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The day that changed her life, had started as any other.
"What did you learn today?"
Lip held her hand while he swung his backpack back and forth with his other hand. The four year old went to pre school alone today and he didn't seem too happy about it. Or maybe he just didn't like being separated from his brother, who was home, getting over a cold. "Mr. Collins told us what colors make other colors."
"Did you like it?"
He shrugged. "I already knew it."
The shouting was heard as soon as Fiona opened the door. When she stepped into the room, a shoe that was clearly meant for her father, barely missed her head. Instinctively, she tightened her grip on her brother's hand.
"I told you! I didn't do it!" Her mother was already taking off her other shoe.
"You're lying! All you ever do is fucking lie, from the moment I laid eyes on you. I deserve better than you." Frank was standing near the window, arms spread wide.
Neither of her parents seemed to notice their kids had come home. Neither was checking on their kids upstairs.
"I hate you!"
"See? Liar!"
Lip looked up at her. "Een?" he said. He couldn't fully pronounce his brother's name yet, but she got what he meant.
Fiona led Lip upstairs, where he ran to Ian, who sat in the hall playing with a toy truck, to tell him about his day. Ian was three and didn't talk much, besides asking 'why' all the time. Out of the two of them, without the year age difference, Ian was the first one to walk, while Lip was the first to talk. But even if the two didn't always understand each other, they were attached at the hip. Already each others best friend in the world.
Fiona checked on the baby. Debbie was, somehow, sleeping peacefully, even with everything downstairs.
Since she shared a room with her, she did her homework there.
When she was done, the shouting had stopped and the kissing noises began. It was nothing unusual, so Fiona just stayed upstairs until her mother shouted "Kids! Dinner!" from the bottom of the stairs.
"Mom?" Fiona said as she got down. Monica had warmed some soup and cut some bread for them.
"Yes, my dear?"
"Are you and dad okay?"
"Of course. C'mon, eat your soup."
"Where's dad?"
"He's out for a drink." And that was all on that. Her mother didn't look at her. Fiona noticed she looked tired, bags under her eyes. Her make up was smudged, too.
She said nothing. If she would, her mother would only get angry again.
Lip and Ian ran downstairs, laughing, fully immersed in their own little game. Ian fell and face-planted on the floor, but just got up and went on before Lip even turned around. Fiona rolled her eyes. "Mom, they're going to break something."
Monica sat down at the table. "Boys, come here. It's dinner time."
They listened to that. They had to. She was their mother.
Dinner was as it always was. Loud, quick and without Frank.
That night, Fiona woke to the sound of a slamming door. Her alarm clock read 4:00 am. Full of fear, she wrapped her blanket around herself and tiptoed down the hall to her parent's room to go wake them. However, the room was empty. It wasn't just that there weren't any people inside. The place looked like an elephant had marched through. Her fathers big clothes lay everywhere, but her mother's side of the bed was clean.
Fiona opened their closet. And again, all of her mother's stuff was gone. She ran downstairs. "Dad!" She found her father at the dinner table, his sleeping head on the table, a bottle in his hand. "Dad! Someone took mom!"
Frank stirred awake and spoke with slurred speech. "What d'you mean."
"Mom! She's gone! All her stuff is gone, too!"
Her father's face went from shock to realization to anger. He grinned bitterly. "Oh, that bitch. Just when you think she couldn't sink any lower, she leaves me with four fucking kids!"
Fiona started pulling his sleeve. Why didn't he understand how urgent this was? "Maybe she's still close!"
"No, she's not coming back, kid. Not unless we have MONEY!" He shouted the last word like Monica could hear him, but Fiona was pretty sure he only woke the rest of his kids.
Fiona felt her eyes sting. "Is she hurt?"
"She wanted to get away from us. Left on her own free will," Frank took a big gulp out of the bottle and realized it was finished. He stood up. "I'm going to get another."
She shook her head. "She wouldn't just leave us. Right?" Frank didn't answer and got up from the chair. "Wait, dad," Fiona's voice was soft as she watched her father exit the house once again.
"Stay," she whispered as he shut the door behind him.
For a few seconds, Fiona couldn't move.
They probably had a big fight. That was normal. They would come back to their kids, because that's what parents did. She knew that from the books they read to her at school. The parents always come back.
Right?
The sound of creaking stairs made her turn her head to see Lip coming down in his footed pyjama's.
