Work Text:
Prelude:
When Ava’s mom has to go to Los Angeles at the last minute and needs her car, the girls are disappointed that lack of transportation means they can’t follow through with their plan to get revenge on Lucas Gruzinsky for breaking up with Emma.
Particularly because they already bought the crickets.
But Belford Academy will just have to remain cricket-free until they can find another ride. Samantha hopes the crickets don’t die in the meantime. She should probably get them a bigger box.
When Coach announces the scrimmage against Carlsbad, the Sirens mostly forget about the crickets and the revenge plot.
Week 1:
Carlsbad wins the scrimmage against Westbrook easily.
***
Holly is happy when the Sirens come over to hug her before they start warming up for the scrimmage. She’s missed the girls. Though that feeling quickly switches to annoyance when McCarthy scolds her about it. And then she has to confess the McCarthy situation to Marvyn, so she’s even more annoyed. But she shakes his hand and wishes him luck when the whistle blows.
Marvyn: “You have something – ”
He’s impossible.
In the first half, watching Ava and Louise do exactly what Holly would have expected of players who hate each other, she enjoys rubbing Marvyn’s nose in it. Until it gets her called out.
Joyce: “Hey! Stop flirting with Coach Hair Gel over here and focus on your team. They’re wearing grey if you haven’t noticed.”
After Ava grabs Louise to slow her down and Louise elbows her in response, the first half ends with Marvyn and Holly physically pulling them off of each other.
In the second half, Ava grabs Louise by the ponytail, yanking her back so Ava can steal a pass from Destiny.
Holly looks at Marvyn.
Holly: “Tenacious?”
Marvyn: “Right. Not toxic.”
Louise trips Ava in retaliation. Twice.
Marvyn: “Louise! Knock it off!”
Holly: “This seems like it’s going great, Marvyn.”
Marvyn: “Nobody likes a smart aleck, Holly.”
Joyce: “You two are the worst.”
***
In the locker room after the game, Ava pipes up.
Ava: “Why were you all hugging that Carlsbad coach before the game? Is that like a thing here, hugging the other team’s coach? Because I am not getting on board with that.”
Louise rolls her eyes.
Samantha: “Oh, that was Holly! Holly used to be our assistant coach. Now she’s Carlsbad’s coach, but we miss her.”
Ava: “Weird. And what even is the point of a scrimmage? What a waste of time.”
Louise: “Do you ever shut up, Volleyball?”
Mouse: “It helped us bond as a team? Sorry Louise.”
***
Holly gleefully recounts the chaos at the scrimmage over their steaks the next night.
Holly: “So Ava’s not causing any wreckage on the team, huh?”
Marvyn: “Ha. Ha. Hey, how’s Joyce?”
Holly rolls her eyes.
Holly: “She still hates you. And she stopped complaining to me about the game when we won by eighteen points, so. Working out okay for me so far.”
Marvyn: “Nice, maybe you guys really will become besties.” He smirks at her.
Holly: “Speaking of besties, how did the plan to get Ava and Louise to bond go? Because it looked like they still can’t stand each other.”
Marvyn points his fork at her.
Marvyn: “Okay – rematch, same time next week, same terms, because by then, I will have gotten Louise and Ava to be friends and great teammates.”
Holly takes a sip of her wine and looks at him over the edge of the glass. She sets the glass down.
Holly: “You’re on. I look forward to you buying me dinner again a week from today.”
Marvyn: “We’ll see who’s buying who dinner. Sirens on three?”
Holly just shakes her head, smiling.
It doesn’t quite escalate from there. It stays almost exactly the same from there. Weekly wagers, weekly scrimmages, weekly dinners. Twelve weeks, to be precise.
Week 2:
After two weeks back in California, watching her dad get increasingly lonely and unhinged, even though she’s back in town, Emma realizes she needs reinforcements. When Louise mentions at lunch that they have another scrimmage against Carlsbad that afternoon, she gets an idea.
Thankfully the Cobras are busy warming up, so Emma can pull Holly aside for a few minutes.
Emma: “My dad won’t stop talking to his bonsais. It’s freaking me out. And the girls say he’s talking to the ones in his office, too.”
Holly: “That is worrying. I’ll see what I can do.”
Holly: “Is everything else okay, Emma? Your dad said you’ve been quiet lately.”
Emma lets the story about Lucas breaking up with her pour out.
Holly is hugging her when Joyce comes into the gym.
Joyce: “What did I say about snuggling with the enemy, Holly?”
Holly: “This one doesn’t even play basketball, Joyce.”
***
Marvyn: “Lovely to see Principal McCarthy again.”
Holly: “She insisted on coming to the scrimmage, what do you want me to do, Marvyn, she’s my boss.”
Marvyn: “Too bad that when you finally get a head coach job, you have a back-seat driving former head coach, now boss.”
Marvyn regrets that dig as the game goes on, because predictably, Holly retaliates. He spends a minute wondering why he always forgets that she always retaliates.
After Ava elbows Louise in the solar plexus to slow her down:
Holly: “Thanks for not injuring each other, Cobras!”
After Ava refuses to pass the ball to Louise, who is the only one open, and the Cobras score off of the turnover:
Holly: “Nice teamwork girls, keep working together!”
After Ava mocks one of the referees when he calls her on a flagrant foul:
Holly: “Good job, girls, way to stay positive and kind!”
After Louise intercepts a pass meant for Ava but misses the shot and the Cobras are back on offense:
Holly: “Great passing, way to not steal the ball from your own teammate!”
Marvyn finally hits his limit.
