Chapter Text
It took Leonard a week to muster the strength and emotional control to show up at Spock's door.
He realised that it had been a miracle that Spock hadn't picked up on it sooner, hadn't found traces of what happened in McCoy's mind - but maybe it was harder to pick up because they were the same person?
"Back, during the old days," he began without any introduction, "and we encountered that mirror universe I had an unfortunate run-in with that evil twin of yours. Instead of asking nicely he... melded with me."
By the end of those two sentences he was shaking violently, wrapping his arms around himself to not let it show.
"Recently those memories have come back to me. I thought I could manage, until that one time you kissed me and your hand cupped my cheek I just... I saw him and I felt him in my mind and I panicked. Ever since then I randomly got the same feeling. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't you, but I couldn't... I'm just afraid."
Spock had quietly listened and now got up to step closer to McCoy. "I cannot claim to know how you feel as I have never experienced something like this before. Yet I am willing to try everything to help you to come to terms with this."
It was a small step, but an important one. Slowly Spock wrapped his arms around McCoy, making sure not to touch his bare skin.
"I am sorry for hurting you the last time," Spock said softly when he felt his mate relax. It had been an unfortunate accident, neither was to blame, but apologising felt right.
"I don't mind a few bloody scratches," Leonard said and laughed shakily. "But the next time I want them because the sex is so good."
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The process was not an easy one, not even in theory.
The first rule established by McCoy was that he did not want Spock to change anything about how he was acting around Leonard, he did not want any second guessing of casual or not so casual touches.
The first rule established by Spock was that McCoy was not allowed to retreat, there was to be no room for fears silently festering away and growing into an even bigger problem.
When, after a few unsuccessful melds, they were not closer to getting to the core in the Vulcan way the second (third?) rule they implemented was that McCoy needed to see a counsellor.
Neither of them was happy about it but after another two failed attempts at the Vulcan way McCoy yielded to logic.
It was far from easy to tell the ship's counsellor of his problems, of the fear of touching Spock when the man had never done anything but bring him pleasure and only a brief moment being touched by the mirror universe's Spock had left him scarred.
It wasn't hard to understand that the melds including and following Spock transferring his katra to McCoy and the fal-tor-pan had stirred up the memories of the previous meld, he had considered that before.
It was hard to admit that he had been violated. The first time the mild-mannered Trill had used 'mind rape' to describe the circumstances McCoy had jumped up and paced the room and ranted for twenty minutes.
"Those are not my words, it the translation from the Vulcan term. Sometimes the hardest part is accepting what happened to us for what it is. We hide behind technicalities, we don't want it to get too close to us because that hurts worse than denial."
McCoy just glared at her bitterly. "There was nothing sexual about it."
"In either instance it's never sexual for the victim. But considering you'd previously been intimate with a Vulcan and now it poses a problem in your intimacy as well you will have to come to terms with it."
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It took McCoy weeks and several sessions to come to terms with the fact that the mirror Spock's attack had been the most intimate violation of the mind that he could think of. And although he realised that he had been helpless he still was working on not being angry with himself for the fact that he couldn't and hadn't fought back.
It was during one of those moments when he felt most devastated by the perceived lack of progress when he admitted to his and Spock's failed attempts to just have Spock reach into his mind to rid himself of the memory or somehow make it less scary.
"We can't hope for others to slay the monsters in our minds. We have to defeat them ourselves. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, but we cannot hope to achieve freedom as a damsel in distress."
He nodded, grimly, and thought it better not to mention the recurring dreams he'd been having: He was watching as Spock slayed a dragon but when Spock turned around the dragon got back up, just a tiny bit larger and tiny bit more menacing than before.
Maybe it would have been better but he felt uneasy even just thinking of mentioning it.
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Spock contacted his parents and officially reported to them his new relationship status.
Amanda congratulated him and Sarek claimed to find no means to judge Spock's choice - which probably meant that he had wished something else for his son but that he could not logically question his choice as he himself had made a similar one with Amanda.
The next time Spock called them Leonard was present and tried to be on his best behaviour. Pride filled him at being officially introduced to Spock's parents as his bond-mate, at least officially they were progressing somewhere.
In turn McCoy wrote to Joanna about her possible step-father and she replied with a message that mostly consisting of her asking whether he meant the same Spock that he complained about at every possible occasion.
Over drinks Bones even found the courage to bring up the matter with Jim.
There was a bit of a hangover the next morning, for both of them, but otherwise the Captain received the news of his two best friends and most trusted officers dating very well.
Maybe part of it was because he still thought McCoy was planning an elaborate joke.
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Leonard's contact with Spock remained as it was, sometimes strained when his flashbacks and fears came over him repeatedly and all he could do was sit back and do the basic meditation Spock had taught him to calm down. He tried to fill his mind with his mantra:
I am not helpless, I am not alone. Painful things happen and I cannot control them, but I am only helpless if I let them control me.
The effects were minimal, it seemed.
Some days he was aching to touch Spock, waiting all day for the moment when he could just hold him close, kiss him and maybe proceed to more - until he finally did and all too soon he felt the panic rise in him again.
Particularly the lack of anything beyond kissing and careful touches above the waist felt like a step back from what they had, but then the last time they could claim as 'more intimate' had been mostly clothed and afterwards Leonard had still felt the same fear hit him in the face once he reminisced the experience.
In an effort to feel not as alone but not to freak out randomly during the night Leonard and Spock still shared a bed at times, but making sure to keep some distance between them.