Fiona didn't know what to do. Lip just looked at her with expectation and she had no idea what had just happened. So she just shrugged.
"Mommy and daddy?" He rubbed his eyes, clearly having trouble to even keep them open.
She shrugged again.
For a moment neither of them spoke. Then she watched her brother almost fall asleep while still standing, and realized no parent was going to tell him to go to sleep. "Bed time."
Luckily, he didn't argue. He did stare at her confused for a few seconds, deciding if he was going to listen to her demands. "Debbie?"
Of course the baby was crying. She hadn't even heard it yet, only her father's words echoing in her head. "I'll deal with it," Fiona said, waving her hands to lead him back upstairs. Lip made his way back to his own bed. Fiona followed him and leaned against the doorframe, watching both of her brothers sleep peacefully.
Maybe, she could take care of herself without parents, but there's no way they could do that. They were way too young. Besides, there was another baby sleeping in the other room. Thank god she knew how to change diapers.
She thought about the time uncle Nick had kicked them out and Frank left them at the side of the road. He'd be 'right back' then, too. Ian had been burning up and she was the one to get to the hospital, a brother under each arm. Or when their parents had left her alone with baby Lip in Washington Park. If it wasn't for her, Ian and Lip probably would have died.
She'd saved both of them countless of times. She could play mom for a bit and watch them while her parents were away.
At this point in her life, Fiona didn't think she had made a choice. She didn't think of it as giving up her life and sacrificing herself. She didn't know her life as she knew it would change that night. No, at this moment, she was wondering when - not if - her parents would come back, where her mother was and if she'd bring a present when she'd return home.
When she checked Frank and Monica's room the next morning, it was still empty. She was a little disappointed, but it was nothing she couldn't handle. Everything seemed more optimistic in the morning.
Downstairs, her brothers were fully awake. They were running around the house, playing tag. Fiona rolled her eyes again. They're going to break something. But she ignored it and decided to make them all breakfast. Yes, she could do that.
She managed four beautiful pancakes and beamed with pride as she placed them on the table.
The fifth pancake was in the pan when a loud crash made her turn around. Ian lay face down on the ground and started crying loudly a few seconds later.
Lip looked terrified at Fiona, like she knew what to do. Abandoning her pan, she made her way over to help Ian into a seating position.
"I want mommy!" Ian cried.
Fiona bit her lip. "She's not here right now, but I am? Can you show me where it hurts?"
Still in tears, Ian pointed at his knee, on which was a red mark, but it didn't look deep. Fiona took a relieved breath, but Ian cried more at the sight of his knee actually bleeding. He hadn't looked at it before.
"It's okay, it's okay. You just scraped it," she hugged him. "You're alright."
Fiona faced her other brother, who was biting his little nails nervously. "Can you get me a bandaid from the second drawer?"
Lip ran to the kitchen.
"And no more running!" She shouted, irritated. She had to, otherwise he wouldn't listen. Her teachers did it too, when the class wasn't paying attention. And it wasn't like her parents never yelled.
But her mom-voice seemed to work. Lip did stop running.
She had just stopped the crying when someone knocked on their front door. Their parents had a key, right?
"Watch him," she told Lip. She heard him mumble "It's okay, Een," and watched him hug his brother as she answered the door.
The man standing outside was not unfamiliar to her, but she did not know his name. He looked confused until he looked down and noticed her. Maybe this was the guy her parents always ran away from, laughing together.
"Oh, great," he said sarcastically. "Someone opened the door for once."
"Excuse me, who are you?"
"I'm Hector. I handle your gas. I can also turn it off. Which means you won't have warmth.."
"Okay."
He sighed. "Are your parents home?"
She just stared at him, not knowing if the truth or a lie would be the better choice.
"Fantastic. So I'm not getting my money today. You just tell them they're late again. Two weeks. I've given enough warnings by now."
"For what?"
"To turn off their power. I'm done asking. I'm shutting it off in an hour. If they want me to turn it back on, make sure they bring their one k to the postal office by the end of this week, or it's going to be a cold winter."
Fiona figured that this was probably why her mother had left. To get money for the bill. Her dad was going to find her and bring her back. He just didn't tell her that because it was going to be a surprise. It would be fine.
"The postal office?"
"My buddy Chris is working there. Tell your parents he will take care of it."
