, grouped by accommodation. The first room had three occupants assigned to it: Scott, Montgomery. McCoy, Leonard.

Kirk, James.

Spock stared at Jim"s name a moment more. And then he reached out, typed in his First Officer override code, and added his own name to the first rotation. One more override, this time using a anonymous code, and he watched as the room assignments were shuffled and re-distributed, and he was assigned to Scotty"s place in the same room as the captain and the doctor.

He stood up. "Mr. Sulu, you are in charge of the Enterprise for the next three days," he said, as he headed for the turbolift. "The Captain will relieve you when he returns from his leave."

Sulu"s head whipped around from where he"d been talking to Chekov. "Sir?"

"I am beaming to the surface with the first rotation."

Sulu looked like Spock had just recited poetry. "Are you - are you taking shore leave?"

Spock didn"t answer. Instead, he hit the button to close the turbolift doors. He had just enough time to catch an expression of confusion on Nyota"s face before the lift doors closed. She clearly didn"t understand what Spock was doing.

That made two of them.

*****

As Spock approached the transporter room, bag in hand, he overheard Jim and McCoy speaking in hushed tones.

"How the hell is that - that hobgoblin suddenly in our room? Last time I checked the damn roster, we were sharing with Scotty."

Jim"s answering whisper was very strained. "I have no idea how it happened."

"You need rest, dammit, and you sure as hell won"t get it with Spock around. Call the hotel and tell them to put him in his own room."

"I tried. They couldn"t find any space."

"Well then, boy genius, use your hacking skills."

"To do what? It"s high season; everything"s full," Jim said hollowly. "I"m not going to make a crew member give up their room so I can hide from my own First Officer."

"Jim - "

Spock quickly stepped inside, heading off any more ideas from McCoy. The humans were already standing on the transporter pad, and immediately fell silent at the sight of him. Spock stepped up on the transporter pad, heading for Jim"s right where he normally stood.

But McCoy shifted, and suddenly he was pointedly standing in-between Spock and Jim like a protective wall of human flesh. A frisson of something hot and unpleasant stabbed at Spock"s stomach, taking Spock by surprise.

An Ensign appeared in the doorway. "Ready to beam on your order, Captain," she said as she took her station, utterly oblivious to Spock"s mysterious internal turmoil.

Jim smiled, but it looked far from real. "Ready, Ensign. Energize."

*****

The hotel was a luxurious building, packed with a variety of species, Federation and non-Federation alike. It was evening on the planet and most of the guests were already quite loud, behaving in the rowdy, boisterous manner typical of vacationers.

The bellhop showed them to their room, which had a large window facing the city"s main street. It had three separate beds; one single and two in a bunk configuration. Jim and McCoy automatically headed for the bunk-bed, their attention on each other as if Spock wasn"t there.

“I’ll take top, because you know that’s how you want me,” Jim said, throwing his bag on the top bunk.

McCoy snorted. “Please, little boy. With your pretty face you’d be the girl, and don’t you go thinking otherwise.”

As often happened around humans, Spock did not understand what Kirk and McCoy were talking about. However, he did know that McCoy had just referred to Jim as attractive, and it sent that same hot, unpleasant jolt to his stomach that he"d felt on the transporter pad.

“Besides,” the doctor continued, “I distinctly heard Nurse Chapel say that you have the nicest ass in Starfleet.”

“Did she now?” Jim raised his eyebrow. “Do you think she’d like to see it up close and –”

“You keep your paws off my nurses.”

“The doctor is quite correct,” Spock cut in, surprised to hear a note of sharpness in his tone. “You have no business engaging in sexual relations with Starfleet nurses.”

Jim stiffened. McCoy looked towards Spock, expression deeply irritated, but Jim just stared fixedly at McCoy"s lower bunk, jaw set. He looked - hurt, Spock realized. And he experienced an unpleasant twinge at the knowledge that he’d somehow just hurt Jim’s feelings.

“Spock, it’s a joke,” McCoy snapped. “Jim’s a great catch, and anyone in the fleet would be lucky to have him. Not that you’d –”

“Bones.”

“Hmph.” McCoy turned away from Spock and back to his bags.

Spock set his own bag down on the single bed, unsure what about his words would have hurt Jim. He pulled out his communicator and headed for the hallway, thinking to check in with Nyota. As he exited the room, he heard McCoy whisper, “I don’t like it when he talks to you like that, not after what he said.”

Jim’s response was tired. “He already told me, straight to my face, that I"m not good enough for him because he thinks I’m a slut. Why should it matter if he says it again?”

“Jim –”

The door swung shut, but not before Spock finally understood why Jim had looked hurt. He palmed the communicator indecisively for a moment. His statement to Jim on the ship had been logical. Jim was promiscuous, and thus would not make as satisfactory a mate as Nyota. Spock"s words had been a simple declaration of fact, not some emotionally-laden judgment passed on Jim"s inclination towards frequent sexual encounters.

So why did remembering what he"d said make him want to apologize? Illogical.

Besides, his previous statement notwithstanding, Jim had misunderstood him tonight. He hadn’t intended to imply promiscuity on Jim’s part, not at all. On the contrary, he was simply uncomfortable with the notion that Jim might engage in intercourse with Christine Chapel.

Uncomfortable enough with the notion to cause his voice to sharpen.

Spock stared at the communicator in his hands, confused. Why? What logical explanation could there be for him to feel uncomfortable thinking about Jim and Chapel together in the first place? Jim could sleep with the entire Enterprise, and it was of no consequence to -

That white-hot burn seared his stomach again.

Spock forced it away. The Captain was recovering from serious injuries and should not be engaging in intercourse until his wounds were healed. As First Officer, Spock was responsible for Jim’s physical health and should take steps to discourage Jim from engaging in risky behavior. That was the logical explanation for his physical discomfort at the thought of Jim in the arms of -

He was going to stop thinking about it.

He opened the communicator, intending to contact Nyota. Then he hesitated. She was still on duty and unlikely to be free to talk. Beyond that, she would almost certainly want an explanation for why he had chosen to take shore leave - and why he hadn"t chosen to take it with her. This was a perfectly reasonable inquiry on her part.

He had no answer for her.

He stared at his communicator for a minute more, and then slipped it back onto his belt. Deciding he would wait to contact her for the time being, he turned and stepped back into the room.

The sight awaiting Spock arrested him in his tracks.

Jim was on his back on the lower bunk with McCoy leaning over him. His shirt was gone, his golden skin almost luminescent against the dark comforter of the bed. McCoy knelt on the bed with his hands on Jim"s chest, pressed against Jim"s bare body, gently exploring, touching –

The words were torn from Spock"s mouth before he could stop them. "Remove yourselves from each other at once."

McCoy turned in surprise, but Jim grabbed McCoy by the shoulders and moved him to the side so Jim could stand up. Still shirtless, eyes now blazing, he said angrily, "Don"t talk like that to Bones."

Spock"s eyes widened. Jim had never raised his voice at Spock before. Spock didn"t think he cared for it now. "But - "

“I wouldn"t throw him down for a quick fuck in the two seconds you"re gone from the room!" The defense of his friend was giving Jim more life than Spock had seen in months. "He’s my best friend and my fucking doctor, and he’s just checking to see if the claw wounds are healed."

Oh. What an astonishingly simple and reasonable explanation for their actions. "I - "

Spock"s words abandoned him as Jim moved deliberately between Spock and McCoy, his protective actions towards the doctor making Spock feel inexplicably and uncomfortably hot. "I know you think I’ll screw any thing at any time," Jim snapped, "but whatever shit you think about me, leave Bones out of it.”

No, Spock definitely did not like being yelled at by Jim. "I - "

“I don"t want to hear it,” Jim said dangerously. He turned back to the bed. His chest bandages and sling were gone, likely removed by McCoy. He still had bandages on one arm, but he moved the arm freely now. He grabbed a shirt out of McCoy’s duffle, and pulled it over his head. “Let’s get out of here, Bones.”

Spock watched silently as they left the room. He hadn’t been invited wherever they were going – no doubt because of the 51 invitations he’d already rejected, and the one time he’d made it quite clear he wanted nothing to do with Jim.

"For the record, accusing me of fucking a hot young thing like you is a compliment," he heard McCoy say, as the door swung shut.

Spock"s fists involuntarily clenched.

He sat down on the edge of his bed, harder than he"d planned to, and stared at his clenched fists. He was conflicted and needed to meditate, needed to clear his mind and purge his threatening emotions. But the hall outside their room was filled with the cheerful shouts of vacationers, and a cacophony of noise poured in from the main street through the window. The vast quantities of ambient noise from the night revelers made the possibility of satisfactory meditation less than 4.567%, and so it would have to wait until he was back on the Enterprise.

For now, he would have to accept that he was conflicted. But he didn’t like it. He also didn’t like that Jim had been hurt by his words, or that Jim had yelled at him, or that he hadn’t been invited to accompany Jim and the doctor.

Most strangely of all, he didn’t like the familiar way Jim had pulled on another man’s shirt.

*****

5. Abandoned

Jim and McCoy had not returned by the time Spock had forced himself to fall asleep. When he awoke three hours later, McCoy was sprawled out on his back on the bottom bunk, snoring.

The captain’s bed was empty.

Spock got to his feet to investigate. Jim"s bed was, in fact, still made, like it hadn"t yet been slept in. He narrowed his eyes slightly and turned his attention to the bottom bunk. “Doctor McCoy, where is the captain?”

“Nhaaa,” McCoy mumbled, his head lolling on the pillow.

“DOCTOR MCCOY.”

McCoy’s eyes shot open. “What? For chrissake, Spock, humans need their sleep.”

Spock forced himself not to feel panic over Jim"s absence. “Where is the captain?” he repeated insistently.

“None of your damn business.”

“On the contrary, doctor, the captain’s safety is most certainly my business, so if you could –”

“Really?” McCoy snorted. “Physical safety, right? Not emotional?”

“My answer, please.”

“He’s perfectly safe. I’m meeting him in that restaurant in the lobby for breakfast. Alright? Now scram.” And McCoy rolled on his side, towards the wall and away from Spock.

Spock didn’t care for McCoy, but he knew McCoy cared deeply - too deeply, said a voice in his head – for the captain, and if he felt that Jim was safe, then Jim probably was safe. Spock would have preferred to know Jim"s location for himself, but it was pointless to argue further with the doctor.

He left the room to get his own breakfast. He decided to go to the hotel lobby, where a large restaurant provided food and drink to hotel patrons. It was the only restaurant in the hotel, and if it happened to be the same restaurant where McCoy had said he was planning to meet Jim, that was obviously not Spock"s fault.

He obtained a tiny, unobtrusive table in the very back with an excellent view of the restaurant doors. He ordered tea and fruit, which were brought to him promptly, and then he settled back to watch the doors. He would remain here until he ascertained Jim"s safety with his own eyes. It was his duty as First Officer.

Very shortly, McCoy came in, his cheeks stubbly and looking bleary-eyed and still half-asleep. Spock quickly ducked, pretending to dig for something in his shoulder bag while hiding his face from the doctor. McCoy staggered over to a table, one not far from Spock but out-of-view, on the other side of a half-wall. Spock was certain he hadn"t been seen. Listening closely, he heard a waiter approach the table and McCoy place breakfast orders for two people.

Moments after McCoy had ordered, Jim walked through the doors.

Spock felt something inside him clench. Jim looked a bit rough-and-tumble, hair disheveled and still dressed in McCoy’s short-sleeved shirt, which was tighter than Jim’s Starfleet tops and in the morning light revealed the muscles of his chest, shoulders and upper arms. But the light also showed Jim"s missing weight, his bandaged arm, and the dark circles beneath eyes that still weren"t blue enough. A funny itch started in Spock"s hands, as if they wanted to smooth Jim"s hair or touch his cheek.

Humans, in general, were considered a desirable species by many aliens. Jim was an incredibly striking human. Spock had always known these two things in a logical, detached manner, as he might know the name of a planet or catalog a set of stars. But at the moment, there was nothing logical or detached about the way he was observing Jim. He was currently acutely aware of just how remarkably handsome Jim was -

And disturbingly aware that he was far from the only being in the room to find Jim so. No fewer than thirteen restaurant patrons were also admiring Jim"s physical form. Spock firmly added this to his mental list of things he didn’t like. Because - because as First Officer, anyone who looked at Jim for too long was a threat to his captain. Yes. Spock could accept that explanation.

"Hey honey, you need a table?" An attractive waitress was suddenly quite close to Jim.

"I"m meeting someone, actually," Jim said, with a charming half-smile.

"Meeting someone, or just met someone?" The waitress asked playfully.

Spock felt his entire body tense.

"Dammit Jim." McCoy"s loud voice cut through the room. "Quit flirting and get your too-pretty ass over here before I starve."

Jim broke into a small grin. "And that"s my date," he said apologetically to the waitress, and moved toward McCoy. Spock ducked his head again, but he needn"t have bothered; Jim"s attention was completely fixed on McCoy, and he disappeared behind the half-wall in seconds.

"You"re an angel on three hours of sleep, truly," Jim said, accompanied by the scraping sound of a chair moving. His teasing comment was full of affection. Spock had never heard him talk like that to anyone but McCoy.

"You"re angel enough for both of us." McCoy sounded grumpy and sleepy. "The mere mortals can"t stop eye-fucking you over their breakfasts."

"My, we are blasphemous for a good Southern boy."

“You"re gonna regret that sass when you find out how much you should love me.”

“More than I already do? Now how would that be possible?”

“Because I found something here that’s just like Earth coffee and ordered you two cups.”

“Bones, I could fucking kiss you!" Jim was delighted. "Hell, I’d suck your dick right now, if you wanted.”

The fingers on Spock"s tea cup tightened so quickly he had to force himself to let go before he cracked the china.

“I would have thought you’d have used up all your oral skills last night.”

“Mmm, there is that," Jim admitted in a voice that sounded fraught with hidden meaning.

Spock was baffled by the exchange. What did oral skills mean? Was McCoy was referring to Jim’s ability to speak eloquently when necessary? But how could such a skill be used up?

“So who was she?” McCoy asked eagerly.

"The Orion.”

“JIM!”

“What? I got a thing for ‘em." Jim added bitterly, "Maybe I just like green.”

McCoy did not sound impressed. “Jim, Orions are dangerous.”

“Good.”

“Jim –”

"Are you finished, sir?"

Spock looked up to see his own waiter standing politely over him and his empty dishes, and past the waiter, the crowd of patrons waiting for tables beyond. Not wanting to draw attention to himself by lingering, he reluctantly left.

*****

Spock spent the day alone, at the city’s museum, which had a fascinating exhibit on Riidux III’s early space travels. The quiet solitude of the museum gave him time to, if not meditate, at least think. And as he stared without seeing at a picture of Riidux III’s four moons, all he could think about was Jim.

His thoughts were not proud ones. He was beginning to realize that it might be pleasant to have the captain as a part of his life, and even more so to be Jim’s friend. But when he reviewed his actions since the Enterprise began its voyage, he knew he had so thoroughly rejected any overtures of friendship or kindness from Jim that a friendship might now be impossible.

No. I am a Vulcan. I do not need friends. I am, as humans put it, not interested in you.

Spock’s throat tightened as he remembered his words. At the time, it had seemed logical to put a stop to any romantic overtures. Now, however, his words seemed unnecessarily harsh. Hurtful, even. And then so soon after, in the forest -

Jim is unconscious, and there"s blood, too much blood; vividly red, human blood -

Spock swallowed, mind assaulted by the scene of Jim wounded on the forest floor. He quickly tried to banish the image by refocusing on the picture of the moons, but it was no use. The memory of the fear he"d felt when Jim nearly died would not stay buried.

The skin of his arm is shredded and covered in tooth marks; his chest is scored with long scratches and bleeding claw wounds; his pulse is nearly gone; he"s dying -

Spock realized he was trembling all over. It took a great deal of effort to stop.

For dinner, he returned to the hotel restaurant. As he walked in, his attention was immediately drawn, without conscious effort on his part, to Jim, seated with McCoy at a table. Jim no longer had the bandages on his arm, and, thankfully, had changed out of the doctor"s shirt.

Spock was flooded with a sudden yearning to be in Jim"s presence. He wanted to be physically near Jim; to be reassured that he was unharmed, to hear his voice. Knowing that his own presence might be very unwelcome - and unable to fault Jim for that at all - he approached the table cautiously.

As politely as he could, he asked, “If you are about to commence with your evening meal, would it be permissible for me to join you?”

The two humans turned in surprise. At the sight of Spock, McCoy"s expression became openly hostile. "You got some nerve - "

"Please," Spock said quietly. He wasn"t entirely certain he could bear to be turned away.

Jim looked like he was considering running away again to anywhere that was far away from Spock. But then he bit his lip, took a steadying breath, and said, “Sure. We haven’t even ordered yet.”

McCoy turned to him. “Jim, you don"t have to -”

“It"s hardly fair to the Enterprise if her captain can"t share a meal with his own First Officer.” Jim didn"t quite meet Spock"s eyes as he gestured to the empty chair. “Have a seat.”

Letting out a breath he hadn"t realized he was holding, Spock took the seat across the table from Jim.

"So," Jim said to McCoy, with a forced sort of normalcy, "anything exciting going on in Medical?"

With one last huff, McCoy took Jim"s not-so-subtle cue and began to talk.

The conversation stayed focused on Enterprise business, and McCoy and Jim did nearly all of the talking. Spock was content to simply share Jim"s table and quietly eat. He could not have explained it, but Jim"s presence was soothing, like warm sun after the cold of space. He was uncomfortably aware, however, that Jim still looked troublingly unwell and even now had barely touched the food on his plate.

When Spock caught himself stealthily pushing a basket of breads in Jim"s direction, hoping to see Jim eat, he realized he was upset by Jim"s condition - and even more upset at himself for having done nothing to address it.

The doctor was correct. As First Officer it is my duty to see to the captain’s health. Spock felt a jab of shame that he"d allowed the captain to get so sick, resolving to begin research into the captain’s condition the instant he was back on the Enterprise.

To Spock"s disappointment, Jim didn"t eat anything from the bread basket. Instead, he toyed with his barely-used fork for a moment. "So Fleet"s just announced these new supercomputers, and I was thinking about trying to get one for the main science lab." He hesitated. "Did you - do you have an opinion on that, Spock?"

His tone was unmistakably wary, like Spock was a feral animal only pretending to be tame, whom Jim expected would turn on him and strike another emotional blow at any time. Spock had to accept this was, perhaps, a logical way for Jim to act with him. It did not mean he was proud that he had reduced Jim to behaving in such a manner.

