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On lap three hundred ninety-five around the outside wall of the village of Suna, Lee thinks, in an absent, automatic way, I miss Gaara.
On the start of lap three hundred ninety-six he realizes what thought just crossed his mind and almost (but doesn’t!) suffer a stumble. It’s a bit silly to miss someone he just saw only a handful of hours ago, probably. But it’s a feeling that persists, in his chest and in the stinging palm of his hands where he feels his heart beat hard, regardless.
Hands that had briefly touched tensed shoulders this morning, in an attempt at a jovial slap of camaraderie and cheer, but instead had felt the toned muscles there beneath his fingertips, muscles he did not have the chance to appreciate the night before despite cohabiting in the same household (the very memory of Temari’s hardened eyes when she emphasized being subtle kept Lee’s door shut tight and him behind it), muscles he knew from experience would tense and contract during an open mouthed kiss, that would flex to make themselves known when rolling Lee over-
Laps three hundred ninety-seven to four hundred twenty-nine pass in a daze of relived memories and rote counting, broken only by a twinge in Lee’s elbow, above the cast. He blinks a couple extra times to find himself sprinting through a deep divot in the sand left behind by his previous laps. Which he was running, extremely fast, to the point of pumping his arms recklessly enough to bang the cast around a bit. Whoops! He slows a bit and takes a breath to calm himself before someone finds out and yells at him about overdoing it again.
Proximity made their relationship so much better, more comforting and glorious, while also challenging. They had a guise to maintain, of being mere friends and absolutely nothing more, to avoid shaking the world with the repercussions of the elusive leader of Suna taking a ninja from Leaf as his own.
And of Lee, mere Jounin from Konoha, having someone as powerful and brave and wonderful as Gaara as his own, his very own, belonging to each other-
He comes out of another whirlwind spring and back to himself on lap four hundred fifty-one with a sigh. If this keeps up, he’ll have to do three hundred one armed push-ups as punishment for not pacing himself!
It had felt, there was no other word for it, simply strange to wake up in the same household as Gaara, to stand quietly in the kitchen together while sipping water before Lee scrounged together a breakfast for them to share. Gaara’s tired yet piercing eyes meeting his, the smallest of smiles in thanks. A muttering grumble after explaining the list of duties waiting for the Kazekage to complete as quickly as possible, the call of bureaucracy. That encouraging slap to the shoulder that Lee realized he could turn into something more, because they were both right there, under the same roof, together, for days and days and days.
Except Gaara is forever busy, and Lee will receive a new mission assignment any day now and is close enough to fully healed for rigorous training again (while still being careful, he swears!). Sudden proximity itself does not create an opportunity to take advantage of it.
As lap four hundred seventy-four ends and the next begins, Lee shakes his head, letting the negative thoughts trying to plague him roll off and fall into the sand. Everything is great with Gaara, and truly he is lucky beyond all reason! They are both safe, they are together (together!!!). Gaara had given up so much for Lee, to prevent them from being separated, and it fills and overflows Lee’s heart with fondness and love. He, a proud Jounin of Konoha and pupil of the magnificent Might Guy, has no business living a life this fortuitous and letting a bit of longing get him down!
The second to last lap around Suna brings back a memory from earlier in the morning, of Gaara speaking so quietly, so hard to hear and difficult to remember, especially past the pounding of his own heart in the quiet of their now-shared kitchen. “I must leave quickly,” the Kazekage had said. His tone, low and serious as usual, had a slight tightness to it. Outside of the immediate moment of their first separation after moving in together, without the bias of his own feelings in the moment clouding his vision, Lee understands that change in the other man’s voice might have, could have, maybe was something bitter. Something like disappointment. “There are many things that must be finished this morning. I do not anticipate a moment to myself until the afternoon, at this rate.”
Then, a lightning quick glance in Lee’s direction, and away again with a forced farewell. Regret and longing, hidden in the very edges of Gaara’s eyes.
“HE MISSES ME TOO!!!” Lee exclaims on the final curve of lap five hundred when he realizes the mirroring of his feelings in his lover. The vault into the air, followed by a round of passionate spinning kicks until he lands back on the sand, are impossible to stop in his excitement at the revelation. Until he remembers the presence of guards posted around the village walls. Temari’s hard glare. A threat to be subtle, or else.
Lee clears his throat and finishes out the last few steps of his warmup run as casual as can be. No over-obvious love feelings here! Nope, none at all!
And the solution for their living-together-but-still-not-having-a-lot-of-time-for-each-other situation, at least for today, is obvious: make Gaara an invigorating lunch to eat with Lee after the morning push of work, to power him through the rest of the day!
Lee notes the placement of the blazing sun in the sky for the time. Perfect. He can finish katas and weights easily, go home (the home he shares with Gaara!) to slap together a stack of sandwiches, and then surprise Gaara. A good type of surprise. A happy, we-have-each-other surprise!
