Chapter Text
VERONICA
6 months later
"Hi, uh, Heather...'s phone. I don't really know how to address this thing," Veronica begins. Despite being alone, she can feel her cheeks warming up with embarrassment. "This is Veronica. Today is January 10th, and it's been six months since we separated, and now we're officially divorced."
Veronica sinks further onto the warm fabric of her couch. In her quiet apartment, the sound of her voice echoes through the living room. She takes in a breath and continues.
"Hm, when I saw your phone in my mailbox I swore to myself that I was going to throw it away or mail it back to you, but I couldn't, so I just shoved it in the drawer and kept it there for months. The reason I'm talking to you, well, I'm not actually talking to you, but you know what I mean," she stammers.
Why is this so hard?
"I miss you. I know that I shouldn't, and I don't regret my decision, I know that it was the logical thing to do but still, there are days that my heart doesn't care about logic and I find myself thinking about you."
Veronica guesses that is one of the perils of keeping your ex-wife's belongings, there's always going to be something of theirs for you to cling to. Veronica had been strong for the past six months, and she's proud to say that there were times that she forgot about Heather and everything that happened. There were times when she thought she was over it, over her, and that she was healed. But then she saw something that reminded her of Heather and she fell right back into square one.
This time, she found Heather's red scrunchie in the glove compartment of her car; it might have been in her head, but Veronica could swear that it still smelled like her, that wonderful mix of strawberry and expensive perfume. The fact that it happened so close to the six-month anniversary of their separation only made things worse, and that was how Veronica found herself sulking on her sofa with Heather's phone clutched in her hand.
For the first time, she turned the phone on and she heard Heather's voice, sobbing and saying goodbye to her, she heard the three minutes of unfiltered honesty that ended up with Heather saying I love you for the last time.
"The worst part is that I can't talk about this to anyone, because they won't understand. So here I am talking to your phone," Veronica continues. "But yeah, I don't really know what else to say, actually. Bye, I guess."
***
1 year later
"Hi, Heather," Veronica begins. "It's been a year since our split, and it's been around six months since I talked to you. A lot has happened. I met someone. Well, I re-met someone. Jason Dean, my boyfriend from high school. We stumbled upon each other at a seven eleven, he gave me his number and, we started talking and the rest is history, I guess. JD is a great guy, he's smart and caring, and for the first time in a year, I actually feel happy again. He doesn't know about you yet, he knows I'm divorced and that I was married to a woman but that is about it. But I feel like it's time to tell him, we're getting pretty serious and I don't want to hide things from him. I didn't tell him earlier because it wasn't something that I liked to talk about, but now I feel like I'm ready to let you go."
***
5 years later
"Hey, Heather. It's been a long time since I've touched this holy relic," Veronica says. The first time she turned on the phone after their breakup, Veronica was sitting alone in her sad and quiet apartment, but now she could barely remember the last time her house had been quiet. "Anyway, the reason why I'm doing this right now is because JD came up to me the other night, telling me about this article he found online, called the 36 questions if you can believe it."
Veronica spins around her office chair as she continues to talk, never the type of person who could sit still when talking on the phone, even if there was no one listening on the other line.
"Oh, yeah. A little bit of context..." she snaps her fingers, only then realizing some explanation was needed after four years since her last recording. "JD and I are still together. We never married but we've been living together for a while now and we have a son, his name is Thomas and he's three years old and hm...you don't care about that, do you?. You're not even gonna listen to this."
A loud noise on the top floor made Veronica stop talking. That was the problem of living with a toddler and a duck, things were constantly falling -and breaking- on the ground.
She waves it off, JD could handle it.
"What was I saying? Oh, yeah! JD brought up the 36 questions to me the other night because he thought I would be interested. Am I that easy to read? Anyway, I ended up telling him about everything that happened 5 years ago, the lies, you driving to Ohio to meet me, how I ran away from you three times, the whole story. And at the end, he looked at me and he asked if I wish I hadn't. I said no, obviously, because then we wouldn't be together and Thomas wouldn't be here. But it just got me thinking, you know? Because, 5 years ago I never would have imagined that this would be my life, with my own practice, a kid. And I just couldn't stop thinking about how my life would have turned out if I hadn't left you."
