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"God, Donna," Sam marveled as he watched his wife slide her silky nightgown over her little baby bump. "Have I told you lately how beautiful you are? Pregnancy really agrees with you."
Donna turned to view her profile in the full-length mirror and caressed her smallish pregnant belly. She was four months along.
"Do you think so?"
"Yes," Sam answered, blinking in mild surprise as he climbed off the bed to join his wife on the other side of the room. He knelt and kissed her belly, pride and love overwhelming him.
"Are you worried about your appointment tomorrow?" He asked, getting to his feet.
"Not at all. I feel fine. I've been doing what all of the books say. I have two," she ruffled her husband's sandy blonde hair with a smile, "of the best doctors looking after me. I have absolutely nothing to worry about." She kissed his nose and got into bed as he took his shirt off before getting into bed next to her.
"Besides," she went on, "it's just a checkup. There's no cause for concern."
Sam laid down and held out his arm for her to snuggle under. Despite being a doctor and knowing that his wife and baby were in perfect health, he still worried. He guessed it was the early stages of fatherhood.
"Let's get some sleep. Lights off."
As if by magic the lights went off and the Beckett's began to drift off.
Pain. There was a sharp, intense pain that jolted her out of a very deep and peaceful sleep. Something was wrong.
“Sam!” Donna reached over and began to shake him awake. He sat up instantly, turned on the bedside lamp, and then turned his full attention onto his wife.
“What is it?”
“We need to go to the hospital.”
"Dr. Beckett, I'm sorry," Dr. Michaels said gently. "You know from your practice that sometimes these things just happen. There's no rhyme or reason." He patted Sam's shoulder sympathetically.
A tear slid down Sam's cheek. "Does...does Donna know?"
The doctor hesitated briefly before responding. "No. I thought it might be better coming from her husband."
Sam sniffled, wiped his tears and nodded. "Thank you, doctor."
Dr. Michaels turned to go, and Sam inhaled deeply before opening the door to Donna's room and walking in.
"Hi, Sam," Donna said. She sounded and even looked a little tired. Sam figured it was from the battery of tests the doctors had run on her. She still looked beautiful.
"Hi, Donna," he said softly as he grabbed a chair next to the bed, turned it so that the back was between him and Donna's bed and sat down. He noticed that his wife was watching him very carefully. He took her hand in his and said nothing for a few moments, trying to think of how to break the news to her.
"Sam, you've been crying."
"Donna, we need to talk."
A few days later, after Sam had brought Donna home, he found himself walking aimlessly around the campus that housed all that once was once Project Quantum Leap.
Ziggy's memory banks had been taken offline; she had been shut down. It never ceased to amaze Sam how dim and depressing the control room looked without Ziggy's colorful circuit board lighting it up. The only light that flooded the control room now came from an adjoining room that had a window that let the floodlights from outside in.
Sam was always happy to be home. Eternally grateful. Sometimes, though, he missed Leaping. He caught himself often idly entertaining the idea of turning the accelerator....
"You okay, kid?"
A familiar voice snapped Sam out of his thoughts. He looked up to see Al looking back at him, concerned.
"She-she's resting," Sam said distractedly.
"I know, I just came from your house. She said I might find you here."
Sam nodded.
"But how are you, kid?"
"It doesn't make any sense."
"It just wasn't meant to be."
"I can't accept that; Al. Donna was healthy. We both made sure that she took excellent care of herself from the moment we found out."
"Sometimes these things just happen. You two can try again when you're ready."
Sam nodded and choked back tears. He had finally stopped pacing as Al had moved in front of him and pulled him in for a hug.
"She really wanted that baby. We both did."
"I know. I haven't forgotten how excited you were when you found out four months ago."
"You know," Sam began as he pulled away, "We can try again, but there will never be another first baby. We will always wonder what could have been. She wanted the one she was pregnant with."
Al simply nodded but couldn't help questioning the younger man's sanity in that moment. It had to be the grief talking. He had also noticed the look in his eyes. There was an idea forming behind them. A plan.
After a moment, Al asked, his voice soft. “Sam? What are you thinking?”
Sam smiled brightly. “I think you know.”
“C’mon,” Al shook his head. “Sam, no. We were damn lucky to get you back. There’s no way to know if we will be able to do it again. Not only that, but this was nature. You can’t control nature. One of your chief no-no’s is fixing your own life, or have you forgotten?”
Sam simply stared back at Al, but not really seeing him. He had let his mind begin to drift-calculating new variables-math that he had not taken into accountability the first time. Updating Ziggy….
Al knew Sam all too well and he knew what was going inside him. Always thinking with his heart and not his brain when he should have been.
“Sam, what if we can’t get you back again?” Al went on. “It was pure luck.” Once he realized that he wasn’t getting through, he began to snap his fingers in front of Sam’s face. “Do you hear me? What if we don’t get you back, Sam?”
Sam shook his head, coming to himself. His eyes focused on the man in front of him. Al was relieved to have finally gotten through.
“And, I might add, Leaping simply doesn’t work that way, kid. You know as well as I do that you can’t just Leap into a moment in time then Leap back.”
Sam seemed to study Al carefully, considering his words. Deep down he knew Al was right.
“Besides,” Al continued, “You’re essentially wanting to go back just to get laid.” He smirked as a bemused smile crossed his face. “You can do that anytime. You’re a brilliant scientist, Sam. If you’re going to Leap again, I’d hope you’d find a better reason than sex.”
Sam forced a smile. “It’s funny what grief will make the mind do.”
“Donna?” Sam entered his house and closed the door behind him. As he walked father in, he found his wife curled up on the couch hugging her legs to her chest. She smiled when he sat down in front of her and placed his hands over hers.
“Hi.”
“Hello,” he said as he kissed her forehead.
“Sam, I want to talk to you,” her voice was soft. “I want to apologize. I don’t know what else to do but apologize.”
“Apologize? For what?” He was surprised.
“I let you down. I let us down.”
Hearing this broke his heart. How could Donna even entertain the notion? Not once did he ever blame her.
“What? Donna, no.” He coaxed her to unfold herself and situated her so that she now sat on his lap. He held her tightly as he tilted her head to lie on his shoulder so he could stroke her hair as he spoke. “I love you. I don’t blame you. It’s something that just happened. You didn’t let anyone down.”
“No? I mean, I can’t help thinking that. It’s my body…”
“No. God, no. Please don’t think that you let us down. Nature did.” He swallowed hard, choking back tears. It was all too much; the loss, (which was still a very new wound that would take time to heal), his grief, Donna’s grief and the things that were coupled along with that grief. Sam had to be strong, and he knew it.
“It just wasn’t meant to be, babe.” He whispered as he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her deeply. Lovingly.
“Is it always going to hurt like this?” Donna asked as she pulled away. Her face was wet. Sam wiped her tears away with his thumbs.
“No. Not as long as we hang onto each other.”