Actions

Work Header

(Am I Ready) To Be Loved?

Chapter 2

Summary:

TW FOR MENTIONS OF ABORTION

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Lando was sixteen when his life had changed forever.

If anyone asked him to describe the moment it had changed, he could tell you every detail. He’d describe the way he was sitting at his desk, studying a track for an upcoming race instead of looking at the pile of homework he’d been ignoring for weeks. There were paper balls scrunched up from sketches gone wrong, and a glass of water half drank was steadily growing warm.

Faith had called his name so softly Lando had almost missed it and when he had turned to her, she was sitting on the bed instead of on the floor which was unusual. His girlfriend was full of quirks that Lando found adorable, it had been the reason he had noticed her when he actually went to school, and one of those was she always studied while sitting or lying on the floor.

He had immediately known something was wrong, dropping the pen and sitting next to her. When he had tried to take her hand, she had flicked it away, her breath stuttering and Lando was sure this was it. This was the moment that she broke up with him, and he remembered wondering if they had ice cream in the freezer because he remembered Oli eating a tonne of it after he broke up with his last girlfriend.

He hadn’t expected the words she had actually said as she fidgeted with the hem of her school jumper.

“I’m pregnant”

“Oh”

“Yeah..”

Lando wasn’t stupid enough  to ask if it was his, he knew it was. They’d been together over a year and had only recently started having sex since he had reached the age of consent in November. It had been Faith to bring it up, Lando had always respected her waiting to move slow, unsure if he was ready for sex until then.

They’d only been intimate a few times since then, and he had always made sure to wear a condom despite the embarrassment of fumbling with it every time. He always managed to struggle with it, and the last time Faith had laughed, kissed his cheek, and helped him with it.

They had been so careful, but his mother and his brother had told him that birth control could fail.

“Do you want a hug?”, Lando had asked softly, unsure what to do because he had never been prepared for this. He knew how to fling himself into corners with speed that terrified his mother but he wasn’t prepared for pregnancy.

Faith had nodded and the moment he had wrapped his arms around her, she had burst into tears. All he could do was hold her awkwardly, unsure of how to comfort her. His own chest was filled with a pressure he recognised as panic, but he shoved it down as she cried. In between her cries, she was stumbling over words, over how her parents were going to send her away when they found out for shaming the family and how she would forever be looked at as a sinner. She was trembling in his arms when she pulled back.

“What do we do? We can’t do this”.

Lando had opened his mouth, but nothing had come out. He had been at a loss of words, his own mind spinning between options and the reality of the situation.

“We could…we could terminate, or there…there is adoption…or we could…could we do this?”, he had squeaked out after a few moments, his palms sweaty and his heart racing.

He had felt as if he was going to throw up.

“I can’t terminate, it’s a sin, Lando”, Faith had snapped, her hand had drifted to her cross that she wore every day.

“I was just listing options, whatever you choose, or we decide together will be the…the right choice for us”, Lando had struggled to get out between his own ragged breaths.

His words had done something because she had clung to him again, crying and that was how his mother had found them.

Cisca had assumed they were breaking up or something had happened at school, but the moment she had crouched in front of them, Lando had broken down. The shock of everything had settled in his chest and bones the moment his mother had taken his hand and he had told her.

She had held them both, reassuring in a way only a mother could be. Her arm around Faith, and his fingers playing with the curls at the base of Lando’s skull. She hadn’t been mad or disappointed, at least not in front of them. She had been calm and reassuring, talking them through what had happened and explaining what would happen going forward.

Cisca was gentle when she brought up the topic of abortion, and Lando had felt his stomach churn because part of him had already grown attached to the idea of a little baby. His fear kept him from speaking, knowing that at this age, it was something that might be impossible. She had gone through the options including the fact that they wouldn’t need parental consent if Faith’s parents were going to be an issue and promising to be there for them both.

Faith had left with a fake smile of her lips when her mother pulled up to pick her up for evening mass, and Lando had been left with the weight of knowing that she was caring a little human that they had somehow created.

Telling his father had been hard. He had worked so hard to make sure Lando and his siblings had a good life. He had encouraged Lando to chase his dreams and here was Lando at sixteen, possibly becoming a parent and disappointing him. Except his father wasn’t disappointed, and just like Cisca, he had held Lando and promised to help him in any way he could, and that no matter what, he was proud of him.

The next few days had been a blur.

Lando didn’t remember much of them beyond the constant panic and fear. He was drifting from place to place until the moment that they arrived at the clinic with his mother to check if Faith was pregnant. It was a few towns over where no one would know them, and Lando had held her hand and ignored the way she would no longer look at him.

He didn’t remember much of what the doctor said but he remembered the ultrasound and the moment they had pointed out their baby among all the shades of black and grey and white colours.

She was a tiny little thing, no bigger than a raspberry according to the doctor who said that they were two months into the pregnancy.

And Lando had felt mesmerised by that little raspberry sized blob.

He had felt a catch in his throat and later that night, all he could do was stare at his copy of the ultrasound. To this day it was still tucked into his wallet.

Lando had wanted to tell them that he wanted this, he wanted to work this out. He didn’t know how, maybe he would have to give up racing, but he had fallen in love with that little raspberry and all he wanted to do was meet them.

Instead, he had kept his mouth shut, and waited for Faith to think about things, for them to meet with her parents.

And when they did, Lando had finally understood why she had been terrified.

He had known they were religious. He’d attend many a mass with them and dinners where they said prayers before they ate but he had never expected them to react the way they had did. Her father was yelling, threatening Lando and his parents and using words that Lando cringed when he heard his friends say but they were directed towards Faith.

In his shock, he hadn’t even noticed her mother moving until he had felt the sting in his cheek as she slapped him, and then her fingers were digging into his arms as she had shaken him.

Lando had sworn he had tasted blood when his mother had pulled him away, telling everyone to calm and sit down as his dad had checked his cheek before hugging him. Faith was looking at the floor, crying silently and Lando knew that this was it.

There was no coming back from this for them.

