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Peter is nervous. He’s been to a few high society events and parties with Mr. Stark before, but not to any galas. And certainly not to any galas in the most dangerous city on earth, hosted by the richest family in the country. Mr. Stark likes to say he is richer than Brucie, and it’s true, but only because Brucie gave most of his wealth to his many kids. Combined, the Wayne family is considerably richer than Mr. Stark.
As he steps into the ornate ballroom, practically glued to Mr. Stark’s side, he can’t help the small gasp that escapes his lips.
He’s gotten used to seeing wealth, Mr. Stark loves flaunting his. But this isn’t like Mr. Stark’s wealth, shiny cars, marble floors, and sleek rooms with massive glass windows.
This is old money wealth. The wood panelling on the walls is intricately carved, and plated with precious metals. A massive golden chandelier, covered in sparkling crystals hangs from the ceiling. Small tables dot the walls of the room and hold expensive-looking pieces of art. A vase here, a bust of a head there, and other items, many plated with, or containing precious metals and gems. Artwork hangs on the walls. Some paintings look like they might have been made by famous painters, and some were probably commissioned, they depict the Wayne family, past and present.
After following Mr. Stark around like a lost puppy for about forty-five minutes, Peter is approached by a young man with blue eyes, black hair, and a smile a little bit too wide. How does that guy's face not hurt?
“Hi!! I haven’t seen you around before! I’m Dick! What’s your name?” Dick, what kind of name is that? He speaks with so much energy that Peter can’t help but wonder how much caffeine this guy has consumed.
“Uhh hi, I’m Peter.”
“Peter! It’s nice to meet you! You came in with uncle Tony right?”
“Uhh.”
Dick’s smile widens and he starts jumping up and down in place. “That must mean you are my cousin!! Come on, you have to meet the rest of your cousins!”
Dick grabs Peter’s hand and starts dragging him away.
Peter looks back at Mr. Stark, who is engrossed in conversation with a person whose suit looks more expensive than the rent for Aunt May’s apartment, with a fake smile on his face. Peter wishes that Mr. Stark would look at him, see his plight and save him from this hyperactive person, but it doesn’t happen.
Dick drags Peter away from the main gala area, down a hall, and towards a door. Peter knows he should probably not go with Dick. He has been told by Aunt May, crime documentaries, and even Mr Stark never to go to a secondary location with a stranger. But he’s Spider-Man, he can protect himself.
And he’s curious.
Dick opens the door, and Peter is met with the sight of some people he assumes are Bruce Wayne's kids. They look like the people in Wayne Family photos and paintings. They are all in formal clothes, in various odd positions on comfortable-looking sofas, chairs, and the carpeted floor, in what looks like a library.
Peter doesn’t dare step into the room.
They are all holding knives. Many different knives. Some relatively plain, Some very ornate. They are different sizes, the largest could probably be considered a sword rather than a knife, and the smallest are glued to the fingernails of a blond girl.
Some of the people are just casually juggling the knives, while others look as if they are about to stab their siblings. A girl with short black hair is using a knife to pick her nails, and a young lady in a wheelchair is taping knives to the wheels of her chair.
Peter can smell blood, but can’t see any obvious wounds. There are knives scattered around the floor, on top of an in-progress game of Monopoly, and there are five knives duct taped to a jar with a starfish in it.
"Why is Jarro in the jar?" Dick asks.
"They cheated during our game and got caught. A time-out was agreed upon as an appropriate punishment." The one petting a cat like a super villain would says.
“Uhh, what’s going on here?” Peter asks hesitantly, as he ducks out of the path of a flying knife.
“You’ve never played knife Monopoly?”
Peter shakes his head. “What is knife Monopoly?”
Ignoring his question, a guy with a white stripe in his hair asks Dick. "Did Bruce kidnap another kid?"
"If he has it means he broke the theme." A teenager says, without looking up from the laptop he is typing on, completely ignoring the two knives against his throat, and the knives stabbed into the carpet between his toes. "He has brown hair and green eyes, Bruce adopts black-haired, blue-eyed kids.”