Veronica realizes she isn't spinning in her chair anymore, she is still, looking at the phone as if waiting for it to give her an answer. It doesn't. Upstairs, she can hear the footsteps and giggles of her three-year-old, probably playing with his best friend number 1, Henry, or his best friend number 2, JD, who to him wasn't as fun as Henry, but got the job done sometimes.
Veronica clears her throat.
"OK, back in the drawer with you," she says, putting the phone back in its designated place and closing the drawer.
***
7 years later
"Hi, Heather's phone. You're still working after all those years, I'm surprised and frankly a little disappointed. It would be so much easier if you just died. But you haven't, and while you're still ticking this will be the place I go to when I want to talk to your former owner, which I definitely won't," Veronica says. "So...JD and I are no longer together, that kind of blew up. We just had a lot of issues of our own, so we were fighting a lot and nothing ever got resolved. But we're good, we're still friends and we're focusing on Thomas, who is dealing with this in best as he can, I think. He's five now, he asks a lot of questions and usually, I find myself not knowing how to answer them or just making things up so I don't sound like a total idiot. The other day he asked if I still loved his dad and I said yeah, a part of me always will because he gave me you and blah blah blah. Then he asked me where the air comes from, thar one was harder to field..."
Veronica takes in a deep breath, She knows she's rambling because she doesn't want to say just yet what is going on inside her mind, what she really needs to say.
"The thing is, when he asks me those questions a little part of me shoots right to you. It's so pathetic that I'm still hung up on you after all these years. My point is that I lie now all the time, to him, to my parents, to myself, but that's just how life is, right?" she says, though no one but Heather's old phone can hear her.
***
8 years later
Veronica should be asleep. Veronica should be doing a lot of things that didn't involve sitting in front of her computer, on the verge of a panic attack.
Ok, this is it...she thinks, staring at the document in front of her. She had actually done it. She managed to muster up enough courage to complete her answers, 20 through 36 —give her a break, it only took her 8 years— and now she is one click of a button away from sending them to Heather.
The email address, [email protected] burns bright on her computer screen like the scarlet letter. Veronica doesn't even want to remember how long it took her to find that little nugget.
She feels weird, and frankly a little stalkerish for emailing her ex-wife out of the blue after so many years. She wonders how often Heather thinks about her, or if she does it at all.
Veronica hopes Heather doesn't think she's full of shit, or that Heather doesn't misconstrue her intentions or any of her answers. Veronica doesn't want forgiveness, she just wants to give Heather what she owes her, to finally give closure to their story so she can stop living in the past. So she can be free of the weight of her past choices.
Hi, Heather.
Hope you're doing well. I guess I owe you some answers. 16 to be exact.
I'm sorry it took me so long.
It's succinct and very straightforward. Veronica doesn't want to risk saying too much and somehow making things worse, if that's even possible.
Veronica closes her eyes and clicks on her mouse, and the is sent. A wave of relief runs through her, but it only lasts a few seconds before she realizes what she's done and panic takes over her. No turning back now.
***
Two days later, Veronica gets her answer.
Veronica bites her tongue and with shaky hands —why are her hands shaking so much?— opens the message.
Hi, Sawyer.
Thanks for attaching your answers. I reviewed them and I look forward to hearing them in person. We are supposed to stare into each other's eyes for 4 minutes at the end (a late addition to the test that I find particularly cute, albeit a little cheesy)
I don't live in Seattle anymore but I frequently travel through for business. I can make myself free for an hour or so this Thursday afternoon before I head to the airport.
How's 5 for you? There's a restaurant nearby that serves a great spaghetti ;)
Thursday. That is three days from now. In three days, Veronica will be seeing Heather again, after almost nine years.
"Shit, I need to find a sitter..."
***
"Are we going to get slushies?" the little voice in the backseat of her car asks.
Veronica glances at the rearview mirror to look at her son. "Yeah, later."
"Mom?"
"Hm?"
"There's a cellphone here," he says. "It's red."