Marvyn: “Ava, Louise, stop giving Holly ammunition!”
All of the players stop on the court and turn and look at him. Carlsbad players included.
He swallows.
Marvyn: “Hustle back on D, girls, is what I meant to say.”
He refuses to look at the guest team area because he can hear Holly laughing at him. From the way it’s sort of muffled, he thinks she might be doubled over.
***
At the start of the second half, Holly goes to the edge of her box to taunt Marvyn.
Holly: “Weren’t they supposed to be best friends by this game?”
Marvyn rolls his eyes and shakes his clipboard at her.
Marvyn: “Three fights is fewer than seven, Holly, that’s just math. And progress.”
Holly: “Three fights so far.”
***
Ava and Louise continue to give Holly ammunition.
Marvyn: “Ava did you just – ” he breaks off, looking at Holly, then sighs.
Marvyn: “Bite Louise?”
Holly: “She definitely did.”
***
Holly and Marvyn end up each getting an indirect technical foul for bickering with each other and leaving their boxes. Holly thinks it’s worth it. She had to point out the biting thing. It was too good not to.
***
Sarah: “I don’t think I’ve ever refereed a weirder game.”
Brad: “Me neither. And man, the Sirens number 19 is savage.”
Sarah: “Seriously.”
***
Carlsbad wins, but this time only by ten. Marvyn buys Holly dinner again the next night.
Week 3:
At first, Louise thinks Coach has developed some kind of nervous tick. He’s constantly glancing to his right when he’s talking to the team in the locker room or during practice in the gym, like he expects something to be there. Or can see something there.
It’s a little freaky.
She mentions it to Mouse after practice.
Mouse: “It’s probably a ghost.”
Louise: “… I don’t think it’s a ghost.”
***
Ava and Louise only fight three times during the scrimmage. Though Marvyn and Holly have to break up the second fight and the referee threatens to eject both players after the third. Marvyn’s not sure if that counts as progress.
Especially because the other referee threatens to eject both him and Holly for arguing about whether it is or isn’t progress for most of the second half.
Joyce: “Definitely eject Coach Hair Gel.”
***
Carlsbad wins by eight.
***
After the final buzzer sounds, Holly drifts towards Marvyn’s side of the court.
Marvyn: “Can’t you do something about Joyce? I don’t even have any gel in my hair today, Holly.”
Holly: “I can tell.”
Marvyn: “Holly.”
Holly: “I’ll take care of it. Stop pouting, you’re a grown man.”
***
Sarah wonders who she pissed off to get constantly stuck refereeing these scrimmages. Though more likely it was just Trevor pulling rank and refusing after the first one. At least Brad is suffering with her?
***
After the game, Joyce pulls Holly aside.
Joyce: “This is a waste of time. It’s just you and Big Shot flirting, obnoxious flirting, by the way, and I can’t take it anymore.”
Holly: “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Joyce.”
Joyce: “I’m going to call Sherilyn and we’re putting a stop to these scrimmages.”
Holly knows Sherilyn has had Joyce’s mobile, home, and office numbers blocked across all of her own devices for years, due to pig-related kissing, so she smiles at Joyce.
Holly: “Whatever you say, boss.”
***
Ava: “Why does that Carlsbad coach keep helping Coach?”
Louise: “What are you talking about?”
Ava: “She literally pulled me off of you earlier, Gruzinsky.”
Louise: “We told you already. Holly used to be our assistant coach.”
Ava: “And she just still helps him all the time and they stare at each other a lot? Sure, that’s normal.”
That’s when Louise realizes. Every time Coach looks to his right, he’s looking for Holly. And flinching when he doesn’t find her there.
Like he’s trying to throw a game-winning no-look pass, but it’s going to be a turnover, because his teammate isn’t where she’s supposed to be.
She has no idea what to do with that.
She really hates Ava.
***
Week 4:
The Sirens are running laps to warm up before practice on Wednesday.
Marvyn: “Pick up the pace, girls! We need to beat Carlsbad at the scrimmage tomorrow. I can’t keep buying Coach Barrett dinner every week just because you can’t work together!”
At least half the team rolls their eyes so hard that it causes them to trip and fall over. Tripping most of the rest of the team.
The next morning at practice, the entire starting lineup sports conspicuous injuries from those falls and declare they can’t play in the scrimmage that afternoon.
Samantha: “Maybe we should just cancel it? Since we’re all hurt?”
Louise: “Yeah and we’re all exhausted from these scrimmages. And definitely hurt.”
Destiny: “Very injured.”
Marvyn: “No, it’ll be a good chance for some of the younger players to get game experience. We’re not canceling it. Tabitha, you can sub in as point guard this afternoon.”
So, not a total victory, but at least a temporary reprieve. Louise and Ava nod at each other, taped up knees knocking together in triumph. Samantha and Mouse fist bump, each using the hands with bandaged wrists.
Tabitha: “Absolutely not. And they’re all faking it.”
Destiny whacks her with the crutch she doesn’t need.
Sienna: “It’s true.”
Neither of them flinches when Louise, Destiny, Mouse, Ava, and Samantha all turn to stare them down.
Tabitha: “What? It’s true.”
Later, the Westbrook starters realize they can’t fight a war on all fronts, so they agree to backburner the one against their other teammates.
But they don’t forget. Until they kind of do.
***
Holly: “I solved your Joyce problem. My cell phone reception was really spotty, so I couldn’t hear her when she called to say she was banning Westbrook scrimmages, even though she couldn’t reach Sherilyn. And I told the girls to carpool here so we wouldn’t need the bus.”
Marvyn: “Clever. I like it.”
