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They never even got to spend Christmas Eve together…. Not the right way, at least… He'd already been driven out before they could even exchange gifts...
She was supposed to mean nothing to him—just another defenseless babe in the woods begging to be attacked by a wolf. He really didn't want to trick her, but what difference would sparing her have made to his conscience then? He'd already done far worse things for a country he didn't particularly care for that smooth-talking some broad was nugatory.
Then things spiraled between the two of them until one day, he realized she'd become everything to him. The lone bright star in his otherwise murky life. At first he was convinced he simply hit his head harder than he'd braced himself for when he decided walking into her speeding car was the best way to approach her. But every moment he spent with her thereafter touched his soul in ways he never thought was possible. He wasn’t sure what it truly was, but he damned sure felt at ease whenever he made her smile and laugh through the simplest of gestures. It eventually reached a point where keeping her at arm’s length was n longer enough...
Because of her, he almost wanted to cut himself some slack and buy into the possibility of a quaint future…
Almost, if only he wasn't a scumbag who used his badge as an excuse to trample on the feelings of anyone who made the mistake of caring for him. Every single one of them, especially her. Lying to her whenever she asked about his life was like a knife slowly being being pushed into his chest, conveniently missing the bone and inching closer and closer into his heart with every word spoken. And all he could do about it was grit his teeth while he hid behind his shield, reminding himself that it was for the best.
Now all that was left of her was inside a white urn stashed behind a few others at the ossuary of Metropolitan Police's main headquarters. Security inside the facility was relatively lighter that night as officers have either gone home to their respective families and loved ones, taken paid leaves beforehand, or were simply too busy basking in the festive culture that was beginning to seep in from all parts of the world. Assuming the guise of a pizza delivery guy and slipping past the entrance with six boxes of Margherita was as easy as walking into a convenience store in the middle of the night.
“What was I thinking?” he derided himself, recognizing that this wasn’t a very bright idea either. He heard through the pipeline that the ossuary was getting full, so the authorities have decided to move the unclaimed urns into a facility in Kobe before the year ends. With the authorities set to haul every last urn shelved in front of him into a truck before long, tonight was his last chance to indulge his petty sentimentality. At least that’s how the fictitious little voice inside his head justified the plan. Luckily, the officers in the building had stopped caring about him the second he handed over the boxes to a couple of staff at the conference room. Who knows if something terrible was amiss or they were just having a small gathering for people forced to mind the store or had nobody to spend the night with. He didn’t have Tantei-kun’s passion and goodwill to care about such trifles. Especially not when he was on a mission of his own.
But now that he’d finally managed to get in… Now that she's mere inches away from him... All he could really do was remain still. Petrified not by the presence of countless cremains in the room but by his own regret and disappointment. The damned jar didn't even have a name—he needed not disrespect the other urns by shoving them aside with his grubby hands to confirm as much. Not that he had any right to complain about real names. She didn't even know what his was until after he was gone. He’d hoped her ignorance would’ve protected her, and yet here they were…
Perhaps he should’ve just broken her heart instead, if it meant that she’d be alive enjoying Christmas Eve today, albeit with someone else. She was a strong woman…. She’d have moved on in no time...
…No, that's not right, either. To assume that Akemi Miyano was willing to risk it all for a nobody like him was the worst way he could ever disrespect everything she stood for. Despite the last words she mailed him, she was way above that. Failing to develop Sherry's or her parents' scientific acumen, she was forced to sully her hands and her soul with acts she couldn’t speak to her sister about. She had wanted freedom for herself and her sister long before they met, and that’s exactly what made her an easy mark for the Bureau. How close she was to reaching her limit and making her own move at the time was anybody’s guess, but all his intervention and subsequent betrayal really did was push her further down a path she was already walking into...
Looking at things that way… It was difficult to assume there was anything more to the lie they shared. In the end, they found each other at the right moment, only to play each other like a fiddle. She used him as a get-out-of-jail-free card, just as much as he used her as a VIP pass to infiltrate the Organization. Not at all different from “renting” some pizza boy’s jacket, bike, and parcel so he could get inside a government building without anyone batting an eye. Hell, her escape probably would’ve had a much better chance at success if his actions hadn’t put her in a tough spot with the Organization…
She had been wise to entrust Tantei-kun with her final wish instead of him. And while a part of him will forever be envious about that, he couldn't bring himself to harbor a grudge towards Tantei-kun for it. He’d have trusted Tantei-kun if put in the same position, too. Just like he trusted the kid’s gambit some months ago. If it were up to him, he'd have taken that bullet in the head, full stop. With luck, whatever's left of him after the explosion at Raiha Pass would've ended up here with her...
