Work Text:
Yuuri K.: "Phichit, we have to talk about you randomly calling just because you're bored."
V. Nikiforov: "Be lucky my meeting ended just now."
Phichit: "It's my right to call you guys whenever the fawk I wish!"
Isabella: "Why can't I have that right?"
Phichit: "Unfortunately, only one of the two of us has the brain cell to call when people are awake."
Leo: "BOI!"
Sara: "You did not have to do her like that!"
Isabella: "I'll be in the corner, growing mushrooms." She stands up before wincing in pain and sitting back down immediately.
Yuuri K.: "Oh-"
Mila: "Hun, you alright?"
Isabella: "Nope." She gives a fake smile of pain. "It's the curse of Eve."
Leo and Phichit start laughing.
Mila: "Rip."
Sara: "Good luck."
Michele: "Did you take any painkillers?"
Isabella: "Yeah, around 5 minutes ago, so I have to wait."
Phichit: "I'm sorry," He wheezes. "I know you're in pain but the name you gave it-" He starts laughing again.
Leo: "The Curse of Eve." He repeats dramatically.
Emil: "Did she lie, though?"
Otabek: "Nope. That's what my sister calls it as well." He chuckles.
Guang: "You have a sister?"
Otabek: "Three sisters."
Minami: "...Any brothers?"
Otabek: "No. Just me. I don't hate it actually. My sisters are great."
Sara: "Nice!"
Isabella: "So you've seen it all."
Otabek: "Not all. My youngest sister still doesn't have it. But yes, I am usually the one helping out."
V. Nikiforov: "That's nice..."
Christophe: "Viktor, if you have nothing to respond with, be quiet."
Minami, Guang, Sara, and Phichit start laughing.
V. Nikiforov: "It's called being socially existent!"
Yuuri K.: "That's not a thing."
Seung Gil: "I will add something actually worth our time-"
V. Nikiforov: "HEY!"
Seung Gil: "Where's Yuri and JJ in all this?"
Georgi: "I think Yuri is out getting groceries?"
Yuuri K.: "He is, yes. We need a couple of things for dinner and he wanted to walk for a bit so, he left."
Phichit: "And where's the JJ that gets insulted by the grocery walker?"
Otabek: "Grocery...what?"
Leo: "I can't with you."
Isabella: "I'll allow everyone to get over your words first."
Guang: "Grocery walker. I'm using that from now on."
Seung Gil: "Can you hear me sighing?"
Otabek: "In *cough* lo *cough* ve *cough* -ly."
V. Nikiforov: "In what?"
Mila: "Huh?"
Yuuri K.: "I knew i-"
Otabek: "I said insanely."
Emil: "...That did not sound like insanely?"
Michele: "That sounded like in-lily."
Minami: "In-lily!" He wheezes.
Otabek: "Internet is a bit weird this past week so you'll hear a few things cut off every now and again. I apologize for the misunderstanding, Seung Gil." He smirks.
Seung Gil: "OTABEK! I SWEAR-"
Yuri P. joins call...
Yuri P.: "How many fucking times do I have to do this?"
Phichit: "HA!"
Christophe: "HEY!" He claps.
Leo: "AYE!"
Guang: "Here we go again."
Yuuri K.: "Oh my God,"
V. Nikiforov: "How does he keep doing that?" He asks Yuuri in a whisper.
Sara: "Michele, where's the popcorn?"
Michele: "Already in the microwave."
Emil: "I really need answers to how this keeps happening."
Georgi: "Same."
Otabek: "Hi, Yura."
Yuri P.: "Hello."
Mila: "The power of love."
Isabella: "Otayuri is unstoppable."
Yuri P.: "If you're done now, I'd very much like to ask why we're all on a call at random?"
Yuuri K.: "You have the dubbed fabulous uncle stuck in your timeline."
Phichit: "...I'm taking that as a compliment."
Georgi: "Of course you are."
Yuri P.: "O...Okay. Sure."
Yuuri K.: "You still at the grocery store?"
Yuri P.: "Yup, just need to grab the garlic powder and then sprinkles."
Minami: "What are the sprinkles for?"
V. Nikiforov: "Next day off, we're making a cake for fun!"
Guang: "...Now I wanna book a ticket-"
Leo: "On God."
Sara: "Now I'm craving cake." She throws her hand up as she leaves the popcorn bowl.
Michele: "You're finishing this popcorn with me, sit down."
Yuuri K.: "When we all exist in the same place again, we'll make the cake."
Phichit: "The inner Japanese mom that would feed an army when their child's friend comes over."
Leo: "No because, my mom."
Guang and Christophe start laughing. Emil snorts into his water and almost choked.
Otabek: "Same."
Isabella: "My mom would just toss an apple at us."
Georgi: "Mine would give a mini lays bag of 5 chips."
