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During the off-season, with Keeley working her arse off at her new firm and Roy in Marbella and Ted in Kansas and Beard who-knows-where with Jane, Rebecca decides to start therapy. She doesn't tell anyone, not sure how to bring it up, worried what people might say. For so long she had a mental block against it, and many of her closest friends know that. She doesn’t want to make it into a thing, just wants to put in the work. She almost tells Sassy, during one of their now-weekly phone calls. She thinks that of any of her friends, the one who herself is a fucking psychologist, she'd be the least judgey. But Rebecca also knows her friend, so she keeps silent.
So she keeps her mouth shut and just puts in the work. It's hard, possibly the hardest thing she's ever done, after divorcing her cheating husband and starting her life over in her mid-forties.
She likes her therapist, Dr. Holmes. The woman is kind with her, but also doesn't often let Rebecca off the hook. They spend Rebecca's first few sessions discussing her marriage. Rebecca has never considered herself a victim, and Dr. Holmes doesn't push her to call what she went through abuse. ( It wasn't, Rebecca says, he never… Other women have had it much worse… )
They focus more on Rebecca, then Rebecca-and-Rupert. Dr. Holmes asks her about what her life was like when she was married, how it's improved since the divorce, what ways she hopes it keeps improving. They talk a lot about how what Rebecca had thought was “free time” was actually Rupert controlling what she did or manipulating her into doing what he wanted. After her sixth appointment, Dr. Holmes gives her homework.
"I want you to think about the pieces of yourself he took from you, over the course of your marriage. To start, think about things like hobbies you enjoyed, activities that made you happy that you used to do but stopped doing. I want you to try to do one thing you enjoy, every week just for yourself."
Rebecca drives herself home, thinking about things she used to enjoy doing. She's slightly embarrassed, it takes a minute for her to really remember a time when she did things just for herself, because she genuinely liked doing them.
She used to draw. In school she'd spend her classes filling her notebooks with more doodles than actual notes. She'd draw pictures of her friends, the flowers her father filled their back garden with. She thinks (hopes) there's still a box of sketchbooks in her old closet in her mother's house.
She had wanted to major in art history at university, but her father had forbidden it, saying it was a frivolous major that wouldn't actually get her a job. So she studied business instead, but spent her weekends walking through museums and sketching the masterpieces hanging on the walls.
Rebecca thinks she could start doing that again. There's a small unassuming arts and crafts store on the Green that Rebecca walks to one Saturday, the sun warming her as she makes her way down the cobblestone road. There's a young woman who greets her when she walks through the door, bright-eyed and smiley. Rebecca, to her almost immediate horror, offers the young woman a wave. She wanders the small shop, spots a display of crafting kits. There's embroidery kits and crochet kits. Her eyes are drawn to the needle felting kit, pictures of tiny felted animals staring at her. There's a panda, and she can perfectly imagine the little guy sitting on Ted's desk at the clubhouse.
She moves on from the display, grabs a sketchbook, a pack of charcoal pencils, and a couple pens.
She tells Dr. Holmes at her next appointment that she went out and bought some art supplies.
"That's good, Rebecca. Were you able to start using them?"
Rebecca picks at her blouse, flicking a non-existent piece of lint from the fabric.
"Not yet. I…"
She doesn't know really why she hasn’t. It's not that she doesn't have the time, she does. Therapy is pretty much the only thing she does outside of work right now (and yes, she knows how that sounds). She's just…what if she's not as good as she used to be? What if it doesn't make her feel the way it used to?
She tries her best to explain this to Dr. Holmes.
"Art doesn't have to be good to be good for you, Rebecca. Not everything you make has to be a masterpiece. Make ugly art. Sing badly. Read a book halfway through and then if you hate it, stop."
Rebecca nods, thinking about this. She's never been okay with not being the best. Hell, the foundation of her friendship with Sassy was competition. And Rupert never accepted anything less than perfection. Even when she was a child, she knew her parents expected more from her, always.
But maybe it would be nice to do something regardless of the outcome. Just to do it for the sake of doing it, because she enjoyed it.
After her therapist appointment, when she gets back to Richmond, she walks on the Green. Her sketchbook and pencils are in her bag, and she pulls them out when she takes a seat on one of the benches. She opens the book, takes a deep breath, and starts.
After that day, sketching on the Green becomes her after-therapy ritual. She draws the young people playing football, an older couple holding hands as they walk, the buildings across the way from her. Soon, her sketchbook is filled. She returns to the same small shop to pick up a new one, the same girl greeting her from the counter. The crafting kits are still on display, and she grabs the last needle felting one without letting herself overthink it.
In between work and therapy and sketching on the Green and visiting museums all across the city, she attempts to create tiny animals from the soft felt. Her first attempt is a wonky turtle. She laughs at the little guy, snapping a photo and sending it to Nora. Her goddaughter responds immediately with a series of heart-eye emojis.
She feels proud, telling Dr. Holmes about the menagerie of felted friends she's been making, the sketchbooks she's filled.
"Great job, Rebecca." Her inner teacher's pet preens at the praise. "So what are some other things you used to do that you want to try again?"
That preening part of her wilts. She had felt so good, drawing again. Hadn't even thought about anything else she had once enjoyed.
"It's okay if you don't know. Take some time to think on it, and come back next week with an idea or two."
On the drive back to Richmond, she decides to take a detour. She selects one of her favorite playlists, filled with songs Ted and Keeley had recommended to her, and turns the radio up. She lets herself get lost on side streets and in neighborhoods unknown to her. And then it hits her. Driving .
When she was 15 she had begged her father to let her start practicing driving. They had a number of fancy luxury cars in their garage, but Rebecca was almost always taxied around by a professional driver. Her mother had tsked at her, saying whatever would you want a license for, Sausage?
For freedom, of course.
Once she had it, she and Sassy would drive for hours, wasting whole days in the car going nowhere. They'd talk, or sit in silence while the radio played. When she married Rupert, her car sat unused in their garage, and eventually he sold it. She was chauffeured everywhere. She realizes, now, that it was just one more way of controlling her. If his driver was taking her somewhere, Rupert would know exactly where and for how long.
She held onto the driver after the divorce, but has since started driving herself more and more often. She loves when Ted makes little jokes about it, his dimples and that proud little boy smile on display.
She explains this all to Dr. Holmes at her next appointment. (Though she leaves out the part about Ted's dimples.)
"So, it seems like driving has two positive consequences for you. Freedom, getting to go where you want whenever you want. And the social aspect of it, spending time with loved ones."
Rebecca nods, and Dr. Holmes continues, "keep creating, of course, but I want you to also try to find ways to drive with meaning, not just going from point A to point B."
Rebecca decides her first meaningful driving trip will be a visit to Sassy and Nora. It seems cathartic, to go visit the people– the family– that Rupert had kept her from for so long. She brings that first felted turtle, along with a peacock, to give to Nora and Sassy. It's a good visit and one evening when Sassy goes out on a date, Rebecca takes Nora to an art museum and they sit together drawing in sketchbooks.
