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Dimitri,
This is probably the most humiliating letter I’ll ever have cause to write. You will receive this on your return to Fhirdiad, and by that time, I’ll be gone. I’m not writing to excuse myself, only to explain.
I have to go. It’s for the best.
Maybe some things are better said in person. But it isn’t my nature, and asking isn’t in yours.
That sounds like a criticism. It isn’t intended as one.
I sincerely wish you health and happiness. It’s all I I remain, as ever, the shield of Faerghus.
Yours,
Felix Hugo Fraldarius
* * *
Dear Felix,
I confess myself shocked and alarmed upon receiving your letter. Dedue has advised restraint in my reply, but I cannot do it.
I returned home to your note, and your chambers emptied of all personal belongings. Am I to take it to understand you have left Fhirdiad for good? With no plans to return?
I do not understand, Felix. If I have offended you, please allow me to make it right. If I have wounded you, tell me so and I will do whatever must be done to make amends.
You said it’s for the best that you leave. I do not understand, and I hope you will forgive my forthrightness, for I scarcely know what to think. What have I done to drive you from Fhirdiad? I can only assume the fault is mine – you have never been so formal with me, nor so opaque in your intentions. You have been my closest advisor all these years since the war, and a dear friend for as long as you will allow such a title. I know we have had our quarrels, but I never meant to drive you from me so decisively.
Please, Felix, let me fix it. It grieves me deeply to think I did such unthinking wrong that you would fly from the palace without so much as a farewell. You have given me so many chances already. Let me entreat you, with deepest sincerity and regret, for one more.
Yours faithfully,
Dimitri
* * *
To the esteemed Duke Felix Fraldarius,
Your Grace, I will be brief. I write to apologise for the nature of my initial reply to your letter. I will, of course, respect your wishes. My first letter was inappropriate – I hope you will forgive me for it.
Signed,
Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd
* * *
Dimitri,
You madden me, you realise that? It’s taken me a while to write this letter, and I suppose I owe you an apology for that. I have little talent with words. My way has always been one of the blade, for good and ill.
I see that my silence could be taken as cruelty. But Dimitri, what am I supposed to do?
You know why I had to leave. We’ve never spoken of it, but I know you know.
Felix
* * *
Dedue, could you please come up to my chambers as soon as you receive this? I need your advice
D
* * *
Dear Felix,
I apologise for the delay in my reply. Having read your last, I also needed time to consider my words.
I don’t know what to say that will not drive you further from me. Please forgive me if I get it wrong.
We have never spoken of it, you are correct. But I believe… I do know what you allude to. At least, I think I do. I also acknowledge that words are not your way, though you have more talent for them than you think, and you have been most obliging in writing as much as you have.
There is nothing to be embarrassed by, though I know you do not see it that way. I would never mock you for this, Felix. The mere thought pains me more than I can say. Whatever else you may think, know your friendship is invaluable to me, and not something I would cast easily aside. Whether you wish to see me or not, your place at my side remains forever open to you.
You wrote that your way is that of the blade, for good and ill. I confess myself surprised. I have never known you to doubt yourself or your path, even in passing. I worry, Felix – are you well? Perhaps you will scoff at me for the question, and respond that I simply do not know you as well as I thought.
And perhaps… that is the wrong thing to say. Despite my reflections, I am still floundering. You certainly know me, for I know not how to ask what I wish to ask of you. I cannot ask about what I think you are implying, and what I myself have alluded to above. After all, I am by no means certain I am right, nor inclined to pry into matters where I am unwelcome. It is not my nature, any more than speaking effusively of what you feel is yours.
But I will ask you to have mercy on me, Felix. Please.
Yours,
Dimitri
* * *
Dear Felix,
You do not have to reply to my last letter if you do not wish to.
Dimitri
* * *
Dimitri,
Don’t do this to me
* * *
Dimitri,
I don’t mean to hurt you. I hate that I
* * *
Dimitri,
You make me so weak
* * *
Dimitri,
Don’t be cruel. You know I can’t refuse you when you
* * *
Dimitri,
You asked for mercy. Now I ask you for the same.