He had felt sick as he had gripped his knees and listened to the adults talk.

“Obviously they will be giving this…abomination up for adoption”.

Lando’s head had snapped up at those words.

“It might be the best option”, Cisca had responded softly with a hand on his back.

“It is the only option to get rid of this thing before it ruins our daughter’s life further”, her father had snapped, glaring at him, “We are getting rid of it”.

“I’ll take them”, Lando had spoken, but his voice was so weak he wasn’t sure anyone had heard him until they were all staring at him, “I…I want to raise them. I can raise them. Faith doesn’t have to be involved, we can…she can sign away rights and I’ll raise them. Please don’t give them to a stranger”.

“Lando…”, Cisca had smiled softly, taking his hand in his, “Liefje, have you thought this through? What about racing?”

“I…I’ll stop if I have to, but I want this. They’re my responsibility, I want to keep my…my baby. It feels like it is the right thing to do for me, I want this. I helped create this child, I’m not going to leave them”, Lando’s voice was shaking, “Please…I can do this”.

There had been silence for a moment.

“I want Lando to raise them. I don’t want them, but I don’t want them to go to someone that I don’t know”, Faith had added as her mother gripped her shoulder, not happy with the decision.

“We’ll support you 100% if this is what you think is right, but Lando, this is going to be hard. You can’t just pick it up and put it down when it’s hard”, Adam had added, his hand warm on his shoulder, “You will be this little baby’s father”.

It had been a terrifying thought, but he knew in his heart that it was the right one for him.

“I know, I can do this. I want to do this”, Lando had reassured them, “I know I’m just a dumb kid to everyone, but this little baby is mine, and I want to do the right thing even if it’s hard. If I have to give up racing, I’ll study and do what I can do give us a good life. Just please let me raise my child”.

“As long as we can wash our hands of this bastard child when it is out then we agree”, her mother had spoke harshly before she had stood up, “We will be involving lawyers to make sure you cannot ruin our daughter with this mistake later in her life. She will have no contact with you outside of appointments, and that is final. When this is over, you will never darken our door again”.

Cisca had escorted them out while his father had pulled him into a hug, kissing his forehead while Lando tried to calm down.

There had been no panic about the decision he had made but the shock and the fear had only truly hit when they had left.

“I’m so proud of you”, his father had whispered, “What you’re about to do is incredibly hard but rewarding. It’s not going to always be easy; your kid isn’t always going to like you and you’re going to have to put some of your own wants on hold for a bit Lando. But I promise we will be here, whatever you need, we’ll be here”.

His mother had returned, her speech similar to his fathers and it had reassured him this was the right thing to do.

The decision had been solidified when he had heard their heartbeat at the next appointment. Faith had reached out to grab his hand and that was when Lando had realised he was tearing up. It wasn’t because of everything changing, but it was because he was going to have a little human to raise and love and Lando had thought he had felt love before, but this was different.

Part of him had felt horrible for Faith who would never meet their child but as the weeks went on, that feeling diminished. The few moments they could talk she was happy about not ending the pregnancy, but she didn’t want them. She didn’t feel the attachment that Lando did and would instead pity him for “derailing his life” despite the fact that she had agreed that this was best.

He had known that it was her parents words sinking in and being retold but it had just grown the distance between them until they only spoke at the doctors appointments. Lando spoke to the doctors and didn’t disagree with the decision that Faith and her mother made about the delivery, even when that meant he wouldn’t be in the room.

Instead, he had thrown himself in racing, and when he wasn’t racing, he was learning. He took parenting classes for new parents and had been adopted by some of the older parents. They were there to answer his questions about what car seat to buy or what crib was the best for the baby or to listen to his panicked rambles. It helped that there were one or two older teens in the group that understood his worries and fears.

The months passed in a blur of racing between the two Formula Renault categories and attending appointments until he returned home from a race only to get the call a few hours later that it was happening.

Lando hadn’t slept, he had gone straight to the private hospital and held his mothers hand tightly in his as they waited. Updates came every so often from Faith’s father until a nurse led them to the room that they would use to monitor the baby for the first 48 hours before he could take them home.

“Are you ready to meet your daughter?”, the nurse had grinned the next time she returned, a little bundle in her arms and Lando had never seen something as beautiful as her as they placed her in his arms.

Her eyes were open and when he had held her, Lando had choked on the overwhelming love that he felt. It as overpowering him, and if he hadn’t been sitting, Lando was sure his knees would have given out. Especially when she caught his finger that he had been using to stroke her cheek in one of her tiny, wrinkly hands and let out a little whine as if she knew who he was already.

“Do you have a name?”, his mother had asked, glancing over his shoulder at her, “Oh Lando, she looks just like you did, tiny and gorgeous”.

Lando had spent hours pouring over names. He had researched meanings, names from both sides of his heritage, even considered biblical names to honour Faith but nothing had stood out. Nothing had felt right, and Lando had felt so guilty until this moment as his daughter stared up at him.

“Eloise”, Lando had whispered through his tears and his daughter, his Eloise, made a little sound at the name, “Yeah? You like that? My little Eloise, your name means a lot of things, but I think I like little sun the best because you’re only twenty minutes old and you’re brightening the world, yes you are”

Eloise had made another little noise, and squeezed her fingers around his as she yawned, blinking tiredly at Lando.

He couldn’t look away from her as he rocked to her to sleep, her little hand never letting go of him just like he would never let go of her.

And he knew then that he would do whatever it took to give her everything. He would give up racing in the morning if he had to, he would scale mountains to make her smile and to make sure she had the life she deserved.

“I’m going to love and protect you with everything I have, you’ll always come first”, Lando had whispered later that night as he had fed her, kissing her forehead to seal the promise.

It was a promise had always taken seriously. Everything he did for the moment she was born to now, watching her run around with her friends with her birthday tiara on, Lando had done for her.

He had gotten his license as soon as he had turned seventeen so he could take her to every appointment, to every play group and activity that he could. He had moved out when she was over six months old to an apartment twenty minutes from his parents so he could learn to do this alone while fighting for the F3 championship. He’d learned how to be parent, how to cook, and most importantly, how to forgive himself for moments he missed because he was doing the best he could for her.

