Chapter Text
She supposed she should be down with the others. Divine Justinia liked to ensure her Chantry was a welcoming one during wintersend, and that meant that even the templar and lay sisters and brothers had a chance to relax a little. She had confided in Leliana once that she believed it would do the people good to see the people of the Chantry as humans, just like them.
Sometimes it was hard to tell if Justinia’s optimism and worldliness were having any effect. The templar and mages had erupted into a full-blown war after Anders – a Grey Warden whom Renya herself had recruited and snapped out of the jaws of the templar, and who had then thanked her for saving his life by running away – blew the Chantry in Kirkwall into dust. It had not only killed Grand Cleric Elthina, but also the hope of any sort of peaceful resolution between the mages and templar.
“If it is as bad as you say it is,” Renya said, “then you must stay. Save the world so I have someplace nice to come home to, yes?”
“I’ll do that, my love. Don’t worry.”
Renya had only been gone for a few months, but her absence was felt as always. Leliana leaned on her desk and rested her head on her hands. It was different this time. While this wouldn’t be the first wintersend Leliana had spent apart from her love, this was the first wintersend Leliana knew Renya wouldn’t simply be arriving later, after the new year or after her Grey Warden business had concluded or after a storm allowed her passage to Val Royeaux. She wouldn’t be returning unless it was with a cure for the Grey Warden taint. If she returned at all.
Leliana pressed her fingers into the amulet under her shirt, taking small comfort in feeling the throb of her heart against it. Renya had done the same before she left. They had been lying in the bedroom set aside for the Commander of the Grey in Soldier’s Peak, and before Leliana had fallen asleep, Renya had held the purple amulet over Leliana’s heart.
“Whevever I am,” Renya had breathed, “this is where my heart will always be.”
She’d said something similar before they fought the archdemon on top of Fort Drakon. Leliana hardly dared to hope for a second miracle. At one time, Leliana had taken great enjoyment in stories of star-crossed lovers; the relentless fight of two people against the odds seemed exciting and romantic when she wasn’t the one living it. Not for the first time, she wondered if she should have agreed when Renya first suggested they run away from Amaranthine. Perhaps she had been too harsh to tell her she couldn’t leave the Wardens. Anders had, hadn’t he? And so had Alistair. True, Renya might still have gone on this journey eventually, but it would have been after years of uninterrupted marital – bonded – bliss, instead of after stealing scraps of time in between their separate adventures. And if she had not been working for the Divine, Leliana might have been able to travel with her, instead of… A knock on her door pulled her from her darkening thoughts.
“Sister Nightingale?” It was one of the young lay sisters, Corinne. She’d taken a liking to Leliana, despite Leliana’s necessary aloofness.
With a sigh, Leliana pulled her cowl over her head and fixed it so her face was in shadow before answering the office door. Sure enough, Sister Corinne was there, eyes wide with concern she’d disturbed the Left Hand of the Divine.
“Your pardon, but Divine Justinia noticed your absence and… and sent me to check on you.”
“Yes, my apologies,” Leliana said smoothly. “I was working and must have lost track of time.” An easy enough lie, and if Corinne didn’t believe her, she had enough sense to not show it.
“Of course.” She waited awkwardly, but when Leliana said nothing else, she offered her a wavering smile. “Well, I will tell Her Most Holy you are on your way, Sister.”
“Thank you.” She was left alone again. It took her only a moment to ensure her expression was the inscrutable one expected of the Left Hand. Each day it was easier to maintain. Caring for, and being cared about by, other people put both her and them at risk, and so it was better for all if she stayed distant. And as Divine Justinia leaned on her skills more, there was even more reason for Leliana to keep a quiet, emotionless existence. Besides, she didn’t have much to smile about anymore, anyway.
She twisted the gold ring on her marriage finger, and almost smiled at the gesture. One more tug at her cowl to straighten it as her face fell into its usual sternness, and, pulling on gloves to cover both her ring and her fingerprints, she swept out the door to make an appearance at the Divine’s side.