It's nice, spending time with them and getting out of Richmond for a few days. The season is rapidly approaching, and Rebecca knows that once it starts she won't have weekends off for spontaneous trips.
She ropes Keeley into one of these spontaneous trips, a weekend in Brighton. They spend the hour-long drive talking, catching up on everything they've missed while Keeley's been kicking ass as CEO at her firm. Keeley tells her all about Roy's trip to Marbella as well as how they've been doing since he came back. Rebecca tells her about her visit with Sassy and Nora, promising to bring Keeley along next time.
They spend two nights at the George Hotel, relaxing and talking and just…being happy. Rebecca rejoices in it– staying up late chatting on their terrace, eating ice cream for dinner, running through the waves together. It feels like the freedom of driving, only tenfold.
When they return to Richmond, they're not the only ones back. Most of the team has returned from their travels. Beard is back as well, but without Jane who apparently decided to stay in Thailand, indefinitely. She had asked Beard to stay with her, but he had no trouble turning her down.
Ted is also back from the States, tanner and leaner, with stubble accompanying his signature mustache.
The first work day he's back, he pops his head into Rebecca's office right on time for Biscuits with the Boss. He's got a pink box in hand, and Rebecca can feel her mouth start to water just looking at it. She's got it open and a biscuit halfway to her mouth within seconds of him placing the box on her desk.
They chat about what they spent their off season doing, Ted filling the time with stories about his adventures with Henry. She's happy to sit and listen, snacking on her biscuits. She loves hearing Ted talk about Henry, wishes she could meet him again, now that she's not trying to sabotage the boy's father.
When Ted asks what she's been up to, she considers telling him about therapy but she just can't get the words out. (Her last appointment was particularly rough, the hour spent delving deeper into how Rupert's treatment of her might still be affecting her actions now. At the end of these hard sessions, Dr. Holmes reminds her to do something for herself as a reward. After this last one, she drove for almost an hour, trying to outrun her spiraling thoughts.)
So when Ted asks what she did she says she visited some museums, saw Sassy and Nora, took a girls trip with Keeley. They can hear the boys starting warmups on the pitch, and Ted rises from his chair. Before he can leave, she calls him back.
"Ted?"
"What's up, Boss?"
She hesitates for only a moment, has been turning this thought over and over in her head the closer Ted's return to Richmond got. "Why do you bake?"
"Oh. It just...helps me calm down when it feels like there's a Kansas tornado whippin' around up here." He waves his hand around his head, and she nods. She lets him go, keeping her window open all day to listen to training down below.
After work, she stops at her grocery and picks up some flour, sugar, and butter. A few other ingredients she thinks she might need. Their first game is still a few weeks away, so on Saturday she sets herself up in the kitchen and starts searching for recipes online. She skips over all the shortbread ones, knows she could never make anything near as delicious as what Ted makes. There's a banana bunch on her island so ripe they're more brown than yellow. She decides to try muffins.
She…mostly succeeds. She makes a complete mess of her kitchen, flour and brown sugar covering her counters, banana peels smelling up her rubbish bin. But the rest of her kitchen smells delicious, the scent of fresh baked goods warming her. Only now she's got two dozen muffins she doesn't think she'll be able to eat.
She packs most of them up, leaving just a few for her to eat during the week, and then gets in her car. She thinks about taking them to Keeley's, but figures Keeley and Roy wouldn't have much more luck than her at finishing them all. Ted and Beard both live alone. And then she knows exactly where to go.
Julie Higgins answers a minute or so after Rebecca knocks. Rebecca was actually about to turn back to her car when the door opens.
"Oh! Hello, Rebecca." Julie offers her a polite, if not slightly confused, smile.
Rebecca flounders for a moment. She's still not sure where she stands with Leslie's wife. She knows the woman used to detest her (with fair reason, if Rebecca is being honest), but Julie had been quite pleasant to her at Christmas. They talk occasionally when Julie's able to make a Richmond match. Rebecca thinks she might actually enjoy being friends with Julie, if given a real opportunity.
She realizes she's been quiet too long when Julie arches an eyebrow at her and clears her throat.
"I, um, was just stopping by to ask Leslie a favor."
"He's out with our youngest. Terry's been saving for a drone, and he finally got one last weekend. They're off flying the bloody thing today."
"Oh, that sounds…lovely." Honestly, Rebecca doesn't know what flying a drone entails, other than paparazzi using them to take photos of her topless.
"Better him than me," Julie says with a laugh. "Can I help you with anything?"
"Oh!" Right, the whole reason Rebecca came to the House Higgins. "I baked some muffins today, and there's far too many for me to eat before they go stale so I thought, 'who do I know with a football team worth of sons?' and only one name came to mind."
Julie looks at her, that eyebrow quirked up again, and suddenly Rebecca feels a little stupid for coming here.
"You…baked muffins this morning?"
"Yes." Rebecca's throat feels dry, and it's hard to get the words out. "Banana."
Before Julie can say anything else, another one of the Higgins sons comes barreling down the stairs. When he sees his mother and Rebecca at the door he comes over.
"What's that?" he asks, pointing to the box in Rebecca's hands.
"Muffins."
Both she and Julie respond at the same time.
"Alright," the boy says, reaching to take the box from Rebecca and heading towards the kitchen. She and Julie watch him go, and then Julie turns back toward Rebecca.
"Fancy a cuppa?"
She's still sitting at the kitchen table, chatting with Julie, when Leslie and Terry come back. They hear the boys before they see them, and Julie calls out to them.
"Hello, loves! Rebecca's here, she brought muffins."
They hear Leslie laugh, "very funny. Rebecca brought muffins. How'd you come up with–"
He comes in and his mouth drops open, seeing his wife and his boss sitting together, both with eerily similar looks on their faces, a raised eyebrow each.
He whispers to Terry, "I've had this nightmare before."
Rebecca ends up staying for supper, seated at the table with the whole Higgins family. She hasn't had a family supper like this in….ever. And to think, it was all because she baked too many muffins.
She tells her therapist about her Saturday at her next appointment.
"You clearly have a lot of people who care about you, Rebecca. Why do you think you spend so much time by yourself?"
Rebecca doesn't know how to answer, and Dr. Holmes assigns that question as her homework this week.
The weather has started cooling down, and Rebecca spends more and more time out in her back garden. When she moved in, she spent way too much money filling the garden up with plants and flowers. She left one empty flower bed that she still hasn't filled. She decides to start a vegetable garden. She plants seeds for aubergines, and chillies, and radishes, and strawberries. Each week she spends about an hour out in the sun, weeding the garden beds and watering all the flowers.
It's good, spending time outside and doing work with her hands. She loves getting her hands dirty, doesn't mind the dirt mucking up her manicure. She knows that there won't be any fruits of her labor for a while, but she thinks that might be good for her, a little delayed gratification.