“Eloise won’t remember the times you were away, she’ll remember all the love you gave her and how you were there for each big moment and all the little ones in between”, his mother had reassured when Lando had panicked about how he was going to race in Formula One with a two year old.

And she had been right, Eloise was sad to see him leave for the races he couldn’t take her to, but she was always ecstatic to wake up to him having returned over night or when he picked her up from nursery.

She was his little sun, and Lando never regretted revolving his life around her for a moment since he had held her.

“Daddy!”, Eloise’s laughter pulled Lando away from his thoughts as her little body came barrelling into his legs.

“Eloise!”, Lando exclaimed just as loudly, bending down to swing her into his arms and landing a noisy kiss on her cheek, “Enjoying your birthday, sweet pea”.

Eloise nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tight. Lando could hear his mother snapping a picture of the moment as he held her close, closing his eyes and remember how small she had been the first time he had held her. He still couldn’t fully wrap his head around the fact that he was turning twenty-one in a few months and his little girl was four now.

They had both come so far from that hospital room.

“What was that for?”, Lando asked softly, kissing her forehead as she pulled back to grin at him.

“Just because”, Eloise shrugged before wiggling in his arms, “Down Daddy, wanna go play with Em and Mathilda”

“Okay little sun, just be careful not to trip, okay?”, Lando smiled, placing her back on the ground.

“Daddy”, Eloise sighed, her hands on her hips as she looked at him with exasperation, “I’m a big girl now, I’m four”

Before Lando could argue back or reply with something soppy, Eloise was running back out into the back garden. Her laughter ringing out as the older two girls took her hands and they ran off to mix with the other kids that remained. The party was mainly made up of some of the people Lando had known through parenting classes and activities and a few drivers including Sebastian and Jenson.

Sebastian had been one of his biggest supports when he had moved to Formula One. The older driver had found Lando having a panic attack over Eloise being ill while he was stuck at a race weekend and had helped him through it. He too had juggled being a single parent and racing for a while.

Every knew about him and his two daughters, and the tragic way he had lost his fiancée when they were young. Not many knew about Jenson, or the fact they were married and considering adopting a little boy to round out the family they had created. Lando was one of the lucky few who knew as he watched Jenson run after the girls, making them laugh as Sebastian watched fondly from where he was talking to Lando’s father.

“I can’t believe she’s four”, Max snuck up on him, hand Lando a cup of lemonade in a Disney princess cup.

“You can’t believe it? Try being her dad and realising she’s going to be too big for you to pick up soon”, Lando smiled a little sadly, taking a sip of the lemonade.

“I can’t even begin to imagine it mate”, Max admitted, leaning their shoulders together, “But you make it look easy, you’re so good with her. You’re her world, and it’s just so nice to see you two thriving”.

“And she’s my world”, Lando confirmed, watching as Eloise helped the other kids tackle Jenson to the ground, “It isn’t easy, I’ve missed a lot and I’ve made mistakes, but she’s the best little kid, Max. Best thing I ever did was have her”

“She’s a lucky girl, not everyone gets a super dad like you”, Max’s voice wavered a little, and Lando felt his own heart clench for Max, “I’ve always wanted kids but I don’t think I could while racing, so I’ll take spoiling her and being the best uncle until I’m ready”

“Don’t tell me you, Alex, Charles and George are still fighting over that?”, Lando groaned, shoving Max as the other laughed, gesturing to the pile of present still waiting to be opened.

“Mate, of course we are, we love that little girl, and we will always fight to be her favourite”, Max grinned, setting his own cup down as Eloise called for him from outside, “Now I’m going to go win the uncle war”

“You know it’s Jon, right?”, Lando grinned popping a sweet into his mouth, but Max was shaking his head, already moving to where Eloise was calling him from.

Lando could only laugh and shake his head, watching him run straight into the back garden and sweeping Eloise up in the air. He watched as they played and as Charles joined them, Alex and George not far behind and it warmed his heart to see just how loved Eloise was. That it wasn’t just him that was wrapped around her little fingers, but almost an entire grid that gave up part of their week to come celebrate her birthday with them during their summer break.

There was only one person missing, not that Lando would ever admit that out loud.

Instead, he shoved those thoughts down and focused on making the rounds. He chatted with his friends and family, played chase with his little girl until they were both laughing and covered in grass stains and made sure the refreshments were stoked and that the food arrived on time.

Lando sang happy birthday off key with his daughter on his lap and watched her blow out the four candles. He laughed at the confusion on her face when they relighted because they had bought trick candles and melted when she started cackling with a laughter that sounded like his own. He’d helped her hold a knife and let her smear icing on his face, and Lando tried to memorise every moment because she was growing up for fast.

The party had died down after that, most people heading home and leaving only a few lingering as he put on a movie for Eloise and waited for her to hit a sugar crash. He’d pointedly ignored the look Alex and Charles had given him when he had sent a few pictures to the one person he wished was here or when Eloise asked if they could call him before bedtime.

He wasn’t going to talk about that right now.

He couldn’t.

He could see Alex approaching as he lifted plates to put in the dishwasher, but he was saved when the doorbell rang. He quickly put them down, moving to answer the door and when he did he was speechless.

“Miss me?”, Daniel grinned, standing on Lando’s porch and holding a present under one arm.

Lando, for a moment, wanted to answer honestly but before he could there was a scream behind him.

“Dan-Dan!”, Eloise was already running when Lando remembered to close his mouth and breath.

He had barely moved out of the way before Eloise was colliding with Daniel who had crouched down to catch her. Daniel had hauled her into him with one arm. Hugging her close and supporting her as she wrapped her arms around his neck, and Daniel’s eyes met Lando’s over her little head.

“What? No hug for me?”, Daniel joked but he was holding out an arm and smiling so softly at him.

“And make that ego bigger?”, Lando scoffed but he couldn’t hide the grin that was on his face or ignore the urge to hug him so he did, relaxing into the way Daniel hugged them both for a moment before pulling back.