Extra vigor in his step, Lee takes off.
-
Quietly, from within his office, Gaara’s voice says, “Come in,” and Lee knows something is wrong.
He enters, with some hesitation, and the slight twinge of worry twists just a bit harder when he opens the door. On the surface, Gaara seems the same with his set, hypothetically non-emotive face. But Lee knows. Knows without understanding why, but the knowledge is there nonetheless, after over a year of trailing after the Kazekage and somehow being gifted with the man’s friendship and trust.
Something is bothering Gaara.
What Lee is used to, though, is still approaching his friend, even in the worst of his moods (or in some cases, because of them), and that isn’t going to change any time soon. He steps forward.
That knowing from deep in his gut grows, increases again when Lee’s shoes carry him closer to Gaara. Gaara, who doesn’t do anything as obvious as flinch or scowl to give away his feelings, doesn’t let even a single bit of his chakra leak out in a show of malcontent, doesn’t send the gourd of sand against the wall bursting around him, but must be reacting in some other minute way that leads Lee to a strange conclusion as he approaches the wide desk the Kazekage is perched behind.
Whatever is wrong has something to do with him.
For a millisecond, Lee ruminates on the realization that he knows Gaara so well now to recognize such a minuscule change in his character, and is sure that that familiarity is returned. Then he gives himself a mental slap to get it together. There’s nothing for it. Forward is the only option! No matter the problem, he will stand beside his dearest person, and face any trials together hand in hand!
…is what Lee tells himself in the privacy of his own brain. But in practical terms, is a bit difficult to execute.
Surely he said something when he first arrived, after realizing Gaara was put out somehow, something along the lines of, “Good afternoon, Gaara!” or, “I brought you lunch, if you’re hungry!” Hopefully nothing as foolish as, “We’ve been separated for mere hours and I missed you terribly and even when you are here, right next to me, I still miss you in some aching, persistent way.” That would be awfully embarrassing.
Lee has no idea what he said. Is saying, actively, right now, even; he can feel his mouth moving against his will in a running chatter as cover while his eyes continue searching Gaara for clues as to what is happening between them.
At this moment, his entire existence is hyper aware of Gaara’s mood, which isn’t explosive or out of control or bloodthirsty or any other negative emotion he’s ever shown before. More of a low smolder, the heat of moving lava under deceptively still rock. It’s unusual enough to capture Lee’s attention in full, and make him wonder what happened after Gaara left the house. He takes a bite of the food in his hands, which he doesn’t remember preparing after the shock of entering the office (oh, a sandwich, he realizes; makes sense to prepare something easy like that, considering the cast is still on the one arm that is technically broken, even if just barely).
Lee comes out of his own head and wonderings enough to realize he’s been talking about his day on autopilot, and swallows the thick bite of sandwich in his mouth. “Enough about me!” he exclaims. “How has your morning been, Gaara?”
Lee’s gut swoops as another wave of that strange emotion comes off of the Kazekage. A quiet nod, as he finishes the bite of sandwich in his mouth, and then Gaara says with weight, “I overheard a couple of Jounin talking about us.”
Ah. The general mood in the air was starting to make sense, and Lee has a couple of guesses about what, exactly, Gaara was accidentally privy to, but prompts him on only with, “Oh?”
Gaara tilts his head. “They mentioned you, wondering if you were somehow qualified to be with me.” Gaara’s face darkens at the memory and his own feelings at the time, but the gourd of sand remains still. “As if you are inadequate in some way.”
Lee’s heart swoons a bit at the affection underneath the frustration, Gaara unable to see what could be so lacking in Lee and infuriated at the insult. But now that he’s started, Gaara isn’t ready to stop talking it seems, as the redhead continues the report of his day in a quiet voice.
“And then one of them laughed, and called you my-”
Lee’s breath catches a bit, and he covers the slip by taking another bite of sandwich. He’s told Gaara many times that he loves the other man, holds him close in his heart as his dearest friend and most important person, but they have yet to define their relationship with any strict labels. Gaara still calls him a “friend” quite often, which doesn’t bother Lee, even if Lee is more prone to letting his heart beat out the words “boyfriend” and “lover” in the privacy of his thoughts more often than not. But he’s never brought it up. What they have is enough, is everything Lee could ever hope to have, glorious and amazing and important enough that labels don’t matter-
“-my boy toy.”
Lee’s jaw falls open in shock, and the bite of food falls out of his mouth to land wetly in his lap. Some startled animal sound is escaping his throat without permission, and his face burns with a blush so harsh it is almost painful.
“Lee, that’s gross,” Gaara chastises.