“Uhhh.” A teenager with chocolate skin and brown eyes says while looking at his reflection in a knife.
"Bruce didn't grab him, this is Peter, he is Uncle Tony's kid!" Dick says, pushing Peter towards his brothers.
“Ok, hi cuz.” The guy waves lazily from where he is sitting, still engrossed in his laptop. The speed of typing does not change at all as he lifts his hand.
The rest of the kids also greet him and introduce themselves. Peter barely manages to remember to introduce himself, confused by his sudden cousin status. “Uhh, why are you all here, and not at the gala?”
"Look, we ain't all fancy like you. We get tired of dealing with rich people bullshit." Jason says, going back to his book.
Peter tilts his head like a puppy. "I'm not fancy. I only come to the galas for the food and to be with Mister Stark."
"Fancy food is boring." Jason mumbles.
"Come on, Alfred will let you have better food if you come to the kitchen.” Dick says with a massive smile.
Dick turns to leave, and his hip slams into a side table, sending a vase full of knives flying towards the floor. Just before it hits the ground Peter catches it. Not a single knife falls out.
All eyes turn to him, and he awkwardly sets the vase back on the table. It takes a couple of tries, it won’t stop sticking to his hand.
“Huh.” Tim says, then focuses on his laptop again. The rest of the siblings follow his example and get back to what they were doing.
Dick smiles brightly, as if nothing strange happened, and continues pulling him towards the kitchen.
Peter doesn’t hear the conversation in the room they just left. He doesn’t hear Tim tell his siblings that Peter is Spider-Man. He doesn’t see them eagerly read and reread the file with all the information about him. With more information about him than he knows about himself.
Once in the kitchen, Dick introduces him to Alfred. Alfred gives him cookies, and a sandwich. The best sandwich and cookies Peter has ever tasted! But before he can thank the man, he disappears. Dick says he’s just really busy because of the gala, and there is no need to worry.
Dick climbs on top of the counters and sits upside down on the fridge as Peter eats.
Isn’t Peter the spider in the room?
When he is done with his food, Dick climbs down, dusts off his lime blue, sequin-covered suit, then leads Peter back to the ballroom.
How does he not get lost in this place? It’s insanely huge, and Peter can’t remember how many turns they’ve made, or how many hallways they’ve walked through. Sure, Mr Stark has some pretty big places, but they aren’t so confusing to get around. And on the rare occasion someone gets lost, JARVIS always helps them find their way to where they want to go.
Huh, come to think of it, Alfred is a little bit like JARVIS, they might make good friends.
Once in the ballroom, Peter makes a beeline straight for Mr. Stark. He notices that a few of the Wayne kids are also in the room, looking not at all like they were just playing an intense game of knife Monopoly.
Tony is arguing with Brucie. “You aren’t my brother! Get it through your thick skull!”
“But…” Brucie sounds like he is going to cry.
"No buts. How much of an idiot can you be? We are not biological brothers. Don’t you know anything about how genetics work? We are not related!" Tony snaps.
Brucie's face falls as the words leave Tony's mouth. A single tear slides down his cheek as he shakes his head. Tony opens his mouth to apologize, he didn’t mean to be so mean, but before he can, Brucie's breath hitches and a sob escapes. He covers his face as he runs out of his gala. “I’m sorry!” Tony yells after him but gets no reply.
Tony lets out a sigh. Even Peter is shocked about what Tony said. Peter knows the man says stuff without thinking, but this seems a bit more mean than normal.
Tony pinches the bridge of his nose. Peter can tell that Tony regrets what he said, but the damage is already done.
As Peter tries to figure out what to do or say next, the doors burst open, the windows shatter, and a group of oddly dressed characters enter the room.
One of them is wearing a blue suit, with silver tanks on his back, and two guns that are red and yellow.
Another is a man all dressed in green. Which seems pretty normal, until you notice the giant green kite on his back.
Next is a man that just looks awkward. He is in a silver tracksuit that is covered in colourful polka dots.
The last is a female. She is wearing a mask that seemed to be based on a cat. Her outfit is one black leather piece that hugs everything just right. It doesn’t leave much to the imagination, causing Peter to blush.