Jim"s discomfort with him was particularly noticeable in contrast to the relaxed manner with which Jim treated McCoy, whom he clearly adored. Spock was beginning to understand why the Enterprise had the best, most high-tech and up-to-date medical bay in the fleet, why McCoy could say anything to Jim and never face the captain’s reprimand, and why Jim insisted that valuable Enterprise storage space be used for crates of Georgia peaches.

McCoy had been there for Jim throughout Jim"s illness and had Jim"s affection in return. Thinking about his own excluded position in opposition to the doctor"s valued place in Jim"s life made Spock"s stomach burn with that strange, white-hot searing again. And this time, the heat would not be suppressed. Instead, it spread up to his chest and face, making his skin prickly with heat.

He opened his mouth to answer, and Jim subtly cringed, obviously expecting Spock"s words to hurt. The movement jabbed at Spock like the sharp cut of a knife. Unhappy at the knowledge that Jim expected pain from him, he tried to make his tone as respectful as he knew how. "I will defer to your no-doubt well-reasoned decision," he said. Then he pursed his lips, wondering if it was really necessary for Jim and McCoy to stare at him in such bewilderment.

As they were finishing their meals, McCoy nudged Jim. “Looks like you made an impression.”

Jim looked up. So did Spock. As he followed Jim’s gaze, he realized that Jim was looking at an Orion girl seated at the bar. The girl was positively stunning, with raven curls tumbling half-way down her back and vivid green skin. She was staring intently at Jim, and seeing that she had his attention, she winked at him.

Jim smiled, and blew a kiss back at her.

I would have thought you’d have used up all your oral skills last night.

Mmm, there is that.

So who was she?

The Orion.

And as that white-hot spark flared into a fire that threatened to burn him, Spock suddenly understood the conversation he’d overheard at breakfast.

“You had intercourse with that Orion female?”

Jim and McCoy turned shocked faces on Spock. Spock ignored their surprise. He had stood involuntarily, his entire body trembling, and suddenly he knew - he knew - what the raging fire boiling his blood was.

Jealousy.

“Spock, what in heaven are you – "

But Jim interrupted McCoy. He also stood, and met Spock’s angry gaze with his own angrier one. “How dare you," he said. "My sex life is absolutely none of your business. You made sure of that.”

Jim"s words struck like a punch to Spock"s stomach. “Jim – ”

“No,” Jim said harshly. “I don’t care what you think of me anymore. And I don"t need your permission.”

He shoved his chair to the side and stormed off. At the restaurant door, he paused and looked back at the Orion girl questioningly. She was at his side so fast it looked like she’d teleported. They left together.

Spock lunged to follow, but McCoy grabbed his arm with both hands. “You"re not going after him.”

“Let me go, doctor, or I will hurt you.”

“The hell you will! Jim is a grown man. He is free to sleep with whoever he wants, whether you approve of it or not.”

“But – ”

McCoy yanked on his arm, forcing Spock to turn and face him. “You gave up any right to care about his sex life when you told him you couldn’t even be bothered to be his friend.”

That hurt. It hurt even more when Spock realized that McCoy had made a logical point, one Spock couldn’t argue with. Defeated, he let the doctor pull him down into his seat. He was still trembling.

He stared at his hands for a moment, willing them to stop shaking. When he was unable to control the tremors, he pressed his palms together. “Orions are feral and dangerous.”

“You think I don’t know that?” McCoy snapped, picking up Jim’s half-full glass of brandy and helping himself to the last of it. “But seems like Jim wants that kind of sex. I wonder why.”

Spock looked up, recognizing McCoy"s words as sarcasm. “You are implying that Jim seeks an ill-advised sexual encounter because he remains affected by my rejection?”

“You’re damn right I am.”

"He would truly do such a thing?"

"He already did." McCoy glared at him over the glass. "Last night, same girl."

Jealousy flared again, mixed with the uncomfortable nausea of guilt. Spock pressed his palms together harder and brought them to his mouth. He tried very hard not to think about Jim with an Orion girl. He tried even harder not to think of Jim with an Orion girl in an attempt to deal with a hurt caused by Spock. “Perhaps you could stop him?”

“Oh, go soak your head.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Stop pretending you care about what happens to Jim! Hell if I know what your problem is, maybe the Enterprise crew is your harem and you don’t like some other alien touching one of your humans. But you’ll go right back to ignoring him when we’re back on the ship, so let him be while he’s on the planet.”

“I –”

“Leave him alone.” McCoy’s voice was threatening, so incongruous with his southern drawl. “I’ll take care of him. You leave him the hell alone or I’ll see you off the ship.”

“How?”

“Medical reasons. Because your presence emotionally distresses the captain. Don’t act like you don’t know it’s true.”

Spock considered this. He had no doubt that McCoy would do what he threatened – McCoy took Jim’s health quite seriously. Spock tried to feel grateful, as a First Officer, that the captain had a protective best friend like McCoy.

He failed. Miserably. He didn"t know how to deal with any of the emotions currently flooding him - unhappiness that Jim liked McCoy better, anger that other aliens desired Jim, distress that Jim was having sex with an Orion. And beyond the unfamiliar emotions in his blood, he had no clue how to deal with the knowledge that he was, apparently, the jealous type.

*****

“Bones. Bonesy-Bonesy-Bonesy. I love you.”

Spock cracked open an eye as the door to their hotel room opened. Three of Riidux III’s four moons were waxing nearly full that night, and their combined luminescence gave Spock plenty of light to see by.

McCoy half-dragged, half-carried Jim through the doorway and into the room. Jim was completely disheveled, his shirt on backwards, his shoes untied, his hair sticking straight up. Spock could make out a plethora of darkened bruises dotting his neck. Jim clung to McCoy"s shoulders like a lifeline and obviously couldn"t have walked without McCoy"s support.

He was a mess. Drugged with a mix of alcohol and potent Orion pheromones – a dangerous, self-destructive combination. It took every ounce of control Spock had to fight the urge that wanted him to take Jim out of McCoy’s arms and into his own. He should have been the one to comfort Jim -

But it was because of him that Jim was in this state. So instead, he lay still and feigned sleep.

“Yeah, back at you, kid. Now keep it down or you’ll wake that green-blooded asshole in the other bed.”

Please. As if Spock had slept even one minute, thinking about Jim and the Orion.

“Whosher green blood?” Jim’s voice was thick and inarticulate, like his tongue was swollen.

“I meant Spock.”

“Spock,” Jim repeated, with longing. “Spock.”

“Jim darlin’, not so loud.” McCoy got them both over to the bottom bunk and sat, pulling Jim down with him. “Look at you,” he scolded gently. “You ever pull a stunt this stupid again, I’ll spank you. Drunk as hell, hopped up on Orion phermones –”

“I love ‘Rions. Make you for-forget.”

“I bet that sounded good to you tonight.”

“Yeah.” Jim leaned on McCoy’s shoulder heavily, his face in McCoy’s neck. “Mmm. You smell good.”

“I should. It’s your cologne.”

Jim sniffed. “Girls love it.” He made another snuffling noise. “Girls love me. Why not Spock?”

“Aww, Jimmy, I don’t know.”

"I’m so lonely, Bones.”

The naked vulnerability in Jim’s voice caused physical pain in Spock. Judging from the way McCoy clutched Jim more closely, it hurt McCoy, too. Spock watched through half-lidded eyes as the doctor cradled the back of Jim’s head in one hand.

“You must be drunk to admit something like that,” he said gently, lying back and tugging Jim down to the mattress with him. "Come on, come here." McCoy shifted Jim’s head to his chest. “Tell me about it, darlin’.”

Jim took a shuddery breath. “It’s like – it’s like somethin’s dying in me,” he whispered, his voice muffled by McCoy’s shirt but clear to Spock’s sharp Vulcan ears. “It’s in my heart. And in my head. I don’t know what it is, but it needs Spock or it’s gonna die.”

“Your feelings aren’t alive, sugar.” McCoy’s sleepy southern drawl was the strongest Spock had ever heard it. “Even if it feels like it sometimes.” Spock watched as McCoy pressed a kiss to Jim’s hair. His hands tightened into fists reflexively. He had to force himself to unclench them.

“Mine are. Except – they’re dying. It’s dying, cause Spock abandoned it. It’s too lonely to live anymore. I try so hard to keep it alive, but Spock doesn’t want me and he’s killing this thing inside me.” Jim made a choked noise. “I love him, Bones, I love him so much –”

Spock"s eyes widened in surprise at Jim"s words - and then narrowed as McCoy immediately gathered Jim close. “Hey, hey now, shhh.” McCoy stroked Jim"s hair. “Shh, darlin’, it’s okay...”

Spock listened and watched as McCoy soothed Jim"s drunken distress with the gentle touches and quiet words of reassurance that should have been his. He could hardly bear to watch them, but he couldn’t look away, because if he looked away, he wouldn’t be able to keep seeing that what they were doing were still the innocent gestures of friends.

He lay awake for hours after Jim and McCoy had fallen asleep, Jim’s words and his own unfamiliar emotions haunting him.

*****

6. Parented

When Spock rose, after a scant hour of sleep, the sun had only just broken the horizon, its pale light illuminating the room. McCoy and Jim were still together on the bottom bunk, Jim cradled to McCoy’s chest. In sleep, Jim looked young, innocent, and impossibly sweet – but he was curled up in the arms of another man and Spock had to look away before he physically pulled them apart.

He left the hotel for the city streets, joined only by a few other early-rising tourists and undisturbed in his aimless roaming. By late morning, however, the crowds had picked up, and Spock sought shelter from their noise in an aquarium.

Vulcan had not had aquariums. The displays of fish and aquatic life were endlessly fascinating to one raised on a desert planet, and they provided a much-needed distraction from his own inner turmoil. Spock spent several hours in that building before finally returning to the hotel.

As he entered the lobby, a hotel employee approached him. “Excuse me, but are you Commander Spock of the U.S.S. Enterprise, son of Ambassador Sarek?”

“I am.”

“Your father has been trying to contact you today. Would you please accompany me to our office, sir?”

Spock followed the Riiduxan to the business offices of the hotel. The Riiduxan then bowed briefly and left Spock in private. The viewscreen flickered to life and Sarek appeared before Spock.

They exchanged greetings, and then Sarek got straight to the point. “Spock. It is fortunate that I have reached you. It has become necessary that I inquire after your health.”

“My health is more than adequate. I would have had you informed if it had been otherwise.”

“Then you are not experiencing mental distress?”

“Should I be?”

“In the past three months 1,267 of the remaining Vulcans have experienced emotional sickness as a result of their broken bonds. Their mental shields simply cannot be sustained in the face of such overwhelming loss. The loss of bondmates on top of familial bonds has caused depression, insanity, and attempted suicide.” Sarek scrutinized him. “I did not know if you were aware of this phenomenon on board the Enterprise, and that you are likely to be vulnerable.”

Spock shook his head. “I am not affected. T’Pring and I were not close. Her loss does not affect me on a personal level, and my shields are holding.”

“You have checked? You have not seen a healer in years, Spock. You are a young Vulcan, and have only just lost your mother. You are a prime candidate for shield collapse and the accompanying sickness.”

“I have not recently examined my shields, but I have not experienced mental distress. On the contrary, I have been experiencing its opposite.” At his father’s prompting, Spock went on to describe his increased mental health over the past three months - leaving out the emotional turmoil the last two days had brought.

Sarek considered Spock’s words for several moments, and then he finally said, “You are telsu.”

“No, Father,” Spock said, concealing his surprise. “I am not bonded. T’Pring is dead.”

“A bond is the only logical explanation. There are no records of an unbonded Vulcan with the mental health of which you speak. It is an impossible feat. We are a telepathic species who require a mental connection for optimal health.” Sarek dryly added, “May I offer my congratulations? I do hope you plan on introducing your bondmate to your father.”

Spock was too rattled to return his father’s dry wit. “I have not taken a bondmate," he insisted.

“Then you have formed a bond without your knowledge.”

“I do not see how.”

“It is a rare occurrence but by no means unheard of. Had you met a perfect mate, for example, your mind would have immediately sought to make that connection, with or without your conscious effort.” Sarek looked at him speculatively. “You would not have been able to control it - nor to even know your mind had created a bond - if you had telepathic shields in place.”

Spock shook his head. “I have been on the Enterprise since T’Pring’s death. For me to be bonded would require that my bondmate be on board and be a human.”

“Is that so difficult to believe? You are half-human, and there are many fine humans aboard the Enterprise. Your captain, for example - ”

Spock raised an eyebrow.

“Your captain is an inordinately intelligent and brave human. Vulcan owes him a great debt. One that was not well repaid by marooning him on Delta Vega.”

It was the closest to a reprimand Spock had received from his father in years. Outwardly Spock did not react but it stung nonetheless.

Sarek continued. "Spock, your telepathic shields would have prevented you from knowing of the bond’s existence, but your bondmate would certainly feel it. They would have been irresistibly drawn to you with their very soul. Has no one sought you these past three months? Not one aboard the Enterprise has tried to win your affection?”

Once-bright blue eyes, now blood-shot and dulled, sprang immediately to Spock’s mind.

I love him, Bones, I love him so much –

“There has been one,” Spock reluctantly admitted, his throat strangely tight. “I rejected his advances.”

“Rejected?” And Spock had to forcibly quell a sense of dread, because the idea of Spock’s rejection had horrified his father enough that a trace of emotion slipped into his voice. “You rejected him? Has he taken ill?”

The dread would not be contained; it spilled over into Spock’s mind. No, he thought, with rising terror. No – it can’t be – I can’t have–

"Why would he take ill?" he asked, trying desperately to keep his self-control.

“To be rejected by your bondmate is unthinkable, Spock. It could destroy the bond itself, and drive a Vulcan to madness and suicide. And imagine the suffering of a human, who has no telepathy to see the bond or even know of its existence. They would not understand what had been done to their mind. The repercussions such rejection could have on the delicate human psyche – it could break their mind, perhaps even kill – ”

“I must go,” Spock said, abruptly standing. “Immediately. I will contact you later.”

His father nodded, and raised one hand. “Live long and –”

But Spock had already left.

*****

As he crossed the lobby, Spock was trembling again. Was it possible that he had taken James Kirk as a bondmate, bonding the human to him without the human’s knowledge or consent? Only to shield himself from Jim completely, to cut Jim off, to reject him, to leave Jim and his psi-null mind helpless, with an abandoned, fledgling bond –

It’s like somethin’s dying in me. It’s in my heart. And my head. I don’t know what it is, but it needs Spock or it’s gonna die -

A bout of nausea hit Spock, so strong that he stumbled and had to put out a hand and catch himself on the hotel wall. Jim’s words from last night, how sick Jim looked, the darkness beneath his eyes, the weight loss, the pallor of his skin – all of it suddenly took on the potential for a terrible new meaning. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the wall, waiting for the sickness to pass.

He might have wronged Jim beyond forgiveness.

He needed to meditate. Immediately. The shields in his mind had to come down. It was true that if he wasn’t bonded to Jim, he was risking exposing himself to his broken mind link with T’Pring and to depression, emotional sickness and madness.

It was a risk he would have to take.

When he could walk again, he headed straight for the turbolift. He went to the hotel room he shared with Jim and McCoy, who were thankfully not present. It was still too much too loud, but it would have to do. He could not wait another minute.

He shut the window and the curtains, drowning out some of the noise of the street. He increased the temperature of the room to 48.6 degrees Celsius. He lit incense and sat cross-legged on his bed. Then he closed his eyes and let himself sink into meditation.

Spock stands in front of his shields, where he has built formidable mental walls between himself and the broken bond with T’Pring. In the center of the shields there is a crack, and from this crack pours the most amazing sense of golden light. Its allure draws him like a moth to flame. And behind the wall, something is trying desperately to reach him, pleading with him to rip down the wall, begging him to set it free.

With a single mental command, the shields collapse –

And Spock –

Falls in love.

*****

*****

7. Sensed

Kirk and Bones had just stepped into the hotel lobby when Kirk was hit by a rush of adoration/devotion/affection/love that barreled into his mind like a starship at Warp 8 and smacked right on into his heart.

He cursed in surprise, stumbled and would have fallen if Bones hadn’t grabbed him.

“Jim!”

Kirk used Bones’s arm to steady himself, and then straightened up. “It’s alright,” he said, letting go of Bones and taking another step. “I’m fi– shit,” he swore, as he was slammed by another barrage of feelings, this time guilt/shame/self-loathing/remorse.

He faltered but Bones was right there to catch him.

“You’re gonna sit your ass down. NOW.”

“But –”

“Doctor’s orders. Take your but and sit it in a chair.” Bones tugged him relentlessly towards a couch against the wall of the lobby. Ignoring the curious glances, Bones sat them both down and pulled out his tricorder.

Kirk leaned forward and rested his head on his hand, feeling dizzy. Unexplained emotions - that he was pretty sure weren"t his - were swirling in his blood.

Bones started scanning him. “Don"t bother, it"s not worth it,” Kirk said, batting at him with his free hand.

“Quiet, brat." Bones grabbed Kirk’s hand and pinned it to the couch, then continued with his scanning.

“Bossy bastard,” Kirk muttered. But he let Bones scan him without further complaint. It was a familiar pattern, one they"d fallen into at the Academy: Bones would attempt to care for him, Kirk would protest that his efforts were wasted on him, and then Bones would promptly scold him into submission, leaving a subdued Kirk confused and defenseless against a person who actually cared whether he lived or died.

Bones looked at the tricorder and shook his head. “Readings all over the damn place. With two nights’ worth of alcohol and Orion pheromones in you, it’s a right miracle you can stand.”

“It’s not the pheromones.”

“Then what is it?”

“I don’t kn -” Kirk froze, as inside his mind he suddenly wasn"t alone. “Bones,” he whispered, eyes going wide. “Bones, there’s something in my head.”

“What?”

“I swear. It’s - it’s - wait.” Kirk blinked. With an aching twist of his stomach, he recognized the presence. “I think it’s Spock.”

Bones’s eyes widened. “Spock?" he repeated. "That goddamn telepath – what’s he – ”

“I don’t think he knows that I can feel him. He’s concentrating really hard.” Kirk closed his eyes, the alien presence of Spock in his mind painfully tempting. “He’s looking for something.”

"In your head?"

"Yes."

“How do you know?”

Kirk shook his head. “I don"t know. I just do.”

“Well, what the hell is he looking for in your head?”

“No idea," Kirk whispered, eyes still closed. After all these weeks of longing and profound separation, to feel Spock"s thoughts against his own was torture. "He’s worried, though.”

Bones scoffed. “That stone cold bastard never worries.”

"He’s worried now." Kirk winced as Spock"s pain shot through him. "And guilty – oh my God, he feels guilty as sin, it’s awful. He’s burning up with it, like penance. He’s – oh - ”

The most horrible feeling of grief flooded Kirk’s senses, powerful enough to take his breath away. He doubled over involuntarily.

