Chapter Text
September 8th, 2012
Dear Akarsha,
Hello, I know we’ve agreed to write one another every month, so I’ll send this at the end of the month so you won’t feel rushed but I’ve just finished my first week of classes and had a sudden urge to write you as I’m feeling a lot and am unsure how to express it vocally.
You’ve haunted my every thought since our departure, it almost feels as though I’m sixteen with a hopeless crush again, only our distance is physical as opposed to emotional. I’m not sure which I prefer at this point.
I don’t say this with ill intention, I don’t want you to feel terribly about your decision especially now that you’ve gone, I just want you to be aware that you're missed, that your absence has taken over a large space in my heart and mind. I’d never want you to think I am uncaring, I know my tone doesn’t translate well over texts.
I’d like to call you now, but you’re in class. Refrain from making comments on my memorization of your class schedule.
There isn’t much to write about now that I’ve sat down, I’m going to tell you about my work-study as soon as you can call me so I suppose you don’t need to hear about it twice. My roommate is the one who was able to secure me a job, she’s kind as far as I can see, and one of the only asian students on campus. I haven’t seen such an abundance of the white population in my entire life, Diya said the same, Min has been very adamant about us “sticking it to the man,” I haven’t a clue what type of injustice she experience when in Florida for her to be so passionate about it, but they’ve been surprisingly invested in our happenings.
It’s not unwelcomed though. Don’t tell them I said that.
Classes are going well, I like my professors though one of them did mention the hilarity of my name, apparently she really enjoys the Christmas holiday. I beg of you not to make too many Noel jokes come winter break.
I’m already counting down the days, it's odd, I always saw college as an escape of sorts, like me coming here would eliminate my parents rule over me just a bit. I filled my head with such nonsense as a child, I was angrier than I recalled, telling myself I’d leave and never return. Now I can’t wait to go home, I can’t wait for us to go home together. I’m beginning to think a lot of what made it home was you after all, you, Diya, and even Min I suppose.
It's about time you come back from classes, I’ll give you a few minutes to reach your dorm. I hope you aren’t too lonely over there, I worry for you. I shouldn’t, you’re very sociable, not to mention a capable adult but I can’t help it. Take my coddling as lovingly as I intend.
I’ll leave you with one last remembrance of my utter love and devotion to you, and the simple fact that you are missed. And loved. Don’t tease me for writing it twice.
Love Noelle.
Afterwards: After some careful consideration I’ve put in this envelope my photo turned bookmark, I’d like it back at some point of course but I think you’d value it now more than I.
September 23th, 2012
To my dearest Frenchman, I hope this letter finds you well, it has been a long aching autumn without you by my side, I’ve taken to staring longingly in the distance on my evenings as a way to cope with our tragic separation (we’re on the phone each other as I’m writing this by the way, I just wanted to be dramatic I’m doing fine)
Only I’m not doing fine because nobody prepared me for all the college stuff? I don’t remember having this amount of homework in high school, which is what I told you I was doing when you asked just now. Apparently you're doing homework right now too, so I feel kinda bad for lying to you but not really. Writing a letter about how much I miss you along with all you missed would be too lonely to do on my own, but I guess you’re not missing much since we’ve been talking everyday. Which is why I’ve been keeping a secret from you for about a week now cause I want you to be surprised just a little bit when reading this letter.
I got a job!
It’s not a fancy one like your library job, but it's super fun. And drumroll please…(have dramatic pause moment right here just for me)
You’re receiving a letter from not one, or only, but the very best, Charles Entertainment Cheese!
I’ll send you a picture in my uniform later. It's hilarious.
But that's really all you’ve missed out on, which is good because we’re talking so much, it almost feels like we’re not a couple thousand miles apart. I didn’t realize how far that was until I got here, I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to feel bad but since you told me about Min making you cry I guess you get to know that I cried the entire time I unpacked my things. It wasn’t loud sobbing or whatever but my roommate noticed how red my eyes were when we first met, kind of awkward.
I wouldn’t say I’m miserable here, I’m actually having fun! Me and my roommate get along, I haven’t talked about her that much because sometimes it slips my mind whenever we’re talking but we’re friends, at least I’m pretty sure. We study together, and go to the dining hall together, we’re some of the only women in our classes too so we pretty much stick together. It’s nice, so don’t worry about me being alone or whatever. I’m kind of worried about you actually, I know it's hard for you to make friends cause you’re kinda rigid but try! Your roommate sounds really nice.
Oh you just laughed at something I said, I love you. I told you that I loved you and you told me to shut up but said it back anyway. I love you!
