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Beca would always have love for Chloe. At sixteen, at twenty two, and now. Despite all the shit they put each other through for years and years, there would always be a special room reserved in her heart for one Chloe Beale.
They first met in daycare and, according to their dads, were obsessed with each other.
However, they ended up going to different elementary and middle schools, as they lived on separate sides of the city.
Even in separate schools, though, it was hard to escape the name of Chloe Beale. In sixth grade, she made it to the state spelling bee, and the local newspaper had a little article of it. Her dad pointed it out to Beca. To which Beca just said "mmm" as she waited for him to give her the reason why he was telling this to her.
"You guys went to daycare together. You guys loved hanging out with each other."
"Dad, daycare? That was a million years ago."
Then on orientation day of freshman year, as the principal was delivering his welcome speech, she saw Chloe Beale for the first time in forever, sitting on the bleachers on the other side of the gym.
And she was looking so, so pretty.
So pretty in fact, that Beca completely missed the cue from the band director to start the school fight song, resulting in her whipping her saxophone up way too fast, hitting herself in the face instead of slipping the mouthpiece into her, well, mouth.
Her friends teased her endlessly about the bruise and its cause for weeks.
Turned out, Chloe moved across town to Beca's side, so their distance was cut from a 20 minute drive to just under five.
Over the next couple of years, they saw each other in the halls, in classes, but never really hung out with each other. They ran in different social groups. Beca with the band kids, Chloe with mostly choir kids, and the so called “cool" kids.
That changed fall semester of senior year. They had chemistry class the same time in their schedule, and ended up lab partners. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you looked at it), they were both pretty awful at chemistry, resulting in them needing to spend extra time together figuring out the labs and homework.
Even after they changed partners at the start of the second unit, they kept studying together pretty regularly.
Then one day at Chloe’s house, over a mess of lab notebooks, homework packets, and textbooks, Chloe kissed her.
Beca had kissed people before, but they were always at some band party or school theater kid party (she wasn't singing, she liked to be part of the lighting crew). Always some group game or in the heat of the moment.
This was nothing like those kisses.
Her kiss with Chloe Beale was soft and sweet, like waking up refreshed on the most beautiful spring morning. But also burning, like putting your hands too close to the bonfire.
It was confusing. Beca didn't know how to describe every single individual, jumbled sensation. But she did know that she wanted more of it.
And more of it she got.
In hand holding down the hallway, and good luck kisses under bleachers.
Chloe was on the dance team, which performed at the school's home basketball games. Band members were required to play in pep band for two basketball games a semester, but Beca went to them all. Just for that moment when the dance team would finish their routine, and Chloe would search in the saxophone rows of the band section. And when she locked eyes with her over the heads of tall clarinet players, Chloe would smile the purest smile.
Beca was sure she sported a similar goofy grin.
The school year passed by too quick, with classes and extracurriculars and applying for colleges. Chloe seemed to know exactly where she wanted to go. Beca, on the other hand, couldn't have been more confused. All the schools she looked at boasted the "best programs" and "top professors". In the end, she applied to a bunch that seemed reasonable, and also some that Chloe applied to as well.
They decided early that they wanted the other person to apply to whatever college they wanted to, and they'd figure out their relationship after their choices were solidified. After all, why worry about something that may never happen?
Chloe applied to her dream school early action but got waitlisted. Beca had applied to her choice of top school early and got in. So at least she'd have a back up in case she didn't get into any other schools later.
Then during the regular admission period, Chloe got into her dream school, and Beca got rejected from there. She got accepted to other places, but not to the one that Chloe was sure to choose.
And suddenly, all the "if that happens" became much too real.
Then they pushed accept on their college admissions websites, and it became for sure. Chloe was going west, and Beca was going south.
They decided to hold off on discussing their future together until after prom, which was two weeks after they confirmed their college decisions.
Those couple of weeks passed by way too fast. Chloe was a part of the prom planning committee due to being on student government, so it seemed like every free moment of hers was consumed by that. Beca, even though she was not on student government, got dragged into many a shopping trip by her girlfriend, and was a bouncing board for ideas at any and all hours. Chloe once called her at 4 am after getting an idea for the ceiling decorations from a dream. Beca had panicked when she saw the call at the ungodly hour, thinking something was wrong, but it turned out to just be Chloe using her as her personal voice note app.
Chloe completely forgot about it when they talked the next morning.
Final exams and AP tests were coming up in the same time frame, adding more onto their plates. They tried to enjoy their remaining time together, but it was impossible with the end looming on the near horizon. They snapped at each other constantly, resulting in more apologies those few days than the entire six months before.