She was right about having less free time once the season started up. And it's not just because of work obligations. She's been working on being more social, spending less time alone, now that everyone's returned to Richmond. The coaches invite her and Leslie to a weekly dinner, where they sit and discuss the last match and then whatever else they want to talk about. Keeley hosts game nights twice a month, sometimes with her friends from her firm, sometimes with members of the AFC Richmond family. Rebecca has a standing invite and she genuinely enjoys herself every time. Rebecca even starts having lunch with Julie once every couple of weeks. (She still laughs thinking about Leslie's face the first time she told him she was off to lunch with his wife.) It feels good, spending time with the people she cares about, who care about her in return.
She makes sure to still make time for her art, sketching in whatever free time she has. Ted catches her one morning on the Green, stopping in front of her where she sits on a bench.
"Howdy there, Ms. Welton." He adds an extra twang to his voice and she chuckles up at him, closing her sketchbook as she does. "I didn't know you were an artist."
"Oh," she lets out a breathless laugh. "It's not…it's just a hobby."
She blushes, then feels ridiculous for blushing.
"If you're all done sketching for the morning, wanna grab some coffee? Or in your case, some pigeon sweat, I mean tea."
She shakes her head at him, but lets him pull her from the bench. They spend about an hour at a cute cafe on the Green, talking about everything and nothing. It's a lovely morning and she holds onto the loveliness when she gets back to her empty house, the memory of making Ted laugh keeping the loneliness at bay.
She's still needle felting as well. The week leading up to their first match against West Ham, she's so stressed she desperately needs to stab things with a needle. The day of the match every player has a little animal sitting in their locker, a different one for each of them. (Supposedly, Colin almost cried when he found the little Welsh dragon sitting in his locker.)
The Greyhounds win, 3-2.
Dr. Holmes congratulates her on the win at her next therapy appointment. They've moved further into her past, discussing her relationship with her parents. They talk through the obvious, how what happened with her father might have affected her relationship with Rupert. But Dr. Holmes also makes her think about what she wishes her relationship had been like with her mother and her father.
"We can't change what's happened in the past," she tells Rebecca during one session. "But we can work toward making a better, brighter future. You've mentioned wishing you had a better relationship with your mother, and that you think maybe, with your father gone, it might be possible. So what's stopping you?"
Rebecca doesn't have a good enough answer, so on the drive back to Richmond she calls Deborah and invites her to supper at her place on Thursday night.
Supper isn't as awful as Rebecca had worried it would be. She invites her mother to sit with them in the owner's box at Richmond's home match against Arsenal. Keeley, of course, has been obsessed with Deborah ever since that first lunch, and the two chat through the duration of the match.
Suppers and match visits with Deborah become regular, and Rebecca has to admit she's enjoying rebuilding this bond with her mother. Deborah asks Rebecca to accompany her shopping one afternoon, and Rebecca says yes without even really thinking about it.
"Wonderful! It's been ages since I've bought my daughter clothes, and I'm so looking forward to it. Love you, Sausage."
Oh. Um. Rebecca had assumed Deborah would be buying clothes for Deborah , not for her. She's not sure how she feels now, about shopping with her mother, knowing the intent is to find something for Rebecca. She thinks back to her marriage, how she let–
No, stop. Dr. Holmes has been insistent on helping Rebecca understand she didn't "let" Rupert do anything. Rupert manipulated her, forced his opinions and choices on her without letting her have any say.
But regardless, Rebecca is only just starting to feel more comfortable going out shopping, picking clothes just because she likes them and not because she thinks someone else would or wouldn’t approve. She usually goes shopping with Keeley, whenever the two have aligning free time, and Keeley is always quick to tell her she looks "mad fit" in whatever outfit she's trying on. Rebecca's not sure Deborah will be as supportive.
The day of the shopping trip arrives, and Rebecca feels a little ridiculous for feeling nervous. Somewhere in the back of her mind though, she hears Dr. Holmes reminding her that feelings are never the problem, that what's important is how one acts on those feelings.
So instead of letting the nerves get to her and calling her mother to cancel, Rebecca meets her mother at Harrods. She tries to keep her mother in the handbags and shoes sections, but once they've each found a couple of new bags and Deborah's picked out way too many new pairs of Louboutins for her daughter, Deborah guides Rebecca to the gowns.
Rebecca takes a steadying breath, and then lets her mother point out gown after gown to the attendant helping them.
"Mother, you should have told me I'd be trying on thirty dresses, I'd have had more protein with breakfast."
"Oh hush, Sausage." Rebecca sees the attendant give her a confused look at the nickname. "Once I've made my selections you can pick however many you want to actually try."
Rebecca rolls her eyes, but lets her mother continue plucking designer gowns from the racks.
When Deborah's done, Rebecca picks three to actually try on. Deborah picks another two, saying "humor me, Sausage. Please."
Rebecca starts with one of Deborah's picks, an off-the-shoulder gown that would fit in nicely in the Emerald City of The Wizard of Oz. It feels like it's falling off her as she tries to adjust the low hanging sleeves. She hates it.
"Whenever you're ready," Deborah calls from outside Rebecca's dressing room.
Rebecca walks out, a glare already set on her face. Deborah lets out a small chuckle and Rebecca turns immediately back to the dressing room.
"Wait, I'm sorry!" Deborah calls her back, and Rebecca puts a hand on her hip and raises her eyebrow at her mother. "I just needed you to prove a point for me."
"And pray tell, what point is that?"
"That no one, no matter how beautiful, could make that dress look good."
Rebecca softens under her mother's compliment, then heads back into the dressing room to try the other dress Deborah chose. This one is a one-shoulder gauze-y dress with floral embellishments. There's a nude-colored lining and when she slips the dress on, she feels a little naked in it.
"Oh my," Deborah breathes out when Rebecca steps from the dressing room. "It's beautiful on you, Rebecca."
Rebecca steps up to the mirror, and Deborah must see something on her daughter's face.
"It's beautiful, but are you comfortable in it?"
Rebecca takes a moment to really think about how she's feeling. (Dr. Holmes has been encouraging her to spend more than five seconds before she agrees or not to something. Apparently her post-divorce freedom led to some impulse control issues…) When she thinks about it, she's not comfortable, can't picture herself actually wearing this out. She shakes her head.
"Alright, Sausage. Next one up, then!"
The next two are similar to each other, sleeveless dresses with vee necks of varying deepness. One is red, and looks good on her but is kind of plain. The other is gorgeous, tulle and sparkles. It's pink, but the wrong shade– a little too orange, not the soft pink that makes Rebecca smile and her cheeks warm and…
Okay, Rebecca cannot be thinking these thoughts in front of her mother. Especially when she herself hasn't quite figured out what these feelings are or what they mean.
The last gown she tries on is also sleeveless, with a modest vee neck. It's a soft lavender color, with delicate floral embellishments. It's feminine in a way Rebecca hasn't felt since her growth spurt in year 8, when she was suddenly a head taller than all the boys in her class.
She steps out of the dressing room slowly, and Deborah smiles a megawatt smile when she comes out.
"That's the one, Sausage."
Later, when she's tucked in bed and her dress is safely hanging in her closet, she thinks about how she felt wearing it. The dress itself is soft and delicate, but she feels anything but that in it. She feels strong, and brave in it.