Bones grabbed his upper arms. “Jim! Stay with me. Talk to me.”

Kirk forced himself to open his eyes and meet his friend’s worried stare. “He found it,” he whispered. Spock’s heartache was nearly overwhelming him. His eyes fluttered shut again, his body weakening under the onslaught of Spock’s powerful unchained Vulcan emotions.

Bones tightened his hold on Kirk’s arms. “Found what?”

“It.” Kirk took a gasping breath, his consciousness fleeing as he sank into his own mind, losing awareness of Bones’s strength keeping him upright. “He thinks he’s too late. It’s - Spock - ”

It cannot be too late. Please. I cannot lose him.

“Jim!”

Kirk distantly heard Bones yell his name, but Kirk’s world had gone dark as the alien presence drew him deep into an extraordinary dual awareness. A familiar, yearned-for voice was inside him and surrounding him all at once. He swore he could feel Spock’s touch; that his entire body was being cradled in the palm of Spock’s hand.

I am here now and I will not abandon him again. Please, let it not be too late. There was real fright in Spock"s voice. Please, I - I need him.

For a moment, the world was still.

And then Kirk’s mind suddenly exploded in a thousand points of light. A wave of euphoria, Spock’s euphoria, crashed over him; mixed with something else, some new and wonderful sensation that flooded Kirk’s senses and resonated in his soul.

Never alone again, t"nash-veh telsu, taluhk nash-veh k"dular -

Spock slipped into Vulcan in Kirk"s mind, the unfamiliar sounds gentle and adoring, like Spock was speaking to something tiny and infinitely precious. His affection blossomed around Kirk like a warm blanket.

“Jim –”

Kirk let the words and the sensations wash over him like the heat of Vulcan after the barren cold of Delta Vega.

“Jim –!”

Who knew Spock could sound like this? Devoted, fond, protective –

“JIM!”

Kirk snapped back into reality, eyes flying open to find frantic hazel eyes staring into his own. Then another rush of dizziness hit him, and he had to close his eyes again. “You don’t have to shout,” he finally murmured, unable to resist cracking open one eye to see Bones’s reaction to his sass.

Bones’s expression became murderous. “The grey hairs on my head? You see them? Your fault. Every. Damn. One.”

“Mmmm.” Kirk tilted his head to the side to rest it against the back of the hotel couch, the fabric cool and silky against his flushed face. “You say the sweetest things.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Spock gone yet?”

Kirk hesitated. “My head’s fine now.”

It wasn’t, strictly speaking, a lie. But it wasn"t really truthful either, because Spock was definitely still there. Kirk could hear the faint murmuring of Vulcan at the back of the mind and could still feel Spock’s presence. But something made him feel that he should talk about it with Spock before he spoke with anyone else about whatever the hell had just happened.

He couldn’t help but wonder what exactly Spock was talking to in his head. A couple months ago, he would have given anything to believe that it was him that Spock was talking to. Now, however, he simply knew better: whatever Spock was so enamored with inside his mind, it was foreign. Maybe it was a by-product of proximity and telepathy, or some kind of Vulcan thing, but whatever it was, it had nothing to do with James Kirk.

He didn’t even hope. There would be no point. He’d been forced to accept that it was hopeless to long for Spock, and he’d be damned if he was going to rip that wound open just because he’d heard Spock coo at something in his head.

*****

"You’re sure, Jim?”

Kirk leaned forward on the bar, and signaled to the bartender to bring Bones another beer. He himself was abstaining for now, until the dizziness from Spock’s whatever-it-was went away. Spock wasn’t gone, exactly, but he had stopped speaking Vulcan in Kirk’s head. Now, it was more just a faint presence at the back of Kirk’s own thoughts.

“Course I’m sure. I’m completely recovered. I want to stick to our original plan of picking up girls.”

Bones still looked concerned. “No Orions though, alright? For your doctor’s sake? Spare me another heart attack and rescue mission?”

Kirk clapped him on the shoulder with genuine fondness. “I don’t deserve you,” he said honestly. Before Bones could protest, he said, “So who do you like in here?”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Picking up girls is your thing, not mine,” he said gruffly, although Kirk caught the way his eyes darted hopefully around the hotel restaurant and bar.

Poor Bones, he mused. Kirk-sitting has worn him out. “Come on, Bones. Which one?”

Bones looked away, embarrassed. “Well, if you must know, I think that brunette to your left is pretty.”

“The Argelian?” When Bones nodded, Kirk cracked his knuckles dramatically. “Sit tight and watch your Uncle Jim work his magic. Just like we used to do at the Academy.”

As Bones followed him, sputtering indignantly, Kirk walked straight up to the attractive Argelian. “I’m James T. Kirk,” he said grandly.

The brunette sized him up. She broke into a pretty smile. “And is James T. Kirk single?” she asked hopefully.

Kirk shook his head. “In a serious relationship with a beautiful lady named Enterprise. But my friend here...”

Bones scowled.

“This is Dr. Leonard McCoy.”

The Argelian seemed mildly interested. “A doctor?”

“That’s right. With a surgeon’s skilled and steady hands and an unsurpassed knowledge of humanoid bodies of all kinds.”

Bones hmphed irritably but didn’t correct him. Her mild interest seemed to escalate. “Really?”

“Oh yeah. Of course he’d never brag about it, being such a true southern gentleman.”

“What"s a southern gentleman?”

Kirk nodded and whispered to her so Bones couldn’t hear. “Means he’s got perfect manners and a killer accent.”

“Jim darlin’, just what kind of tall tales are you tellin’ this young lady?” Bones’s sarcasm only made his Southern drawl more noticeable. Scowly and accented – yeah, even Kirk found his best friend sexy like this.

The Argelian’s eyes widened. She grabbed Bones’s hand. “Come buy me a drink,” she said, tugging him towards the door. “I know a place we can go that’s more private.”

“Is that right? And where would that be?” Kirk heard, as Bones let himself be dragged off by the pretty little thing.

“My room.”

Kirk caught his friend’s wide eyes and flashed him a thumbs-up as Bones disappeared through the door. He then went about getting himself a small table at the back of the restaurant where he could try to relax and figure out what the hell his first officer was – literally – doing in his head.

*****

8. Claimed

As he sat at his tiny table in the intimate back corner of the hotel restaurant, Kirk felt the lingering effects of the past two days’ indulgences, not to mention whatever the hell Spock had done in his mind. Still though, despite some light-headedness, he felt - good. Stronger, more like his old self on Earth. And he was also hungry.

No - starving.

He took a chance and ordered a big dinner, hoping the hunger would last. He hadn’t had any real appetite for weeks. But to his delight, when his food came his appetite did not disappear.

He"d wolfed down nearly all his food by the time he heard the voice.

“This seat taken?”

Kirk looked up to see a striking Andorian female standing next to his table, motioning to the chair across from him. Her blue skin and white hair were enticingly alien and the look on her face left no doubts as to her interest. Kirk wasn’t sure if he was interested in anything other than the last of his dinner, but he was flattered by her regard and not about to turn down the company of a pretty female of any species. After so many weeks of rejection by Spock, on this shore leave he would take all of the attention he could get.

He gestured to the chair. “My table is always open to a beautiful woman.”

Her antennae twitched toward him at the compliment. "I see the rumors of human charm are not exaggerated," she said as she sat.

Kirk smiled at that. "I"ll do my best not to ruin my species" reputation." He motioned to a nearby Tellarite waitress, who came to their table. He cocked his head, indicating that the Andorian should order. "On me."

"Very charming indeed," she said, and looked at the waitress. "Cardassian Sunrise?"

The Tellarite waitress nodded and disappeared.

The Andorian leaned forward, rested her head in her hands and regarded Kirk flirtatiously. She wasn"t green, but she sure was cute. "Your eyes are bluer than my skin."

"I doubt that. You"re as pretty as Earth"s sky." Kirk liked her antennae, how they moved independently and complemented her expressions.

She grinned appreciatively. "We"ve already established that you"re a charmer. Perhaps there are other rumors about humans you can confirm?"

Kirk raised his eyebrows. "And just what sorts of rumors have you been hearing about us?"

"Only good things, of course," she said, with an playful twitch of an antenna. "My friend says that humans are warm to the touch. Is it true?"

As come-ons went, it was absolutely transparent, but Kirk had always liked women who went after what they wanted - especially when what they wanted was him. He held out a hand in invitation. "You tell me."

She reached across the table and pressed her palm against his. Her hand was cool and soft. "Oh, you are warm, aren"t you?" she said, rotating their hands upright. "Isn"t that nice?"

Kirk intertwined their fingers. "I"m flattered you think so."

"And are you this warm everywhere?"

Kirk opened his mouth, flirtatious reply on his tongue, when the forgotten presence at the back of his mind suddenly spiked into something white-hot and a familiar voice said, “His body is a human-standard 37 degrees Celsius and you have absolutely no reason to touch him a single second longer.”

Spock.

Despite hearing Spock in his mind earlier, Kirk hadn"t been face-to-face with Spock since their fight the night before and he felt panic thread down his spine. He looked up to see Spock standing at the side of their table, face completely devoid of expression yet somehow all the more threatening for it.

The Andorian dropped Kirk’s hand like it had burned her. She leapt out of her seat. “You didn’t mention your jealous Vulcan boyfriend!"

Kirk"s jaw dropped. “Because I don’t have one,” he sputtered.

“He does.” Spock stepped close to Kirk just as a powerful bolt of possessiveness surged into Kirk"s brain.

"What?" Kirk stared at Spock, shocked at his words. "I thought Vulcans never lie," he hissed.

"We do not." Spock"s eyes stayed trained on the Andorian.

Kirk threw his hands up in confounded frustration and turned back to the girl. “He’s not my boyfriend,” he said fervently. “We can still –”

But the Andorian was backing away. “No way. Vulcans are scary bastards. You’re gorgeous, but I can find someone else."

"Wait - " Kirk said, half-standing. "I swear, he"s really not - "

She was gone.

Kirk let out a sigh. He slumped back into his seat and shot an irritated gaze up at Spock. There was a slight narrowness to Spock"s eyes as he watched the Andorian disappear into the crowd, and the feeling of possessiveness was curling around Kirk"s brain like a satisfied guard dog.

Possessiveness? What the fuck? Kirk thought as he rubbed his face, too confused to be angry. What the hell could Spock possibly be possessive over around here?

Spock went very still. He glanced down at Kirk, a faint suggestion of uncertainty actually manifesting in his eyes. His hand rose, and for one crazy split second it almost seemed like Spock was going to reach for Kirk. But then Spock quickly lowered his hand, which curled into a loose ball at his side. "I imagine you have many questions," he said, sounding atypically unsure of himself.

"No shit," Kirk shot back sarcastically. "But I"ll start easy. Why"d you chase that girl off? She was into me, you know, and cute as hell."

Spock tensed abruptly, and that white-hot emotion Kirk had felt earlier flared again in Kirk"s mind.

Kirk winced from the strength of it. "Alright alright, sorry," he said crankily, as he tried to place the sickening fire storming his mind. "I"m not crazy, right? This is you I"m feeling in my head?"

"Affirmative," Spock said stiffly.

Kirk rubbed his temples. "And I"m sure you have a great reason for feeling - " He suddenly placed the emotion. " - Jealous? You"re jealous?"

“I am - unaccustomed - to this emotion," Spock admitted. "My defenses against it are not strong.”

Kirk was baffled. “Jealous. Why? You wanted the Andorian? You want to cheat on Uhura with her?”

Frankly, the thought that Spock would get jealous over a nameless Andorian girl twisted the knife just a little deeper. Apparently he’ll fuck anything but me, Kirk thought bitterly. I must be utterly repulsive.

The jealousy in Kirk"s brain morphed, apropos of nothing, into an uncomfortable guilt. Spock quickly shook his head. “Negative,” he said. “I am jealous because I cannot abide others lusting after you.”

Ouch. That hurt. Kirk dropped his gaze. "Of course you can"t," he said in a hard voice. I know I’m not good enough for him, he thought. But I guess I’m not even good enough for one night stands with random aliens.

The bizarre guilt spiked painfully, making Kirk"s stomach twist, as Spock"s hand made another aborted attempt to reach out. "No Jim, I did not mean - " Spock broke off. He seemed strangely off-balance and uncharacteristically at a loss for words. He forced his hand down his side again, where it clenched into a tight fist. "May I sit?"

Kirk let out a small, defeated breath. "Why not," he said dully. After all, how much more damage could Spock do?

Spock sat himself in the Andorian"s chair with a grace that made Kirk"s heart ache. "How are you feeling?"

"What?"

"How are you feeling?" Spock repeated.

Kirk considered some truthful responses. Confused. Dizzy. Lonely.

"Fine," he lied tightly.

Spock stared at him a moment longer. "I find I do not believe you," he said quietly.

"Well, I find I don"t believe that you actually care how I feel," Kirk said honestly. "So I guess we"re even."

Spock made a funny movement that almost could have been a wince. "Jim - "

"Here we are." A bright voice broke the moment. The Tellarite waitress from before was suddenly at their table with a tray. "One Cardassian - " She paused. She looked at Spock, then at Kirk, then back at Spock, then back at Kirk. "Hey, weren"t you just with an Andor - "

"I will take that," Spock said quickly, reaching up and taking the Andorian"s drink off the waitress"s tray.

"But was she planning on - "

"The intended recipient of this drink will not be returning." And before the waitress could argue further, Spock spoke several words to her in the Tellarite language. She shrugged, nodded and disappeared.

Kirk, unamused, folded his arms over his chest. "I know you know I don"t speak Tellarite."

"There would be no point in denying fact."

"So what did you say to her that you didn"t want me to understand?”

Spock"s eyes were fixed on his drink. “I asked her to bring you more food and to put your entire tab from this trip on my bill.”

“WHAT? Spock, no,” Kirk said sharply. “I don’t want your money. I don’t want anything from you.”

Spock did his almost-wince again. He was gripping his Cardassian Sunrise very tightly. "Be that as it may, I am not inclined to offer you a choice."

Kirk put his elbows on the table and his head in his hands. “Don’t do this,” he begged.

"What specifically is it you wish me to cease?"

“Don’t play games with me. Don"t buy me stuff like - like you"re being nice, or like you give a shit about me - not when we both know you don"t."

Oh, that was a horrid feeling suddenly flooding into Kirk, something small and wretched and ashamed. Spock began to speak. "Jim - "

Kirk interrupted. "If you’re still mad about last night, find a way to get back at me without fucking with my feelings, okay? Maybe you don"t realize it, but human feelings are - are - " His throat closed up, and Kirk found he couldn"t bear to continue that line of conversation. "Just please don"t.”

The glass held in Spock"s hands trembled. Spock’s voice was almost inaudible when he spoke. “You believe I seek to purposefully inflict emotional suffering upon you in retaliation for our disagreement.”

Kirk"s head was positively aching with Spock"s echoed misery. Kirk wondered what on Earth Spock was feeling so bad about. "Well, why else would you possibly waste your credits on me?"

Spock screwed his eyes shut. "Credits spent on you are not waste. Jim, I - "

Spock abruptly fell silent as the waitress returned with a heavily-laden tray. "Here you go," she said cheerfully, as she put a plate in front of Kirk. She tilted her head at Spock. "Personally, I"d go with that one," she said to Kirk, in what she probably thought was a whisper but Kirk knew was easily loud enough for Spock to hear. "He"s cute."

Kirk smiled tightly. "He"s not an option for me," he said, with a lightness he didn"t feel. His mind filled in what he couldn"t say aloud: He already told me I don"t have a shot in hell because I"m a slut who"s not worth his friendship.

A stab of heartbreak abruptly sliced through Kirk"s brain - joined by the sudden shattering sound of glass breaking.

Kirk jerked his gaze from the waitress to Spock. The Vulcan had dropped his Cardassian Sunrise, and Spock"s now-empty hands were shaking. "Hey," Kirk said in concern. "Are you okay?"

Spock didn"t answer. Instead, he pressed his palms together firmly. "I request that you leave us," he said to the waitress.

She gestured at the broken glass and spilled drink on the floor. "But - "

"Immediately." Spock bit the word out almost rudely and the waitress couldn"t leave fast enough.

Kirk stared at him. Spock actually looked distressed, and the sense of penitence in Kirk"s head was overpowering. "Spock," Kirk said seriously, as his captain"s concern for his subordinate officer took over. "Something"s wrong. I think I should call Bones and have him - "

"Please eat."

"What? Eat? But I think you"re sick. I should get Bones and - what?" Kirk asked self-consciously, finding himself the target of a lost, almost helpless stare. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You are a wonder," Spock said hoarsely. "Despite my rejection, you experience concern for my well-being."

Kirk felt his cheeks redden. "I am your captain," he said, embarrassment making him snappish. "Of course I care. And if you"re sick - "

"I am not ill. And I do not require the services of Dr. McCoy. He cannot fix what I have done."

"Commander," Kirk said, purposefully using Spock"s rank. "I"m not sure - "

"Jim." Spock pushed the plate forward. "Eat."

Kirk furrowed his brow. He looked at the plate of food appraisingly, and realized Spock, the most die-hard vegetarian he knew, had ordered him some kind of meat. And it looked delicious. His hand went for his fork. "Fine," he said, pulling the plate closer. "I eat, you explain?"

"Acceptable." Spock watched as Kirk dug in. He took a breath. "I have done something contemptible."

"You?"

"Yes. I grievously hurt the being I should have most cherished."

Kirk"s heart plummeted. "You came to me to talk about Uhura?" he said, shocked that even Spock could be so callous.

"No," Spock blurted, and shook his head almost violently. "No - certainly not - never."

"Okay then," Kirk said warily, trying to steady his heart and quell the instinct to run from Spock, who always managed to wield his words like weapons and leave Kirk bleeding. "What exactly did you do?"

Spock took another breath. "Without obtaining your consent, without even your knowledge, I created a bond with you."

"A bond?" Kirk didn"t know what a bond was but he seized on the word as an explanation. "Is that what the thing in my head"s called?"

Spock looked up in surprise. "You are already aware of the bond?"

Kirk nodded. "I heard you talking to it earlier."

"It?" Spock seemed puzzled by Kirk"s choice of words.

"Yeah, I heard all your cooing and mushy Vulcan baby talk."

Spock blinked. "My what?"

It was just as Kirk had suspected. Spock hadn"t planned for Kirk to be involved. "Is the bond why I keep getting all these crazy feelings from you, all this jealousy and possessiveness and guilt?" Kirk snorted. "Although I"ve got no clue why you"d be feeling like this, unless - " A possibly suddenly occurred to him. "Is it the bond? Is that what makes you feel this way?"