Holly: “Obviously.”
***
Holly and Marvyn spend most of the third period arguing about where to go for dinner the following night, because Holly won’t go out for Mexican with Marvyn out of loyalty to Sherilyn.
Even though Sherilyn has been complaining that they never do Taco Tuesdays anymore and Holly hasn’t admitted that it’s because she and Marvyn always go to the Shot Clock on Tuesdays now.
It’s the principle of the thing.
***
Coach Korn: “Sometimes a man just wants queso and a margarita, Holly, why is that so hard for you to understand?!”
Sarah personally finds that comment very hard to understand, in the context that it is being yelled across the court at the opposing side’s coach in the middle of a girls’ basketball game.
***
Brad texts his therapist about scheduling an extra session this week to talk about how his work has taken a weirdly surreal turn for the worse recently. And how mean some high school girls are. Well, one high school girl.
***
Carlsbad wins. Holly and Marvyn go out for pizza to satisfy Marvyn’s cheese-based needs while maintaining Holly’s moral stance about only eating Mexican food with Sherilyn. Marvyn resigns himself to a beer instead of a margarita.
Week 5:
During the second half of their fifth scrimmage against Carlsbad, Destiny notices that there is a total lack of direction coming from the side of the court during the game. The teams are both still talking on the court, shouting out plays or calling ‘ball, ball, ball’ when they’re open, but she hasn’t heard Coach’s voice yelling instructions in five minutes. Or Holly’s, for that matter.
It’s disconcerting to not hear “hustle back” for an entire period of a basketball game. Destiny didn’t know that before today. She feels weird about it.
She feels even weirder when she glances over as the Sirens are, in fact, hustling back, despite no one telling them to, and realizes that Coach and Holly aren’t even arguing, which would at least make some sense.
No, they’re alternating smiling at each other and looking away and then sneaking glances at each other when the other one isn’t looking.
Destiny doesn’t quite know how she feels about that either.
***
Westbrook wins. Holly and Marvyn go out for ramen.
***
Ava: “So obviously I’ve never played high school basketball before, because be real, why would I have, but this is a weird number of scrimmages to play against one team, right?”
Mouse: “Right.”
Samantha: “Yes.”
Destiny: “Not normal.”
Louise lays down on one of the benches and groans, flopping an arm over her eyes.
Ava: “Okay, seriously, how is a Division Two Southern California high school basketball rivalry more psychotic than World Championship volleyball?”
Mouse: “Actually, Carlsbad is in Division One.”
Samantha: “I blame McCarthy. I bet she made a Voodoo doll of Coach and is using it to control him.”
Louise: “Please don’t explain that theory.” She doesn’t sit up or take her arm off of her eyes.
Samantha: “What? She did that once. It was of the Encinitas coach. I heard he fell into a ravine a few days after we played them.”
Mouse: “Seriously? You guys don’t get it?”
Louise: “Who are you blaming, then, Mouse?”
Mouse: “Coach and Holly. This has nothing to do with the Carlsbad-Westbrook rivalry.”
Samantha: “Yeah, duh, it’s because of the Voodoo doll McCarthy made of Coach.”
Then Louise remembers how Coach is still always turning to look for Holly or reaching for Holly and then flinching when she isn’t there.
Louise: “Uh oh.”
Destiny thinks about Coach and Holly paying no attention to the game earlier that day and also smiling at each other like idiots.
Destiny: “Uh oh.”
Samantha wonders if McCarthy made Voodoo dolls of Coach and Holly.
Samantha: “Uh oh.”
Ava: “What’s with all the uh ohs?”
Mouse: “They just realized that I’m right.”
Week 6:
They raise the issue at the pre-scrimmage talk in the locker room.
Samantha: “Coach, why are we still playing these scrimmages? We’ve already played Carlsbad every week for five straight weeks. And we still have to play our regular season games against them.”
Louise: “Yeah, it isn’t giving us an advantage against any other team we play, and it’s time we aren’t practicing.”
The other girls murmur their agreement, nodding.
Marvyn: “Girls, I’m your coach, so let me coach.”
They just stare at him. He sighs.
Marvyn: “It’s a valuable exercise! It requires shaking up our style of play against an opponent that knows us. Keeping them on their toes by being flexible. It’s helping us stay nimble and adaptable.” He claps his hands at them. “Okay, out on the court, now. And focus!”
The Sirens exchange glances, not moving.
Samantha: “Are you sure it’s not because you want an excuse to see Holly every week?”
Louise: “Because you miss her?”
Destiny: “So we have to suffer?”
Mouse: “Guys, I thought we weren’t going to mention his obsession with Holly, so we wouldn’t have to run as much?”
Marvyn: “Okay, laps. All the laps.”
As they run their laps, the girls confer about whether another attempt at faking injuries is worth it. They decide it isn’t. Mostly because of that snitch Tabitha.
It eventually gets a little crowded along the edge of the court because the Carlsbad starters are running a ton of laps too, for some reason.
***
It turns out neither team is very nimble or adaptable after having run more than two miles before playing a game, particularly since it ate up their entire warmup time.
Holly: “Why were the girls running so many laps before the scrimmage?”
Marvyn: “No reason.
Holly: “Ha. Seriously.”
Marvyn: “Fitness. Why were yours?”
Holly: “No reason.”
Marvyn: “Holly.”
Holly: “Fitness.”
Marvyn: “Holly.”
Holly: “They’ve been making pointed comments about how often we scrimmage Westbrook and I thought they could use a reminder of who is in charge.”
Marvyn sighs.
Marvyn: “Same. And Mouse sassed me.”