He's fiddling with her purse, where Veronica put Heather's 8-year-old cellphone; it was time to say goodbye to it.
"Yeah, I know," Veronica answers, cheering silently when she finds a parking spot close to the restaurant entrance. "Put it back where you found it, OK?"
"Ok."
"Hold my hand," Veronica tells him when they get out of the car, She can already see through the glass windows that the restaurant is busy and she doesn't want to risk him running around.
A man steps out of the restaurant and politely holds the door for them.
"Thank you," Veronica smiles and the man nods his head in return.
"Thank you," Thomas repeats.
"Watch out for the glass," Veronica tells her son, so the glass door doesn't hit him, his little five-year-old brain gets distracted easily.
"Watch out for the glass," he parrots her. Veronica chuckles.
"Is that my echo, I hear?"
"What's an echo?"
Shoot. She should have seen that one coming.
"It's a sound you make, reflecting off of something then coming back to you," she explains.
"That's weird."
"Yeah, it's a little weird."
"Do all sounds make an echo?" he asks. "Does Henry?"
"Hm, I think so," Veronica says, a little distracted. Her eyes run through the restaurant in search of a familiar face.
"What are you looking for?" Thomas whispers.
"The friend I'm supposed to meet, remember?" Veronica says. Then she sees her, sitting in one of the booths, her ginger hair hiding most of her face as she looks down, distracted by something on her phone. But it's her, it's undoubtedly her.
Veronica starts walking towards her, hands shaking and her heart beating fast.
"Hi, there," she says softly, not to startle Heather.
Heather shifts her attention from her cell phone to Veronica, bright blue eyes staring at her. She looks just as beautiful as when Veronica last saw her, eight years ago. Her hair is slightly shorter, and a little curlier too; her lips are painted red, but she's not wearing much more makeup than that, and Veronica can see the constellation of freckles on her face that is usually hidden by foundation.
"Hi," Heather replies. Veronica stands in front of her for a few seconds, her fingers fidgeting anxiously with the hem of her blouse, unsure of what she should do next. "This is the part where you awkwardly shake my hand."
"Right, sorry," Veronica chuckles and she accepts Heather's extended hand to greet her. Meanwhile, Thomas glances at the two of them, quietly. "And this is Thomas. Sorry, I tried to get a sitter but it fell through and his dad is out of town..."
"It's fine, I don't mind," Heather says. Veronica can see that she's suppressing a smile.
"What?" Veronica asks.
"Thomas Sawyer?" Heather lifts an eyebrow. "Like Tom Sawyer?"
"Maybe..." Veronica smirks. "There's a Dean in the middle but yeah..."
"It's good to see you're still as nerdy as ever," Heather playfully rolls her eyes. She looks at Thomas and offers him a smile. "It's nice meeting you, Thomas."
"He's being weirdly shy," Veronica says, gently nudging her son, who is timidly hiding behind her legs. "This is Heather, the friend I told you about."
"Heather? Like Auntie Mac?" Thomas asks.
"Yeah, like Auntie Mac."
"He's very cute," Heather tells her. Veronica thinks so too, but she's biased, of course.
"Say thank you," Veronica whispers to him. "Do you want to give Heather the thing?
"This is for you," he says, handing Heather's phone to her.
"My phone, wow. Thank you. This thing is a relic now," Heather chuckles. "Are you guys gonna sit or...?"
"Hm, yeah sure," Veronica says. "So, how are you?"
"Good. Busy," Heather replies. "Shall we?"
"Sure," Veronica nods.
"I went ahead and printed out your answers, so you can read them to me," Heather begins after the waiter leaves with their order. It's all very formal in a way, Heather makes it clear that they're there for a reason, but the sense of familiarity is still there, it feels comforting in a way. "Feel free to go off book if your answers have changed in the past few days."
"Ok. Question 20: What does friendship mean to you?" Veronica reads. "Someone who understands you are a flawed person and loves you anyway."
"What the paper, mom?" Thomas whispers to his mother.
"It's an exercise, kinda like a game," she tells him.
"A game?" his little brown eyes sparkle.