I’m not leaving to hurt you. I don’t want that. Let that be enough.
Felix
* * *
Dimitri,
I write again because my last letter sounded like it came in anger. It didn’t.
I hate the thought of you sitting around with a hangdog look on your face. Don’t spare the matter another thought, all right? I don’t need your guilt or your pity.
You’re not completely dense – have a little faith that your assumptions are correct.
There’s nothing more that needs saying. You haven’t wronged me. I just Give me time.
Felix.
* * *
Dear Felix,
I do not know what else to do than be completely candid. Or, at least, as candid as both propriety and my own character will allow. Dedue has again advised me to leave well enough alone, but at the prospect of losing one of my closest companions in life, I do not know what else to do but push you. After all, you have already left Fhirdiad to escape me. How much further can you go?
We are speaking of your… interest in me, correct? If I am wrong, I will be mortified, but that is the impression I have received. I do not know how else to say it, nor how to ask what I truly mean in a manner acceptable to us both. I simply observe that… I have noticed that you look at me sometimes. As an explanation and acknowledgment of what I assume is at the heart of our abrupt parting, that will have to suffice.
I never meant to wound you by my failure to acknowledge it. It is just that you never spoke of it with me, so I thought it a matter best left alone. If I am honest, I believed you even resented it. While our relationship has, I flatter myself, significantly improved since our school days, I did not think you relished the thought of being further bound to me. You have often lamented the fate of Fraldarius to Blaiddyd, and I… Well. I thought you were angry, Felix. That fancy would take you in my direction, as it were. And since you never spoke, I did not either. You are the bravest man I know – I thought that if you wished me to know something, you would tell me so yourself.
I don’t know what to do, Felix. I have always counted on you to be braver.
Yours,
Dimitri
* * *
Dimitri,
I suppose I deserved that.
It’s three in the morning and I’ve drunk too much and I still can’t sleep. I keep thinking of your letter and the stupid foolish hope it’s given me.
I’m not angry at you. I haven’t been angry at you for
“Fancy” doesn’t begin to cover the extent of my feelings. How could you I thought you knew that. I thought you knew how much I love you. It’s been killing me, Dimitri, it’s killing me. I’m not a romantic man and never have been, but you make me
I couldn’t take it anymore. I just kept thinking about
Perhaps I am a coward, perhaps a fool. Perhaps both.
I had to leave. I didn’t think you’d ever Tell me I’m not a complete fool.
Felix
* * *
To the Royal Mail Service of United Fódlan,
I sent a letter to His Majesty the King in the early hours of the morning that must be recalled immediately. It bears my name and seal.
Regards,
Duke Felix Hugo Fraldarius
* * *
To His Grace the Duke Fraldarius,
Please accept our apologies for the delay in reply. Unfortunately, mail is unable to be recalled once it has been sent via carrier pigeon. We sincerely apologise for the inconvenience.
Your sincerely,
Celia Bartelet, Royal Mail Service of Fódlan, Manager of the Fraldarius Branch
* * *
Dear Felix,
I scarcely know what to write, only that I must.
Will you come back to Fhirdiad so we can speak? I do not know what to say, only that I am surprised beyond measure. I had no idea, Felix. I never dreamed your affection for me would run so deep.
Felix, I adore you. You must know that I adore you. But to tell the truth of it, I do not know if
I cannot accept that
I don’t know how to I don’t know if I’m capable of
Forgive the mess of this missive. I fear leading you along as much as I fear you separating yourself from me for good. Being so far from you in this moment is agony. You have always been my voice of reason, and I find myself lost without you. Right now, it feels a cruel irony.
I am not making sense even to myself. And… forgive me, but I am compelled into honesty. I can say neither yes nor no to your declaration. I don’t know what I I need time to think. Know that the thought of wounding you injures me too, but I… I do not know what to do, Felix. This has taken me entirely by surprise.
And there I go repeating myself. I do not know how to I do not know what to write to you. But I care for you deeply, far more deeply than words can say. I can offer no more or less than that.