“Daddy said you were under”, Eloise pouted, poking Daniel in the cheek as Daniel gave her a confused look before it clicked.

“I was down under, I was visiting my family, but I heard it was a very special little girls birthday and I couldn’t miss that”, Daniel hummed softly, stepping further in as Lando gestured him to the living room.

“There’s some cake in the fridge, Charles could grab you some”, he called after them before turning to close the door and he had to take a moment because he couldn’t believe he was here.

Daniel was here.

Lando leaned his back against the front door and let the thought of Daniel leaving his family behind just to make it here for her birthday. He had given up what little time he had with them to come here, and Lando didn’t know how to handle that information as he gather himself, walking back to the living room.

“Daddy, look!”, Eloise called out from where she was on the floor with Daniel beside her.

She was squishing a teddy in her arms that resembled a Koala, and Daniel was holding a book in his lap. He was watching her with a soft smile.

And that was the moment it truly hit Lando; he was in love with Daniel.

Daniel who was sitting on the floor, reading fun facts about Koala’s to Eloise who was gazing at him as if he had hung the moon. Daniel who was made of sunshine and laughter and made Eloise laugh until she said she was going to puke and had apologised to Lando for the jokes he had made before he knew about Eloise.

Lando didn’t know what to do with that realisation beside stare at them and wonder if Daniel knew he was holding both his and Eloise’s hearts in his palms.

 

                                                            *

The realisation had hung heavy in his mind in the days after the party as they grew closer to the start of the second half of the season. Lando tried to ignore it, he tried to fill his last days with Eloise with fun and quality time before it was back to him leaving her for a few days and stealing phone calls here and there.

Yet as hard as he tried to hide it, Lando knew his friends were starting to notice how Daniel was always around. He had caught them sharing looks and seen them talking so it wasn’t a surprise when Charles finally pointed it out while he was over for dinner while he was still in England.

“You like him”.

Charles’s words were spoken softly, and kind as if he knew pointing this out would send Lando spiralling.

Lando couldn’t even look at Charles. He had tried so hard to bury this, and even harder to avoid having these questions asked of him. Lando wanted to simply exist without this weighing on his mind and taking his attention away from Eloise.

Yet here he was with his heart thundering in his chest with a mixture of panic and fear. He ignored the hint of want and longing that was creeping in there too because he couldn’t entertain those thoughts. He could never have what his heart was calling out for because Lando couldn’t risk this effecting Eloise.

She would always be his priority, and he didn’t want her to lose the bond she had with Daniel because he had gone and messed things up.

“I can’t Charles. You…you know I can’t”, Lando replied, his words cracking something inside him, and he felt too old for his actual age.

“Lando, you deserve to live”, Charles sighed, running a hand through his hair because this was an argument all of them had had with him, “You deserve someone who loves you, and who loves Eloise. Someone who understands your life, and that she comes first. You have to let yourself live. Daniel…. Daniel could be that for you if you let him”

Lando bit his lip because it wasn’t that he didn’t want that. It wasn’t that Lando was content with being alone until Eloise was grown because he wasn’t. Sometimes all he wanted was someone on the other side of his cold bed. Someone to go to all Eloise’s major events with him and be proud of their little girl. He wanted someone he could share his life with who would hold his hand when things get hard and tell him it’s okay.

Eloise deserved two loving parents, but life hadn’t worked out the way Lando had thought it would when he was a teenager. He wouldn’t change a single thing about how he became a father, but he knew it wouldn’t always be easy. He had known at sixteen that he would be doing this alone. So, he did his best to be everything she needed.

Lando had to be realistic about his ability to give Eloise everything she deserved and needed while maintaining his career. If that mean giving up on having a partner then Lando was ready to do that because at the end of the day, Eloise was always going to be his priority over anything else.

“It doesn’t matter what I…I deserve or want, Charles. It’s not possible. It would never work out. Sure, we might have the same schedule for racing, but I have Eloise”, Lando dismissed the ideas, banishing all the thoughts that had been swirling in his mind for weeks as he finished cutting up Eloise’s lunch, “Being here for a few hours with us isn’t the same as being a parent. I can’t have everything, and I am okay with that”

Charles caught his wrist before Lando could walk away to get Eloise from where she was playing within his sight in the living room. His fingers were gentle as he tugged Lando back to him.

“You don’t see the way he looks at you two”, Charles squeezed his wrist gently, “Lando, Daniel looks at the two of you as if he sees forever. He would understand, not just Eloise, but you, and he would be so good for you if you let him in”.

Lando had to look away again.

He had seen the way Daniel looked at them, at him. He had seen the lingering looks and the how Daniel’s face lit in ways that it never did with anyone else when he spotted them. Daniel was soft and kind and endlessly charming. He was Eloise’s favourite person after himself and Sebastian.

And he made Lando feel safe.

Daniel made Lando want to open himself up to that kind of love again and it terrified him.

“He wouldn’t hurt you”

Charles sounded so sure as he spoke, but Lando just shook his wrist free.

“They never mean to hurt but they do. I can’t put Eloise through that. Not after Faith. It’s not fair to her, and I will always protect her from the rejection I went through with her. I’m not going to let her lose what she has with Daniel over a stupid crush so just drop it Charles”, Lando whispered back, offering his friend a sad smile.

For a moment they just looked at each other. Neither of them saying a word because they both knew there was no changing Lando’s mind. Not about this.

“I’m hungry!”, Eloise’s voice broke the tension as Lando’s little terror came into the kitchen with a pout on her face.

“Lunch is ready baby, Uncle Charles was just helping make it”, Lando laughed, moving to pick her up and kissing her cheek.

Eloise looked between the two of them with a frown on her face.

Ever since she was a baby, Eloise had had a knack for picking up on people’s emotions. Especially when it came to Lando. His mother had told him that was normal with children, that they were very attune to their primary parents moods and that had freaked Lando out. He tried to keep his emotions in check around her, but she was an intelligent little girl.