…But he didn't deserve to be with her in that way. He didn't deserve anything from her, not after screwing up as badly as he did and leaving her to climb out of the hellhole that was the Organization alone. “I’m really pathetic, aren’t I….? Clinging to you like this only to think badly of you….” he derided himself. There was no point framing their memories together coldly in retrospect, for it would never change what they felt when it was their reality. There was no point wondering about what could've been, for it would never change what has already come to pass. Neither would bring her back, let alone ease his regret in doing wrong by her.
Mired with emotion as he was, he figured it was high time he made himself scarce. Any longer and it'll be hard to walk out of the headquarters without raising suspicion from even the most impressionable officer. Conceding that it was as close to a goodbye as he could ever hope to get, he quietly slipped out of the ossuary.
“Let's meet again… With luck, I’d have straightened myself out by then,” Shuichi said to her, well aware that he had better chances at drawing blood from stone than fulfilling that promise. Just like every other promise he made to her.
Tracing his way across the hall and towards the elevator, the federal agent appreciated how light security was around the building that night. Hardly anyone paid any attention to him even though he was a completely unauthorized outsider. Word of the pizza party must’ve spread through the pipeline fast enough that a delivery guy getting lost after taking a detour to a stall didn’t seem too odd. Still, he did his due diligence and denied surveillance cameras a good shot of a dead man’s face as he walked. Why he decided to go in with a lighter disguise and not to wear his “other face” could easily be summed up to the fact that several officers have already met Subaru Okiya and finding a desirable post-graduate student suddenly delivering pizza on Christmas Eve would do a greater disservice to the character.
He couldn’t predict, however, that just as the elevator was within his line of sight, two officers would emerge from a room five doors ahead. One of them was Detective Takagi whom he’d met not too long ago, while the other, a woman with short, dark hair. Both officers wore dark-colored suits.
"This must be Detective Satou," he presumed. With the officers right between himself and the elevator, the encounter was inevitable. They seemed to be embroiled in some sort of discussion as they inched closer to his direction though, improving his chances at safely slipping past them. Lowering the brim of his hat just enough to obscure his face a bit, he ambled onward without so much as a passing glance at the two officers. For all it was worth, indifference was one of the few acts Yukiko Kudou didn't have to hammer into him. He was damn good at minding his own business and not giving a fuck about everyone long before he enlisted.
Still, if the stories he heard about Detective Satou were any true, then it was wise not to take her lightly.
“A-are you sure you just want to have dinner here? I bet we can at least take an hour off and drive to a Donny’s.” Takagi sounded very apologetic as he bargained with her.
“Of course I am! Besides, I’m sure every Donny’s up to five blocks from here would be packed by now,” Satou insisted. “If only someone had remembered to take the day off today, maybe we could’ve gone someplace nicer…”
“I’m really sorry, okay? And you had to cancel your leave, too...”
“It’s fine. I’m cool spending Christmas Eve here,” Satou said, sounding genuinely pleased just being with her partner. She radiated a flickering energy that made him, the anachronism that ruined this otherwise tender scenario, tilt his shoulder on reflex the instant he passed the couple as if to completely clear hers, even though he was a couple of inches away from actually bumping on her. Her vivaciousness reminded him a bit of Jodie from long ago. They got to spend Christmases together, but he was never truly able to return her feelings in the way that she deserved. In fact, probably the only good thing her ever did for her was setting her free, even if that was so he could ruin another woman’s life...
“Hey!”
He heard Satou’s voice call to his direction. He feigned ignorance at first and kept walking, pretending to have missed it even though it was impossible not to hear it given their proximity.
A couple of steps later, Satou repeated, “hey you, pizza guy! Can you stop right there for a sec?”
Now he knew he had to comply. Regretting his momentary carelessness, he waited until the officer approached him. The last thing he wanted was to raise a few more flags and give her a reason to suspect something foul. As expected, Satou wasted no time closing the distance between them.