The next morning, she finds a blouse in the back of her closet the same shade as the dress and slips it on. When he comes in to drop her biscuits off, Ted tells her it's a nice color on her and there's a blush on his cheeks that matches the one she can feel on her face. She thinks lavender might be her new second favorite color.
At her next therapy session, Dr. Holmes asks her about her romantic relationships post-divorce. This is the topic Rebecca has been most worried about broaching. It’s easy talking about John. He was a very appropriate boyfriend. When she tells Dr. Holmes that, the woman responds by asking “if he was so appropriate, why break up with him?”
“Well, I suppose I wanted more than just appropriate .”
“Have you been in any relationships since John?”
Rebecca flounders. She’s not embarrassed about her sexual relationship with Luca. She thinks she needed that, the validation that she was desirable still, that all the taunts of “Old Rebecca” didn’t mean anything. But still, how do you tell your therapist about your old fuck buddy?
“There was a…friends with benefits…kind of situation. Only, I suppose, we weren’t really friends.”
Dr. Holmes smiles at her. “And how fulfilling was that relationship?”
Rebecca snorts. “Quite fulfilling, in one way.”
“Those kinds of relationships work fantastic for some people. Do you think you could be fully fulfilled in a relationship based solely on sex?”
“No,” Rebecca doesn’t even need a moment to think about it.
“Has there been anyone since this…friend?”
Sam.
Rebecca has no idea how to explain her relationship with Sam. It was fulfilling, in all the ways her relationship with Luca was, and in the ways that Luca wasn’t. It was nowhere near appropriate, as opposed to her relationship with John. She does her best to tell all this to Dr. Holmes, without actually telling her therapist that she was dating her much younger employ.
“So, looking back at these three relationships, what do you think they’re telling you about the kind of man you want to be with?”
“Well, he should be appropriate, on paper you know. But I also need some excitement, in the,” Rebecca blushes, whispers of Randy Rebecca echoing in her head. She does her best to silence those voices. “I need excitement in the bedroom. And I need someone who is kind and someone I could actually have a real future with.”
"So, what do you think is keeping you from being in that kind of relationship?"
Rebecca has no clue. But she also isn’t as worried about it as she might have been a year ago. Dr. Holmes has been helping her see that she can build a fulfilling life for herself without a romantic partner. She doesn’t need a man to make her happy, or give her purpose. She’s content to spend time with herself, and with her friends.
She’s feeling more and more like herself lately, not whoever she was when she was married to Rupert or when she was trying to sabotage the team or when she was dating men young enough to be her sons. She feels like the real Rebecca Welton, a Rebecca Welton she likes and knows and wants to be.
Rebecca doesn’t even realize that it’s almost Thanksgiving until Roy asks her if she knows if Ted has any plans. She knows he doesn’t, that he’s staying in London and Henry is staying in America, and she's sure that Ted is feeling down about missing another holiday with his son. She decides to invite him over one day to make an apple pie, hoping the baking will help cheer him up some. She hasn't baked anything in a few weeks, and the farmer's market on the Green had some wonderful apples the last time she was there.
He shows up right on time, and Rebecca already has all the ingredients out and prepped when she guides him to the kitchen. Rebecca is slightly worried they won’t mesh in the kitchen. She approaches baking in much the same way she approaches her job: organized, rigid, following all the rules to a tee. She assumes Ted is a little more go-with-the-flow in the kitchen, and hopes he won’t judge her for her meticulousness.
But he's just as exact in the kitchen as she is. They work well together, passing ingredients and utensils across the counter back and forth. She tries not to stare too badly at his forearms as he rolls out the dough for the pie crust. (She fails.)
Rebecca had bought some fancy leaf impression cutters, and she uses them to cut a series of leaves out of the top crust, then lays the cutouts on the outside of the crust.
“You sure you never been on Bake Off or somethin’?” Ted asks her, a smile playing at his lips. “That’s some mighty fancy crust work you got going on there.”
Rebecca smiles at him, “to be honest, I’ve never made a pie before in my life.”
“Seriously?” She nods. “Coulda fooled me, Boss. When’d you start baking?”
Rebecca feels herself blush. She should have expected this question, really, but she doesn’t have an answer that she feels won’t reveal too much of herself to him. But, she was brave once, inviting him here in the first place, and she can be brave again.
“Just recently, really. I’ve been trying out some new hobbies, you know, the drawing and the needle felting–”
“Oh yeah! Mr. Bamboo sure is a great addition to our coaching staff.”
Rebecca laughs, thinking about when he excitedly took the tiny needle felted panda from her, immediately giving him an adorable name.
“Yes. And well, you had said baking helped you…center yourself, so I thought I’d give it a try too.” He’s looking at her so earnestly her heart starts beating wildly in her chest. She keeps talking, doesn’t give him a chance to respond. “Did I tell you about the muffins I took over to Leslie’s?”
They spend the 45 minutes the pie is in the oven sitting at her kitchen table, trading stories of baking disasters and debating favorite childhood goodies. When the timer dings, and her kitchen is filled with the smell of sweet crust and cinnamon-y apples, they take the pie out of the oven.
It looks good, and Rebecca feels proud of what she and Ted did today. She's sure he's made at least a dozen pies in his lifetime, but this is her first, and she's glad he was there with her for this accomplishment.
She pulls a carton of vanilla bean ice cream from her freezer while Ted cuts two decently large slices from the still-hot pie. She tops each with a generous scoop of ice cream, and they head back to the table to enjoy the fruits of their labor.
It's bloody delicious. "Oh God, I can't believe I made something that tastes this bloody delicious."
Ted laughs, "yep, that's a mighty fine dessert right there, you should be proud."
Rebecca smiles, "I had a great sous-chef."
Ted offers her one of those ridiculously endearing smiles and they finish the rest of their slices in silence. He refuses to leave the dishes for her to do alone, so they stand side by side at her kitchen sink, washing and drying bowls and measuring cups and spoons.
When the washing up is done, and Ted mentions heading back to his flat, she tries to get him to take half of the leftover pie but he refuses.
"Ted! There's no way I could possibly finish all of this before it goes bad."
"Well." She thinks she sees a blush blooming on his cheeks. "Maybe I could cook ya dinner one night this week, and you could bring the pie over for dessert?"
"Oh," she thinks there might be a matching blush blooming in her own cheeks. "That would be lovely."
"Good." And then he's slipping into his trainers and heading out. Rebecca watches him walk down the path to the main street, turning left to head to his flat just across the Green. She doesn't think she's imagining the skip in his step as he goes.
They have dinner a few times that week, twice at his flat and once back at her place. They have pie for dessert each time. When they're eating at her's, they make ratatouille together, using aubergines from her garden.
"What in the heck is an aubergine? It just sounds like a made up word."
"All words are made up words," she reminds him, with a smile on her face. She'll never tire of his American English vs English English debates. "And what's a bloody eggplant? It doesn't look or taste anything like an egg!"
"Touche, boss."