“Uncle Shar, no make Daddy sad! Or I’ll put you on the time out step”, Eloise scolded, pointing a finger at Charles who burst into laughter as Lando grinned.

“He’s not making me sad, monkey”, Lando reassured, cuddling her close as she clung to him.

“I’m sorry El, I wasn’t making your Daddy sad. I was just asking him about Uncle Daniel”, Charles laughed, reaching out to take Eloise who resisted for a moment but eventually leaned over to cuddle into Charles.

“Miss Dan-Dan”, Eloise sighed, resting her head on Charles’s shoulder, “Daddy says he’s working but I think he’s under again”

“Under?”, Charles questioned, giving him a puzzled look as he walked to the dining table.

“She couldn’t say Australia, so I told her it’s down under, and under stuck, but he is working Eloise. Maybe we’ll see him tomorrow when I have to go to work”, Lando shrugged as he grabbed her food and set it before her, “Gold star if you manage to not make a mess, monkey”.

“But messy is fun”, Eloise grumbled before sighing, nodding at Lando’s words, and focusing on her food with a determination that only four-year-olds seemed to possess.

Lando left Charles to supervise Eloise, trusting his friend with her while he reheated their lunches left by the trainers for them.

He couldn’t keep Charles’s words out of his head as he watched the plate spin in the microwave.

Lando wanted to open up his heart to Daniel, he really did. He wanted Daniel to come home with them after long days at the MTC and make dinner with them. He wanted Daniel to fall asleep watching movies on the couch with them and complain about his back in the morning. Lando wanted to wake up with Daniel beside him, and fall asleep every night curled together, but he couldn’t.

Daniel deserved more than Lando could ever give him. He deserved a partner that would travel with him and go on adventures. One who would wander the streets of LA at 1am just to see what was happening or spend late nights at a jamming session. Daniel deserved someone as bright and brilliant as he was.

And Lando couldn’t give him that.

Eventually Daniel would get tired of early nights and school pickups. He’d grow resentful that Friday nights were movie nights, and that there was no partying till the bar closed when you had a four-year-old relying on you.

No matter what Daniel had said that day in the park a couple of weeks ago, Lando knew that this wouldn’t be something Daniel wanted.

He wouldn’t want them, and Lando refused to put Eloise through that confusion and heartbreak.

So, he swallowed his own wants and shoved them down where no one would ever find them.

It was better to have Daniel in their lives as a friend than to try follow what his heart desperately wanted and have it hurt the person he had swore to protect when she was just minutes old.

Lando couldn’t hurt her like, and he didn’t want to go let someone close only for them to hurt him again. He needed to look after his heart, and if that meant keeping Daniel in a glass case in his mind that he could never touch, then that was what he was going to.

With one last sigh, Lando grabbed their meals carefully and brought them back to the table where Eloise was sitting. His daughter was humming to herself as she shovelled spaghetti into her mouth which was stained red. He set down the plates and narrowed his eyes at the innocent look that she gave him.

“Alright you little monster, where’s Charles?”, Lando tried to keep a stern face but it was hard when she was grinning up at him looking like she’d shoved her face in her dish.

“He did make you sad, and he tried to eat my sp’getti so he’s in time out”, Eloise shrugged, going back to her spaghetti.

The words took a moment to sink in before Lando took a few steps to peer out towards the stairs and sure enough Charles was sitting there on the naughty step while pouting at him.

“Well, he deserved it”, Lando laughed, returning to the table and kissing her head before he sat down, “How long?”

“Well he is really old daddy so a long time”, Eloise sighed with a small grin.

“Hey! I can still hear you”, Charles yelled, making Eloise and Lando burst into laughter before Eloise was yelling back.

“No talking in time out, Uncle Shar!”

                                                                        *

The season started back up, and Lando threw himself back into work.

His weeks became a blur of debriefs and races and nursery pickups and school visits for next year. Lando spent countless days between racing searching for the right school for her transition into primary school. It was an endless stress of applications and interviews and staring down judgemental older men and women who tried to speak to his mother instead of him.

And somehow, in the middle of all the craziness, Daniel was one of the most consistent things in Lando’s life.

Lando didn’t know when or how it had happened, but it had. Daniel had become an integrated part of their lives. He was always there, always texting Lando and sending him pictures of cute animals for him to show Eloise. Daniel asked him how his day was and listened when Lando vented.

Especially after what had happened with the last school Lando had gone to see. The one where the woman had openly judged Lando, making snide comments about his age and refusing to accept the fact that he had a daughter reaching school age. She had demanded proof and Lando had never felt so disrespected. Sure, there had been media comments and people who gave him looks before when he was out and about with Eloise when she was a few months old, but no one had ever said it so outright.

The appointment had been the last thing Lando had done before flying out to a race and he had carried the hurt and with him. It had dug into his bones, making him pricky and just horrible to be around. His garage were walking on egg shells around him, and despite Jon pulling him on his shit and trying to get him to work out the anger, he couldn’t.

Not until Daniel showed up at his room the night before the race and refused to leave. Lando had all but shoved him and Daniel had held firm, just bundling him in his arms until Lando broke.

He hadn’t meant to.

Lando had meant it when he had promised himself to keep Daniel at a distance, but there was something about the way Daniel looked at him that cracked open all his defences. It made Lando feel safe and sheltered as if nothing could hurt him when he was with Daniel. That was what made Lando tell him everything, the words about how much it had hurt to be looked down on for his age, the guilt he felt when her words had sunk in and made him think about how Eloise could have a better life with someone else and how tired he was. Tired of constantly being second guessed by strangers because of his age.

“Fuck them, don’t listen to a fucking word they say and hold your head high”, Daniel had replied, the anger clear in his own voice, anger not at Lando but for Lando, “I see you, we all see you. Lando, you are the best father I’ve ever met, and I’ve met some older than you that are pieces of garbage. You are what that little girl needs. Not anyone else. You would tear this world apart to see her smile, and there isn’t a moment of your time where you’re not thinking about her or how to spend as much time as possible with her. You’re an amazing dad, so fuck what they say”

Those words had made something settle in his chest as he had deflated in Daniel’s arms, quietly asking Daniel if he really thought that.