***
Holly and Marvyn go out for Thai. Not that either of them remembers who won the game.
Week 7:
Both teams are listless and sluggish on the court, putting in the barest amount of effort. Their coaches don’t notice. They also haven’t noticed that none of their players who don’t start have attended a scrimmage in two weeks.
***
Westbrook wins. Ava and Louise haven’t fought on the court in three weeks, are actually playing together cooperatively, if not energetically, because no one is energetic, not that Holly or Marvyn have noticed that either.
***
The girls corner Emma that Friday to grill her.
Emma: “Don’t ask me, he’s driving me insane, too. All I know is, he comes home all sad and mopey every day from school, unless it’s Tuesday, when he and Holly go to the Shot Clock for dinner, or Thursday, when you scrimmage Carlsbad, and they usually go out for burgers or drinks after, or Friday, when whoever’s team won on Thursday collects on the outcome, and they go out for steak or sushi or whatever. His bonsais are basically twigs at this point.”
Destiny: “We’re so screwed.”
Emma: “And sometimes they talk on the phone on Saturdays. Actually, most Saturdays. And Holly came over once on a Sunday, to talk about new plays and then stayed for like six hours.”
Louise lets out a low whistle of alarm. Ava looks at her and nods.
Ava: “Okay, Houston, we have a problem.”
Mouse: “The moon!”
Everyone turns to look at her.
Mouse: “What?”
Louise: “Is he pining away for her when he still sees her at least three times a week? While telling us to focus constantly? Is that what’s happening here?”
Emma: “That may be what’s happening here.”
Destiny: “Well what happened to ‘there is nothing more important than basketball?’ Did he have a personality transplant over the summer? Or a stroke, maybe? That somehow went unnoticed?”
Mouse: “Holly happened. And then left for Carlsbad.”
Samantha: “I mean, he is making us play extra basketball? So, there’s still nothing more important than basketball, as long as it lets him see his crush?” She shrugs. “Boys.”
Emma: “I did ask him if they were dating two weeks ago.”
Louise: “And?”
Emma: “He denied it. It was surprisingly convincing. And also, very convincing that he wants them to be dating. Though I don’t think he meant for me to pick up on that second part.”
Destiny: “So. Screwed.”
Week 8:
Sarah: “Is Starbucks hiring, do you think?”
Brad: “If they are, pick me up an application, please.”
***
It isn’t until the eighth week that Samantha realizes the Carlsbad players are perfect mirrors of their exhausted, dead-eyed Westbrook counterparts. That’s when she gets the idea.
She texts an old Carlsbad classmate, who knows someone who knows Savannah Gibson, who puts Samantha in touch with the current Carlsbad captain so they can arrange a rendezvous.
The teams square off on the outdoor court in uniform, two hostile fronts, all with arms crossed and glaring at each other, until Samantha steps forward.
Samantha: “We can’t keep doing this.”
Like a cord has been cut, the tension between both teams breaks.
Number 40: “Agreed.”
Number 15: “Absolutely not.”
Number 6 sits down on the asphalt and puts her head on her bent knees.
Number 23: “It has got to stop. If Coach makes us run again for complaining about the scrimmages, I might scream.”
Number 40: “It wasn’t for complaining about the scrimmages, idiot. It was because you made fun of Coach Korn where Coach could hear you.”
Number 15: “Rookie mistake.”
Number 23: “That was one time. Every other time it was because we were complaining about the scrimmages.”
Mouse: “I feel bad for the referees. They seem really stressed.”
Number 23: “I think I saw one of them crying after the game last week.”
Destiny: “Oh yeah, he was definitely crying. Well, if we solve our problem, we solve their problem too.”
Samantha: “So you guys know Holly was our assistant coach before, right? And they were basically Mom and Dad. So that’s – “
Number 40 interrupts her: “We get it. It’s not rocket science. They aren’t subtle at all.”
Number 15: “At all.”
Number 6, from her seated position, muffled: “It’s embarrassing. I’m embarrassed for them.”
Number 23: “Me too.”
Destiny: “Yeah, we all are. It’s incredibly embarrassing.”
Samantha: “We thought about trying to get them together, Parent Trap-style, but it seemed too complicated since they don’t share an office anymore, so they aren’t ever in the same place except at the games.”
Ava: “Or the like five times a week they have dinner together, according to Coach’s daughter.”
Louise kicks her shin, not very subtly.
Number 15: “Okay, Sit-mantha’s Parent Trap plan is obviously not going to work. Shocker.”
Mouse: “Hey!”
Destiny grabs her elbow before she can do more than lunge forward.
Number 6: “So let’s try a different approach. Cause some chaos. Force them to realize how pointless this all is.”
Ava: “Finally, we are speaking my language.”
Louise: “Which part? Chaos or pointlessness?”
Ava: “Both.”
Louise kicks her again and yelps when Ava kicks her back before going to sit down next to Number 6. Eventually the girls all end up clustered around, suggesting ideas for creating an unsustainable level of havoc.
Number 23 starts a list on her phone. Number 15 declares that there aren’t any bad ideas, unless the idea is Sit-mantha’s.
Destiny then has to sit on Mouse to stop her going for Number 15, but it’s fine.
The ‘there are no bad ideas’ attitude loses some momentum when Ava suggests letting Samantha’s crickets loose in the gym during one of the scrimmages, and all of the Carlsbad girls immediately start yelling about bees. Ava drops it.
Samantha thinks she needs to do something about those crickets. Their box is definitely not big enough. She also can’t remember when she last fed them.
