Work Text:
Accepting touch wasn’t something Evan found difficult. Initiating, that was harder, because self-control was important and he knew what he looked like to other people even without his passengers in play, with his height and his intensity and his tendency towards squaring up the moment his fight-or-flight response was activated, which happened…a lot. More often still, even now, than Evan was strictly comfortable with, and sometimes for things that didn’t carry the weight to really merit the reaction. A homeless kid in Iowa needed to be on his guard 24/7, even without horrifying magics in the mix. Unlearning it, now that he was meeting at least one and a half tiers on the Maslow’s pyramid instead of a whopping zero, was a struggle of a kind Evan wasn’t used to battling. So he got it, totally, if the thought of being near him freaked people out, and the last thing he wanted was to reach out and have someone feel pressured to let him touch them out of fear he might retaliate against a “no.” So, for the most part, Evan didn’t initiate touch, even with the blanket consent of his friends. The idea of having it revoked at the last second was too hard, hurt too much, to set him at ease.
Accepting it, though, and reciprocating, that was easy. For all that the memories were tainted – by his shadow, by the compound, by every home that burned and every horrified stare, every adult he learned the hard way not to trust – there were parts of Evan that remembered being handled kindly. They were fuzzier memories, or fuzzy in a different way, than gas station parking lots, of bruises on his knuckles to match the blows dealt in return, but they still lived somewhere in Evan Kelmp’s chest, and so he didn’t flinch away from touch, even though he could. The first time Jammer had clapped his shoulder, hauling him in close, Evan had felt the weak tug of a panic response for less than 0.02 seconds before being crushed under the sheer relief at how good it felt to be held by someone. And Jammer was from the school of sports masculinity, meaning that even if the moments were brushed off as less tender than they actually were, he was always down for a chest bump or a tight, back-slapping bro hug, or a team huddle, whether that be the whole team with their hands in before a Scuppers match or one-on-one, his hands on Evan’s shoulders or neck or face, their foreheads pressed together, clutching tight to center them in the moment as he psyched them up or talked Evan down.
Evan relished every single one of those touches. Sam’s too; she was less tactile than Jammer by a long shot, but even she would drag Evan in for a quick hug or a selfie, her arm draped across his shoulders, their cheeks pressed together as she encouraged him to make silly faces at the camera “for the cont.” The first time K had walked in on them making goofy duck lips – which had prompted duck facts from Evan until Sam had cracked up and told him to pose – K’s response had been to shove their wand between their teeth with a squeak, expression so intense that Evan had actually been afraid – excited? – for a second that they planned on jumping him right there in the common room.
He was still learning to live with knowing how hot K found him in his moments of dark intensity, the same way he was learning to live with this darkness under his skin, and the ways it didn’t have to be a curse. The way they’d both been finding middle grounds, as individuals and a couple, definitely helped. After all, it wasn’t like Evan didn’t find her chaos magic…enchanting, in very specific and often physical ways. But it was also nice to know that K could find him equally attractive when he was just being a normal, albeit dorky guy.
And K…they’d been dating for months, and Evan was an 18-year-old boy, more or less. So he knew how it sounded, because he’d been in camp locker rooms and the like at least a couple times and he’d heard other guys talk, but he meant it, wholeheartedly and in the least creepy way possible, when he said that K touching him was his favorite thing in the world. The embarrassment of their first kiss never fully left him: how surprised he’d been, flushed with shock and delight, and how he’d practically flung himself backwards without breaking away, unsure if it was okay to touch or how or where, reveling in the crystal perfection of the moment even as he was certain it would be snatched away if he made a single wrong move. Since then, K had almost made a game of spider-monkeying onto him, launching into his arms or jumping on his back in hug attacks that, as long as K broadcasted intent, didn’t trigger Evan’s panic response. And Evan knew now that hugging back was more than allowed, it was encouraged. So he did, strong arms supporting K so they didn’t fall, clinging to his partner as tight as they clung to him, throat tight with happiness and unwilling to let go until K themself showed signs of wanting to be released. He was strong, especially now that regular eating and access to a gym meant he could bulk up and work out instead of scrounging and getting exercise almost solely from walking and fighting, and K was a lot smaller and lighter than him, so to hold them in his arms was barely a feat of strength. He’d spent whole hours just carrying her around, because she’d latched onto him, snuggling into his neck, and seemed 100% content to stay that way.
He drank it up, starving for it with an intensity that scared him sometimes, a feeling like he wanted to devour her (metaphorically or metaphysically, one of the two), absorbing her light and making it a part of himself. Evan was used to being a creature of darkness, or at least a vessel for them, but when he touched K, he could feel it, the cracks of light he had, buried somewhere deep and bubbling to the surface under K’s incredible affection. An ugly thing in him wanted more, fierce and claiming and warring with the idea that hurting K in any way would destroy Evan irrevocably.
