Chapter Text
Soobin is bad at feelings, he always has been. He doesn’t remember a time in which he genuinely understood his own emotions. His therapist once said that all of it stems from the childhood trauma that he endured. However, Soobin can’t pinpoint which exact moments were the cause of his jumbled-up feelings. Sometimes he thinks it’s the verbal abuse, and other times he is certain that the constant pressure to be exactly how his parents wanted him to be turned him into who he is today.
Whenever Soobin is put into a situation that requires honest emotions to be unleashed, he feels himself suffocating.
The dread of disappointing others keeps him in a chokehold. Yet, ironically enough, all he does is disappoint everyone. Moreover, his actions rarely represent who he truly is.
Sometimes even he himself can’t believe the things he does. Most of the time it’s not intentional or planned. Once he slips into the mess his mind is, his real self fades, just to be replaced by a fear-fueled version.
Things rarely go the way he wants them to, which causes him more distress than necessary.
So having to man up to face Jay is driving his anxiety to another level. His heart is hammering in his chest. He can almost feel it in his own throat, while his stomach feels oddly heavy, as if he has eaten stones that slowly drag it down. His hands sweat for no particular reason and, like usual, he chews on his bottom lip.
The fear that builds up inside him feels as if it’s going to cause him a heart attack sometime soon.
But why is he so scared of this confrontation? Soobin is unsure.
Perhaps his body doesn’t want to endure another beating, or maybe the shame from his actions is so big that facing Jay feels like it will be the end of his world. He would like to lie and say all of this is because he is still mad at Jay, but even that would not explain anything he feels.
Soobin has been going through the same scenario in his head for the past hour or so, trying to figure out a way to fix what went wrong between him and Jay. Honestly, he hasn’t been this nervous in a good while– except all those times around Beomgyu .
His heart seriously needs a break from all the stress. He’ll make sure to relax his mind once all of this is solved. Besides, he’s supposed to focus all his attention on the upcoming O.W.L. exams.
Things are stacking up in rapid waves. If he doesn’t get a grip soon, he is going to drown.
Soobin’s stomach rumbles for the fifth time that night. All he has eaten were the strawberries from the container under his bed, and a small chocolate cupcake that Heeseung had brought him back from dinner.
His friend had just looked at him and shook his head while dropping off the food.
Even Soobin knows that he won’t be able to avoid Jay forever, especially not after having promised Heeseung that he is going to apologize for starting a fight in the first place.
But as long as Soobin can’t come up with a good way to word his apology, he is going to act like a coward and hide. Like he is doing right now.
It leaves his nerves uneasy, but if Soobin steps out of his room, he is going to surely run into Jay. Their rooms are right beside each other, after all. He is glad there is a bathroom in his chambers because else he’d have to jump out the window, there is no way he’ll walk past Jay’s room when he knows the other is inside it.
Beomgyu’s laughter rang through the hallway a few minutes ago. So Soobin knows the boy is now in his room, but there was a second pair of footsteps that accompanied Beomgyu.
Now, it is just speculation, but Soobin is certain that Jay must be with Beomgyu. At least that seems to be the most plausible explanation. After all, only Gryffindors are allowed in this part of the castle.
Maybe Soobin is delusional and is deliberately ignoring the fact that Heeseung hasn’t returned to their room yet–he and Jay usually return around the same time–but there can be many explanations for his suspicions. It’s not like his friend is glued to Jay.
However, a dreadful feeling creeps up into his chest, forcing Soobin out of his room and stuck standing in front of Beomgyu’s door. He tells himself the only reason he is here, is because he finally got the courage to confront Jay, but in reality, he needs to know who’s in Beomgyu’s room.
The muffled giggling coming from the younger’s room sends a shiver down Soobin’s spine. Out of pure idiocy, Soobin presses his ear against the wooden door.
His heart picks up pace when Beomgyu’s voice hits his ear. “You’re so annoying.” The younger’s tone is playful .
“What? Are you acting all shy now?” That is definitely not Jay’s voice.
Soobin’s jaw tightens in anticipation. He really shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but it’s so hard to pull himself away from the door.
“W-Who said I’m shy?” Beomgyu is stuttering –something he never does.
“Aw, your face is all red.” Soobin can hear shuffling from behind the door. “Cute.” And then there is silence–deafening silence.
He doesn’t know what’s happening because, simply, he can't see anything. Something tells him to just turn around and go back inside his own room. It would be much easier to act like he didn’t just listen in on a private conversation.
But nothing about Soobin’s life is that easy. Things usually escalate within seconds, so why back down now? For all he knows, Beomgyu could be in danger. At least that’s how he reasons with his own conscious.
It’s a dumb idea, he tells himself. A god-damn irrational idea. Though not even that stops him from pushing down the door handle to barge inside Beomgyu’s room.
What greets him inside is worse than he imagined.
For one, his suspicions had been right, it was not Jay that entered the room alongside Beomgyu: but Yeonjun.
It’s beyond him how the other managed to sneak into Gryffindor’s dormitory undetected, but that’s his least bit of worry.
