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Jeonghan’s sitting in an airport bathroom, crying.
He doesn't know where the bathroom is, and can't remember the way he walked to get here. He was shopping with a few of the others, pretending to be interested in the duty free stores and then had looked to the side and realized Joshua was distracted behind a row of clothes, and another quick look around had shown him that nobody else was looking at him either. He could just slip out, unnoticed.
Jeonghan knew it was his moment to run. It was so sudden, a flash of adrenaline so quick he hadn't even processed the thought before he was leaving the store, and then he was here, in a vaguely gross bathroom, crying.
He doesn't even know why he’s crying. The intense dread had come on so suddenly, but it’s been slow cooking all week. The nerves of another tour, the bone-deep tiredness that he knows is only the beginning. He doesn't want to get on the plane. He so badly, so extremely, does not want to get on a plane.
He leans forward, resting his face in his hands to gasp one noisy breath after another and is so thankful his brain has brought him to a single room toilet, where there’s nobody else around to hear him. After leaving the store he had just wanted to be alone, walking on autopilot until he was here, locking the door behind him and sitting down with his back against it for good measure.
He thinks he might be having a panic attack, but that’s not right, that’s Seungcheol’s thing, not his.
How long has he even been in here? He digs around in the pocket of his coat for his phone, and realizes maybe that’s why he’s sweating. He’s still in his puffer jacket, mask pulled down to his chin. The neckline of his hoodie is wet, has he been crying that much? His face is so hot. He struggles out of his coat and finally gets a grip on his phone.
Joshuji
09:03 Where did you go?? You left your bag?
09:05 Jeonghan?
09:06 If you wanted to go to the bathroom you
could have taken your bag? I have it
btw..
09:15 Heading back to the airport lounge
09:30 Jeonghan seriously, where are you?
Two missed calls: Seungcheollie
Seungcheollie
09:30 ??? Jeonghan
Thirty minutes. He’s been in here at least thirty minutes. It feels like not even ten have passed. Jeonghan looks around the bathroom, baffled. He re-reads Joshua’s texts, resting his head against the door as he pulls his collar away from his neck. He feels like he’s suffocating. He can’t believe he just left his bag there, he doesn't even have his wallet, his passport.
His thumb hovers over Seungcheol’s name for a second before clicking. His legs feel like jelly, something is so wrong with him.
“Where the hell are you?” Seungcheol answers on the first ring. “ Joshua says you just disappeared, we’re all in the lounge waiting, Jeonghan you can’t just leave your bags your passport is in there what if-” Jeonghans throat clicks on a sob.
“ Han?”
“I d-don’t know,” Jeonghan forces out.
There’s a pause, and it’s quieter now, there’s less background noise and it makes Jeonghan feel better. Seungcheol must be moving away from other people and it helps Jeonghan breathe easier, he doesn't want anyone else to know he’s here.
“ What do you mean you don’t know? Where are you?”
Jeonghan sobs, scrunching his face up. He feels gross.
“Hey, hey,” Seungcheol whispers, “what’s going on?” He doesnt sound mad anymore, and that’s good. Jeonghan doesn't want Seungcheol to be mad at him, he just wants to know what’s happening. Why doesn't he know what’s happening?
Jeonghan presses his lips together, tries to get his thoughts together, but it’s like his brain is tripping over itself.
“I just don’t know,” Jeonghan cries. “I don’t w-want to get on the plane.”
Seungcheol hushes him gently, and Jeonghan presses a hand over his chest. His heart is beating so fast, he feels sick, almost like he’s drunk.
“I don’t want to get on a plane,” he repeats, just in case Seungcheol doesn't know. It’s all he can think about, not getting on the plane. Not going anywhere. He just wants to stay here.
“You don’t have to go anywhere right now Jeonghannie, just try to take a deep breath, okay? You’re hyperventilating.”
Jeonghan blinks hard, is he? He puts a hand on his chest, watching it move up and down. How long has that been happening? “Everything feels bad.”
“I know,” Seungcheol soothes, “I’m heading to the store Joshua said you left from. Are you in the bathroom? I'm going to come and get you, it’s okay”
Jeonghan thinks hard, nodding. It makes him dizzy. “Yeah, no stalls.”
“No stalls? Okay, there’s a few around there but just hold tight, I’ll find you.”
“Cheollie?” Jeonghan asks, “you’re coming to get me?”
Seungcheol hums, “yeah baby I’m coming to get you, you’re okay.”
“I’m not,” Jeonghan chokes out. “Something’s wrong.”
“I think you’re just freaking out Hannie,” Seungcheol comforts, “but you’ll be okay. I’m nearly there. Do you remember which way you turned when you left the store?”
Jeonghan closes his eyes, tries to remember. He was so focused on just getting away from everybody, but maybe-
“I think-” he tries. “There was a toy store?”
“Okay I-” Seungcheol starts, “yeah, I think I know where you are. I can see it.”