He'd tried to explain it once, his voice halting and shaky, needing them to understand, needing them to get that this wasn’t sexy or exciting, this wanting, and that it scared him so fucking badly to feel like that, especially about someone he cared so much about. Touching K was a fire beneath his skin, and Evan was terrified it would end up consuming them both.
K’s somber, thoughtful expression had been a sharp and cool relief, and they’d nodded. “Okay,” they’d said. “Do you…do you want me to, you know, stop?”
“No!” Evan shook his head. “I mean- I love- I don’t want-“ The words scratched his throat, confused and frantic. He couldn’t- if he hurt them, he’d never forgive himself, but if he lost this-
“How about this?” K offered, cutting into what Evan was pretty sure was going to be him hyperventilating at any moment. “You’ve already got systems with us, right? Like, you let us know when you’re starting to feel overwhelmed and need to calm down.”
Evan nodded. He still wasn’t the best at using the system – his response time was too hair-trigger to always head off at the pass – but it was a relief to have it in place, to know he wasn’t the only one in the fight, and that his friends were there to support him so he could deal with the battles on the inside.
“Right,” K said. “So, just…if I’m touching you, and you start to feel overwhelmed, you can just tap out like that, and I’ll give you whatever space you need.”
“I don’t know if I can,” Evan admitted. Letting go was so, so hard, and his control was good, but it wasn’t perfect. There were parts of his body, literal and metaphysical, and especially where the two met, that Evan had almost no say in. He didn’t have a way to stop a blood cobra from happening, only ways to try and contain it. He said as much, and K hummed.
“I feel like you don’t give yourself enough credit,” she said. “But if you’re really worried, I guess we can try to start identifying what those moments look like, so if I feel like things might be too much for you, I can take that initiative? You know, if you need me to.”
“That’s a lot to ask,” Evan said. “I don’t…I hate feeling like you have to do all this extra work just to be around me.”
K’s lips twitched into a small smile, and they gave half a shrug. “You’ve been here for me with all the gender stuff and unlearning…frankly a lot of bad, internet-acquired habits. If you can put in the work to help me with that, I think I can put in the work to help you not feel like dark magic is going to consume me if you have more than half an emotion.”
It was obviously a tease, because they both knew Evan didn’t exactly do emotions by half. It was deadpan repression or zero to 100 intensity, with almost nothing in between, and he could be bowled over by affection for his friends as easily as by rage at anyone who threatened them. But he was learning to sit in the mellow moments, and so he tempered the flickering in his chest, smiling shyly back. “I promise, I’m going to be the best boyfriend for you that I’m physically capable of being. Because you’re amazing, and you deserve that.”
K laughed, and squeezed his arm. “I know.”
And where their fingers touched him, painted nails pressing into his skin in crescent moons, hunger flared in Evan, white hot. He swallowed, and pushed it back down.
As far as promises went, it didn’t feel like a difficult one. Being a functioning human being was harder, although it got easier every day, but being a good boyfriend was mostly a lot of listening and remembering and communicating boundaries, and Evan was good at that. So even as each touch burned in him, he paid attention – to himself, keeping careful score of what felt dangerous, close to the line, but mostly to K and absolutely everything about them. His attempts to do things for them got less bumbling as they felt less like something he had to do, easing emotional need to serve into something smoother: a general, intellectual as much as emotional, desire to see K happy, because it made him happy as well. Evan had never felt like he had much to offer anyone, had never felt like his company would be enough - the opposite, in fact, since his company usually came with horrifying dark arcana - but all K really wanted was to hold his hand in the hallways between classes, to pass little notes with scribbled hearts or kick ass together on the Scuppers field or cuddle on a sofa in the common room watching Netflix. They were incredibly normal things, in a way Evan had never been and was so overwhelmingly relieved and happy to be able to give.
But Evan kept counting, too. The speed of his pulse at K’s smile. The coil of desire when they cackled over their clever chaos spellcasting. The blood rushing in his ears, choking him with want when K hurtled between him and another player during a Scuppers match to knock them the fuck out, beaming back with delight. It was a lot, it was so much, in the best and worst ways possible all at once, and Evan couldn’t stop himself sometimes when cuddling dissolved into kissing because K was right there and when they bit their lip in invitation Evan just had to do it for them, his vision tunneling into black – although not black – until a laughing Sam or hooting Jammer started chucking magic flower petals at them and telling them to get a room. He surfaced from those moments like drowning, soft and fuzzy cut with something sharp and terrifying prickling in his lungs, hands shaking where he was gripping K, forcing himself back and up and away until he could get his pulse under control, cheeks flaming with embarrassment and struggle.
K never commented, just watched him and waited, until Evan felt some of the tension leave his body and he was able to sit beside them again, able to have K wrap their arms around one of his in a half-hug without wanting to crush them to his chest and never let go.