She was actually asking what and where a postal office was, but didn't want to ask again.
Hector sniffed the air. "Is something burning?"
"Shit." From the corner of her eyes, Fiona saw the man frown at her language before she threw the door shut in his face.
She ran just in time to turn the stove down and prevent flames from going up. Her poor fifth pancake was burnt beyond repair.
"No running!" Lip shouted from the living room.
"That doesn't count, you little-"
The next morning was freezing cold. A Chicago winter was bad enough. Without a warm house, it was dangerous. Especially for babies and young kids.
Fiona had to realize her parents were not going to come back in time and this was now her problem.
She was on her own.
Fiona figured she needed a job. So on the first day, she walked to the shops with her siblings. It was a Saturday and she couldn't leave them alone. Debbie was in a stroller Frank once stole when Ian was a baby. Since she had one hand on the stroller, there was only one hand left. Their built in system was Lip holding her hand, Ian holding his. This - she had learned over time - was the best way to not lose any kids.
But, as it turned out, no shops were looking to hire a nine year old girl with three kids.
Sunday, she thought of a new plan. She knocked on the neighbor - Mr. Harris' - door. When nobody answered, she moved on to the next house. Here, she had better luck.
"Hello, good morning," Fiona smiled politely.
The woman in the doorway tightened her robe from the cold. "Hello there," she narrowed her eyes. "Are you the Gallagher kids?"
Again, Fiona didn't know what answer would get a better response. She tried the truth and nodded. "I need a favor."
"A Gallagher asking for a favor. How shocking!"
"I need to get some money for our gas bill."
"You're kidding."
"I'm not asking you for money," she sighed. "I just need someone to watch them while I go work."
"You're going to work," the woman said in a tone that made it sound like she didn't believe her.
"Will you watch my brothers and sister? They're really nice, I promise."
Ian nodded quickly and Fiona felt the tiniest hint of pride. They really could be good.
The woman took a step outside to look around the street, still holding on to her door. "Where are your parents? Did they put you up to this?"
Fiona really didn't have time for this. "They left. I don't know when they will be back, but our house is really cold now, and I would like it to not be."
The woman just looked at her. "How much do you need?"
"A thousand dollars."
"Jesus fuck- Oh, sorry," the woman pinched the bridge of her nose. "Fine. Come inside."
Turned out, Fiona actually found it harder to leave her siblings than she thought she would. Now that she felt a new kind of responsibility for them, leaving them with a stranger didn't seem right. But you were supposed to trust your neighbors, right? And she didn't really have much of a choice. She couldn't leave them in their cold house on their own all day and she had to get money.
The woman - ms. Abrams, she'd learned - had said she had a daughter, that she wouldn't want alone on the streets, looking for money. She also said that she couldn't give Fiona the money if she wanted to, but she'd call a few people that might need stuff.
Fiona was to go look in her house for anything she could sell.
Frank had never taught her how to ride a bike, but he did teach her the Art of Selling, as he'd called it, so Fiona figured she could do that.
And she did. At first, Fiona felt a little guilty, selling parts of the house that weren't hers to sell. but when she checked her parents' bedroom, there was - unsurprisingly - still no sign of them. No one to tell her no, or to come up with a better alternative. This has to be done.
If she looked hard enough, objects were hidden all around the house. Alcohol bottles and little powder bags were the jackpot. Those got her the most money, but eventually, she got to furniture.
After a few days, Fiona fell into a pattern. In the mornings - they got colder every day - she woke up the boys and gave them each two pre made pancakes from the previous dinner. One for now, one for lunch. Then, she'd bring Debbie to ms. Abrams. Dropping Lip and Ian off at pre school, she finally got to school herself. After, Fiona would run back as fast as she could at leave Lip and Ian at ms. Abrams' with Debbie. At home, she'd gather more things that seemed unimportant and sold it to the people ms. Abrams had informed. When all the kids were back in the evenings, she made the only food she could make: pancakes. She made sure to leave six for the next day and brought them all to their beds, ruffling the boys' hair. "Good night, Lip."
"Good night, Fiona," Lip mumbled with his eyes closed. He barely moved, already halfway off to dreamland.
"Good night, Ian."
Ian was definitely already gone, and she was glad he could sleep so effortlessly after the week they'd had.
Fiona kissed Debbie's head before heading to bed herself.