Seungcheol goes quiet for a minute, and Jeonghan holds his phone tightly to his face, but still nearly drops it when somebody knocks gently on the other side of the door.
“Jeonghan?” Seungcheol asks, through the phone but also from behind the door. “Are you in here?”
“Yeah,” Jeongan whispers, suddenly unsure. He had wanted Seungcheol, but now he’s here, and Jeonghan feels stupid for being so scared.
“Can I come in?” Seungcheol asks. “We don’t have to go anywhere. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” It’s only Seungcheol, Jeonghan tells himself. He wouldn't make Jeonghan do anything he didn't want to.
“...Okay,” Jeonghan whispers, after a pause, letting himself have another moment, hanging up his phone before reaching up behind him to flick the lock. His fingers are shaking, bouncing off the latch a few times before he manages to get it open, shuffling backwards as Seungcheol lets himself in.
As soon as he’s in the room he turns to lock the door again behind him, immediately crouching down beside Jeonghan, resting a sure hand on his shoulder. His eyes are so big and concerned. Jeonghan bursts back into messy tears.
“Hannie,” Seungcheol croones. “Can I give you a hug?”
Jeonghan nods, leaning into him, he just wants whatever is happening to stop. Seungcheol has one of his oversized cozy hoodies on, and Jeonghan smushes his face into it, holding onto him with tight fists. He doesn't have any brain space left to be embarrassed about it, he just wants to calm down.
“Why do I feel so bad?” Jeonghan moans, trying to force his body to mold into Seungcheol’s.
“I think you’re having a pretty intense anxiety attack,” Seungcheol explains, rearranging them both into a more comfortable position.
“Noo,” Jeonghan whines, “I’m not.”
Seungcheol strokes up his back, squeezing at his shoulder. “Okay,” he soothes, “you’re not. Just take a big breath.”
Jeonghan tries, coughing as the air gets stuck in his throat. Seungcheol tries pushing him back a little, but Jeonghan whines at him again.
“It’s okay,” Seungcheol whispers, kissing at the top of his head. “Try again.”
Jeonghan shakes his head, squeezing his eyes closed when it makes the room tilt.
“I can’t get on the plane.”
“Stop thinking about the plane, just focus on calming down first. Nothing bad is happening.”
“It is,” Jeonghan moans, “I can’t do it.”
“You can,” Seungcheol reassures, “you’re not getting on a plane right now, you’re just sitting here with me.”
Jeonghan sniffles. “But I have to today.”
Seungcheol hums. “Maybe today, but not right now. Right now you just have to focus on calming down, and then we can talk, okay?”
Jeonghan sobs, bringing his hands up to hide in them. He presses his fingers against his forehead, holding his breath in between his gasping, hiccuping as it finally starts to slow down.
“There you go,” Seungcheol whispers, “you’re okay.”
Jeonghan nods, even though he’s not. He forces out some deep breaths, trying to stop shaking as Seungcheol runs his hands up and down his arms. He tries to smile, baring his teeth into a grin that usually makes him feel better. It’s what he does when he feels sad, smiles at himself to try and make himself feel something else, but his lips are wobbly. His face still feels numb, and he can’t get past a grimace.
At least he’s not choking now, Jeonghan thinks, as he pulls back to look at Seungcheol. Seungcheol’s eyes are watery too, and Jeonghan notices his hands are trembling where he’s still half holding Jeonghan up. God, he hopes Seungcheol isn't about to have a breakdown too, Jeonghan really doesnt think he could console him this time.
But Seungcheol just smiles at him, gives him a little shoulder pat.
“You feeling better?” he asks, reaching behind him to grab some tissue paper. He starts to mop Jeonghan's face up for him, tenderly dabbing underneath his eyes and Jeonghan starts to feel the hints of mortification seep in, so he takes the tissue to do it himself.
Jeonghan nods again, even though he isn't sure he is. He can breathe, sure, but he still doesn't want to go anywhere. The lump in his throat is so big he can’t swallow around it, and his teeth are chattering.
“Where’s Shua?” he asks instead. “I’m sorry I just left him with my stuff.”
Seungcheol wraps Jeonghan's discarded coat around his shoulders, rubbing his arms to try and warm him up. His lips are pushed out into a pout. “I’m sorry for getting mad on the phone, I didn't realize you weren't feeling good, I should have known you wouldn't just leave your bags and go.” Jeonghan pokes at his lip until he smiles again. “Shua is with the kids. He showed me where you left him and then went back, I didn't think you would want anyone crowding you. He’s fine.”
Jeonghan nods again. It’s all he feels he can do.
“Han..” Seungcheol starts, and Jeonghan closes his eyes. “Do you want to tell me what's going on?”
Jeonghan shrugs, nods, sighs. The lump in his throat is too big, and a few tears fall down his cheeks even with his eyes closed. Seungcheol is quick to brush them away with his fingers,
“Why can’t I stop crying?” Jeonghan groans, sniffing quietly. “I was in that shop, and I just didn't want to go. So bad. I know I have to,” he interrupts Seungcheol as he opens his mouth, “but I just -, I panicked.”