Evan was 18. So was K, but K also grew up in a safe, loving environment. Even in the most stable of his series of unstable homes and living situations, Evan was never safe, and he knew it had fucked him up more than just mentally. He wasn’t ace, he knew that for sure (although asexuality had almost no correlation with trauma anyway), and he’d felt arousal before, but it had been rare and usually overshadowed by the long list of other priorities his body was trying to cope with. Stress and malnourishment didn’t lend themselves well to a budding sexuality, and even just for control reasons Evan had shied away even from more transactional ideas of the concept. He was safe now, though, or as safe as he could be in a semi-hostile institution, and his body was obviously playing catch-up, because the wanting didn’t stop. It got worse, eating away at him from the inside. His dreams were intense, as they’d often been before, nightmarish upon waking but now tangled up in heat and hunger, desperation to devour aching in his core. Evan had set beds on fire in his sleep before, but it was new to wake up sweating in his sheets and panting, bleeding black shadow and horrifyingly hard.
It was the worst kind of catch-22. The idea of doing anything about it seemed impossible, and not doing anything was only making it worse. So when it happened, Evan lay statue-still, eyes squeezed shut, counting his breaths like Jammer had showed him until the fire died. There had been a time when his passengers pushed closer to the surface at these feelings, sensing his weakness, but they knew better now that his friends had proven capable of banishing them to the deepest parts of Evan’s being. Still, even if they didn’t press the advantage, Evan could feel them, lurking somewhere, distant but not gone. He couldn’t let them out. He couldn’t let this, of all things, be what broke him.
So on a lazy weekend afternoon when the dorms were cleared out, it wasn’t a shock to have K cozy up with him on his bottom bunk, taking advantage of the time alone. It wasn’t even unusual when K set their phone aside in favor of crawling into Evan’s lap, and Evan fell all too eagerly into the first kiss, drinking it from their lips and pressing farther, his fingers tangling in their hair as he hauled them closer, desperate for more touch. That was par for the course; Evan wanted, couldn’t stop himself from wanting, and K was right there, and he would have given them absolutely anything they asked.
But when K pushed herself up on his thigh to get a better angle for kissing him, her hand for the first time just close enough to the right place to shoot lightning up Evan’s spine, he choked, scrambling back on the bed to get away from them, to breathe like a human being as a thread nearly snapped and dark fire, all-consuming hungry flame, roared to life in his chest. “Stop, stop, stop,” he chanted, almost under his breath, even though K already had, no longer touching him as they jerked clear back to the other end of the mattress, hair a mess from Evan’s fingers running through it, cheeks flushed and wide-eyed in concern. Evan shuddered, squeezing his eyes closed, wrapping both hands around the back of his head as he tucked in on himself, embarrassment only fueling the heat inside him even as he tried to tamp it down. “Oh god. Fuck, I-“
“Evan?”
Like a siren call, Evan’s head shot up. Looking was a mistake; K was biting their lip in their worry, and he felt the sound more than heard it, a noise like a whimper breaking in his throat. K’s brow furrowed further, and they hesitated, then slid to their knees, scooting towards him enough to close the distance, but not enough to touch. Very softly, they asked, “Are you okay? Did I-“
“You didn’t-“ Evan gulped, his exhale shaky. He shook his head, ducking down again. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Are you- can I…?” Her hand lifted, but didn’t reach. Evan flinched back, even though every instinct in his body was to grab that hand, to yank her on top of him and not let go. There’d been cuddling before, making out, but never that close. Evan had been careful, and this-
“Maybe don’t- I just need-“ He swallowed hard, counting seconds in his head. Okay. He was okay. “I…want you. So much right now. And it’s…”
“A lot?” K finished.
“Too much.” His skin felt too small for his body, tight in places he wasn’t used to, and black fire coiled low in his stomach. Every word was a feat, his voice broken as he pressed his forehead into one knee, praying the grounding weight would pull him back to center.
“Got it,” K said. They didn’t push further, just pulled their wand out, flicking the curtains around the bunk closed. The golden tassels tied themselves into stunning, intricate bows on the four-poster, shimmering even without a light source, just from the pure force of K’s magic. The darkness eased something in Evan, letting him breathe easy as he counted out beats, until his pulse slowed enough and the situation in his lap faded enough that he could look at K without feeling like he was going to explode.
They were still watching him, expression not closed off, exactly, but definitely guarded. Evan winced. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I know that sucked-”
“No, it’s okay.” It sounded like they meant it, but at the same time, Evan could hear something under the words, something that dug uncomfortably into his chest. K was little more than a shadow with a sparkly edge in the low light of the bunk, but it didn’t take much of a brains check to see that something was eating her. Evan couldn’t even blame her for it. If K had lunged away from him like that, in the middle of such an intimate moment, he’d probably cry.