Please consent to speak with me, Felix. For both our sakes.
Yours,
Dimitri
* * *
Dimitri,
If you really didn’t know, that was a poor way to tell you. I should never have sent that letter. Forget it – I was drunk.
Felix
* * *
Felix, please just come back to Fhirdiad. I would ride to you in an instant if my duties allowed it. We need to speak. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do to make it right.
I miss you terribly. I know that is not the answer you seek, but is the best I can give at present.
* * *
To my dearest Felix,
It’s been such a long time! A few months at least. How are you?
I’ll be in Fraldarius in a week on church business, and I know it’s a terrible cheek to ask, but I’d love to stay with you if you have a room spare. I’m so looking forward to seeing you, even if it’s only for a cup of tea. I want to hear all your news!
Love, as always,
Mercedes xoxo
* * *
Dimitri,
I can’t return yet. I’m sorry. You know how rarely I apologise for anything – let that speak for itself.
Mercedes has been in my ear. I’d accuse you of putting her onto me, but I think the woman’s just psychic. She’s also coached me in how to address you properly, so don’t be alarmed by the formality of this letter.
There are a few things I have to say to you.
First, I was a complete fool for sending that letter to you. Mercedes told me you were beside yourself with anxiety, which is what’s prompted me to write again at all. I… don’t like it when you’re upset. There.
Second, let me speak to you this way. It’s easier to write my thoughts with delicacy rather than speak them. I’m reliably told my manner is brusque, which is ill-suited to the spirit in which I write today. You asked me why I now view the warrior’s path with a critical eye – let this be your answer. There are certain matters to which my temperament is ill-equipped, and this is one.
Third, I promise to be honest with you. My late father always warned me of the folly of my pride, and it seems the old goat was right. If you can bring yourself to ask a question of me, I promise you that I’ll answer. Even if I hate the question. But it’s in light of this promise I address you now.
I shouldn’t have left you like I did. I certainly shouldn’t have sent that letter. That’s no way to declare oneself to a king. Or… to you. I concede that I owe you better.
That still leaves the matter of ‘talking’, but I stand by the statement that there’s nothing to talk about. I’ve already declared myself, however badly done. Perhaps I’m too forward, but now I’ve been exposed through my own wretched foolishness I see little purpose in obfuscating my wishes any longer. And since you haven’t said an outright no, as you have to all other suitors… I’ll let myself hold onto hope. But I’m not romantic. I can only state fact.
I love you. I want you to be my husband. But, before you work yourself up – you don’t have to decide now. You told me my intentions were opaque, so I state them openly but without expectation. I know you don’t love me now. But given your reply, I’m led to believe it may not be an impossibility in the future.
Mercedes tells me it’s little wonder you’re confused. Again, I have to concede the point, and offer some explanation. I’ve loved you a long time, as badly as I’ve expressed it, and became so overwhelmed by the feeling that I left. I knew you didn’t return my affections, and I couldn’t endure the humiliation of asking for a chance anyway. I was proud and I was foolish, and I hope you know how much it costs me to make such an admission, but it is the truth. Not one I intend to repeat, so mark it well. But I understand your surprise. I’ve paid no suit and made no move towards courtship, so I acknowledge how the strength of my feelings could come as a shock to you. This letter is probably equally direct, but I hope… well. I hope.
I’m willing to wait. For you. You don’t need to decide now, or torment yourself over the nature of your own feelings, maddening creature that you are. But in the meantime, while you decide, I’d like permission to court you properly.
Yours faithfully,
Felix Hugo Fraldarius
* * *
Dear Felix,
I apologise for my brevity. I am, as you likely anticipated, overwhelmed, though perhaps I shouldn’t be. You are a man ever full of surprises, and never lacking an admirable directness when the mood strikes you.
I cannot accept your hand in marriage. You already know that, but my own feelings compel me to repeat it for fear of misunderstanding. And yet, as you yourself observed, I am not… opposed. To your affections, or the declarations you made me in your letter. On this score, I can only have faith that you are sincere in your assurance of patience, and honest when you tell me you hold no expectation. It pains me deeply to think of the wound my indecision must deal you, though you yourself have offered no reproach for it.