Slowly the plan, working title: ‘please for the love of God, stop torturing us we are begging you’ takes shape.
Admittedly, the title could use some tweaking, but the players are too tired to come up with a better one.
Interlude:
A local news outlet runs a story about an outbreak of serious mold-related respiratory illnesses at a boys’ school, Belford Academy, in La Jolla.
None of the basketball players or coaches at Westbrook Academy or Carlsbad Prep notice.
Week 9:
They put their first idea into action during the ninth scrimmage. At the beginning of the second period, Westbrook and Carlsbad players start passing the ball to each other, taking turns scoring on either goal without caring whose it is, not even pretending to be playing against each other, to see how long it takes their coaches to react.
It takes them a long time to even notice.
As in, the referee calls double digit fouls on the behavior with no commentary from the sidelines and finally has to go over and point it out to their coaches, long time to notice.
After the referee does, Coach Korn and Coach Barrett each shout out a lackluster corrective direction.
Marvyn: “Girls, this is a scrimmage, take it seriously!”
Holly: “Get your heads in the game, Cobras!”
And then they immediately go back to their conversation.
The girls continue their free-for-all.
***
Brad gives up on calling fouls and starts scrolling through his Twitter feed.
***
Westbrook technically has more points than Carlsbad at the end of the game, though at least a third of those Westbrook points were scored by Carlsbad players.
***
The teams strike attempt number one off of the list.
Still, they’ve got three more weeks of plans to try and literally nothing to lose. And attempt number one was just the beginning, anyway.
***
At drinks that night, Holly and Marvyn confront the obvious.
Holly: “You don’t think our teams are – ”
Marvyn: “What, fucking with us? No. They wouldn’t do that.”
Holly: “Good.”
Marvyn: “Do you think they are?”
Holly: “No?”
Marvyn: “Good.”
Week 10:
Sarah stands on the sideline of the Westbrook gym, cursing her boss for insisting she referee another god-forsaken Carlsbad/Westbrook scrimmage.
The Westbrook bench area catches her eye, and she waves Brad over.
Sarah: “Is it … a technical violation if opposing coaches kiss during a game? Because they look like they’re about to.”
Brad: “I have no idea. I doubt it has ever come up before.”
Sarah: “This is torture. Why are we doing this?”
Brad: “No idea. All I know is, these scrimmages have become the only thing I talk about in therapy lately.”
Sarah: “Huh. Maybe I should go to therapy.”
Brad: “I’ll give you my guy’s contact info. He already knows all about this, so you can jump right into it.”
Sarah: “Thanks, Brad.”
They’re still standing next to each other when the gym doors open and students start trickling in, which is unusual, since no spectators have attended these scrimmages in weeks.
Sarah spots a girl in what looks like a fish costume with a long braid, and two, no, make that three, people in gorilla suits. They swap in for players on both teams mid-play. The players who have subbed themselves out illegally then greet four additional students, handing them Sirens or Cobras jerseys that were stashed behind the bleachers.
Then all four original players and all four new ‘players,’ two of whom are boys in Sirens’ jerseys, join the game in progress. The one with three gorillas and a weird mermaid/fish girl.
Over the next few minutes, at least ten more students enter the gym, some in street clothes, some in elaborate costumes, and join the game, which has swiftly become a melee.
Brad: “Is playing what looks like fourteen on fourteen during a game a technical foul? Or a regular foul? I can’t keep track of the numbers, or who is even playing for who. Or is it playing in a gorilla suit that’s the technical foul?”
Sarah just sighs.
Brad: “Can we talk about what is going on here at some point?”
Sarah: “Yes, after two to three strong drinks. And also, probably at therapy.”
Whooping from one end of the court interrupts their conversation.
A gorilla just dunked the ball on the Sirens’ end.
The referees turn together to look at where Coach Korn and Coach Barrett are standing, out of their boxes and close enough that it actually is a technical foul, not that the referees have bothered calling one on them in weeks, because why waste your breath.
Neither coach appears to have noticed the gorillas. At any rate, they haven’t reacted at all.
They also don’t seem to have noticed that the fish girl fell over a few minutes ago and can’t seem to right herself and is flopping helplessly on the gym floor.
Sarah: “Okay I’m not doing this anymore.”
Brad: “Good call. I’ll still send you my therapist’s info though if you want. Trauma lingers.”
Sarah: “Thanks, Brad.”
***
Holly argues that Harper’s inadvertent dead fish impression means Carlsbad won and insists Marvyn pay when they go out for sushi the following night.
At dinner, she finally admits it.
Holly: “Marvyn, I think they might be fucking with us.”
Marvyn: “You think? What gave it away?”
Week 11:
Neither team turns up for what would have been the eleventh scrimmage.
Neither do any referees, though it’s pure coincidence that Holly and Marvyn broke them just a few weeks after they broke the girls, and that the referees, instead of creating elaborate schemes, because they are not teenagers, just flatly refused to attend Westbrook-Carlsbad scrimmages anymore.
The teams do send one spy each to observe and report back on the reaction to their boycott. Louise and Number 40 watch from strategically spaced gaps in the closed blinds of Coach’s office as their coaches look around the gym, then at each other and then down at their phones, frowning.
Louise and Number 40’s phones buzz almost simultaneously with a group text from their respective coach, demanding to know where they are and why they aren’t at the scrimmage. They each hold up their phones so the other can see.
Holly at least asks if the Carlsbad girls are okay in her text. Louise is not at all surprised that Coach does not ask if the Westbrook girls are okay.