“S-sorry,” Lee gasps out when his esophagus finishes its tantrum in his throat and starts working again. His hands shake as he cleans up his mess. “They- that’s- I mean-”
Gaara’s eyes drill into his before dropping abruptly to his untouched sandwich. “Don’t worry. Kankuro was there. He explained.” Lee flinches in pained sympathy; Kankuro has seen and heard enough about his brother’s relationship for a lifetime at this point. “What they said was inaccurate, and it was corrected.”
Can’t imagine that went well for those Jounin, Lee muses with a gulp of pain. The downward turn of Gaara’s mouth promises they did not get off easy at all.
“But then the other one, before that, had said 'boyfriends'.”
Lee splutters on nothing this time, as his mouth is empty, sandwich forgotten as he fights for his life to survive the conversation. It’s less about the shock from the words coming out of Gaara’s mouth without warning, and more a reaction to a sudden realization making him choke on empty air. Ah, so this was what the weird tension from Gaara was about! Worry and nerves had colored the Kazekage’s demeanor, apparently wondering about the appearance of their relationship to others.
A couple thumps to the chest to get his lungs working again, and Lee can finally force out, “It’s nothing to worry about, Gaara. It was always a possibility that others had noticed. We’ll just continue being careful and it’ll be fine.”
That silent, brewing not right feeling doesn’t go away with any of Lee’s assurances though. Instead, Gaara’s face seems to harden over, retreating back into his shell.
So others knowing wasn’t the problem, then, Lee muses to himself. Or at least not the most important concern at the moment; the hardened stares of Tsunade and Temari demanding they hide away in secrecy were, personally, always on his mind.
“Gaara?”
They sit there, on either side of the Kazekage’s desk, lunch completely forgotten between them as Gaara’s quiet struggle fills the room instead, while Lee waits. Waits some more. He would gladly put his patience to the test for the rest of the day, even longer, for the simple reward of knowing that Gaara is trying his damndest to put his thoughts in order and let Lee in, one tiny fraction of an admittance at a time.
Finally, those beautiful green eyes become clear, and look into Lee’s own. “I was not sure…if you wanted those labels. Needed them. Even though we are being subtle, so such things would not be shared with others, and would just be between us.”
Now Lee is breathless in a completely different way than before. Rare hesitation colors Gaara’s words, the true struggle laid bare and vulnerable on the surface between them. Lee is reminded of previous confessions, Gaara so sure he would never have a chance to feel any of the emotions he has come to know with Lee, steadfast he’d face the rest of his lifetime utterly alone and never knowing anything related to love, and suddenly finding himself in a relationship he is unsure how to navigate for himself, let alone while attempting to understand the wants and desires of another person. How they work with his own.
But Lee sees the small, hypothetically insignificant confession as what it is: an attempt to give Lee something real in their relationship. The implication that Gaara still finds himself unable to provide for Lee, and wondering if this can give his partner happiness.
Lee finds himself tearing up a bit at Gaara’s bravery. Every day the Kazekage grows, tries hard to improve himself and help others the best that he can! The magnificence of his affection has Lee fighting the urge to leap into the air again.
But an answer to his courageous offer is required. Lee clears his throat, blinks back the beginnings of water works, and stops to consider an honest answer. It comes to him easily.
“I’ll always consider you a close friend! You are my special person, Gaara. The one that I love.” Even if he’s said it before, the confession still brings heat to Lee’s face, to lay his heart bare so explicitly. He clenches his fists and fights on. “But I don’t need a special name for it! What’s important is us!” Lee gives a sparkling smile and a thumbs up, then unclenches one of his hands and lays it flat on the table between them. An offering, of himself. Whether Gaara takes it or not, the important thing is offering, the give and take of vulnerability.
Gaara stares hard, and Lee realizes the hand between them is cast bound, a reminder of things nearly lost… but also of partnership. Of the way they looked out for each other, on the field of battle, and here, where the most perilous danger is themselves.
His voice is small, but even, when Gaara quietly answers, “You are what I need. And you… are Lee. That is what matters to me, most of all.”
Lee’s grin hurts, it’s so wide, splitting his face apart in joy. “Then just Lee is what I’ll be!” There’s no ‘or else’ punishment to this commitment, only a warm promise to continue on as long as he lives. The unconscious flicker of a smile he gets in return makes every choking fit from the last ten minutes worth it.
Clearing his throat, Lee gestures widely at the tower of bread and toppings between them. “You still need to eat, Gaara! You can’t work all day on an empty stomach!” He takes a bite of his own mystery sandwich to emphasize the point.
“You make such odd combination choices, though.” Gaara mutters, but regardless takes another bite when Lee starts a rant about taking better care of himself.
They return to their sandwiches for the brief moment they have left before duty pulls them away again, the air in the room lighter as they enjoy the warmth of a loved one’s presence.