Archive of Our Own ^beta

Notes:

Dear Keanu;

I'm back to not knowing what to say to you. Other than the EB research thing, everytime I say "good job", you go and make me angry.

You bow down to a group of humans? You dare bow down to them, on knee and stomach? You are ONLY supposed to do that with God. That was blasphemy. And if you read these you'd know my outrage over that.

Plus it was stupid. You suck up to them when they will forget about you given half the chance, or cancel you if the tides changed, going to the next star. But you were willing to risk the love of someone whom has been supporting you for three years when there were lockdowns and you hardly had anything coming out?

And you pour salt on my wound by returning the "I love you" of a stranger?

When I wanted that for our anniversary, but knew it was impossible.

You gave it away so easily?

Like all of those breathtakings?

When you can barely "lower" yourself to give me a kudos some nights?

And if you tell me, well it was just an act, a promotion thing, what are you, a brand? That whole thing didn't even look like a brand. That was so over the top it was like the PARODY of a brand. What happened to the real you?

Are you going to be a politcian next? Is that up next? I highly suggest against it when you value your privacy so much. They do go digging.

I chose this for very specific reasons here. First of which is because I hate this couple and their glibness at the funeral of their friend. They don't care. Matt's more interested in taking Clarissa's hand, but why? I don't feel like he really even cared all that much for her after they did it. How can he when he so casually accepts her crush on the teacher? Actually sometime after the sex scene I start liking Matt less. It's not because of that scene, or any jealousy, but I won't get into it, he just doesn't seem to care that much. I like Layne better because he gives a damn.

The second reason is that I could draw you next to Ione Skye.

In Say Anything, her character treats Lloyd Dobler like shit. As he says, "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen."

That's what I feel like with you.

Although to you, you might take a pen as being important because you place storytelling up so high.

But that's another thing that bites.

That you call a bunch of fans and cosplayers imaginative and breathtaking but you don't call the woman whom has written you over 1,860,000 words, across 215 written works, and drawn 196 (now 197) artworks, each, be it words or lines, containing a letter for close to 2 years and this all done in only a little more than 3.

At least, I know something.

I'm not anxious attatchment style. If anybody had to put up with this treatment for two years they'd lose it sometimes too.

Of course, maybe that "helpful" reader was right and it never was you but some kind of prank. Or maybe someone developed a crush on me. Maybe it's someone from over at your crowdfunding site. Maybe a reader of these. Maybe one of your fans. Perhaps one of your friends.

I don't know.

I'm not theirs.

But I can't figure out WHY you'd treat me so crummily and forget about me so soon if you really are here.

Unless you are far less wise than Ted could ever be.

Or you are a massive sadist and you want to see me hurt.

Well, job well done there! I was nervous enough about the event. After it and all those kneeling/bowing pics/clips were making the rounds and the talk of your shy/embarrassed "I love you" I felt like Gelsomina after Zampano has killed the Fool...sad, pathetic crying, then the frozen blankness as she loses her spirit.

I don't even know why I did this today.

Maybe I'm just as bad as that over romanticized movie of yours. You continually burn down the whole lousy vineyard and yet that initial plant remains and I inadvertently make it flower after the destruction.

Maybe I think you're trying to drive me away and I am rebelling.

Or maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe you are a masochist and you miss these mad letters. Maybe your momma never cared enough to reprimand you, and the rest of your family/friends just play nice to get privileges, so you enjoy someone caring enough to get angry?

And, boy, am I angry!

Because you only hurt yourself.

Well, besides me.

And if I could I would sling you over my knee and spank you, Keanu Reeves.

If you are here.

I haven't a clue, well not one that might not just turn out to be coincidence.

And if you are here, I think you might be like Chad from a review I read once of In the Company of Men. How, if you look closely, you can see how he really did fall in love with Christine.

It just wasn't enough to make him care.

Some of my love forever,
Somebody's
Erin

P.S. I love you. I'm just hurt.