I really do miss you, the sound of your voice is nice, I’m considering recording our conversations so I can listen back to them when I’m walking to class, but I miss you, I miss you next to me. Sometimes I’ll think of something funny or otherwise and I want to turn to you and tell you and you’re not there. I message you whenever that happens so you still hear all my lame jokes but I really miss seeing how your face changes when I say something distasteful. Most importantly I miss kissing you whenever that happens, if I’d known all it would take for you to stop glaring at me all the time was to kiss you I’d have done it years ago.
Okay! I was getting sad so I convinced you to stop homeworking for a while so we can video call. Goodbye Noelle from the future, I love you and I miss you, until our paths cross again my fair lady!
With all the love my right hand can muster, your amazing girlfriend Akarsha.
p.s there's an asian restaurant here that sells really good oyster omelet, I didn’t think I liked it that much until now.
p.p.s I love you.
November 19th, 2012
Greetings Noelle, light of my life, I come to you as a humble citizen of this here institution and in the words of all my peers, what the fuck.
MIDTERMS ARE HELL ON EARTH? What am I going to do during finals? You might get a husk of who I once was when we reunite for winter break. Bring life force back into me via your mouth on mine, I beg of thee.
I’m very much looking forward to this being done. Libby, aka the best roommate ever, and a couple of other people from our study group are going out after they’re over. We’re going to an actual club, Frenchman. I don’t know whether I should bring this up over the phone or not, this way might save me the lecture…but I’m going to be safe so don’t worry!
Another thing I’m too nervous to bring up over the phone, I’ve been meaning to ask you if I could tell people about us? Not a lot of people, mainly just Libby, at the moment she thinks I just got a super big crush on you, which is true but I think I want her to know I’m a taken woman with a super big crush on my smart, sexy and beautiful girlfriend rather than a hopeless gay girl. It’s fine if you’d rather I not, I mean if I had it my way everyone on earth would know that you're my girlfriend, there should be a symbol, like one where people look at you and without a doubt that you're spoken for? By me specifically?
…I think I just described a wedding ring, ignore that LOL.
Anyway! She’s like, an ally, she’s super into social justice and stuff so don’t worry about homophobia or whatever. We can talk about it more when you get the letter, I look forward to it. I actually enjoy having serious talks with you, which is shocking cause I don’t like that type of stuff at all. I think it's cause we agree on most stuff, the serious kind of stuff. It’s like you take everything I worry about, all my doubts and flip them around because your ideas fit so perfectly with mine.
I’m corny I know, you can laugh at me later (please)
Oh thank you for the picture! I stuck it in a frame by my bed, I think that's why Libby is prodding so much so really it's all your fault? I fall asleep looking at it now, so whenever I look at it for too long during the day I get sleepy. You should print out the picture of me in the Chuck E Cheese uniform and put it in your dorm! For a laugh whenever you get sad about me, I’ll be your jester from a distance.
I can’t wait to video call everyone for Diya’s birthday, I’m going to put up streamers in my dorm and get a little birthday hat. Don’t tell her it's a surprise. Also have you decided on what you're getting her for her birthday? Cause if you were going to get her the dog calendar for her dorm I kind of wanted to get her this really giant dumb looking puppy plushie they have in the school store over here! It has its own sweater, which I thought I could also get for Diya so her and the dog could match. And so she can tell people her bestest friend goes to a really good school. Bragging rights and puppy stuffed animal as a birthday gift sounds cool. Tell me what you think.
I gotta go now, my girlfriend is calling me. Goodbye my love!
p.s I forgot to tell you that I miss you more than words could describe and also I’m the one that has your flannel
p.p.s you can get it back during winter break it kinda stopped smelling like you partway through september
November 26th, 2012
Dear Akarsha,
I am incredibly tired so excuse my printing instead of the gaudy cursive I’ve been doing. It’s later than I would’ve liked to settle down but I didn't expect Diya’s birthday celebration to go on for quite so long. We’ll plan better next year.
I decided not to go home for autumn break this year, after hearing that not even Diya could stomach going back home after the good weeks we’ve spent at college. I realized now is the time I need to start separating from my parents. It’ll be easier to do from a distance, I'm afraid going back home alone might trigger some type of H-Mart episode. As home sick as I am, the home I am sick for isn’t there anymore. At least not right now.
I need to keep that in mind now that I’m here, I’m having an alright time. My roommate isn't so bad, as you suggested. Since she isn’t going home this break either she invited me out to have dinner with her and a group of friends to celebrate the end of midterms. I'll mention it to you and Diya over the phone so you might convince me to go. I’m afraid I’m as useless in social situations as you two claimed years ago.
I knew you had my flannel! I thought it had fallen from my waist after we dropped you off at the airport since that was the last place I recalled having it, now that I know my girlfriend is a clothes stealing fiend I’ll take better care of my things.
