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One of Fiona's earliest memories was absolutely hating her little brother, from the moment she found out he was on his way.
"Mom, can I have this?" Five-year-old Fiona held up a doll. It was from the new barbie sports collection, Katie the track runner, and something about it just looked so cool to her. Not that she could explain why. Fiona held it up to her mother, who wasn't in her spending and chatty mood today.
Monica stared blankly ahead as she pushed her cart in front of her. Fiona figured that would be it. It was one of her bad days. The doll wasn't happening.
She put it back without a word.
Around them, she saw other kids shopping with their mothers, their carts full of gifts and candy.
She felt the jealousy in her stomach, so she focused on her mother instead. "Your belly is getting rounder," she stated, and took her mother's hand. Back then, Monica still held it.
"That's because I'm pregnant, dear."
She considered this. "What does that mean?"
"There's another baby growing inside of me," her mother still wasn't looking at her. "You're getting a baby brother."
Now, this wasn't her ideal situation. She already had to fight for her parents' affection. Now there was a baby to battle for it, too.
A few months later, Phillip Gallagher was welcomed into the world, on their own living room floor. Frank and Monica were over the moon, holding him all night after labor. Fiona wondered if they had done that when she was born, too. They never looked at her like that.
Already, this baby was getting on her nerves. She couldn't even look at it.
"I have a son," was all her father could say during the hours.
Eventually, her parents went to bed and fell asleep, one from labor exhaustion, one from being drunk.
She was a little nervous, but this was her chance.
As quietly as she could, Fiona made her way to the new crib. The baby inside wasn't sleeping, instead looking up at her, big blue eyes gazing as if he was trying to figure out who she was to him.
"I'm your new sister," she tried to look angry, to assert dominance.
The baby just blinked.
"I didn't ask for a brother."
The baby raised his arms reaching for her. It was so small. Fiona thought it was weird that this thing had come out of her mother, and was now moving on its own. Soon, it would surely start to walk, talk, fight. She would have to start training.
He still had his arms up, now making a sort of wining sound, but she did not understand why or what he wanted from her. The whole thing made her uncomfortable. She went to sleep on the chair instead. The baby made some more sounds, not really crying, but definitely not happy. She thought that maybe he was scared, her being out of eye sight and her parents being upstairs. Eventually, he stopped and slept. So she just had to be silent. Fiona would ignore the baby until he went away.
It was like this for less than a month.
On one particular fall day, Frank decided that they needed to get out of the house and do something fun, just the four of them. That's what he said, at least. And so they went for a picnic in Washington Park. There was something wrong with her mother, so Frank told Fiona to wait with her brother while Frank took her mother somewhere to get "a sample" from a "dealer."
Which left Fiona alone with The Baby. The thing was useless, couldn't even support his own head. It was fine not doing anything until it started to get dark and colder, and the baby started crying.
"No, don't do that."
She'd heard the sound before, her dad usually taking care of it, but she regretted not having seen how he did that. The crying was so loud, that other people in the park were looking at them, which made her uncomfortable.
"Fine. Okay." Slowly, she picked him up. "Shhhh, don't cry," she whispered. He was moving a lot, so she adjusted her arms until he stopped trying to wring free. "Like this?"
This was how Fiona learned how to hold a baby.
His cries started fading out, and he opened his teary eyes at her once again, but this time she didn't frown back. There was something in his expression that she recognized. Even if she could not name it yet, he looked terrified to be left alone. It was how she felt, too. But she wasn't alone now.
"I'm your sister," she said again, in a different tone than the first time. "It's getting cold, right?"
She thought about it and carefully moved so that she sat on the edge of the picnic blanket, folding the other end over her legs and her brother. "That's better, huh?"
He reached up again, so she let him touch her hand, grabbing a few of her tiny fingers and squeezing. It made her laugh.
"You're not strong enough to break my hand, silly."
At the sight of her laughing, the baby smiled too.
He started crying again after a few hours, and this time, he didn't stop.
She tried rocking him in her arms, checked the diaper, which was empty, and tried talking to him, to no avail.
"Please. Please just stop. What do you need?" She pleaded desperately.
Fiona found a bottle of milk in the picnic basket they'd brought, and fed her brother. That shut him up for a bit, but she did feel his ice-cold skin.
There was no other option. She stood up with the baby, and picked up the blanket, fully wrapping it around her brother now and shielding him with her own body. She sat back down on the floor and felt the cold grass on her legs. At least she saved the baby.
Fiona realized then, at five years old, that had she not been there, her brother would have died.
She was suddenly very conscious of how breakable the baby was.
A long time had passed when a woman stopped before them. She crouched down, looking concerned. "Hello, there."
Fiona looked at her, but was too scared to talk. She held on tight to the baby, who was now sleeping in her arms. She herself had been close to sleep.
"Where are your parents?"
Fiona just shrugged.
"Who's this little baby, here?" The woman said in a baby voice and moved a little closer to them.
An alarm went off in her head, so Fiona leaned back, holding her brother to her side, out of reach from the woman.