“It’s not okay,” he said softly. “You’re…you’re amazing, and I’m trying, I swear, I just- this-“
“Do you…” K coughed, clearing their throat. Evan frowned at the pitch, hearing the princess voice and the way they forced it back down again. “I just…I don’t want to be the one pushing, you know? But do you actually want…because it feels like maybe-“
Oh god. He’d fucked up. He’d really fucked up, and Evan shook his head frantically. “No! I mean- fuck. Okay.” He took a deep breath, uncoiling his body so he could lean, just a little, into K, pressing his knee against her thigh in a carefully calculated gesture. She blinked down at the point of contact, then up at him, and he tried to put every ounce of earnestness he had into his words. “I really mean it. I want you, so bad, all the time. Like, you touch me, and it feels like I’m on fire, and I get hot and sweaty and my whole body feels so intense and I just want to keep touching you and never stop, and then I’ll feel something, or see my reflection, and it’s dark and hungry and I can’t let that touch you. I can’t. Or I- you know, I didn’t have nightmares a lot? Like, I’ve had all sorts of fucked up dreams for years, but I was never panicky in them? It was that kind of horrible vibe of like ‘oh, something fucked up is happening but that’s normal, that’s fine,’ and then you wake up and it’s like ‘hang on, I was okay with that? That’s horrifying.’ You know?” He was explaining it badly but he couldn’t stop, “And it happens and it’s bad and when it’s about you it feels so good in the dream, and then I wake up and I’m still feeling all of that because it doesn’t go away but it’s fucked up, it’s so fucked up.”
Evan didn’t register the tears prickling at the corners of his eyes until careful hands cupped his cheeks, wiping the moisture away. His exhale shuddered out, and he bowed his head, leaning into the pressure. K’s hands were warm and gentle, and they didn’t leave his face even when the tears were gone, K’s thumbs stroking along his cheekbones in a repetitive, soothing motion. “Easy,” they murmured. “We’re good, we’re okay.” When the shaking subsided, they pulled their hands back, in favor of resting one on his calf just below the knee. “Is it really that bad?” they asked.
“I don’t know,” Evan admitted. “It doesn’t…it doesn’t feel entirely bad? Like, you make me feel so good. It’s just really intense, you know? And every intense emotion I’ve ever had has always gone really badly and I can’t let that happen to you. I don’t want to be in the middle of-“ he waved his hand between them helplessly “-and all of a sudden you’re fighting a shadow monster because my body’s a nightmare.”
“I wouldn’t call it a nightmare,” K mumbled. Evan gave her an incredulous look, and she turned bright pink, “What? You’re hot!”
Against all reason, Evan felt the laugh punch out of his throat. His shoulders relaxed a little, and he allowed himself to slump, bracing up on one arm as he regarded them. “I’m serious, okay? I’ve never done anything like this before, and I genuinely don’t know what’s going to happen if we do.” He leaned towards them, voice almost conspiratorial. “My shadow eats birds. You’ve seen my blood turn into actual snakes. The last thing I want is to get to that level of intimacy only to find out I come acid or something.”
K choked, and their voice went into a high squeak as they asked, “Is that- is that actually a possibility?”
“I don’t know! I’ve never done this before!”
“Yeah, but I mean-“ She made an unsubtle gesture, and Evan’s cheeks flamed. “Haven’t you…?”
“Uh-“
Their eyes widened. “You haven’t-“
Evan’s hackles went up, instantly on the defensive, “There wasn’t exactly a good time, okay?”
“You’re eighteen!”
“It’s not that weird!” Evan protested. “Even people who don’t have horrible fucked up monsters in their head- some people are just late bloomers, or have other reasons-“ His voice pitched up, a truly embarrassing level of distress in it as he spluttered, “You try having a bunch of demons in your head constantly telling you to give into your dark desires! See if you feel like jacking off after that!”
It was a little more explicit than his language usually was, but he couldn’t even be embarrassed about that – was too busy, frankly, being embarrassed by every other aspect of the conversation. K opened and closed their mouth a couple times, eyes wide, and Evan hunched in on himself a little more.
“I’m sorry,” K said after a minute. “I didn’t mean to- I forget that just because I have certain experiences doesn’t mean-“
“No, it’s…” Evan tipped his head back, staring at the bunk above, rolling the thoughts around to find some semblance of order. He sighed. “I…I spent a lot of time not having any of my basic needs met, right? Food, shelter- It wasn’t a guarantee. So to waste bodily resources by being horny on top of that? Even just on a basic survival level, it doesn’t make sense.” People reacted to trauma in different ways, but Evan had always found repression the drug of choice, for better or for worse. He continued, “And even outside of that, I spent pretty much all my formative years in the system, right? And there’s a lot- it wasn’t just the compound, a lot of these places are really hardcore with the ‘it’s a sin, fuck you if you even think about it, much less do anything,’ and even if I didn’t necessarily believe that, it still felt like a gateway to way worse stuff.”