I can hardly believe this semester is nearly over, in as little as a month we’ll be reunited again. So far the only friendly (and I am being generous) face I’ve seen has been Min’s and while they were calm save for a couple arguments we had whilst in the instant noodle isle I long to see you and Diya again. Everything reminds me of you now it seems, I passed by a Chuck E Cheese establishment on my way home from grocery shopping and nearly fell into tears. I refrained from printing that certain picture of you as it does not have your face in it but I did manage to print out one of my favorites. If you guess which it is correctly you’ll be rewarded thusly.
I want to call you now, though I feel like all our letters end in us leaving a future version of ourselves hanging while our present selves are filled with enough longing to last us a lifetime.
By the time this semester wraps up I think I’ll have declared my major. I'll save this conversation for when we’re talking over the phone or perhaps in person but since I’ve been here I began weighing some options back and forth. There’s a notebook full of varying different ideas, the amount of academic papers I’ve read since I narrowed it to a few choices would be enough to cause you some type of episode. I have figured out I want to be a specialist in a field of sorts, and that I’d very much like the title doctor. I think it suits me more than Ms ever could.
I almost don’t want to pursue it out of spite, I don’t need to be a doctor to be successful as my parents believe, but I’d like the title more than anything.
Oh, you’re calling me. I see you’ve bit the bullet first, thank you. I might fall asleep some time during our call so on behalf of my past self, I apologize.
I miss you and am counting down the days until we can see each other again. I don’t believe I’ve ever been this excited for a day to come before, every holiday pales in comparison.
With all my love, Noelle.
December 4th, 2012
Noelle, guess what.
It’s snowing!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like actual snow, I can hardly believe it. Well I can because of the weather forecast but it's still exciting. I wish you’d get to see it, though reptiles such as yourself don’t do well in cold climates I bet you’d get a kick out of it anyway. There isn’t a lot of it but it's really icy, and wet and cold. Seriously so wet though, I stepped on a pile and gunk flew around everywhere. It was great.
(Also writing all those exclamation marks made my hand cramp, excuse my shitty writing in this last half)
I’m going to keep this one short, we never said if we would or wouldn’t send a letter in December since we’ll be seeing each other soon (TWO WEEKS!!!) but I’ll send it before I take my plane. You’ll probably get it when I’m there now that I’m thinking about it. Promise you won’t read it until I leave? That way you won’t be so sad. Or maybe you’ll be even more sad?
Sorry I am TIRED if midterms were stressful finals are a whole different beast. I’m practicing my tiny writing so when I fill out my five by two inch note card I can fit a buncha shit on it. I know I should be studying instead but this seems more worth my while. This exam is only for an hour and fifteen minutes, tiny writing is forever.
Not much else has happened since I wrote to you last time. My manager isn’t too happy that they’ll be down a Chuck E Cheese mascot for what is supposed to be the busiest time of year but they’ll live. I almost wanted to try and fit the costume on the plane with me but I don’t think they’d like me stealing it even if it's only for a month. Looks like you’ll have to put up with only seeing Akarsh E Cheese whenever I call you during break at work.
I kinda don’t know what to say anymore, but I like writing to you. I guess I can tell you about how excited I am to see you again, which I am.
I think it shows cause Libby has been teasing about it every time I bring you up but I can’t help it. I finally have someone new to talk about you with, Min is fine but unfairly harsh. I think she has more nicknames for you than I do and they aren't as endearing as mine. Trust me I’ve been pulling my hair out anytime I so much as think about seeing you again, I miss everything about you like crazy. Your eyes, your hair, the way you always smile when we kiss, the way your fingers feel when you play with my hair (and other things) I even miss how angry you look when I say or do stupid things. I’ve actually stopped a lot of my scheming because it isn’t as fun without you here to yell at me. Also cause I’m tired and busy like you wouldn’t believe but the other reason takes up like fifty percent of my reluctance.
Kisses and hugs, Akarsha
December 15th, 2012
Dear Akarsha,
I almost wasn’t going to write this letter as it made no sense, you’ll be here tomorrow in my sights once again and the dread I get anytime I remember our distance will dissipate as quickly as I can get my hand on you. Alas I’ve been looking forward to the letters, whether I’m writing or receiving them, they’re a stamp of absolution in mind, an object I can grasp that you once have and know without a doubt this paper will make its way into your hands as well.
Your dried up watermelon lip stain at the bottom of every letter has some charms as well, as slightly gross as it is. I think I’d be out of sorts if a letter happened to go without one.
I’ve no idea if I’ll send this or if I should give it to you in person. Perhaps on your last days here? Or might you think it too sad to receive a letter written in excitement about your arrival on the days you’re ready to leave?
I’ll ask you about it tomorrow.
As excited as I am for your arrival I can’t help but feel foolish, you’ll leave once again thus ending our time together and this cycle will continue for years. I can’t help but feel like an arsehole anytime I think that way. I can be quite cynical but I’ve promised myself to never behave that way towards you so in my times of doubt I’ll paint myself a picture.