Most of the people in the room just sigh, and begrudgingly try to find some cover. Peter can hear some of them talking, they sound afraid, but not of physical harm. No, they are terrified that someone named Condiment King will ruin their expensive clothes with condiments. Some of them take guns and knives out of their pockets, purses, and hair, but don’t really do anything with them, just hold them casually while continuing conversations.
Out of the corner of his eye, Peter sees the Wayne kids sneaking out of the room.
"Pete," Tony says, gaining his attention. "I want you to go and hide with Bruce's kids."
"But-“ Peter starts.
"Not buts. These are Gotham's villains, they are dangerous. Plus it would be strange if Spider-Man shows up." Tony explains.
Peter sighs, not liking the idea of not being able to fight, but Tony does have a point.
Before Peter can leave the room, a window smashes open. Weird, he thought there weren't any windows left to smash.
Glass flies everywhere, and he spots a huge man dressed as a bat, with a little kid with bright colours behind him. That isn’t all though. There is also a man in a black and blue one piece that looks uncomfortably tight, and a man behind him is a male who is wearing a brown leather jacket, and a red helmet. It kind of reminds Peter of the Iron Man mask. Beside him is a smaller man. Almost the same size as Peter. He has a red shirt, black pants, and a black cape waving in the nonexistent breeze behind him. Peter thinks that is all, until he spots the spinning starfish. He is dressed pretty much the same as the little kid.
As much as Peter wants to stay and watch this fight, he knows that if Tony catches him, he won’t be happy.
Peter runs through the double doors to a massive hallway. He has no idea where he is, but when he thinks he is far enough away from danger, he sits on the ground. He hopes Tony will be able to find him.
Peter doesn’t expect to fall asleep, but he does. He wakes up with a big stretch, opens his eyes and jumps back, hitting his head on the wall behind him.
In front of him is the starfish hero, who has a giant eye in the middle of its body.
"Child." The starfish speaks. "Nightwing. It's a child."
The man in the tight blue and black one piece comes closer. He has a wide grin on his face that Peter thinks looks familiar.
"Yes Star Robin. That is a child." The man Peter assumes is Nightwing speaks.
"Child must be lost. We shall help." The Starfish grabs a hold of Peter's black suit pants and tried to pull him along.
"Hang on, Star Robin," Nightwing says. "we should see what he wants."
Nightwing crouches down to Peter's height, who is still sitting on the ground.
"Hi, kid, I'm Nightwing and this is Star Robin."
"Hey." Peter mumbles.
"Are your parents here?" Nightwing asks.
"I'm an orphan." Peter tells them.
“But you are a child!” Exclaims the costumed starfish. Peter has heard about how Gotham is frequently attacked with chemical weapons, maybe he is imagining this. Starfish don’t talk, right?
“So?” Peter asks in confusion.
“Children need parents! I have a dad and Nightwing has a dad, you should have one too!”
Nightwing speaks up. “Say, aren’t you the kid that arrived with Tony Stark?”
“Yeah.”
“Is he your dad?” The starfish asks.
“No…” Peter says unconvincingly.
“Either way, you should get back to him.” Nightwing says.
Peter mumbles something.
“What was that?” Nightwing asks.
Peter sheepishly rubs the back of his neck. “I uhh, I kinda got lost, this place is a maze.”
“That’s alright, we can help you get back.” The starfish says.
The two of them start walking and Peter starts following them. “Wait! I was trying to find the Wayne kids. Do you think they are alright?”
“I’m sure they are ok. I’m pretty sure I know where they went. Tell you what, if you take two lefts and a right, you’ll reach the ballroom. You go on, and Star Robin and I will find the Waynes. Does that sound good?”
Peter nods. “Two lefts and a right. I can do that.”
“Alright. It was nice meeting you Peter.”
Nightwing and the starfish start walking in one direction, and Peter goes in the other, repeating, “Two lefts and a right, two lefts and a right.” under his breath, not wanting to get lost.
Suddenly he stops in his tracks. Nightwing said it was nice to meet him, to meet Peter. But Peter never told him his name!