"It's for grown-ups, baby," Veronica says. "Do you want your coloring book?"
"Yeah," he says. Veronica takes it out of her bag along with some coloring pencils, knowing those will keep him distracted for a while.
"Question 21: What roles do love and affection play in your life? They're very important to me, sometimes to a fault," Veronica continues. "Question 23: Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. I'm gonna go off book now. You're here, and you look beautiful, and you actually agreed to this."
Heather phlegmatically keeps her eyes on Veronica, but she doesn't say anything. Veronica wonders what is going on inside her head. Is she nervous like her? Did she stay up all night thinking about this? Or is she didnt for it to be over so she can move on with her life?
"Question 23: How close and warm is your family? Do you feel like your childhood was happier than most people's? My family is everything, and I think I can safely say my childhood was happier than most people I know, and I'm very grateful for that," Veronica says. "Question 24: How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? It's good. I feel like I understand her more now that I'm a mom. And somehow also less. I don't know, it's complicated."
Heather chuckles. Veronica tries her hardest to control her blushing.
"Question 25: Make three we statements...God, this one is complicated. I can't really read you right now."
Heather shrugs, but there's a hint of a smile there like she's proud of how enigmatic she is to Veronica. "Give it a try."
"Ok, hm...I'm guessing we're both feeling anxious right now. Maybe a little sad and I don't know, relieved?" Veronica shrugs. "Does that work?
"Sure."
"Question 26: Complete this sentence...I wish I had someone with whom I could share...A bag of Twizzlers. I don't know," she says. "Question 27: If you were going to become a close friend with your partner please share what would be important for him or her to know. Sometimes I get so hellbent on making my point heard that I don't listen to what other people have to say."
Like when you tried to explain yourself to me and I barely listened, Veronica thinks, but she doesn't say it; she knows Heather is thinking it too.
"Question 28: Tell your partner what you like about them, Be very honest this time, saying things you might not say about someone you just met. I like that you don't take the world too seriously and it doesn't seem to weigh you down like it does me," Veronica says. "29: Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. Well, there was this one time when I was flirting with a guy, and a made a joke about his mom, and it turns out he didn't have a mom anymore. Or when I got really drunk and puked on your expensive shoes. But you already knew those."
"Yeah, you still owe me a new pair by the way."
"I'm pretty sure I gave you a box of chocolates to make up for it, 'cause that was all I could afford," Veronica teases her and Heather rolls her eyes. "Question 30: When why the last time you cried? When Thomas and I watched The Sound of Music," upon hearing his name, Thomas looks up from his coloring book, so Veronica turned to him, combing his messy brown hair with her fingers. "Remember that? When the captain sings to his kids."
"Yeah," he giggles, then focuses on the book again, losing interest in the conversation quickly.
"Question 31: Tell your partner something you like about them. I've always loved your smile, and hearing you laugh," Veronica says, and she ears a smile from Heather. "Question 32: What is something too serious to be joked about? This one got kinda long and I might terrify my kid..."
"Just say one," Heather suggests.
"Hm, people dying, I guess. Question 32: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone what would you most regret not having told someone? I would like to tell you I'm sorry for not doing this when I should have. I sometimes think about what would have happened if I hadn't shut it all down, where would we be instead of here? Do you ever think about that?"
"I have," Heather says. Again, just by looking at her, Veronica isn't sure what she means by that.
"Ok. Question 34: Your house containing everything you own catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets you have time to safely make a final stash to save one item. What would it be? Why? My diary, there's a lot of memories in there," Veronica says. "Question 35: Of all the people in your family whose death would you find the most disturbing? Well, present company, for obvious reasons..." she whispers, using her head to point at her son and hopes he doesn't notice.
Veronica licks her lips, her mouth dry, and reads the final question.
"Question 36: Share a personal problem and ask your partner advice on how he or she might handle it, also ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen," Veronica exhales a shaky breath and looks at Heather. "How do I let you go?"
Heather squints her eyes playfully, shifting the tone of the conversation. Usually, Veronica was the one to make light of a situation when things got hard, as a way to protect herself, not Heather. "This feels vaguely familiar..."