Louise is expecting them to be angry, to continue texting, maybe escalate to calling players, or to check the locker rooms. What she doesn’t expect is for them to start inching closer together, talking in low voices, until Coach kisses Holly. For like, a while. And it’s pretty clearly not a first kiss. After a stunned second, she and Number 40 make eye contact and then each turn and snap a photo with their phones. Coach and Holly keep kissing.
Louise thinks that the Sirens are not going to believe this development. Then she reconsiders. They are absolutely going to believe this development.
***
Holly and Marvyn go to Murphy’s for Happy Hour since they have no players and therefore no game. Then they go back to Holly’s house.
***
Both teams run endless laps the next day for skipping the scrimmage and for their refusal to offer any explanation for skipping the scrimmage. But it’s not like they weren’t constantly running Carlsbad/Westbrook scrimmage-related laps anyway, so it hardly makes a difference.
Week 12:
One by one, Sirens and Cobras peel off of the scrimmage to do something conspicuously unrelated on the court while play continues – at least until they all drop off – around them. Destiny starts a series of sun salutations, eventually joined by Number 40 and Number 6.
Louise and Ava play a modified version of dodgeball with Number 15 and Number 23.
Mouse sits near the Sirens’ bench and lays out a Tarot reading for Number 10 on the floor of the court.
Samantha does cartwheels from one end of the gym to the other, narrowly avoiding being hit by an errant dodgeball throw at least twice.
The referees still haven’t come back, so there’s no one there to intervene.
Ava and Louise bicker good-naturedly as they play dodgeball. Mouse earnestly explains to Number 10 that ‘the Death card is really more about change; it doesn’t have to be a bad omen.’
Standing up to Mountain pose, Destiny sees Ms. Thomas come into the gym. She gets three feet from the door before she stops dead, her eyes taking in the scene, which is definitely not a basketball practice or game.
Destiny watches as her gaze finally lands on Coach and Holly, who are perched next to each other on the empty time-keeper’s table, shoulder to shoulder and seemingly oblivious to the fact that no basketball is happening on the court in front of them, heads bent together.
She pokes Number 40 to get her attention and points at Ms. Thomas, mouths “our principal” so she knows the context. Then gleefully waits for the carnage to start.
Sherilyn: “Do I need to separate you two?”
Her voice rings out through the gym, stopping everyone in their tracks.
Ava: “Uh yeah, probably?”
Number 15: “Probably a while ago?”
Louise: “Seriously.”
Coach and Holly visibly startle, snapping their heads up.
Holly: “Everything’s fine, Sherilyn! We’ve got this under control. I’ll see you on Monday for margaritas.”
Destiny expects the casual dismissal to ignite a firestorm, especially since the lie is so obvious. What about any of this situation could possibly be considered under control?
But Sherilyn just tilts her head back, looking up at the ceiling for a long minute and walks out of the gym.
Marvyn: “It’s not fair that I never get to have margaritas.”
Holly: “Get over it, Marvyn.”
Marvyn: “I just want a margarita, Holly, is that so much to ask?”
After that, Sirens and Cobras get bored of sun salutations and dodgeball, so Destiny hugs Number 40 and Number 6, and they leave, collecting Number 10 on their way out. Samantha has already tired herself out with cartwheels and Destiny joins her in the locker room. Mouse and Ava come in soon after, sighing.
On her way into the locker room, Louise high-fives Number 15 and Number 23 as they leave the gym, then turns and sees that Coach and Holly are still sitting next to each other, talking animatedly in the now otherwise empty space where a basketball scrimmage was supposed to be in progress, complete with two full teams and two referees.
She walks into the locker room.
Louise: “I think we’re really screwed.”
Destiny: “I’ll say.”
Ava: “Ditto.”
Samantha: “Even Ms. Thomas is no match for this ‘Harvyn’ energy. That’s legitimately scary.”
Destiny: “We did not agree on ‘Harvyn.’ I’m not on board with ‘Harvyn.’”
Mouse: “It’ll be okay. We’ll all eventually graduate. After playing one thousand scrimmages. And at some point, in the meantime, Coach and Holly will probably get married. And maybe become less insane?”
Samantha: “Is it going to be weird when we have our first regular game against Carlsbad next week, since they’re kind of our friends now?”
Louise: “Obviously.”
Destiny: “And because there’s no way Coach and Holly can behave themselves, even though there will actually be other people there, since it’s a real game.”
Ava: “It’s going to be a shit-show. I can’t wait.”
Samantha: “What do you guys think I should do with all the crickets? My mom keeps complaining about how loud their chirping is.”
***
The next day, Holly finally caves and she and Marvyn order in Tex-Mex. With margaritas.
***
They’re in bed, still slightly sweaty.
Holly: “Should we end the weekly scrimmages since we don’t need the excuse to see each other anymore? The girls all seem on the verge of rioting.”
She pauses, considering.
Holly: “Or maybe have already rioted. Also, Mouse pulled ‘Death’ and ‘The Tower’ during her Tarot reading, and Eliza is still upset about it. And Sherilyn made it very clear over text that she did not appreciate my tone yesterday.”
She lifts a hand and combs it through Marvyn’s hair. He purrs in pleasure, like a cat.
Marvyn: “Fine with me. Keep doing that. Also, Ava and Louise totally crushed your girls at dodgeball. And haven’t fought on the court in at least a month. Turns out they can get along, so I was right.”
He opens his eyes and smirks at her.
Holly slides her hand over his chest and snuggles closer so she can lay her head on his shoulder. And poke him harder with her increased leverage.
Holly: “Only because we gave them a common enemy to unite against. And they did not crush my girls.”
Marvyn: “One of my more ingenious schemes, I agree. And they definitely did.”