Even in her nine year old head, Fiona could realize this was a temporary solution. Ms. Abrams didn't have the time to watch the kids all the time. The kids would get sick of pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Eventually, she would run out of things to sell. Eventually, she knew she couldn't stay in school. But Fiona actually kind of liked school. So she was going to try to uphold this routine for a little while longer.
On the next Saturday, she dropped off enough money at the postal office for the gas bill. Since it was a weekend, the gas would be turned on again on Monday.
It also turned out she had more money than she needed. This was a pleasant surprise. Even after a grocery trip, she had some to save. Maybe for ms. Abrams, she thought. Or maybe she'd finally buy herself that one doll - Katie the track runner - she'd always wanted.
She finally settled on saving it for the next gas bill.
When Fiona woke up on Sunday morning, she was freezing. It had been fine when she went to bed, but during the night, Debbie had thrown up on her blanket. She'd given up her blanket for the baby. It was fine, but now it was time to put on some extra clothes.
As she rummaged through the house, Fiona had found an old cardigan, scarf and coat when something caught her eye through the window.
She recognized her own beanie sticking out from under the snow and walked outside to retrieve it. Once she did, however, she noticed there was a head still under it. A body that had been there for a while, considering it was almost completely covered in snow. "Dad?" Hastily, she wiped away the snow. "Dad!"
He felt cold, so she decided to bring him into the house. It wasn't easy, but she eventually managed to drag him up the stairs by his feet. Inside, she put him on the couch and covered him with remaining blankets.
"Wake up," she shook him, breathing heavily. Frank didn't move.
Fiona waited on the floor next to the couch, resting from the exercise she'd just gotten. "I did good. While you were gone."
She paused to wait for a reaction that didn't come. "I asked the neighbors to watch Debbie. Ms. Abrams is pretty nice. I brought Lip and Ian to school and I was very brave." She nodded, feeling somewhat proud of herself as she listed her accomplishments. "I gave everyone food, got groceries and I dealt with the gas problem. We even made some money for the next time!"
Frank started to snore, which at least made her less worried about his well-being. "I hope your week was great, too, dad," she kissed his forehead and wiped her lips immediately, disliking the feel of his greasy hair. "Thank you for coming back to us."
He opened his eyes, sitting up right away and startling her so bad she fell back. "How long have I been out?"
Fiona frowned. "I don't know. I found you in the snow, dragged you in and all." She bit her lip. "You were gone for a week."
Her father smiled at her, which made her smile too, for some reason.
"Everyone still alive?" He said as he looked around the house. "Nothing on fire?"
Fiona shook her head quickly. "I handled everything."
"I knew it!" Frank, apparently at his top health again, put his hands on her cheeks. "Your mother always nagged. No Frank, they're kids, you can't leave them on their own." He spoke in a mocking tone. "But I knew nothing was too hard for my little fighter. You're my rock."
"Well, it wasn't easy," Fiona smiled. But she did feel proud. She felt good because her father was proud of her.
"Wait," he looked around the living room. "Didn't we have a coffee table? And and book case."
"I sold it."
He grabbed her shoulders with a big grin. "That's my girl."
This was the truly sickening thing about Frank. He made you feel needed and loved you only when he wanted something from you. He might have loved his kids, yes, but he never took care of them. He never loved them enough. Frank was a smart narcissist.
"So, I need some money. I thought I heard you say you have extra," Frank was saying now.
"Yeah, but," Fiona tilted her head. "That was for the house."
"In which your mother belongs! And with that money, I will track her down and bring her back to us. I might be gone for a while again, depending on how long it takes to find her."
She hesitated, which of course, he saw.
"Now, I know you can handle it. Look after your baby sister and brothers while I'm away, will you? They're depending on you. Can you be there for them?"
"I don't want you to go."
He tapped the tip of her nose and then kissed the top of her head. He could act so fatherly when he wanted to. "I'll be back before you know it."
No, screamed older Fiona. Don't let him get away with this. But she wasn't here yet. This nine year old girl hadn't yet met her, and she wouldn't for another few years see what damage her parents were really doing to her.
This was logical. She was a kid. She didn't know any better. It was never her fault that she expected her parents to be parents, it was theirs.
And so they were to blame when their kids, one by one, stopped believing in them. Fiona was always going to be the first of them.
"Okay," Fiona said now. "I'll look after them."
And so, she did.