It felt much worse than Spock sleeping in his own quarter a few hallways away, but Leonard tried to tell him differently.
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"Sometimes things get worse before they get better," were the counsellor's words when McCoy broke down to tell her.
"Lovely saying, one I've never heard before," he grumbled. "So, when does this 'getting better' set in? Every time I tell myself that I am in control I feel even less in control. I am helpless! Not because I was assaulted, because I let this happen to me, because I let it control my life and now I'm too helpless to take my control back. And without control I'll never be able to be with Spock. The sex wouldn't even matter, but telepathy is a part of him. I just want to share that with him, dammit!"
He turned away and sighed.
"I'm beginning to think that it'd be better to let Spock go. He should have a chance to be with someone who he can share his whole self with, not just a purely intellectual level."
"That isn't a decision you can make by yourself."
His face was red as he continued, clearly flustered but angry enough to go on: "Hell, I can't even think of Spock without freaking out. I've tried, believe me, but it doesn't have to be an actual, physical touch to trigger my fears. Sometimes it just needs to be the right mood and a thought of Spock and I'll end up panting into my pillow - and not in a good way."
"You need to make a rational decision on this, not one based on what you think is right and rational. Choosing to end this because you're not in control does not mean taking control, it means relinquishing your will as well as your control to your fears. It will feed them. At the very least sleep on this and talk to Spock about it."
He sighed and nodded slowly. "I'll sleep and I'll talk to him."
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The barren wasteland surrounding the ruins of the castle - he assumed, only the foundations were left - seemed even bleaker than they usually did. Smoke rose in the distance, the grounds burned and scattered with shields and weapons. But apart from himself he couldn't make out any sign of any living being ever having been here.
But as usually it didn't take long before the monster appeared at the distance, its voluminous body swaying with every step and making the ground shake. Its mouth dripped with acid that burned the ground when another step caused another drip.
And it didn't take long before Spock arrived, ready to wield his sword in a fight against the beast.
He struggled and although Leonard knew that he was most likely to succeed at first he feared the moment when Spock had slain the monster and would turn to him, Leonard watching paralysed as the ugly head would lift itself up again to tower over Spock, ready to strike, surely delivering a fatal blow.
Before he'd even completed the thought Spock had already pierced the beast's neck and now wrestled his sword out of the vile flesh, careful in avoiding the acidic blood dripping out of the wound.
Leonard tried, tried calling out, shouted until his throat was raw, but no matter how loud he tried to shout, no word was to be heard. In his panic and his fear for Spock he looked around for anything, anything to catch Spock's attention but he realised that would only make him turn around sooner and the beast to rise faster.
At last his eyes fell on the ground before him and for the first time he seemed to realise that the walls around him were not more than two feet high.He'd noted the fact that the building was in ruins before but for the first time it occurred to him that they were neither protection, nor a prison.
Gathering all his courage he stepped over the wall and grabbed one of the swords lying around, not bothering with a shield or protection. After all, when the monster was done with Spock he would be the next it would turn to anyway.
He would not go down without a fight and he would not let any harm come to Spock.
Brandishing the battle-worn sword he raced towards the monster - Spock had wrestled his own out of the monster and turned around to see Leonard storm towards him.
The huge head was just beginning to rise when Leonard rushed past Spock, slashing once-twice against the head before forcing the sword through the ugly face, piercing the head to the ground. There was a brief struggle but then the beast stopped and even seemed to shrink in death.
Spock regarded him with astonishment and Leonard's fear for Spock slowly ebbed away.
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It was late and Spock in meditation when the door chime sounded softly. He rose and asked for the visitor to come in and had to admit that he was surprised to see Leonard. He was even more surprised when his bond-mate stepped up to him and kissed him - despite the rule that Spock was not to treat Leonard any differently Leonard had stopped initiating contact for a while now.
"I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing you and I'm afraid of remembering him. I'm afraid of being helpless. But even though that happened to me I'm not helpless - as long as I don't let my fear control me."
Spock blinked at Leonard, who was standing close now, head bowed and forehead resting against Spock's shoulder. Slowly his arms came up around the other. "I cannot pretend to understand what prompted this, but I am glad to have you here."
Leonard chuckled softly. "Well, it seems that I finally understood what it means to stop being the damsel in distress and be your own St George. Can I stay with you tonight?"
"This reference is one I'm unfamiliar with, but I would enjoy you staying with me."
Spock briefly parted from Leonard to blow out the candles he had lit for his meditation and noted how Leonard stripped and got comfortable on Spock's narrow cot. With some reservation Spock stripped as well and joined Leonard, fully aware that they were touching from head to toe. But to Leonard it seemed the most normal thing to cuddle up close to Spock.
"Lights out," Spock ordered and closed his eyes; he opened them instantly again and stiffened when he felt fear flitter at the edge of his consciousness.
Leonard however was breathing evenly and for a moment Spock was confused, even wondered if it was himself who had summoned the feeling.
"Fear is supposed to protect us," Leonard said then, letting Spock know that he was the source of the feeling. "But this fear isn't protecting me anymore, it destroyed my sense of protection and controlled me. I think I realised today that I wasn't really trying to fight it, hoping that something or someone else would protect and rescue me, and it fed my fear. Now, I can either cater to this fear and ultimately lose you or fight it in earnest, although that means stepping out of my comfort zone. I know that doesn't mean that I've won, it only means that I've got a chance. We have a chance. Because I love you."
Spock nodded and merely kissed McCoy's hair, the emotional onslaught of pride and love for his bond-mate leaving him speechless.