Holly: “You’re evil. And it wasn’t even a deliberate scheme until like the seventh scrimmage. And they did not.”
He kisses her hair.
Marvyn: “You like that about me. And it was. And they did.”
Holly: “I do. And it wasn’t. And they did not. You just missed me when I wasn’t in the office next door to you every day. It’s okay, you can admit it.”
Marvyn: “I did not.”
Holly: “Before we started scrimmaging every week, you called me six times in one day in September. When I had seen you the day before and you knew you would see me the day after. One time to tell me about the disappointing lunch options in the cafeteria. You missed me.”
Marvyn: “I did do that. Okay, I missed you.”
Holly: “Aww, babe, that’s so embarrassing for you.”
Holly immediately regrets teasing him because by now he knows exactly where she is the most ticklish.
Marvyn: “I do feel kind of bad about the referees though.”
Holly: “Yeah, I think we may have broken them permanently. Who knew you being distracted during a game would be so upsetting to them?”
Marvyn: “What? I wasn’t distracted! You were distracted.”
Holly: “Don’t be ridiculous. You were the one who was distracted.”
Marvyn: “You wouldn’t stop looking up at me through your eyelashes! What’s a man meant to do in the face of that? I mean, seriously, Holly. I’m asking.”
Holly: “Yeah, well you wouldn’t stop biting your lip – god damnit you’re doing it now, stop it, you menace.” But she’s batting her eyelashes at him, teasing.
Marvyn: “You stop it first.”
Holly: “Never.”
Marvyn: “Your eyes are a violation of the Geneva Convention. I’m calling the Hague.”
Holly stops batting her eyes so she can roll them at him instead.
Marvyn does stop biting his lip, but only so he can kiss her, swallowing her shrieks of laughter as he nearly topples them off the bed.
Week 13:
The first scheduled, official Carlsbad-Westbrook basketball game of the season takes place after three months of back-to-back unofficial scrimmages between the two teams. The bleachers are packed, fans of both schools eager to see a rematch of the history-making game that got Westbrook into Division II the year before, especially because fans weren’t allowed at either of last year’s games.
Sherilyn is there, face unreadable. Emma is there, bored face perfectly readable. Joyce is there, face annoyed, as usual.
Sarah and Brad are there, both regretting signing contracts that require that they attend official, scheduled league games. Even though they both submitted doctor’s notes from their therapist excusing them from refereeing this particular game due to work-place related trauma.
From tipoff, both teams are visibly startled when Coaches Korn and Barrett are fully engaged, calling out plays, encouraging them to hustle, calling time-outs when appropriate, and staying in their respective boxes without any apparent difficulty or distraction. They don’t even seem to be casually bickering. Just totally focused on their teams and the game. So basically, being normal coaches, instead of insane people. It’s deeply disconcerting.
Sarah and Brad are so confused by the abrupt change in behavior that they can’t stop flinching whenever either coach meaningfully participates in the game or gives any indication that they are watching at all.
It’s somehow more upsetting than the gorillas. At least the mermaid/fish girl is there, though she’s on the sidelines instead of flopping on the court.
Marvyn: “Girls, pick up your feet! Hustle back on D!”
Holly: “Cobras, I want to see more passing!”
Marvyn: “Samantha! Swing the ball!”
Holly: “Nice, Eliza!”
Marvyn: “Ava, arms up! There you go!”
Louise has to stop herself from passing the ball to Number 15 at least twice. And she thinks the Sirens’ three turnovers off of Number 23’s passes were actually just accidental passes to Samantha.
Both teams can’t help exchanging confused looks, while also trying to compete against each other in a way that they haven’t for more than eight weeks of ‘games.’
It’s not calculated chaos, like their plots over the past month, but it might as well be, for all of the high-level basketball that is being played. Because there is very little. It’s a normal game, business as usual, which, after the past three months, seems like the actual chaos.
At halftime, Coach storms into the locker room.
Marvyn: “Girls! Get your heads in this game. You can’t keep telegraphing your passes. It almost looks like you’re deliberately passing to Carlsbad players. We’re better than this!”
The girls just gape at him.
Marvyn: “And we beat Carlsbad twice last year, don’t forget that. There’s no reason we shouldn’t beat them today.”
Destiny: “But – ”
Mouse: “Don’t.”
Marvyn: “Louise, Ava, nice work on that last play. Way to work together. Destiny, when Number 23 swings it to Number 15, you have to anticipate that and block her. Mouse, way to hustle out there. Okay, Sirens on three, one two three, Sirens!”
He yells the cheer even though none of the players join him in it, or even put their hands in.
The Sirens exchange looks.
Louise: “Is this what having a stroke feels like?”
Mouse: “I don’t know. Do you smell toast?”
Destiny: “I smell a rat.”
***
The game ends in a tie, 48-48. Holly and Marvyn cordially shake hands after the buzzer sounds, polite smiles on their faces, a perfect display of professionalism, decorum, and collegiality.
***
Sherilyn: “Those two try my patience.”
Joyce: “Don’t get me started.”
Sherilyn: “What’s the pig situation in the event of a tie, Principal McCarthy?”
Joyce’s face is grim.
Joyce: “I think that it calls for a new tradition. The coaches both have to kiss the pig.”
Sherilyn: “Agreed.”
Holly doesn’t know it yet, but she’s in for an earful at Margarita Monday. Sherilyn hates agreeing with Joyce McCarthy more than anything, even kissing pigs.
Even more than she hates Holly and Marvyn right now, for the three months of scrimmage-based shenanigans that have been going on at her school because the two of them refused to admit how much they missed each other until they drove both of their teams off of the deep end.