“I wasn't going to say you have to.” Seungcheol frowns. “Why don't you want to go? I’m listening.”
Jeonghan sobs, pressing his hands to his chest. He’s so frustrated.
“We have to go,” he says instead, “I just have to stop crying first.”
“Hannie,” Seungcheol crones.
“I sound so ungrateful,” Jeonghan starts, “but I’m so tired,” he cries, and Seungcheol is quick to shake his head. Jeonghan presses his hand against his eyes so he doesn't have to see it.
“You don’t, we all get tired,” he rushes, pulling Jeonghan’s hand away from his face to link his fingers with his instead. “Han, I’m tired. I’m so tired.”
“But you’re not hiding in a bathroom crying,” Jeonghan moans, and Seungcheol laughs shortly, pointing at his own red eyes.
“It’s not the same,” Jeonghan continues, bordering on hysterical, “you’re crying for me, I’m just crying for myself.” He sobs, coughing around it.
“Hey.” Seungcheol sobers. “you’re getting worked up again,” he shushes. “Come here, give me a hug.”
He drags Jeonghan back in, and Jeonghan rests his head against Seungcheol’s shoulder, letting himself cry it out.
“I’m sorry things are so hard right now,” Seungcheol whispers, “but I’ve got you. I promise you’re going to be okay.”
“How?” Jeonghan whines. He feels like a baby, but he’s exhausted.
“I’m going to get you on the plane, and you’re going to sit beside me,” Seungcheol hums, “and we’re going to watch a movie, maybe we can watch that new one you’ve been waiting to watch? And then we’re going to sleep.” He soothes, “and then when we get to the hotel, we’re going to sleep more.”
Jeonghan sniffs. “Yeah?” he asks, pressing his nose into Seungcheol’s neck even though it’s probably gross.
“Yes, you’re going to sleep, and I’m going to make sure everything is okay.” He rocks them a little back and forth, and Jeonghan knows he should be embarrassed. Mortified even, but he’s just so tired.
“I can get on the plane,” he whispers after a while, letting himself calm down. “I can sit with you?”
Seungcheol nods. “You’re sitting with me.”
“You’ll look after me?” Jeonghan pouts, cringing at the real tremble in his voice. It doesn't come off as a joke.
“Yes.” Seungcheol still laughs softly, squeezing him. “Of course I will, and I heard the hotel has a really good pool, we have tomorrow morning to ourselves. Maybe we could lay by the pool and watch Mingyu and Seokmin try to drown each other? Wouldn't that be relaxing?”
Jeonghan snorts, leaning back to wipe at his face. “As if you won't be in there drowning them yourself.”
Seungcheol shrugs, smiling innocently. It makes Jeonghan laugh before grimacing. “Ugh, how bad do I look?”
“You never look bad.” Seungcheol sighs. “Pretty Hannie.”
Jeonghan rolls his eyes at him, and Seungcheol sticks out his tongue, gathering himself to stand up before reaching a hand down to help Jeonghan up too. He wobbles a little, legs asleep from sitting on the floor too long.
“Wash your face with some cold water,” Seungcheol says as he steadies him, “you’ll feel better.”
Jeonghan nods, doing as he says. It does make his face feel better, even if it doesn't completely cure him, and when he’s dry he looks back expectantly at Seungcheol, who’s leaning against the door waiting for him. Jeonghan has a sudden realization that he’s been in here for at least an hour, and hopes nobody else has been waiting to use the restroom while he’s been busy having a breakdown.
He sighs, taking the deepest breath he can manage, trying to assess his feelings. He does feel better about leaving, even if seeing the others is making him nervous. He’s Jeonghan, he doesn't usually do this kind of thing.
“Is anyone going to ask questions?” he asks, frowning down at the floor.
“Nobody will ask anything, just how you wouldnt if it was them. Everyone struggles with things Jeonghan, you know that.”
Jeonghan nods, he does know that.
“Just take your time.” Seungcheol continues, “you’ll feel even better sitting in a comfy chair, and I think you have some time to get some food if you wanted,” he tries, but Jeonghan winces, and Seungcheol hums sympathetically. “Yeah, I know,” he says. “It sucks.”
Jeonghan nods, agreeing. “Sucks.”
Seungcheol smiles at him, holding out his hand. “Come on, let’s get some fresh air, you’ve been cooped up in here for ages,” he starts. “You look fine Han, I’m serious,” he adds when Jeonghan hesitates.
Jeonghan reaches out to link their fingers together. Better to just get it over with, he thinks, as Seungcheol opens the door and waits for Jeonghan to step out first. He keeps his fingers linked with Seungcheol until they get to the lounge door, and afterwards when he’s found a quiet chair to sit in near the window.
It’ll be fine, he thinks, staring out onto the runway, watching the planes take off with half closed eyes. It’ll be fine.