Deciding he hasn’t made enough questionable decisions lately, Peter decides to follow Nightwing and the starfish.
They already turned a corner, so there is no chance of them seeing him as he climbs up the wall onto the ceiling. The ceiling is always a good place for stealth. No one ever looks up.
Silent as a mouse, or actually more silent than a mouse, Peter crawls along the ceiling. He turns the same corner that Nightwing and the starfish did, and they don’t notice him.
He follows them into a room, a room with other other people also wearing masks and costumes. They are the same ones who broke windows during their dramatic entrance.
One of them is complaining to the guy dressed as a bat. “But I don’t want to go back to the gala! Galas are horribly boring!”
Most of the others agree, and the man dressed a bat drags his hand over his face and sighs. “We are the hosts. We have to be there.”
The hosts? But the Waynes are the hosts. Peter crawls forward to get a better look at the man’s face, as it appears his cowl isn’t on.
When he sees the man’s face, Peter falls off the ceiling in surprise. …and falls right into the man’s arms.
“Uncle Bruce!” Peter exclaims. “I didn’t know this was a costume party! If I knew, I’d have dressed up as Luke Skywalker, or Han Solo, or Captain America! And I’d have made sure Mr. Stark dressed up as well, maybe as Hawkeye, or Darth Vader!”
Peter can’t stop rambling. He does that sometimes when he is nervous.
“Relax sport. What were you doing crawling on the ceiling? You could have hurt yourself.”
“Uhhh.” Is Peter’s answer.
Someone else speaks up, and Peter recognizes his voice as the guy who was extremely interested in his computer. “Peter is Spider-Man.”
“What! I’m not Spider-Man.” Perfect laughs nervously. “That’s insane! Spider-Man is Spider-Man and I’m just Peter. There is no way I could be Spider-Man, Aunt May would never allow me! Especially if I don’t get my homework done!”
The people in the room look at him, silently judging. “If you aren’t Spider-Man, how did you stick to the ceiling?”
“I was eating gummy bears, and then I put some in my pockets, and they melted, and I stuck my hands in my pockets, and my hands got covered in sticky, melted gummy bears, and then I accidentally dropped them in the floor and stepped in them, and so my hands and feet got so sticky I could walk on walls and ceilings.”
They continue staring at him. He breaks. “Fine! I admit it! I am Spider-Man!” He says as he throws his hands up in the air. “Please don’t tell anyone?”
“Your secret is safe with us.”
“Thanks Uncle Bruce. Uhh, can you set me down now?”
Bruce sets Peter down, and Peter looks at the rest of the occupants of the room from the new angle. They are fighting the urge to laugh.
“It’s not that funny.” He pouts.
They lose the battle, and start laughing. Peter can’t help but join in.
They chat for a little bit, explain why they are vigilantes, and swap stories about their most interesting fights and villains. A few minutes in, Alfred appears in the room and reminds them that the hosts of the gala should be out there, comforting the guests after such a harrowing experience.
A few of them roll their eyes, it’s a gala in Gotham, being attacked by costumed crazies is par for the course.
No one wants to go back, but Alfred can be quite terrifying, so they exchange phone numbers, then Alfred leads Peter to the ballroom, and the Waynes disappear to put on more appropriate attire. They join him in the ballroom mere minutes later.
Mr. Stark is very happy to see Peter unhurt, and is also glad to see Brucie. Mr. Stark uses this opportunity to apologise to Brucie, and Brucie forgives him easily, apparently he already forgot that he was upset with Mr. Stark.
Peter just about gets whiplash watching Uncle Bruce go from Batman to Bruce to Brucie so fast. And he has a hard time resisting laughing. The Wayne kids don’t make it any easier with the looks and funny faces they send his way.
Mr. Stark decides they should leave the gala early, citing the attack as an excuse. They get a few dirty looks for the Gothamites, as well as a few pitying looks, and Peter can hear whispers about weak and soft Metropolitans. He doesn’t understand, they are from New York, not Metropolis.
On their way back home, in Mr. Stark’s private jet, Peter decides to ask. “Mr. Stark?”