You hunched over a desk late at night with that awful pair of shiny teal glasses on, you with your hair down muttering helplessly to yourself about your homework picking on you, I imagine you walking to class bundled up in that pair of boots you complain hurt your feet and giant parka because it’s never warm enough for you over there. When I lay awake I imagine you in bed, warm and content with your hair down snoring softly as you do, it’s enough to put me to bed.
Diya attested you to a melatonin inducer of sorts and I am beginning to think she may be correct.
All that being said, I miss you and while it sometimes manifests in the worst of feelings just the thought of you existing happily in a place you only let yourself dream of is enough to damper the melancholy that looms over me.
I know for certain I’ll grow to miss you awfully once again, that your absence will leave a space that couldn’t be filled by any amount of texts, calls and letters. I’ll long for you every minute we are apart and dream of the days in which our time away will shrink from weeks and months to hours and minutes. I'll await the days in which all I’ll need to do is turn my head in order to bear witness to your every beauty.
Until those days I promise to fill my mind with you in every way I can and cherish the moments where you are in front of me existing so brightly in ways not even the blazing sun could.
Forever yours, Noelle.
“How late did she say the plane would be?”
“It’s only been thirteen minutes, calm down.”
“What if it crashed?”
“Why would you even say something like that-”
“Jesus fucking christ, Diya not you too-”
When Akarsha had informed the three that Min would be picking her up from the airport and not her parents like originally planned they were over the moon. They had spent the last couple hours panic-stuffing all the trash in their backseat into the garage of her parents house and fussing over the traffic all for Akarsha to message them that the plane would be landing late.
Noelle wasn’t happy with the development but she refused to let this damper her mood, not even Diya’s anxiety induced plane-crash related questions.
“What exactly did she say?” Noelle asked, snatching Min’s phone out of her hand. “Look, she said probably half an hour nearly half an hour ago.”
“Okay?” Min looked at her like she had grown two heads. “Why does that matter?”
“Because it hasn’t been thirteen minutes, it's been twenty eight minutes, which is closer to thirty which is something that should cause alarm in these cases.”
“Maybe we should wait until one thirty-one before freaking out.” Diya offered. “Please, your nerves are making me more nervous.”
“Why are we nervous?” Min asked. “Look, she's literally right there.”
Noelles head whipped around quickly, her eyes scanning the area before landing on Akarsha who was fighting with the wheels on her sticker-ridden suitcase.
Just for the record Noelle did not run, she isn’t the type to run through an airport in a dramatic display of love for all to see. What she did do was walk quickly, bumping into others with no regard and speak Akarsha’s name loud enough for her to hear as she got closer.
Akarsha looked up, a smile wide enough to rival the one on Noelle’s face broke across hers and before she knew it Akarsha was the one sprinting towards her, breaking the short distance between them by throwing her arms around Noelle whose own immediately wrapped around her waist in a tight squeeze.
As smart as she was, the only word Noelle could muster was a measling “you’re here,” mumbled into the crook of her girlfriend's neck.
“Yes, well I think I prefer it here,” Akarsha mumbled back. “It’s warm.”
Noelle laughed, pulling away a bit to get a look at her face. Her hair was down, slightly shorter because a girl with long and thick hair she met on a night out had told her if she cut her hair it would grow back thicker. It looks gorgeous, beautiful, as Akarsha does now smiling up at her with a toothy grin and rosy cheeks.
“As opposed to the snow? I’d imagine.” Noelle responded.
“No, I mean.” Akarsha sighed, raising herself up a bit to meet Noelle’s forehead, nuzzling into her slightly. “Here, everywhere else is cold in comparison.”
Noelle pursed her lips, a smile breaking through anyway. “Akarsha, I am not kissing you in the middle of an airport.”
“Hmm never asked you to.” Akarsha hummed, seemingly innocent. “Too cliche for you I guess…”
“There are too many people-”
“Are there?” Akarsha smiled up at her. “I don’t see anyone else here.”
“Well put your contacts in fucker.” Min yelled.
“Yeah, it's kind of rude of you to deny our existence.” Diya agreed.
“My friends!” Akarsha released Noelle, who did the same in turn. “How could I ever deny Diya and her favorite stuffed animal?”
The four bickered back and forth as they made their way to car, speaking over each other in their excitement as they caught up in anyway they could, piling Akarsha’s stuff in car and bickering over sitting arrangements which ultimately lead to the new reunited couple squished in the back of Min’s tiny car with one suitcase and an overstuffed backpack.
And if Noelle pulled Akarsha in for a long overdue kiss while Diya and Min fussed over the cars gps system that was no one's business but theirs.