Chloe kept dragging Beca on supply shopping trips, of which Beca would normally be okay with, but they were just so constant. And they’d go long, so she’d get tired and annoyed and complain. To which they’d fight, say sorry, and the cycle would repeat.
It was two days before prom that Chloe realized she forgot to officially ask Beca to go with her as her date. At which time the dam broke and Chloe cried for an hour in Beca's arms.
Beca was admittedly a bit disappointed not getting a prom-posal. She knew she'd hate the attention of it if it happened at school with people watching. But maybe, she thought, if Chloe could show their love in front of other people in that large manner, they could save their relationship.
Beca could have also just asked Chloe, but Chloe was always the one asking Beca, so it didn't feel right.
The day of prom, they took pictures at Beca's house, with their dads' reminiscing about how Beca and Chloe were as toddlers in daycare. It felt unfair to Beca that they were having a jolly good time chatting while this might be the last time she ever got to be with Chloe. She lost track of the times her dad told her to smile when he was taking pictures, as she could feel her mouth set into a grimace.
The dance was fine. It was all just fine.
They broke up the week after.
And Beca was a mess.
Like, fuck. If anything, people were underselling how painful it was. Less eating chocolate alone with smeared mascara and more curled under covers, full body heaving, bargaining with any god that would listen to make the pain to go away.
Hating everything about yourself and the other person.
Second guessing how things could have been different with a little faith and a divergent choice.
The first day, she sobbed in bed for an entire day until there were no water left in her body to purge. And she promised herself that she would never let herself fall in love again.
But years went by, and it was crazy how hot-blooded heartbreak can turn into a dull ache into just a memory.
What knocked her on her knees those first few days after the break up just felt like another page in her story now. Not that she didn't feel pangs from it every now and then, but she could look at it from afar now. Appreciate it, even.
She dated a bit in college, dating her new friend Jesse for a few years. He was handsome, fun, and easy going. He was alright. The relationship didn't feel the way her and Chloe's relationship did, but maybe that was a good thing. Giving up the intensity of young love with its fluctuating highs and lows, for something stable.
She could see herself marrying him.
Then one day junior year, she saw Chloe Beale on her campus.
Or at least someone who she thought was Chloe Beale. Beca did this a lot freshman year, thinking every single redhead was her ex. Shockingly, none of them were. It was like she was on a separate college campus thousands of miles away.
She was sure it was the case here, doing a double take on a random girl at the student union. But it didn't feel fake. This felt like it really was her. Which was impossible, because again, Chloe was on an entirely different coast.
She couldn't let the feeling go, though, so of course she went to check Chloe's instagram. In typical teen fashion, they had unfollowed each other after their breakup. Beca still had checked it religiously for months afterwards though, even knowing it would only bring her pain. She had thought about DM-ing her many times, especially while being drunk, but her friends had a habit of knowing exactly when she was about to, and taking her phone away. It's how she learned she was a crying drunk.
Beca opened up Chloe's most recent post. It was her with a group of friends. She started reading the caption.
"Sad to be leaving the family I made here but excited to start a new chapter at…"
Beca started dumbfounded at her phone. It was true. Chloe was here. Here on her campus.
It was her.
"Why'd you transfer?"
"I just didn't like the program there, I kinda felt like everyone was trying to compete with each other, rather than build each other up. Started looking into other options, different majors, different places. One of my friend's sister happened to go to the program here, so we talked a bit about it when she visited, and it sounded so much better than what I was in. So, pulled the trigger on transferring."
“I’m sorry. That sucks, but glad you found something better." Glad you're here.
“Me too! Just from the first few weeks, it really is night and day. And what are you studying?"
"Biochem," Beca said, kind of sheepishly.
Chloe's face lit up. "No way, Beca Mitchell the nerd. I remember you saying something science but didn’t know you’d stick with it. So you're saying the hours upon hours we spent studying chemistry awakened your inner scientist? I can't believe I'll be responsible for inspiring the next Nobel prize winner."
"Geez, you're still as embarrassing as ever."
She continued to grin. "You love it."
As soon as it was out of her mouth, she seemed to realize the weight of her words.
"Sorry, I didn't mean…"
"Chloe, it's fine."
They sat in silence for a little while. Beca wished she knew what was going on in the other girl's head. She wondered if it was the same thing going through hers.
Could they be friends again? Should they be friends again?
Those were stupid questions, because within a week, they were hanging out again, studying together at the library, grabbing lunch between classes.