“Yeah, Lando, I do. I think you’re amazing”, Daniel had whispered back before he had brushed a curl from Lando’s forehead and Lando had felt his breath hitch for a moment when he realised that he wanted to kiss him.

Instead he had thanked Daniel and hugged him close for a little longer before his stomach had rumbled and they had made a sneaky, late night room service order while watching reruns of Friends.

After that night, Lando had found it impossible to keep a distance with Daniel. He was everywhere, and all it took was a smile or a joke to get Lando laughing along with him. An arm thrown over his shoulder to make him relax and Lando hated himself for it. He knew that this was going to end in him breaking his own heart but it was hard to let go.

Especially when Eloise adored him like she did.

If Lando truly had one weakness in this world, it was his daughter, and seeing her with Daniel always made him weak. The two of them had a bond that Lando had never expected and didn’t know how to explain. It was as if they were drawn to each other and spoke a secret language that Lando would never understand. He saw it in the way they talked and joked, how Daniel was endlessly patient with her but never in a forced way.

Sometimes with his friends or people his age, Lando could tell when they were simply humouring Eloise, rushing through interactions to get back to talking to Lando but not Daniel. Daniel always drifted to Eloise, happy to spend hours colouring or watching one of her cartoons and letting her tease him for being ‘silly’.

Slowly, Daniel had become the person that Eloise asked for whenever Lando had to take her to the MTC. It was always “can I stay with Dan-Dan?”, and Lado found it highly suspicious that Daniel’s meetings were always finished by the time Lando was hopping onto the sim to do some work. He had a sneaking suspicion that it was Jon and Michael who were messing with their schedules, maybe Charlotte too. He’d seen the looks and whispers.

He couldn’t be mad when he it led to scenes like the one just hours ago when he had come back from his time on the sim. He’d opened the door to Daniel’s room only to find the himself unable to take another step as he gazed at the sight before hi,

Lando had gripped the edge of the door in his hand and felt the want course through him as he had looked at the man before him and the way he was looking at Eloise, who was fast asleep in his arms. There was nothing but love and adoration in Daniel’s gaze as he gently brushed a stray curl from Eloise’s face, making sure the little teddy Daniel had bought her was safely in her arms before looking at Lando with that same expression that made Lando want to ask him to stay.

 

“She fell asleep while watching a movie on the iPad and I didn’t want to wake her”, Daniel laughed softly, stepping towards Lando until Lando could reach Eloise, touching her hand softly and when he looked up, Daniel was once again close enough to kiss if only he was brave enough to go for it.

 

Lando had been lost for words. His heart was in his throat and all he wanted to do was keep this, keep them.

 

It hurt that he knew he couldn’t.

 

And despite everything, Lando had done the same thing had done the past few weeks when they weren’t jetting off to races and let Daniel follow him home for movie night.

 

Daniel had made pasta, an old family recipe, refusing to let Lando help and grinning when Eloise pushed Lando out of the kitchen. The two of them urging him to go relax while they worked at making food, Eloise standing on the little toddler safe stool Lando had bought for her to be able to help him with baking or cooking.

 

He lingered, watching them for a few moments before taking the opportunity to just sit and let his mind drift as he played a game on his switch, something he hadn’t done in weeks. His hours rightfully preoccupied by Eloise and racing and all the commitments and small things he needed to do to keep their schedule running.

 

They had eaten together afterwards, Daniel making them laugh and wiping Eloise’s face clean before Lando could, and he had argued with Lando about washing the dishes until they had agreed to do it together with Eloise supervising. This had quickly turned into Daniel flicking suds at Eloise until the two of them were giggling and Lando had to pretend to be stern despite the grin on his face.

 

It had been an amazing evening even if Lando didn’t want to admit it as he tucked Eloise into bed. He stroked her curl softly, watching the way she gave him a little smile in her sleep just like she used to when she was a baby. His heart fluttered a little as she held her koala teddy bear close, her little cheek resting against it and Lando wanted to capture the moment but his phone was still down stairs with Daniel.

 

Daniel.

 

Lando knew he was still where he had left him. He was probably scrolling through his phone or through Netflix to find the show that they watched together after Eloise fell asleep and Lando felt his chest pang at that thought. He was probably blinking sleep from his eyes, and relaxed and Lando knew it would take everything in him not to slot into the space that Eloise had left to curl up with Daniel.

 

He also couldn’t believe that this was a thing now. That Daniel being here was a normal Friday occurrence and not just a treat like when Charles, Max, George or Alex visited them between schedules. No, Daniel had been here every Friday for the last few weeks.

 

And as Lando made it to the bottom of the stairs, he was proven right.

 

Daniel was sprawled in the corner of the sofa. One hand was working the control, flicking through the account that had been added under the name ‘Papaya Boys’ to Lando’s Netflix, and the other running through his curl gently. When Lando came within eyesight, his eyes lit up and the smile that took over Daniel’s face made Lando’s insides melt.

 

“Schitt’s Creek or a movie?”, Daniel asked , lifting his arm and gesturing for Lando to sit next to him as if Lando wasn’t going to spend every moment hyper fixating on the little gap between them.

 

“Schitt’s Creek?”, Lando suggested, carefully settling into the space Eloise had vacated once she had fallen asleep but keeping distance between them as he tucked his legs under him. Maybe he was leaning towards Daniel, but that was his business.

 

It didn’t take long for Daniel to press play, continuing where they had left off previously. They fell into companiable silence for a little while. The only noise was that of the television and the rustle of Daniel’s arm as he let his fingers tease the curls at the base of Lando’s neck. He tried not to relax into it but he found himself leaning his head back into the touch, making Daniel laugh.

 

“You and Eloise are both so alike”, Daniel chuckled, scratching teasingly at Lando’s scalp for a moment, “You both hate the cold, love have your curls played with, and have a weird hatred of ketchup”.