It's wonderful, spending time outside of work with Ted. They see each other often outside of the clubhouse, but it's mostly for work adjacent things (like the coaching staff's dinners) or there's almost always a bunch of other people with them (like at Keeley's game nights, which have grown to include most of the boys (Jamie is incredibly competitive when it comes to the game of Risk)).
So Rebecca revels in any time she gets to spend alone with Ted. She also doesn't know how to explain her relationship with her gaffer to her therapist. At her last appointment, Dr. Holmes asked her how she’s been spending her free time lately. She pretty much summed it all up with one word, Ted. Dr. Holmes hadn’t called it on her then, and only briefly mentions it the next time.
“So.” Dr. Holmes is giving Rebecca that look, the one that makes Rebecca feel like the woman is looking straight into her soul. “You’ve been spending quite a lot of time with Ted lately.”
Rebecca hates when Dr. Holmes does that, asks a question in the form of a sentence. It always feels like Rebecca’s on the spot, answering what she thinks Dr. Holmes meant and not necessarily what Dr. Holmes was actually asking, Rebecca feeling like she’s revealing too much of herself. This time Rebecca decides to not give up too much.
“Yes.” She drags the word out and it sounds like a question itself. She’s not prepared for Dr. Holmes to pivot away from the topic so quickly, but the doctor just nods and asks how Deborah is doing.
Rebecca launches into a story about how her mother roped her into singing in her church's choir show on Christmas Eve. (She had started going back to church with her mother in late fall, after weeks of her mother lamenting going alone. Church had always been more social than spiritual for the Weltons, but Rebecca does remember loving the music. So she said yes, and then as things do when Deborah Welton is involved, things spiraled from there. And now she's singing in a bloody Christmas show.)
Dr. Holmes lets her chat for the reminder of her session, doesn't bring up Ted or relationships or anything like that again.
She thinks about the way Dr. Holmes so quickly moved on from the discussion of Ted. It sticks with Rebecca, even more so than when they delve deeply into a topic. She makes her way to the Green, finding a bench and pulling out her sketchbook. There's a couple around her age lounging on the grass, and Rebecca begins sketching them. She's still thinking about Ted and the look on Dr. Holmes' face when Rebecca answered "yes" to spending her free time with him, and not really paying too much attention to her drawing. When she does look down, though the pose and background match what she was looking at, the couple she's drawn is not the couple from the Green. It's her and Ted.
Oh, bloody hell.
She closes the sketchbook quickly, shoving it back into her bag along with the pencils. On her walk home she tries to think about anything other than him , but of course he's all she thinks about.
His cheek under her hand that night in Liverpool. The way he forgave her so easily when she confessed. Painting his nails. Singing with him on Christmas last year. That he stayed with her when Sam essentially broke up with her. How easy it is to have an hours-long conversation with him. How right it felt, having him in her kitchen when they baked the pie.
Bloody hell .
She's in love with Ted Lasso. It's Ted, of course it is, who checks all her boxes. He's age appropriate, and with his position at the Club it wouldn't be scandalous for them to be together. He's kind, and gentle, and they seem compatible. And of course, she's not too proud to admit she finds the man attractive.
But is there a future with him? His current contract expires at the end of this season, whether they win it all or not. Would he stay here, in Richmond, over 64,000 kilometers away from his son? Could she even think to ask him to do that?
She desperately wants to talk this all out with Dr. Holmes, but what would she even say? Hello, I've just realized I'm madly in love with my best friend who is most likely moving across the ocean in five months' time. What should I do?
Yeah, like Dr. Holmes would actually give her the answer. The doctor would most likely ask her what possible actions she could take based on these newly realized feelings.
Option 1- She could tell Ted, ask him to choose between staying in Richmond with her and going home to his son. This is, of course, contingent on Ted reciprocating her feelings. She could tell him, and he might just let her down gently, and then she'd be heartbroken a whole five months early.
Yeah, she doesn't love that option.
Option 2- She could not tell Ted, continue on with their relationship, their friendship. She loves spending time with him, loves getting to make him laugh and laughing with him in turn. She loves their morning Biscuits with the Boss chats. She doesn't want to lose all that.
So. She's not going to tell him. She can't risk it. If she is going to lose him in May, she wants as much of him between now and then as she can get.
Two weeks before Christmas Ted comes barreling into her office, a giant smile on his face.
"Guess what, Boss?"
She finds she can't help the smile blooming on her own face, just loves his enthusiasm too much. (To think, when he first started working here, how his joy grated on her nerves. Now she desperately needs his light.)
"What, Gaffer?"
He laughs, like he always does when she calls him that, and she laughs too.
"Well, Boss ." She laughs again, can't help it when he's looking at her with nothing but pure joy in his eyes and she knows the cause is whatever he's about to tell her, not her , but she doesn't care because she's the one who gets to bask in the glow of his happiness right now. She loves looking at him when he's this happy– loves seeing his dimples come out and the laughter lines by his eyes. She just…loves him.
She realizes she's missed the first part of whatever he's said, tunes back in as he's saying "so I was a little surprised when Michelle asked Henry to pass her the phone after we had said goodnight."
"Uh-oh." Rebecca knows that Ted's divorce was far more amicable than her own, but that he was hurt just as deeply by the ending of his marriage as she was hers. Logically she knows Michelle didn't do anything to hurt him on purpose, but she's still a little protective of him where his ex-wife is involved.
Ted laughs, "that's kind of what I was thinking too. But it turns out that her sister and nieces are coming over here at Christmas, gonna look at a few universities on this side of pond–"
Rebecca rolls her eyes, like she does every time he uses silly American sayings like that.
"–so Henry gets to come for Christmas!"
"What?" Rebecca pushes herself up out of her chair and moves around her desk to stand next to Ted. She wants to hug him, but doesn't know if that's something Friend™ Rebecca would do, or just in-love-with-Ted Rebecca. "Ted, that's wonderful, I'm so happy for you!"
And she is, but a part of her (a part she tries to keep very small) is a little sad at the thought. She had hoped Ted might join her again this year in passing out Christmas gifts. But she's a big girl, she had done it alone for many years during her marriage to Rupert.
And, she does have plans this year. The church Christmas show, brunch on Christmas morning with her mother. Plus, she knows that Leslie's home is always open to her. It'll be a good Christmas, and Ted will be right where he should be– with his son.
Ted's still chattering away, and she smiles softly at him. She hopes she'll get to spend some time with the younger Lasso. She knows how good a father Ted is, even if he doubts it sometimes, and wants to see him in action.
"Maybe, while he's here, and I don't want to take away from your time with him, but maybe I could join the two of you for dinner one night? I'd love to spend a little time with him when he's here."
Ted lights up even more at this, immediately nodding. "Of course! Henry's always asking 'bout 'Ms. Welton' so he'll definitely be down for that! Plus, I'm sure he'll be around at the club while he's here."
"How long is he here for?"
"Ten whole days. The 17th through the 27th."
Rebecca lets out a happy little sigh, "I'm so happy for you Ted."