Jesse complained about Beca spending less time with him and more time with Chloe, to which she brushed him off, saying he could hang out with his other friends if he wanted to.
She knew that he was being reasonable, but all of a sudden, his caring nature just felt stifling to her. Like she was losing her freedom. She spent less and less time with him, sometimes going a couple weeks without seeing him.
On the other hand, her and Chloe had been getting closer with each passing day. Sometimes, she thought that there was something happening between them, but then she thought about the heartbreak she went through when they broke up, and that sobered her quickly.
Plus, she was still dating Jesse.
She tried to make an effort to see him more, once she realized she should salvage their relationship, but whenever they were together he just complained that she talked about Chloe too much. Beca has talked to him about when she dated Chloe, but just the bare bones of it. Which was fine, because that was the past, and that was high school. There were a lot of things in high school people just wanted to forget about. Jesse maybe thought differently, given how many stories he’s told about his time there and his dating history.
Now that Chloe was on campus, it was a much tougher topic to ignore.
She tried to avoid the topic as much as possible, but Jesse wouldn’t let up.
“I just--I just want to know if you’re in love with her!”
“Jesus Christ, Jesse! Insecure much?”
She knew it was the exact thing not to say, but couldn’t stop it from coming out of her mouth. Jesse’s face crumpled.
They broke up that night.
She didn’t tell Chloe about it for a while. What was there to tell? Her and Jesse had been drifting apart for weeks. That was just the final nail in the coffin to make it official.
It wasn’t until it finally hit her after a week that they were really over, that she cried. Chloe immediately wrapped her up in her arms, soothing her first before asking what was wrong.
Jesse was a good guy. She had some great years with him. As much as their last few months were wrought with tension, she really did want the best for him. And he didn’t deserve the coldness she gave him at the end.
But they weren’t going to last forever, and it was better to do something about that now, than let it fester than explode later.
A thought passed her mind, while she was firmly in Chloe’s arms. Maybe Jesse was right. Maybe she was still in love with Chloe Beale.
Then one day, while watching a movie sitting on Chloe's couch, Beca found the courage to kiss her. Light, in case she read the signals completely wrong. Her heart was beating out of her fucking chest. She’d never been the one to make the first move, and she was terrified she just ruined the friendship she worked hard to build back.
But Chloe pulled her in, and they ended up making out for just a little while until Beca fell asleep in the middle of it, being extremely sleep deprived.
Beca woke up a couple hours later embarrassed as hell, but Chloe just laughed, continuing to run her fingers through Beca’s hair.
They tried to take the new thing slow, but Chloe was the first thing Beca thinks about every morning. And you can only go so slow when someone occupied your every waking thought.
They went on dates, had sex, studied together, met each other’s friends. It by all means felt like dating. But they didn’t put a label on it.
Then Beca got scared of how serious it was feeling, and broke things off with Chloe. Beca wanted them to be just friends, without the extra stuff, and Chloe graciously accepted. Beca can tell this wasn’t what Chloe really wanted, but Chloe pulled her in, and all she could do was cry and accept the new reality that she herself chose.
Then Chloe got a job in LA, and Beca accepted one in New York.
And suddenly it was deja vu, sitting next to each other knowing the conversation that was about to happen. Which was stupid, because they weren’t not dating anymore. They were just friends, Beca made sure of that. Yet it felt exactly like a break up for some god knows reason.
The words came out a bit easier this time, maybe because they both have something they’re specifically running towards. A career they’re passionate about, rather than some college they’ve picked out of thousands that they hoped to fulfill all their hopes and dreams.
And maybe because they realize if they found their way back to each other once, they could do it again.
She’s not sure which break up hurt more, but she did cry less with this one. Maybe because she’s been through it before.
Not like this was even a break up.
She had a thought that maybe this is just adulthood. This was growing up. Realizing things can’t stay the same no matter how hard you grasp at it. Needing to let go to things you’ve poured your heart in.
To leave room for something else.
She wasn’t sure what or who could ever fill the Chloe sized void, but she learned from Chloe to leave things hopeful.
They promised to still keep in touch, but it was difficult, with both of them in busy jobs and lofty goals. Chloe was working on her first novel, and Beca was grinding at a tiny biotech start up.
And it’s a lot harder to show up at someone’s apartment every night when you no longer live within walking distance.
Beca still thought of her often, wondering if she still has tea the way she had it in college, if she made dinner today or just ordered sushi.
On a random Monday, she received a package with a book inside.
Stealing Hearts by Chloe Beale.
The box came with a note inside.
Hi Bec! Hope you’re doing well. Here’s my first book! You don’t have to read it. But I hope you like it if you do.