"You got any fliers handy?" she asked, her eyes brimming with anticipation.
“Y-you’re ordering pizza?’ Takagi asked her.
Satou nodded. “Why not? Seeing the logo on his jacket made me crave and I don’t want to go to the conference room and ask.”
“Uhhh, lemme check…” Shuichi reached into the bag and, after pretending to grope inside for a quarter of a minute, produced a pair of leaflets stapled together. “Here you go, miss,” he extended the fliers over to the detective, looking at her direction while avoiding direct eye contact.
“Cool, thanks a bunch!” Satou chirped, saluting at him casually as if to bid him a fine Christmas before heading off, with Takagi following right behind her. He soon disappeared from their consciousness as they occupied themselves with choosing from the menu, granting him the opportunity to finally flee the premises Scot-free. He wasted no time doing just that.
It was a little annoying, walking around Touto on Christmas Eve. The snow didn't always fall so heavily in this side of Japan, but that night it seemed as though several deities wept and mourned for those whose hearts remained hollow including their own, all but drowning the city in white. Looking back, the pizza boy definitely got the better of their deal – he managed to duck a very nerve-wrecking delivery and even got paid a week's worth of salary for it. The lucky guy seemed more pleased with the Thai restaurant coupons that were added in as a bonus though, said he couldn’t wait to take his fiancé as soon as he returned the bike to the pizza parlor. In exchange, Shuichi received a pair of pizza boxes that the pizza boy was originally going to share with his lady. Talk about an upgrade.
Shuichi, on the other hand? Being alone and gloomy in his olive hoodie, black trousers, and facemask totally made him stick out amid a convention of couples filling every corner of the street and open establishment, emanating happiness that made them glow just as brightly as the multicolored pins and stars illuminating the city. He got what he wanted, alright…. But what good did it do him? If anything, it only made him feel worse, reflecting on how he wronged certain women from his past even more than he already has in the spare time only a dead person could ever have. As expected, he was nowhere near forgiving himself. Will he ever find respite for what he's done to those who made the mistake of caring for someone like him? That question would have to remain unanswered for now...
Resigning himself into a complete and utter defeat this yuletide season, all Shuichi could hope for in the coming year was for light to finally pierce through the thick black cloud hanging over everyone's heads. Maybe then he'll find a resolution to his own misery....
"I wonder if I should get something else.." he thought, looking at the boxes on his left hand. After all these years of not giving dinner too much thought, only now did it sink into his head just how miserable the combo of pizza and whiskey was, especially when eaten in solitude. As late as it was though, it wasn't as if he had a lot of options left. Cake shops have long since posted their sold out signs (he wasn't really a sweet tooth to begin with), and even ramen and oden carts were already packed with individuals enjoying each other's company. There's always the great alternative that was the convenience store, but that seemed even more unappealing to him right then. If he dropped by one now, it was highly possible that he'd end up with more booze to tide him through the rest of the night. Not that it would ever wash away the agony he was lugging around.
Soon, the view around Shuichi shifted away from the city's glow and into Beika District 2's calm, closing the door on any opportunity to add to his lonely feast. The neighborhood looked somber with most lights put out as if to declare that the townsfolk have gone out to celebrate. Who could blame them? Christmas only comes once a year, and people would rather be merry even if they had to stay outdoors. Ironically, given how dim the streets were and the snow building up around, the place almost looked like the bottom of an urn after most of its ashes had been scattered around and returned to the earth where everyone was bound to go.
But it didn't matter, Shuichi thought. Nothing mattered. In a few more steps, he'll finally be able to retreat to his current refuge. The Kudous will probably check in with him in the morning, soon followed by Professor Agasa and the children cheerfully waving him goodbyes as they head somewhere to celebrate Christmas. Subaru would have to be on his best behavior by then, but tonight all he wanted was to sulk while nursing a glass of scotch and letting the pizza freeze under the chilly air.
At least that's what he'd planned to do up until he was mere inches away from the Kudou Mansion's front gate....
For a moment, he thought he saw in his periphery the silhouette of a woman from his past sitting by the front door. Another who was hurt just as deeply by his actions and inactions as the others, but somehow continues to fall under his radar. However, the illusion burst when he blinked, instead revealing the figure of a child. An all too familiar one...
