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I'm writing in my diary again.
I am not one to be forgetful. Me not adding entries to this book since a couple years ago was intentional, for the sole reason that I didn't need it. Today, I find myself coming back to it. Not to grieve, not to complain.
To relish. To finally breathe in everything I have earned. Everything I've worked so hard for. Today, right now, I am accompanied by my lovely partner Mizuki Akiyama, who's on the opposite end of the couch using their phone, while my other two partners, Kanade Yoisaki and Ena Shinonome, are in the kitchen preparing snacks.
The occasion: Movie night.
I don't have any particular interest for these little moments us four have, but I cherish them all the same. The way Mizuki's mouth curves into a smile whenever someone in the movie says something funny, or the way Ena's face softens at the cheesy love confession, or even how Kanade's eyes water at the sadness of it all.
Their emotions make me feel something. And to that, I'm grateful for. I'm not entirely sure what the feeling is, but I know I like it. That's why, dear diary, I am writing this entry. So, reason aside,
Entry #534.
Dear diary, I am happy.
Right now, I write to my past self. I'm not too different from back then, I believe. I feel I'm still the same girl who would throw herself at her parents' feet with enough persuasion, or the girl who would overwork herself to the point she felt life was too overbearing and worthless. At times, even now, I still feel this way. But I've grown. And I have people to help me now.
"Mafuyu! Stop writing and get ready to watch the movie!" A voice causes Mafuyu to look up. She notices Ena glaring at her as she sat down next to Mizuki, immediately being embraced into a cuddle by the former. Mafuyu closes her diary and places it on a near table, eyes glancing up when the lights were switched off.
Mizuki starts the movie just as Kanade sits onto the couch next to Mafuyu. Mafuyu instinctively wraps an arm around the girl and brings her close, watching the movie's intro.
"You can keep writing." Kanade whispers, just for the two to hear, and Mafuyu looks down at her. "I'll make sure Ena doesn't see you so she doesn't get mad." She adds as a little joke, pulling away from Mafuyu's body to look into her eyes. The faintest smile crosses Mafuyu's lips, and she mutters a thank you before reaching for her book again.
Continuing off, again, I have people to help me now. Kanade, Ena, and Mizuki, my partners. While originally starting off as group mates, one murmured confession from a game night easily crumbled the foundation we had as a music circle, and built way for a new one. One where we weren't just partners in making music, one where we were literally partners. As in
dating
.
On some occasions, we have issues. Mainly with Ena, but of course it's never just one person. I'd have to assume I do some things wrong to get Ena so worked up, but I'm not sure what those things are. She did this even before we started dating and this is still continuing today. I guess that's something I admire about Ena. She seems so persistent on the stupidest things. Does she think things would be different around here if she stopped? Maybe she has a right to think that.
For one, her's and Mizuki's bickering would stop. Or at least settle down. Well, hm. I guess the two don't really bicker about that. Whenever Ena gets mad or irritated, Mizuki always shoots the puppy dog eyes and acts all innocent, only resulting in Ena getting more angrier. With Ena, I'm not sure if angry is the right word though. She acts angry, but it's so obvious she's putting up a facade around us. She isn't so angry when we kiss, after all. Diagnosis: Ena needs to put down her tsundere act around us. Is that the word? Tsundere?
Would past me even be thinking about Ena like this? If I walked up to younger me and told her that soon someday, she'd be dating her fellow group members, would she believe me? Young little me, would she believe that I found happiness? That in the future, we are happy?
Ah, the future. In the future, will I be as happy as I am now? Will something happen to our relationship soon? I'm not one to wish, but if anything, I hope nothing bad happens to us. I hope in the future, I get to be with these very same people. And if I can't, then in the next life, I hope I get to be with these people too. I don't want to leave them. Any of them.
"This is so cheesy." Mizuki states, interrupting the quietness throughout the room. "Of course you just had to speak during the pining scene!" Ena groans, glaring at Mizuki, who playfully stuck their tongue out. "I think it's cute. Reminds me of something." Kanade reaches for the popcorn that Ena was holding, popping one into her mouth.
"Aha, you mean when you oh so cleverly asked Mafuyu out by tripping on her and going tumbling down a hill?" Mizuki asks with a smirk, and despite the obvious attack, Kanade nods, choosing to not entertain Mizuki. "Sort of." She answers, paying attention to the movie again.
Ena chuckles. "You seriously expected to get a rise out of Kanade?" She inquires, to which Mizuki huffs. "She's too hard to make fun of!! That's why I only enjoy teasing you." You're unbelievable." "Shh." Mafuyu hushes, pretending to pay attention to the movie alongside Kanade, and even going as far as to hold her hand. After a few whispers here and there, Ena and Mizuki finally go quiet.
Kanade squeezes Mafuyu's hand. For what, Mafuyu isn't sure. But just for safety measures, she squeezes Kanade's hand back. After a moment or two, Mafuyu tugs, and Kanade takes that as a sign that she wants to stop holding hands. So, she lets go. As a token of gratitude, Mafuyu leans over to press a kiss on her temple, before going back to her journal.
To my past self, thank you for trusting Kanade. When she said she'd save us, she meant it. While she never composed a song that truly touched my soul, I found out that she was the one tugging on my heartstrings all along. Kanade is such a pretty girl. Not just in appearance, in personality as well. Not to say she isn't gorgeous. But she's amazing, past me. And I'm so glad we trusted her. Without Kanade, without this group, I wouldn't be here, that I know for sure.
When she first confessed her love to me (after causing us both to tumble down a steep hill), I was skeptical. I didn't understand love, and she revealed later on that she didn't quite understand it either. We knew the basics, how to love each other with hugs and kisses, but that wasn't enough to build a good relationship on.