P.S. I saw a surly cat the other day that reminded me of you.
The note sent a pang to her heart. She didn’t realize just how badly she missed Chloe. She rolled her eyes at the post script, but she was secretly relieved that Chloe was thinking about her.
Of course, she dropped everything to read it immediately. It was a murder mystery, which was one of the genres that Chloe became obsessed with their senior year of college as she was trying to figure out what sort of writing she wanted to do. She had taken a shot at a mystery short story contest, and wound up second place.
The next day, Beca showed up to work and fell asleep at her desk. Her best friend and co-worker Stacie had to kick her in the shin to wake her up when their boss came around.
Somehow it’s fitting, that Beca is trudging through a foot of snow at 2 am, and Chloe is living in the sunshine.
Then one day, she woke up to a text from Chloe. She figured it was just a picture of her latest writing spot. Chloe loved to send pictures of her day with a little caption. She used to send them on Snapchat, but Beca abandoned that app a while ago.
Chloe [6:43 am]: Hi Bec! So, this is crazy. But I'm living in NYC now. Didn't want to tell you until it was for sure happening so I didn't jinx it. But I'm here and it's so COLD and let me know if you want to meet up :)
Beca blinked, convinced she was still asleep and this was a dream.
It wouldn’t be the first time she dreamt about Chloe.
She texted back before she lost her nerve and morning delirium.
Beca [8:05 am]: coffee tomorrow?
Chloe [8:06 am]: Yes please!!
She heart reacted the message and grinned. She normally hated mornings, but she got ready this Friday with a pep in her step.
“So tell me, why murder mysteries? Am I just having coffee with a serial killer?”
Chloe smiles, like she's gotten this exact question phrased the exact same way, a thousand times. And she probably has.
Beca almost feels lame about it, like she's just any other boring person that Chloe had to talk to about this, but she really is interested in the answer. One of the growing up things she had to do was to do things she previously would have thought to have been too cool for. “Cringe” as the kids say.
"I think, you have to find such intricacies with writing mysteries, and adding the grief element on top of that, lends to a complex telling of human experience. It's interesting writing about people and details and really I think it's just an extension of real life, with the backdrop of a murder mystery. Like no different than a hallmark movie where the main plot is just that people have returned for the holidays." She pauses. "Well, that's like my usual pitch. But to be real with you, at the core of it, it's just fun. Putting together a puzzle in literature form, where you don't have a picture on the box of what it looks like.”
"You always did like a good challenge."
“I got you to be my friend didn’t I?”
“Ouch, man. I like to think you haven’t totally figured me out yet.” She scrunches her nose. “And that sounds awesome, Chlo. Really. And, you know, it does make sense. You always found people interesting. And I think you have a great understanding of people." A pause. “And stuff.”
“You were doing so well, being so sincere. You just had to add in ‘and stuff’ didn’t you?”
“I still have a reputation to uphold.”
“With that reputation being that you’re a softie.”
“No, with the reputation being I’m too cool for school.”
“Hmmm sure. You just said that I have a great understanding of people. And if I’m not mistaken, you’re a person.”
“I’m an enigma."
“I’ve got you figured out, Beca Mitchell.”
Beca huffs at that, knowing she isn’t winning this battle. “How long are you staying?” She asks, almost afraid of the answer. They have a little history of moving apart.
“As long as I can. My agent is out here, so hopefully I’ll be able to settle down a bit here. It’ll be nice to not worry about moving every two years.”
It’s so much easier to keep in touch now that they’re living in the same city. And it turns out, Chloe’s apartment is just eleven blocks from Beca’s. Which is a lot farther than when they were on the same college campus, but a lot closer than when they were on opposite coasts.
They’re both still extremely busy, but now they spend their evenings decompressing not alone. Some days, she ends up leaving for work from Chloe’s apartment, and vice versa.
Beca invites her to her Stacie’s board game nights, where she discovers Chloe leaves no survivors in Scrabble. Chloe brings Beca to lunch with her agent, Aubrey, who looks like she could shoot laser beams from her eyes if she wanted to. But Beca can tell how well they work together and care about each other.
It feels like another restart, freshly getting to know each other again at the new point in their lives. In a way, it seems like nothing changed. But it also feels like she’s seeing a Chloe that she’s never met before.
It’s exhilarating.
“Oh my god. Bec, look.” Chloe turns her phone towards Beca. They’re sitting on Beca’s couch on a Wednesday night after a day of work. Chinese takeout boxes litter the coffee table in front of them. “Look how mad you are.”
