Work Text:
The thing about Neil is that food is the one thing that he’s always been very precise over. Everything has to be in a certain way, how much food he puts on his plate, how much he even ends up eating and if the meal ends with him leaning over the toilet throwing his guts up.
Food is the most important thing to him and he needs to have complete control over it at all times. Neil himself doesn’t really understand his own obsession with food but he knows he needs it for a feeling of control.
Ever since he was a young child who could barely even speak his Father was controlling. He wanted to make sure that his son only acted in certain ways and only showed certain emotions, everything had to be his way. Back then it was just some annoying scolding from his Father.
Then it was school and he started to get pushed into being the best student, it would be a multiplication test and his Father would be mad if he didn’t end up getting every question right. Neil was never asked what he wanted to do, instead every decision was made for him.
Neil never wanted to be a doctor, if anything it was the one job he wouldn’t like to do yet he was given no choice. When he was younger it was just a simple ‘you’re going to be a doctor’ but then he got older and everything seemed to be about the fact that Neil was going to go to medical school and be a doctor. Summer school for Chemistry and shutting down anything else that Neil might like to do.
It was welton when it really got out of control his Father just seemed to be getting worse and unlike when he was younger it seemed like every time he was around his Father he felt sunken. He was without him yet his Father seemed to linger everywhere and Neil needed a reminder that he was there and in control.
He was already dealing with another sinking issue that he couldn’t really explain. It was a feeling worse than sadness that left him never really wanting to get out of bed in the morning and in the worst moments wanting to be dead. That feeling he’d describe as close to numbness was another thing he had no control over.
There were many ways he could have made sure that he was in control, things that weren’t so life threatening and didn’t leave him feeling even more close to numbness then he already felt. The eating thing was just so easy to start and it became so much of an addiction that he never wanted to stop.
Even in boarding school with a tight knit group of friends, starving was surprisingly easy. When he came down for breakfast and started to think ‘what if I just didn’t eat today?’ and then he went with it. He cut his food up repeatedly and started offering some of it to his friends all with words of just how delicious it was.
The hunger appeared during the day and he felt so in control when he didn’t give in to it. Neil wasn’t some kid who was trapped into a life he didn’t want by his Father, instead he was a kid who made his own choices and wouldn’t let anything come between them.
The next few days after that he skipped some meals and only ate little, he felt so empty and though it hurt he was obsessed with the feeling. As soon as he had felt it he knew that he wouldn’t be able to live without it; the thrilling feeling was all he was going to need in life.
Neil wasn’t sure when the throwing up started but he remembers a day where he just let himself eat, the hunger became unbearable and so three full meals were happily eaten. The food at welton was known to be bad but Neil had no complaints that was until he really understood just how much food he had eaten.
He had watched himself slim down and now he was going to gain all of that weight back, he felt so heavy and he couldn’t stand it and there was only one way he could think of getting it out. Two fingers in his mouth triggered his gag reflex and suddenly he was throwing up. Neil felt dirty but it was better than feeling full.
He started to fall into a routine where he ate something like a slice of toast for breakfast, lunch was either nothing or a trip to the bathroom and dinner depended. Neil needed to eat it gave him the energy he needed to continue on with his studies so his Father left him alone but he couldn’t let himself eat enough that he would start gaining any weight and losing the sense of control.
The routine didn’t always stick, there were days where he just had to starve and days where he had to change around when he ate. Sometimes his act wasn’t so good and he was so afraid that his friends were going to catch on that he made sure to chew on food before spitting the food into a napkin.
As time went on the starving started to catch up with him in less than pleasant ways. He would get random cases of tooth ache because his teeth were decaying from the throwing up and his stomach was constantly in so much pain that Neil was sure it would be easier to die. He was cold all the time and nothing he tried would warm his body up, not to mention how tired he was.
In the worst moments they’d be heartache that made him think that he was actually going to die. It was in times like that when he realised how much he wanted to live, if he was without this weird ‘not eating thing’ then maybe his life would be better.
But as long as his Father was alive then Neil was a kid in his complete control then it was going to continue and even if his Father was out of the picture would that even change anything? He’d grown so used to starving that even some crisis during heart palpitations wasn’t going to stop him.
Neil Perry is seventeen years old and he’s decided to act in a play, his Father would be pissed if ever found out and Neil is scared of that possibility but he pushes it away. He eats a little at every meal since then, he isn’t sure why but the guilt doesn’t hurt as much. Neil Perry is acting in a play and he doesn’t throw up anymore nor does he try to lose weight instead he attempts to maintain it.
The dead poets society is the thing that keeps Neil going, it’s having fun with his friends and seeing Todd’s face light up. He thinks that the only thing that could make them happier is if he didn’t exist in their lives. Neil wants to be with them but he starts to wonder if he should be.
The dead poets and the play and all the other time he has to spend on his grades seem to be serving as distractions from the starving. He can’t spend all his time thinking about food when there’s something in front of him that needs all his undivided attention. Neil thinks that he might be gaining weight and he can’t let that happen.
He takes all the things that have been making him forget and uses them so he can’t let himself eat. Stay at Henley hall long enough that he misses dinner and if his friends save him any food then he says he eats over there. Any snacks he sees at the dead poet meetings he thinks about throwing them up. Breakfast and lunch are easily missed when he’s too busy studying.
No one realises, Neil’s not dropping weight as fast as he once was and he’ll do everything in his power to make sure his friends don’t see a thing. To them he was happy but really his eating disorder would never let him feel even a spark of happiness. It’s all an act, he’s a really good actor.
They don’t see him getting dizzy once he stands up or heaving to lean on walls to make sure he doesn’t faint. Neil’s glad they don’t see any of that, he doesn’t want them thinking that he’s sick.
Neil doesn’t think he’ll be seeing his Father again until the holidays but then he returns from practice and he’s there and he knows. He was thinking about letting himself eat some Dinner but now there’s no way, he thought he could actually do this without his Father knowing but can he really do anything without his Father knowing?
Keating tells him that he isn’t trapped but Keating will never know what it’s like. Keating did what he wanted with his life while Neil has had everything chosen for him. Neil’s never worried that someone knows about his disorder before but there’s something concerning in the way that Keating looks at him.
No one’s ever figured it out before and he can’t let it be Keating.
He doesn’t eat at all that day and he manages to convince Keating that he’s actually talked to his Father when really there was no way he would ever do that. Neil is on stage and his dreams are finally coming true, he’s got the life he’s always wanted. He feels so in control.
Then his Father is there and he becomes aware that he’ll never be in control of anything again. Once the curtains close he is going to fall straight into his death. Neil Perry is seventeen years old and he doesn’t want to die, he just wants to have some control but sometimes you’re left with no choice.
Neil Perry was seventeen but now he’s nothing.