Chapter Text
“Mapietail?”
There was no response, not a sight or even the shuffling signifying that someone was there. He couldn’t even find it himself to heave a sigh as Briarflutter took his non-answer as permission to enter his den, the flutterseer’s pawsteps echoing in the dug-out cavern for leaders.
“Magpie, you can’t just lie here forever.”
“...”
The healer sighed and moved closer, walking around so Magpietail could see his paws in the limited light of the den. There must be a crack somewhere - he’d have to get some mud to paste it over. He couldn’t stand to be in the sunlight, he didn’t deserve to be in the sunlight after what he’d almost done. After what he’d actually done. Pale yellow eyes stared blankly as a small stack of herbs were dropped in front of his muzzle, the names and their uses twisting out of the grasp of his mind.
“Magpie,” his friend said, in tone gentler than he deserved. “Hey, I get it. Talking is probably a lot right now. Do you think you can at least move your ears? Show me you can hear me.”
Briarflutter was a good healer and a better friend than Magpietail would ever deserve - so he flicked his left ear, knowing the bob-tailed tom would sit there waiting for the sun to rise if he didn’t say anything.
“Good,” Briarflutter said, satisfaction in his tone. “Then can you tell me why you’ve been leaving managing the entire faction to Deadfeather?”
Magpietail couldn’t suppress the slight wince that emerged reflexively, tucking his tail closer to himself. As soon as they’d… come home, he’d entered his den and not emerged since. He vaguely remembers his lieutenant badgering him for a bit, rattling off an injury report of their legionaries and those who were injured of Nightrattle’s cats before seeming to grow frustrated by his lack of a reaction. He’d called out to him a few more times after that but Magpietail never responded and he assumed the tom had given up.
“...that’s his job,” Magpietail murmured into his forepaws. “Leading when I can’t.”
“Yes, when you can’t,” agreed Briarflutter. “Not when you won’t. So again, why are you leaving everything to Deadfeather who has a mate and a sicky cub to look after?”
“I-” Magpietail’s mouth went dry as a new form of guilt washed over him. How… had he forgotten? Before all of this, his lieutenant had brought it up, talked about he and Ashfeather’s family - how his lieutenant had even brought up stepping down so he’d have more time for them to be more present for Ashfeather who was still in such a bad place after losing her other cubs when they were driven out. His claws sank into the barren earth beneath him, catching on the remains of the nest he’d angrily left in a misshapen heap outside of the den. “I- I’m a terrible leader Bri…”
“You had a lapse in judgement Maggie-”
“I attacked him,” Magpietail blurted out, slammed him paws atop his head as the feelings of horror and disgust that he’d been trying to avoid clawed through him like a rabid hawk’s talons. Cardinalfire’s faced played on an infinite loop in his mind, Hreto’s ruddy red coat pinned to the ground beneath hs paws not bothering to fight back. Vivid green eyes lacking any hint of anger or fury, just resignation as he braced himself for claws he expected Magpietail to deal against him and the gripping realization that he might have gone through with it, that he hadn’t recognized him.
His face was just a bit softer, with less angles and more curves than Hreto’s but all it had done was make him look young. And in that moment, all he could see was his dead mate’s face, his eyes, his expression of disappointment.
I knew you weren’t a bad cat Mags.
“You were wrong!” Magpietail cried, his claws sinking into his skull. “You were wrong Hreto! I’m awful! I attacked him, I attacked your son!”
How could he not have recognized him? How?! Ever since he’d first laid eyes on that tom, he’d known - remembered the tiny, squealing body that had been pressed against Iyera’s chest when he went to visit. He’d known since he saw the courage in his heart when he defended one of his own elders even though he was visibly terrified of being on the deer-trail. He’d always known, the world had never hidden it - that was Hreto’s son and Magpie had almost-
“That’s enough of that.”
He was startled out his dark spiral by a firm lick to his nose, befuddlement immediately filling him as he stared indignantly at Briarflutter who had - at some point - crouched down in front of him.
