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It was rare they met on such a stormy night. Usually they met under a clear sky, when the moon was full and the stars shone bright. The first year they met by coincidence, and said little. But they found a spot, not far from where everyone would be gathering for the fireworks, and sat together. They had a little time before the firework show began, and he could remember keeping his gaze fixed on the sky to avoid temptation. The skies were so clear and deep, he could see the colours of far off nebulas.
When the fireworks went off, he could see the blood on Seishirou’s sleeve.
He never knew quite how it happened. He was still foggy back then. His mind was always elsewhere when they met, but back then it was particularly bad. He’d been desperate. The best he could remember was he noticed when Seishirou went to leave and he grabbed his arm and started begging. All his deepest desires were lost in the sound of echoing fireworks.
But Seishirou never gave him what he wanted. Not anymore.
He woke up the next morning to an empty bed, cherry blossom petals on the pillow and in the sink. He could remember the tears burning their way down his face. That was it. Seishirou had denied his wish.
He left the hotel in an ambulance the maid had called. The doctors wanted to keep him in, but he left before they could even pull up a record of who he was.
Subaru didn’t want to kill himself. Sometimes he forgot to eat when other things were on his mind. He didn’t need help to fix that.
The next year, they ran into each other in the city. The same night in July. Subaru saw him talking to a business man, clearly discussing something of great importance.
He went to him and asked him again to fulfil his desire. He clutched a wad of cash he could never tell anyone the origin of.
Once again, Seishirou refused.
That night he took him to an apartment. The kind business men would rent it out to them if they were staying a while. There was a bedroom and a kitchenette. Seishirou had laughed as he offered to play the good boyfriend again and cook him something. Subaru hadn’t responded.
He could smell the cherry blossoms burning whenever Seishirou took a drag of his cigarette. Heard them crackling in his throat as the fire and moisture met. Subaru had reached out for one of those cigarettes, but Seishirou pulled them away.
He left him a full breakfast in the morning.
Subaru ate it before he left.
It was starting to become a tradition. Them meeting, Subaru telling him what he wanted, Seishirou fucking him, and leaving before morning. They didn’t sleep those nights, but the conversation between them was shallow. There was nothing Seishirou wanted to tell him. He was barely worth looking at. The only reason it went the way it did was because Seishirou was mocking him. It was a mark of how little Subaru meant to him; a point he’d go this far to make.
Every time, Subaru wondered the same thing.
He could hear those petals burning again tonight. They still hadn’t cleared up, even after all this time. Subaru cuddled into his side, resting his head on Seishirou’s chest. He could imagine the flutter every time he breathed, almost hear it as his ear pressed to Seishirou’s chest. His system was probably full of them if they’d been growing this long.
Hokuto had once told them they were for him. He could remember Sei’s smiling face as he confirmed that, and said they’d be cleared the day they were married. Hokuto said they needed to have a celebration to commemorate it finally clearing and Sei told her he planned to make that a very private celebration. Hokuto had loved the sound of that. Subaru remembered blushing and begging them to stop talking like that.
Even then, he knew it wasn’t for him.
Subaru scrunched his eyes closed, trying not to think about Hokuto anymore. His hand balled into a fist, unintentionally pulling Seishirou closer. Seishirou’s breath stopped for a second, before returning with a cough. The pink petals filling his hand, only to be crushed and dropped on the floor by the bed with all the others.
“Seishirou,” he started but stopped himself. It was best not to ask questions he didn’t want to know the answer to. Still, he glanced up to judge Seishirou’s reaction. From this angle, he could just catch Seishirou’s eyes from under his sunglasses, glancing down at him. His right eye shaking, and a similar vibration in the left, only softer. It was starting to go too.
He felt his stomach sink, pulling his heart down with it.
Seishirou was waiting for him to say something.
There was only one reason for him to be here anyway.
“Do you want to go again?”