Though it’s close.
***
Sarah and Brad walk out of the gym together, shell-shocked.
Sarah: “What the fuck just happened?”
Brad: “I don’t know. I have no idea.”
Sarah: “I feel very gas-lit.”
Brad: “Me too. Screw therapy. Let’s go drink things.”
***
After the game, the Sirens congregate in their locker room.
Destiny: “Well, we’ve been had. What are we going to do about it?”
Ava: “Blackmail.”
Louise: “I still hate you, but co-sign.”
Mouse: “Violence.”
Destiny: “Mouse, no. Louise, no one believes you still hate Ava, give it a rest.”
Ava: “Ha!”
Louise: “Did we win? I can’t remember. I’m too used to these games being elaborate chaos sequences with no losers except all of us, who have to keep playing them.”
Ava: “Same.”
Louise: “Stop copying me.”
Destiny sighs.
Samantha: “I’m going to let the crickets loose in Coach’s office, unless anyone has a better suggestion.”
Ava: “I do. Give half of them to Number 40 to put in Holly’s office at Carlsbad.”
Louise: “Ugh, I do too still hate you, but co-sign that, also.”
Coda I:
Holly holds the phone a little way away from her ear, wishing Marvyn would stop ranting, knowing he’s not going to.
Marvyn: “I don’t know why the girls would do this. I don’t like crickets, I don’t trust them, I think they’re weird.”
Holly: “I know, Marvyn. You’ve told me four times already today. And the girls did it because they’re all mad at us. Though I have no idea where they got the crickets. Or why their revenge took the form of crickets.”
The chirping sounds around her intensify. She can hear distant chirping from Marvyn’s end of the phone call, too. She sighs.
Holly: “I don’t trust crickets either. Let’s just go out for lunch and hope the exterminators arrive while we’re gone.”
***
When Sherilyn gets the exterminator’s invoice for $6,000 for removing the crickets from Marvyn’s office and the gym, she assigns him a month of supervising detention, calls Principal McCarthy to recommend the same for Holly, then immediately re-blocks McCarthy’s number.
She’s perfectly aware that the girls released the crickets, but she also knows where the blame lies.
Coda II:
After their official game against Carlsbad, Coach cancels their next Thursday practice. It probably has something to with the cricket infestation that has spread from his office to the gym.
The next week, cricket extermination still ongoing, the Sirens don’t think anything of it when Thursday practice is canceled again, and they go out for gelato instead.
When Coach cancels Thursday practice the following week, they notice.
The fourth week, when Thursday afternoon practice is again canceled, they covertly tail him when he leaves campus. They end up at the outdoor court where they once learned a lesson about underestimating opponents, the same court where they created an elaborate plot with the Carlsbad team to reach exactly this outcome, where there are no more weekly scrimmages.
They find him and Holly playing HORSE. Carlsbad’s Thursday practice is evidently also canceled. And, it looks like Holly is crushing Coach at HORSE, which is not surprising.
Louise: “Oh no. They got addicted to hanging out on Thursdays.”
Samantha: “Yep. They’re clearly in love.”
Mouse: “Is that even allowed?”
Louise: “Mouse, you were the one who first noticed it.”
Destiny: “I’m still really embarrassed for them.”
Ava: “I ship it.”
The next Thursday, when Coach texts them to say that practice that afternoon is canceled, Louise responds.
Louise: “Maybe the Carlsbad team could come practice with us, Coach? We kind of miss Holly and our friends.”
***
From then on, Thursdays are joint practice days. Their coaches even participate in practice. Sort of. Mostly. They still fall into their own little world like maybe a quarter of the time. But the consensus among both teams is that that’s actually a pretty good average for Thursdays.
Holly: “Okay, we’re partnering up for this drill. Destiny, match up with Eliza. Addison, you go with Ava.”
All four girls stare at her blankly.
Destiny: “Which one is Eliza?
Number 40: “Who is Ava?”
Holly puts her head in her hands. Marvyn walks out of his office, clipboard in hand.
Marvyn: “Hey! Twenty-three!”
Louise: “Excuse me?”
Number 23: “Yes, Coach Korn?”
Holly: “Okay, team building 101, everyone is going to learn each other’s names, right now. Including you, Marvyn.”
Marvyn: “Holly, they aren’t a team. They’re two teams. You do realize that, right?”
Holly: “Of course I know that Marvyn, I just think – ”
They fall into step together, bickering, voices fading as they turn their backs on their players and walk away.
Samantha: “Mom and Dad.”
Number 15 sighs.
Number 15: “Mom and Dad.”
Louise: “At least we aren’t scrimmaging.”
Ava: “Agreed.”
Number 6: “Agreed.”
Coda III:
Ava: “Wait, weren’t we going to punish Louise’s brother for breaking up with Emma and Samantha? Or something?”
Mouse: “Revenge!”
Destiny: “Mouse.”
Mouse: “Mild revenge.”
Samantha: “Oh yeah. I totally forgot about that. But now we’re out of crickets. Guys, we can’t get more crickets. It’s too stressful.”
Destiny: “Maybe a non-insect-based plan? For once?”
Louise: “And weren’t we going to get back at Sienna and Tabitha and the rest of them for throwing us under the bus a few months ago, when we tried to fake injuries? We forgot about that, too.”
Mouse: “Revenge?”
Destiny: “I’ll allow it.”
Samantha: “I’ll text the Carlsbad girls to come help us strategize.”
Ava: “Nobody tell Mom or Dad.”
END.