“Did you just-?” he began.
“It worked didn’t it?” Briarflutter said, whiskers twitching with open amusement at his offense. His expression softened again and he shuffled forward a little, pressing the tips of his toes against Magpietail’s, a soothing purr beginning to rumble from him. “Can you match my breath?”
“I- a-alright,” Magpietail agreed shakily, mention bringing his attention to how his chest was stuttering. He tried to emulate Briarflutter’s deliberately slow breathes, shakily taking in a slow breath and struggling not to expel all of his air at once.
“Good, good, thank you for trying,” Briarflutter said soothingly. “Now, I need you to listen to me, can you do that?”
Magpietail bobbed his head awkwardly.
“Good. Now, let’s start out with the obvious - you did mess up this time,” Briarflutter said, and though his tone was gentle and lacked judgement, the words themselves still made Magpietail cringe. “You didn’t listen to Deadfeather or any of the heads when they told you the raid was a bad idea. And now, you’re hiding in your den refusing to eat or drink and making dirt right next to the same corner you’ve been sleeping in. You’ve abandoned your clans for half a moon now.”
“Half… No- no it’s only a couple days,” Magpietail stammered.
“Magpietail, the next meeting is only around four sunrises away,” Briarflutter said bluntly, dropping the leader into a cold river. “You’ve been in here, hiding in the dark and wallowing for most of the moon and leaving your factionmates to try working around you.”
“...I’m sorry,” he muttered hoarsely. “I-I hadn’t realized so much time had passed…”
“Obviously,” said Briarflutter. “But that’s okay, everyone knew how much Hreto meant to you. And… Morningflower saw what caused all of this. The faction understands.”
How humiliating, Magpietail thought to himself. He dropped his eyes to his paws in shame - here he was, sulking in his den like a petulant cub. Plenty of other cats have seen their kin attacked in battle, he hadn’t even really laid a claw on Cardinalfire but… he shuddered at the idea of having gone through with it, nausea abruptly rocking his empty belly.
“...how can any cat possibly respect me after all of this,” he rasped tiredly. “Gods… will Cardinalfire ever forgive me for this?”
“You’ve definitely wandered astray these last few days Magpie but no cat is without their flaws,” the healer pointed out. “Grief is a terrifying beast and yet, he is what keeps us safe from Amberspirit’s clawed grasp. You realized you were wrong, you stopped and you called for retreat.”
He extended his right paw, flipping it over to show the gentle, pink pads and left it open to him.
“You’re trying to do everything all on your own again and punishing yourself when it gets too much. It didn’t work when we were cadets and it’s certainly not working now,” Briarflutter told him. “The first step is realizing you messed up. The next is trying to make amends.”
Magpietail took in another deep breath and was surprised when it came out slowly, evenly. His claws had slipped back into their sheathes and he could feel his tail swishing in the slow, passive way it always did when he was attempting to sit still. At some point, he’d calmed down and suddenly he was aware of… everything. The rank stench of dirt buried under the scraps of his nest that he was surprised Briarflutter wasn’t cringing from, the way his skin twitched from his fur sticking out in every direction, the crusts in his eyes, the agitated rumbling of his empty stomach and a pounding headache paired with his dry mouth.
“...ugh…” he groaned.
“Finally feeling it all huh?” the healer chuckled. “So Magpie, what do you say?”
“...I’m ready to start apologizing,” Magpietail said quietly, placing his paw shakily atop of Briarflutter’s. “And thanks for not giving up on me.”
“You’re my friend before you’re my leader Maggie,” he said, then adopted a slightly teasing expression. “First though - you need a bath. In the river.”
Magpietail opened his mouth to argue reflexively, thinking about how freezing cold the river probably was now that they were (apparently) entering the colder seasons only to pause. He twisted to put his nose in his flank and sniffed.
He gagged.
“Okay. River first.”