Spock furrowed his brow. "That is not exactly accurate," he said slowly. "But I suppose it is not entirely incorrect."

"Close enough," Kirk said. It was all starting to make some kind of sense - well, as much sense as Vulcans and their alien telepathy ever made. "So you accidentally put this bond in my head?"

Spock dropped his gaze to the table. "Yes. I did not do it with conscious awareness, but I take ownership of my actions nonetheless."

Bingo. Spock"s miserable emotions were probably caused by the bond being stuck in Kirk"s not-good mind. Kirk"s throat tightened. It would have been nice if, just once, he didn"t completely repulse Spock. At least he hadn"t been stupid enough to get his hopes up that Spock"s words and feelings had been meant for him. “Well, sorry it got itself lost in my head. You can have it back now.”

Spock stared at him. “I beg your pardon?"

"You can have it back."

"Have it back?"

“You like it, you don’t like me,” Kirk said patiently. “So I"m assuming you want your bond thing back.”

Spock opened his mouth, then closed it without saying anything.

Kirk sighed and tried not to sound bitter. “Look, I know you don’t want me, okay?"

"But - "

"And I know you must be upset that this thing of yours, this - bond, this mental pet or whatever it is, somehow ended up in my head."

"I - "

"But it would be needlessly cruel, even for you, to leave that thing in my mind where I have to hear and feel you being all sweet to it when I know how much you loathe me.”

"Needlessly cruel." Spock swallowed. "Even for me." He closed his eyes, palms steepled together in front of his mouth, and Kirk suddenly realized that Spock was shaking again. “Jim,” he said, the syllable strained.

Kirk braced himself for something truly horrible, but Spock’s next words shocked him to his core.

“I have so many apologies to make to you that I find I do not have the words to begin.”

“Come again?”

Spock opened haunted eyes. “I have wronged you egregiously," he said quietly. His next words were whispered so softly that Kirk had to strain to hear him. “I will understand if my actions are beyond forgiveness.”

Kirk blinked. “Wronged me?” he asked, bewildered. “Wronged me how?”

"You are ta"an, Jim - a gift. And I rejected you."

Kirk winced. "Can we stop talking about this?"

"Jim - "

"You didn"t wrong me. You just don"t want me. It was my fault; I was stupid to think you"d ever want me back."

"You are not stupid," Spock said, a little sharply. "But you are incorrect. I do want you."

Kirk crushed any trace of hope before it could rise. "You must not know what that phrase means."

"I know what I am saying," Spock insisted. "In truth, my intentions towards you go far beyond wanting. I have claimed you."

"Now I know you"re confused, because that doesn"t make sense," Kirk said neutrally, as if the whole discussion didn"t make his chest ache. "It"s understandable; Vulcan"s your first language, not - "

Spock cut him off. "I am not confused," he insisted. "It is a Vulcan thing I speak of. Claimed is simply the closest approximation I can give in Standard because there is no human equivalent."

Kirk stared at him. "And just what do you think you claimed me for?"

"My mate."

Kirk"s eyes bulged. "Your what?"

"My bondmate." Spock said the word like it was special to him. "10.5 weeks ago, on the Enterprise bridge, I touched your mind and made us telsu; a bonded pair. I claimed everything you are for my own."

Kirk"s stomach sank. Spock was talking nonsense. "You are sick," he said, in worried realization. "Really sick. You"ve gone crazy."

"No," Spock said firmly, his eyes fixed on Kirk. "I am fully sane and finally aware that you are mine."

Kirk clenched his teeth. This was one of the cruelest jokes life had ever played on him. Just when he thought he"d closed the gaping wound Spock had ripped in his heart, Spock showed up at his table, crazy as a loon, and said these - these things -

"I am not yours, Spock," he gritted out, as politely as he could, "because you. Don"t. Want. Me. Remember?"

Spock actually flinched. "I did not know about our bond until tonight. I would not have neglected you if I had known. I would never have said the things I said."

"I can"t do this," Kirk said tightly. He"d had as much as he could bear. He was going to com Bones and tell him Spock was having delusions. He pushed back in his chair.

Spock seized Kirk"s forearms - but gently, as if Kirk was something fragile that might break beneath Spock"s grasp. Kirk was completely unprepared for being so carefully touched. He could have easily broken away from Spock"s delicate hold, but the sudden contact of Spock"s hands on his bare skin, and the almost tender way Spock was holding him in place, made him freeze.

"I have failed with words," Spock said, his eyes beseeching. "Jim, please. Let me show you."

Kirk couldn"t think beyond the hot hands suddenly branding his skin. The only person who"d ever touched him this carefully was Bones, and then only when Kirk was injured. “Okay," he said distractedly, not really thinking about what Spock was going to do.

Then his eyes widened, as he suddenly remembered what Vulcans meant when they said show. "Wait - "

Kirk"s mind exploded with images and emotion.

Vulcan is gone.

And T’Pring is dead. His childhood bond with his betrothed has been abruptly sundered. From the broken end of the link in his mind, there is a threat of crippling depression, of madness, looming over Spock. He has to keep the darkness at bay, and so he strengthens his shields until the walls between him and his link are nigh impenetrable.

But unknown to Spock, a fledging bond is accidentally created in the empty, aching space. A soulmate is recognized and claimed even as Spock loses all emotional control and nearly kills him. A bondmate, especially one as rare a match as Jim, is a gift; something Spock would cherish. He is made to love his other half and Jim is perfect for Spock in every way; brilliant, witty, brave, kind. He is a priceless treasure and Spock would delight in him endlessly, if only Spock knew.

But Spock doesn"t know he has a mate. So instead, Jim is neglected and ignored, the blocked bond weakening and sickening him even as Spock is strengthened from the boundless human love Jim unknowingly pours into Spock – until Jim nearly dies saving Spock, and the shields crack, and Spock learns what he has done, learns how he has abandoned and hurt his bondmate. There can be no forgiveness for this crime, for the pain he caused his mate, and he is so sorry –

The memories stopped abruptly, like brakes had been slammed on. As Spock freed him from the meld, freeing his arms in the process, Kirk found he was short of breath. "Fuck," he wheezed, chest hurting from Spock"s lingering emotional transference. He rubbed irritably at the tears stinging his eyes. "Fuck."

Spock was watching him, his intense brown eyes lit with concern and his worry threading through Kirk"s already throbbing brain. "Have I injured you?"

"I"m fine," Kirk said automatically. He pressed the heel of his hand against the ache in his heart. He tried to process what he"d just seen, and simply could not wrap his mind around it. "But I think there"s been some kind of mistake."

"Indeed. Hurting my mate was a grievous mistake." Spock reached for Kirk"s hand.

"That"s not what I meant." Kirk quickly pulled his hand away before Spock could hold it. "I"m not what you think I am."

"You are my bondmate," Spock said, as if it that was some kind of explanation. "You are everything to me."

"No I"m not." Kirk made himself into stone, refusing to be swayed even an inch by those beautiful eyes and the promises in their depths. "You were quite clear about wanting nothing to do with me before you found out about the bond."

Kirk felt a stab of Spock"s guilt. "My actions were reprehensible, I do not pretend otherwise, but they are not relevant to how I feel about you now."

"Yes they are, can"t you see? The bond changed your feelings towards me, influenced you, made you feel things that aren"t - aren"t how you really feel."

"The bond does nothing of the sort," Spock protested. "My mind was enamored with your mind, and spontaneously linked us because it could not bear the thought of an existence without you."

"That"s a lovely fairytale," Kirk said, with a forced smile. He knew better than to believe. No one actually wanted to Kirk around - not his own family, and certainly not the uninterested Vulcan who broke Kirk"s heart.

Spock seemed completely perplexed. "Why do you doubt my affection for you?"

Kirk bit his lip as a flood of his own memories involuntarily came back to him in answer.

His head hurts, his heart hurts, and Spock will never talk to him, can"t be bothered to play chess with him, would rather do paperwork than spend an extra second in Kirk"s company -

Spock seems so content with Uhura and Kirk wants to see the Vulcan he loves happy, so he keeps his distance and privately hates himself for wishing they"d split, even as their every touch burns him like a brand -

A ship full of people but Kirk is so fucking lonely, and he"ll do anything for a respite from the loneliness, even drinking revolting Klingon bloodwine - only to vomit it back up painfully under Spock"s disdainful, apathetic stare -

Spock outright rejects him, tells him to his face that Kirk"s not even good enough for friendship, has used cold logic to decide that Kirk"s too promiscuous and would not make a satisfactory partner, and so Spock crushes the last speck of hope from Kirk"s soul -

There was a choked sound.

Kirk was jerked out of his thoughts. A sickening wave of Spock"s shame was filling Kirk, and across the table, Spock had blanched. "Jim." He looked positively ill. "How can you possibly forgive my actions these past weeks?"

Kirk went very, very still. "How did you know what I was thinking about?"

There was a pause. Then Spock"s guilty eyes met his own.

Because the bond is a two-way link, Jim.

Kirk"s eyes widened.

You can hear my thoughts?

Yes. As you can hear mine. I can hear your thoughts, feel your feelings -

"No," Kirk said quickly. "Stop. Stop it."

Jim -

“Get out of my head!” Kirk jumped to his feet so fast his chair fell over.

Spock stood too. "Jim - "

"My thoughts and feelings are private," Kirk hissed, cheeks hot with furious embarrassment. "You don"t get to read me like a fucking book."

"You have no cause to be ashamed of your feelings. The blame lies entirely with - "

“I said stop reading me!” Kirk pointed at Spock accusingly. "I don"t want you in my head, Spock."

Spock went still as a statute. A rush of mind-numbing fear, Spock"s fear, went through Kirk. "You wish me to break the bond?"

Guilt, terror, penitence, heartbreak - Spock"s emotions at the thought of breaking the bond swirled through Kirk, making his own chest ache. "I - "

In Kirk"s head, the sense of Spock all but cringed, so small and scared, so resigned and guilty and broken-hearted - and Kirk just couldn"t do it. He couldn"t made Spock hurt like this. He let out a frustrated groan. "No," he bit out. "You don"t have to break it. Just stay out of my head."

Spock closed his eyes, and his profound relief swept through Kirk. "Shaya tonat, Jim, I thank thee," he whispered. He straightened and opened his eyes. "And I will respect your boundaries."

Spock"s thankfulness that Kirk had let him keep the bond was so heartfelt. He was gazing at Kirk with grateful adoration, like Kirk was the moon who"d lit his darkest night. Kirk"s throat tightened at that look. He quickly shoved down all the soft emotions threatening to swamp him. He couldn"t afford to be soft, because it wasn"t always going to be like this. Even though Kirk was going to let him keep the bond, Spock wouldn"t always look at him so sweetly or even want him around.

After all, it"s not like he"ll want to be bonded to me forever, Kirk thought tiredly, rubbing his face. Obviously he"ll get sick of me soon.

Spock blinked. "How could I ever tire of you?" he asked, sounding sincerely confused. "That would be tantamount to tiring of the air I breathe."

Kirk"s eyes widened. He took a step back from the table. "I thought I said stay out of my head!"

"I intend to, but I must first build the necessary walls for your mind." Spock looked at him imploringly. "I know I have not given you cause to have faith in me, but I assure you I will not - "

Kirk snorted bitterly. "It"s better for both of us if you don"t make promises you"re not going to keep, Spock."

"But you are my bondmate, I will never - "

"Stop," Kirk snapped, moving away another step. "You"re only making it worse."

A wave of Spock"s distress reached Kirk. Spock clearly didn"t like Kirk"s increasing distance. "I do not understand."

“Look, when you turned me down before, I - it - " Kirk stopped before he could say it broke me, it nearly killed me. "It was difficult for me," he finally said. "So if you lie to me now, and get me to trust you – " He broke off again, before you will destroy me when you leave me left his lips. "It will again be difficult for me when you end the relationship.”

“But I will never –”

“Just stop,” Kirk ordered. “For fuck"s sake, you still have a girlfriend!”

“Lieutenant Uhura –” Spock began, reaching for Kirk.

"Don"t." Kirk flinched away before they could touch. “I won"t make you destroy the bond, I"m not that heartless. But don"t ask for anything else.” You"re not the only one who builds walls, Spock. The thought filled Kirk"s mind before he could stop it. Your walls are in your brain. Humans build their walls around their hearts. And mine are NOT coming down.

Spock lowered his hand in resignation. “As you wish," he said softly, bowing his head.

Kirk knew the subject was far from closed, but Spock seemed reluctant to push him further and Kirk knew when to take an offered retreat. “Good,” he said defensively. “Good. And now, I’m going to bed.”

As he turned to leave, a now-familiar feeling spiked in his mind. “ALONE, Spock, you jealous Vulcan bastard,” he snapped, without looking back.

He left the restaurant and headed for the lift to their room, choosing the path of ignoring his feelings over analyzing them. Entering the empty room he shared with Spock and Bones, he stripped off his clothes and crawled into his top bunk.

And when his head hit the pillow, he almost instantly fell asleep, and slept the best sleep he’d had in three months for the next fourteen hours straight.

*****

9. Craved

When Kirk awoke the next day, it was nearly lunchtime. He sprawled on his back across the mattress, stretching idly and staring up at the close ceiling view from the top bunk. He"d had wonderful dreams for a change, and he felt rested and relaxed. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he felt this good.

Oh wait. Yes he did. Back at the Academy, before he supposedly landed himself a Vulcan bondmate.

He groaned softly to himself. He rolled onto his side, and glanced down at Spock’s bed. Empty and already made. He wondered if Spock had slept in it at all. Snoring filtered up from the bottom bunk, and he swung his head over the side to look at the bunk below him. Bones was out cold; shirtless and stubbly, with one hand flung carelessly above his head and the sheet bunched around his waist.

Good. Kirk needed some medical advice.

He jumped down from the top bunk and landed lightly on his feet. The boxer briefs he was wearing were not exactly regulation underwear, but Gaila had told him they were sexy, and he trusted her opinion on that front explicitly. Perhaps a little underdressed to wake up your best friend, but he’d roomed with Bones at the Academy. They’d seen each other in even less.

He flopped onto his stomach on the bed next to his friend and prodded him.

“Nrgh.”

“Bones, wake up.”

Bones’s eyes shot open. “Jim? You alright?”

As always, Kirk was touched by his concern. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just wanted to see how your night went.”

“A Southern Gentleman don’t kiss and tell,” Bones muttered, covering his eyes with his arm.

"Your accent gets so thick when you"re sleepy," Kirk teased.

Bones gave him the finger without uncovering his eyes. “You gonna be a brat or you gonna tell me what you need?”

“Do you know anything about Vulcan bonds?”

Bones took his arm off his eyes and gave Kirk a stare that was much too penetrating for someone who’d been awake less than three minutes. “What did Spock do?” he asked suspiciously.

“He - I think the phrase he used was claimed me. Sounds pretty kinky, especially for a Vulcan.”

There was a string of curse words foul enough to make a sailor blush. “Tell me.”

Kirk relayed what had happened between him and Spock last night, including what Spock had told him about the bond.

Bones got growly. “Hobgoblin was making you sick. I should kick his ass.”

“From personal experience, I wouldn’t recommend it,” Kirk said, remembering his one physical fight with Spock and its humiliating outcome.

“Hmph. So, he wants to be your boyfriend now or something? Damn rotten timing, if that’s the case. He should have been there for you months ago.”

Kirk shook his head. “No, it’s better this way. Even just last week I would have jumped him, and where would that leave me? Alone, as soon as he came to his senses. And he will come to his senses at some point, because his feelings aren"t even real. Just a side-effect of this bond.”

Bones smacked Kirk on the back of his head.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Because you"re an idiot. You"ve got the order all wrong. Spock"s mind made that bond because it recognized the feelings Spock could have for you. Not the other way around."

Kirk rubbed the back of his head and glared at his friend. "Aren"t you a hopeless romantic first thing in the morning."

“And aren"t you a cynical little bastard. This sounds serious. Like Spock’s in it for life.”

Kirk rolled his eyes. “Nobody’s in it for life. Everyone leaves at some point.”

“Jim, that’s not –”

“Save it, Bones.”

“He said he claimed you for a bondmate. May be kinky, yes, but I don"t think he’s gonna leave you.”

“He can block the bond if he wants to. He’s already proved that, really damn effectively. What’s to stop him from blocking me again?”

Bones had no answer for that.

Kirk rested his chin on his folded arms. “It’s fine. He can keep the bond for now. Eventually, he’ll get tired of me and he’ll block it or break it. I’ll just resist him until then.”

Bones held up a finger. “One, you"ve been sick as a dog since he blocked it. Two, are you even sure you can resist? Don’t pretend like you don’t still care about him. You just risked your life to save his.”

Kirk suddenly became very interested in the sheets. In the back of his mind, he swore he could almost feel something humming in agreement with Bones. “He’s the best First Officer in the fleet.”

“That’s not why you saved him. You weren’t even going to let him beam down to the planet until you knew it was safe.”

“Even if I did still care – and I’m not saying I do – that would only make it more important that I don’t let this thing with Spock happen. The more you care, the more it hurts when they realize they don"t give a shit about you and leave you behind. And don’t act like you don’t know this.”

Bones acknowledged the reference to his ex-wife with a tilt of his head. “You look better this morning.”

Kirk scoffed.

“I’m serious. Like you got some rest.”

“What’s your point?”

“Look, I don’t like Spock – you know I don’t – but maybe this – thing – you two have could be good for you. It’s done wonders for Spock’s health.”

“No.”

“Jim – ”

“No.”

Bones sighed the long-suffering sigh of a doctor whose patient is never going to listen. “You’re nuts if you think Spock’s going to give you up now that he’s realized what a good catch you are.”

“Oh please.”

“It’s true. And he’s as stubborn as you are. You got some kind of plan to resist him when you’ve been pining for him for months?”

Kirk didn’t answer. “You’re all stubbly,” he said, touching Bones’s face. “I’m never stubbly. Why do I lack the ability to grow facial or chest hair?”

“You’re dodging the question.”

“And you’re gloating because you have sexy facial hair and I don’t.”

“Ahem.”

The sound coincided with a hot spike of jealousy exploding in Kirk’s mind. Kirk didn’t have to turn around to realize what had just happened. “Hi Spock,” he said lamely, all too conscious of how they looked: Kirk on top of the sheets in nothing but briefs, Bones shirtless beneath the sheets, Kirk’s hand on Bones’s face. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

The jealousy didn’t subside in the slightest. “You are in bed with Dr. McCoy,” Spock said stiffly.

Kirk wondered how long he could get away with not turning around and facing Spock. “Uh-huh,” he said. “He’s my friend.”

“I see.”