"Yeah. What is your advice?"
Heather runs a hand through her hair like she's buying herself time to think of something to say. But not for one second does she break eye contact with Veronica." I think you just live," she says at last. "I think you can get all wrapped up in what could have been and what could be happening but all those are based on assumptions and expectations. The truth is that you don't have any idea of what the future holds. You don't know what you don't know, so stop fretting about it."
"I think now you're supposed to tell me how I feel about it."
Heather smiles, red lips parting and showing pearly white teeth. "I think you feel...ready."
"Ready?" Veronica blinks. "For what?"
"For the staring part," Heather says as if that was obvious.
"You really want to do that? Here? People are gonna think that we're weird."
"So what? I don't care what they think."
"How long is it?"
"4 minutes."
"4?! Jesus..." Veronica sighs. "OK, fine. Let's go it."
Heather smiles triumphantly. "Good."
"Wait, it's not a blinking contest, right?"
"No," Heather chuckles.
"Ok, good," Veronica says. Heather sets the timer on her cellphone —her current one— and they begin.
"What are you doing?" Thomas asks.
"We're still playing the game," Veronica says, still looking at Heather.
"It's useless to explain eye contact to him, his generation will have no use for it," Heather says.
"That is terrifying."
They don't speak much after that, they just obey the test and stare into each other's eyes. Veronica tries to use the limited time to take all of Heather in, her beautiful eyes, the color of her hair, every single freckle that paints her face, every expression line that is begging to appear on her face, thanks to all of the times she smiled in her lifetime, a lot of those smiles she had shared with Veronica.
Four minutes fly by, and the alarm on Heather's phone announces their time is over. Although she was dreading it at first, Veronica wishes she had more time, to just look at Heather and try to decipher what goes on inside her mind, to try to take it all in, what's happening, and what will happen after this.
They pay the bill, and they walk next to each other towards the exit, then through the sidewalk until Heather stops in front of her car.
"Are we going to get slushies now?" Thomas asks, keeping his priorities straight as always.
"Yes!" Veronica ruffles his hair playfully. She likes to blame his slushie obsession on his dad, but JD always remembers her about her late-night craving for cherry slushies during her pregnancy and how many times he had to drive to the nearest 7-Eleven to buy her one in the middle of the night, so she was partially at fault too —though she could 100% blame JD for getting her addicted to it.
"Well, you two have fun," Heather says.
"Thanks. It was really nice seeing you," Veronica replies.
"Yeah, you too," Heather smiles. "So how do we go for the lame handshake again or do we pretend like we're mature enough for a hug?"
"I think we can suck it up and be mature," Veronica says. Heather seems pleased with her answers and moves forward to embrace her in a hug. The smell of roses invades Veronica's nose, and she finds herself not wanting to let go.
"I should go or I'm gonna be late for my flight," Heather says. She bends her knees slightly to be at the same height as Thomas. "It was nice meeting you, Thomas."
"You too," he smiles, still a little shy. "Do you know that my mom has a duck?"
Heather laughs. "Yeah, I do. I met Henry when he was little."
"Really?" Thomas smiles, showing the cute little dimple on the left side of his cheek. "That's cool."
"Aham."
"He talks about Henry to everyone, I'm actually surprised it took him this long to mention him," Veronica says to Heather.
"Well, I'm glad to know that he's ok. Give him a kiss for me, alright?" Heather winks. "Bye."
"Bye," Veronica waves back.
She doesn't want Heather to go, she wants to go back and keep talking to Heather. She wasn't to asks her everything about her life, what she works with now, where she lives, of she's happy. Veronica hopes she is happy.
Heather gives her one last smile before turning around. Veronica should be getting into her own car, but she finds herself unable to move her feet.
"Hey, Heather," Veronica says. She fears Heather won't hear her, but she turns around, bright blue eyes looking at her expectantly. "Hm, you know how to reach me now. If you're ever in town again...give me a call."
Heather purses her lips. For a second Veronica thinks she will turn around again without another word, but as the smile starts to show on Heather's face, Veronica feels herself relaxing.
"I would love that."