Forced to retract his step, he hid behind the concrete fence and put on his voice changer. “Shouldn’t you be nestled safely inside your home at this hour, little miss?” Subaru's voice reverberated through the shadowed porch.
“It doesn’t matter where I am if evil Santa’s determined to steal cookies. Besides, I like my chances of surviving better out here in the cold,” she said.
Come to think of it, the night Gin shot her happened in winter as well, some time before he returned to Japan—a misadventure he'd heard from both Tantei-kun and the good professor. Speaking of Professor Agasa...
“Where’s the professor?” he asked.
“A rather fancy car picked him up just now. Saw him off minutes before you arrived,” the shrunken chemist explained tersely.
“And that didn’t seem odd to you…? Someone taking the professor away this late?”
Ai simply laughed his doubts off. “Not when the car belongs to a childhood friend who made it big and wanted to spend the evening with him.”
He'd heard about Professor Agasa's childhood sweetheart before, from both the portly inventor himself and the children he often cared for. That the two would rekindle their bond on Christmas Eve was a possibility he hadn't thought about at all, but if that was indeed the case, he felt a little happy for the neighbor who has looked after him for the last few months.
“Oh… Why didn’t you come with them, then? Why come here instead?”
“Are you stupid? Nobody wants to be a third wheel on Christmas Eve. Especially not me,” she mocked him again. "As for why I'm here, I was just making sure you locked the door before you left. There's a lot of valuable books inside this house, you know."
"I see. In any case, you better get back inside now," he said gravely.
"What about you? Right now, you look like a Casanova who struck out on Christmas Eve after spending the entire month assuming he had all his bases covered," she countered. It must really be a bad night for him, allowing her to take three uncontested shots in a row.
Subaru couldn't resist laughing bitterly. He'd always underestimated how well this young lady knew him. "....That's... Very close to the truth.... Unfortunately."
"Huh. Funny you say "truth" like I've ever gotten that from you..." Ai's next question would be even more pointed. "By any chance, did you trying getting together with an ex?"
'....Something like that." he answered after a weary sigh. No point lying about that part, he figured.
The absence of a quip didn't come so much as a big surprise for the weary sniper. As quick as the follow-up was, it didn't seem random at all. The next thing that would come out of the former chemist, though, nearly made him gasp as if the nonexistent ice surrounding them suddenly cracked and gave out....
"You plan on eating all those calories by yourself?" AI asked, noting the edge of the pizza boxes poking through the slate-colored barrier obscuring him.
"I am, but... " It quickly dawned on him why she was asking. "You haven't had dinner yet?"
"Well, the professor didn't have anything ready, and I'm don't feel like making food myself...," she sheepishly admitted, piping her snark down all of a sudden.
"...Should I take that as you wanting a share of my pizza, then?"
"I can trade you a random pair of knit gloves sitting under our tree for it," she offered, only to add, "it's surplus from the gifts he sent out to neighbors and regular customers, just so you know."
He recalled helping Professor Agasa wrap several gifts the other day, but he was certain he didn't see any knit gloves in there. "...Alright, though at least let me change into something more.... Respectable. I'd hate to go to dinner with such a fine young lady looking like a slob," he consented after a moment's thought. He couldn't bring it upon himself to refuse given how much he owed her.
"I'd rather you didn't but go ahead, 'princess,'" Ai scoffed as she picked herself up, put her hands in her pockets, and headed for her own house next door. She didn't even bother looking up at his face as she passed him, even though she had previously been so curious that she boldly tried to unmask him. She would, however, stop short of the door to say, "don't take this the wrong way, though.... This is just me solving a simple math problem on Christmas Eve..... Anyway, don't keep me waiting."
As Ai disappeared into the warmth of the house that had welcomed her wholeheartedly when she gave up her own grim past, he wound up facepalming himself in shame. In his melancholy, he'd almost forgotten why he'd received this second chance to begin with. Of course, giving his life to protect this young woman who just invited him won't absolve him from his sins to her and all the others he'd hurt... What it could accomplish though honor the memory of the woman who only wanted what was best for her sister in the most perfect way possible.
The reminder was a last-minute gift, possibly from that one angel watching over him from the heavens where she'd surely be, but Shuichi felt more than grateful for it.
The End.
written by tsukuy0mi47