Bones was glaring at Spock over Kirk’s shoulder. “Does he actually get jealous?” he whispered to Kirk.

Kirk could only nod.

There was a rustle of fabric and a quiet clinking, like china moving. Kirk, too curious to resist, rolled onto his side to see that Spock had taken a seat on his own bed, still staring at Kirk. A tray with several dishes now sat on the bedside table.

Kirk inclined his head. “What’s all that?”

“I surmised that you might be hungry, and that you might not have time to visit the restaurant yourself before we are to return to the ship. I brought you food and the planet’s substitute for Terran coffee.”

“That’s...” sweet, Kirk thought, but, “...appreciated, I am hungry,” was what he said out loud. He stood from the bed and walked to the tray, still in his briefs.

He was about to take a sip of the coffee when he became aware of another strong feeling. He stiffened slightly in surprise. Apparently, lust was another emotion Spock wasn’t used to and didn’t have a strong defense against.

“Enjoying the view, Spock?” Bones’s amused, early-morning thicker drawl floated across the room. “As you’ve clearly noticed, Jimmy does look damn fine in those briefs.”

“Damn it, Bones,” Kirk said, as a powerful spike of jealousy threatened to make him spill his coffee. Vulcan emotions were so strong. “I told you he’s the jealous type.”

“Spock is the jealous type. Now I’ve heard everything. Surely jealousy isn’t logical?”

“On the contrary, doctor. Taking steps to protect your mate from any potential rivals is highly logical.”

“Oh, so it’s like that with Jim, is it?”

“Yes. Exactly like that.”

“Boys, boys,” Kirk said, cutting them off. “I know I’m pretty, but there’s no need to fight over me. At least, not until I’ve had my coffee and can appreciate a good cat fight. I bet Spock pulls hair.”

Bones rolled his eyes but Spock took Kirk"s statement seriously. “I do not pull hair when I fight, Captain.” He sounded bemused. “The Vulcan nerve pinch is much more effective. Also, pretty is not the most accurate term to describe you. I should think that stunning would be preferable.”

Spock sounded so fucking sincere that Kirk actually felt his cheeks blush. He tried to hide it by taking a big sip of coffee, but the coffee was too hot and it burned his throat, making him choke.

Bones stood, but Spock was quicker and at Kirk’s side in an instant. “Jim!”

Kirk put up a hand. “I’m fine,” he wheezed. “Just embarrassed.”

Spock reluctantly sat back down. He kept his eyes on Kirk, sweeping his gaze from Kirk’s head to his feet to reassure himself of Kirk’s safety. And then he swept his gaze over Kirk again – much, much more slowly this time, lingering shamelessly on the tight-fitting briefs that covered Kirk’s ass.

A craving lust started a slow boil at the back of Kirk’s mind again. Spock’s lust, unfortunately, seemed to be more contagious then his jealousy. Kirk wasn’t jealous by nature, but he sure was horny, and he could feel that lust creeping into his own thoughts, simmering over into his own feelings.

Damn. This could be a problem.

Luckily, Bones broke the mood. “Damn fool way to go, choking on your morning cuppa joe," he said, leaning back against the bunk bed.

“Who is Joe?”

Kirk had to smile. “It’s just another term for coffee, Spock,” he explained, as he helped himself to the enormous amount of food Spock had brought him.

“I see. Interesting.” Spock’s tone of voice made it clear that by interesting he actually meant you humans are a illogical bunch of coconuts and I don’t understand you or your batty ways.

“Don’t we need to get back to the ship? Which means you have to put clothes on, Jim, or I’m going to be treating the whole crew for heart attacks when they get at look at their hot, naked captain.”

Kirk dropped the bacon-like thing he’d been about to enjoy as Spock’s jealousy swept through him. "Bones!"

“What?” Bones said, too innocently. “Not my fault the Vulcan is possessive and doesn’t like the thought of all of your crew getting an eyeful of your gorgeous –”

“Argh,” Kirk said, incoherently, as the jealousy heightened and he distinctly heard he is mine, I will not tolerate competition. “Bones, stop taunting Spock. Spock, get out of my head. And both of you, scram so I can eat my breakfast in peace.”

“But –”

“That is an order from your captain!”

Reluctantly, they both left.

Kirk got comfortable on Spock’s bed, and proceeded to enjoy all of the food Spock had brought. Sometimes, it was good to be king.

*****

It turned out that Kirk was needed for a last-minute meeting with the High Council, so he caught up with Bones and Spock at the beam up point a few hours later. As he approached, he heard their raised voices and couldn’t resist stalling around the corner to listen in to their conversation.

“ – and what about Uhura?”

“I informed her this morning of my new status as Jim’s bondmate.”

“What, you broke it off via communicator? Are you really that cold?”

“Not that it is any concern of yours, but we met for breakfast and I told her in person. I am learning about your human proclivity towards hurt feelings. It is never my intention to cause such a response.”

“Right. Bet you wish you"d known more about feelings when you told your bondmate that you weren’t interested in him in any way.”

“Yes.” Spock’s reply was quiet and devoid of sarcasm. “I do.”

“So is she going to kill Jim? Exes can be crazy, you know, and – ”

“Lieutenant Uhura’s intelligence in within the top 3.67 percentile of all humans. You do her a disservice by assuming that she could not accurately assign the blame to the one who deserves it.”

“Ah. She’s pissed at you.”

“Indeed.”

“Smart girl.”

“Indeed.”

“So tell me more about this bonding thing you did to Jim.”

“I propose instead that you enlighten me further as to your intentions towards the captain. I have now seen the two of you share the same bed twice.”

“Look at you, all jealous. You know, on earth we have a saying, that jealousy is a green-eyed monster. Maybe we should have called it a green-blooded monster?”

And that was Kirk’s cue to intervene before his two favorite officers got in a real brawl. Generally, he trusted that Spock would keep his temper and end the conversation, but right now Kirk was getting a reading of Spock’s jealousy loud and clear and he really didn’t want to see what an emotionally compromised Spock would do to Bones.

He stepped around the corner. Two heads turned in his direction, and to his relief, the fight stopped.

“Shall we beam up?” he asked rhetorically, pulling out his communicator to contact the ship.

*****

10. Linked

Kirk sat at his desk in his quarters, going through all the paperwork that had accumulated during his leave. The ship was still in orbit around Riidux and would be for two more days, as all crew were to get equal allotment of shore leave and the final shift deserved the chance to enjoy their fair share. Since there wasn"t a pressing need for Kirk to be on the bridge himself during orbit, he"d put Spock in command up there while he stayed here, in his quarters. This arrangement was a logical division of labor. That it let him conveniently avoid Spock and the conflicting feelings that came with the Vulcan was just a bonus.

Also fortunate for Kirk and his strained emotions was that Uhura was one of the ones who"d beamed down in the final shoreleave shift. Kirk could admit to himself that he was relieved he wouldn’t have to face her just yet. Spock had said she wasn’t mad at him - but Spock had also proved that he was absolute crap at accurately understanding humans.

Kirk"s intercom buzzed. “May I come in, Captain?”

Speak of the devil.

Kirk sighed. So much for logical attempts at avoidance. “Computer, let him in,” he muttered, and the doors slid open.

Spock entered, carrying a tray with several dishes on it.

Kirk folded his arms across his chest. "What"s all this?"

"It has been three hours since you"ve had lunch, and I thought you might be experiencing hunger."

Yeah, right. Spock"s tone was far too innocent. Kirk opened his mouth to tell Spock that he didn"t need a babysitter, but when Spock set the tray on his desk what actually came out was, "Is that a steak?"

"Affirmative."

"This is the third time you"ve brought me some kind of meat. Aren"t you a vegetarian?" Kirk asked, already reaching for the fork and knife.

Spock made a gesture that was almost like a shrug. He stood near Kirk’s desk, hands clasped behind his back as Kirk dug into the food. “Report on the ship’s status, sir. All is –”

“Spock. You didn’t come to my quarters just to feed me and tell me that all is well on the ship. Why are you really here?”

Spock apparently had the grace to know when he was busted. He didn"t stall any longer. “I wished to inform you that I have shielded nearly all of your mind from my own. I will not hear your thoughts or feel your feelings unless they are inordinately strong or directed specifically at me.”

“Great,” Kirk said, pleased that Spock was taking his boundaries seriously.

“I also wished to tell you that I have not shielded my own mind from you in any way.”

“Come again?”

“You are my bondmate. My mind is open to you.”

Kirk blinked. “Are you sure that’s what you want? I’m not a telepath.”

“No, but you are able to hear me in your mind. It is true that I am uncertain of the extent of your abilities, but I welcome you to discover them. I would find your presence in my mind enjoyable."

Kirk blinked again. "No shields on your end at all?"

"No. I have no wish to raise barriers against you ever again. Everything I am is yours.”

Kirk opened his mouth, then shut it, then opened it, and shut it again.

“That is what I wished to tell you,” Spock said serenely, as if he hadn’t just dropped a bombshell on Kirk. “I will see you on the bridge when you have finished your paperwork.”

And he calmly left.

*****

Kirk tried to put the conversation out of his mind. He really did.

But it was impossible to deny his natural curiosity, and he couldn’t help but wonder what Spock’s mind would be like through the bond. There was little-to-no information available on Vulcan bonds – tight lipped bastards kept everything private. Spock certainly would have told him anything he wanted to know, but since Spock was the problem in the first place, Kirk wasn’t about to ask.

Still, there was no denying that there was something connecting him to Spock. Something that hummed and flitted at the back of Kirk’s mind, almost as if it had a life of its own. Kirk didn"t think it really did but that was the only way he could think of it and stay sane, because whatever was in his head, it was absolutely enamored with Spock.

It wasn"t new. Kirk had felt it before, back when Spock hadn"t wanted anything to do with him. But the sensation had been weak then, and grown weaker still with every rejection Spock had made, until that warmth had been overpowered by a strange emptiness and unfamiliar aches in his head and heart.

But now - now the bond in Kirk"s mind practically sang. Whatever new life Spock breathed into the bond had filled that emptiness in Kirk"s mind until it overflowed, making the bond an unrelenting temptation for a human mind all too accustomed to loneliness. Kirk"s mind was constantly waylaid with traitorous thoughts about Spock’s sexy voice, his cute pointy ears, his brilliant mind - and Kirk blamed every last thought on the bond. It was driving Kirk up the wall and testing his resolve to keep Spock at arm"s length.

Kirk spent the two remaining days in orbit around Riidux III slowly going crazy – the bond was like a squealing teenage girl with a crush, and had Spock really said everything I am is yours? Since when did Vulcans have notions of romance, anyway? – and as he was entering the turbolift en route to the bridge, only half paying attention, he had a nasty surprise.

“Please hold the lift for me, Captain.”

“Lieutenant!” Kirk only just stopped his voice from squeaking. “I –” He swallowed. “Of course.”

He reluctantly pressed the “hold” button and allowed Lieutenant Uhura to enter the lift with him.

The doors slid shut.

“Computer, bridge.” Kirk resolutely stared straight in front of him, determined to be professional and act like nothing had happened.

Uhura, on the other hand, jammed her hand on a button that brought the entire lift to a halt.

Kirk’s eyes widened. “Please don’t kill me,” he started to say, but Uhura had thrown her arms around his neck in a - hug?

“Oh Jim, I’m so sorry,” she said, holding him tightly. “I had no idea.”

Tentatively, Kirk wrapped his arms around her waist in return. “Um,” he said, feeling a little surreal, trapped in the turbolift hugging Spock’s ex, who might have decided not to kill him. “Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“No, you don’t understand." She tilted her head up, and Kirk bent his down so she could could speak into his ear. "I’m the one who told Spock that you might be in love with him. That’s why he rejected you so thoroughly. I didn"t know you were bondmates, that he was making you sick."

"It"s not a big deal - "

“Yes, it is. Look, I liked Spock a lot, but Jim, when Spock told me what he"d done to you and I realized why you looked like you did on the bridge the other day - " Her grip tightened around his neck, and she pressed her cheek to his. "I"m so glad you"re okay.”

There was a whistle, and Spock’s voice came over the intercom. “Captain, is everything in order? Why has the turbolift halted?”

“He’s with me and he’s fine, Commander,” Uhura snapped, and although she had said Commander, Kirk heard asshole loud and clear.

“I see.” Spock, clearly, had heard it too. The intercom turned off.

The predictable feeling coursed through Kirk a moment later. Spock was thinking about Kirk and Uhura alone in the turbolift together. “You made him jealous,” he said to Uhura.

“Good.” She pulled back, but left her arms loosely entwined around Kirk’s neck. She smiled at him with her beautiful smile. “Let him suffer.” She got serious again. “Are you furious with me?”

“What? No,” Kirk said honestly. “You should be mad at me. I was crazy about your boyfriend.”

Uhura shook her head, sending her long ponytail tumbling over her shoulders. “You never made a move beyond trying to spend a little time with him,” she said. "I"m mad at him for not even bothering to be your friend. And I"m even madder at myself," she added ruefully, "for encouraging him to shoot you down."

“Just how mad is mad?" Kirk said, with the same teasing smile he"d used on her back in a bar in Riverside on a night that felt like a lifetime ago. "Mad enough you"ll let me call you by your first name?"

She laughed. "Don"t push your luck," she said, and with one last hug with the arms around his neck, let go. She pressed the button to resume their course.

Seconds later, the doors opened onto the bridge. Spock was staring at the lift, looking slightly mutinous, which for Spock meant he was pissed.

“Take care of yourself, Captain,” Uhura said sweetly, squeezing his arm before going to her station – only pausing to shoot one of the dirtiest looks Kirk had ever seen at Spock.

Kirk grinned and briefly considered putting a commendation in her file.

*****

Two weeks later, Kirk found himself on the surface of Nareen II, a class M planet listed as uninhabited. It was a beautiful planet, with rolling hills and tall trees and a blue sky just like Earth"s. Spock had brought a landing party of his science officers to the surface, and they"d immediately spread out along the edge of a forest to take samples for determining Nareen II"s suitability for colonization.

Kirk, trying to stay out of their way, had climbed a nearby hill. Cupcake, the only security team member to come along, was with him. The two of them stood at the top, enjoying the crisp fresh air and the brilliant green of the nearby forest.

But no matter how hard Kirk tried to take in the sight of the gentle landscape, his eyes kept straying back to their preferred view, of Spock down below. Spock was on his hands and knees in the grass, deeply engaged in his work and unaware that he was the target of Kirk"s scrutiny. Kirk watched as Spock sat up on his knees, holding up some kind of leaf, his dark head cocked as he studied it. Kirk felt a little flutter in his heart; he always found Spock particularly attractive when Spock was lost in the intensity of his concentration.

Kirk realized was he was doing and shook his head. No point in tormenting himself. He forced his recalcitrant eyes away from Spock, over to the forest just beyond.

His heart stopped.

Something had just moved in the forest; something vaguely human-shaped but purple-skinned and tall, hidden just behind a tree. It raised its arm - an arm clutching a crude, but unmistakable spear - and aimed for the unknowing Vulcan only meters away.

Spock

"SPOCK!"

Kirk shouted as loud as he could, causing Cupcake to draw his phaser instinctively. But Kirk was too late - the alien had already launched the spear straight at Spock"s head.

Kirk experienced a moment of pure, crippling terror -

But Spock threw himself to the ground and the spear sailed over him, missing him by inches. Cupcake fired his phaser at the same time, and the purple alien fell to the ground, stunned.

Several more purple heads popped up among the trees.

Kirk whipped out his communicator. "Scotty, beam us the hell out of here, now now now!"

*****

Back on the Enterprise, Kirk hovered in the corridor just outside sickbay, where he"d ordered Spock to report. After ten long minutes, Bones came out to see him.

"You know, you can - "

"Is he okay?" Kirk blurted.

Bones regarded him with a raised eyebrow. "Why not go in and ask your little hobgoblin yourself?"

"Bones."

Bones relented at Kirk"s desperate tone. "He"s fine. You can stop fretting. Just a few scratches, and I took care of those."

Kirk let out a shaky sigh. He leaned back against the wall behind him, tipped his head back and closed his eyes. "Thanks."

"Don"t thank me. You"re the one who saved his life."

Kirk blinked. "What?"

Bones tapped Kirk on the forehead. "He says he heard you in his head through your linky-thing. That"s how he knew to duck." Then he added, very casually, "Good thing that even though you won"t let him near you, you"re still looking out for him."

"He - he"s still my First Officer, it"s my job to look out for him," Kirk said defensively. He ran a hand through his hair, and found that he"d been so nervous, he"d been sweating.

Bones"s eyes said he wasn"t fooled for an instant. "Whatever you say, darlin"."

*****

Kirk tossed and turned in his bed, unable to sleep. Every time - every goddamn time - he closed his eyes, he was assaulted by the sight of Spock, innocently studying his leaf, completely unaware of the danger he was in, and that spear, cruel and sharp and aimed right at Spock -

Spock isn’t hurt. He’s FINE. He’s in the next room. SLEEPING, like I should be. He’s FINE.

It was useless. Kirk had told himself this at least a dozen times now. But his mind continued to replay that horrible moment when he thought he"d lost Spock.

Unless - unless maybe it was the bond in his mind that was upset?

Kirk sat halfway up. Of course; it wasn"t him, it was the bond that was still worried about Spock and wouldn"t let him sleep. It was the bond that needed reassurance that Spock was fine.

Spock"s words echoed in his memory. You are my bondmate. My mind is open to you.

Kirk chewed on his lip for a moment. Maybe, just maybe, if he took the quickest peek in Spock"s mind, he could satisfy the bond enough to let him get some sleep?

Mind made up, Kirk flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling, wondering where to start. The logistics of telepathy were far outside his experience. But he was nothing if not accustomed to boldly going where he hadn’t gone before, so he closed his eyes and tried to focus on that warm feeling that lived in the back of his mind and connected him to Spock.

It was just like teleporting. One moment he was in his own mind, the next he was in Spock’s, surrounded and engulfed by a sense of his First Officer. It felt oddly familiar, like Kirk had been here a thousand times before. Like coming home to a home more welcoming than any Kirk had ever lived in.

It was clear that Spock was sleeping peacefully and not in any pain. Kirk – no, not Kirk, the bond, damn it – breathed a sigh of relief.

He was about to withdraw when something in Spock’s mind reached for him.

Kirk froze, uncertain of what to do. Spock was still fast asleep – of that he had no doubt. And Kirk, now that he knew Spock was fine, had no need to stay in Spock’s mind.

But something warm was stretching out to him, calling to him and wanting him to stay. And as Kirk hesitated, it enveloped him in affection, like being pulled into a sleepy mental cuddle. A sense of belonging filled Kirk, a sense of being wanted and cherished. It was a soothing balm to raw human feelings that were more accustomed to rejection. Spock’s mind calmed his, its logical order a welcome respite for his jumbled emotions and jangled nerves.