Yeonjun is on top of Beomgyu, caging the younger underneath his body. They’re making out. Soobin feels dizzy.
Just a few seconds later, Beomgyu must have realized someone’s caught them because he frantically pushes Yeonjun off of himself and sits up straight to face him.
“Soobin Hyung?” The boy sounds panicked.
However, Soobin can’t bear to look at Beomgyu any second longer. His gaze shifts to Yeonjun, who by now is also sitting up.
Yeonjun is smiling at him, which makes all of this a thousand times worse. God, he can tell how much the Slytherin is enjoying this. Just the thought alone of Soobin's suffering must make him satisfied. It must be as clear as day that Soobin is hurt by what he just witnessed.
Why does he keep doing this to himself? His life could be so much easier if he stopped caring about what Beomgyu is up to. It’s a one-sided crush, he knows that, everyone does. So why won’t he himself accept it?
Maybe he did hope that Beomgyu felt something for him because they had kissed twice , after all. However, it seems as if he had been the only one getting his hopes up.
There was a reason why Beomgyu told him to keep quiet about their shared kisses.
Having seen enough, Soobin shifts his gaze away from either of them and instead stares at his own hand that is tightly clasped around the doorknob. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“It’s okay…” Beomgyu sounds oddly quieter than before.
“I was looking for Jay. If you see him, tell him I want to talk,” Soobin whispers before turning around. The door behind him shuts harsher than he intends to, but he can’t bring himself to care.
His legs are wobbly, and his hands slightly shake. He is back inside his room much faster than he’d ever been. Soobin tries to stay calm, he really does.
It doesn’t matter , he tells himself as he presses his lips into a thin line. His eyebrows come together, and he tries his hardest to suppress the tears from flowing, but it's to no avail.
Silently Soobin cries. His face scrunches up, it’s all pretty ugly, so he is kind of glad he can’t see himself right now. The last thing he needs is to actually face his reflection while crying. He doesn’t make any sounds either because it would be way more pathetic if Beomgyu and Yeonjun hear his pitiful cries through the thin walls.
His bottom lip is quivering with every sharp inhale he takes. At that moment, he is glad Heeseung hasn’t returned yet. He really doesn’t need to hear his friend’s stupid words of affirmation. It would just make him more miserable. Plus, Heeseung doesn’t even know about the kisses Soobin shared with Beomgyu.
With no more energy left in his body, Soobin slides underneath the covers of his bed and cries as much as he needs to.
The next days to come go by in a blur and Soobin can barely remember what he did throughout the days, but it’s not like it mattered. Most of it was spent avoiding Beomgyu and Jay as well. Although Jay had knocked on his door the day after Soobin had caught Beomgyu making out with Yeonjun, Soobin had opted to not let the other in. Hell, he would rather rot alone in his room than face either of the two. But Soobin knows he can’t avoid Jay forever, especially not when he finally decides to attend Quidditch practice like he always does.
No matter how hurt Soobin might be, as the captain he has responsibilities to keep and some part of him needs Quidditch to uplift his mood somehow.
The moment he steps foot onto the field, he dreads ever leaving his room because, to his dismay, Jay is waiting in full gear in the middle of the field.
And he isn’t the only one, no. His entire team is there, most likely waiting for him.
With a heavy sigh, Soobin jumps over his own shadow and walks over to the others, ready to face Jay once and for all. He prepares himself for the worst. At least if Jay tries to punch him a second time, then Soobin is ready to take it all.
For a moment, there is only the sound of the wind howling past them all. Nobody says a word, and somewhere in the distance birds are chirping loudly.
Soobin’s eyes are locked with Jay’s as they stand a few feet away from each other. He can feel the tension between them, but Soobin hadn’t expected anything else.
They still haven’t talked about what happened. Nor has either of them apologized to one another. Not that Soobin thinks he’s in the wrong. If anything, he feels like Jay is the one who owes him an apology.
Everyone is watching them intently, but Soobin doesn’t really care. He is preoccupied with trying to figure out what might be going through Jay’s mind, or what his next actions could be.
“Come on,” Heeseung murmurs to Jay before shoving him closer to Soobin.
Soobin doesn’t know what this is all about, but he figures his friend must have something to do with all this .
Jay lets out a sigh before finally speaking up. “I’m sorry about everything .”
Soobin can only blink in surprise. He really hadn’t expected Jay to see his own wrongs. At least not this soon.
“I didn’t mean what I said. I was upset that day and let my anger out on you. I’m sorry for that, and also for punching you.”
It’s almost odd how kind and regretful Jay can sound. A huge contrast from the Jay who had caused Soobin great pain.
But there is no point in being petty. Not when Soobin, too, had made mistakes along the way. “I’m sorry too for how I reacted and for also punching you.”
It seems as if the tension in the air slowly fades away as Soobin shakes hands with Jay, marking a mutual understanding of forgiveness.
“See, that wasn’t so hard now, was it?” Heeseung comes forward and throws his arms over both Jay’s and Soobin’s shoulders to pull them into a group hug. “Now we can all go back to practicing properly.”