“Because of the…?” She gestured back behind her own head, but the intent was clear.
“Exactly.” Evan let his gaze go to where K’s hand rested on his leg. Even through his pants, it was warm. He wet his lips, and then said, “For a long time, they were really close to the surface, and any time my control faltered, they’d be there, testing the boundaries. And they’re not here now, they mostly leave me alone, but it’s scary, thinking about letting go like that. Like, I don’t like being perceived at all, and back then on the rare occasions it was like, ‘oh, I think I’m feeling something,’ to know you have an audience for that? An audience who is specifically looking to take advantage of you in a moment of weakness?”
“Kind of a boner-killer,” K agreed.
“Yeah.”
He watched K digest that information, chewing thoughtfully on their lip. Under their lashes, their eyes flickered up again to meet his. “But…after that. Now. You still haven’t…I mean, if they’re gone…”
Evan sighed. “I…thought about it.” His body tingled even just at the implication, originating where K was still touching him and spreading up and out. “You’re…so hot,” he blushed, and K’s expression turned into a shit-eating grin, broad and teasing. “And honestly, I…I really thought about it. A lot. But…” He curled his fingers into the bedspread. “The thought of, ‘oh god, what if?’ Like, if something happened because of that, and to have someone find me and know? There’s already so much shit that people are saying about me. I really don’t need ‘went all Dark One because he jerked off for the first time and it was too much for him’ added to that list. I really don’t.”
“But you would? If it felt safe?”
“Oh, for sure,” Evan said, without hesitation. “K, you- Look, I know I’m kind of a sap, and I spend of a lot of time doing the cute shit, but like. I like you, and some of those feelings are extremely in my body. They are very physical, and I know you feel the same way, or at least I hope so because Sam keeps making these jokes about mops and things, like-“
“I want you so bad,” K blurted out, and Evan choked on another incredulous laugh. If K got any pinker, they’d blend right into their corset. “I mean-“
“I want you so bad,” Evan echoed immediately. “All the time, so much, and if you want that, I want to give it to you, but I want to do it in a way where you’re safe, and that’s so much pressure to put on you because I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m capable of doing in a moment like that.”
“So we…find out?” K offered. Evan blinked, and they bit their lip. “That’s…tell me if I’m reading this wrong, but your big thing is that you don’t want to do this with me in case you hurt me, but you don’t want to do it alone in case something goes wrong. Right?”
“Right,” Evan agreed slowly.
“So,” K gave half a shrug. “We can, like, split the difference?” She shifted, clenching her thighs together, and Evan realized with a start that maybe he wasn’t the only one with a ‘problem’ here. He knew, objectively, that K found him attractive, but that wasn’t the same thing as knowing. He absolutely would have gotten off thinking about them if that had felt like an option but- did they ever…? They were so good at soundproofing magic bubbles, and there was plenty of time, alone in the dark when everyone was supposed to be asleep-
The thought trail was dangerous, and it broke off as K interrupted – continued, really, “I know you said you weren’t big on an audience, but if it’s an audience of one…”
The ground fell out from under Evan, heart skipping like he’d fucked up going down stairs. Suddenly the pounding in his chest felt a lot stronger, rising into his ears. “I- you-“ He coughed, then cleared his throat. “Just so we’re clear,” he said. “You want to, what? Watch me get myself off?” The words came out stilted, a little too excited, a little terrified. But even though it was probably the least sexy he’d ever sounded, K was already nodding approvingly.
“Yeah,” they said. “I would really like that.” She wasn’t in princess octave now, her voice dropping lower, not quite into his bass range but still a deeper, darker note that pinged off something primal in the base of Evan’s spine, animal and eager to please.
He could feel his resistance crumbling. Still, he had to cover the bases. “You know it’s not going to be sexy, right? Even if I don’t summon a nightmare creature, I am not going to last long at all.” Not with them right there, looking stunning and focused intensely on him. Even now, Evan could feel the heat creeping back into his body, a thrumming in the pit of his stomach opening up at the thought that maybe, just maybe, he could do this with K, his partner, the person he loved and trusted more than anyone else on this entire planet. A tremor went through him, and he clenched his leg under her hand, hard enough she had to be able to feel it. Their eyes darkened, and they licked their lips. Not lasciviously. Almost unconsciously.
“I’m good with that,” they said.
Their tone was dark honey sliding over gravel, and Evan inhaled sharply, fists clenching. “Yeah?”
“Oh yeah.” They pushed up, onto their knees, and Evan slid back on instinct, until his back bumped against the headboard and K was almost in his lap, looming over him in fishnets and thick bunches of tulle skirts and tight pink leather. They lifted their chin, and it gave Evan perfect line of sight to the black choker cinched around their neck. The urge to bite it, to pull it taut and suck every breath of air from their lungs, to take that part of them inside him and claim it flashed white-hot through him. He clenched his jaw against the feeling, shoving it deep. He couldn’t- not now-
K cupped his cheek, smoothing a thumb against the joint until he relaxed it, his breath a shaky exhale against her hand. “Is this okay?” they asked softly. “Can I-“
“Anything,” Evan said. “You…anything. Whatever you want.”