You got what you came for; now break the link, he admonished himself.

And yet he stalled another moment. It was - nicer than he had expected, being in Spock’s mind. Comforting, like having a warm cat asleep and purring on your chest. Something in Spock’s mind seemed sleepily delighted that he was there, and Kirk wasn’t used to Spock – or anyone, really – being glad to have him around.

But he would leave.

In a moment.

Fifteen minutes later, Kirk finally gave up any pretense that he was going to leave the haven of Spock’s sleeping mind. He rolled onto his side, pulled his blankets up to his shoulders, and let Spock’s mind cradle him to sleep.

*****

The next day, Spock gave absolutely no indication that he had been aware of Kirk’s presence last night. Kirk was very glad of this. He’d done it now, and with curiosity satisfied, and bond satisfied that Spock wasn’t hurt, he could move on with life and never do it again.

Except for the part where Spock’s brain, and the calm and comfort it provided, proved impossible for Kirk to resist.

Kirk went back for more of Spock that night. This time, Spock was awake and meditating, and Kirk nearly pulled out for fear of getting caught. There was no reaction on Spock’s end, however, and Kirk began to wonder if Spock’s mental block prevented him from feeling Kirk’s presence.

Tentatively, he moved deeper into Spock’s mind. Still no reaction.

Well, Kirk reasoned, as that welcoming warmth rejoiced that he was back and wrapped itself around him affectionately, if Spock can’t feel me, he’ll never know I’m here, and he said he wouldn’t mind it anyway.

And having reassured himself, he tugged Spock’s peaceful, meditative thoughts against his own like a security blanket and went to sleep.

Kirk snuck into Spock’s mind every night after that. He found himself daydreaming during slow periods on the bridge, wishing for the end of his shift when he could lie in bed and explore the Vulcan’s thoughts.

Spock slept significantly less than Kirk did and was usually awake during Kirk"s explorations, meditating or working. But since Spock never reacted to his presence or said a word during the day, Kirk felt reasonably confident that his night time assignations with Spock’s subconscious were going unnoticed.

On the seventh night, Spock was sleeping again, but this time he was dreaming. Kirk could not resist the allure of seeing Spock’s dreams and let the images fill his own mind’s eye as they no doubt filled Spock’s.

...high on a cliff, Spock looks down on the red sands of a fierce but beautiful desert. The hot sun shines on his face, but it is a welcome warmth that soaks into his bones and chases away the perpetual lingering cold. His back is against a warm rock wall, and cradled against his chest is a cool body, providing delicious contrast. He tucks his bondmate snugly into the “v” of his legs and holds him close, wrapping arms around his bondmate"s waist and resting his chin comfortably on his bondmate"s shoulder, protecting his human’s soft skin from the hot desert rocks and wind...

Kirk pulled out of the dream, understanding perfectly what he’d seen. Vulcan. Spock was dreaming about the two of them cuddling together on a cliff on Vulcan. It was such a simple dream, almost unbearably sweet. And it completely broke his heart, because it was a sweet, simple dream that could never come true.

*****

"Well, that was exciting," Kirk said, a few days later, as he stared down at the planet on the viewscreen. "It"s not everyday we have to fight a flamboyant omnipotent with a taste for frilly suits."

"Indeed." Kirk could feel Spock"s eyes lingering on his chest and arms. "Captain, you appear to have torn your shirt."

"What?" Kirk looked down to see his shirt in shreds. "Oh, damn it, you"re right. When did that happen?"

"I do not know," Spock answered distractedly, his eyes never leaving the tan skin visible beneath the remaining scraps of fabric.

Kirk raised his eyebrows as lust began to filter through the bond. Lust was less an emotion than a state of being and it seemed to be difficult for Spock to contain it completely. Kirk had obviously put some pounds back on in the right places. While Kirk usually didn"t mind an appreciative audience, he needed to get away from that contagious feeling of desire. "I"m gonna go shower," he said and strode off before Spock could protest.

But as Kirk showered in the adjoining bathroom that connected their room, Spock’s lust refused to die down. It continued to buzz in the back of Kirk’s mind, making it clear to Kirk that Spock had not stopped thinking about him.

He toweled off and pulled on some old sweats then headed over to his desk, thinking he would get a start on the paperwork the mission would require. He took a seat and tried to concentrate on the forms in front of him.

It was futile.

There was simply no way to focus on paperwork when powerful Vulcan lust just kept growing stronger in your mind. After ten unproductive minutes, Kirk was forced to stop even pretending to work when he realized he was gripping his stylus tight enough to turn his knuckles white.

He considered banging on the wall between their quarters and telling Spock to get it under control -

- or taking a peek at what had Spock all riled up.

Kirk sat up in his chair. Would he actually be able to see Spock"s fantasies? Surely not? And surely even if he could do it, did that really fall under the my mind is open to you offer that Spock had made? Fantasies were still private.

Except Spock had said that everything he was belonged to Kirk now. And he had to know that Kirk could feel all this lust and would be curious. And what would Spock fantasize about anyway?

Would he fantasize about Kirk?

Kirk"s eyes went wide.

He was stretched out on his own bed and in Spock"s mind less than five seconds later.

Spock drinks in the sight of his bondmate sprawled on Spock’s bed, clad only in his torn uniform shirt and his black boxer briefs. Jim is hard, cock straining against the fabric that traps it, and Spock bends down, letting his hot breath ghost over Jim’s stomach, knowing that it will feel even hotter against cool human skin.

Jim bucks up, trying to make contact, but Spock restrains him easily, pushing Jim"s hips down and holding him prisoner against the mattress - not hard enough to hurt, but firmly enough that his skittish mate will know that he is not allowed to escape.

Jim makes a series of unrestrained, emotional human noises that go straight to Spock’s cock. He yanks down Jim"s briefs, and in one easy move engulfs Jim’s entire cock in his mouth. Vulcans have excellent muscle control, so Spock does not worry about a gag reflex but only about bringing Jim pleasure.

“Holy shit,” Kirk heard himself say aloud, as if from a distance. “Holy – holy shit. Spock is – he’s fantasizing about – can he really do that?!”

Not only was he thinking about Kirk, but Kirk could tell from the pleasure in Spock"s mind that Spock was also touching himself - which meant that Spock was jacking off and thinking about Kirk.

It was, without a doubt, the hottest thing Kirk had ever experienced. It might also have been the biggest invasion of privacy conceivable, but an army of Klingons couldn’t have dragged Kirk away from Spock’s mind at this point.

Jim is seconds from coming when Spock suddenly stops. Curses stream out of Jim"s mouth, and Spock quirks an eyebrow in playful reprimand, privately enjoying the colorful words and unbridled human emotion. He has no intention of letting his human suffer, however, so he reaches for the small jar he now keeps by his bed. Vulcan saliva makes a terrible lubricant, so it is only logical that he coat Jim’s cock with something more suitable and slippery.

Jim is thrashing, so Spock restrains him again, grabbing Jim’s delicate human wrists and pinning them gently, but securely, to the mattress over Jim"s head. Spock straddles Jim, whose bright blue eyes widen in a beautiful show of human surprise. Slowly, he presses down, taking Jim inside him -

And Kirk forgot to breathe, because he could see the image in Spock’s head, and because he could feel that in real life, Spock was pressing his own fingers inside himself, pretending they were Kirk –

Jim is swearing again, but intersperses the invectives with words like so good and love you, which sound to Spock’s ears like beautiful Terran music. He switches from restraining Jim’s wrists to caressing Jim’s hands –

“Vulcan kisses, he’s giving me Vulcan kisses –”

– and watches the breathtaking interplay of emotions and pleasure on Jim’s face. He then pins both of Jim’s wrists with one single hand –

“Damn Vulcan strength – ”

- because he knows that what is about to do is going to overwhelm Jim’s human mind with pleasure and Jim will need to be restrained to stand it.

“ – overwhelm – oh shit, don’t stop, don’t you dare stop, Spock – ”

He reaches out with one hand and touches the cool, damp forehead of his mate to meld them, to connect their minds even more deeply than their bodies. And Spock speeds up now, unable to resist the siren song of a telepathic link with his mate –

Spock’s hand was moving more quickly now, and he was still fucking himself on his own fingers –

– and he links them fully, so that they hear each other’s thoughts and feel each other’s pleasure, twice what either is capable of alone, and when they come, it’s together, always together -

As Spock’s orgasm ripped through Spock, aided by potent telepathic powers and stronger than a human one, Kirk arched off the bed and came, cock untouched, from the vicarious pleasure he’d just experienced through their bond.

And afterward, as Spock drifted into a lazy and contented sleep while still tethered to Kirk, Kirk lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling, absently stroking Spock’s mind through their bond and wondering how one of Spock’s simple fantasies had turned into the best sex he’d ever had.

*****

11. Warmed

“Captain Kirk - ?”

Kirk stared across the bridge at his First Officer, who was calmly manning - or was that Vulcan-ing? - his science station as if he and Kirk hadn’t shared utterly mind-blowing sex the night before.

“Captain Kirk, if I could get your signature - ?”

Okay, it hadn’t been actual sex, but Spock had decided to use Kirk as his very own personal fantasy sex slave, and frankly Kirk thought that at least warranted some kind of awkward morning-after behavior.

“Captain, I just need that signature, if you could just sign here - just here - please - ?”

Really, it was just rude to fantasize about a person in that much detail and not even so much as –

“CAPTAIN.”

Kirk’s attention was suddenly caught by the petite blonde woman at his elbow, who was holding out a PADD with an expectant expression. “My apologies, yeoman,” he said, taking the PADD and giving her an apologetic smile. “I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

Her frustration vanished instantly. “Oh, that’s alright, sir.” She seemed a little dazed by Kirk’s smile.

He signed the PADD. “Here’s your signature,” he said, handing it back to her. Their hands brushed as she took it from him. “I hope I didn’t take too much of your time.”

“Oh, no, sir, not at all. I was enjoying the view – of space!” she quickly added. “It’s a nice view up here. Of space.”

Spock suddenly materialized at the other side of Kirk’s chair. “Thank you, Yeoman Danners. That will be sufficient.”

“Of course, sir.” Danners quickly left.

Spock calmly waited at Kirk"s side until the turbolift doors had shut behind her and then returned to his science station.

Kirk rubbed his eyes tiredly, reflecting ruefully that he"d spent way too much time thinking rather than sleeping the night before. Well, Spock, he thought, stifling a yawn, at least you know better than to be jealous of a starstruck yeoman.

I am endeavoring to improve my ability to suppress that particular emotion.

Kirk’s eyes flew wide open. “HEY!”

Several pairs of eyes turned to him in surprise. He waved them off. “Carry on,” he said out loud, with a smile.

As soon as the others had returned their attention to their tasks, he shot a glare at the back of Spock"s head. You said you shielded me from you!

If you recall, I did say I would remain able to hear thoughts directed at me. It seemed logical to make sure that I would hear you if you needed me or wished to speak with me.

Spock seemed to hesitate, and then added, It was not my intention to upset you. Do you wish for me to shield you from even this part of our bond?

Kirk caught a wave of resigned sadness from Spock as he thought this. Kirk sighed. Was it really such a big deal to have this kind of link? Especially if just the thought of blocking it made Spock so sad?

No. Saved your life once, didn’t it? We can keep it.

Thank you, Jim. Spock’s gratitude was sincere.

Kirk sighed again, a little embarrassed by what a softie he still was when it came to Spock. “Mr. Sulu, how far to the Neutral Zone barrier?” he asked.

“Eight hours, sir.”

Kirk nodded. They would be patrolling the edge of the Neutral Zone for the next three days. It was a dangerous mission as Klingon ships could appear at any time. Kirk had time for a nap – the last good sleep he would have until the patrol was over.

He stood and headed for the lift. “Mr. Spock, you have the con.”

“Acknowledged, Captain.”

Spock spoke out loud and with perfect politeness, but Kirk caught the tiniest wave of longing from him. He rubbed his temples resignedly. He was so damn Vulcan-whipped.

Let me know if anything changes up here.

At Kirk’s use of their telepathic connection, there was an unmistakable surge of pleasure down the bond. Of course, Jim.

Really, Kirk thought, as he stepped into the lift. I am such a pushover for that Vulcan.

Pushover? I do not believe I make a habit of pushing you, Captain.

Kirk had to smile. Spock was kind of cute sometimes.

*****

Two and a half days into the patrol and Kirk felt like shit.

His head pounded with an unrelenting migraine behind his right eye and his body ached like one enormous bruise. He was nauseous and had thrown up everything he’d tried to eat in the last twenty-four hours. And he was freezing cold, barely able to control his shivering even though he’d worn a thermal undershirt for warmth.

12 more hours. Then you can take your crew to a safer place and you can rest. You can do this, Kirk. He leaned forward in his chair and pressed a button. “Bones, how are we doing in sickbay?”

“Terrible,” Bones snapped back. “That flu that Yeoman Danners caught is highly contagious and it’s spread like a wildfire. The chills are the worst part. We got every bed in sickbay full just trying to keep these poor souls warm.”

Kirk forced his voice to be strong. “Is it deadly?”

“No. Thank heavens for small miracles. As long as we get them warm right away and keep their core body temperature from dropping, everyone seems to be recovering. We’re working on a cure now. Why?” Bones suddenly sounded suspicious. “Is someone on the bridge coming down with the flu?”

Kirk saw Spock swivel in his direction. He gripped the armrests of the chair tightly to stop any shivering. “No, we’re fit as fiddles, as you would say. Kirk out.”

He ignored Spock’s stare and tried to look as healthy as possible. Schooling any signs of discomfort off his face, he said, “Remain on alert, everyone.”

12 more hours...

*****

It took an age, but finally, finally their mission was over. The Enterprise had left the edge of the Neutral Zone for the safety of Federation space. Kirk breathed a sigh of relief from the depths of his being. “Chekov, get us out of here. Plot a course for the nearest Starbase. Ahead Warp 4.”

“Yes, Keptin.”

Kirk stood from his chair. His head was pounding so hard that black dots were creeping into his vision. His aching body protested each excruciating step – protested the movement of walking, the weight of his clothes, the painful touch of the air molecules. Carefully putting one foot in front of the other, he walked to the turbolift. “Mr. Spock, you have the con.”

“Yes, sir.”

As the doors slid shut, Kirk fell against the wall of the lift. His body shook violently from chills. “C-come on,” he said, hugging himself for warmth, his teeth chattering. He just needed to make it to his quarters. He had blankets there.

The doors opened on the officer"s deck which was luckily deserted. Slowly, clinging to the wall for support, Kirk staggered down the hall. The edges of his vision were now black and what little he could see was fuzzy. And he was so cold -

“Open,” he gasped at the doors of his room. They slid open immediately.

He managed six steps into the surprisingly warm space before he collapsed on the floor.

He had one thought before he passed out.

Spock

*****

Kirk awoke to a dark room and a blissful warmth beneath his cheek and chest. His shivering had stopped, and his headache was mercifully gone. His throat hurt, though, and he raised his head in hopes that he’d left a glass of water next to the bed.

The next moment, a straw was lightly placed against his lips. He sipped gratefully, the cool liquid soothing on his parched throat. After he’d drunk his fill, he pulled away and laid his head back against the warm pillow.

“Has your condition improved?” His pillow inquired. “Dr. McCoy gave you his newly-made cure. It should have alleviated the majority of your symptoms.”

Kirk blinked. “Spock?”

Not a pillow, then. In fact, he actually appeared to be sprawled directly on top of Spock, cheek against Spock’s chest, chest against Spock’s ribs and stomach. Spock’s arms were securely around him, his warm Vulcan hands resting comfortingly on Kirk"s skin. They both appeared to be at least shirtless - oh, wait was that a leg? Pantsless too, then.

How - interesting.

Kirk should separate them. And he was going to. In a moment. Once Spock stopped being so warm and comfortable. “Yeah, I feel much better. But what are you doing in my bed?”

“This is my bed, Captain.”

Kirk peered into the darkness. Although his view was a little skewed, since his head was horizontal on Spock’s chest, he could still see the Vulcan artifacts that decorated the room. “Oh. In that case, what I am doing in your bed?”

“You left the bridge without informing any of us that you were infected with the flu.” Kirk was pretty sure he heard a reprimand in there somewhere. “You then called for me through our bond. I found you on the floor of my quarters.”

“I came to your room instead of mine?”

“Yes.”

Kirk winced with embarrassment. “Sorry. I don’t know why I would have done that.”

“Do not be sorry. You were ill and sought shelter in my quarters. I am gratified by this.”

“Oh right,” Kirk said, still embarrassed. Why not just ask Spock for warm milk and a teddy bear while he was at it? “I’m sure you just love it when others barge into your room uninvited.”

“Others, no. But my bondmate may do as he pleases.”

And damn if Kirk didn’t find that sentiment sweet. He shoved the feeling away.

Spock continued his explanation. “When I found you, you were very ill and dangerously cold. Sickbay is full, so I arranged with Dr. McCoy to keep you here.”

Kirk lifted his head and stared. “You arranged with Bones to cuddle me naked in your bed?”

“We are neither of us completely naked. And Captain, skin-to-skin contact is a most effective way to increase human body temperature.” Spock sounded far too innocent to actually be innocent. “Perhaps if you had not pushed yourself to such an extent, I would not have been forced to unclothe us both and hold you so closely.”

“Touché,” Kirk murmured.

“Do not be concerned. Dr. McCoy has been here several times to check on you. He gives no warning and attempts to take me by surprise with his timing. I believe his goal is to protect you from any untoward actions on my part.”

Bones was trying to protect Kirk"s virtue? Southern Gentleman to the core.

“He also asked me to inform you that he is going to,” Spock cleared his throat, “spank you like the damn fool child you are.”

Kirk had to grin at Spock’s stiff but undoubtedly verbatim recital of Bones’s words. “He always threatens to spank me when he"s pissed. Don’t worry,” he hastily added, as he felt the first spikes of not-as-repressed-as-Spock-had-claimed jealousy in his mind. “He’d never actually do it.” He paused. “I don’t think.”

“It is illogical for a doctor to threaten a starship captain with a child’s punishment.”

Spock almost sounded petulant. Kirk struggled not to find it cute. “True, but he thinks I need a daddy.”

“He is only six years your elder. If you require someone who is close to your age to play a father figure to you, I will meet your needs. I will be your daddy.”

Kirk smothered his laugh in Spock’s chest. “That doesn’t mean what you think it means." He couldn’t help but imagine himself turned over Spock’s knee, getting spanked and calling Spock daddy.

Oh. Hey. That was hotter than he would have thought.