When we finally told our group members that we were dating, they were also skeptical. Ena, because she couldn't fathom that I could possibly love someone, and Mizuki, because they weren't sure we knew what we were doing. So, during a private talk with Mizuki, they walked me through not just the basics, but the necessities of being in a relationship. Like communication, trust, and mutual respect and understanding.
I already had that with Kanade, but it seemed like I'd have to expand. So I asked Mizuki for help, to which they gladly agreed. We met up, they helped me out, taught me how to communicate better.
In the end, I realized just how much I come to Mizuki for help. Though I don't usually ask directly, they seem to always know when I need it, and for that, I'm grateful to them. Maybe that's why that exact same night, I mentioned the idea of a poly relationship to Kanade. And when Kanade told me how she talked to Ena earlier, I realized that maybe that's why Kanade so eagerly agreed. Maybe we were both thinking the same thing.
Our little group should be in a polyamorous relationship.
"WOAH?!? No way, you didn't tell me this was gonna be a thriller movie too!" Mizuki exclaims in odd excitement, watching as in the movie, the love interest plots someone's demise. "I knew you liked them and wanted to make this slightly more enjoyable. I think there's some stuff you might enjoy in here too, Kanade." Ena glances at Kanade, who's completely enamored with the movie, watching intently.
Ena smiles gently, then jolts when Mizuki pulls her closer as a hug. The two speak quietly as to not bother the other viewers, or viewer, singular, since it's just Kanade. Mafuyu takes notice of how Kanade seems so focused on the movie. Kanade isn't even the biggest fan of romance, nor anything thriller. Maybe her love for Ena was enough to introduce her to something she could like.
Mafuyu can feel the smallest smile on her features. Ah, she knew a word for how she was feeling right now.. Mudita, was it? Well, she was no dictionary. Mafuyu looks back at her diary.
Past me, our parents aren't too happy of our decision. When I turned 18, I finally told them everything. How I've been feeling, my music circle, my partners.. They tried to comfort me, but I told them I needed space and left. I think that's what people call standing up for yourself. I am no longer an Asahina, but I am instead Mafuyu. Ah, now I'm just spitting nonsense. Mental note: erase that part later.
Well.. No. I see the point I was trying to make there. Asahina's have a long history of being successful, perfect, and Mafuyu Asahina was just that, perfect. But I am not an Asahina anymore. I don't need to be perfect. And truth be told, I never was. A girl who sometimes let her good girl facade slip, that's not perfect. Was I ever Mafuyu Asahina to begin with?
No matter. I'm not that girl anymore. If I know anything for sure, it's that.
"K-Kanade!" A sudden voice results in Mafuyu looking over. She quickly takes notice of how Kanade is laying on Ena's arm, snoring ever so peacefully. Mizuki laughs. "Come on Ena, are you seriously gonna wake her up?? Don't be so cruel, Enanan~!"
Mafuyu watches with slight amusement how Ena pushes Kanade off of her, just for the girl to slip out of her grasps and fall right back onto her. "Mafuyu?? A little help??" "I don't want to wake her." "Are you serious?!" Ena groans, but despite what Mafuyu said, she helps anyways, pulling Kanade off her.
However instead of leaving her asleep on the couch, Mafuyu stands, and with some heavy lifting, holds Kanade tightly in her arms. "We're gonna head to bed." She states, beginning to walk off with Kanade, heading to their shared bedroom.
Mafuyu reaches the room, and pushes open the door. The room is a simple one, one that manages to hold everything the four could need. She walks over to the king sized bed and places Kanade onto it, pushing her near the wall where she has previously stated was the most comfortable spot. Then, she sits on the bed as well, pulling out a blanket and carefully placing it over the both of them.
She kisses Kanade's forehead. She doesn't know why, she just feels like it. Kissing Kanade has always been a frequent thought in her mind. And actually doing it gives Mafuyu a sense of euphoria. Mafuyu leans back, then glances at her journal.
I'm not sure if I will ever use this journal past this point. But, I assume it will do me well to address my future self before I let it go. So, to my future self,
Please don't ruin this.
I mean this sincerely. I haven't been able to say I love something since I was a child, but I can say it now, and actually mean it. I love them. I love this. I love cuddling with my partners, I love the feelings they give me, I love the way they love me.
Don't ruin this for us.
"Can't believe you guys just left us like that!" Mizuki enters the room with a whine, and Mafuyu quickly shushes them due to Kanade being asleep. Ena walks in after. "I guess I'm a bit sleepy. Can you make room, Mafuyu?" Ena requests, rubbing an eye. Mafuyu nods, scooting closer to Kanade for them to get onto the bed.
Ena comes onto the bed first, and Mizuki comes in second. It really wasn't too big, but somehow everyone managed to fit comfortably. The two newcomers lay down, cuddling close with each other and then scooting to be closer to Mafuyu, who was still sitting up. "Let me finish up, I'll turn off the lights." Mafuyu carefully gets out the bed, then turns to place kisses on both Mizuki's and Ena's foreheads. "Don't spend too long writing in your book! We'll miss you!" Mizuki exclaims, immediately getting scolded for being too loud by Ena.
Mafuyu nods. "I won't." She confirms, walking over to the light switch. She doesn't turn off the light though, choosing to turn and watch her partners. She watches how Mizuki holds Ena tight, as if she'd run away, and how Ena gently kisses Kanade's forehead every few seconds, like a mother comforting a hurt child. She even notices how Kanade's lips curve into a smile, because everyone knows Kanade can't stay asleep with so much movement around her. Mafuyu looks back to the book in hand.
This will be my last ever entry.
To my past, we will grow. To my future, keep me safe.
To my past and to my future, today, I can state with certainty,
I am happy.
Mafuyu turns off the lights.