He's still got that megawatt smile on his face. "I'm pretty chuffed myself, Boss."
She laughs, and this time she thinks his smile (his happiness) is because of her.
Ted takes the 17th off. Their match isn't until Sunday this week, and even if the Greyhounds were playing, she'd have made sure he was there to meet his son at the airport. On Sunday morning, as the stands of the Dog Track start to fill, Keeley and Rebecca make their way to the Owner's Box. A few minutes later, Leslie and Terry arrive, with Henry Lasso in tow. Henry plops himself down in the seat right next to Rebecca.
During the match, she and Henry talk about the players and the plays Ted is calling. When one of the other team's players is injured on the pitch, Henry stands, a hand on Rebecca's shoulder as he tries to watch the medics leading the player off the pitch. At halftime, she asks if he wants to go down to the locker room to see Ted.
"Nah, I don't wanna mess with his flow," he says easily, and then launches into a tale about his own football coach back home. Rebecca is surprised how easy it is, chatting with the boy. She doesn't have much experience with children, though thanks to Phoebe Kent and the Higgins boys she is getting more exposure. Still, she had been nervous that she and Henry wouldn't have anything to talk about.
But the boy takes after his father, could probably make friends with anyone, anywhere. When the teams both come back out, Henry quiets down, watching the match intently. He cheers when Richmond scores, and Rebecca smiles as he does a little victory dance, wishing she had had her phone out.
The Greyhounds win, but since it was a morning match, the team's not going out for any rowdy post-win celebrating. Once the locker room has emptied out, Rebecca and Keeley head to the managers' office.
"Well," Rebecca's got her scarf in her hands, nervously fiddling with it. She doesn't want to go home alone, to her empty house. She wants everyone to come with her, to order food for them all, to sit with them and listen as Ted goofs off with his son, and Leslie and Julie act sickeningly sweet, and Roy tries not to curse in front of the children.
She wants to be with her people.
But she doesn't know how to ask. Somehow, miraculously, Ted reads her mind.
"What now, Boss?" he says, his hands on Henry's shoulders. Both Lassos are giving her expectant, hopeful looks.
"We could all head back to my place? I could order in lunch for us all?"
There's nods all around then Roy and Keeley, and Leslie leave to go pick up Phoebe and the rest of the Higgins clan, respectively.
Rebecca, Ted, Henry, and Beard pile into Rebecca's Range Rover and she drives them back to her place.
"Woah," Rebecca hears Henry's mystified whisper from the backseat as they pull up to her home. Once she's got the front door open the boy wastes no time running in and gets to exploring.
"Hey!" Ted calls after him, "better manners, Mister!"
Rebecca laughs, but does a mental check through each room, deciding there's probably nothing Henry could get into trouble with.
They finally find him out in the back garden, taking in the flowers and vegetables. She's had portable green houses placed on top of all the garden beds in an effort to keep the plants alive through winter. Henry's got his face pressed up against the glass, peeking inside. He asks Rebecca a million questions about the plants, and she does her best to answer him.
"If my father was here, he'd be able to answer that for us. He was the real green thumb of the family."
"Is your dad gone too?" Henry asks with that childlike innocence. "Dad's dad is gone. He's been gone for forever."
Rebecca glances up at Ted to find him already looking at her. They haven't talked to each other much about their relationships with their fathers. She knows Ted's taught him to play darts, but not much else.
The rest of the group arrives then, and she's spared answering the boy. They head back inside and when she asks what they should order, ten different voices all start talking at once.
"Okay," she tries to get them to quiet down. "Okay!"
That works. Everyone stops talking. "How about this, we order a little bit from a few places, and everyone can have a little bit of everything."
Everyone agrees, and she pulls out her phone to start ordering the food.
Forty minutes later, her dining table is covered in an odd assortment of cuisines. There's Indian and Chinese and pizza and traditional pub food. She's got low mein and chicken tikka masala on her plate, and she spies fish and chips next to beef and broccoli on Henry's plate. He seems to be enjoying himself, which means Ted is enjoying himself. And as long as the Lasso boys are happy, Rebecca's happy.
After lunch, they move to the living room. Someone finds A Charlie Brown Christmas on TV, and the children lay out on Rebecca's plush rug, Henry nestled between Phoebe and Terry, staring up at the TV. The adults all flop on the furniture, and Rebecca somehow ends up squished next to Ted on her oversized chair. They haven't had this much of their bodies pressed up against each other since last Christmas, when Ted hugged her goodnight after she walked him back to his flat.
Rebecca does her best to not lean into him, but then he puts his arm on the back of the chair and his gravity pulls her into his side. When the movie ends, they put on the original How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Rebecca surprises everyone by mouthing along with every word.
Somehow, her hand has ended up on Ted's knee. She doesn't even realize it until the movie ends and she goes to stand, her fingers dragging across the fabric of his khakis. She looks down at him, a flush warming her cheeks, but he's just smiling up at her, with that soft lazy smile she loves.
She stands there, just watching him smile, until Roy growls out something about being hungry. So Rebecca moves toward the kitchen, taking the leftovers from lunch into the living room.
They spend about another hour there, snacking and chatting. Keeley asks how everyone is spending Christmas day and Ted surprises her by asking what time he and Henry should be ready to deliver gifts.
"Oh, um. Would two pm work for you boys?"
"Sure would!" He smiles at her, and she can't help but return it.
"Hey Rebecca!" Keeley's voice brings Rebecca back to the rest of the group. "What time should we be at the church on Christmas Eve?"
"Oh, you really don't have to–"
"Y'all going to church together?"
She and Ted talk over each other, and then laugh.
"Wait," Keeley says, "you didn't tell Ted about your performance?"
Rebecca blushes. "It's not my performance. I'm just one of the many, many choir members."
"Aren't you doing a fucking solo or some shit?" Roy grunts.
"You're singing in a show, Boss? Hey Henry!"
At his father's call, Henry pops in from the kitchen where the children are no doubt raiding her pantry for sweets. "Yeah, dad?"
"You wanna listen to Rebecca sing at a choir concert on Christmas Eve?"
Henry doesn't even take a moment to think about it, just shouts out an enthusiastic "yeah!" before heading back into the kitchen.
"Really, Ted. It will probably be awfully boring for an eight year old to sit through. You don't have to come, Roy and Keeley, and my mother–"
"Well," Ted interrupts her, "if Deborah's going, I'm definitely going. Haven't seen her in ages."
Rebecca knows that arguing with Ted is pointless so she just forwards him the information. Soon after, everyone begins gathering their things and heading home. Ted and Henry are the last to leave, Ted determined to help her clean up all the food mess. Henry helps, asking 'Ms. Rebecca' where this or that needs to go.
When her home is cleaned up, she offers to drive the Lasso boys home, but Henry wants to walk so they can look at all the Christmas lights on the Green. Rebecca bids them farewell at her front door, receiving a hug from Henry and a kiss on the cheek from Ted.
She's not sure which fills her with more warmth.