Mila: "Mine would give something in between, yall are either starving or stuffed." She laughs.
Yuri P.: "My birth giver left me starving that's for sure."
Yuuri K.: "Yuri!"
Otabek: "We talked about this!"
V. Nikiforov: "I'm this close to giving up."
Isabella: "Your dark humor is funny but slowly getting concerning."
Georgi: "Wow."
Sara: "When even Isabella is getting concerned..."
Mila: "Now we know he needs the therapy couch."
Yuri P.: "The therapy couch is a temporary solution."
Leo: "It never did work..."
Guang: "As much as I would love to permanently leave you there-"
Yuri P.: "Where's the fun in tragic backstory if you don't come out of it with some dark humor?"
Phichit: "..."
Christophe: "Maybe good mental health?"
Seung Gil: "You're the last person to say a damn thing, Chris."
Yuuri K.: "Yuri..." He sighs. "I've ran out."
Phichit sniffles.
Minami: "Uh- Phichit, are you okay?!"
Michele: "Code Hamster, fabulous uncle is crying!"
Emil: "Code...whatever. Phichit you alright?"
Otabek: "There is no way he's upset about this-"
Yuri P.: "Phichit I'm-"
Phichit: "No!" He says dramatically. "No, it's okay. I'm just sad that you went through it but also..." He sniffles again. "I'm just so proud that you're the main character of the family!"
Isabella: "He went and did it."
Michele: "My concern is a joke."
Guang: "That was a very 'in-character' response."
Leo: "True."
Otabek: "I been knew."
Yuri P.: "...Thank...you?"
Mila: "Even I have to wonder if that's a good or bad thing."
Georgi: "Main characters and their trauma do be lethal."
Yuuri K.: "Sometimes I wonder how we became friends."
V. Nikiforov: "If I'm not mistaken, it's because he offered a free hug with some sour patch to comfort you."
Christophe: "Hwhat?"
Minami: "Sour patch?"
Guang: "I understand the free hug at least."
Seung Gil: "He was trying to add to Yuuri's sour mood I bet."
Mila, Isabella, Sara, Emil, and Leo start wheezing. Phichit laughs behind his fist and nods his head. Christophe throws his head back and cackles. Yuuri shakes his head, highly amused as Viktor laughs into his shoulder.
Yuuri K.: "Now my trauma..."
Yuri P.: "Thrown out the window!" He laughs.
Otabek: "Friendship do be like that." He chuckles.
Michele: "I was rooting for you to be the sane one, Seung Gil."
Georgi: "Name one person in this group that is sane."
Michele: "Yu-"
Georgi: "Besides Yuuri."
Phichit: "Even then, he has his moments."
Yuuri K.: "Phichit, be quiet!"
JJ-style joins call...
JJ-style: "What's up?"
Yuri P.: "Mama's limit with everyone."
Almost everyone starts wheezing. Yuuri just shakes his head, amused but so done.
JJ-style: "Fair. Um, I actually joined the call because I need help."
Leo: "You're out getting period products, what do you need help with?"
Mila: "That's exactly why he needs help."
Sara: "What she said."
Isabella: "Aw hun, what's the matter?"
JJ-style: "Hey Bella! Um, I know you gave me the empty packaging of the pads you want but...I'm at the aisle right now and I can't find the type you use." He looks around at the shelf.
Mila: "Okay, two things could happen here, Sara if you please?"
Sara: "One, it's really sold out, or two, you just haven't seen it yet."
Otabek: "It also could be on the brand. Different sizes could be different colors and you're looking for an exact copy."
Leo: "...Okay then."
Guang: "Cheers to those three."
JJ-style: "Okay...um, one minute." He puts the phone on the shelf leaning on something as he takes out the empty packaging Isabella gave him and starts studying it. "Uh..." He looks up and starts searching again.
Yuri P.: "We're all just existing now."
Phichit: "However! It is slightly amusing."
Seung Gil: "I don't understand what's amusing but sure."
"See? No matter how you dress, you're still born a woman."
...
Yuuri K.: "Excuse me?"
Emil: "What?"
V. Nikiforov: "Huh?"
Minami: "Who just...?"
Phichit: "Whomst the fuck-?"
Yuri P.: "I beg your absolute pardon?"
Christophe: "It came from JJ's screen."
Isabella: "JJ, everything okay?"
They see JJ stand slowly from the squat position he was on, appearing on the screen looking confused. He's looking to his right as he asks. "I'm sorry, were you talking to me?" He looks around him and notices that he and whoever the lady is are the only ones in the aisle.
The skaters hear a sigh before the Karen starts ranting about transgender people and the like.
Mila: "...This bich-"
Michele: "Is she for real?"
Guang: "What the hell?"
Yuri P.: "...Wait...she thinks JJ is trans?"