It’s a picture from senior prom. Beca’s in her tux and tie, and Chloe’s in her beautiful blue gown that’s adorned with silver trim. They’re in the classic prom pose, with Beca wrapping her arms around Chloe from behind, and Chloe placing her hands over Beca’s.
And true to Chloe’s word, Beca looks pissed.
“I remember thinking I was going to murder the next person that told me to smile.”
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t murder my dad.” She zooms in on Beca’s face. “Those cheeks, I just want to pinch them.”
Beca swipes up on the screen to close the photos app. “Okay, I think we’ve had enough of that.”
Chloe laughs. “You were so cute then. Even mad.”
“I’m cute now.”
“Yes you are,” Chloe coos as she squishes Beca’s cheeks.
“Unhand me, woman!” Beca grumbles, wriggling out of Chloe’s reach and jumping off the couch.
“Get those cheeks back here!” Chloe yells, chasing after her.
Christmas movies are playing in the background as they’re baking and decorating cookies. Currently, it’s Meet Me in St. Louis. Chloe’s seen the movie a hundred times, but it’s Beca’s first time even hearing about it. The only reason Chloe is letting Beca off the hook and not forcing her to sit in front of the couch and focus her attention is that they’re running short on time. Both of them leave for the holidays tomorrow, so this is the last day that they’re able to do their baking extravaganza.
And an extravaganza it is.
Chloe picked out 3 types of cookies, and required Beca to do the same.
So here they are, spending an entire day mixing ingredients, cutting cookies, and frosting.
Chloe loves to bake, and came prepared and ready. Beca bakes once in a blue moon, and chose what looked to be the easiest cookies possible without being totally boring by picking chocolate chip cookies.
Chloe’s cookies have turned out perfect, and Beca has already burned one batch. Not her fault that she accidentally put 24 minutes on her timer instead of 14. (Okay, it was her fault, but semantics.)
Minus that disaster, things have been going pretty smoothly. Slower than anticipated, but otherwise good.
They’re on their last batch, now; snickerdoodles, Chloe’s mom’s recipe. Beca has been pretty hands off on this one, mainly just passing ingredients over when asked for.
The cookies are fairly simple, but Chloe insists that the getting the ratios exactly right is essential. Beca had been pretty relaxed with her measurements for her own cookies.
Beca doesn’t mind this moment of being in the backseat; it gives her an opportunity to watch Chloe in her natural element. She observes Chloe’s brow scrunch as she slowly trickles flour into the waiting bowl, which is balanced on a kitchen scale. The kitchen scale is something Chloe brought over, as Beca never had a need for one, not seeing the value of delicate precision in the kitchen.
She watches Chloe’s hands work the dough ever so slightly, barely bringing the ingredients into a cohesive ball. She thinks that if she had a cooking teacher like Chloe, maybe she would bake more things.
There’s a strand of hair that fell out of Chloe’s ponytail, and she thinks about brushing it behind Chloe’s ear. Yet that strand out of place somehow makes her look even more perfect.
“Hello?”
She snaps out of whatever trance she was in. “What?”
“Baking sheet?”
“Right.” She hands it over, along with the tube of parchment paper.
Then eleven minutes later, Chloe closes the oven door, taking their last batch out. She leans her back against the kitchen island, her hands bracing on the counter. She lets out a sigh of relief. “Well, I guess that’s finally done.”
“It’s been 84 years.”
Chloe laughs. “Are we watching the Titanic after this?”
“If we do, I’m falling asleep in the first ten minutes.”
“Just don’t forget to set your alarm so you wake up for your flight tomorrow.”
“Okay, mom.”
Chloe smiles, the amusement in her face shifting to something softer. Adoring.
“What?” Beca asks, but she knows what.
Chloe Beale looks at her and suddenly nothing else matters. Not the pile of work sitting in her email (despite it being the holidays). Not the heater in her apartment groaning like it’s on its last legs. Not all the times she had her heart broken and broke someone else’s.
Not even the burned cookies sitting in the trash, smoking the place up like a fireplace.
Because Chloe Beale looks at her and suddenly she believes every single love song and every single holiday Hallmark movie. She believes in stuff like soulmates and “if you love it then let it go, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be.”
Because at every step of the way, there was Chloe. Sometimes out of sight, but waiting on the porch step for Beca to come home. And this is what home is. This is who home is.
Their lips meet in the middle, and Beca hopes with all her heart that this is the last first kiss she has with Chloe Beale. She’s done with letting her go and she’s done with running away. This time, she prays it sticks.
And something, maybe the spirit of the holidays, tells her that it will.