“Or if you require an actual father figure,” Spock continued, oblivious to Kirk’s sudden thoughts-turned-fantasy, “my father will soon be meeting you again. As you are my bondmate, I am sure he would not be adverse to –”

“Stop right there,” Kirk ordered, as his fantasy threatened to take a turn for the too-kinky-even-for-Kirk.

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Why do you wish me to stop? I was led to believe that on Earth, humans wish for their parents to be acquainted with their significant others. Have I been misinformed?”

“No, that’s generally – hang on. You want me to meet your dad as in meet your dad?”

“I do not understand the distinction.”

Kirk pulled back enough to look Spock in the face. “I mean, you want me to introduce me to your dad as your boyfriend? But that’s..."

Kirk trailed off. Spock looked at him curiously. "That is what?"

"...serious," Kirk finished awkwardly.

“Indeed." Spock seemed perfectly satisfied by the idea. "I am quite serious about our relationship.”

Kirk could only stare in bewilderment. “Spock,” he finally said, “I’m not the kind of guy a nice Vulcan like you should take home to Daddy.”

“Vulcans are not, as a general rule, considered nice by humans.”

“No, I don’t suppose you are. But that’s not what I meant. I meant that - well, you’re an Ambassador’s son, and brilliant, and respected, and I’m...” Kirk faltered.

Spock was watching him, his expression faintly puzzled but expectant.

Kirk tried again. “I’m...” He trailed off.

“Yes?”

A mess. Too broken to fix. “I’m not good for you.”

“Empiric evidence clearly supports the contrary position. You have been exceedingly good for me. My father is gratified by your presence in my life.”

“He can’t possibly be.”

“He is. Would your family not be pleased to hear about our bond?”

“My fam – ” The word stuck in Kirk’s throat. “I don’t think we should go there,” he said cautiously.

Kirk felt Spock’s shame through their bond. “I regret mentioning your father at your trial for the Kobayashi Maru,” Spock said softly.

“Forget it,” Kirk said, wanting to forget the whole topic.

“It was inappropriate. I believe it was what humans call a cheap shot.”

“Seriously, I don’t care,” Kirk said quickly, trying to bring the subject to a close. “Everyone says stuff like that to me. I get over it.”

Spock did not look happy with that answer. “Did your mother remarry?”

The conversation was getting too personal and going places Kirk didn’t want it to go. “Yeah,” he said tightly. “I have a stepfather.”

“Where are they stationed?”

Kirk closed his eyes. “Altair IV.”

“We were in orbit around that star system four weeks ago.”

Kirk didn’t open his eyes. “I know.”

“Were you given the opportunity to beam down to visit your mother?”

“I – ” Kirk shut his mouth. He didn’t want to talk about this. He’d had the opportunity. He’d offered. He’d been declined.

“Jim?”

Spock’s voice was too soft. Too concerned. The kind of voice you use for small hurt things, which Kirk wasn’t. And Spock’s body had its own assault on Kirk’s resistance, cradling Kirk tightly, like he was something precious. The back of Kirk’s mind was humming with concern and tenderness, pulling at Kirk like a magnet with its allure of love, affection, security -

Spock continued to claim they were bondmates, fucking soulmates, and that he was serious about Kirk, serious enough to bring him home to his dad.

He was such a beautiful lie.

It was going to hurt so much when he left.

Overwhelmed by the torrent of emotions flowing through him, Kirk sat up, freeing himself from Spock"s gentle grip. The sudden movement sent his head spinning, but he ignored it. He shifted smoothly to all fours, hands and knees on either side of Spock’s body.

“Jim, you are still ill, please lie down –” Spock reached for him.

Kirk grabbed Spock"s hands in his own, and pinned them down to the mattress next to Spock’s head. Spock’s eyes widened, and there was the smallest hitch in his breath –

Accompanied by a tide of lust that swept from the back of Kirk’s mind into his stomach.

Spock stared up at him, slightly breathless and clearly bewildered. “What are you doing?”

Kirk didn’t know what he was doing. He just knew that Spock made him feel raw and exposed and it had to stop.

So he didn’t answer. He kept one of Spock’s hands pinned to the mattress, but began to caress the other, remembering what he’d seen in Spock’s fantasy. His fingers skated across Spock’s fingers, across his palm, then back over his fingers. “Vulcan kisses, right?”

Spock continued to stare. He didn’t seem to know what to do. Spock’s lust was growing stronger in Kirk’s mind, throbbing every time Kirk squeezed Spock’s hand with his own.

Spock was confused and horny. Fine. Kirk would keep him that way.

“Jim,” Spock said, beginning to sit up.

Kirk wasn’t having it. “I can kiss like a Vulcan.”

Or suck your cock like a human.

There was a violent surge of lust through their bond. Spock’s eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed back against the mattress.

Jim -

Kirk bent and swiped his tongue over Spock’s stomach. Or maybe you’d prefer that I think you off like a telepath.

A harsh whine was torn from Spock. He so obviously loved and craved their telepathic connection, but with Kirk’s rules he almost never got to use it. Now, he was like a starving man at a feast, clutching at their bond greedily, trying to pull Kirk further and further into his mind.

Kirk dug in mental feet and resisted the pull. He let go of Spock’s hand and instead reached down to palm Spock’s hard cock through his briefs.

Spock’s reaction was immediate: he sat halfway up, forcing Kirk to let go and rock back to sit on Spock’s thighs. You - is it your intention to -

Well, I wasn’t going to scan it with a tricorder.

Spock’s eyebrows shot up. You are not ready for this step in our relationship.

Try me.

You are ill and weakened.

Kirk narrowed his eyes. His hand shot out and wrapped around Spock’s cock like a vise.

Who’s weakened?

There was a sharp intake of breath from Spock, but the stubborn Vulcan only sat completely up, shifting Kirk into his lap. He grabbed Kirk’s hands in both of his hands and pulled them off of his own body.

No, Jim. I desire you intensely but not until you trust me.

Screw trust. Kirk tried to pull his arms away, but Spock shifted their joined hands behind Kirk’s back, restraining him. Kirk jerked his arms, but Spock’s grip was like handcuffs. And screw your Vulcan strength.

We are not emotionally ready –

Screw your lectures, too.

Spock had Kirk trapped straddling his lap - which meant that one quick thrust of Kirk’s hips was all it took to bring their hard cocks together.

The touch was electric. Even through two thin layers of clothes, the pleasure shot through both of them, their hands squeezing each other"s tightly. The pleasure was greater than Kirk had expected, making him gasp.

Beneath him, Spock jolted –

– and Kirk felt it: a touch in his own mind, like the soft paw of a curious kitten. It touched his mind for a split second, sending a frisson of adoration exploding through him.

Spock swore in Vulcan, and the next second, the touch was ripped away viciously.

Jim, forgive me, I am sorry, I am still unaccustomed to lust and my control slipped away from me –

Kirk took a shuddering breath, the depth of what he’d felt still lodged in his stomach. Spock was filling his mind with apologies, and from the emotions suddenly crowding his head Kirk realized that Spock was truly frightened that he had committed an unforgivable trespass.

Forgive me, Jim, please, please, I cannot bear your anger or absence, please –

Kirk shook himself. I’ll forgive you – if you stop resisting me.

Spock stilled. You wish to trade sexual compliance on my part for forgiveness on your part?

Well...shit.

When Spock put it like that, Kirk felt like a complete dick. Of course he hadn"t meant it like that. Spock was refusing the sex he obviously wanted out of some misplaced notion that he was protecting Kirk. Which was bullshit; Jim Kirk was always ready for sex, and he sure as hell didn"t need to trust Spock to fuck him.

But in Spock"s inadvertent trespass, Kirk sensed a tactical advantage in their argument and pressed it. He"d already forgiven Spock for his innocent mistake, yes, and even if he hadn"t, he"d never withhold forgiveness for sex. But that wasn"t what he thought back at Spock across their link.

That’s right. Submit to me and I’ll forgive you.

Let Spock believe he was a twisted asshole. Maybe Spock would leave sooner.

Spock seemed torn. He still held Kirk firmly in place on his lap in a hold Kirk could never have broken. Their faces were inches apart, their hands tightly intertwined behind Kirk’s back.

Kirk squeezed Spock’s hands as hard as he could, knowing it wouldn’t hurt Spock.

Spock took a tense breath.

“Lie down, Spock.” Kirk"s whisper sounded so loud in the silence. “On your back. Let me do what I want to you and I’ll forgive you. Come on. I promise you’ll enjoy it.”

Spock’s eyes were barely visible in the darkness. It had not escaped Kirk’s notice that they were both still hard.

Finally, even as his reluctance to let go of Kirk came through the bond, Spock slackened his vise-like hold. Their eyes stayed locked as Spock brought their joined hands forward, between their stomachs, clasping Kirk"s hands only loosely now. And then, slowly, he obediently lay back against the mattress.

“No Vulcan strength. You have to be good. Do you understand?”

Spock nodded, although his inner turmoil was visible in his pretty brown eyes. Kirk felt a sharp pang at causing Spock such distress, but he forced it away. He tried to move his arms, and when Spock let him, Kirk brought their joined hands to his lips and kissed the back of Spock’s hand.

Spock shuddered.

Kirk slowly trailed kisses up to Spock’s knuckles, grazing his teeth lightly against the knuckle bones and watching with a strangely possessive surge of pleasure as Spock’s eyes fluttered shut. Kirk kept it up for a couple minutes; gently licking, sucking, and nibbling at Spock’s fingers with his mouth, teeth and tongue, listening as Spock’s breathing became heavier and feeling the lust in his mind throb.

I saw your fantasies of me, Spock.

Spock made a soft noise that was almost a groan, turning his head into the pillow as if he could hide from Kirk. A heady mix of Spock"s lust and embarrassment went through Kirk.

That’s right. I saw what you wanted to do to me, and you know you just did it, keeping me pinned on your lap. I think you’ve got a thing for holding me down.

Yes. Spock screwed his eyes shut, his hands pliant and soft in Kirk’s grasp, submitting to Kirk’s ministrations. It prevents you from escaping me.

Kirk swirled his tongue around Spock’s right index finger. Kinky Vulcan.

It is not a kink. You want to escape me because you do not trust me not to leave you. You do not trust me to keep my word.

Spock’s words hit too close to home for Kirk"s comfort. He narrowed his eyes and warningly caught Spock’s index finger with his teeth. You’re wrong. You don’t know anything about me.

I know you better than you think, Jim. You would run away from me if I let you, but I have no intention of ever letting you go.

Possessive bastard.

You are correct. I have claimed you. I will not relinquish my claim. I will not leave.

Such tempting lies. Kirk wanted Spock incapable of thinking things that would make Kirk’s emotional human heart ache. He let go of Spock’s hands, yanked down the front of Spock’s briefs, and in a smooth motion, closed his hand over Spock’s cock.

Spock’s hips jerked up and he groaned loudly. In an instant, he became helpless beneath a single human hand, and his inadvertent surrender was so fucking beautiful that it took Kirk"s breath away. There was evident surprise in Spock’s reaction, like he hadn’t known what to expect, or that he hadn’t known how good it would feel.

Kirk paused for a fraction of a second, staring down at Spock. Had Spock never - he couldn’t be such a complete virgin. Could he? Kirk shoved the thought away. Spock had been with Uhura for months. They had to have gone further than a quick handjob.

Kirk set a punishing, unrelenting pace, and after only a couple of minutes Spock was fighting not to come. Kirk could have guessed that from Spock"s body language, as the lean, defined muscles of Spock"s bare chest and stomach tensed and flexed. But it was even more evident from the bond in Kirk"s mind, which pulsed with a life of its own.

Kirk couldn"t tear his eyes away from the sight of Spock. He was gorgeous; pale as moonlight against the sheets with such graceful, long limbs; his beautiful face and body now so vulnerable and trusting under Kirk"s touch. Kirk could feel Spock’s pleasure building and doubled his efforts, watching raptly as his actions sent Spock tumbling over the brink.

When Spock came, to Kirk’s incredible shock, Kirk came with him. The orgasm ripped through Kirk out of nowhere, tearing a series of groans from his throat. A rush of emotions hit him – overwhelming adoration and affection – as strong as that first day he’d felt Spock in his mind.

Strong enough to completely overpower him. The muscles in his legs went weak and Kirk pitched forward, knowing that he was going to smack right into Spock nose-first and that it was going to hurt.

But Spock caught him before he could crash, easily holding up Kirk"s weight up and saving Kirk from a hard landing. Their eyes met. Spock’s were completely unreadable. Kirk knew his own laid his emotions bare, revealing every last nuance of his confused feelings. Heavy, too-fast breaths wracked his body. He was suddenly tired, and sick, and shaky, and uncertain.

Spock didn’t say anything. Instead, he tucked Kirk back down into the shelter of his body. This time, Kirk went without a fight. He let Spock gently arrange him so that he was cradled to Spock"s chest. Warm Vulcan hands moved from his biceps to his back as Spock’s arms encircled him. Kirk thought he heard soft words in Vulcan, but whether out loud or in his head, he didn’t know.

He fell asleep like that, cocooned in the safety of Spock’s warmth.

But when he woke, Spock was gone.

*****

12. Believed

Kirk slowly stood from the bed, feeling conspicuously alone. His clothes were folded neatly and had been placed on a nearby chair. He snatched them up but didn"t bother to dress as he slipped through the door to the bathroom that connected his quarters with Spock"s.

A brief shower washed away the lingering sweat and stickiness of the previous night. He went into his own quarters and pulled on a clean pair of sweatpants, then sat in front of his terminal and made a call he knew was needed. “Bones?”

His best friend’s concerned face appeared on the monitor nearly instantly. “You"re on sick leave until Alpha shift tomorrow and don"t you dare argue."

Despite the knots in his stomach, Kirk grinned. "Good morning to you too, sunshine."

"Ain"t no sunshine on this ship when the captain"s got the flu. How"re you feeling?”

“Fine. Your cure worked.”

“Of course it did. Would’ve worked better if I’d known you were sick sooner.”

“I couldn’t leave the bridge. You know that. Klingons – ”

“– could have been dealt with by your quite competent First Officer.”

Kirk tilted his head, silently accepting the scolding for what it was.

“Speaking of your First, did he keep his hands to himself last night?”

Kirk flushed as the memory came rushing back to him. "Er - "

Bones"s expression became murderous. “I’ll kill that pointy-eared son of a – ”

“No, it’s not what you think,” Kirk said hurriedly. “He did. He was a perfect gentleman. Gentlevulcan. Whatever.”

Bones raised his eyebrows. “Then what did you do?”

“I –” Kirk didn’t even want to say. In the harsh light of day, he was so ashamed. “I - didn’t.”

He couldn"t believe he"d used his the promise of his forgiveness to manipulate Spock. And it was obvious to Kirk now, as he replayed the memory, that Spock had been a total virgin; that he"d never engaged in anything like what Kirk had done to him before. Kirk didn’t know what he had been thinking last night, forcing Spock into that situation.

“And Spock went for it? I gave him a hard time, but between you and me, I got the sense that he –”

“I made him.”

Bones snorted. “Now I know you"re full of shit. You can’t make a Vulcan do anything.”

“You can if you know their weakness.”

"Ah," Bones said knowingly. "And while Spock only has one weakness in the entire galaxy, it conveniently happens to be you."

Kirk winced in guilt. "Bones." He buried his head in his hands. "I took advantage of a Vulcan virgin."

"Oh, buck up, kid," Bones said, a note of sympathy beneath his gruffness. "Weren"t you telling me that crazy Vulcan link in your head makes Spock all but irresistible to you?"

"But - "

"Besides, I"m sure he was only too happy to oblige. Way I understand it is he"s desperate for any morsel he can get from you and you"re the one doling out crumbs. The shoe is on the other foot, so to speak."

Kirk lifted his head enough to glare at his friend. "Not funny."

"I"m not trying to be funny," Bones said seriously. "I don"t think you have any clue how much power you have over Spock. You bat those baby blues of yours and that Vulcan would do anything for you, and that includes forgiving your fool ass."

Kirk"s glare did not let up. "He shouldn"t forgive me for this."

Bones sighed loudly. “I"m sure he already has. You’re so damn determined to drive him away. It’s not gonna work. Spock’s as stubborn as you are.”

“Shows what you know,” Kirk said, keeping his tone much lighter than he actually felt. “He was already gone this morning when I woke up.”

Bones looked exasperated. “He’s probably on the bridge, you mistrustful brat. Covering your shift so you could get some more sleep.”

Kirk drummed his fingers on the table for a moment. “Even if he is, I bet he’s mad at me.”

“I’m mad at you. If you think you can waltz around this ship hiding your illnesses from your doctor then – ”

Kirk’s console beeped. “That’s the bridge. You’ll have to finish your threat later, Bones.” He switched over, Uhura’s pretty face filling his monitor when Bones had been a moment before. “Kirk here.”

Uhura’s eyes swept over his bare chest, widening for a second. Kirk was too morose to even feel flattered. “Captain, we just received a transmission from New Vulcan. It’s for Spock. He’s taking it in one of the conference rooms. Sulu is in command up here.”

“Thanks for letting me know.”

“Of course. Jim, I –” Uhura hesitated.

Kirk stared. She so rarely called him Jim. “What?” he said warily.

She bit her lip. “It’s not my business, but I heard the transmission. I wasn"t trying to eavesdrop but- ”

Kirk understood what she wasn"t saying; that she spoke Vulcan fluently and understood what she heard. “And? What"s going on?”

She took a breath. “They’re calling all Vulcans home to the new colony.”

Kirk blinked. A strange numbness started to spread from his stomach up to his heart. “I see. Thank you, Lieutenant.”

“Jim –”

“That will be sufficient.”

Uhura"s eyes were soft and concerned. “Yes sir.”

Kirk cut the transmission. He stared at the blank screen for a moment. He was grateful for the numbness, because once the numbness faded, there was going to be searing pain in its place.

With Spock gone from the ship, it would be worse than at the beginning, when Spock had rejected him. At least then he"d been on the same ship as Spock, and been able to see Spock occasionally. When Spock left for the colony, he"d be gone. And there wasn’t any question about whether Spock would leave, especially after last night. Spock would probably jump at the chance to get away from Kirk, and simply block off their bond while he went about his life on New Vulcan.

And, Kirk realized, there really wasn’t any question about what he had to do either.

He stood up. With stiff, robotic movements he locked the door to the bathroom, and then locked the door to his quarters. He sat down in the middle of the floor of his room, cross-legged, and closed his eyes.

It was a simple matter to locate that warmth at the back of his mind, that fluttering thing that linked him to Spock. Without stopping to think, without letting himself chicken out, he grabbed it with mental hands and ripped as hard as he could.