He has to agree, no matter what transpired between them, Soobin still cares most about Quidditch, and having his team back already helps lift a lot of the heavy weight off his shoulders.
Time passes quickly while Soobin practices with his team—mostly because he is trying to make up for the lost time.
His team, however, seems just as willing to push past all their previous boundaries and give it their all. Soobin doesn’t know what has gotten into everyone, he thinks it’s a strange day but whatever it is, he is glad that things are slowly going back to normal.
As normal as can be, of course. There are still awkward moments on the field and a bit of tension, but Soobin doesn’t really mind. Everything is still fresh.
When the clouds start to fade and day turns to night, Soobin finally lets his team off. They are all exhausted, including Soobin.
He thanks them all for showing up and trying their best until eventually they all disappear into the dark of the night.
Soobin is left standing alone on the field, gathering all the gear left behind by the others. He collects each ball needed for Quidditch, and even the golden snitch is stuffed back into the box that Soobin keeps it in.
When he turns around to make his way back to the castle, he almost jumps back in surprise. In front of him stands no other but Beomgyu himself. Beomgyu just stares at Soobin, and for a moment, Soobin wonders if Beomgyu had been watching him all along.
He had been so focused on gathering everything, he hadn’t paid any mind to the things going on around him. So it could be possible that Beomgyu has been standing there far longer than Soobin took note of.
There is an awkward silence between them, but Soobin doesn’t even know what to say—he doesn’t want to say anything.
After what he had witnessed a couple of days ago, Soobin realized how stupid he was for putting his hopes up too high with Beomgyu. It was clear from the start that the younger only has eyes for Yeonjun.
Soobin isn’t used to this kind of silence between them. Usually, it’s just the odd shyness that keeps him from speaking, but now it’s just sadness that wraps around his heart and soul, sewing his mouth shut in the process.
“Hi…” is all Beomgyu says, playing with his fingers, which Soobin takes note of immediately. It’s something Beomgyu only does when he is nervous.
“Hey, Beomgyu.” The usual uptight tone in Soobin’s voice is not present anymore. All he can do is think back to how Yeonjun’s lips were pressed against the same lips Soobin had kissed prior.
It makes him wonder how often Beomgyu had been kissing both him and Yeonjun. Is this who Beomgyu really is? “Why are you here?” Soobin asks with a monotone voice, and he sees the corners of Beomgyu’s mouth turn downward.
“You’re upset with me.” Of course, Soobin is, but he has no right to be, so there is no way he’ll ever admit any of this.
“I’m not upset with you.”
“Yes, you are. You’ve been avoiding me as well.” Clearly, Beomgyu isn’t going to drop the topic.
Beomgyu stares at him, waiting for an answer. Soobin takes a deep breath and sighs. "Okay, maybe I am a bit upset.” He looks away, not meeting Beomgyu's gaze. "But I don't want to talk about it."
Soobin knows Beomgyu won’t let him off the hook just like that, but this really isn’t the right time to lay bare all his feelings. His hurt and disappointment are palpable, but he doesn't want to say it out loud. He doesn't want to admit that he's upset, and he doesn't want to reveal the true depth of his emotions. Especially not in front of the person who had caused them. So he simply hides it all, his face a mask of indifference. He swallows down the lump in his throat and says nothing, hoping this moment will pass quickly.
“Is this because of… me kissing Yeonjun?”
It seems as though Beomgyu is not getting the memo, trying to push further and get Soobin to talk about what is really going on. Soobin simply responds with a stern look, refusing to answer any questions.
Beomgyu takes a step closer, but Soobin backs off immediately, putting as much distance between them as possible. He can see the hurt glimmering in the younger’s eyes, but for once Soobin doesn’t allow himself to feel guilty.
“Hyung, aren’t we friends?” Beomgyu asks him like he hadn’t been the one to kiss Soobin twice . “Friends shouldn’t care about these things.”
The younger’s words almost have Soobin’s blood boiling in anger. How dare he make it sound as if Soobin is a fool for caring? “Friends also don’t kiss each other.” He counters Beomgyu’s argument.
Beomgyu's mouth parts in surprise, and he looks like he's about to retort. But Soobin’s gaze is too intense and he falls silent. The air between them is thick with tension.
“You don’t just kiss your friend like that and then go kiss your other friend the next day.” Perhaps it’s a bad idea to continue this conversation, but Soobin is tired of always holding back.
“If that’s how you feel about it, then I think you should be more honest with me.” Beomgyu frowns at Soobin. “There is a reason why I told you it was a mistake… both times were.”
Soobin’s anger rises as he listens to Beomgyu. He clasps his hands together tightly, his knuckles turning white. “I don’t need you to tell me what I should do!” he snaps. “Don’t you see how wrong it is to kiss me and then kiss Yeonjun right after?”
Beomgyu takes a few steps back. “I don’t think we can be friends anymore. I’m sorry Soobin hyung, but this isn’t going to work.” then he turns around to leave the field. Soobin watches him go, feeling a mixture of sadness and anger.
Who would have thought things could get even worse?