 

“Cause it’s gross”, Lando mumbled, looking down at his hands for a moment, “I see some of her mum in her at times, but most people think she’s my little carbon copy”.

 

“Really? All I see is a cute little kid copying her amazing Daddy. Even the little look she gives when she’s causing chaos is all you”, Daniel grinned, “I’ve seen you give Jon and Zak that look so many times”

“I do not”, Lando tried to act offended but he couldn’t help but grin when Daniel gave him a look, “Okay, okay, I know the look. She’s better at it than me, but she does remind me of her mum sometimes. Just in small ways like certain things she dislikes or how she rolls her eyes. They’re small reminders, but they’re there”.

Daniel hummed, his fingers resuming playing with Lando’s curls as he twisted to face him more.

“You never talk about her, and you can absolutely tell me to fuck right off, but does Eloise know her at all?”, Daniel asked softly, tugging at the curls.

Lando, for a moment, froze because he never really spoke about Faith with anyone. His parents and his siblings had known her, they talked about her sometimes, but even George and Alex never spoke about this with him. He had never wanted to speak to them about her, they knew she hadn’t wanted to be in Eloise’s life and there was hurt there, but Lando had never told them the details.

Yet with Daniel, Lando found he wanted to talk about it.

Maybe it was because Faith’s birthday was this week and Lando had seen her once again pop up as requesting to follow his private Instagram just two days ago. The notification eating at him every time he checked his Instagram or went to post a new picture of something he and Eloise had done for his friends and family.

“No, Eloise doesn’t know her. I’ve never even told her, her name”, Lando admitted softly, gaze on his hands as he fiddled with his bracelets, “Faith, Eloise’s mum, is from a very religious family like old school religious. So when we told her parents….it didn’t go down well and they wouldn’t let Faith keep Eloise. They wanted to give her up, and I couldn’t do it. So, we signed some documents stating that I was the sole parent, Faith gave up her rights. She wasn’t even allowed to hold Eloise, her parents made them take her away as soon as she had been delivered”

When he glanced at Daniel, he was watching him with sad eyes. His hand stilled in his hair before falling to rest on the back of his neck, his thumb moving in soft, comforting sweep. The warmth made Lando want to lean into him. It made him want to crawl into Daniel’s lap and hug him, but he didn’t.

He couldn’t.

“I’m sorry that happened, I’m sure it was hard on her and on you. I couldn’t imagine being in her situation, or yours”, Daniel commiserated, not making judgements, just comforting.

Lando had always been scared to talk about Faith because part of him understood that as a teenager, she had no choice or fault in what happened. Yet people would judge her by what she was repeatedly doing now, and Lando had a whole mess of complicated emotions surrounding it.

“She reached out once”, Lando whispered, lifting a hand to rub at his cheek, “When we were nineteen, and it was…I was so hopeful, but I was wrong. I’m just glad I never brought Eloise with me when I went to meet her”.

“You don’t have to talk about it”, Daniel reassured, squeezing his neck softly before his arm fell to rest around Lando’s waist in a little hug, pulling him closer.

“I know, but I want to. I trust you”, Lando admitted, swallowing the little bit of fear as he looked at Daniel, “She sent me a message through my public Instagram, just asking how I was and telling me how she had moved out, how she was in university now. She asked to see a picture, she didn’t even know Eloise’s name so I told her, and I showed her pictures and she asked to meet up”

Lado paused for a moment, glancing towards the stairs to make sure Eloise hadn’t woken up and come looking for him as she did sometimes.

“I didn’t take Eloise, I didn’t think it would be good for her or Faith, and I…I was right. Faith…I thought from talking to her that she wanted to at least talk, but she didn’t. She wanted money, ‘compensation for the sin we committed’ to quote her”. She said…awful things about Eloise, never referred to her by name, and me being an idiot, I let her”, Lando sniffled, looking up at the ceiling as the guilt resurfaced, “I was in shock. She wasn’t who I remembered but I just kept telling myself that she was traumatised by what happened, by her parents and having to give up Eloise but I don’t think so. I think she became like her parents. Every so often she pops up, trying to follow me or talk to me, sending me posts about children outside of marriage, calling Eloise horrible names and I…I just try block her but she keeps coming back”

Lando felt himself trembling a little, and Daniel’s arm tightened around him as Lando tried to look anywhere but at Daniel. Shame clung to him because he knew he should be stronger than this, but he kept coming back to the fact that this was Eloise’s mother. She was someone Eloise might want to know one day, that maybe Faith was having a mental health crisis and needed help.

“Fuck her”, Daniel’s voice was cold, and when Lando glanced at him, he was angry. The anger wasn’t directed at Lando, no, it was for Lando and Eloise.

“She’s her mum”, Lando answered because it was what he told himself to try justify him giving her all these chances.

“No Lando, she isn’t”, Daniel responded, looking him dead in the eyes, “She is not Eloise’s mum. She gave birth to her, but she is not a mum. I’m not denying she had a hard time or that she has issues around the birth, but even when you’re sick, it doesn’t give you the right to treat someone like that. Especially not someone you loved or cared for, and the child you brought into this world. She is an egg donor at best, and you owe her nothing”

“I did this to her, I ruined her life”, Lando whispered, repeating the argument that her parents and Faith had used on him since she had reached out.

“Lando, you were two consenting teens who took precautions, I assume. You both made a choice to have sex. She might not have had the option to be a mum back then, but she did when she got out. She had the option to meet her daughter, even as a friend of yours, or to keep living her life in ignorance”, Daniel spoke slowly as if he was waiting for his words to sink in, “She chose to hurt you, she has chosen to keep hurting you by repeatedly harassing her. You owe her nothing. The only people you are responsible for are you and Eloise, and you’re an amazing fucking dad”.

“She…she tried to follow me again”, Lando swallowed, feeling himself relax because he hadn’t told anyone this. No one knew that she had tried to reach out to him. Not even his parents.

“Give me your phone, I’m going to block her for you”, Daniel asked, holding his hand out and Lando couldn’t help but do as he asked, “She doesn’t get to do this to you. She doesn’t get to have this power over you, Lando. You deserve so much better than this”.