He gasped loudly, as a horrible pain tore through his chest, as if someone had seized his heart and tried to pull it out through his ribs. An echoing stab of pain rammed through his head, like an ice pick had been jabbed in the back of his skull.

Jim, NO! What are you doing?

Spock’s voice echoed around his brain, and a jolt of Spock’s terror an down Kirk’s spine. Kirk centered himself and examined his mind. The bond was still there, but Kirk could tell he’d injured it. It almost seemed to tremble. He forced himself not to soften.

I’m sorry, Spock. But I can"t handle another rejection from you, I just can"t. It’s better this way.

And then with steely determination, he ripped at the warmth again, trying to mentally tear it in half. It hurt even worse this time, the physical pain stealing his breath away. He rubbed at the tears stinging his eyes. He could have sworn he heard something in his brain cry out.

Jim, stop! You will destroy the bond!

That’s what I’m trying to do.

Distantly, Kirk thought he heard a crash, but he ignored it, focusing on the battle in his head.

Why? I thought –

Uhura told me about the call from colony. I know you’re leaving me. I knew you would. Better this pain now than more pain later.

Jim, you are wrong –

Another distant crash. Kirk ignored that too.

I’m sure you’ll meet a wonderful girl on New Vulcan. And this way you’ll be free to bond with her. I’m doing you a favor, Spock. Can’t you see that?

He checked the back of his mind for damage. The bond was still there, but only just, reduced to something faint, hurt and whimpering. One more tear should sever it completely. Kirk braced himself for the pain –

But Spock was suddenly in his head, blocking him, a protective wall between himself and their bond.

You will not destroy it.

Get out of my head, Spock!

No.

Spock, get out!

“NO.”

Kirk’s eyes popped open just in time to see the bathroom doors forced open from a full Vulcan-strength kick.

“Spo –”

Kirk’s breath left him in a rush as Spock tackled him and his back slammed against the floor. Spock instantly straddled him and pinned him to the ground, and actually glared down at Kirk.

“You will cease your actions immediately.” Spock wasn’t even out of breath, the bastard. But he was as angry as Kirk had ever seen him. “You will not destroy it.”

Kirk glowered back up at Spock, seething. “Why are you stopping me? Do you love watching me suffer? You can block the bond off when you leave – I can’t!”

“I would not block the bond again,” Spock said evenly, “anymore than I would stop my own heart from beating. And I would not leave you anymore than you would abandon your lungs.”

Kirk tried to sit up. Spock shoved him unceremoniously back to the floor. “But New Vulcan –”

“Will survive without me. Whereas I would not survive without you.”

Kirk looked up distrustfully. “Like you could tell New Vulcan no.”

“I already have. Vulcans do not split bondmates. I informed the Council of our situation and I am not expected to leave you. I have no intention of ever doing so.”

Kirk tried again to break free. Spock put both hands on Kirk’s chest and held him down. Kirk’s struggles got him nowhere. “But last night – you can’t possibly want me after –”

“You do insist upon continuously testing me to see if I will leave.” Spock bent down, bringing their faces closer together. “Test as much as you please. I will warn you now: it is a futile effort on your part. I am excellent at passing tests.”

Kirk finally gave up physical resistance as futile, settling for glowering up at Spock.

“Incorrigible human,” Spock said. “Have you no concern for your own safety? Removing bonds is difficult enough for experienced telepaths. You caused yourself acute pain.”

“Better physical pain than emotional pain," Kirk said stubbornly.

“I would prefer that my bondmate experience neither. Particularly when both are completely unwarranted.”

Kirk made an irritated noise and closed his eyes. He realized that he could still feel Spock’s presence in his mind, poking around and checking the bond. He felt that strange sensation he’dexperienced once before, of his entire body being cradled in one of Spock’s hands.

“I thought you were keeping yourself out of my head.”

“You ripped apart my shields when you tried to destroy our connection. I am not currently in a situation conducive to rebuilding them.”

“Oh.” Kirk didn’t open his eyes. He could almost hear the and serves you right tacked on to the end of Spock’s sentence. “So...what now?”

Spock was silent, but the back of Kirk’s mind was buzzing as Spock continued to analyze him. Curious, Kirk re-opened his eyes to find Spock staring at him calculatingly. “Spock?”

“I am trying to determine if you are finished with your attempts to hurt something that is very precious to me.”

Kirk rolled his eyes. “Right. The bond. I forgot how much you love it.”

Spock’s eyes narrowed just a fraction. “I was speaking of you.”

Oh, Kirk’s lips formed silently. After a moment, he nodded.

Suspicion still flitted through Kirk’s mind, but Spock finally shifted his weight from Kirk"s thighs. He stood gracefully, and offered a hand down to Kirk. Kirk accepted, and let Spock effortlessly tug him to his feet.

Once they were standing, Spock reluctantly let go of Kirk"s hand. They stood for a moment, eyes almost level and only inches apart. Under Spock’s intense scrutiny, Kirk had to fight the urge to scuff his foot against the floor like a guilty little kid.

“You are stronger than I,” Spock said suddenly.

“Please. If you wanted to you could pin me with one hand. Don’t think I don’t know this, whether I want to admit it or not.”

The corner of Spock’s mouth quirked up. “This is true,” he agreed, not sparing Kirk’s ego one bit. “But I speak of the emotional, not the physical. I would not have survived a rejection from you. I would have not have been able to function had you treated me with the callousness I subjected you to after I first claimed you.”

“Spock, you didn’t know –”

“Do you believe that knowledge comforts me?" Spock said quietly. "I am in a hell of my own making. My own bondmate cannot trust me. He shies away from my touch and is convinced that at any moment I will abandon him." His soft brown eyes were shadowed with guilt. "I must watch as he chooses harming himself as preferable to having faith that I will stay."

Kirk folded his arms over his chest uncomfortably. "Come on. After everything that"s gone on between us, it"s logical for me to think you"d jump at a chance to go to New Vulcan."

Spock briefly closed his eyes. "Even now you suspect I lie to you. And the fault for your distrust rests entirely with me." Spock crept a little closer. "That my bondmate believes I would permit him to be alone again makes me ill, Jim. But I deserve it. And I know my pain is nothing compared to what you suffered at my hands.”

Kirk shrugged awkwardly. "Don"t worry about all that anymore. I’m not mad at you.”

“You should be. Love should not hurt.” Spock said this evenly, unemotionally. It made Kirk’s throat tighten nonetheless. “And those you love should not hurt you in return.”

Kirk squeezed his suddenly hot eyes shut, as Spock"s words hit too deep.

Spock gently touched Kirk"s cheek. "Surak"s teachings say regret is illogical. What is, is," he whispered, fingers ghosting over Kirk"s skin with infinite care. "Yet I cannot stop regretting that I hurt you, ashaya."

Kirk allowed the contact. "What does that word mean?"

In the back of Kirk"s mind came an equally gentle caress and a soft word.

Beloved.

Kirk swallowed thickly. "Why would you call me that?"

“It is how I think of you," Spock said, out loud. "And only one of many words."

Kirk bit his lip. "Waste of your brainpower, thinking about me."

"Never," Spock said sharply. "You are my bondmate, Jim. You deserve to be cherished.”

Kirk scoffed. “Well, you deserve a different bondmate, one who isn’t a broken –”

Kirk’s self-flagellation was cut short as he was suddenly jerked off his feet and upended over Spock"s shoulder. His shocked eyes took in the floor for only a second before his world spun again, as Spock flipped him bodily down on his back, this time on Kirk"s bed. Spock was back on top of him immediately, pinning his wrists next to his head and staring down at him with dark eyes.

Heart pounding from surprise, Kirk felt himself flush. “Uh - sorry?” he tried, unsure of what exactly had set Spock off. The bond at the back of his head was practically giving off sparks.

“There is no one for me but you. And for future reference, you may wish to refrain from suggesting that I would want a different bondmate. It appears to engender a reaction of possessiveness from me.” Spock cleared his throat. “A strong reaction.”

Kirk tried to sit up. Spock held him down firmly.

“Am I going to end up pinned by you every time we’re alone?”

Spock considered this. “It is possible.”

Kirk couldn’t help being a little worried by Spock’s matter-of-fact tone. And even more worried by his own growing hard-on.

He felt the press of Spock’s mental touch in his mind, and then Spock’s eyes swept over the length of Kirk’s body. When he looked back up, Spock"s pupils were dilated. “You are aroused."

Kirk shrugged, as much as he was able to. “I’m pinned to a bed by a possessive Vulcan who considers himself my boyfriend.”

“And this arouses you?”

Kirk winced. “Apparently.”

“Fascinating.”

Kirk tried not to find Spock’s obvious interest in him hot. He failed. “You know, as long as you’ve got me pinned to a bed and at your mercy..." He trailed off meaningfully.

Spock blinked. “You are offering yourself for my sexual pleasure.”

“Well, I probably wouldn’t have phrased it exactly like that - "

Spock seemed bewildered. “But you still do not trust me not to leave you.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” Kirk hedged. “It’s that trust is complicated. Sex is simple.”

Spock released his wrists, but instead of letting Kirk up, he lay down directly on top of Kirk so their stomachs and chests were pressed together. Spock folded his arms on top of Kirk’s chest, and then rested his head on his folded arms. He was heavy, but Kirk found it strangely pleasant, having Spock heavy and warm on top of him.

“On the contrary, I find human sexuality to be quite complicated.”

“And you don’t know the half of it,” Kirk said, remembering his brief spanking fantasy from the night before.

“I believe I would enjoy discovering what I do not know. However, it feels wrong to engage in intimate acts with my bondmate when he does not trust me.”

Kirk took advantage of the fact that his hands were now free, and ran them up Spock’s sides.

Spock shivered slightly, but didn’t stop him.

“Maybe I could convince you otherwise,” Kirk said, as he slid one hand beneath Spock’s uniform top and undershirt to rest on the warm skin of Spock’s lower back.

Spock’s breath caught. “I have no doubt that you could,” he said dryly. “My desire for you is quite overwhelming.”

“Mine too,” Kirk admitted softly. “I tried to blame it on the bond, but - ” He looked up at Spock, feeling uncharacteristically vulnerable. “It’s not really the bond, is it? It’s just me. Just me wanting you.”

Spock’s eyes were very soft when they met Kirk’s. “It is not about wanting. It is about having. You have me. I am completely yours.”

“Mine.” Kirk found that he kind of liked the sound of that. He put both hands on Spock’s bare skin and ran them up Spock’s back. “You’re mine.”

Kirk had said it softly, experimentally, but on top of him, Spock cast his eyes down and shivered again, and Kirk knew it wasn’t from his own cool touch. “Possessiveness is a Vulcan thing, isn’t it? You like it both ways. Owning and being owned both.”

Spock still didn’t meet his eyes, but against his hipbone, Kirk could feel him growing hard, and lust was beginning to trickle through their bond.

“Apparently,” Spock admitted, echoing Kirk"s dodge from earlier.

“Fascinating,” Kirk responded playfully.

Spock ducked his head in what had to be the cutest gesture of shyness Kirk had ever seen. And damn if there wasn’t something sexy about Spock growing hard just because Kirk had called him mine. “So this bond thing really goes both ways? You’re as much mine as you’ve claimed me as yours?”

“Since I unblocked our bond, have I given you reason to doubt that?”

Kirk thought about this – really thought about it, for the first time. Thought about everything that had happened with Spock since their bond had been unblocked, all the way down to the fact that he was currently being smothered by a Vulcan who claimed to belong completely to Kirk.

“No,” Kirk said honestly, with surprise. “You haven’t.” He swallowed thickly, suddenly feeling that this moment, and this realization, were hugely important. “You really turned down the Vulcan colony to stay with me?”

Spock nodded solemnly.

And at that, something in Kirk unclenched, like a knot he hadn’t known was in his chest coming untied, or a weight he hadn’t known he was carrying suddenly lifted from his shoulders.

He reached up and took Spock’s face in both hands, and kissed him.

Spock all but melted into Kirk. He lifted himself up to return the kiss eagerly, if a little lacking in skill. Kirk buried his hands in soft black hair, and then rolled them over. Spock put up no resistance, allowing Kirk to flip him on to his back and settle between his legs.

As they kissed, Kirk could feel the bond in his head healing itself. Despite feeling awkward and mentally clumsy, he sought the warmth in his mind and tried to help it heal.

His efforts earned him a rush of joy through the bond from Spock, who suddenly flipped Kirk back over and kissed him urgently. Kirk grinned into the kiss, and then pushed Spock over onto his back again, enjoying the playfulness of rolling each other around on the bed.

You like the bond, don’t you?

Spock"s mental presence sparked pleasantly at Kirk’s use of their psychic connection. Kirk nipped at Spock’s pointed ear tip, making Spock jolt. You love that I can feel our bond. You love it when I use it to talk to you. Admit it, you little telepath.

In response, Spock tugged at the waistband of Kirk’s sweats. Kirk helped Spock strip them off, leaving him naked.

I admit nothing. And your interrogation techniques are quite unethical, Jim. My ears are highly sensitive.

I’ll have to keep that in mind.

Spock quickly shed his own clothes, matching Kirk in nakedness, seeming to crave the sensation of bare skin against bare skin even more than Kirk.

Not just a telepath, but a touch telepath, Kirk reminded himself, wondering just how sensitive that made the many inches of Spock’s skin.

Very. But only to your touch.

Because you’re mine.

Spock shuddered and pressed closer. Yes.

He suddenly flipped Kirk over, onto his back, using just enough strength that Kirk’s stomach did a pleasant little flip. I desire you.

I’m yours for the taking. Kirk projected a picture of his bedside drawer, where he had a small tube of lubricant from a previous shore leave.

Spock hesitated. I do not wish to hurt you.

I’m not made of glass.

Spock broke the kiss and pulled back. He traced his fingers over Kirk’s face. Not made of glass, no. But you are fragile.

Kirk rolled his eyes and sat halfway up on the bed, propping himself up on his elbows. Only to you. I promise I won’t break.

Too many things in your life have almost broken you. I am ashamed to be one of them. I will never do so again.

Spock...

Spock moved his hand to cradle the back of Kirk"s head. You will believe me some day, Jim. He pressed a kiss to Kirk"s forehead. It felt like a vow. You will trust me. Because no matter how long that takes, I will still be here.

Kirk suddenly had a huge lump in his throat. Will you fuck me now? he asked, his emotions too overwhelming to deal with. If you"re really worried, you can be in my head and make sure it doesn’t hurt.

There was a rush of hope through the bond. You would not be upset by my presence in your mind?

Kirk shook his head. Spock’s delight swept through the bond and then –

Oh shit. Kirk’s eyes rolled back into his head, and he fell back against the mattress with a groan. Fuck – that’s – holy shit –

Your surprise is illogical. You are aware that the human mind is where pleasure is actually experienced. Why did you not expect that I could impart pleasant sensations telepathically through our bond?

Kirk twitched. His hands clawed uselessly at the sheets as Spock did something incredible directly to his brain. His cock throbbed. Pleasant sensations. What an understatement.

It is a perfectly accurate –

Spock. Fuck me before you make me come with your brain. That’s an order from your captain.

Spock only raised his eyebrow, before sending another rush of inhuman pleasure streaming directly into Kirk’s mind.

“Fuck!” Kirk grabbed one of Spock’s hands and sucked two of Spock’s fingers into his mouth. Then it’s an order from your bondmate.

Spock groaned loudly and Kirk felt his lust flow through their bond. Spock fumbled for the drawer with his free hand, not withdrawing his other hand from Kirk’s mouth. Kirk grinned, and mercilessly sucked Spock’s fingers harder.

Spock swore in Vulcan, and then those fingers were jerked out of his mouth, replaced by Spock’s tongue a second later. As they kissed, Kirk felt a wet finger slowly pressing inside him. He arched into it, and then Spock broke their kiss and shifted on the bed.

"Why"d you - oh."

Kirk found out why Spock had stopped kissing him when Spock’s outrageously hot mouth suddenly engulfed his cock – his entire cock. Kirk cried out and sat up on the bed, only to have Spock shove him back down with only his free hand.

You must relax, ashaya. I refuse to hurt you.

But –

Spock withdrew his finger, and then pushed back in with two slick ones. With his cock halfway down Spock’s throat and being licked by a hot tongue, and with Spock’s mind probing and stroking his own, pain was the farthest thing from Kirk’s mind. He welcomed the sensation of being filled, and when Spock pressed his fingers against Kirk"s prostate, Kirk nearly came right then and there.

Spock seemed to sense this and eased off, letting Kirk recover. But he continued to fuck Kirk with his fingers, until Kirk was going crazy with want for the real thing.

Spock, come on, quit teasing me.

There was a pause. My apologies. I did not mean to keep you waiting. Spock sounded slightly guilty. My hands are quite sensitive. I was - enjoying myself.

That’s - kind of kinky. And extremely hot.

Kirk filed that knowledge away for future use, even as Spock withdrew his fingers. He pulled his mouth off of Kirk and crawled forward, lying chest-to-chest, stomach-to-stomach on top of Kirk as he had done earlier. Except this time, he hooked one arm under Kirk’s leg and then gently pressed inside.

Nothing they had done previously had prepared Kirk for this. Spock entered his mind as deeply as his body, and the sensations became one and the same, utterly indistinguishable. And as his body was filled, Spock’s affection seemed to seek out and fill every last empty, lonely place in Kirk’s mind.

He heard soft words in Vulcan with both his mind and ears, and Kirk finally understood that Spock wasn’t talking to a separate thing in his head – but to him. To his bondmate.

Pleasure built and built, and just when Kirk thought he might explode – he did, in the most sublime rush of pleasure he had ever felt, and he left all conscious thought behind as the world turned white and his blood thundered in his ears. He heard himself gasp Spock’s name, and heard Spock’s answering cry and knew that Spock had come with him.

A few seconds – or maybe minutes? Or even hours? – later, Kirk heard his name again.

“Jim?”

“Mmph.”

“Jim, are you functional?”

Kirk cracked open one eye to see Spock staring down at him with what might have been concern. “Sort of,” he said, closing his eyes again.

He heard movement, felt the mattress dip, and then he was gathered up into Spock’s arms and rolled on his side, cradled against a warm chest. He sighed in contentment, slinging one arm across Spock possessively. He felt blankets pulled up around them and tucked in around his shoulders. One of Spock’s hands gently stroked his hair, while inside his head he could feel Spock stroking his mind through their bond.

Kirk pulled Spock a little closer and pressed his face against the Vulcan’s chest. “You’ll stay?” he asked, aware that his voice had hitched, hating how vulnerable the question made him feel.

Spock kissed his head. “Yes, th’y’la,” he answered softly. “Always.”

And Kirk thought that, this time, he might, just maybe, believe him.

*****

~*Finis*~