On Monday her biscuits are delivered by both Lasso boys. Ted hands her the little pink box, and Henry hands her some of the truffles Ted occasionally brings her. They chat for a few minutes before the Lassos head downstairs. Rebecca doesn’t see either of them the rest of the day, except when she goes to her window and spies little Henry standing next to his father on the sidelines of the training pitch.
Ted comes up alone on Tuesday morning, biscuits in hand.
“Where’s Henry this morning?”
Ted smiles and nods toward the window. Rebecca joins him there, smiling when she sees Henry down on the pitch with Sam and Dani. The two pros are showing Henry the finer points of penalty kicks.
“The boys asked if he wanted to get in some training before official training starts up.”
“That’s sweet of them.”
Ted nods, ‘yeah, they’re good kids.”
They settle into comfortable silence while Rebecca snacks on the first biscuit. Ted has taken a seat in his usual chair, one leg crossed over the other and hands in his lap.
"So," he says, but doesn't finish the sentence.
"So."
"You had said somethin' bout maybe doing dinner with me and Henry while he was in town. And I don't want you to feel obligated or–"
"Ted," she cuts him off as gently as she can. "I'd love to have dinner with you two. Does tonight work?"
His smile could light up the Dog Track, she swears.
"Tonight works perfectly."
She ends up having dinner with the Lassos Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. On Friday the team does their Secret Santa exchange after training. The coaches decided to have their own exchange, inviting Rebecca and Higgins as well. Rebecca drew Beard's name, and found him an antique chess set.
"Uh oh," Ted says, as Beard tears up after unwrapping the gift. "You just bought yourself a chess lesson."
Rebecca gets a cashmere scarf from Roy, in a soft pink that's a little too close to the color of the biscuits box to be a coincidence. They've all each brought a small gift for Henry so that the boy doesn't feel left out. She hopes she's not imagining the way his eyes light up when he unwraps the custom Richmond kit with Lasso on the back.
On the day of the choir Christmas show, Rebecca lets herself spend an exorbitant amount of time getting ready. During her marriage, almost all of her time was micromanaged by Rupert, especially time spent getting ready for events. Now that she can, she spends hours getting ready if she wants. Today she luxuriates in a lengthy shower and spends a good hour on her hair and makeup. She steps into the lavender gown, pleased to finally have a chance to wear it.
Deborah had offered to pick Rebecca up for the show, and when she arrives Rebecca is ready and waiting in her foyer. She hadn't been nervous during rehearsals, but now there's a flutter of butterflies in her stomach that has her pacing in her nude-colored heels. Deborah doesn't get out, simply texting her daughter to let Rebecca know to come out. Rebecca slides into the backseat next to her mother, saying hello to Ernie (who's been Deborah's driver since Rebecca was in her teens).
At the church, Rebecca doesn't even have time to go find the others and say hello before she needs to be in the choir rehearsal room. She gets cheek kisses from her mother before Deborah's saying "break a leg, Sausage," and taking Rebecca's coat and clutch, then pushing her in the direction of the rehearsal room.
Rebecca greets a few of the other choir members, then joins a group doing vocal warmups. She's only in the back for about ten minutes before they're lining up and heading to the risers in the sanctuary. Because of her height, she stands in the back of the risers but she can still see her little group of supporters. Ted's dressed himself and Henry up for the occasion and she can't help but think how good he looks in his suit. Henry is wearing a sweater over a collared shirt, and Rebecca thinks he looks just like his father.
She doesn't have any more time to ruminate on the Lasso boys, the music starting up and the other singers around her straightening their spines and taking in calming breaths. She closes her eyes for just a moment, lets the opening notes of "Carol of the Bells" wash over her.
As the show goes on, she allows herself to get lost in the music. They're singing a mixture of religious carols and secular ones, and when the group sings "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" she can't help the giddy smile on her face as the group sways along with the music.
Her solo is one of the last songs of the performance, and by the time she's stepping down from the rises to her spot for the solo the butterflies in her stomach have all disappeared. She hasn't sung for a real audience in so long, she had been worried how it would feel. But it just feels right.
Just before the notes of "O Holy Night" start, her eyes meet Ted's and she feels her heartbeat slow, as if it was settling down. He winks at her, then holds her eyes through the duration of her song. She loses herself in the words and his eyes, finally understanding the lyrics "and the soul felt its worth."
When her song ends, her little group stays civil, clapping politely with the rest of the audience, but as she takes her spot back up on the risers, she can see Keeley practically bouncing in her seat and Henry excitedly whispering something to Ted. When the boy turns back to the front, he smiles at Rebecca and shoots her two thumbs up.
When the show ends, she meets her people in the narthex of the church. Keeley immediately tackles her.
"Holy shit, babes! That was incredible! You're incredible!"
Rebecca laughs, a blush heating up her cheeks.
"She's right, Boss." Ted moves toward her, greeting her with a hand on the small of her back and a quick press of his lips to her cheek. "You were incredible up there."
She whispers thank you and then Deborah is offering to take them all out for supper to celebrate. Ted and Henry ride to the restaurant with her and her mother, and Rebecca asks Henry what his favorite part was.
"Well, you were the best," he says, in that matter-of-fact way kids do, "but I also really liked 'Must Be Santa.'"
Rebecca laughs, remembering how fun singing that one had been, having the audience participate with them. "Yes, that one was quite fun."
She keeps chatting with Henry, discussing the best Christmas carols and then the best Christmas movies. She glances at Ted occasionally, wondering why he's so quiet. Each time she looks at him, he's already watching her. He doesn't look caught whenever she meets his eyes. He just lifts the side of his mouth in a half smile.
Supper is fun . She sits next to Henry and helps translate the Italian descriptions on the menu for him, giggling with him as he tries to say the words with an Italian accent. Keeley had recorded Rebecca's solo on her phone, and she insists on replaying it three times over the course of the meal. Rebecca blushes each time, then finally confiscates the phone from the younger woman.
Throughout the whole meal, Ted is quiet. Rebecca doesn't think anyone else really notices, but because she's so tuned into him (read: in love with him), she picks up on it. She catches his gaze, lifting an eyebrow at him in question. He just offers her a little shrug and that same half smile from the car.
After supper, Keeley gives her a bone crushing hug and Roy presses a soft kiss to her cheek before the young couple gets in their car and heads off. Deborah offers to drive them all back to Richmond Green, and they drop Ted and Henry off first. Henry bounces out of the car first and Ted pauses, looking between Rebecca and Deborah (who's looking at something on her phone). Rebecca thinks he looks like he wants to say something, but then he just whispers a night yall before following his son out of the car.
It's a quick trip from Ted's to Rebecca's, and she and her mother pass it in silence. Before she can get out, Rebecca is pulled into an embrace by her mother. Deborah kisses the top of her head before letting her go.
"I'm proud of you, Sausage."
Rebecca smiles, feeling pretty proud of herself too, tonight, proud of the life she's building for herself.
"Goodnight, Mum," Rebecca says, before opening the car door, "I'll see you tomorrow for brunch."