Silence before Leo, Phichit, Sara, and Isabella start laughing all at once.
Phichit: "SORRY! I shouldn't be laughing but-" He wheezes.
Isabella: "This woman is looking really stupid right now."
Otabek: "For the love of God, why did she even bother."
Minami: "JJ is getting an angry look on his face."
Sara: "Michele, the popcorn!"
V. Nikiforov: "Yuuri, grab your tea."
Yuuri sighs but does as told.
Yuri P.: "I'm gonna put grocery shopping on hold."
JJ's angry face fades slightly and he starts laughing. The woman lets out a cry at the sudden reaction, her face probably red. She starts to scream about his 'disrespect' but JJ cuts her off. "I am five foot, ten inches, two hundred, and sixty pounds. Look lady, if I was born a woman, would I look as fucking clueless and lost as I do right now?"
Otabek: "Oh my God," He smirks.
Seung Gil: "He's going for it."
Mila is wheezing behind her fist.
Isabella is looking proudly at the screen.
"Have you never seen a man buy pads for a woman?" JJ continues. "See, this is called being a good husband. My wife wants pads and I'll be damned if I come home empty-handed."
Yuri, Viktor, Emil, and Minami look highly shocked and amused.
Phichit is silently clapping with Christophe as Yuuri nods his head, proudly.
"I like keeping my head attached-"
Leo: "He's still going."
Guang: "Good."
"-during the demonic possession week that you women have once a month, and I see you're taking yours out on me right now."
Yuri is holding back his proud laugh as Mila cheers silently with Georgi.
"Now," JJ holds up the empty packaging of pads and points at it. "Do you see this fucking brand on the shelf?"
The woman is quiet and the skaters hear nothing but the distant sound of retreating footsteps as JJ raises a brow at her. He huffs and looks down, far left. "Oh, there it is." He leans down and grabs a couple of pad packages. Looking back up, he stares at the phone remembering that it was there. "...Hi."
Everyone starts laughing in cheer.
Phichit: "Slay. Just a slay!"
Christophe: "That was the best thing I've seen all month."
Yuuri K.: "I can finally feel like my limits have reached proud mother levels."
V. Nikiforov: "I'm drinking to all this!"
Guang: "Victory has never been so sweet."
Leo: "GO JJ!"
Seung Gil: "For once, unfortunately, I have to agree with Chris."
Minami: "That was incredible!"
Georgi: "He did not hesitate." He laughs.
Mila: "That's a man right there."
Sara: "SAY IT LOUDER!"
Michele: "Please do, I'm getting a megaphone for your birthday."
Emil: "I now wish I was eating popcorn when I had the chance."
Otabek: "Same. That was the best comeback I've heard from JJ."
Isabella: "Yuri, you're a wonderful influence. My husband is now 5 times better."
Yuri is literally unable to speak. He goes from holding a hand up to laughing to covering his mouth to shaking his head in disbelief. "I've never been so proud." He dramatically wipes a tear. "They grow up so fast."
Several skaters are wheezing at the display.
JJ-style: "All I said was the truth..." He rubs the back of his neck.
Isabella: "And you looked absolutely smexy doing so."
Seung Gil: "Okay no! I'm dealing with one Chris, I don't need another."
Phichit: "Viktor exists."
V. Nikiforov: "Hey!"
Yuri P.: "I am so glad that my lessons have been put to good use."
Otabek: "You managed to make Yuri proud of you, how do you feel JJ?"
JJ-style: "Touched but also she deserved it."
Mila: "You're doing great, sweety!"
Phichit: "Cheers to JJ for making this call so damn worth it."
Isabella: "I don't deserve you, baby." She smiles.
JJ-style: "Who? You? No, you're mistaken. I don't deserve you." He smiles, shooting a kiss her way. "I have to hang up now, phone is almost out of battery. I'll be home soon, Bella!"
Isabella: "I love you!"
JJ-style: "I love you too!" With that, he hangs up.
Sara: "Ya'll are adorable."
Yuuri K.: "Yes."
Seung Gil: "Again, I would read their love story like the bible."
Otabek: "Same...as well as you-"
Seung Gil: "SHUT THE FUCK-"
Yuri P.: "I am literally right here. I don't need to be summoned."
Everyone starts laughing again as Seung Gil looks done. Otabek is just smirking his way.
Phichit: "See Yuuri? Be happy I called everyone." He sips his magical came-out-of-nowhere- tea.
Yuuri K.: "Don't push your luck."
Isabella: "I clearly needed that lesson last time."
In the end, JJ was able to make his wife happy with a basket that carries her pads as well as many other necessities such as snacks, stuffie, painkillers, hot water bottle, and with the offer of cuddles. Pushing away the negativity of the Karen, JJ enjoyed his wife's smile and had his head on for the remainder of the week.