Lando felt those words hit him in the chest as he watched Daniel find the notification, and swiftly block her. He even went as far as reporting the account for harassment sending screenshots of messages she had tried to send to him, and all he felt was relief.

“Do you really think that?”

Lando’s voice was weak to his own ears, but part of him needed this. He needed to hear that he was doing the right thing. He’d read so many stories about how the mother should always get a second chance, and he couldn’t help the way he felt as if he was failing Eloise by this.

“Lando, fuck, yes you deserve better than this. You do not deserve to be harassed, no one does. You work so hard to give Eloise everything. You’re raising her to be such an amazing little girl, and you’re working your ass off to be the best for the team too”, Daniel paused for a moment, a look crossing his face that Lando couldn’t decipher, “You deserve someone in your life who looks at you and sees everything you are, and everything you do, and thinks ‘fuck I’m one lucky cunt’. You deserve good things Lando”.

“I…thank you”, Lando whispered, almost in a daze as the words sank into his chest.

“Hey, I’m just speaking the truth Lando”, Daniel replied, reaching out to tip his chin up so their eyes met properly once more, “Do not let anyone tell you you don’t deserve good things and respect, because you do”

Lando couldn’t help the little hitch in his breathing as Daniel’s thumb rested on his chin for a second before his hand fell away. Their eyes were still locked, and Lando found himself drowning in those honey brown eyes. The gap between them seemed to close Daniel pressed against him, his arm still around him, and Lando could feel Daniel’s breath ruffling some of his curls as he blinked up at him.

“Lando…”, Daniel whispered, swallowing, eyes searching for something.

“Danny…”, Lando whispered back, leaning forward, body tingling with the amount of tension that was between them.

Whatever he was looking for, Daniel seemed to find, his jaw unclenching as he moved. His hand tilted Lando’s head up further, and Lando could feel his breath on his lips, so close to where he wanted them. So close to kissing him the way Lando had dreamt about.

He started to let his eyes close, leaning in to close the gap when reality hit him in the chest; he couldn’t do this.

Lando made a choked noise, leaning back before they could kiss. His hands were trembling, and his eyes burned with tears he knew were coming as panic gripped him.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I should have….Daniel, I can’t do this”, Lando rambled, his min running a mile a minute between his wants and his reality, “I have to think about Eloise. She comes first”.

“Lando, it’s okay”, Daniel cleared his throat, leaning back, and when his arm left Lando’s waist, Lando missed the warmth immediately.

“No, it’s not okay. Daniel, it’s not that I don’t having feelings for you, but I can’t be this for you”, Lando rubbed his hands over his face, “I have Eloise, her and racing are the only things I have room for. I would never forgive myself if I hurt you or her because she has to come first for me. I’d never be able to give you the attention you fully deserve, and you’d…you’d hate me for it. Eloise adores you. I don’t want her to lose you, I don’t want to lose you if we…if something happened between us”

Daniel listened, and after a moment his hand rested on Lando’s shoulder. He squeezed it softly, shifting again so he could look at Lando. Lando expected to see hurt or anger in those eyes at the rejection but there wasn’t. There was only understanding and care, and that was almost worse.

This would be less painful if Daniel hated him for this.

“I know, it’s okay. Does it hurt a little? Yes, because you crept up on me and I can’t deny I have feelings for you, and I really want to kiss you and show you the type of love you deserve”, Daniel smiled sadly, laughing a little in a way that made Lando’s chest ache, “But Eloise comes first, and I have nothing but respect for you. It makes me like you even more that you know where your priorities are. I am happy being your friend and being in you and Eloise’s life. If Uncle Dan-Dan is all I get to be then that’s it, okay?”

“Daniel…how can you be okay with this?”, Lando asked softly, his heart still in his throat and part of himself was screaming for him to take it back, to give Daniel a chance.

But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t let Daniel break his heart.

No matter how sweet he was, he would hurt him in the end.

“Because you are worth it, and I will take whatever you are comfortable with”, Daniel reassured, leaning in to kiss Lando’s forehead softly as Lando closed his eyes, “You are so amazing and strong, and I am happy to be here and support you however I can. I meant it when I said you don’t owe anyone anything but yourself and Eloise, Lando”

“You’re too good to be real”, Lando joked, swallowing back the tears as he opened his eyes as Daniel pulled back, and he wasn’t sure how they would recover from this. The tension was still in the air around them and Lando didn’t know how to fix this despite Daniel’s reassurances.

He was about to open his mouth when he heard Eloise moving upstairs.

“Daddy? Daddy!”, her first call was soft, her second urgent and Lando was on his feet within seconds.

“I…”

“Go get her, I should probably head anyway, I’ve a flight tomorrow that I have not packed for”, Daniel grinned, standing up and he pulled Lando into a tight hug for a moment before Eloise was calling for him again.

Lando detangled himself from Daniel reluctantly, heading to the stairs where he could see Eloise sniffling at the top. Her koala squished between an arm and her side while one hand rubbed at her teary eyes.

“We’ll talk tomorrow?” Lando paused, looking back at Daniel who was gathering his things.

“We’ll talk tomorrow. Now go hug the little princess for me”, Daniel promised, waving as he headed to the door.

Lando didn’t hesitate this time as he turned back to Eloise, his daughter holding her arms up for him as he picked her up. She mumbled into his shoulder about a bad dream as Lando rocked her softly, rubbing his hand up and down her back soothingly until she started to fall back asleep. Once she was snoring softly Lando settled her back into bed, tucking her in with her koala teddy and making sure her little night light was on to chase away any more bad dreams.

He left her door open a crack when he left, and once he was in the hallway, his tears started to fall.

Daniel was gone, but his words and touches lingered, and Lando wished he had asked him to stay.

Notes:

I'm so sorry it's been so long! This au has grown, so I've broken it into three chapters. I'm currently finishing the third bit cause it won't be as long as the first two chapters and will hope to have it up soon!

I hope you enjoy this! Come scream at me on tumblr @f1-disaster-bi