Never before had she wished this much that her parents were here. At least they'd know what to do.
The woman sat back. "Okay, I won't come any closer. Do you know this baby?"
"Brother," she croaked out. Her voice was a little raspy from the cold and lack of food. Frank had only brought baby food, after all.
"You're a good big sister, keeping him warm like that. What's your name?"
"Fiona."
"Hi Fiona, I'm Maura.
Fiona felt her heart racing. She didn't trust the woman. Where would she have learned trust? All her instincts were shouting at her, to hold on to the baby.
Maura ended up bringing them home. There was a key in the picknick basket and Fiona lied easily about her parents being home.
It wasn't that she didn't trust Maura with the truth, but she was afraid of what would happen to her parents. She knew she wasn't the right age to be left alone in a park with a newborn baby all night. But her parents had to have a good explanation for it. Her mother was a nice person. Maybe Fiona had misheard her when she'd left, and it was her own fault.
For now, she just thanked the lady, and carried her new brother inside. She wasn't too strong so she felt lucky he was so small.
When her parents came back the next day, they didn't mention the incident. Maybe they forgot.
Fiona felt herself change, though. She cared about her brother now, felt partially responsible for him. But also saw him as a brand new friend to play with. A baby was better than a doll.
After that, when her parents ignored her, she didn't mind as much. She would just go play with her brother.
She figured out what made him stop crying, what made him laugh. A game of keek-a-boo never failed.
She started calling him 'Lip' around the house, because it was short for Phillip but didn't sound posh, like Phil.
Shortly after, Monica sat her down to tell her that she was pregnant again. This time, Fiona knew what to expect.
—
"Can I have this?"
Fiona turned around to see Lip holding up a box. It was a DIY kit for building a wooden miniature dinosaur skeleton.
"You know, most kids ask for a toy truck."
Fiona was fifteen at this point, Lip ten. Nine year old Ian was at home with the younger kids, but Kev and V had agreed to watch them for a few hours while she did groceries. She had planned to leave Lip with them, but he had insisted that she would need his help. Humoring him, she'd let him come along. Now she realized he had his own agenda.
"How much is it?"
He quickly checked the back of the box. "Four dollars. I've wanted it for so long."
Lip was already smiling up at her. Fuck. She couldn't say no now. "You know, when I was little, I wanted a doll. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. The newest barbie, Katie the track runner." It was all she'd wanted. She'd gotten a brother instead. "But there was no way Monica would give it to me. I didn't get the stuff I wanted."
Lip just blinked.
She sighed. "Promise you're gonna actually build it?"
"Promise."
"And you won't throw it away in a week?"
"The dino will be in my room for the rest of my life."
Caving, she gestures to the cart. "One of us is going to have to fish it out of Frank's pockets tonight."
He hugged her so genuinely happy it made her smile.
She made a mental note to take Ian next time, to let him pick something out too.
The kid clutched the box to his chest the moment it was paid for. He was skipping all the way home, talking about how he was going to show his dinosaur skeleton to Ian and how many times he was going to build it in record time.
Even if Fiona never got to experience the feeling of getting a gift like this, she would make damn sure she let them feel it.
—
Seventeen year old Fiona felt like she had been dragged through the mud. She'd been fired, broken up with and hit on by creepy old men in the span of a week.
When everyone was asleep, she took a moment for herself in the living room. In the dark, everything seemed worse.
It wasn't that she was unhappy. The Gallaghers had a knack for finding the happy points in life even when you didn't have much.
But it was tough having to fight every day. And she was tired.
The sound of someone coming down the stairs made her dry her tears and turn around.
"Are you okay?" Lip looked worried.
She didn't want anyone worried. "Yeah," she smiled. "I'm fine. Just a little tired."
He nodded and joined her on the couch. Fiona noticed the wrapped box he was holding.
"I uhh," Lip was saying. "I got this for your birthday, but might cheer you up now."
"You got me a gift?" Tears welled in her eyes. It had been a tough week of holding off emotions and they needed to be let out some time.
Lip smiled awkwardly and handed her the box. Fiona looked at him a moment before unwrapping it.
In her hands was Katie the track runner.
She could only stare.
"I know you're too old for dolls now, but I remember you told me Monica wouldn't give you this and-"
Very softly, Fiona spoke. "I thought they hadn't been in stock for years."
"Yeah, I checked after you first told me. But last week, I was at Jason's house for tutoring and his sister had just moved out and I saw Katie, so..." He gestured to the doll. He stole it for her.
Fiona started to cry. She hugged her brother so suddenly he gasped. But he recovered quickly and held her tight.
"Thank you," she said.
He just nodded. But she knew how much trouble he must've been through to get her this gift. "The skeleton is still in my room," Lip mumbled.
"I know."
They let go after a while, and Lip stood up again. "I'm going back to sleep, I advice you to do the same," he gave a kind smile.
She smiled back. "I will, thanks again."
When he was gone, Fiona looked at her doll again. She wouldn't play with it like she would've when she was a kid, but she would treasure it nonetheless.
It had a whole new meaning now, and she wouldn't forget it any time soon.