Rebecca's just finished changing into pajamas and taking off her makeup when the doorbell rings. She thinks it might be her mother, or maybe Keeley.
But when she opens the door, it's Ted. Ted, still in the suit he had worn to the show, though the tie has been ditched and the top buttons on the shirt unbuttoned. Ted, pacing and running a hand through his already fussed up hair. Ted, who when she gets the door open, turns to her and kisses her .
He kisses her, and not with any lack of passion either. It's honestly the most intense kiss Rebecca has ever had. There's tongue and hands roaming and it feels like they've been doing this for years. Rebecca loses herself in him, not even thinking about why or how he's here.
But then she remembers, and pushes him away as gently as she can.
"Ted," he tries to move back to her, but she holds him at arm's length, "Ted, love, wait."
He stops then, taking a deep breath.
"Where's Henry?"
He smiles at her, like he can't believe that's the first thing she'd ask after he just kissed her like that.
"Beard came over, they're making cookies for Santa. And, probably, for you tomorrow when we're out delivering presents."
Rebecca nods, and Ted must take that to mean he can kiss her again. His lips just barely touch hers before he's pulling away again, rubbing a hand through his hair with that kind of manic energy that she can never tell if it means something good or bad when it comes to him. He begins pacing again, like he had been doing on her porch when she opened the door to him.
"Watching you up there tonight, singing. God, Rebecca, you're ethereal. And then seeing you with Henry, at dinner? Magic. And he loves you, ya know? Which I figured he would because I–"
He cuts himself off and Rebecca desperately wants to hear the end of that sentence.
"I mean… fuck Rupert for taking that chance away from you, because anyone with eyes can see what a wonderful mother you would be."
Rebecca had spent more than a few therapy sessions discussing her desire for children with Dr. Holmes. She understands, now, that Rupert keeping them from having children had absolutely nothing to do with her. It was, as with almost everything in their marriage, about him. His need to be the center of her world. He knew that if she had had a child, Rebecca would devote herself to that child. She wouldn't be solely devoted to him anymore, and he couldn't have that. But it still brings something long-dormant in her chest to life to hear Ted say she'd be a good mother. And in the context of her spending time with his son?
She doesn't know what to say, so she just kisses him. But, just like he had done, she pulls back almost immediately.
"Wait, Ted, wait. We need to. I have to tell you, before. You have to know." She feels like her brain is short-circuiting. She can't get a complete sentence out.
"What do I have to know, Rebecca?" His voice is low and husky, and Rebecca feels heat pool low in her belly. But she can't let herself get lost in him until he knows.
"I'm in love with you. Honest-to-God, real deal, for better or for worse kind of in love with you. So this can't just be…" she trails off, shrugging her shoulders. "I don't know. It can't just be the magic of the holidays, or your happiness that Henry is here, or being awed by my singing or whatever."
He shakes his head, reaching out to take hold of her hands with his own. "Maybe it is the season or Henry or your truly awe-inspiring voice that's made me brave enough to come over here tonight. But I've been feeling this way for…God Rebecca, I don't even know anymore how long I've felt this for you."
"And," she wants that to be enough, she does, but she needs to hear him say it. "And what is it you feel for me?"
He smiles at her, and this one lights up his whole face, his dimples on display and the laugh lines around his eyes crinkling in the way she loves.
"I'm in love with you too, Becca. In an honest-to-God, real deal, for better or for worse kind of way."
She laughs then, and this time when they lean in neither stops it.
She walks him backwards from her foyer to her sitting room, pulling him down with her to the sofa. Their lips stay pressed together the whole way. Rebecca is pretty impressed that she got them to the couch without bumping into anything, her focus solely on him and his mouth and his hands.
Ted Lasso is an amazing kisser.
She wants to let herself get lost in him, savor whatever time they have while Beard is with Henry, but a part of her is still terrified of what comes next for them. So when they break apart for air, she scooches away from him on the couch.
"Ted, I. I have to ask you…about next year, next season."
"What about it?" He's moved back into her space and is currently kissing a path from her cheek down to the collar of her sleep shirt. She's trying very hard to concentrate but his lips are very distracting.
"I can't. We can't start this, if it's just gonna…I can't have you for five months only to lose you forever."
"What?" He pulls away from her then, confusion clouding his face. "What are ya talking about, losing me?"
"Your contract is up at the end of the season. And I would completely understand if you decide to go back home to Kansas, to be with Henry. I just can't, can't let myself fall any deeper for you if you're just going to leave. I don't think I could survive it."
"Rebecca, of course Kansas is always gonna feel a little bit like home. But Richmond is home now too. You're my home, Rebecca. And our team? What we're doin at the club? That means something, it's important. I'm not ready to give that up yet. So, as long as you'll have me, I plan on staying."
She laughs, can't help but lean in for a quick kiss. "Of course I'll have you, for as long as you want to stay. But, what about Henry? I don't want to keep you away from your son."
Ted takes her hands in his, squeezing them both. "I love how much you care about him. And he's gonna have two homes no matter what, one with me and one with Michelle. And shouldn't the one with me be a happy one? With people around who don't just care for me, but also care for him?"
Rebecca nods, feels tears gathering in her eyes. She pictures it, Ted moving in and Henry having a room here. Getting to be by Ted's side as they watch the boy grow up. She wants it, more than she has words to say.
Ted's thumb comes up to her cheek, catching a few of the tears that have fallen.
"Michelle and I will figure out a better custody agreement, a more permanent one. And when he's not here, we'll still Facetime him and call him on the phone and all that."
"I like the sound of that, we. "
He smiles, then drops her hands to clap his together. "Now, is that enough talking?"
She laughs and nods, and then his lips are on hers again. They stay on her couch, kissing lazily, hands roaming over each other's bodies with no real intent. It feels like snogging her first boyfriend in school, only a thousand times better because she actually knows how to kiss now and because it's Ted she's snogging. Ted, who loves her and wants to stay with her and wants to let her into his world with his son.
Eventually they're interrupted by Ted's phone, a message from Beard telling him the baking is just about finished. Reluctantly they detangle themselves from each other. She kisses him goodbye at her front door, making him promise to pass along a "goodnight " from her to Henry. She watches him head back to his flat, her heart fluttering as he goes.
Tomorrow, she'll have brunch with her mother and will try not to think about Ted the whole time. Then she'll meet Henry and Ted, and they'll deliver presents and she'll compliment Henry on his baking skills when she tries the peanut butter blossoms, and she'll keep her hands to herself when all she'll want to do is touch Ted. They'll go to Leslie's and she'll enjoy herself but will wish just a little that it was still just her and the Lasso boys. She'll drop them off at Ted's flat, hugging Henry goodbye, and then Ted will send the boy up first and will pull a sprig of mistletoe out of his pocket and they'll kiss on the street. And Rebecca will eventually let him go up to his son, and she'll go home and go to bed and the smile won't leave her face, even after she falls asleep.
And she doesn’t know what comes after that, doesn’t know what’s next for her and Ted. But, for once, she likes the thought of not knowing. Because she does know that whatever happens, she’s ready now to face it.