K laughed. “That’s…probably a bad idea. We’ll get there, eventually. But for now…” They leaned in, and Evan leaned up into the kiss, which was sweet, if not entirely chaste, K sucking gently on his bottom lip before pulling away just a fraction to murmur into his mouth, “You’re calling the shots here, okay? You said this is a lot for you, so I want to make sure you’re comfortable. Anything I do that comes close to a line, I want you to tell me, okay? Does that sound good?”
“Perfect,” Evan breathed. “Can you-“ He swallowed hard. “Keep talking to me? I’ll tell you if I don’t like it, but I want-“
“Okay,” K agreed easily. “We can do that. Let me just-“ She leaned back a little, and Evan almost protested the loss before he realized she was reaching for her wand. She tapped it against the bedposts, and a sheen of black and pink magic spread across the curtains, sparkling as it enveloped them. K grinned at him. “Soundproof,” they said. “Should keep anything…unwelcome contained too. Just in case.”
“You’re really on the wrong side of the shield,” Evan said absently. It was hard to protest more when K settled themself over his lap again, this time straddling one of his thighs. His other leg was propped up against the bed, and she leaned against it. Nothing about it was indecent – they had, in fact, been in similar positions before, even in the common room – but the knowledge, understanding what they meant to happen now, had Evan’s breath coming shorter, his pulse picking up. He felt flushed, burning. His hands shook against the mattress.
Smaller fingers covered his, and he looked up. K’s eyes were soft, even behind the wider black of their pupils. “Just us,” they said. “Focus on me, yeah? Nothing else.”
“Just us,” Evan nodded. And it really was. Here, he had no shadow. His passengers were far, far away. It was only the physical sensation of K on his thighs, the wood of the headboard against his back, the increasing tightness of his khaki pants the longer K’s gaze stayed fixed on his. He squirmed a little, and K threaded their fingers through his and squeezed.
“Are you ready?” they asked.
“I-“ Where was he even supposed to begin? He didn’t even have the benefit of, in K’s words, probably wildly inaccurate fanfiction as a starting place. Evan had a clinical understanding of sex, but his understanding of erotica pretty much began and ended with weirdly sexual billboards advertising beef and lawnmowers on highways in Iowa. He was keyed up, absolutely revving on all motors, and had absolutely no clue where to start.
K gave his hands one last squeeze and let go. They leaned back a little, not breaking the contact, but giving him space to breathe, and Evan felt the expansion of his lungs so much more powerfully, gulping in air as he watched, waiting. K appraised him. “Do you…should I…help you?”
“Ah…” Evan wanted that, fuck he wanted that, but the whole point- “Just…hands stay over the clothes? Is that okay?”
“In case you come acid?” she teased, and Evan choked.
“It- that was just an example-“ He was cut off by another kiss, his mouth opening half in a sound of surprise, mostly in easy acceptance as K licked past his teeth, sucking on his tongue. He groaned, giving in eagerly, one hand coming up to grip the back of their neck, fingers tangling in their hair as he met their enthusiasm with his own, shivering when K nipped and sucked and dug their fingernails in just a little, just to make him feel it.
He was feeling it, alright. Evan Kelmp was on fire. It was going to consume him, and everything else along with him.
But not if K got there first. “Gonna touch you now, okay?” they whispered, and Evan whimpered as their hand had slid down his chest, hovering over his stomach and toying with his t-shirt.
“Okay,” he choked out. “That’s- yeah. Touch me, please.”
“So polite.” Evan could feel the smile in K’s voice more than he could see it in the low light, and she ducked closer to nip at his ear, nuzzling into his neck in a way that had Evan arching into the contact, his throat closing up around whatever strangled syllable tried to work its way out.
The sound he actually made was “guh-“ followed by a sharp increase in pitch as K cupped him carefully, her hand a firm pressure through his khakis. “Ngk- K, I-“
“Is this okay?”
“Can you-“ Evan gulped in air, his lungs suddenly too small. He felt feverish, wild, and every ounce of strength in him was left to clutching at K and the bedspread. God, he hoped- he really hoped that didn’t leave a bruise. “I want-“
“More? Less?”
“More, please,” Evan gasped. “I-“ He fumbled, letting go of them sharply. His fingers felt cramped, and he flexed them, then reached for K’s hand. “Can I-“
“Yesss,” K hissed through their teeth, eyes lighting up. Their gaze was hot, as hungry as Evan felt for it as he covered their fingers with his own, tentatively putting more weight on the swiftly growing bulge in his pants. God, he was so hard, and his vision went hazy, mouth dropping open and eyelids falling to half-mast as his hips twitched up into the pressure, grinding into the heel of K’s hand under his.