“Yeah kid?”
“Why do the Waynes call you Uncle Tony and think I am their cousin?”
Tony groans and rubs a hand over his face. “Not that still.”
“Not what?”
“Some years ago, back when Brucie and I were still around college age, someone made a comment about us looking like siblings. It was all people would talk about for months, the front page of every gossip rag. Somehow Brucie was convinced that we actually are long lost secret siblings, and started referring to me as his brother. No amount of DNA tests would convince him otherwise. And he started adopting, his kids started following his example, calling me Uncle Tony.”
Peter starts laughing and Tony scowls. “It’s not funny. I don’t understand how Brucie has managed to survive this long with his level of intelligence. The man gets kidnapped so often I’ve lost track. Maybe he’s got head trauma from that.”
Tony stands up and starts waving his arms around as he speaks. “This one time, we were outside at a party, and a man approached him asking if he wanted to pet a dog in the man’s van. The idiot actually started walking towards the suspicious white van before I stopped him!”
“No way.”
“Yes way! I have no idea how Wayne Industries is so successful with him as the CEO. Actually I do, Lucius Fox runs the company, it’s a little hard for Brucie to do it considering half the time he’s lost on a nature hike, or relaxing on a tropical island with no wifi.”
Peter gets comfortable, he can tell Tony will be on this subject for a while.
“I invited him to the Stark Expo, and he somehow managed to accidentally walk into multiple restricted areas. He bumped into a delicate invention of mine, nearly destroying it, and spilled his drink on the invention of someone else, completely destroying it!”
Tony sighs. “Granted, it was quite lucky he destroyed that, it turned out that the inventor’s intern secretly put a bomb in it.”
“Are you sure that was just luck? Maybe Brucie is smarter than he seems?”
Tony snorts. “Absolutely not. This one time, someone managed to kidnap us, no I’m not telling you how that happened, no it was not my fault, and Brucie thought that they were having us as guests! The man didn’t notice he was tied to a chair! He kept insulting the kidnappers' fashion choices! The kidnappers who were holding guns! And then, we got rescued by Batman, you know the guy who helped start the Justice League, the League that Brucie single-handedly funds, and the next time I saw him, he was convinced that Batman wasn’t real! He said that the man was just an urban legend!”
"Mister Wayne sounds fun." Peter said around a mouthful of Alfred's chocolate chip cookie. Alfred gave him a box of homemade cookies as a ‘sorry the gala you were at got attacked’ gift. Or maybe it’s a bribe so he doesn’t tell anyone about the Waynes being the Bats. Or maybe it’s poison to kill him so he can’t tell anyone. He looks suspiciously at the cookie. Ehh, it tastes really good, it’s worth it if it’s poison.
The cookies were not poisonous. At least not any poison that gave Peter any ill effects.
A few weeks later, Mr. Stark hosts a party for some reason, Peter wasn’t paying attention when he told him why, he was too busy texting memes to the Waynes.
The Waynes are invited, and most of them come, including Brucie.
At one point during the party, while Mr. Stark is telling IronMan stories, Brucie spills some champagne on him. As he tries to clean up the spill with a satin handkerchief, Brucie pushes Mr. Stark away from the other guests.
Leaving their kids to talk among themselves. Bruce isn’t surprised to spot Jarro's jar in Peter's hand. He is surprised when he notices the jar is open and Peter has a finger in there for Jarro to hold.
Once he has Mr. Stark out of hearing range, Brucie’s body language changes, and the ditzy smile falls off his face. “Can I tell you a secret brother?”
“Uhh…”
Bruce pulls out his phone and shows Mr. Stark a video of Batman doing acrobatic stunts in a cave. After a few stunts, the camera zooms in to Batman’s face, and Batman removes his cowl to reveal Bruce.
“What?”
“I’m Batman.” Bruce growls in his Batman voice.
“Why are you telling me this?”
Bruce smiles, a frankly terrifying smile. “No one will ever believe you.”
Before Mr. Stark can do or say anything else, Bruce puts his Brucie mask back on, and returns to the party, leaving Mr. Stark standing there in shock.
THE END