I do not know if I love you. This, too, you know, but it still pains me. You must know how much I admire you, and how deep my affection for you runs. But if you are truly sincere in your willingness to overlook it, then… I will accept your offer of courtship. Gladly.
Yours,
Dimitri
* * *
Dimitri,
I hear through Fhirdiad’s far-reaching grapevine that, despite your last letter, you’re in a state again. I wish you wouldn’t worry so much – but as I write this, know I don’t mean to scold you for it either.
I was sincere. I expect nothing from you. You don’t need to worry yourself over it, though I know you will. Have faith in me, even if you can’t have it in yourself.
I said I intended to court you properly. And as you’ve consented, I intend to make good on it. Enclosed is the traditional first gift of flowers. These are flowers pressed from the manor’s gardens, rather than delivered fresh, as is the usual way. We used to play in the same gardens whenever you would visit here as a child.
Putting formalities aside, I promised I would be honest with you. Dimitri… I miss you.
Yours faithfully,
Felix
* * *
Dimitri,
As promised, I present to you the second gift in accordance with tradition. A silk handkerchief embroidered with my initials, that you may carry with you.
I thought new socks would be more sensible, given how quickly you seem to put holes in them. But I suppose practicality isn’t the point of these things.
I am not
I think
I want to make you happy.
Yours faithfully,
Felix
* * *
Dimitri,
I give you the third gift of courtship. Presented in the tradition of the Fraldarius house, an item of clothing for you to wear.
For you, I chose riding gloves. They’re made of finest materials and embroidered with the Blaiddyd crest as a sign of my respect for you and your house.
According to tradition, the fourth gift should be presented in person. May I visit you next month?
Yours faithfully,
Felix
P.S. I feel a complete fool for my formality. But I want you to know I’m serious.
* * *
Dear Felix,
You are no fool. I received your gifts with genuine delight. Surprising myself most of all, I think, for you of all people know how dour I can be.
I… am happy, Felix. I find myself lacking the words, but I am. Your letters fill me with joy. Your sincerity too.
I confess I doubted you. Not because I believed you a liar, but because I could not imagine your feelings for me could be sincere. King I may be, but I am not accustomed to inspiring affection. I hope you will not take that as an insult to you – you are, as ever, an honourable and honest man. I am a poor subject at receiving such gestures, with little enough to say for myself, but I want you to know they delight me. Thank you.
I would dearly like to see you. Please visit.
Yours,
Dimitri
* * *
Dimitri,
Here I am, writing to you already, though I stayed in Fhirdiad far longer than I intended.
I don’t want to overwhelm you. But I meant what I said. I don’t know what else to do to persuade you of the sincerity of my love for you. I’ll never understand why you doubt yourself so much. All I can do is write the words again, and hope you remember them.
Maddening creature, do you even know what you do to me?
Yours faithfully,
Felix
* * *
Dearest Felix,
You are too good to me, and far more patient than I deserve. I have received your latest gift to me. She is an extraordinary mare. Already I adore her. I have spent most of the day out riding, when I should have been attending to my duties. I am sure I have never seen a finer horse.
But I confess, it is not her who has swayed me. Your gifts I receive with gratitude, do not mistake me, but… I keep thinking of you. Just of you.
Already, I miss you with a deep pain. My thoughts dwell often on your hand in mine. In fact, I can think of little else.
Felix, I think I have been a fool. I hope you will not hold it against me.
Please come back.
With all my heart,
Dimitri
* * *
Dimitri,
It’s been some time since I’ve written you a letter. Neither of us have needed to, after all. But I write to you now to say what I could not say to you last night, even with my ring upon your finger. Words continue to fail me, but you’ve always been patient with my clumsiness.
You have made me the happiest man in the world. A banal statement, one I used to roll my eyes at. Until you. For you, I mean every word.
Yours, ever faithfully,
Felix