“Oh, fuck,” he whimpered.
“That’s so hot,” K breathed. Without any encouragement they squeezed hard, turning the motion into a rough knead in time with the rocking of his hips. “God, look at you.”
“You’re so hot,” Evan panted. “Fuck, you’re so hot, I-“ Lighting was tingling in his spine, sharp and fierce, fire building in his gut. He wanted to chase it, wanted to drown in it. Wanted to pull K down with him into the dark. “K, I need-“
“Whatever you want,” K said. “Whatever you want, Evan, I’m right here.”
His pants were too tight. His skin was too tight, and there was a panicky feeling in his chest, like if he didn’t do something he was going to split open and he didn’t know what was going to come out. He shoved their hand away, a little harder than he meant to, fumbling for the button of his pants, his gaze darting frantically between his shaking hands and K’s face, pleading. “Can you- I don’t want to be alone, can you-“
Understanding lit K’s eyes, and they didn’t question it, rucking their skirts up and shoving a hand underneath them. There was too much tulle for Evan to have any chance of seeing anything, but K immediately made a strangled, bitten-off sound of pleasure, and Evan could hear slickness and squelching even over that, K’s eyes glued to him as with a gasp he got the zipper undone, shoving his hand in and gripping himself tight. K’s free hand grabbed his wrist, “Take it out, I want to see-“
Evan was helpless to obey, and so happy to do so, groaning as he shoved his pants and underwear down just enough to free himself, relief immediately coursing through him as it gave him room to move, his hand moving on instinct as he jacked himself fast and hard, frantic with the burning feeling under his skin, centering down in his groin and pushing, punishing and insistent, and oh god, he couldn’t breathe, he was so close, he’d never been this close, never felt anything like this in his life-
“You’re so wet,” K panted, high and desperate, and honestly, she was right; Evan’s hand was slick just by running his thumb over the head of his cock, precum bubbling up at almost an alarming rate.
“I don’t think-“ he choked, half laughing, delirious. “I don’t think I’m alone in that,” because he could hear her too, the rough movements of her hand and the shine of slick sliding down the inside of her thighs. “Are you-“
“I’m close,” they said. “Evan-“
“I’m right there, I’m right fucking there.” Words were harder, voice thick. Almost-
“I want to ride you,” K blurted out, and Evan nearly saw white on the spot. “Not- fuck, not now, but if we get there, I want- you look like you’d feel so good, you’d fit so good in me, and I’ve never- I’ve only ever, like this, on my own, but- fuck-“
“I dream about you,” Evan stammered. “All the fucking time, and I wake up so hard, I want you so bad-“ His hand felt amazing, pumping faster, trying not to buck his hips so he didn’t unseat his partner, but everything was stringing tense and burning and the slick friction was so good, was the best- “You’re amazing, you’re incredible, I want you so much-“
K let out a strangled sound, pitching unexpectedly forward as they shuddered, expression screwing up as they grabbed his shoulder, nails biting in hard for balance, and Even’s eyes went wide as he realized- his vision whited out and he gasped, feeling his cock jerk in his fist, feeling everything go tight and then let go, stammering syllables that could have been anything as he came, so hard, choking and gasping for air as the fire swept over him and dragged him under.
It took a long moment for Evan to find his bearings again. The first thing he became aware of was a throbbing in the back of his head. He had just enough wherewithal to reach for it with his clean hand, touching the spot in a ginger investigation. Oh. He’d hit his head on the headboard. Okay. His chest was still heaving like he’d run a marathon, but his breathing leveled out as he took stock. His whole body felt alight, tingling gently, and there was a weird tension to his skin, like it couldn’t tell if he was hot or cold. There was a tension in his legs, and he let them go boneless, stretching out against the mattress.
The last action was accompanied by a weight sliding off him, and Evan refocused in an instant, eyes swiveling to K as he watched them come to, shaken out of the same daze, pulling their hand out from under their skirt. The sight of their fingers, slick and shiny with their arousal, sent another pulse through Evan, and he felt his dick twitch with interest. He winced – too soon, way too soon. He took a careful breath, then swallowed. “Uh… sorry. About your skirt.”
K looked down. He’d really made a mess, thick white stripes absolutely ruining the tulle, dripping through the mesh texture. Their eyes sparkled as they held in a laugh, wiping their wet hand against it as well. “That’s…really fine. I can…” They reached for their wand, considered, and then set it down again. “Maybe laundry?”
“Maybe.” Probably better not to risk losing the whole thing with magic gone awry. Evan was still shaky enough that he doubted he could perform even a simple spell, much less something that required dexterity of mind.
K shimmied out of the skirt, leaving them in fishnets and a leather corset, which didn’t exactly help Evan’s cool-down period. At all. He coughed and looked away. “Calm down,” K laughed, and when he looked back they’d flipped up the edge of the blanket, covering their lap. “How are you doing?” they asked. “Any voices up here?” She tapped the side of her head meaningfully.
“I can’t even hear my own voice,” Evan said, a little nonsensically. There was a white-out in his brain; he was lucky he could process what K was saying, let alone anything else.
K blushed, some of the confidence gone in favor of a sudden shyness. Evan got it. He felt a little unbalanced himself, his body shaking with hormones and boneless with release. “That good?” they asked softly.
“The best,” he said without thinking. He blushed. “I mean…”
K squeezed his leg, just above the knee. “Yeah. I liked it too. And hey,” they added playfully. “No acid!”
“Okay-“ Evan protested. “That-“ He shook his head, sheepish as he allowed, “Yeah. No acid.” He raised his hand to his face; there was definitely moisture in the corner of his eyes, but it came away clear, not black. He looked at his hand, then up at K. “It wasn’t…you didn’t see anything-“
“No demons, no shadow magic,” K confirmed. They smirked. “Just my super-hot boyfriend absolutely losing his mind over his first orgasm.”
“Happy to serve,” Evan mumbled.
K made a soft, needy sound in the back of her throat. “You can’t just say things like that. You’re going to make me wet again.”
Evan groaned. “Oh, god, I absolutely can’t-“ He slumped back against the headboard, hesitated and then reached for K. They crowded into his arms without a second thought. “I really don’t think I’m going to be good for anything else for the rest of the day.” He didn’t even mean refractory period – Evan had no idea what his was, but he could hardly think through the pleasant, quiet haze in his mind. He had K in his arms. That was the only thing that mattered.
“But…you want to do that again?” K asked hopefully. “I mean, eventually?”
“Give me, like, eight hours, and I promise, I’m absolutely going to figure out how to go down on you,” Evan said. His tongue felt loose, easier to say the things he wanted without worrying that K might shy away. If they didn’t want something, they’d tell him.
Judging by K’s whine, that wasn’t the issue. “Evan.”
“I’m serious,” he said. “That was…you’re incredible. I want to make you feel that good all the time.”
“You already do,” they mumbled. They butted their head gently against his shoulder. “I’m not the one who’s never masturbated before, but that was intense. It’s different, with someone else.”
It’s different with K, Evan thought. He couldn’t imagine it feeling like that with anyone else. “I’m…really glad it was okay. There were a couple moments where I thought, maybe…”
“You’re okay,” K said. She kissed his collarbone, then his neck, not particularly sensually, just to keep touching him. “You did great. Didn’t Hulk out, didn’t go all Angel from Buffy…I’m proud of you.”
The words sent another flush of heat through him. Something for a different day, maybe. It disappeared, chased by embarrassment, as K followed up with a tease, “And hey, now you know you can get off without, you know.” She made a vaguely demonic face, although in her slightly-smeared lipstick it mostly looked like she was practicing for a rock concert. She smirked up at him. “I know I’m going to be thinking about that. A lot.”
“If you ever want help,” Evan offered, way too earnestly.
K laughed and settled again. He watched their eyes flutter closed, breathing evening out. “You’re going to have to tell me about the dreams, sometime,” they murmured, threading their fingers through his, wrapping his arm tighter around their shoulders so they could turn into him, snuggling up. “I’m really curious.”
“They’re not really sexy,” Evan said. Lied, maybe.
“Tentacles?” K guessed. Their voice was so low, it sounded half-asleep already. “Tell me there’s tentacles.”
“Sometimes.”
“So hot,” K muttered. “Can I-?”
“Yeah,” Evan said, and K hummed appreciatively. Their hair felt across his shoulder and chest in a curtain. It made him almost regret he was still wearing a t-shirt.
He wasn’t sure he wanted to join them. The dreams…when he had them, they were intense. Tentacles, sometimes, but plenty of other things. Bottomless things, black and ugly. Hungry. Sleeping alone was one thing. Waking up like that, with K in his bed…it was dangerous, but Evan could feel his own eyes closing, his body relaxing into the quiet. K’s magic was still in place, soundproofing the bunk, and he doubted anyone would think to disturb them. Even if someone did, the closed curtains would probably send a clear message.
Evan hesitated, cracking open one eye to look down at K. Their face was slack, expression smooth. Trusting. They trusted him enough for what they’d just done together. They trusted him enough for this.
She couldn’t say no, but they were already touching, wrapped up entirely in one another, and initiating was hard, but reciprocating was easy. So Evan turned his head and pressed a kiss to K’s temple, reaching up with one hand to cradle her face. K made a sound, mostly asleep but clearly approving, and Evan’s heart swelled. He leant his head back, still feeling the slight smart where he’d hit it on the wall, and closed his eyes. In the darkness, with K by his side, he slept.
Blissfully, he didn’t remember his dreams.